SmackDown Rant Archive (September 2007)
September 07, 2007
September 15, 2007
September 21, 2007
September 28, 2007
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (09/07/07) The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles
out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
Oh yes, and there is a BIG announcement coming up at the end. So stay tuned. Or alternatively, just do what I know most of you have already done, and skip right to the fucking bottom. My betting is that at least a third of you never even got round to reading this whole goddamn sentence. Bastards.
Start off with US and Tag champ MVP, who is the only man in the WWE at the moment to hold two championships, by my calculation, and the only champ not to have had a proper match for a good two months. I would say that was because of his heart defect but hell, it’s probably just a normal day in the booking office.
Guest tonight is Matt Hardy… who is full-body-searched before he is allowed into the ring. It’s the little things that make a great angle. And it’s TNA that makes a shit Angle. MVP rolls footage of him stealing the tag win last week, so Hardy shows footage of him taking his belt from MVP backstage last week. Matt asks for a match at Unforgiven, but MVP slacks off again, saying that they will be having a tag match against Deuce and Domino for the titles. Jesus F Christ, MVP STILL needs to be carried? He had a murmur, not a fucking coronary.
Match 1:- Matt Vs Deuce.
Set up by MVP. Just to piss me off one would assume. Deuce knocks Hardy around for a good while before Hardy makes his comeback. They are doing a good job of making Hardy look like the underdog here, as if he was thrown straight in at the deep end. Unfortunately, Deuce’s arsenal is about as pretty as Joe Merricks cellulite (hey, I can bitch him out all I want now he’s fired) and it all looks sloppy. Kinda like Joe Merr… never mind; I know what overkill is. Domino gets involved but is ejected forcefully by Matt, but Deuce takes the advantage, and tries to hit the ‘Crack Em In The Mouth’. As he bounces against the ropes, MVP grabs his ankle, and Matt hit’s the twist of fate for the win. Great angle.
Yes, I know I’m rushing tonight. Screw you, my girlfriend is here, and unlike pretty much every reader I have (or had before this sentence), I get to have some fucking sex tonight, so bollocks to you.
Jamie Noble lays a trap for Hornswoggle by laying out a trail of… wait for it… lucky charms. That’s like leaving a trap for the French, with a trail of pussies leading up to it. Fucking juvenile crap.
Match 2:- Dykestra vs. Chuck Palumbo.
And to the surprise of… well… my gran, it seems that Chris Masters has been suspended! But to be honest, it surprises my Nan when she has a piss these days, so what the hell. Regardless, Kenny Dykestra is now Palumbo’s cannon fodder, and is knocked around the ring as such. At one point, Victoria straddles me… erm… the bike, I meant the bike… mostly because my girlfriend is sat two feet away from me… but Michelle pretty much kills her with a kick. Chuck hit’s the Full Throttle, which is actually more First Gear to be honest, and that’s all she wrote. I wish she bloody hadn’t.
Krystal, Vickie, Teddy backstage. There is talk of consummation, so I blank the whole segment out until Krystal gets a call from her ‘mother’. Teddy tells Vickie her mother is always calling. Oh dear, maybe her mother is helping her build The Wall. Or maybe her mother actually has a dong and isn’t her mother and is fucking her behind Teddys back and I really don’t give a flying monkeys chuff. Gah, what a pile of shite.
Batista and Kane vs. Finlay and Khali.
I’d love to tell you that I loved this match. So I will. But it will be a lie. This is all the same stuff these guys have been doing for god knows how long now, and even if I wasn’t in a rush, I wouldn’t bother recapping it. You wanna know what happens? Read my Summerslam Rant. Or last weeks SD rant. Or any Rant that I have penned within the last three months. Batista and Kane eventually throw Khali from the ring, Kane choke slams Finlay, and that’s it until next week when they will do it all the fuck over again.
Winners:- Teest and Kane.
Jamie Noble’s ‘Box Held Up By A Stick On A String’ trap sucks. Hornswoggle follows the charms, and is under the box, but the rope isn’t attached to the stick. D’OH! That’s the first thing Charlie Chaplin checked when he first did this sketch just after the second world war! Hornswoggle leaves his belt under the box, Noble grabs it, and Swoggle takes away the stick, trapping Noble. Who, for the record, could definitely lift that box, even from underneath it. I guess he’s just CHOOSING to look like a complete gimp. Hornswoggle then shouts ‘BEEP BEEP’ and runs away very fast. Okay, that didn’t happen, but if it had, I would forgive the whole thing for being ass.
Jesse and Festus are amazed that the box can talk, and has a name. Apparently it is called Jamie Noble. I think the box version has more credibility than the real version, because the real version would be laying on it’s back now.
Match 4:-Hornswoggle vs. Noble.
Noble doesn’t come out. He must still be trapped under that box, which must have weighed, ooh, at least a tonne. Eventually, Noble runs down but its too late. He then falls over some marbles. This is like home alone.
Finlay:- (On a plane, sitting as if trying to remember something. Then sits straight up, stares into camera…) HORNSWOGGLE!! Ah, fuck it. ANOTHER GUINNESS OVER HERE!
Flair:- (Naked) Wooooooo!
Noble is flat on his back after falling over some marbles. Noble has less credibility than Vito. Hell, he spends more time on his back than Vito’s ex wife. Erm… she died, by the way.
Mark Henry comes out to beat up a druid after another Undertaker video package, but the lights go out, and instead of hugging to druid to sleep, he ends up with merely a cloak. Somewhere, there is a guy wearing nothing.! I wonder who that druid was?
Flair:- (Naked) Wooo!
Main Event:- Rey vs. Chavo, I Quit Match.
Rey will put Chavo on the shelf. You heard it here first. Which… erm… is the whole point in a recap really, isn’t it?
Chavo holds up a chair and threatens to take out Rey’s leg again. Unfortunately, Rey is richer than Chavo, and can afford to buy top class steroids and effectively cover the paper trail. Plus, he has cateracts, and the Disabled get all the best things. FUCK YOUR PARKING SPACES.
Great match here with both men trying initially to decapitate each other with chairs. The chairs are continually used liberally to the point in which Sabu sues Rey for stealing his whole repertoire. Hey, if DDP can do it! I thought until I was fifteen that DDP was Beanie Sigel. A rap joke for you there. DIVERSITY FTW. Chavo eventually beats Rey’s knee with the chair, then puts it around Rey’s neck and runs him into the ring post. Almost every move has somehow included a chair so far. Rey sits Chavo on the chair and hit’s the seated senton through it. That is NOT a Lucha move! That is a flying fucking sit-down. Later, Chavo goes for the Frogsplash, but Rey catches him in the Tree Of Woe, and beats Chavo in the knee until Chavo screams ‘I Quit’. That’s a novel idea, you junkie bastard, GET OFF THE JUICE,
Out comes Khali, and squeezes Rey’s head until he bleeds from the mouth! Great visual. If it takes gimmicks like that to make Khali look good, I am all for it. Then Batista runs in to stick his fucking hooter in. He’s like one of those granddad’s that peer out of their window at children in the street, he’s old, nosey and the only things he does are shit. He hit’s a spear on Khali. Khali sells it horribly, again. Goddamn that man.
Backstage, Teddy tells Khali and Singh that he is adding Batista to the match at the PPV. Despite the fact that Batista lost his qualifier, and has had a million FAILED chances to regain ‘his’ title, he is once again in the main event. I might go sleep with AJ Simpson’s girlfriend.
Stored In The Swagbag:- The Main Event, Chair 101. Honourable mentions AGAIN to Hardy and MVP.
Condemned To The Dungeon:- Batista with a title shot again. Let’s hope this time, the shot is right between his eyes.
Sorry that was rushed, but my girlfriend needs my sweet loving. And yes, I do make her call me Anvil during sex, so don’t mail me.
Okay, now for the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. I am heading into my third year of Uni. I am in dire need of money, so I went and got myself a nice little job. Unfortunately, some of the shifts fall, you guessed it, on a Friday.
So, as of now, I am no longer the Writer of The SD report. At least, for as long as I have the new job.
As of next week, you can catch the awesomely talented chest of Catherine Perez here on the SD reports. But I’m still a Staff Member here, and you will still be able to catch my shit quite frequently on the home page. Plus, you still have plenty of Sean's, Joe’s, Stephens, Camerons, Gersh’s hard work etc. It’s all there, and its all fantastic. Except for Joe’s. ZING.
But for now, I am Anvil, and goddamit, you were bloody lucky to have me.
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (09/07/07)
The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).