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SmackDown Rant Archive (September 2007)

September 07, 2007
September 15, 2007
September 21, 2007
September 28, 2007

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (09/07/07)

Okay, I’m really tired, so this recap won’t be the most thorough thing in the world. Then again, my last recap wasn’t very thorough either, and I was wide awake. Maybe I’m just lazy. In any case, lets get this out of the way so that I can go the fuck to bed.

Oh yes, and there is a BIG announcement coming up at the end. So stay tuned. Or alternatively, just do what I know most of you have already done, and skip right to the fucking bottom. My betting is that at least a third of you never even got round to reading this whole goddamn sentence. Bastards.

Start off with US and Tag champ MVP, who is the only man in the WWE at the moment to hold two championships, by my calculation, and the only champ not to have had a proper match for a good two months. I would say that was because of his heart defect but hell, it’s probably just a normal day in the booking office.

Guest tonight is Matt Hardy… who is full-body-searched before he is allowed into the ring. It’s the little things that make a great angle. And it’s TNA that makes a shit Angle. MVP rolls footage of him stealing the tag win last week, so Hardy shows footage of him taking his belt from MVP backstage last week. Matt asks for a match at Unforgiven, but MVP slacks off again, saying that they will be having a tag match against Deuce and Domino for the titles. Jesus F Christ, MVP STILL needs to be carried? He had a murmur, not a fucking coronary.

Match 1:- Matt Vs Deuce.

Set up by MVP. Just to piss me off one would assume. Deuce knocks Hardy around for a good while before Hardy makes his comeback. They are doing a good job of making Hardy look like the underdog here, as if he was thrown straight in at the deep end. Unfortunately, Deuce’s arsenal is about as pretty as Joe Merricks cellulite (hey, I can bitch him out all I want now he’s fired) and it all looks sloppy. Kinda like Joe Merr… never mind; I know what overkill is. Domino gets involved but is ejected forcefully by Matt, but Deuce takes the advantage, and tries to hit the ‘Crack Em In The Mouth’. As he bounces against the ropes, MVP grabs his ankle, and Matt hit’s the twist of fate for the win. Great angle.

Winner:- Matt.

Yes, I know I’m rushing tonight. Screw you, my girlfriend is here, and unlike pretty much every reader I have (or had before this sentence), I get to have some fucking sex tonight, so bollocks to you.

Jamie Noble lays a trap for Hornswoggle by laying out a trail of… wait for it… lucky charms. That’s like leaving a trap for the French, with a trail of pussies leading up to it. Fucking juvenile crap.

Match 2:- Dykestra vs. Chuck Palumbo.

And to the surprise of… well… my gran, it seems that Chris Masters has been suspended! But to be honest, it surprises my Nan when she has a piss these days, so what the hell. Regardless, Kenny Dykestra is now Palumbo’s cannon fodder, and is knocked around the ring as such. At one point, Victoria straddles me… erm… the bike, I meant the bike… mostly because my girlfriend is sat two feet away from me… but Michelle pretty much kills her with a kick. Chuck hit’s the Full Throttle, which is actually more First Gear to be honest, and that’s all she wrote. I wish she bloody hadn’t.

Winner:- Chuck.

Krystal, Vickie, Teddy backstage. There is talk of consummation, so I blank the whole segment out until Krystal gets a call from her ‘mother’. Teddy tells Vickie her mother is always calling. Oh dear, maybe her mother is helping her build The Wall. Or maybe her mother actually has a dong and isn’t her mother and is fucking her behind Teddys back and I really don’t give a flying monkeys chuff. Gah, what a pile of shite.

Batista and Kane vs. Finlay and Khali.

I’d love to tell you that I loved this match. So I will. But it will be a lie. This is all the same stuff these guys have been doing for god knows how long now, and even if I wasn’t in a rush, I wouldn’t bother recapping it. You wanna know what happens? Read my Summerslam Rant. Or last weeks SD rant. Or any Rant that I have penned within the last three months. Batista and Kane eventually throw Khali from the ring, Kane choke slams Finlay, and that’s it until next week when they will do it all the fuck over again.

Winners:- Teest and Kane.

Jamie Noble’s ‘Box Held Up By A Stick On A String’ trap sucks. Hornswoggle follows the charms, and is under the box, but the rope isn’t attached to the stick. D’OH! That’s the first thing Charlie Chaplin checked when he first did this sketch just after the second world war! Hornswoggle leaves his belt under the box, Noble grabs it, and Swoggle takes away the stick, trapping Noble. Who, for the record, could definitely lift that box, even from underneath it. I guess he’s just CHOOSING to look like a complete gimp. Hornswoggle then shouts ‘BEEP BEEP’ and runs away very fast. Okay, that didn’t happen, but if it had, I would forgive the whole thing for being ass.

Jesse and Festus are amazed that the box can talk, and has a name. Apparently it is called Jamie Noble. I think the box version has more credibility than the real version, because the real version would be laying on it’s back now.

Match 4:-Hornswoggle vs. Noble.

Noble doesn’t come out. He must still be trapped under that box, which must have weighed, ooh, at least a tonne. Eventually, Noble runs down but its too late. He then falls over some marbles. This is like home alone.

Finlay:- (On a plane, sitting as if trying to remember something. Then sits straight up, stares into camera…) HORNSWOGGLE!! Ah, fuck it. ANOTHER GUINNESS OVER HERE!
Flair:- (Naked) Wooooooo!

Noble is flat on his back after falling over some marbles. Noble has less credibility than Vito. Hell, he spends more time on his back than Vito’s ex wife. Erm… she died, by the way.

Mark Henry comes out to beat up a druid after another Undertaker video package, but the lights go out, and instead of hugging to druid to sleep, he ends up with merely a cloak. Somewhere, there is a guy wearing nothing.! I wonder who that druid was?

Flair:- (Naked) Wooo!

Main Event:- Rey vs. Chavo, I Quit Match.

Rey will put Chavo on the shelf. You heard it here first. Which… erm… is the whole point in a recap really, isn’t it?
Chavo holds up a chair and threatens to take out Rey’s leg again. Unfortunately, Rey is richer than Chavo, and can afford to buy top class steroids and effectively cover the paper trail. Plus, he has cateracts, and the Disabled get all the best things. FUCK YOUR PARKING SPACES.

Great match here with both men trying initially to decapitate each other with chairs. The chairs are continually used liberally to the point in which Sabu sues Rey for stealing his whole repertoire. Hey, if DDP can do it! I thought until I was fifteen that DDP was Beanie Sigel. A rap joke for you there. DIVERSITY FTW. Chavo eventually beats Rey’s knee with the chair, then puts it around Rey’s neck and runs him into the ring post. Almost every move has somehow included a chair so far. Rey sits Chavo on the chair and hit’s the seated senton through it. That is NOT a Lucha move! That is a flying fucking sit-down. Later, Chavo goes for the Frogsplash, but Rey catches him in the Tree Of Woe, and beats Chavo in the knee until Chavo screams ‘I Quit’. That’s a novel idea, you junkie bastard, GET OFF THE JUICE,

Winner:- Rey.

Out comes Khali, and squeezes Rey’s head until he bleeds from the mouth! Great visual. If it takes gimmicks like that to make Khali look good, I am all for it. Then Batista runs in to stick his fucking hooter in. He’s like one of those granddad’s that peer out of their window at children in the street, he’s old, nosey and the only things he does are shit. He hit’s a spear on Khali. Khali sells it horribly, again. Goddamn that man.

Backstage, Teddy tells Khali and Singh that he is adding Batista to the match at the PPV. Despite the fact that Batista lost his qualifier, and has had a million FAILED chances to regain ‘his’ title, he is once again in the main event. I might go sleep with AJ Simpson’s girlfriend.

Stored In The Swagbag:- The Main Event, Chair 101. Honourable mentions AGAIN to Hardy and MVP.

Condemned To The Dungeon:- Batista with a title shot again. Let’s hope this time, the shot is right between his eyes.

Sorry that was rushed, but my girlfriend needs my sweet loving. And yes, I do make her call me Anvil during sex, so don’t mail me.

Okay, now for the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. I am heading into my third year of Uni. I am in dire need of money, so I went and got myself a nice little job. Unfortunately, some of the shifts fall, you guessed it, on a Friday.

So, as of now, I am no longer the Writer of The SD report. At least, for as long as I have the new job.

As of next week, you can catch the awesomely talented chest of Catherine Perez here on the SD reports. But I’m still a Staff Member here, and you will still be able to catch my shit quite frequently on the home page. Plus, you still have plenty of Sean's, Joe’s, Stephens, Camerons, Gersh’s hard work etc. It’s all there, and its all fantastic. Except for Joe’s. ZING.

But for now, I am Anvil, and goddamit, you were bloody lucky to have me.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Catherine Perez (09/15/07)
Bitches, hoes, pimps, players, tricks, and all bitch-asses, welcome back to the Smackdown Rant! WAIT, DON'T RUN~! Due to Anvil's Swagbag's departure to a job in the real world, I am your new hostess, Catherine Perez, ready to make up for a shitty edition of Deadface Walking. Yeah, Anvil took a page from the good book of Booker T and booked it the hell out of this gig (Get it? Book? Booker? Booked? Clever shit, I'm telling you.) While my first reaction to Anvil's request to have me recap this show was "Hahaha, screw that," I just couldn't turn down he opportunity to joke about Jesse and Festus Dalton and Chuck "Underchucker" Palumbo on a weekly basis. As it stands, I'm just a temp for this Rant, but who knows? I might actually enjoy ripping Smackdown apart week after week enough to want to keep the job. Besides, Smackdown's the only place where I can laugh at Batista's oxymoronic angry nonchalance towards BASKETBALLS~! Am I boring you? I'll let WWE take the reigns on the Boredom Express, because THIS. IS. SMACKDOWWWWN! Prepare to be kicked into a vast abyss... of shit.

We get a clip from last week's Mysterio/Guerrero match. Chavo quits, Rey celebrates, and Khali kicks the crap out of Rey and squeezes his head until blood pours. Welcome back, Rey. BAH GAWD IT'S BUHTEESTUH~! Wait, you guys saw this shit last week. Let's move on.

Shitty cartoon intro? Check. Blinding, deafening pyro? Check. We are now PRE-TAPED from Minneapolis, Minnesota! The crowd is going wild(-ish) for what may be the first and last time of the next two hours, and with good reason, because here comes THE UNDERCHUCKER... and some blonde chick! Oh, it's Michelle McCool. Victoria makes her way to the ring with Kenny "Looks Like A" Dykstra. Victoria actually looks nice, I must say. I was about to comment on how fully-clothed she is, but then I saw that she's practically wearing assless pants. Oh, poo.

Michelle gets Victoria into a headlock, which is reversed into a... whatever the hell that's supposed to be. Michelle finds herself in a reverse chin lock with a bridge, and quickly gets out. Some slaps to Victoria's face, and Michelle flies out of the ring. A weak punch to the abs to Michelle, and the action returns to the ring. Victoria manhandles Michelle for a bit as the ref begins a 5-count. Victoria fights out of what JBL calls a Japanese sleeper (although, no matter what country that sleeper's in, fans are snoozing during this match). Chopfest from both women until Michelle administers some clotheslines and dropkicks. A belly-to-belly toss to the mat to Victoria, and before long Kenny throws water at Michelle and Underchucker beats his ass in the ring. Oh, thank God; commercials!

Back to the show, and this match has become a mixed tag match. Underchucker beats the ever-loving crap out of Kenny, and executes a delayed vertical suplex. He kicks his ass... and kicks his ass... and Kenny's just looking like shit here. "Chuck has been so darn impressive..." says Michael Cole. Kenny finally gets some offense... never mind, Underchucker's got the upper hand yet again. "This is fun to watch~!" Sure it is, Layfield. Kenny tags Victoria in, much to her horror. She jumps on Palumbo to no avail, and he and Michelle double-team the assless-pantsed woman. Michelle finishes Victoria off and pins her for the 1-2-3. Le sigh.

WINNERS: Michelle McCool and The Underchuckah, playa~! Chuck looks like a muscleless Great Khali.

Jesse and Festus Dalton are backstage with Teddy Long. Uncle Fester's looking quite blah as Jesse brings a party to Teddy's room. Teddy gets a drink and dances with some random girls. Meanwhile, Festus just stands there looking like a moron. GO TEDDY~! GO TEDDY~! No, that's what all the party people were chanting. Over to the announce table with JBL and Michael Cole. Holy shit, what the hell's up with JBL's hair? Light blonde on top, brown at the bottom, disaster all over. Oh, right, Jibble and Cole plug the stereotypical Irish bar brawl between Kane and Finlay tonight.

During commercials, a bunch of nerdy guys rap. Beauty and the Geek, America's number one source for vapid, shallow whores and stereotypically geeky MMORPG enthusiasts.

Hey look, there's a druid in the ring~! Never mind, it's Mark Henry. Undertaker's not the only one who can do hocus pocus, says Mark. He says he's got powers too. I believe him! He's got this uncanny ability to sweat profusely after doing so little as making his entrance. We get yet another dead air video promo with the stupid little girl whispering. Over in Death Valley, the Undertaker stands tall as a horse and carriage is, uh, parked several feet in front of him. I've gotta say, this promo actually looks pretty cool. "Unforgiven..." says the Undertaker. The crowd goes wild as a really fake-looking bolt of lightning strikes and sets Undertaker's symbol on fire near the stage. The disembodied voice of the Undertaker tells Mark that, this Sunday, he will REST. IN. PEAAAAAAAAACE~! Yes, and you too will rest in peace at the World Of Discount Mattresses! What? Um... time for commercials.

Oh, God, ew. Diva Search coverage. Here come the sob stories. Premature babies, failed gymnasts, army brats... God, let it end. I hate this skanky bullshit. If I wanted to hear the stories of a bunch of twats' lives, I'd watch Lifetime or Oxygen. And we go from skank hunts to MVP and Matt Hardy playing chess. Matt wins~! Checkmate, bitch. BALLIIIIIIIIIIIIN'! MVP sneezes and wrecks the chess pieces all over the place. Matt lets MVP know that he set up a match for him, tonight. MVP runs away to ready himself as Matt does his best YMCA dance to the letters "M", "V", and "P". What a dork.

As Jamie Noble makes his entrance, we get a recap of the splendiferous escapades of Hornswoggle. Seriously? Jamie Noble got stuck in a box? Slipped on marbles? Christ, how lame. And here comes Shannon Moore!

JAMIE NOBLE (with crippling paranoia) vs. SHANNON MOORE (without Eugene or crowd support)
This one should be a Cruiserweight match to remember. LOOK, we're getting awesome high-flying stunts like... SHOULDER BLOCKS! PUNCHES! And Jamie Noble carrying Shannon on his shoulders and slamming him onto his back a la Batista and Randy Orton! Truly, this is a fast-paced match for the ages. An Atomic Drop and a half-assed Irish Whip from Moore. Noble eats a botched head scissors to the outside of the ring. Moore launches himself onto Noble as the referee begins a 10-count. At 7, both men return to the ring. Noble kicks out of a pin attempt. He sort of chokeslams Moore onto his knee. Shannon tells the ref that there's something under the ring. As Jamie runs over to see the little bastard for himself, he is rolled up into a pin.

WINNER: Shannon Moore. No, seriously.

Vickie Guerrero lures Kristal into a... what's that supposed to be, a bachelorette party? Whatever. MVP tells one of the referees standing backstage that his suit costs more than what the man makes in a week, and due to my not-quite-A.D.D., I miss the rest. Commercial time is upon us once again!

We get a recap of Matt Hardy vs. Douche from last week. You know, because a match of such excellence is always worth a second look. Yep. MVP makes his way to the ring sans bouncy tunnel of reefer and with his fancy suit. The bane of my existence, that fucking Happy Days song, plays as Douche, Domino and Cherry make their entrance.

BUT WAIT~! Here comes Matt Hardy! OH YEAAAAHHHH! Hardy isn't even wrestling; what the hell was the entrance music for? MVP kicks and punches at Domino. He executes an Irish Whip and does some weird Mortal Kombat-like battle cry. Douche trips MVP and Domino now has the upper hand. Scoop slam, leg drop and a cover for 2. Domino rips MVP's expensive shirt to the point where it looks like a shitty, loose-fitting. Hardy grabs a microphone and tells the fans to rally behind his tag team partner:

Matt: M-V-P!
Audience: SUCKS!
Matt: M-V-P!
Audience: SUCKS!

And so it goes for a good minute. MVP is basically getting his ass kicked here. An elbow drop to the sternum from Domino, and another failed pin attempt. Matt tries another chant attempt, and still gets "SUCKS~!" from the crowd. Dueling punches from both Domino and MVP. MVP tells Hardy that he doesn't need help, and immediately gets pinned. That only means one thing: more shitty '50s music.

WINNER: Domino.

Matt tries to make up with MVP. He tries a last chant attempt, and, well, you know how it goes. Luckily, Hardy's theme music brings an end to that.

Another damn recap of Rey Mysterio making Chavo quit and all that jazz. Michael Cole plugs Khali vs. Batista for tonight. Hmph. I just had to pick tonight to recap Smackdown. Pull yourself together, Catherine... only one hour left.

The Raw Rebound goes on just about forever. It's Hornswoggle being revealed as McMahon's, uh, little bastard. Back to Kristal's bachelorette party, where a huge box is delivered to her. The UPS guy tells Kristal that hauling the package around is giving him a hernia. Thanks, UPS guy, that's just what we wanted to know. As the guy leaves, the box nearly blows itself up from the sheer force of whatever opened it from the inside. A bomb?! Please, let it be a bomb. Fuck of all fucks, it's the fat, greasy one himself... Big Fat Oily Guy. Gawd. This guy looks like he just walked out of a Slip-'N'-Slide covered in bacon grease. Big Fat Oily Guy dances with the girls, and God decides to save me from stabbing myself in the face with a pair of tweezers by having the show go into commercials.

These commercial breaks just aren't long enough. Michael Cole thanks Alter Bridge (which totally isn't Creed with a new singer. Totally.) for their song. Whatever. Backstage, Khali jibber-jabbers. Batista and Rey Mysterio will succumb to the vice grip. Yeah. Punjab Translator Guy then repeatedly chants "KHALI, CINNABUN~! KHALI, CINNABUN~!" or something. I'm just reporting what I hear, kiddies.

Kane dominates Finlay with boots and right hands after flinging him into the steel steps. Finlay gets a high elbow in and brings Kane to his ass. Finlay gets a cover and doesn't even get a count of one. Kane uppercuts the crap out of Finlay and scoop slams him onto the mat. JBL calls this an old fashioned street fight. It must be; there hasn't been one damn weapon thus far. Maybe there wasn't any aluminum in ye olden times. Finlay finally gains control outside of the ring. Finlay slams Kane's hand onto the top of the steel steps. THE HORROR!!! Kane slams himself into one of the ring posts after Finlay ducks out of the way, and it's time for commercials yet again.

Boost Mobile, the preferred cellular telephone for really round fat-asses. Where you at? Who can't know where those huge assholes are, what with them being fatter than three of me?

And we're back in the ring with Finlay "putting on a clinic", as Michael Cole puts it. Kane's in a freakin' arm hold. Finlay works on Kane's left arm and goes for a chair. Tony Chimel literally jumps out of his seat and scampers off. Kane's arm takes a couple of chair shots. A few guys in the crowd begin to chant "WE WANT BLOOD." I'm sure Kevin Thorn would be more than willing to supply some. Speaking of Thorn, has that guy cut ONE promo at all since his debut? Oh, right; the match. Finlay's still working on Kane's arm. Kane kicks the crap out of Finlay and sends the Irishman to the outside. Kane drives Finlay's face into the barricade, then drags him over to the announce table. He throws the announce table covering onto Finlay's back, which I'm sure is the most painful thing EVARR!111. Back in the ring, where Kane side slams Finlay. Kane raises his arm for the Chokeslam, but grabs Finlay's shillelagh (I learned how to spell it just for this occasion) instead. Finlay begs for mercy, and crawls for the chair, but Kane places his MONSTROUS FOOT FROM HELL onto it. Finlay rolls out of the ring (followed by Kane) and eats a kick for his efforts, or lack thereof. Kane goes for a piece of steel steps as Finlay grabs a chair. Before Kane can do so much as move the step an inch forward, he gets a chair to the ribs and is covered for the three-count.


Even though weapons were barely used, and while it got off to a very slow start, this may very well be the best match of the night. Why advertise this match as a "first time ever" match, though?

Oh my god, Teddy Long is shirtless, in a tie and boxer shorts. He's locked out of the party after exiting to find Ron Simmons, and Kristal arrives to question his fashion sense and the hoes that soon appear behind him. Big Fat Oily Guy arrives, and Teddy wants to know why he's getting shit for having hoes when Kristal's hanging with the oily bastard. Both parties spill out onto the backstage area. Ron Simmons takes a good look at Teddy and earns his paycheck in the only way he can. Hey, wait, didn't Ron get his ass beat up by Santino Marella on Monday? Or was that last week? Whatever. Big Fat Oily Guy gets everyone back to partying. JBL sums this up in the best way possible: something along the lines of "That was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life."

Here comes Batista to wrestle a predictable match. Yeah, it's so predictable, I'm going to call it right now: shitty match, shitty DQ finish, Dave's left looking up at the lights at the end of the show. Using the Cena Theory, this means that Batista's winning his title match on Sunday. Khali makes his entrance with Punjab Translator Guy, and the camera cuts to a blonde woman looking at Khali in absolute disgust. I know how you feel, girl.

Batista looks to start things off like an epileptic 5-year-old, but is quickly overpowered by Khali. Backed up into the ring, Batista is laid out by Khali with some elbows to the side of the face. Khali clotheslines Batista and raises his arms, which probably means a vice grip is coming. Batista manages to escape the head hug of doom and is tossed outside of the ring. The referee begins a 10-count as Khali beats Batista's ass. By 6, both men return to the ring. Batista spinebusts Khali, much to the crowd's enthusiasm, and he has a WARRIAH Seizure at the ropes. A Batista chant breaks out as Khali gets the vice grip on. I swear I've seen this all before. Lo and behold, Khali is disqualified for not breaking the vice grip after a count of 5. This goes on and on and on as several referees run to the ring to get Khali to break the grip. Children in the crowd are horrified. The grip is finally released and that's the show. Yeah. That's it.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: Kane vs. Finlay. It wasn't the greatest match - hell, it was just over decent - but it entertained me more than the other 105 minutes of the show did.

LOWLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: It's gotta be a tie between the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties, which were pretty awful to witness, and the main event. I loathe you, Big Fat Oily Guy. You probably smell like semen and catfish. And that match was just atrocious. Thank God it was short.

I know, I know; you were probably expecting tons of fancy Photoshop graphics and whatnot to go with this recap. Get off my nonexistent nuts, kids; I'm tired. I promise I'll get a couple in with the next recap. Until then, I am Catherine and my room is really fucking sweltering. Nighty night, bitches!


Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Catherine Perez (09/21/07)
Welcome back to the Rant of the cursed show, nonbeliever! With audience members now falling to their doom, I'd hope that the rest of this week's crowd was put on a 24-hour suicide watch following the taping of this episode, which features the upcoming visual Holocaust that is the Teddy Long/Kristal Marshall wedding ceremony. Someone get me the Zoloft, because this is SMACKDOWN~!111

ARMADA BEES DEAN LIEEEEED!!! What a fun little opening tune, eh? And we are PRE-TAPED from Atlanta, Georgia, home of a certain guy who never existed. At all. Never. Shh. Batista and his World Heavyweight Championship belt open up the show. Oh, God, Batista, don't grab that microphone. Hey! That means he gets to use the obligatory opening cheap pop of the night! Batista's all dressed up with new clothes. He's in HAWT-LANTUH, and that was your obligatory opening cheap pop. Batista goes over how he overcame Khali, yadda yadda yadda. Teest promises that Rey Mysterio will be champion again someday. That someday, of course, will not be taking place in this century. Khali will be exercising his rematch clause at No Mercy. The crowd doesn't seem too pleased. Right after Big Teest says "In a... Punjabi... Prison Match...", literally 12 people pop. Ohhhh, it's gettin' hot up in here; here comes Mark Henry! It's the battle of the bad promos! Henry could (not couldn't. Could.) care less about Batista's little celebration here. Henry does a lovely job at "caring less" about tons of events that he is subconsciously plugging, including the Undertaker's return to Smackdown next week. Henry tells Batista that, while he's not after his belt now, he can take it any time he wants. Batista then replies, "Mark Henry, you are as stupid as you are ugly." Well, at least it's better than "Basketballs don't hold grudges." Henry's had a "Batista beat-down" coming for a long time. I guess this means we're going to see a bad Henry/Batista match tonight. ALSO TONIGHT~! The oft-plugged wedding from Hell! And Rey Mysterio speaks out!

As the show returns from commercials, we get another wedding plug. Maria and the Ying Yang Twins are standing around like tards. Jeff Hardy, in a suit, makes his way over to the three and hands his belt to Ying. Or Yang. I don't know. Hardy then dances like that dorky guy at every prom who thinks he can bust a move yet finds a way to make embarrassment go airborne. SPEAKING OF YANGS...


The match begins with Noble kicking Yang in the gut. Yang is Irish Whipped, and Noble gets some fancy kicking maneuvers for his troubles. Yang choppy-choppys Noble's chest and climbs the second rope. Four punches from Yang until Noble pushes him away and does some high kick with the ropes' aid. Noble puts Yang into some weird little arm hold. Cole and JBL are STILL plugging the damn wedding. Yang fights out of the arm hold and delivers a nice heel-kick to Noble's jaw. Noble gains the upper hand and gets a 2-count. He then drops a couple of elbows onto Yang's arm and head. Another weird little arm hold where Noble falls onto his ass and it's supposed to hurt Yang tons. Mhm. Another arm hold. Great Cruiserweight action here, my friends. An arm drag from Yang, followed by an atomic drop and a kick to the back of Noble's head. Yang goes for the cover, but Noble kicks out at 2. Gawd. Yet another arm hold from Noble. Yang makes it to the ropes, and gets a kick to the shoulder. A bit of back and forth action, and we're about to get another arm hold here, but Noble spots Hornswoggle's hat in the crowd! OH NOES! Noble leaves the ring and grabs Little Boy McMahon's head. Hornswoggle gets to his feet, and is looking about 2 feet taller tonight. So nice of Vince to pay for leg extension surgery. HEY WAIT, THAT'S SHANNON MOORE! Maaaan, if it wasn't for the long legs and torso, I would've totally believed it was the little bastard. Moore points and laughs as Noble is crossbodied to the floor by Yang. Back in the ring, Yang finally makes short work of Noble and covers him for the win as Moore laughs some more.

WINNER: Jimmy Wang Yang.

MVP sits backstage wearing all black and one of those anti-snoring strips on his nose, as he holds a football. Hardy confronts MVP, who is trying to "get into the zone." MVP throws a football, and it bounces off the side of a tire. Not one to resist the chance to one-up his rival, Hardy throws two footballs into the tire. MVP intercepts the third. "Who taught you defense, Bill Belichick?" asks Hardy. Had to Google that football guy's name. I'd probably laugh if I knew who the hell he is. MVP pumps Hardy up and runs off after being asked about a US title shot. Cole and JBL plug Teest vs. Henry.

Lovely. A video package plugging The Condemned. Vinnie Jones says The Condemned is what the fans want to see. Ah, yes, and I'm sure the box office money figures will back that up. Back to the show where MVP makes his entrance with the bouncy reefer tunnel and his No-Snore strip. The tunnel is literally GONE by the time Hardy makes his entrance about 40 seconds later. Those production bastards are QUICK. Ah, look, a "MATT HARDY PWNS MVP" sign. Thank you, random twelve-year-old.

MVP and MATT HARDY vs. GREASER 1 and GREASER 2 (w/ Skanky Tuscadero)

Because I value my diabetic grandmother's aching feet over this match, I missed this one. The ending saw MVP and Hardy shove each other, and Hardy getting rolled up by Domino... or Deuce... for the pin. Awww.

WINNER: Me. And the Greasers.

Oh snap, it's Bruce Bruce! Hilarious comedian. He's probably here to announce that he's filing a lawsuit against Kelly Kelly for name gimmick infringement. Bruce, Teddy and a bunch of other guys talk on and on and on, and I'm not catching a single word of it. Teddy assures the men that, tonight, he will make Kristal "holla, holla, holla!" So cheeky.

After commercials... IT'S REEEEEEEEY MYSTERIO! His music is extremely garbled. The crowd members (read: kids and parents) are going nuts for Rey. Michael Cole shakes Rey's hand and welcomes him back. Cole goes over Rey's accomplishments since returning, then reminds him that he lost his championship match. Rey says he's glad to be back on Smackdown with the fans, and congratulates Batista on becoming the champ (for the millionth time). Friends or not, "I once.... will become again..... World Heavyweight Champion." What? Cole goes over last October's I Quit match, and the I Quit match from 2 weeks ago, and asked if Rey feels like he's gotten revenge. Revenge isn't a strong enough word for Rey. Rey finds the word "redemption" better. JBL practically goes bonkers about Cole asking "softball" questions, and decides to take over the interview. JBL gets prejudiced real quick. Christ. JBL calls Rey a disgrace to this country and a disgrace to the show. Rey disagrees, and reminds Jibble that "I retired your ass!" Little Rey-Rey took him down. Yeah, that's what Rey called himself. Rey asks if JBL would like to go for Mysterio-Bradshaw 2. IT'S ON NOW, BITCHES! It's starting to look like a messed up strip club here, with both JBL and Rey taking some articles of clothing off. JBL opts for Finlay to fight Rey instead, since, you know, he loves to fight and all. Yeah. I'd rather see Mysterio vs. Hornswoggle. Now there's a match for the ages (2 to 10). Finlay grabs the microphone and smacks it right into Mysterio's head. Good promo there, Irishman. Bah gawd, Finlay's got the shillelagh! A high-pitched Batista chant breaks out as Finlay makes his way to the back again. Time to enjoy some commercials.

Yet another wedding plug, just in case you've forgotten what's going on tonight. The Raw Rebound presents The Adventures of Mr. Cena! Christ, Coach has prettier eyebrows than I do, and I don't think that's a good thing. We get another fuckin' Ying Yang Twins segment. Jimmy Wang Yang comes out to do a little dance. Egh. The Underchucker rides out on his motorcycle looking Super Crazy after falling into a dumpster filled with Harley Davidson products. Hey, what ever happened to Super Crazy? Hey, the segments over! Thank God. Commercials again? Thanks for wasting not-so-precious time, Cenas.

I hate that "white guys rapping about McNuggets" commercial. HATE it. Damn Smackdown to Hell if they plug the wedding again.

Michael Cole plugs the wedding again. Hell. Go. Now. Oh, look, Slut Hunt Volleyball, because handling balls helps with gaining employment within WWE. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that just about no one is watching those Slut Hunt videos.

Kristal's bridesmaids are all wearing blue dresses. Remind me to burn my blue dress after the show. R&B group Jagged Edge enter the room to talk to Kristal and sing a Capella for her. I'm about to blow chunks here, guys. Thankfully, this is over quick. Something tells me that tonight's wedding is going to end stupidly.


I predict a Taker video interference. And a bullshit finish. Let's see, the DQ was used last week for Teest's match, so tonight I'm predicting a count-out. Commercial time is upon us yet again.

The bell rings and the two big brutes lock up. Big Mark backs Dave into a corner and lands some slow kicks. Batista gains the upper hand with some forearms and a clothesline. Henry backs Dave into a corner again and manhandles him with his arms. Oh, shit, Vulcan Nerve Pinch from Henry! Shit like this does not write itself. Batista fights out and shoulder-blocks the Silverback, then busts out with a spinebuster. Here comes Khali to ruin everything. Batista "unloads" on Khali as Cole put it, and Khali no-sells every forearm. Not sure how this doesn't result in a disqualification, but it does result in a count-out! Hate to say I told you so. Khali gets Dave into the DANGEROUS HEAD SQUEEZER, then delivers a... Khali Bomb? If a Khali Bomb and a Batista Bomb went off in the middle of a forest... would anyone give a fuck? Probably not.

It's time for the wedding from Hell! This shit looks exactly like the set from the Lita/Edge wedding... and the Lita/Kane wedding. Tons of stars from all three brands are here to witness this event. Balls Mahoney looks absolutely hilarious with his regular trashy attire with a tie over it. "Reverend" Bruce Bruce is in the ring, ready to conduct this ceremony. Irwin R. Schyster, Sgt. Slaughter, Pat Patterson, and... Hornswoggle are here, among others. Vince doesn't seem too pleased. Hornswoggle places a giant book on his seat and happily plants his ass next to Coach. Good thing there's commercials to help ready myself for this disaster.

Back already? Ugh. Teddy makes his way to the ring with a big, shit-eating grin on his face. The bridesmaids and groomsmen are out next. Let's move this shit along, people! With all this cheesy-ass music and everything... Bruce Bruce then announces in the funniest voice ever, "Alright everybody... here comes the bride!" Kristal very, very slowly makes her way out. Kristal trips on the steps, and I nearly die laughing. This ceremony has finally commenced. Wait, no it hasn't. Jagged Edge want to sing a song beforehand. This soulful ballad begins with "Waaaaaave your haaaaaands, everybawwwdeeeee!" Lovely. Jeff Hardy is doing some crazy, slow-motion spastic retard waving dance move that is just embarrassing to even witness. Just about the funniest thing here so far is Vince waving his body from side to side as everyone else is just waving his or her arms. Oh god, here comes Jillian with one of those face-microphones. Jillian calls the Jagged Edge performance "horrendous.” Everyone pleads with Jillian to not sing. As Jillian sings horribly, she is dragged the hell out of there by Candice and some chick I couldn't really see (Mickie?). Bruce Bruce declares that Jillian's singing was the worst he's ever heard. Can't disagree there. Hornswoggle smacks Coach upside the head, which gets what's probably the first Hornswoggle chant ever. Bruce Bruce asks if anyone objects to Teddy and Kristal being wed, and Godfather's music subsequently plays. Godfather and his hoes get on down to the ring, much to Kristal's horror. Lilian Garcia is probably crying for Big Daddy V-Cups right now. Tommy Dreamer's looking like a straight-up pimp in that suit and hat of his, I've gotta say. Godfather tries to persuade Teddy to take a ride on the Ho Train. Teddy's a one-woman man now, so Godfather instead gets every male wrestler in attendance to follow the Ho Train to the back. Hilariously enough, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco do not tag along. I know this'll come as a shock to most of you, but the crowd is just about 80% dead for this dragged-out segment. I didn't hear them myself, but a few other Smackdown reports say that the crowd was chanting "we want wrestling!" Those fucking ingrates. What the hell do they think this is - a wrestling show? Hornswoggle and Coach start a little slapfest, and the little bastard runs under Kristal's gown. Dear God. Coach actually crawls into the dress as well. Dear Lord in Heaven. Vince and Coach chase Hornswoggle to the back. This is the most disastrous wedding I've ever witnessed. Bruce Bruce finally gets to the I Dos. Kristal, of course, says I do. At this point, I turn to my little sister and say, "I'll bet you this bastard passes out right now." Teddy then says, "I.... I..." and passes the hell out. Thank you, come again. I must be some kind of gifted psychic or something. After a fit of hysterics from Kristal (looks like Teddy made Kristal "holla" after all~!), EMTs tend to the fallen Teddy. Good thing that suicide watch is in full effect tonight. And that's the show. Yeah, seriously, this was your main event. That's it. Show's over.

Good to know that we all made it through this in one piece. Remember that all feedback goes either to my e-mail inbox or
MySpace. If you're not feeling like inflicting pain on yourself tonight, feel free to check out the main page for this week's great updates, which includes Sean Carless's SUPER SECRET WRESTLEMANIA 24 DREAMCARD. I'm Catherine Perez, and you've just read the Smackdown Rant. Yeah.


Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (09/28/07)
Welcome all to a very special edition of Friday Night Smackdown!, for tonight marks an event that only occurs two or three times a year - The return of the Undertaker! Yes, after being away from tv for over four months, he makes his return to Smackdown tonight in, um, the exact same match he won like two weeks ago at Unforgiven when he actually returned. Huh. Well anyway, I'm sure they've got something interesting planned for this main event. Surely they wouldn't just have another glorified squash. Surely.
Anyway, we start off with a recap of Teddy and Kristal's wedding last week. They don't even show Kristal falling or anything! I don't know why they wouldn't, that's one of my favorite Smackdown moments from this entire year, right up there with...um... The Khali Shuffle? Okay, it's my only favorite Smackdown moment by default. But still. All the more reason to replay it, because it really was a great fall. I mean she didn't just fall, she fell and slid all the way down the steps and out onto the floor as Vince just turns his head and takes a quick step back. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he would've liked to help her up, however his probable Vietnam-like flashbacks to the Royal Rumble a couple years ago paralyzed him with the panic of that horrible moment. Let's go with that. Anyway, Vince is backstage with Vicki Guerrero. Apparently Teddy had a massive heart attack and is in a coma. That's worse than I expected, I mean he was well enough when he clutched his heart and fainted to break his fall with his hands. I wish I had reflexes like that. So with Teddy out, Vicki is the next most qualified person to be Smackdown GM for, some reason, I'm sure. Vince says he has faith in her when Finlay shows up and they walk away talking about Hornswoggle or something, I don't know. I was kind of eating.
Next is the continuation of a feud that's been going for quite a while now with some forgotten irrelevant reason behind it and no chance of a title being involved or any sort of furthering the feud whatsoever. And no, I'm not talking about Kane/Finlay. Or Chuck Palumbo/Kenny Dykstra. Or Mark Henry/Undertaker. All of those are later. I'm referring to Torrie Wilson and Victoria! ...Hey, why are you scrolling down the page?
Torrie is out to little reaction and Victoria to even less. It's the Black Widow vs the White Divorcee? No? Oh. Well anyway, Billy Kidman's losses aside, this match is on.
Torrie Wilson vs Victoria, Grudge Match...I think
They lock up which of course Victoria wins. She puts Torrie in a headlock but she gets out. Torrie takes down Victoria with a crossbody and an arm drag. She then rolls her up for two consecutive two's. Victoria throws her out to the floor, then follows her out and begins assualting her, but not sexually because this is the CW. Those wrestling shows come on the higher channels. Victoria then rolls her in and gets a two count. Snap suplex gets another two. Torrie is back with some punches but Victoria battles that with her remarkably large boobs. Boots. I said boots. But Torrie rolls her up again for another two. She then hits some weak forearms and bounces off the ropes and hits a headscissors followed by a clothesline and facebuster for another two count. She then misses a clothesline and Victoria gets the roll up with a little help from every lame heel's best friend. No, not jokes about city's sports teams, I mean the bottom rope.
After the match some new blond girl is out and hits a back breaker on Torrie, then goes outside while Torrie lies in the ring and bends her CARCASS around the ringpost. She then pulls her out and throws her into the barrier and leaves looking like she just accomplished something. She does know that Victoria won the match, right? And that the women's title is on Raw? Motives are for the weak.
JBL says he'll be conducting a hard-hitting interview with Rey Mysterio tonight, which will be totally a real interview and not at all exactly like the one we saw just last week where JBL just made racist jokes towards Rey Mysterio until a fight broke out.
Next in the ring is a bunch of random people who I guess are supposed to be MVP's friends. What better place for a party than a resling ring?! Pretty much anywhere? You're probably right. Poor choice of location aside, it's time for the VIP Lounge. MVP says if Teddy dies in the hospital, he will best be remembered for signing MVP to the most lucrative contract in history. He says today is the one-year anniversary of him being signed to Smackdown! and he's lived up to the hype and says he's actually most proud of his tag team title which he won with the man who is riding on his coattails, Matt Hardy. I wonder why they made him say that? I mean you'd think he'd be proud of his U.S. title the most. It's supposed to still be kind of a big deal and is generally considered a bigger achievement than the tag titles and it usually has at least one contender for it, plus he won it in a big upset from...erm, oh, yeah... Well anyway, at this Hardy makes his way to the ring with a bottle of champagne. He explains even though this party isn't his scene he still showed up because they are partners - no, more than that - homies. He presents MVP with a special video package. These always go over so well. This video includes MVP getting stunnered, KO'd by Holyfield, set of fire, and losing a basketball and arm wrestling contest to Matt. After it's over, MVP is looking rather upset over the champagne, or maybe it's the video. But the champagne looks pretty cheap. But still, he shouldn't be so unapprecitive of Hardy's attempts, he knows that he's from Nawth Cayowlina. TGI Friday's is where people celebrate big job promotions and fiftieth wedding anniversaries down there. It's all he knows. Just be lucky he didn't bring a two-liter of Pepsi. Regardless, MVP is still pissed, but Matt insists the video was just a joke. He then pours him the cristal which both ruins my entire cheap champagne thing and amazes MVP that he can afford it. Matt gives a toast calling MVP arrogant like four times among other things which causes MVP to try to kick Matt out of the party, but Hardy insists before he leaves, he has one last gift for him - tonight MVP will face Kane. Because Matt Hardy is co-GM with Vicki, I suppose.
Sometimes I don't think WWE realizes that not every kind of person would make a good wrestling character. Like yeah there are some rednecks out there, that's not gonna make anyone cheer Cade and Murdoch or Cade and Murdoch's retarded Smackdown bretheren. And while some guys are into motorcycles, it's still impossible to get virtually any reaction to this next match.
Chuck Palumbo vs Kenny Dykstra, Apathy Match
Lock up and Palumbo takes down Kenny. Chuckie slings him into a turnbuckle and hits a big hip toss followed by a slam and a missed elbow drop. This lets Kenny get in a missle dropkick which gets two. Kenny kicks the back and dropkicks him on the ground and stomps his face for another two. Kenny then gets him in a body scissors/chinlock combo but Plaumbo gets on his feet with Kenny on his back, so he rams him into the turnbuckle a couple of times until Kenny comes off. Big punches and a back elbow off the ropes by Palumbo, who follows with a powerslam and then a clothesline. More punches lead into a whip of Irish descent and a big belly to belly suplex, then a yakuza and swinging side slam which I guess is his finisher because it wins the match and there hasn't been a clean finish that hasn't ended with a finisher in like fifteen years.
Condemned DVD, Jesse and Festus debut next week, Batista says he's a dangerous animal in a cage but a docile sloth in bed, both due to steroids, Undertaker promo, and lots more shit you don't care about take up the next fifteen minutes or so. MVP and Kane up next.
We come back to a two-minute long Taker promo featuring his usual montage of images. Close up of the chair, coral snakes writhing on the coffin in the desert, that whole bit. I bet all of these promos will equal the length of his match tonight.
MVP vs Kane, Nostalgia Match
MVP and Kane both have made amazing recoveries from their respective burns. MVP starts off with an armbar but Kane "starts things off with power moves." As opposed to fucking what, his vast arsenal of technical holds or jaw-dropping high-flying style? Kane takes him down with a shoulder block and MVP gets all Malcom X angry and starts yelling and shoves Kane, so Kane takes him down a few pegs to Rodney King with an uppercut and slam to the turnbuckle followed by more uppercuts. MVP goes to seek refuge outside but Kane of course follows with what of course more punches. Back in the ring Kane hits a big boot and what else but more uppercuts. MVP hits a low dropkick off the ropes, however Kane just toses him into a corner. MVP blocks a corner clothesline with an elbow followed by a plethora of punching and kicking. Kane counters MVP's suplex attempt with his own but MVP hits a slow-mo ddt. MVP gets only two, so he breaks Kane's neck with the appropriate move, but Kane somehow kicks out at two with a broken freaking neck! Either that move's effect isn't as literal as it's name, or Kane really does have magical powers. I'm leaning towards the latter. I mean how else can anyone be involved in as many bad storylines as Kane has (ie all of them) and STILL consistently get the biggest pop of the night this side of HORNSWOGGLE? MVP punches some more and gets a couple more two counts. Kane comes back with uppercuts and a back elbow off the ropes but misses the top-rope clothesline which gets MVP two. Another armbar by MVP but Kane escapes, so MVP hits some more rights but the ref backs MVP off long enough for Kane to land in a shot followed by a slam to the corner and an irish whip which MVP counters into a drop toehold sending Kane facefirst into the turnbuckle. Kane blocks a kick and hits a clothesline followed by more kicks and Jesus fucking Christ, this is like watching a wrestling match on a video game between two people who only know how to kick and punch. You hold R1 and move the analog stick SIMULTANEOUSLY, you fools! Kane gets a backdrop and a goozle but MVP elbows out and is off the ropes to collide heads just in time for the commercials. When we return MVP is choking Kane on the ropes. Kane keeps trying to get up but MVP keeps him down with a running boot which gets a two. MVP locks in another armbar and chinlock but Kane gets to his feet but MVP puts him back down with a jawbreaker. MVP hits a big kick which gets two. MVP then clubs some more and makes a not cool at all pose to which Kane replies with a not repetitive at all uppercut. He whips him into the turnbuckle and clotheslines MVP twice, then gets a side slam for two. Kane goes up but MVP meets  him there looking for a superplex. Kane headbutts him down and finally gets the obligatory flying clothesline, then another goozle by Kane which MVP counters again by throwing him over the top onto the apron. Kane back in and starts choking MVP with both hands so MVP just kicks him with a low blow for the DQ. Of course, of course they end a 15 minute match with a DQ, how satisfying. That match was ridiculously horrible.
Oh, oh! Diva Search time! For those of you who HAVEN'T been following, Naomi was eliminated last week for not being very good at volleyball. This week Lyndy gets the axe for not being a very good limboer. "Lyndy, you have been eliminated." "Really?" No, Lyndy, not really at all. You were just the only girl who failed the limbo challenge and they just directly told you you were out, but no, that was a joke. They've decided to keep you and get rid of Jessica because she won't put out for Johnny Ace....actually, don't be surprised if you see Lyndy back next week as a special "wildcard."
Back from commercials we get that weird promo that everyone already knows is Jericho anyway with a bunch of scrolling letters and words. I only caught a few, they were "rescue", "locator", and "bumpy". And yes, I'm completely certain of the accuracy of those. Perhaps. Maybe.  Hey, JBL inteview time! He's in the ring and says it won't be touchy feely Barbra Walters, it'll just be really cheap and racist and kind of uncomfortable to watch. Rey is out to a quieter intro, but his music still sucks regardless of the volume, unless that volume is 0 or Mute. He looks pretty solemn for some reason. JBL says something about machismo and calls him stupid but has some real hardball questions for Rey. Rey however has one for him - What his "hatrage" for Rey is all about. He pries that maybe it's because Rey retired JBL and JBL really wants to be the one being interviewed. JBL gets intensely angry and says he's damn right, he is stuck talking up guys who are half the champion with half the talent he has. Rey says JBL needs to get over the fact that his career is "over, finato, comprende?" JBL responds by shouting "English!" Rey basically challenges him to a match, but JBL says he should be worried about Khali next week and shoves Rey across the ring. Rey however gets him on the ropes and hits a 619 and seated senton but enter FINLAY who lays him out with a shileighleigh shot. Cole says Rey is clearly Finlay's next victim like that explains it. It's like they don't even try to make up motives for people, can't they come up with anything? Maybe do like Finlay's looking for a replacement midget for Hornswoggle in Rey and he's "breaking him in" or however you gain control over a midget. As opposed to just grabbing one, I mean.
Speaking of which, Vicky is in the back with Horny and says him winning the title was a fluke, and so was all those times he defended it, and him being champion is a joke. Shannon Moore, now THERE'S a guy who can be taken seriously as a champion right now. She is concerned that him being a champion and a McMahon will make him a target, because everyone attacks the McMahons, so he needs to "advocate" the title. For some reason she then takes it from him and he leaves like he's about to cry. I thought she wanted him to show it off and advertise he had it. Did she mean vacate? How do you mess that up? What is she, retarded? I think Matt Hardy should be sole interim GM, Vicky as co-GM is not working out. Cruiserweights next.
Jamie Noble vs Shannon Moore
Noble wants revenge for Moore costing him his match against Jimmy Yang. Noble starts off with punches and kicks but Moore hits a leg lariat off the ropes, followed by a reverse atomic drop and dropkick for two. Moore tries a crossbody from there but gets a knee instead. Noble proceeds to stomp him and locks in a boston crap even though Moore is already hanging on the bottom rope before he even applied it. Moore back with punches and neckbreaker thing followed by a clothesline and spinning wheel kick. He then gets legdrop on Noble's face which Cole calls "high-flying". I guess if you consider a two foot jump high... JBL agrees and tells him it was a standing leg drop and rightfully ridicules him. Noble slams Moore on his face and a big gutbuster for three. He signals that he wants the belt as we head to another Taker promo.
Announcers put over Punjabi Prison Match and how it's "Khali's Match" even though the only one they've had was Big Show vs Taker. What was it again, like a bamboo hell in a cell or something? Termites. MENACING.
In the back it's time for Khali's rebuttal against Batista earlier, which mainly consists of a lot of "brrgargle" and pointing at the camera. The translator explains that he said Batista should watch Rey vs Khali next week. Khali then blarghs some more, which his translator translates as Khali having "No fear, no remorse, no ability!" Or maybe it was mercy, I don't know I lost interest. Khali's promos are too long, that's the problem. Why doesn't Khali just tell his translator what he wants to say before the camera starts rolling, and the guy can just say it in English while Khali just stands there like a dope? It'd be done in half the time, and it would add a certain mystique to Khali. He'd be kinda like a really big Sabu, minus the ability and charisma. Right. Why is Khali on tv again? Oh yeah, the really big part.
And now finally, the moment you've all been waiting for, The Undertaker returns in the main event! Live, er, pretaped! Ton-, well, three nights ago! Sold out! Those sections are tarped off just because! Really! There aren't hundreds of empty seats behind there! Please don't look it up on Ticketmaster!
Undertaker vs Mark Henry, MAIN EVENT
Mark Henry is out looking damp as usual. Dong sounds and red lightning strikes two big suspended Taker symbols which burst into flame. Undertaker appears through the smoke and flames and the announcers remind us how much of Taker's game is mental and assure us Mark Henry must be terrified. Henry of course ruins this cool moment by shouting obscenities when the camera pans on him. Taker eventually makes his way into the ring and under the blacklight Henry is just covered in bright little neon specks as they stare each other down. Hey, what? There's five minutes left in the show? Son of a bitch, it's gonna be a squash. Not that I really wanted to see Henry in anything over five minutes, but still. Bell sounds and Taker immediately goes after Henry who hurries, well, moseys, to the outside, but his foot gets caught on the bottom rope so Taker has to make like he can't reach Henry for a few embarrassing seconds. After he gets free, Taker follows him out only to be clubbed and rolled back inside. He puts Taker in the corner and punches him, then slings him to the opposite turnbuckle and wadles right into a big boot. Taker now hits some punches and old school attempt which Henry counters by pulling him into bearhug position but rams him into the turnbuckle instead. He then clotheslines Taker who stumbles out and they begin to trade blows. Henry counters an Irish whip into a clothesline followed by an elbow drop for two. Frustrated, he tries for another elbow drop, because surely this will do him in. This somehow misses though and they trade shots to the head. Henry then misses a clothesline so Taker bounces off the ropes and hits his signature leaping clothesline. He then hits two more clotheslines on Henry in the corner, however a chokeslam attempt is countered by an elbow to the head but Henry misses yet another clothesline so Taker just chokeslams him for the three count. Show ends with blacklight on Taker in his kneeling pose. A lot of people look pissed.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).