Anyhoo, originally this very recap was to be penned, or typed as it were by one Remy, who was subbing for Joe Merrick. But that’s not happening. You see, poor Remy has been put through the veritable online Chinese water torture this week, and has penned some 4 recaps in the span of seven days; with the 5^th one to have been this very broadcast; a fate that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Seriously, I think that'd be a disease or maybe getting shot. Who wishes blow by blow wrestling recapping on enemies? Get out of the revenge racket, you clearly suck at it!

 

So, ya, here I am.  And since I have to do this anyway, I might as well throw the official "Summer of Sean" label upon it, and add it to my myriad of lazy summer projects (like this!).  

 

But just so you know, since this is such short notice, I will not be putting forward my usual “full-assed” recapitating effort,  so you'll have to settle for only “half”. I'll give you the right cheek. I have another that looks just like it. But you'll never see it.

 

Onto the show!

 

The Miz is here to introduce the show. I hate him already. He goes over the matches, but not without spouting that annoying Marine catchphrase every five seconds; you know the one last heard ad nauseam in that movie Jarhead.  Or Fuckhead in Miz's honor. They clearly need to drop Miz in the Iraqi insurgent camp. Maybe he'll die. Maybe he'll force unconditional surrender via being an annoying douchebag. There are no losers here. Except Miz.

 

Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Super Crazy & Regular Psicosis : WWE Tag Team Championship match.

 

This is your opening match. London & Kendrick run out, of course wearing those same fucking gay-assed masks they always do. They must have also been invited to that party full of naked people that Tom Cruise was at in Eyes Wide Shut. I'm still waiting for my invitation.

 

From there, the challengers, representing the sovereign nation of Mexicool, come out riding mowers, you know, because they're Mexican and that's all Vince McMahon thinks they do. The Moonsaulting is just a bonus. And a real advantage when they're shearing trees, no doubt. The trick is not impaling yourself with the clippers as you somersault backwards.

 

Anyway, there is dissension immediately in the Mexicool camp as both men argue over who should start. They even blind tag without the other’s knowledge. Psicosis is your ugly Luchador in peril for much of the match, but eventually Crazy makes the caliente tag and starts cleaning house (no pun intended). After a miscommunication between London & Kendrick, that sees London accidentally kick Kendrick in the face, Super Crazy sets Kendrick up for the finishing moonsault, but Psicosis blind tags himself in, goes upstairs, and misses a big senton. Kendrick then gets a quick cover as Crazy stands stunned in the corner. Cue the Bumblebee Man sound bite.

 

Winners & *Still* champions: London & Kendrick.

 

-After the match, the Mexicools explode and begin trading blows. This is no way to run a reputable lawn maintenance business.

 

-Footage of Mark Henry beating Rey Mysterio a month ago on SmackDown is shown. Then shown are the WWE writers who wrote it eating bananas and flinging feces at one another. Or, maybe just the first part.

 

-A vignette for the impending Batista vs. Mark Henry match at the Great American Bash is shown. And through the miracle of the Internet, I have actually attained footage of that *actual match* two weeks before it happens. Click here.

 

Tatanka vs. Simon Dean: Fan interest is barred from ringside.

 

Tatanka comes out to his familiar war-cry that then immediately goes into a cheesy nu-metal guitar solo. You know, just like his forefathers used to have. (Just where did they plug in those guitars in the 1700’s though?).

 

Before the match starts, Simon decides to make light of Tatanka’s heritage, stating that he’s angry because he got ripped off at the Casinos last night. JBL then gets the line of the night on commentary when he insists his own grandfather was Indian and reveals his name was Big Chief Slapaho. His father's name was High Chief Ben Dover. Just ask, Billy Silverman.

 

Anyway, Tatanka dominates the match, briefly selling (trading? bartering?) Simon’s brief offense, before regaining the momentum and getting the old “Papoose to go” Samoan drop. But before the full blooded lumbering Lumbee Indian can finish Dean, The Great Khali interferes and attacks him. You know, I'm surprised Khali would attack his fellow completely un-connected Indian in name only Tatanka. He should make nice with him. You can't tell me a rain dance wouldn't come in handy in India right now? Just saying.

 

After Khali destroys Tatanka and the spirit horse comes for his soul, Dean begs for mercy, but Khali shows none and gives him his choke bomb finish. He then goes into the Undertaker pin cover position and awkwardly sticks his tongue out for seemingly 2 minutes straight. This is usually the same face I sport when I go to the Strip clubs. They don’t let me back anymore.

 

-We see footage of Mizark ripping the cage door off last January and attacking and “injuring” Batista.  What is not shown however is the some 6 minutes it took Mark Henry to figure out where the door was, then not being able to break the gimmicked lock (seriously). For the record, I always thought a Koolaid-esque entrance would have been much cooler. Henry more than fits the shape. The trouble is, Henry would probably try and puncture a hole in his gut and drink himself. Why not. It'd go down great with all the food he just prepared in that  frying pan he bent because he's so strong or something.

 

Finlay w/ Leprechaun vs. Gunner Scott w/ terrible Stephanie McMahon created ring name.

 

Poor Brent Albright, he managed to get out of OVW with his hair intact, but had to be saddled with the ridiculous Gunner moniker instead. I would have gone with Apple, myself. After all, it worked for Gwyneth Paltrow.

 

Anyway, a VERY GOOD match ensues, and the crowd vocally agrees, but sadly, once again, much like last week, the boisterous ovations I’m hearing are coming from mouths that aren’t moving. God bless WWE for once again filling another Smackdown arena with thousands of professional ventriloquists! Good thinking!

 

Pretty even match from the onset, but eventually Gunner gets the advantage, and Finlay bails out looking for his leprechaun. However, Little Bastard (which I thought was my name until I was 7) comes running out from the other side and goes to attack Scott, but Finlay, presumably fearing a DQ, tackles him down. This distraction leads to Finlay retrieving his shillelagh and clubbing Gunner to pick up the win while the ref is temporarily distracted. Finlay then goes back 1890 when Irishmen last used that weapon.

 

Winner: Finlay. It’s funny, but whenever I keep a midget locked in a confined area, and train him to savagely attack random people,  it’s called a “human atrocity”. But when Finlay does it it’s “entertainment”. I must not be doing it right.

 

 -Vito, wearing a dress, approaches Ashley and asks her out. I could drop the joke of who’s really the man dressed up in woman’s clothing here, but I’m not that mean. Oh wait. Yes I am.

 

-Lashley vs. Booker is up next. But first, Lashley gets his knee taped up. Good thing, too, because without that white tape I wouldn’t even know he was out there! Ah, I kid.

 

-Sylvan is shown once again, imploring that you come visit “beautiful” Quebec. Apparently there is another Quebec I’m not aware of.

 

-Chavo Guerrero is interviewed backstage by Michael Cole who asks him if he thinks Rey Mysterio can pull off another win tonight. Chavo says he believes that he will, and that he’s not the only Guerrero who thinks so, looking up and alluding to Eddie. Meh. I think it’s pretty fair to say Eddie doesn’t follow the product anymore. After Backlash, I’m almost positive God doesn’t allow anyone up there to watch WWE programming.

 

-Mark Henry is backstage being interviewed by Kristal’s enormous fake breasts. He says that he’s hurt a lot of people. I know it’s true because his matches have hurt me many times. Of course, it’s more of a mental pain than anything else, but whatever. Anyway, Henry closes by saying that tonight he’ll show Rey what he meant when he said he’ll split his head to the white meat. Man, just get this guy some food already. The last thing we need is to find Rey’s mask amidst Henry’s stool tomorrow morning.

 

Lashley vs. King Booker w/ Sharmell w/ William Regal w/ All Hail King Booker w/ All Hail King Booker w/ All Hail King Booker w/…you get the idea.

 

You know, at first Regal’s schtick was annoying, but much like that episode of Family Guy where Peter stubs his knee, the repetition to a ridiculously monotonous degree has became hilarious.

 

Anyway, Lashley’s got a bad wheel here, and Booker zooms in on that, eventually wearing him down into a position where he can apply a figure four leglock. Or the figure four lazy-leglock if one channel's Bret Hart/Booker T in 1998. Lashley eventually reverses the hold, and after Booker breaks, Lashley goes on offense, including a powerslam. He then sets up for what looks like a Davey Boy Smith version of the powerslam, but Finlay interferes and blindsides Lashley while Regal had the ref tied up. As the ref goes over to get Regal down off the apron, Sharmell tosses a chair into the ring, but Lashley retrieves it, batters Finlay, and then crowns Booker with it, you know, on the account he's a king or something, to draw the Disqualification.

 

Winner: King Booker

 

-After the break, we get more of “reality star” Miz. Hey, I have a reality show idea for him. It’s kind of a play on Survivor. Only it sees me driving a car at about 100 miles an hour and running him over.  Ok, the “Survivor” part only applies if he lives. I'm flexible either way. Quick, someone get me a camera crew, stat.

 

Anyway, Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy (Kennedy) comes out next.

 

Ken Kennedy w/ Kennedy! vs. Funaki w/ no chance in hell.

 

Bottom line here is that Kennedy destroys Funaki, hitting a standing “Green Bay Plunge” then going up and polishing him off with the Kenton bomb. Remind me to never go to Green Bay. You never know when someone might just put you on their shoulders and really slowly climb, and holy shit, how is that no one ever gets out of this again? "Ok, I'm up on his shoulders. Now, I could climb off or thrash around, but I'm kind of curious to see where this is going, and Blargghhhh".

 

Winner: Mister Kennedy. It’s only a matter of time before this guy ends up on RAW and feuds with Armando Alejandro Estrada. I mean, it's been almost fifty years since we had some sort of crisis involving a Kennedy & a Cuban. Ok, maybe not missiles. But maybe we can get Big Show over there as an issue between them instead. After all, he also blows up all the time. It just makes sense. To someone. Hopefully.

 

-Footage of Henry destroying the rabid wolverine Chris Benoit is shown. It’s times like this an adamantium skeleton would have came in handy.

 

-RAW REBOUND!:  Men’s nude muscular asses and half naked midgets. Just like that part of the porn aisle you wouldn’t be caught dead in.

 

-Backstage, King Booker and Sharmell are confronted by Teddy Long.  Long states that next week, Booker will once again meet Lashley, only *THIS TIME* it’ll be in a STEEL CAGE. Wow. This will be the first time Booker’s been inside a cage since he left a Wendy’s with a paper bag full of cash!

 

Mark Henry is WALKING. He’s next. And there’s no truth to the rumors that he once tried to eat his own head when someone told him he had corn rows in his hair. Just thought I’d clear that up.

 

Mark Henry w/ proof that spandex is not always one size fits all vs. Rey Mysterio w/ TERRIBLE booking: World Heavyweight Championship match.

 

Fun Fact: Mark Henry is actually a bulimic. He just never purges.

 

The match starts with both men in a face to face strange pec that wraps around an entire upper torso. Rey attacks first, but Henry OVERPOWERS him because he wouldn’t be called the World’s Strongest Man if he didn’t come in like 16^th in the Olympics. Wait. Why is he called that again? Anyway, Henry, in control, charges Rey, but he ducks out of the way, and Henry spills to the floor, as we take our last commercial break of the evening.

 

Hey, an Ad for “You, Me and Dupree” is shown. Funny stuff. But can Owen Wilson do the French tickler or go through life with a disturbing perpetual erection? God I hope not.

 

 

Back from the break, and Henry is dominating Rey. JBL makes mention that a good big man will always beat a good little man, and keeps using Boxers as examples. He neglects to mention that using this same criteria he himself would be Butterbean. Just saying.

 

Anyway, Henry continues to dominate, with Rey getting comeback flurries at various times, including a standing moonsault that gets two, and a big springboard bulldog after Henry dropped him on the apron (he was aiming for the floor) from a press slam attempt. Henry, now up, gets angry and rips the turnbuckle pad off. Referee Nick Patrick goes over to tend to the buckle, and gets sandwiched by Rey off a Henry Irish whip that takes him out of the equation. Henry then tries to eat that sandwich. Henry then picks up Rey for the kill, getting him into the World’s strongest slam position, when Chavo Guerrero runs in, and hits Henry with a chair. Henry shrugs it off, and nails Chavo.  Rey then comes in from behind, and drops Henry into the ropes, hits a 619 (Henry had the chair in his hand so it struck him in his face) and went for the flying seated senton, but Henry catches him, so, Chavo chop blocks his knee, and grabs the chair. However, the referee is stirring, so Chavo hits the turnbuckle post with the chair to create a thud effect, and then tells Rey to lay out cold as he himself does the same thing. The Referee then disqualifies Henry because he’s apparently more gullible than a fucking Bond movie villain.

 

Winner by disqualification and *still* champion, Rey Mysterio. A DQ win? I guess you take what you can get. Clearly though, Rey-Rey should have just taken a page from Arnold Schwarzenegger and covered his entire body with mud . Predators always fall for that ruse. That way, you know, Henry would then get counted out while he was looking for him. That’s the plan I’d have gone with. And it's not just another excuse to make yet another Mark Henry is a Predator joke. Clearly.

 

Final Thoughts: Women are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you try to tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is. All the complicated splendor that is woman. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten-fold.

 

God bless Cable Guy. But for you wrestling “purists” who insist on a real bottom-line: Not a bad show. Certainly not indicative of how Über shitty the ratings have been. Whatever they are. Truth is, I don't care. That could be why they're so low. Or something. 

 

Thumbs up.

 

I’m Sean.