SEAN CARLESS'S INSANE LOOK AT SMACKDOWN!
Hey there, Smackdown fans (both of you), I’m your amiable party host Sean Carless, and this is the Smackdown recap for…whenever it is you’re reading this. That’s right. Anyhoo, normally TWF’s resident Nubian recap-meister Joe Merrick, who’s off this week, (and being held down by the man no doubt) would be penning this sport and/or entertainment virtuoso, but since he cannot, and on super short notice (I.E. no one else wanted to do it), I appear instead tonight as your knight in shining armor to save this show or something.
Ah, who am I kidding? You might as well say I have spinal bifida, because I plan on putting the least amount of ass as is humanly possible into this Rant. And instead of a slew of my normal witticisms and what not, I will instead pull a page from various Vince McMahon wrestling matches and just litter this with so many gimmicks that you’ll forget just how much it actually stinks! (please forget!).
SmackDown comes to us from
The show opens up with a quick recap of SUMMERSLAM, and Footage is shown of Batista not quite getting the job done. Animal cruelty~!
We open with King Booker, Queen Sharmell, Finlay & William Regal. Booker decrees that he needs “Royal Knights” to serve and protect him, and as such "knights" both Regal and Finlay. God bless, Finlay. Only in the WWE could someone from Belfast forsake the centuries old hate for the monarchy instilled in him for generations, just so he could now show unwavering support to another person who represents everything they’ve been fighting against for hundreds of years. But hey, whatever. This is the WWE. The only place on Earth where French-Canadians end up labeled pro-terrorism, and a Muslim and a Russian could become Tag Team champions in the mid 80’s based on their mutual hatred of the U.S., despite the fact that in real life, Russia and the Muslims in Afghanistan were obliterating each other at the same time. In fact, based on WWE's great full scope of other nations and their cultures, I have recently discovered The Map of the World Vince keeps in his office:
Looks about right.
Anyway, back to the show. Right after the knighting, here is Lashley out of nowhere to chuck the spear (Tm. Joe Merrick) on Finlay. And here’s Batista’s music as he joins the charge! (It’s always great to sneak attack people by having a blaring pre-cued metal song blast before you make your appearance. Way to keep it subtle, Big Dave).
And now, all 5 men are battling! It’s a pier six brawl! But hey, I’ve been fishing plenty of times on that pier! Where are all these fighting people? This then brings out Teddy Long, who makes a handicap match tonight. 3 livers on One and Half! Err, I mean, The King’s Court (Booker, Finlay & Regal vs. Lashley & Batista!
But instead, you get:
HULK HOGAN IN A LIME GREEN SPEEDO!
Ah, it’s good to see the noble walrus slipping back into his natural habitat.
Matt Hardy w/ immortality he’d soon as shit turn in for his brother’s push on RAW vs. Mister Kennedy w/….KENNEDY.
Gregory Helms is on commentary here. It has to be noted that he’s now one of the longest reigning champions in WWE history. Impressive. Well, until you remember that GILLBERG was Light-heavyweight champion for like a year and a half. You've gotta want it, Gregory. Anyway, this is Matt’s first match back on TV since his staph infection, and he looks pretty good. And Kennedy is just plugging along. They seem to be giving him the slow burn, rather than the quick Jesus push (not this).
Finish comes when Gregory Helms gets up from the table and slingshots Matt’s head of the ropes, allowing him to stumble into Kennedy’s neckbreaker, who then gets the win.
Winner: Mister Kennedy. This was also the first time in history the name “Kennedy” and “will not die” have been used in conjunction. CHOWDA!
-Backstage, we see Ashley and The Miz discussing Layla winning as Layla herself put it, the “Deever” search (Silly Brits, we have ways of making you say soft A’s. And brushing your teeth. Or maybe neither.).
On a side note, and speaking of Ashley, did you know YOU can now bid on her WRESTLING BOOTS on WWE.com?
Here’s the ad:
"Those boots were used in every single match I had on RAW." -Ashley
Now you can own the boots Ashley had to have cut off her feet after her injury on RAW!
Huh. These are the boots she wore in EVERY match she’s had on RAW, and they had to be destroyed after she was injured? I think God’s trying to tell her something, but she’s just not listening….
Miz eventually heads to the ring, introducing Layla. He then cuts her off before she can presumably say “The Rain in
watching TNA (which I taped) in between these commercials, and WHOA, next week, Abyss vs. Brother Runt in a TEN THOUSAND THUMBTACK
match. But hey, since this is
Sylvester Turkay w/ Elijah Burke vs. Tatanka w/ mullet (seriously. They have to have a barber somewhere on the Reservation).
All right. Turkay and an Indian. Together again for the first time since the very first Thanksgiving! Ok, Ok, I know, it’s spelled and even pronounced differently, but when has this ever stopped me from beating something into the umm, Indian burial ground?
Anyway, Turkay dominates early,
but Tatanka soon rallies, goes up stairs and Tomahawk chops (carves?) Turkay.
He then covers, but Turkay is able to get his
gizzard foot on the ropes.
Tatanka questions the ref, and the validity that Manhattan for some beads was a good deal, when Turkay strikes him down with
a whirling high-kick (Rotisserie Turkay!) for the win!
Winner: Sylvester Turkay. Just one question, since Sylvester spends most of his time with a black guy, does that make him a Jive Turkay? Oh no I din'nt.
-Let’s take us back to SUMMERSLAM, where Vicki Guerrero, after literally stampeding to the ring, accidentally cost Rey his match with Chavo.
-The trailer for The Marine~! Fun for the whole family says J.R.! A man who’s obviously never seen an action movie in his fucking life. And holy shit, Cena even NO SELLS DEATH when a gas station explodes. Good luck with your “spear” Edge when this dude can’t even be incinerated by 1000 degree flames.
-After the break, we see Vicki Guerrero make her way to the ring. Ha, someone has a sign that says “Please stop this madness, Vicki!”. Ya, Vickie exercise some creative control. Or maybe just exercise, period. Dear god, woman.
Anyway, Vicki calls out Rey and Chavo, and she tries to smooth things out. She hugs Chavo and Rey, but Chavo blindsides Rey, and goes to use a chair, but Vicki grabs it, then waffles Rey herself. SWERVE~!...to someone, somewhere, I’m sure. Chavo then nails Rey with a brainbuster, and Chavo & Vicki hug and leave together. Huh. Makes sense. Women never seem to respond too well to dudes in masks. And I have the criminal record to prove it. I'm hoping to have it expunged. Ladies, I'm single!
-After the break, We see footage of Rey-Rey crying. Which proves that even eyes void of all pigment are still capable of producing tears. Glad we cleared that up. Oh~! And COLE is LIVID as we relive the BETRAYAL. And as we see it again, I start to wonder what other behavior Eddie’s family has picked up from him. I mean, when Vicki gets out of bed in the morning, does she roll her hips first? And I don’t think it’d be too far fetched to assume that the Guerrero girls may have picked his ability to avoid trouble. I picture, before Eddie’s daughter could get in trouble for say, smoking at school, she tosses the package to another student, then lays unconscious on the ground. THIS SHIT HAS TO WORK IN REAL LIFE!
Paul London w/Brian Kendrick vs. KC James w/o sunshine band but w/ Idol Stevens & Michelle McCool.
is to carry on the feud between London & Kendrick & The Teacher’s Pets that have been lighting up…somewhere?
I don’t know. Anyway, decent little match here, in which
Result: No-contest (I think).
Hey, since I don’t give a shit about these products in the commercials, I thought I’d plug several REAL products that have to be seen to be believed.
The Wife and/or girlfriend will LOVE
The Wife and/or girlfriend will LOVE it.
'Cause sometimes jobs get messy.
'Cause sometimes jobs get messy.
Hey, we've always wanted to see it
on your face anyway. At least now it comes (cums?) in a snazzy package!
Hey, we've always wanted to see it on your face anyway. At least now it comes (cums?) in a snazzy package!
You might want to consider a lifestyle change before eating one of these!
You might want to consider a lifestyle change before eating one of these!
Hey, nothing depressing about a commemorative
coin that allows you to collapse the Twin Towers! Good thinking!
Hey, nothing depressing about a commemorative coin that allows you to collapse the Twin Towers! Good thinking!
-MVP makes his way out to watch the matches. What a strange coincidence that he would choose sports for his living with that name. Anyway, apparently, it’s only a matter of time before his agent gets him signed on Smackdown, they say. But hey, if he was really a good agent, wouldn't he keep his ass far away from this show? Just saying.
Krystal Marshall vs. Jillian Hall: viewer leaves pants match
Gotta love Jillian Hall. She can find a reputable “surgeon” who can make sure she has no visible scars on her face after having a tumor violently bit off, but can’t get find one to give her a realistic boob job. But just for the record, if I can squeeze them, that’s real enough for me. Not that Jillian’s losing any sleep over that, though.
Anyhoo, not a bad little match, but they really need to find something for these two to do.
I'll volunteer. Finish sees Jillian go for a Fireman’s carry (If firemen looked like Jillian I’d be setting
fires all the time) but Krystal wriggles free and gets the pin with a handful of
-Vignette for the Korean cowboy, Jimmy Wang Yang. And this just might be the first time the word “wang” and an oriental have been used in conjunction. At least, that’s what girls I know tell me. I don’t really care if it’s true or not though, because I have enough problems with mine. 'Cause it's huge, you see. Umm, that's it. I actually had to have a penile reduction because women were dying! From laughter. But hey, whatever.
Sylvan vs. Vito; no last names were used in the making of this match.
Ah, these guys shouldn’t be fighting, they should be partners! After all, they have a lot in common. Being forced into playing the role of a woman for one.... Luckily for Vito, unlike Sylvan, wearing a dress is where his ends.
Anyway, Vito dominates, as I notice a strange trend of Sylvan being jobbed out while Pat Patterson is held up in the hospital. But don’t worry, Sylvan, I’m sure you’ll get a big ass push soon enough. Trust me. You might want to go buy a hemorrhoid cushion.
Vito ends up winning with his dress-over-the-head armlock. Which I’m surprised would even faze poor Sylvan these days. That's probably how he earned his first two Tag team Titles.
Winner: Vito. Only in WWE would an ugly man use this finish, while Divas finish each other with traditional wrestling. This is what Hell must be like for people addicted to porn.
-After the match, MVP laughs at Vito which draws his ire. He challenges MVP right now, but Montel’s (not this) agent calls, and tells him to hold off because it's fucking Vito, and holy shit, come on. err, I mean, he doesn’t have a contract yet.
-We see The King’s Court getting ready for their match as we head to a commercial, but you get….
CM PUNK BEING SHOT IN THE ASS WITH A BLOW DART BY A MYSTERY ASSAILANT~!
Batista & Lashley vs. King Booker, William Regal & Finlay
Before we get to the match, did you know that Bobby Lashley was actually in the original cut of the movie The Wizard of OZ? It’s true. He originally joined Dorothy, Tin-man, Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow on their journey for getting home, a heart, courage and a brain, respectively. He himself was looking for a LIVER, and desperately hoped that the all powerful Oz would help him on his quest. However, Oz was too busy getting paid by TNA for doing absolutely nothing, and used all his "magic" to reattach his own quads. It was for the best, anyway, because the 1940’s were probably not ready for a shirtless, pantsless, hulking black man hanging around with a white 13 year old Midwestern farm girl. Even if he could by god powerslam. What a shame.
Anyway, Finlay tries to get the jump on Batista early, but he avoids the charge, and Batista destroys him. WHEN ANIMAL’s ATTACK!... And Fox TV isn’t even there to catch it on camera and put it on Saturday night between Cops and world’s scariest police chase videos. The trick would be cameras catching all the spinebusters as the Animals emerge and strike from seemingly nowhere. Anyway, tag to Lashley who spears Regal and Finlay like they was white wimmenz as we go to commercial…..
But you get….
KELLY KELLY SQUAT PISSING IN A HOTEL ROOM SINK!
Wow. A drunken girl with no self-respect going to the bathroom in inappropriate places? Could there be a better life-mate for Randy Orton? LET’S HOOK THESE TWO UP, STAT!
-And were back, and the King’s court eventually regroup and are taking turns double teaming Lashley. The three mercilessly beat on Lashley, who nobly keeps fighting back and will not be broken. It's kind of like the Mini-series Roots, only with more gigantically HGH-addled black guys who use too many variations of the powerslam and can't cut a promo to save their lives. Other than that? Like totally identical. I'm telling you. Chuck Palumbo mean River.
King Booker then tags in, and hits the scissors kick! STAY BENT OVER SO I MAY CASUALLY BOUNCE FORTH INTO THE ROPES AND KICKETH YOU IN THE HEAD! STAY STILL, I SAID, OR I'LL FUCK THIS UP!. Booker then covers, but DAVE has the referee tied up so Lashley is able to eventually kick out. In the meantime, Finlay pulls Lashley out and sics Little Bastard on him. LB then attacks Cole, and bites him on the ankle. Cole feigns horror. Unlike, say, Feinstein who'd probably appreciate a child-like person trying to have his way with him. "It's so nice to actually be pursued for once!" he'd be saying. Or not saying. LOLSlander, I'll pretend you said satire. Anyway, Lashley eventually gets the hot tag to Batista who cleans house. Literally. He's traded in his spinebuster for a dust-buster and is quite finicky about the cleanliness of the ring. That's why Regal and Finlay always wipe their feet when they come in. THEY KNOW. Umm, ya. Batista then jackhammers Finlay, and then slams Regal on top of him. It's clearly a metaphor for the struggles between the Catholics and the Protestants, and Dave, through unrealistic predictable offense, is once again reuniting them as one. Batista is a Patriot. And on Steroids.
King Booker tries to nail him with the scepter from there, but DAVE ducks and gets a quick spinebuster on King Booker to pick up the win. However, from my vantage point, Booker's spine is NOT busted, but rather just bruised. Batista either needs to rename this hold, or I better be seeing pieces of Booker strewn all over the ring, Mortal-Kombat Fatality-style, lest I begin to question the validity of this hold; much like I question the validity that Dave is a completely ambiguous Animal of no known origin. (Shootupus Steroidas Maximas?).
Winners: Batista & Lashley.
After the match , Batista reaches into Regal’s abdomen and tears out his liver, and gives it to Lashley as a parting gift. Lashley then looks on teary eyed, blown away by DAVE's selfless gesture, before realizing it’s Regal's liver, and he’d probably be better off sticking with the one he’s got. Chances are none of this actually happened, but this scenario excited me more than anything in this match, so I’m using it, damn it.
Final Thoughts: Did you know you can drink your own urine? It’s sterile!
Joe will be back next week. Thank God.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).