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SmackDown Rant Archive (September 2006)

September 01, 2006
September 08, 2006
September 15, 2006
September 22, 2006
September 29, 2006


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (09/01/06)
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to a more professional SD recap. Why professional you say? Well, I recently got a new job (partly the reason I was absent last week) in a call centre of all places. As a matter of fact, that is where I am writing this very intro for this recap right now. God forbid I actually write the recap during my shift. “I’m sorry for putting you on resthold sir, but your order has been fulfilled.” Or even worse, “Thanks for calling! *click* What did I gain from this phone call? – That customer was a real [CENSORED]”
Anyways, on with the subpar show!
Rey is first out and tells us he hasn’t been himself lately. That can only be a good thing if ‘yourself’ is a masked midget with stoned-out eyes. He also leaves himself wide open for a midget joke by remarking ‘I’m at the lowest point of my career’.  I’ll see your midget joke, however, and raise you ‘Offensive Joke about a dead man’ by saying hey, he can’t be much lower than Eddie’s career!
He demands Chavickie explain this debauchery, betrayal and other long words, but only the Vickie part comes out. She is greeted by a huge ‘You Suck’ chant, which I can only assume, means she has a similar painkiller addiction to a certain Olympian who ‘sucks’ too.
Vickie says she wants to move on and claims that, whereas Eddie saw Rey as a brother, she only saw him as an insignificant part of her life. She then fails to explain, though, that ‘moving on’ would consist of, um, not being on TV at all. But then again women never make much sense anyway. Especially when I slap on a ballgag on them.
Anyways, she announces she is Chavo’s new business manager and slaps Rey before swanning off. I’m sure Eddie would be infuriated if, you know, he wasn’t as bored of this shit as we were.
Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms
See now, these two are complete polar opposites. Whereas Matt Won’t Die, Helms, being the metrosexual that he is, often claims he ‘Always Dyes’, hence the blonde highlights.
Anyways, good match up, some nice back and forth action starts it off, consisting of a headlock and shoulderblock by Matt and a countering armdrag from Helms. After dropping Hardy off the top rope by his neck, Helms hits a swinging neckbreaker for a two count. He continues to work on the neck/head area, which won’t do any good. If extensive listening to emo bands such as Fallout Boy won’t do any damage to Matt’s head, a neckbreaker won’t.
Anyways Matt comes back with a Side Effect and gets two. He also hits a bulldog but to no avail. Helms counters a Twist of Fate and comes up short after another neckbreaker. Soon Matt misses a moonsault press, but as Helms goes to take advantage, he is rolled up for three. Matt wins.
What did I gain from this match? – Seeing the emo Matt Hardy has reminded me of how important emotions are. As such, I have decided to present to you my new endeavour:

Yup. Creative Genius at its best.
Backstage Long is confronted with a bickering Kennedy and Finlay. Kennedy wants a title shot and Finlay wants to beat him up. Long obliges by setting up a match.
Miz vs. Tatanka
Holy shit, Miz is a WRESTLER? Next thing you know, Ryan Seacrest will be Intercontinental champ.
As for the match, very meh. Tatanka hit his chops, which are about the only capable thing he can do at this point, but Miz eventually wins by hitting a backslide pin on Tatanka for three.
What did I gain from this match? – Holy shit, Tatanka is a WRESTLER?
Something that rhymes with MISTUUUUUUH vs. Finlay vs. Omg Bobby Lashley :O
You read right my friends! My nigga Teddy Long came out before the match to announce the inclusion of my otha nigga just to make the match more interesting. Cos Lord knows black people can spice up anything. I mean, look at Ebony and Ivory. Ivory on its own is just lame, man.
Anyways, Kennedy tries to team up with Lashley but gets awarded with a belly to belly. Lashley is knocked to the floor by Finlay from behind, and the heels team up. It’s temporary though, as Kennedy throws Finlay out of the ring and then hits the Kenton Bomb on Lashley. The pin is broken up by Finlay who then proceeds to hit the Lion Tamer on Kennedy. This match is awesome so far.
Some more back and forth action ensues, until it spills to the outside. Finlay catches Kennedy in an attempted baseball slide, but gets knocked into the steps by Lashley. Soon enough Little Bastard is in (not Rey) interrupting Lashley’s attempt to suplex Kennedy. Back in the ring the heels team up once more but this time it’s ended by a Finlay clothesline, and whoop, they’re outside again.
Soon, spears are chucked all over the place, piercing Kennedy and Finlay. However, as Lashley goes for the big finish on Finlay, Kennedy interrupts the pin with a rollup! NEW US Champ!
What did I gain from this match? – I can’t say I’m pleased with Lashley being persecuted again but damn it it’s Kennedy it’s Mistuh freakin’ Kennedy! He can be an honorary Negro too if he likes. ‘MASS-UUUUUH….’
Sir William Regal vs. Lady Vito
Regal is understandably disgusted with Vito’s presence….You know, I just realised that that one sentence sums up this entire match. It’s just Regal going ‘ew’ at Vito who’s going ‘ah!’. Nothing really outstanding. Regal gets put in Vito’s trademark STF (Sexually Transmitted….Frock?) but would  rolls out of the ring, taking the count out rather than eating his junk. Can't say I blame him.
What did I gain from this match? – that is completely offensive. They are portraying the stereotype that Brits like to have their heads shoved up men’s underwear when it is only the case if the underwear wearer is female. Or at least, a REALLY feminine guy.
Cole interviews MVP, and insinuates that MVP is simply scared, and is hiding behind his agent. MVP dramatically proves him wrong by…walking out. Nigga please.
The Returning Pitbulls vs. London and Kendrick
Good to know Noble and Kash survived the wellness program (or in dog terms, Neutering) and back to put on some good matches.
Despite early dominating by London and Kendrick, the Pitbulls soon gain an advantage and work over London. Kendrick, however, gets the hot tag and wins with a rollup. Not exactly epic.
What did I gain from this match? – Watching Smackdown try to pretend it has a tag division is like- *gets mauled by Down’s syndrome kids*
Post match James and Stevens are out and they help the ‘bulls destroy the tag champs with a double brainbuster and double DDT.
Up next is yet ANOTHER Batista contract signing. Just taking a wild guess here, but I think maybe…maaaybe…that table is gonna break? ‘OMSHIT, UR A PSYCHIC!’ I hear you type..loudly.
Booker, for the record, is fucking awesome. He calls Teddy ‘Thaddeus’ which bust me up. Booker and Batista exchange words, with Batista claiming that if it weren’t for a small technicality, that belt is still his. Booker disagrees and goes to hit him but gets, you guessed it, spinebustered through the table, and end show.
AWWW JHYEEEAH – Definitely the triple threat. It played out a triple threat should, not the usual WWE style.
DAYUM – Miz’ debut. Boring boring BORING.
Thanks again to
Sean for taking over last week, and now it’s time for:
I ain’t making this up, folks. I used to work for
this company.
Turns out I was being persecuted before I even KNEW!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (09/08/06)
Welcome, one and all, to the only recap in town that stalks the streets at night carrying a bag of ‘I can’t believe it’s not Rohypnol’! Taste? Class? Surely you jest!
The show starts this week with a brand new opening (kind of like when you discover the joys of anal sex with your girlfriend) with the new guys plastered all over it. Nice touch. Lets get to the first match!
Finlay vs. Mysterio
In an exciting turn of events, Mysterio is forced to battle once again for the custody rights of his bastard offspring…no, not Dominic. I mean literally a bastard child. Little Bastard to be precise. I mean come on. Combine an Irishman with a midget? Do the math.
Anyway, Finlay dominates much of the encounter, because Rey’s tiny little heart is broken from the “betrayal” of a family whose credo is “Lie, Cheat and steal”. Heh. Let’s hope Rey never goes into detective work. With that said, Finlay ends up picking up the win after Rey gaffes on a springboard, leaving him easy prey for a pin.
Winner: Finlay.
What did I gain from this match? – Rey looked kinda distracted. Probably because he’s still reeling from the fact that there’s someone on SD smaller than him. Aha, I bet you’re thinking to yourselves ‘I’ve had it up to HERE with midgets’…
After the match, JBL interviews Rey and puts the bad mouth on him saying that the Guerrero family thinks he’s trash. Man. You’d think they’d applaud Rey, since Rey took back Dominic, it’s saved them A LOT of money on potential Xmas gifts. Go figure.
SISTUUUUUUH’S..are doin’ it, for themseeeeeelves! Vs. Jobber
Kennedy quickly gives [random jobber] the Chappaquiddick  treatment and finishes him with the Kenton bomb which has ten times the power of regular bombs. Clearly, Bush needs to utilize more Sentons. The war would be over by now.
What did I gain from this match? – After this match Kennedy claims that he wants a piece of Cena if he comes to Smackdown. Gee thanks Kennedy, encourage him to come over so I’ll have to take over from Cameron in recapping the guy’s suckiness. He also declares that he’s beaten every top superstar on SD. Just then, Teddy Long comes out and declares there’s one more left: The Undertaker. He then makes the match for No Mercy. Wow. Kennedy vs. an undertaker? I’d think that was old hat by now!
Kendrick & London & Ashley vs. KC James & Idol Stevens & Michelle McCool
Oh great, Ashley is “wrestling”. The way she’s always losing her balance, it’s too bad her plastic surgeon didn’t make her implants just a little bigger, because then when she got knocked over, she could just spring right back up into position like those punching bag clowns you had when you were a kid. That’s definitely how I’d have gone. Anyway, the match is very good when the ladies are out of there (apparently Michelle’s inherent ability to dodge balls (usually the opposite skill a woman needs to make it in wrestling) hasn’t translated into her wrestling yet. Strange.) and the end sees a nice finish next with Kendrick and London hitting a Dropsault/Sunset flip combo for the three, as the ladies “cat-fought”. I like it.
What did I gain from this match? – it’d be good to see the women where they should be. As valets. Nothing more. Ever. You heard me.
Regal is out next for his match, but first he comments on Vito (who happens to be out commentating), declaring he will never face Vito again and instead would face a proper gentleman. Out comes a black guy. Oh well. You win some you lose some.
William Regal vs. Bobby Lashley
Here we go. Blackpool native William Regal, versus a man who thinks Blackpool is the name of the new Rec Center in Harlem. Ah, I kid, Lashley. Lord love him.
Anyway, Lashley dominates Regal and ends up picking up the relatively quick win after Regal escaped a running Bulldog powerslam, only to fall prey to the chucking of the spear immediately after.
What did I gain from this match? – Can’t they team these two up already? I mean a black guy AND a British guy? Finally, a team I can really relate to! Except for that phase where the Bashams and Shaniqua were relatable to me…
Matt Hardy vs. Miz
Ah yes, yet another battle of emo vs. metrosexual. The clash of the ridiculous hairstyles and cheap jewellery SHALL COME TO A HEAD AND OH SWEET JESUS I’M BORED.
Dear Lord, they’re going to feed Hardy to the Miz. Somehow I think doing a job to a fucking reality TV reject wasn’t in that “5 part story” Hardy was bragging about last year. Next week on SD, Matt Hardy succumbs to the fat faggot from the 1st Survivor!
Anyway, Hardy has things well in hand, when Stop there’s a Hurricane Metrosexual coming through! As Gregory Helms interferes and pushes Hardy off the top, allowing Miz to look at his wrist, read the word “rollup” then apply said hold for the win.
Winner: The Miz and nobody else. Not a damn soul.
What did I gain from this match? – I’m actually really sceptical that Miz’ push will even get him anywhere. Look at all the other pushes as of late. The guys just either disappear or just lose all the freaking time. Although with WWE’s track record, Miz will probably be an exception seeing as “THE LADIES LOVE HIM!”
Chavickie is out next with Vickie going on about being Chavo’s business manager. I love how everyone’s acting as if being a business manager is so sordid all of a sudden. I also love how the crowd is acting as though Chavo and Vickie are “anti-Eddie” even though they’re only attacking Rey. Completely fucked up. Anyway, Chavo is here to prove he means business by beating on an old man:
Chavo w/ omfg business manager Vickie Guerrero vs. Tatanka
The story once again here is Dances with Jobbing’s problem with “bad officiating”. It almost happens again as Chavo has a handful of ropes as he cradled Tatanka, but the ref sees it this time and forces the break. Tatanka however argues with the referee regardless allowing Chavo to quickly finish him with a very meh frog splash for the clean win. If the Lakota nation wasn’t so busy bilking whitey out of his money right now in slots, I’m sure they’d rescind Tatanka’s membership to the tribe.
What did I gain from this match? – Oh sure, the frog splash was a tribute at first, but now 'cause Chavo doesn’t like Rey, its an insult? WHERE IS THE LOGIC PEOPLE?
MVP is backstage with Teddy Long. He wants “John Cena money” to finally wrestle for SmackDown. Wait. He wants more children to break open their piggy banks? What a cad.
King Booker vs. Batista
Booker has his “all hail King Booker’s” cut short as Batista’s theme hits. Batista then grabs the mic and asks if Booker wants to be buried or cremated. Man, what a bizarre person to choose as the executor of your will! Oh, he meant. Never mind.
Anyway, Booker is unable to put away Batista after several attempts, including a bookend, and soon Batista rallies and looks to have things well in hand, and the title bagged after hitting a series of clotheslines and a side slam when he spots William Regal. He takes him out in short order, then spots Sharmell trying to use a chair and grabs it from her. However, in all the confusion, here’s Finlay to the rescue! The Irishman hits Batista with the stick, allowing Booker to get the pin and retain the title.  If I’m not mistaken, this just might be the first (singles) pinfall loss Batista’s suffered since before Wrestlemania 21! (Seriously.).
What did I gain from this match? – I AM THE UNTAMABLE ALL POWERFUL ANIMAL WHO CANNOT BE DESTR- oh a stick? Shit.
Afterwards, Booker and Finlay work on destroying Batista, slamming him into more than one exposed turnbuckle and busting The Animal open.The Veterinarians in attendance then come out and say there’s nothing more they can do, and put him down. The Animal pretended he was only 36. And that’s your show.
AWWW JHYEEEAH – Eh. Nothing fantaculariffic. But the tag match was ok
DAYUM – The whole Chavickie thing. I think this will continue to be Smackdown’s version of Kelly Kelly.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (09/15/06)

Good evening, niggas, wiggas, and Can You Diggas, and welcome to this week’s special newly improved SD recap!

Newly improved you say? Indeed I do. You see it occurred to me that if I’m to truly exploit gain the very best out of my newly discovered Negro heritage, I needed to spice things up a bit. And then it hit me. The rage of today is Hip hop remixes, I determined. This usually involves a random black person running around with a microphone yelling nonsensical phrases and pointing at different directions. Without further ado, please welcome this week’s co-recapper (sort of) WYCLEF!


Indeed. Very sensitive of you, Wyclef, during 9/11 week and all.


Anyway, on with the show!

Finlay is out first with Little Bastard under a towel, and I’m really not gonna comment on that. He’s bragging about attacking Batista last week. Typical Irish behaviour, boasting after attacking someone. We never thought we’d hear the end of the IRA’s gloating after what they did to us. Anyway Lashley comes out-


…who then challenges Finlay…again. Eh, Lashley, come on. There’s a time where you really just gotta move on. I know Finlay hurt you in a special place but there’s no reason to KEEP FEUDING WITH HIM FOR FUCK SAKE. Just to drag it out even longer, Teddy comes out who claims Batista is taking time off due to injury. Oh yeah, the ‘indestructable’ animal indeed. His only weaknesses just happen to include heavyset black guys and STICKS.

Anyway, Long arranges a match between Lashley and Finlay to everyone’s SHEER AND UTTER SURPRISE for a number one contendership, meaning the winner faces King Booker at No Mercy. Either way, you know what this means, right?



Damn all this typing in caps hurts my fingers…

Lashley reacts by shoving Finlay into Little Bastard, who retaliated by attacking Finlay. The Irishman then PUNCHES THE MIDGET and then throws him out. Punches the midget eh? Mental note: Submit to urbandictionary.com as a euphemism for masturbation…

Backstage Finlay is discussing with Regal about tonight’s main event. Whereas Finlay suggests rigging up the ring with an explosive device, Regal suggests storming the arena in bright red coats and silly hats and declaring war on the opponents. Ok, I totally made it up but whatever. I mean really who needs a battle plan when your secret weapon is a STICK after all.

Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms

Nice match between the two, but I can’t help but feel that this feud is somewhat stale. No knock on these two of course, they do have some nice encounters. Also, surely Matt is a little overweight to be challenging the Cruiserweight champion?

Anyways, after a back and forth match, Matt goes for a twist of fate but Gregory counters with a swift boot to the genitals, and gets the pin. Classy.

What did I gain from this match? – No word yet as to the rumour of an angle involving Helms having a sordid affair with Ashley…Hey wait, that would mean Helms getting a world title shot. A cruiserweight! HA.

Backstage Rey is with some giant and…oh that’s his son. Holy…uh, yeah, Rey’s with Dominic, who surely should be due for a heel turn as well seeing as he’s Eddie’s son and all…they could bring Raven in to brainwash him! ‘Quoth the Chavo, nevermore…’ damn man, I fucking rule. Anyway, Rey Jr. and Rey Jr. Jr. run into Dean Malenko. And for the first time in his life, Dean looks like a hoss.


Jimmy Wang Yang vignette next. I gotta mention how utterly heartbroken Sean Carless is that he couldn’t adopt ‘Wang’ as his middle name before anyone else. I mean who wouldn’t, ya know? Jimmy comprains about how Asians don’t plonounce words plopely. I gotta agree. You don’t bladdy well hyar abaht us British nor pronahncin’ words propawleh. I’m orf to the jally old pab.

Jesus Christ I’m stupid at times.

Anyway, next match up

The Miz vs. Scotty 2 Hotty

Got to love the irony of Scotty finally finding someone (Miz) who’s actually more irritating than he is. Anyway, it wasn’t a terrible match by any means, but I’m pretty sure there’s better ways to use this time than to have Miz defeat some jobber with a neckbreaker. FEAR THE MIZ AND HIS LAME FINISHER. (Which for the record is called the "Mizard of Oz." Let’s hope for his sake that when he gets to the Emerald City, the great and powerful one is handing out talent along with hearts, brains and courage.).

What did Wyclef gain from this match? – HOO TO THE RAH Y’ALL

Brian Kendrick w/ Paul London vs. Kid Kash w/ Jamie Noble vs. Idol Stevens w/ KC James – Kellogg’s Special K match

Yeah I know that joke sucked…LIKE YOUR MOM.

Anyway, real smooth match up here, I liked it. Michelle McCool and Ashley are on the floor for the record representing their respective teams (James & Idol & Kendrick & London). The Pitbulls get no female representation however. Poor Pitbulls. Maybe Bob Barker got a hold of them and had them spayed and neutered? Might explain why no women want to have anything to do them…

Anyway, there was just so much perpetual action to this, I lost count (that’s my clever segue to get out of calling it J). Match is eventually won by Kendrick after a quick tornado DDT on Kash.

What did I gain from this match? – You know, seeing WWE try to insist it has a tag division is like watching a retarded kid jump into a trash can because he thinks it’s a space rocket but then the trash can gets picked up by the garbage men and is carried to the dump where the retarded kid is then incinerated and/or destroyed. Kinda.

There’s now a backstage skit with Finlay, Regal and Booker discussing the main event. How much fucking discussion does it need? Anyway, Booker chimes in with his suggestion to simply kick Lashley in the gut and see if he stays bent over long enough to get kicked in the head. Alternatively, steal his wallet. Again, kinda made that up.

Rey is now seen sitting Dominic in front of a monitor backstage so he can watch Rey’s match against Mr Kennedy. It’s worth noting that Chavickie appears behind Dominic at some point, kind of making the creepiest imagery in wrestling this side of Hillbilly Jim.

As for the match…

Rey Mysterio vs. MISTUUUUUUUH… - US title match

Kind of a looong match up. A disappointment really, considering how impressive Kennedy struck me as when he debuted. But hey, what can you do?

Anyway, this one went a while, and things started to look good for Rey Rey after Kennedy missed the Kenton bomb, and Rey was able to follow up with a seated Senton to set up a possible springboard finisher (West coast pop?). However, "Chavickie" both appear with Dominic which distracts Rey long enough for him to be rolled up by Kennedy with a handful of tiny pants for the win.

What did I gain from this match? – Kennedy once again gives his opinion on this storyline: "It SICK-ENS-MEEEEY because it’s about a DEAD-EDD-AAAAY". Aaah he so funny.

Wyclef: YEAH. YEAH.

-Paid commercial for MVP. He wants to come to SD but Teddy needs to cough up the bucks. Hey, I wonder how much it’d cost to just get rid of this guy altogether? That’s a cause I could really get behind.

William Regal vs. Vito

There really isn’t much new to recap here seeing as Vito’s matches are so formulaic. The finish comes when Vito blocks a sunset flip by sitting on Regal’s face for the pin. Yeah, this has ceased to be funny.

What did I gain from this match? – LOL MEN IN DRAG LOL

A backstage skit airs which I can sum up with these words alone and it will still portray the sheer suck of it: Long announces a match between Booker and Vito.

Completely understandable. Booker is a king whilst Vito is a queen right? Right? SOMEBODY LAUGH.

Sylvester Turkay vs. Jobber

More Turkay leftovers? GREAT. Turkay takes it to "jobber" and finishes with a modified chickenwing. Bah. If only he’d work the leg and finish with an according leglock. The Turkay leg (drummy?) just seems so natural.

What did I gain from this match? – I don’t see how squashing jobbers is gonna get a brute like this over when these are guys that they’d have Rey Mysterio beat anyway. Makes no sense.

Bobby Lashley vs. Finlay – Number One Contendership Match

We again have Booker come out to do special commentary and it’s kinda less than special when they have people do it every friggin’ week. I can’t say I blame the higher ups for not having complete and total faith in JBL and Cole as a broadcast team but still…

Anyway, these two always tend to put on decent matches, but putting them together so often has just gotten tedious. It’s kind of like making love to the same woman for the rest of your life, instead of being promiscuous and trying new things. Ok, it’s not like that at all. But oh how I’d kill for a different piece of ass. If only.

Back and forth match, but things eventually look really good for Lashley after he gets a military press on Finlay. ( MILITARY press? No wonder the Gulf War is taking so long to end! All the soldiers are press slamming people instead of shooting them!). Lashley, then drops Finlay on his knee, but Regal trips up Lashley from behind, and here comes Little Bastard with the shillelagh. He gives it to Finlay who then blasts Lashley in the leg and there’s the bell. Huh. So basically, Lashley is the Number one Contender via DQ? That’s not exactly glorious but what the hey.

What did I gain from this match? – Hey speaking of the Irish, ever notice how when Lashley gorilla presses a white opponent he looks like a pint of Guinness?

Post match Batista is out and brawls with Finlay, as Booker and Regal take on Lashley, who chucks the spear to Booker to end the show.

AWWW JHYEEEAH – Quite enjoyable, if it weren’t for some of the more boring matches featuring Turkay and Miz

DAYUM – Vito in the main event scene? WHAT?

Overall, not a bad show. It seems to be slightly improving, so thumbs up. What do you say, Wyclef?

Wyclef: I thought it kinda sucked, to be honest



Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (09/22/06)

So, like, what do ya call a Jewish Baker?




And now for something even more tasteless!


Welcome to this week’s Smackdown recap, boyos. Or should I say, booooyakas! What do you mean, ‘neither’? Do you not know humour when you read it? Or when it pulls your pants down at your 6th birthday party in front of all your friends and proceeds to insert a balloon animal into your rectum? Stupid clowns…


Anyways, enough unpleasantries (and about myself) lets go to the action!


King Booker is with Teddy in his office and Sharmell is there too but I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Anyway, Booker declares he doesn’t want to face Vito tonight for personal reasons; that being ‘Do I look like I like hanging around shemales?’ before Sharmell slaps him upside the head. Ok, that didn’t happen but you cannot deny that I am awesome.


Teddy then informs us that Vito voluntarily stepped aside and bowed out of the match. My guess being that somebody told him that Booker’s Scissors Kick wouldn’t actually perform the ‘operation’ that Vito so apparently desires. The replacement, however, is Undertaker. Booker isn’t exactly pleased, but then again therein lies the age old dilemma: Would you rather do it with a dude in a dress, or a dead person?….What do you mean no one asks that?


Batista and Lashley vs. Finlay and Sir William Regal


If you combined all the Divas into one enormous entity, you STILL wouldn’t result with bigger tits than Lashley has. Dat shit aint right, nigga.


Anyways, very by the books kinda match. Lashley is your genetically enhanced superman with the face of a diminutive black child in peril for much of this match, until he makes the hot tag to Batista who cleans house. Eventually Finlay and Big Dave spilled to the floor, and with Lashley apparently once again the legal man, Regal is distracted long enough by Finlay and Batista and walks right into Lashley who manages to chuck the spear at Regal for the win.


Winners: Lashley & Batista. Sometimes they have first names. Sometimes they don’t.


What did I gain from this match? – Clearly, nothing.


Layla is out no-…who the fuck is Layla? Ooh yeah, that Diva Search winner. Memorable indeed! She’s out telling us WHAT WE ALL WANT TO KNOW!!! ‘I’m gonna dance!’ THAT IS…wait, what? What’s the point of this? Kristal is out now, so huzzah, some direction.  She says she’s sick of seeing all these “diva search contestants” do whatever they want. Hey, wasn’t she once in the Diva search? That’s like the pot calling the kettle an extremely hot black chick. Wait. That’s not how it goes. Lost my train of thought there for a minute. Anyway, from there, she then starts a brawl with Layla for no apparent reason. Aaah gotta love black women. OOH NO I DI’INT.


A video package between Rey & Chavo is shown. If God wasn’t so pissed at Vince for stiffing him on his Backlash payoff, I think he’d pull a Lazarus and resurrect Eddie, just to tell this company to knock this fucking shit off already. He’d then win the World Title; because let’s face it, Zombie Eddie is still better than ¾’s of the locker room.


Matt Hardy vs. Helms – This time, it’s Tedious.


What is this, the 4th time these two guys have wrestled? They should have just spliced all those together and given these poor bastards the night off. Anyway, Hardy dominates early, but Helms gets the advantage after Hardy gets hung up in the ropes. JBL on commentary calls Helms “Smackdown’s best kept secret”. Funny, I thought that that was finding out when this fucking show is actually on. Come on WWE! Get your head in the game. Anyway, the finish sees Helms unfasten the turnbuckle pad, but the ref sees it, and while he’s tending to it, Hardy lands a swift kick to the hurriballs, and then rolls him up for 3.


Winner: Matt Hardy. He can slap a tornado. And kick the shit

Out of a Hurricane. He’s got all your tropical anomalies covered.


What did I gain from this match? – So, this feud has basically been reduced to a game of ‘Who Can Kick the Other in the Groin the Hardest’. A childhood favourite.


Miz cuts a promo backstage, and not his wrists (that have full match instructions on them no doubt) as I had hoped. He’s next. Hoo-ra.


Jimmy Wang Yang is now doing a promo in front of some Montreal Canadians or something or other. I’m still trying to get my head around the idea of an Asian cowboy. Is his entrance gonna be just him rodeo riding Godzilla on a saddle to the ring?


The Miz vs. Funaki


Aw man, can they just give Funaki a win for fucking once? I mean really, God damn, it’s not like this is gonna make us take Miz any more seriously.


Ugh. Anyway, it’s a real short match, not really worth recapping. Miz winz with a diving neckbreaker…z.


Winner: Mizzz


What did I gain from thiz match? – lolz.


Rey is backstage and cuts the most God damn hilarious promo ever when he declares that Chavickie ‘raped my soul’. Pfft, like Rey ever had ‘soul’! If he did his penis would probably be bigger than he is. “619”….inches!” He then tells us this is the first night of the rest of his life. So THAT’S why he hasn’t grown over 4 feet. Guy’s still in adolescence.


The Marine vignette airs. Holy shit. John Cena has a movie out!? When did this happen? [/sarcasm]



Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio w/ Raped Soul


To be honest I’m not even sure if this is an official match. I mean, they come out, brawl on the outside, in the crowd, and then referees come and break it up. Seriously. That’s all that happened. I...don’t even know who won.


What did I gain from this match? – Heh, I totally just got a mental image of Rey Mysterio’s soul (Just a ghost in a mask) sitting in a shower with the water running on it. I demand a photoshop!


London and Kendrick vs. The Pitbulls vs. KC James and Idol Stevens – WWE Tag Team Championship


Good little match here, that normally I’d go over move by move, but… I don’t want to? Sure. I’ll go with that. Anyway, after a series of close falls, the match degenerates into a wild brawl with all six man going at it, but somewhere in the fracas, there’s a quick roll-up on Noble by London, and Kendrick and London are still the tag champs.


Winners and still champions: London & Kendrick.


What did I gain from this match? – Ok I could see the sense in the old ECW Pitbulls, being big nasty guys, but when was the last time you saw a pitbull terrier do a diving legdrop? Not counting that time you tried acid.


Elijah Burke is backstage with Turkay cutting a leg and some breast off of his tag team partner a promo. Basic stuff.


Sylvan vs. Tatanka


Sylvan gets a MONSTER hometown pop. He gets even more heat when he cuts a promo en Francais. Fucking Sylvan. It wouldn’t surprise me if Sylvan was secretly behind the brand extension. After all, we know how these Quebecers love to separate from things (like soap and water for example).


Anyway, Lame, lame match, with Sylvan winning with a rope-assisted pin. But the heat was there. It was kind of like Hogan vs. Rock at WM 18, only with two people no one gives a sweet fuck about.


What did I gain from this match? - I’m not exactly familiar with the mentality of most Canadians, but I gotta say, between STILL chanting ‘You screwed Bret’ and now actually POPPING FOR SYLVAN, I’m guessing Montreal is like the kid that Mother Canada birthed after trying heroin.


Backstage, John Cena is here! (and we’ll pretend he wasn’t here anyway because RAW & SD taped the same night.). John Cena thanks Teddy Long for the chance to have been on Smackdown. Weird. That’d be like thanking someone for shooting Ebola directly into your face. Anyway, Teddy Long then convinces Cena to actually comeback next week and team with Lashley and Batista against Booker, Regal & Finlay. Cena agrees. And Teddy Long amuses whitey with a little soft shoe.


King Booker vs. Undertaker


Here we go, we got MISTUUUUUUH Kennedy on commentary. I love this man. As for the match, I liked it. Undertaker always manages to bring the goods in the big matches.


Anyway, back and forth match, which if you’ve ever seen an Undertaker match you’ll know means that heel hits offense, Taker absorbs then either no-sells or heals faster than fucking Wolverine. And as long as we’re on Undertaker match clichés here, Booker actually tries to TOMBSTONE Undertaker. Nooooooooooooo! What’s next, he catches Shelton’s foot? Ducks when HHH is running towards him? THIS NEVER WORKS. Luckily for King Booker though, he slips out and over Taker’s shoulder when Taker inevitably reverses it, but follows up by hitting Taker with a low blow then the belt and earns himself a DQ. Nice original booking, WWE.


Winner by DQ: The Deadman (not Eddie Guerrero. Hey, if WWE can exploit, then so can I!).


What did I gain from this match? – Am I the only one who wants to see a feud between King Booker and the Queen of England? “ELIZABETH?! WE COMIN’ FOR YOU NIGGUH.’ Be even better if a returning Macho Man misconstrued that statement…


Anyways, Booker tries to escape but Lashley blocks his path. Damn man, you don’t PREVENT a brutha from his getaway. Book is forced back in and eats the conventional chokeslam and tombstone by Undertaker. Taker then stares down Mr. Kennedy to end the show.


AWWW JHYEEEAH – Eh. Nothing much. I liked Kennedy on commentary.


DAYUM – Sylvan getting pops?! WTF.


That’s all from me, friends, I will see you in a week, with a SPECIAL guest. That’s right. Yo momma. No really. It’s her. Seriously. She’s an inspired writer, you know. If you spent some more time with her you’d know that. All she wants is a call every now and then. I have got to stop sniffing glue whilst typing.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (09/29/06)

Hey, you know those air fresheners you get, that you just like, stand somewhere in the room, and they let off a supposedly nice smell? Well they’ve got those new ones haven’t they, the ones that spray a nice…um, spray of the smell at regular intervals? I think they should totally adapt one of those for use on your armpit. You could do all the armpit farts that ya want, and nobody would mind because they would be all lavenderish and stuff. Yeah.


The above was still more thought gone into an idea than the average WWE Creative Brainstorming Session.


Anyway! Welcome to this week’s recap, let’s get on the shiznit as it were.


They recap the whole Booker appearing on RAW to show Cena what an actual black man looks like last week and Cena’s music hits. Oh great. I’m recapping Cena. I’M GONNA PUT MY HANDS IN THE AIR COS I JUST DON’T CARE. Y’ALL.


Cena says he has backup tonight, namely Lashley and Batista. I can imagine how that went:


Cena: Yo my posse, you gonna be backing me up tonight, dawg


Batista: How about no, ass.


Cena: Lashley, what about you, my nigga from another...motha


Lashley: I-




Batista: …Sure man we’d love to help you out!




After the footage of the three on one Cena beatdown on RAW by Booker, Regal & Finlay, (I imagine this is what hell is like. Satan just pops this segment into the accursed VCR and it just loops for eternity. Poor bastards.) Cena comes out, and Tony Chimmel practically orgasms announcing his name. He then goes backstage and changes his pants. Cena basically says that nothing's changed since he was last here. And the scary thing is he's right. He then rags on JBL and Cole, before turning his attention to the King's Court. Plus, he plugs The Marine! Man, I'd like to plug the Marine. With  bullets. Well, maybe that's just me.


-Rey Mysterio is said to face Sylvester Turkay next. Hopefully Hector "Gobbeldy Gooker" Guerrero gets involved in this Chavo feud, so we can at least say that Rey's had to deal with two turkeys in one week. Or maybe I just wanted to make this lame joke.



Elijah Burke w/ Sylvester Turkay vs. Rey Mysterio


Turns out it's Burke who's wrestling and not Turkay. He's still pink on the inside and needs to go back into the oven, I guess. [/got nothing]. A well-wrestled match, I thought. Rey manages to pick up a win after the 619 and hurricanrana-which-isn’t-even-effective-when-anyone-else-does-it-so-why-



What did I gain from this match? – My-dash-key-is-funky


Post match Turkay takes out Mysterio and…appears to have a large unorthodox gun. Holy shit, he just sucked out Rey’s soul, Ghostbuster style! Now he’s…aw man, that ain’t meant to go in there…


Ok, I made that up. What gave me away.


Ashley Massaro is here. She puts over London & Kendrick, who get a MUSIC VIDEO. She then breaks her legs for no reason, and is out for 6 months.


Pitbulls vs. KC James and Idol Stevens


Considering the news just came out that Kash has been fired, a part of me thinks the Pitbulls aren’t gonna come out on top in this one. A pity too, seeing as we were looking at the very first test subjects in Vince’s ‘Crosserweight Style’ experiment. Basically, he takes cruiserweights, and makes them wrestle as if they were Batista’s fat mother! IT’S GENIUS I TELL THEE.


Anyway, predictably, Stevens and James get the win after Michelle McCool interferes, and James reverses a roll up on Kash. They now get to face London and Kendrick at No Mercy.


What did I gain from this match? – I guess you could say that WWE has Kash to burn! Cos…cos they fired him. You see? 'Fire'? See I made a trick on words as if to say that him being 'fired'...is like..fire as in a flame. Right? You see now? Yeah. I made that one up myself you know.


Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie vs. Matt Hardy


Hardy has indeed met his match here. He may NOT DIE, but Chavo has proved that there are worse fates than death. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MATT’S SOUL, DON’T ACCEPT THE DRINK HE OFFERS YOU.


Anyways, not a bad match I guess. Helms  comes down and distracts Hardy, which allows Vickie to hit a low blow and Chavo gets the win with the Frogsplash. I personally think Chavo just hates Matt because Eddie didn't get Matt's gimmick. He'd still be alive today if it wasn't for V1 hogging all that immortality for himself! Or not.


What did I gain from this match? – On the plus side, if Matt can’t die, at least Vince won’t be able to tarnish his memory with bad booking…although he kinda does that in real life already, huh.


Kennedy is in the ring now doing a promo about Undertaker. Read between the lines, folks. This clearly means Kennedy’s on his way to the graveyard if ya catch my drift…




He goes on about how he respects Taker and how Taker’s legacy is unmatched. Taker then comes out to basically scare the shit out of Kennedy for no particular reason. HE’S THE BIG DAWG Y’ALL. Oh wait, he’s a zombie now. Or is he a biker? Although, I suppose some bikers are dead inside anyway. Hence the reason they get so many tattooes. Because they are their only friends. Except Big Willy. But he’s Kinda stupid. Where was I? Oh yeah. Kennedy tries to attack Undertaker with the oft-LETHAL Microphone, but it explodes in Kennedy's hands? MAN. WWE just isn't having a great week with electricity are they? PAY YOUR BILLS VINCE! Taker then poses in the ring as Kennedy is sent off QUIV-ER-IIIING.


The Miz vs. Tatanka


Oh deary me. If there was a device that could measure how over a guy was, these guys would be in the negatives.


It really truly isn’t worth recapping, I’m just gonna give the obligatory ‘who and how’ of the win. Miz by cheating. He hooks the tights. Yeah. Controversial huh. After the match, Tatanka is pissed. Cole & JBL put him over as a sore loser. HEY! DON't JUDGE TATANKA UNTIL YOU'VE WALKED A MILE IN HIS SHOES, ERR, MOCCASSINS?


What did I gain from this match? – I seriously can’t get over how people can have the balls to criticise Bret Hart for wrestling the same match all the time when there’s assholes like Miz running around.


-Backstage we have Jimmy Wang Yang. He's a redneck. It just looks yellow on TV, that's all.... 

Sylvan vs. Jimmy Wang Yang


This match pissed me off. The crowd is fully behind Jimmy, he pulls off some awesome moves in the match, and yet they job him out to a fucking piss stain like Sylvan! He gets a win out of nowhere with a ROLL UP (How many fucking roll up finishes have there been tonight?) which completely confuses the fuck out of everyone, especially me. Although, this isn't the first time Sylvan's had  to survive the devastating effects of a Wang. It's just usually attached to Pat Patterson when it happens. 


What did I gain from this match? – Seriously, come on. Japanese are totally better than the French anyway. Godzilla > Asterix.


-Backstage Vito cuts a promo. Just because he wears a dress doesn't mean he's not a REAL MAN! Umm, yes it does. This has been the line WWE's tried to beat into us for WEEKS. That'd be like saying, just because I've fucked a few guys in the ass doesn't mean I'm gay...


-Raw REBOUND! It just got out of a committed relationship, and is now it's looking to have a little fun. Oh, and Edge and Cena are wrestling in a cage or something.


-After the break, Cole excitedly puts over that MVP has signed his Smackdown contract! His agent has finally procured him a deal! But if he was really a credible agent, he'd have made sure he didn't end up on this fucking show. Just saying. This agent is probably the same guy who convinced the Stones that hiring the Hell's Angels to be security at a concert would be a good idea.


-Run down of the No Mercy ppv thus far. Heh. Run down. Someone should "run down" whoever booked this show. With a truck.


John Cena (Wigga), Lashley (Nigga), and Batista (Due to wellness program is now less…bigga?) vs. King Booker, Finlay and Regal


Crowd is REALLY behind this one. Of course, when you've sat through two hours of Miz and Sylvan, all of a sudden Cena starts looking A LOT more appealing. It's kind of like how you'll end up eating your own shit and drinking your own piss if you were starving enough. Yes, that's right. loving Cena is tantamount to eating your own human waste. Or something.


Anyway, The King's court is in control through much of this, so the place pops huge when Cena finally gets a hot tag to Lashley who spears the shit out of Booker for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – Typical whitey. Had to get a black man to do his bidding. CENA SUPPORTS SLAVERY.


Post match Cena is posing, but gets jumped by Edge! Huzzah! Give me that guy, I don’t wanna recap anymore Cena matches. Edge escapes through the crowd, and there ya go.


AWW JYEEEAH – Overall, this was a very well wrestled event. Most of the guys really put their asses into it this week.


DAYUM – Jimmy losing on his DEBUT MATCH despite proving to be more over than Sylvan has ever been in the what, 3 years he’s been employed?

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).