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 [The Following originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com].

Text by Sean Carless

Hey, Wrestlecrap fans, and Gimmick Table fans, and fans of Derek Burgan, and people who love people, I'm Sean Carless; stepping in ever-so-briefly for the predisposed Mr. Burgan, who as I understand it is currently mired in the Witness Relocation Program, after feigning his death so he could testify and incarcerate certain powerful Mafioso's. Wait. I probably shouldn't have said that much. Sorry Derek. Anyway, enough of the Jibba Jabba! Let's get right into it!

This week's spotlight: WWE INTERNATIONAL~!

In case you haven't heard, there is a serious rumor on the Interwebs going around that WWE is actually considering an international brand expansion, that would basically see individually-ran WWE companies based out of certain International markets. I.E. "WWE Japan", "WWE Mexico", Etc. And why not? Clearly WWE's experience with running things they didn't create or even understand speaks for itself? Look at the wonders they've done with ECW! Clearly, the ground's the limit as far as what they're capable of! *ahem*

Anyway; now, we here at Wrestlecrap could further go into logistics, and the severe ramerpercussions ( Edge & Christian) of such a bold move, but why do that, when we can instead link to the only man in wrestling history who can execute a rolling half-crab whilst simultaneously not losing his place in a good book, LANCE STORM~! He says it far more eloquently than I ever could. Even if his Western-Canadian pronunciation of the word "about" is a little questionable.

However, instead, what we've done, is actually tracked down several of these alleged Promotions, of course representing several of the proposed International markets about to get injected with a dose of SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT, which as of yet, has no known cure. Perhaps one day.

These were our findings!:


Martin Luther King had a dream. But Vince McMahon had a better one. INTRODUCING WWE AFRICA! And why not? WWE has gone out of their way for over twenty years to only promote absolutely realistic depictions of other cultures. And with that said, FINALLY, "African" wrestling superstars will get their chance to shine! Even if they stubbornly insist they're really from Mississippi and not Uganda. But hey, WWE once convinced us that Gail Kim was from a completely united Korea, who obviously put their differences aside for the sake of WWE hometown continuity, so anything's possible!

Several proposed superstars asked to spear-head the African campaign (No pun intended. Seriously. We swear) is the former Monty Brown, now rechristened "Marcus Cor Von" as per decree of Stephanie McMahon's rolodex of incredibly lame soap opera names. Apparently, someone in the office caught wind that Brown once claimed to be from the Serengeti, and as a result they will now literally drop him there. His cries of "It's only a gimmick! I'm not really a cat! I'm from Detroit!" apparently fell on deaf ears. Sad.

Another proposed addition to the roster is said to be TNA's Rhino for obvious reasons; but he immediately turned them down, and then immediately went searching through his possessions for something he could potentially burn in a trash can to show those WWE people what for. From there, Japan's Giant Bernard (The former A-Train) has been contacted about once again going under his brief 2001 moniker "Hip Hop Hippo". He also turned them down after learning of the company's insistence on paying him entirely in fish. From there, WWE has of course contacted Kamala, and even the former "Saba Simba" Tony Atlas about potential employment. Atlas was said to immediately check his finances, and when he discovered that he in fact still had money in his account, he changed his phone number. Good thinking.

At this point, other than the potential roster, the only snafu is hiring Referees. Apparently, every time they put on the jersey, poachers randomly pull up and shoot them dead on the spot. Strange. On a related note though, WWE is inquiring if former referee Earl Hebner is interested in becoming the lead official...

*This just in. Triple H was going to be deployed to Africa, in an effort to get the company off the ground, but eventually turned it down, when he discovered he'd have to walk for dozens of miles with a large jug of water on his head just to fill his Evian bottle. Take this for what it's worth.


WWE Australia is a real work in progress. Mostly because Vince McMahon only believes that the country has only produced TWO wrestlers, and is desperately trying to track them down. Once they're signed to a contract, his plan is to build the entire company around a *certain* well-tanned, blond haired icon of the 1980's. Seriously. You know who I'm talking about. Yes, that guy! You know, the guy who seemingly brought the largest most dangerous threats of the time to their knees on a nightly basis? A man who finally came into his own once he FINALLY made the brave trek to NEW YORK. You got to know I could only be talking about Hogan! PAUL HOGAN, that is. It'll be AWESOME.

But not be outdone, Vince has some revolutionary ideas on tap (Foster's?) that should please the locals greatly. Groundbreaking Australian-themed ideas like many of the lighter weight wrestlers being escorted to the ring inside pouches as a tip of the Tilley hat to our indigenous Marsupial friends! From there, Vince McMahon has brainstormed and came up with a concept that will see midgets compete in BARB-WIRE cages, just so he can constantly yell out "Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!". He'll then laugh, and laugh, and laugh. This of course will all culminate with a feud between the Australian New Breed against the Australian Aboriginals. It should be exciting.


Not much to talk about here. Turns out the company is just relocating a good bulk of the Cruiserweight Division to India to work at a call center. The whole thing will be overseen by The Great Khali, and he will operate the company under a strict BRAIN CHOP initiative program. "Indian" native Sabu will also be relocated eventually, despite yelling out for all to hear "Bombay MICHIGAN! MICHIGAN!... NOT INDIA!". Unfortunately, we have learned that the true intention of his jump to WWE India is to send him to PUNJABI PRISON, for daring to fall asleep backstage. There he'll spend the rest of his days, and NEVER escape, despite the prison having no roof. Go figure.


WWE is looking to really make a name for itself here. Their market research shows that Puro fans don't actually want "Japanese wrestlers" after all. What they failed to mention though, is that this poll was taken in the deep south. Imagine that. Regardless, Johnny Ace is the one behind this jump, seeing as he himself was once a popular fixture in Japan, despite being known everywhere else as "That dude with the skateboard". His bold new direction for WWE Japan will immediately be implemented with the company's new catchphrases: "Get the Japan out", along with "WWE Japan: The Puroresu you remember...only with tall white people". And therein lies to true reason for WWE Japan. CLONING. Yes, it's true. You see, for YEARS, Johnny has desperately been trying to create an organization filled entirely with mindless identical clones, but thus far he's come up short. NO MORE. You see, WWE Japan has a new backer!: The people behind the very popular "Robosapien" franchise, and ironically enough, the inventors of the complicated cybernetic organism we wrestling fans have come to know as "Linda McMahon". (or LinMac 3000 to those in the know.). These breakthroughs are coming at a seemingly geometric rate, as already the robot known as Bobby Lashley (Bo-Lash V1.) has already taken huge steps in oral communication, with the words "Bastard" and "No" being added to his ever-expanding vocabulary! The sky's the limit for what's possible! In fact, we could see the first batch of finished prototypes, tribal tattooed, given their complimentary crew-cut, and hopefully spinebsustering by Christmas, if all goes right! Best of luck!


Introducing WWE Mexico! The Lucha Libre you remember!... if you've never seen it in your life, and prefer hard-hitting muscle bound guys. Yup.

That said, the company has already acquired standout Mexican stars " Mistico" and "La Parka" for its roster, but not before being stripped of their masks, re-tooled and renamed by The Billion Dollar Princess herself, "Gunner Mistico" and "Marquis La Parq" respectively. Tremendous. From there, Spanish Announcers, Hugo & Carlos will finally be able to finish a broadcast unscathed, as the American announce table will be the one obliterated every night for once! The tables have turned! What's left of them!

From there, the Luchadors themselves, in a tribute to the late great Eddie Guerrero, will all make vehicular entrances, but since they're being paid entirely in Pesos, there'll be about 15-20 per car, 10 of which will suddenly emerge from the trunk. Rounding out the action will be JBL and a surprisingly rehired Ultimate Warrior, who'll sneak up on unsuspecting Luchadors if they dare leave the ring, and toss them back into their own "country" as it were. It's this, and other not-at-all intelligence insulting, racist gimmickry you can expect soon from the company who thinks everyone of Spanish heritage works demeaning jobs for little money. So stay tuned! Things should get underway as soon as they find a mask that fits the head of Batista. Say hello to the new face of Lucha Libre!ĦAmo WWE!


Hey, turns out this one may not have been such a great idea after all. Who'd have thunk it? I mean, what better place to bring a little piece of Americana than the war-torn middle-east? Apparently, the reception over there was none to friendly during a test run; and as of yet, the locals have yet to take to the babyfaces Hacksaw Jim Duggan and The Patriot for whatever reason. Heck, even Lillian Garcia wasn't received warmly (and strangely disappeared into a cloud of smoke, her shoes only remaining. Charlie Haas is being questioned as we speak) after a particularly stirring rendition of "America the Beautiful". I just don't get. Even the reemergence of "hometown hero" Sgt. Slaughter in his pointy boots from 1991 has done little to get the struggling brand off the ground. At this point, the company has all its hopes pegged on an appearance of the Iron Sheik, and the proposed sodomizing of former Killer Bee, B. Brian Blair to turn things around. Good luck.


Well, all we know about "WWE Antarctica" thus far is that Stephanie McMahon has demanded ECW be relocated there completely. THIS IS EXTREME...TEMPERATURES. The plan as of this moment is to get the brand off the ground within the next 8 months, in time for their first pay-per-view offering "ECW: December 4 Eternity". It should be great. And as far as the championship goes, RVD (whose educated feet were frost bitten and subsequently amputated) & CM Punk fans best beware, the company still has no intention of putting the Heavyweight title on either man, despite the fact there isn't another living soul for thousands of miles. That honor belongs to a certain 2000 pound polar bear the company has been scouting; and whom is currently being groomed for the World Title. And sure, his only redeeming feature might be raw power, and he can't cut a promo to save his life, but hey, when has that ever stopped this company from deciding an ECW Champion? EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB!


It might not be 1985 anymore, but for WWE, the 80's never ended, so introducing: WWE SOVIET RUSSIA! A Russian Double-Double E the likes of which they've never seen before! Mostly because there's no cable reception in Siberia, but hey, whatever! The Evil Empire has returned! And we know they're "bad" because they're not us! How dare they be different and have pride in their customs and heritage! Boo! In any event, each broadcast of WWE RAW is COLD WAR will be announced by the color (red?) commentating style of the "voice of WWE Russia" YAKOV SMIRNOFF! "In Soviet Russia, Table go through you!" I can't wait. And to give back to the people, Russian fans in attendance will be given a complimentary loaf of bread, and the chair they're sitting on for kindling at home! Anything can happen in WWE Soviet Russia!... But mostly still poverty and disillusionment!

Well that was fun. Thanks to Derek for giving me the keys to the kingdom this week. And while you're here, why not check out a couple of other items packed with Sean Carless goodness? I have created an all-in-one page to house 4 years worth of my WWE pay-per-view "Recapitations" right HERE. 90% satire, 10% recap, and all...stupid? You better believe it. And of course, my EXPOSE into Hulk Hogan murdering Anna Nicole Smith from about a month ago! You won't believe it! Mostly because I made it up, but hey, whatever. And hey, since Derek always plugs my stuff, be sure to head over to his MySpace for many links to his latest journalistic masterpieces. It's been real.

I'm Sean.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).