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SMACKDOWN ARCHIVES SEPTEMBER 2008

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (09/12/08) 

Hey hey hey! No, it's not Fat Albert! It's Shane Steele with the Lowdown on Smackdown. One that thankfully does not feature my brother. 
 
Tonight's show starts off with a quick Smackdown Scramble Recap. Or should I say "Triple H's Really Big Ego Boost". At the rate his head is swelling, you'll be able to see it from space soon. Tonight will see a Fatal Four-Way Match between all the Scramble competitors not named HHH do battle to see which one will continue to feed the massive ego of Trips at No Mercy.
 
And speak of the devil, here comes Trips now! Probably out to crack more wise, makes more inside jokes, and piss me off. Trips tells everyone to go out and watch Unforgiven just so they can see him totally kick some ass for like the 500th time. This blatant self-shilling is interrupted by Jeff Hardy, who congratulates Trips on his recent ass-kickery. Trips smiles, content that his ego has been stroked and goes on to congratulate Jeff for a bit before totally pulling the rug out from under him and saying he'll never make it to the top. Jeff says he could've made it if he had The Kliq, DX, and "the family". Wait, HHH is in the mob now? I suppose it would be easier to have The Great Khali whacked then wrestle him again. In retaliation, Trips pins all of Jeff's success on Matt. Yes, Matt. The uncharismatic, boring one who's stuck wrestling a fat guy in the F-list show. Yeah. A real success story there. Trips says he still respects Jeff and wishes him luck tonight. Because lets face it, whoever wins tonight is gonna need it.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Funny. I can't remember my last date being that painful.
 
Maryse, Natalya, and Victoria vs. Michelle McCool, Maria, and Brie Bella
 
Maria's ring attire is covered in skulls, which puts me in bad company 'cause every shirt I own has a skull on it. Thank's a lot, Maria.
 
McCool starts off with Natalya, who has the unfortunate honor of being the first to get her ass handed to her by Michelle in this match. After Michelle gets bored with that, she tags to Maria, who rolls up Natalya for 2. Natalya shoves Maria off a headlock attempt, but Maria bounces back with an armdrag and tags to Brie. Brie hits a monkey flip and goes for a second, but Natalya tosses her off and tags to Maryse. Maryse dominates until she tags to Victoria. The heels throw Brie out of the ring and she crawls under the ring again, coming out with a significantly better-looking nose. This is where I should've picked up on the whole "switching with her sister" thing a few weeks ago. Back in the ring, she rolls up Victoria for the win.
 
WINNERS: Michelle McCool, Maria, and Brie Bella.
Afterwords, it's Heel Beatdown time! Hooray ruined credibility! Later tonight, Show will explain why he punched Undertaker. Um, because he got sick of punching the Edgeheads?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I would play anything if it involved serious Wokiee killing.
 
Here comes R-Truth, rapping through the crowd! Because in Vince-Land, all black people love rap!
 
R-Truth vs. Chavo Guerrero W/ Bam Neely
 
Chavo starts off with a snapmare and works a headlock, but R-Truth transitions to an armbar. Chavo fights out, but Truth hits an armdrag and works somemore armbar. Chavo escapes and walks right into a 360 heel kick. Chavo rebounds with a rolling kick. Chavo works a chinlock, but Truth escapes and follows with clotheslines, elbows, and a bicycle kick. Truth goes for the axe kick, but Chavo dodges and hits the Three Amigos. Chavo goes up top, but Truth climbs up and looks to superplex him until Bam interferes and throws him off.
 
WINNER BY DQ: R-Truth.
 
Chavo yells at Bam for costing him the match and pushes him. Bam gets ticked and shoves Chavo across the ring. OMG BAM NEELY FACE TURN! R-Truth comes up and hits him with the axe kick. Well, there went my joy. Chavo gets nailed with the 360 forearm for good measure.
Shelton Benjamin is backstage hitting on Eve until Trips interrupts and immeadiately sends her to the kitchen so she won't take up his screen time. HHH says Hardy will win, but Benjamin says "Nuh uh, I'm so gonna win". Well, not in those words.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Bumpass is a combination of the words "bump" and "ass". Think about it.
 
Here come Jesse and Festus in moving outfits with a box and a wheely-mabob. Is this a match or what? Kenny comes out and says he wants respect and he's young and blah blah blah. He punches Festus in the face, but Jesse rings the bell and Festus goes beserk, completely annihilating poor Kenny. Following a flapjack slam, they start to tape him together with duct tape. What the hell?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Who would honestly care enough about Shia Lebouf to watch him at all times?
 
Now Jesse and Festus have wrapped Kenny up in a whole manner of shit and are taping his mouth shut. They start to wheel him off backstage on the wheely-mabob, where I presume he'll asphixiate and die. Hm. Maybe 'Taker's promise will come true!
 
Here comes Vickie, minus the annoying wheelchair. Same boos. Same calls of "Excuse me!" from Vickie. She brings out Big Show, who's "Look at me, I'm big and stupid and I love everybody!" attitude is totally gone. Damn, Show's hand is nearly as big as half of Vickie's arm. Show says he does not approve of 'Takers special treatment and says he had to show UT who was in charge. Show says he'll be WWE champion as soon as he gets an apology out of Undertaker.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Well, you're not helping me relax.
 
Scotty Goldman and Funaki vs. Vladimir Kozlov W/ The Power of COMMUNISM
Kozlov kicks Funaki in the face and Goldman in the chest. Funaki gets tossed and Scotty gets hung up in the corner, only to be kicked off. Big headbutts to both men seal it.
 
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov.
 
Kozlov starts firing off Russian, only to switch to English and say if nobody will challenge him, he will find a challenge himself.
 
Zeke is reading backstage until Trips pops up behind him. A staredown ensues and despite Zeke's "stare of blackness" distracting people during matches and whatnot, Trips's head does not explode a la Scanners. Kendrick and his awesome jacket arrives and Trips plays some mind games. Ugh. WHY must there be so much Triple H?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Oh, so THAT'S why he has dry cleaning!
 
Edgeheads vs. Primo Colon and Carlito (Non-Title Match)
Carlito and Ryder start off. Carlito beats on Ryder in the corner, but Ryder fires back. A Carlito neckbreaker gets 2. Primo tags himself in for an awesome springboard dropkick. Carlito tags in and powerbombs Primo onto Ryder. Some clusterfuckery ensues and Hawkins tags in and covers Carlito for 2. Carlito plays the "puffy haired Puerto Rican in peril" for a bit until he tags in Primo, who comes in with a house of FIYAH! He manages to nail a crossbody on Hawkins, but Ryder breaks it up. Carlito tags in, chucks Ryder, and nails Hawkins with a backstabber for the win.
 
WINNERS: Primo and Carlito. LOSERS: Those freakin' Edgeheads, who've won maybe one match since they won the tag belts. EPIC FAIL.
 
Now Trips messes with MVP by telling him not to choke, which I'm sure Trips and maybe 10 other people find hilarious.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Being Vader's apprentice would be awesome.
 
It's a classic WWE moment! Harley Race loses the NWA title to Ric Flair...on a crossbody? Huh?
 
MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson-COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Attorneys are not dynamic.
 
...vs. Jeff Hardy (Fatal Four-Way Match to determine #1 Contender at No Mercy)
 
Kendrick quickly runs to the outside of the ring. Hardy fights off MVP and Shelton for a bit. Kendrick tries to slip in, but slips back out once Jeff goes after him. Shelton and P double-team Hardy for a bit until they go after each other. Kendrick goes to cover Hardy, but Benjamin breaks it up. MVP hits a knee facecrusher on Shelton and tosses it Hardy into a corner. Kendrick goes for The Kendrick on Shelton, but MVP catches him and goes for a powerslam. Kendrick kicks Shelton and shoves MVP  into Hardy. Everyone brawls. COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Striking is never boring.
 
P is working a headlock on Shelton. Shelton fights out and hits a Dragon Whip. Zeke's blackness allows Kendrick to dropkick Shelton in the back, then in the face for 2. Camel clutch on Shelton. Shelton backs into a corner, but Kendrick hangs on, so Shelton drops Kendrick on his back. MVP runs in to dropkick Shelton in the face. Benji and P trade fists until MVP tosses Shelton. Hardy attacks both of them, only to get thrown from the ring by MVP. Shelton hits a German suplex on P for 2. Benjamin and MVP start fighting again. Kendrick comes back in and gets beat up by MVP. Shelton tosses all men involved and hits a snap suplex on MVP. Hardy comes in and takes it to both men. Corner kick of insanity gets 2 and he goes up to for the Swanton, but Shelton knocks him off. MVP holds Hardy for Kendrick, but P clotheslines Kendrick as he charges. Shelton hits Paydirt on MVP, then Kendrick hits The Kendrick on Shelton. Hardy hits a Swanton on Kendrick as he goes to pin Shelton and pins Kendrick for the win.
 
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
 
Kozlov comes down and rams Jef in the chest with a headbutt. He then destroys Hardy until the show ends.
 
Well, that's it for the Lowdown on Smackdown! Send some feedback to Killermothfan33@aol.com and until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I suffer from amnesia. Then I don't know who I'll be).

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (09/19/08) 

Hello everyone and welcome to The Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele. Tonight's always exciting (HA!) edition of Smackdown features Jeff Hardy vs. The Brian Kendrick: The Rematch You Never Wanted and Triple H going over yet another black guy he hates, MVP.

Michelle McCool vs. Maryse: Divas Championship Match
 
Apparently, Maryse gets her rematch for the coveted (snicker) Butterfly belt here. McCool takes down Maryse and works a headlock. Maryse counters with a headlock of her own. She slams Michelle a few times before Michelle dodges a trip attempt and hits a low dropkick. Maryse rolls outside, trips up Michelle, and hits a low dropkick of her own for 1. Kick to the chest follows. Michelle gets in a roll-up for 2. Maryse takes her down and works a chinlock. Michelle escapes, only to be taken down for 1. Yes, 1 again. Nobody gets 2 against Michelle McCool! Michelle blocks a corner charge and hits a running neckbreaker for 2. Maryse blocks a corner charge and gets nailed with the underhook butterfly suplex slam thing from Michelle.
 
WINNER: Michelle McCool. I thought Trips put the ix-nay on that underhook thing. Dissension in the ranks?

Vickie and show are chuckling backstage. Eve comes in for an interview and when she asks about Undertaker, Vickie SHUTS HER DOWN. Show responds with the footage from Unforgiven of him pummeling 'Taker.

Instead of Commercial Thoughts this week, I'm going to attempt to find the MyNetwork TV channel so I won't be searching like a maniac when the switch comes.

SEARCH: Well, it's not Channel 7! That's a Spanish soap. Why is there an urn and a man in a wheelchair?

Festus W/ Jesse W/ Moving Crap vs. Ryan Braddock W/ Kick-Ass Jacket
 
Festus starts off wailing on Braddock, who manages to get in a nice dropkick and some punches before getting floored with a big right. Braddock counters a charge with a knee to the gut and works a headlock. Festus powers out and hits a clothesline, a butt drop, and the flapjack slam. Jesse tosses him some tape and the two start to wrap up Braddock. The ref rings the bell.
 
WINNER BY DQ (I HOPE): Ryan Braddock.

SEARCH: Well, that ended quickly. It's on Channel 6 for me.

Jesse and Festus cart Braddock away. Way to get your first win, Ryan. Say hi to the corpse of Kenny Dykstra for me. Carlito's Cabana returns tonight.

Vickie and Show backstage chuckling over how they beat down UT. Then they show the damn Unforgiven footage AGAIN. This would be way funnier if it had the "Pow, right in the kisser!" bit from Family Guy.

Shelton Benjamin vs. R-Truth: Non-Title Match
 
Once again, Shelton starts off his entrance surrounded by gold and calling himself the Gold Standard. By now, I was hoping they just flat out give him an Auric Goldfinger gimmick and make him obssessed with gold. You know, he'd get a neat spray-on tan, try to rob Fort Knox of all its gold through a ridiculously convoluted scheme, and team with Goldust a lot. That sort of thing.
 
Lock-up. Shelton gets the takedown and goes psycho-amateur wrestler on Truth. Truth gets in an elbow to the face and Shelton goes nuts with punches. Truth escapes and hits the 360 forearm, followed by some corner kicks. Shelton fights out, but Truth kicks him in the face for 2. Shelton counters an Irish whip with a T-Bone suplex, followed by a side slam on the knee and a submission. Truth punches out, but gets trapped in a chinlock. Truth again fights out, only to get stuck in yet another chinlock. Tr uth fights out once more, but gets...A HEADLOCK! By now, Truth is used to this kind of thing, so he kicks his way out and goes for the scissors kick. Shelton dodges, but Truth rolls him up for the win.
 
WINNER: R-Truth.
 
Suddenly, the head of Gregory Helms pops up in a little oval and says the price of gold just went down. You should know, oh Cruiserweight title-less one. There's a reason they aren't showing his wrists.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully, I won't die listing what's in my playlist because I own no playlist-containing devices!

Jeff Hardy vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson
 
Hardy slaps Kendrick and goes crazy on him until Kendrick gets in a backdrop and throws him over the ropes. COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That looks like a pretty good cheesesteak.

Kendrick is working a Boston crab. Hardy gets to the ropes. A quick dropkick gets 2. Another Boston crab and Jeff once again reaches the ropes. Jeff hits the corkscrew enziguri and the crazy corner kick, followed by that facecrusher suplex thing for 2. Kendrick recovers and kicks Jeff in the face. Kendrick goes for The Kendrick, but Jeff counters into a backslide for the win.
 
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
 
Post match, Kozlov kicks Jeff in the chest. THE POWER OF COMMUNISM COMPELS HIM TO!

Vickie is backstage with some loser designer when Scaredy Show alerts her that Undertaker has arrived! The camera walks in (?), says it's sorry, and kisses Vickie's feet. Then it pulls back to reveal Chavo dressed up as Undertaker and actually looking good for once. Then we get THE SAME FREAKIN' UNFORGIVEN FOOTAGE WE'VE ALREADY SEEN TWICE! WHAT THE HELL?!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is no such thing as a weird beard.

Primo and Carlito are in the Cabana. And Tazz proudly declares he loves apples. Good for you, Tazz! Primo's surprised the Edgehead's suck, which the rest of the world has known since we first saw them. Speaking of losers, here come the Edgeheads now. Heck, even the disembodied head of Gregory Helms pops up to say they suck. Thank God they have the jackets on so I can tell them apart. Hawkins says what happened last week was a fluke. Carlito wants a title match here and now, but Hawkins shoots him down. Primo makes fun of them in Spanish, so Ryder says they'll have title match next week. Carlito wants someone to clean up the set, so naturally, here come Jesse and Festus. The 'Heads attack the Colons (HA!), so Jesse and Festus save the brothers and in a bizarre moment, Festus chases The Losers up the ramp with a palm tree from the set. Wow.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I already hate that giant Mexican doughnut.

Maria is making a crappy outfit sketch and Brie Bella says it looks good. LIES! Victoria and Natalya interrupt and say they'll figure out what she does under the ring. Then, much to my delight, they shred Maria's sketch. Woo-hoo!

Scotty Goldman vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh
 
Pre-match, the artist formerly known as Colt Cabana does this awesome segment where he mock's Khali's unintelligble voice with the aid of a paper bag puppet. It's awesome.
 
Oh yeah, and Khali totally kicks his ass for the win.
 
WINNER: Khali.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So is it a person or a monster being quarantined?

RAW Rebound. Was Punk kissing Jericho's forehead?

'Heads and Bam are backstage until Chavo kicks them out so he can watch THAT DAMN UNFORGIVEN FOOTAGE AGAIN. Thankfully, the weirdness starts happening to the TV and a really tatooed arm with a shootfighter glove starts to strangle Chavo. No idea who that could be.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wish Leatherface would be in a chainsaw commercial.

Triple H vs. MVP (Or How Triple H Learned to Stop Worrying and Listen to Michael Hayes)
 
MVP works  headlock. Trips throws him off and gets shouldberblocked. That whole spot gets repeated, only Trips hits a clothesline instead of getting shoulderblocked. A big punch catches P right in the nose. Takedown, headlock from Trips. COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Ugh. Got nothing.

P is now working over HHH's arm. Facecrusher gets 2. Armbar. Trips escapes, but MVP whips him into the corner for 2. More armbars from MVP. Now a hammerlock. Trips tries to fight out, but P just switches to a wristlock. And armbar takedown gets 2. MVP goes for the Drive-By Kick, but Trips ducks and hits a knee to the face, followed by a facecrusher, a clothesline, and the SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON spinebuster. P rolls outside and Trips goes after him, only to get his face rammed into the announce table. Once T rips is back in the ring, P tries to fly, but Trips just kicks him in the gut and hits the Pedigree.
 
WINNER: Triple H.
 
Post match, Trips is confronted by the only thing more depressing and destructive then his title reign: Communism. Kozlov comes out to pound on Trips and yell at him in Russian.

So yeah. That's it. I'm tired. See you next week.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (09/26/08) 

Hello everybody and welcome once again to your Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele, and tonight's Smackdown actually looks pretty interesting, what with the tag title match and Kozlov vs. Khali sure to be entertaining solely for crowd reaction alone.
 
We kick off the show with Chavo and Vickie backstage, which is always never a good sign. Chavo says that Undertaker let him go after last week's choking session because he wanted a message delivered. Really? I could've sworn it was because Hell would've revolted if he sent Chavo down there. Chavo says the message is...Taker's STILL coming for Vickie! Yes, he's still beating that horse! Vickie says Big Show will stop UT and sends Chavo to get him. Jeff Hardy comes in and says he wants a match with Kozlov, but Vickie shoots him down and tells him to get ready for his match next. Big Show comes in and they hug. Ick. So Vickie digs fat guys now?
 
Triple H and Jeff Hardy vs. MVP and The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson
 
Hardy and MVP start off. Armbars from both men. Jeff breaks free and makes a tag to Triple H, who starts crushing MVP's arm. A quick tag to Jeff. More armbars from Jeff follow. MVP powers out with a knee to the gut and tags to Kendrick. Jeff immeadiately knocks down Kendrick and hits an armdrag and the spinning enziguri. Jeff goes for the corner kick of insanity, but Kendrick dodges and Zeke's blackness distracts Hardy so Kendrick can land a cheap shot. Tag to MVP. Kendrick and MVP miss on a double team move and Jeff tags in Trips. Both men clean house. COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The NBA's coming back? Already?
 
We return to MVP working over Trips. Kendrick tags in and a dropkick gets 2. Kendrick tries to work a submission, but HHH escapes and dodges a crossbody attempt. He tags to Kendrick, who knocks MVP off the apron and nails Kendrick with a facecrusher suplex thing and the Twist of Fate. Hardy tries to go up top, but Zeke knocks him off. Kendrick covers for 2. Tag to MVP. MVP works over Hardy's chest for a bit. Tag to Kendrick, who nails another nice dropkick for 2. While working a camel clutch, Kendrick tags to MVP, who starts to work an abdominal stretch. Tag to Kendrick. Low dropkick gets 2. Jeff escapes and totally botches a Whisper in the Wind by having his back land on Kendrick's head. Nevertheless, he tags to Triple H, who totally cleans house and annihilates MVP with all his signature spots. Pedrigree wins it after Hardy clotheslines Kendrick out of the ring.
 
WINNERS: Triple H and Jeff Hardy.
 
Video package for Khali to hype up the battle of the cultures! It's Indian cuisine versus...wait, does Russia have any nationally recognized dishes?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I love how fake that gorilla is.
 
WWE 24/7 presents: Sid Justice and Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper. Hogan wins with a clothesline? On Flair? WHAT?
 
Shelton Benjamin comes out with a fancy white shirt. Shelton reminds us that's he's the Gold Standard (for the very few who didn't know) and that R-Truth has no standards at all. He actually calls Truth a "street urchin". I guess it's the more evolved version of the sea urchin. This brings out Truth, who raps his way through the crowd meerly to ask Shelton "What's up?". Shelton looks disgusted and leaves. And I thought Zeke was the only black guy with that kind of power. Next week, Shelton will face Santino Marella. Yay! Santino on Smackdown! Oh, and Brie Bella and Maria are headed for the ring.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I just tend to avoid horses.
 
Maria and Brie Bella vs. Natalya and Victoria
 
Victoria beats down on Maria, who eventually flips out of the onslaught and rolls up Victoria for 2. A tag to Brie Bella, who hits a sunset flip for 2. Victoria puts an end to that by picking up Brie and slamming her into the corner. A tag to Natalya, who shoves Brie around for a bit. Snap suplex gets 2. A quick monkey flip from Brie gets 1. After that, it's all Natalya. Tag to Victoria. Victoria knocks Maria off the apron and throws Brie over the rope. Victoria tries to stop her, but Brie crawls under the ring and EMERGES FROM THE SIDE RIGHT NEXT TO THE ONE SHE JUST WENT THROUGH. Wow. Nothing suspicious about that. "Brie" tags to Maria, who hits a crossbody for the win.
 
WINNERS: "Brie Bella" and Maria. Wow. The whole "switching with her twin" thing TOTALLY isn't obvious now. Hell, even WWE Magazine ruined it by posting a picture of the twins in their latest issue WHILE THE STORYLINE IS STILL TAKING PLACE. Fools.
 
Video package for Kozlov. Hehehe. Kozlov uses his head. Kozlov vs. Khali is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Standing on broken glass would hurt.
 
Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh: Communism vs. ... Parliamentary Democracy?
 
Kozlov starts off with a waistlock, but Khali shrugs him off. Kozlov goes for the leg, but Khali shrugs him off again. Kozlov tries headbutts, so Khali brain chops him and kicks him out of the ring. Khali goes on the offensive outside, but Kozlov ducks a clothesline and Khali runs into the ring post. Trips comes out and heads for Kozlov, who is surprisingly backing away from the ring. Trips tries to goad Kozlov into coming back for a fight, but from behind Khali tries to attack. Both heels double-team Trips until Jeff Hardy arrives. Then they double-team him. HHH pulls out old Sledgie from under the ring and Kozlov flees, leaving Khali to get brutalized. Trips wants Kozlov to come back, but he refuses, pointing to Hardy. HHH crotch chops for good measure. Um, I guess that was a No Contest.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I feel bad for that dog.
 
Chavo, Vickie, and Show are in Vickie's office and damn, Show is WAY too big for that couch. Look at it sag! Chavo tries to warn Vickie of the impending doom, but Show SHUTS HIM UP and DEAR GOD, MAKES US WATCH THE UNFORGIVEN REPLAY AGAIN! It's times like this when I wonder if it's really worth it. Chavo has a match next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Never hurts to have luck when ordering take-out.
 
Chavo Guerrero vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
 
Before the match, Gregory Helms's head pops up and warns Chavo to go home. Easy for you to say, Helms. You've got Velvet Sky to go home to.
 
Jimmy starts this one off by dropkicking Chavo out of the ring. He follows up with a crossbody over the ropes and rolls Chavo back in the ring. Jimmy goes up top, but as he's coming down, Chavo dropkicks him in the gut. Chavo beats on Jimmy and works the arm for a bit. Jimmy fights out long enough to hit an enziguri, but Chavo tosses Jimmy from the ring. After bringing him back in the ring, Chavo starts to work the arm again. Jimmy escapes and hits a kick in the back of the head for 1. Missile dropkick gets 2. Crossbody also gets 2. Jimmy goes up top, but Chavo trips him up. Chavo goes for the superplex attempt, but Yang knocks him off and goes for the moonsault, only to miss. Chavo hits 2 of the 3 Amigos, but Jimmy rolls him up on the 3rd for 2.  Chavo ducks a kick attempt and hits a rolling Liger kick for the win.
 
WINNER: Chavo Guerrero
 
The lights go out, but no Undertaker appears. Chavo looks terrified.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That one dude sure likes flexing.
 
Carlito & Primo Colon vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder (WWE Tag Team Championship Match)
 
It's the first title defense for the Edgeheads. Yep, that's right, the poor saps have never defended their titles before this. Chumps.
 
Primo and Hawkins start off. Primo ducks a clothesline and hits an armdrag and a really cool headscissors. Tag to Carlito, who hits a dropkick for 2. Primo tags in and Carlito slams Primo onto Hawkins for 2. Tag to Carlito. Carlito nails a diving headbutt (fro-butt?) onto the spine of Hawkins for 2. Hawkins tosses Carlito into the ring post and tags to Ryder. Ryder breaks out the generic offense (kicks, stomps, punches) and works an armbar. Tag to Hawkins, who follows with more generic goodness. A surprise neckbreaker gets 2. Carlito almost is able to break free, but he gets shoved back in the corner. Tag to Ryder. Even more generic offense and armbars. Carlito hits an armbar and tries to tag to Primo, but Ryder stops him and tags in Hawkins, who tosses Carlito from the ring. COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Smoking is not an option in most videogames.
 
Hawkins is working over Carlito. Tag to Ryder, but Carlito is able to shove the 'Heads into each other and make the tag to Primo. Primo comes in with a HOUSE OF FIRE! He hits a missile dropkick, but Hawkins breaks up the pin. Ryder tries to roll up Primo, but only gets 2. Carlito tags in and hits the Backstabber fore the win and the titles!
 
WINNERS AND NEW WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Carlito and Primo Colon. At this rate, I would've taken two bags of rocks. They would still know how to wrestle more than the Edgeheads.
 
Here come Jesse and Festus with a van to move more crap. Hope they pack up those loser Edgeheads in a box and forget to put airholes in it.
 
Chavo is totally freaking out backstage, but Big Show shuts him up. Vickie and Show head for the ring and Chavo meekly follows.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Killer Moth is in Lego Batman. That's awesome.
 
Apparently, Jesse and Festus are shoving their captives in the back of the van. They show Kenny Dykstra and Ryan Braddock struggling in the back. Well, that's certainly in no way disturbing.
 
Vickie, Show and Chavo make it to the ring. After the usual "Excuse me!", Vickie wants 'Taker to show himself. Then DEAR GOD THEY SHOW IT AGAIN! WHY MUST I SUFFER!? Chavo wants the UT-bashing to stop, but Show and Vickie continue. The lights go out and CHAVO IS GONE! The Titantron shows him getting his ass kicked all over Vickie's office. Vickie sends Show to run down and stop things. Because when you need things done quickly, who better than the tall, fat, slow guy? Tazz heads to the ring to conduct an interview (I think. He might've smelled food or something.) and again the lights go down and TAKER IS THERE. Vickie eats Tombstone.
 
Well, that's it for the Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week as I venture into the bold new world that is MyNetwork TV. It's sure to be really hard to find for the rest of you, er, really cool! I think. I hope.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).