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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(12/25/09)
BY SHANE STEELE
 
Merry Christmas! It is I, Shane Steele, giving you the wonderful present of this Christmas edition of the Lowdown on Smackdown. And before you ask, I did not save the receit, so no, you cannot return it. Good luck regifting it too. This episode of Smackdown features a pair of title matches, as DX defends the Unified Tag Team titles against The Hart Dynasty and Rey Mysterio challenges The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight championship.
 
Suddenly, I feel the urge to vomit as Vickie Guerrero appears on my TV screen. She's here to wish everyone a merry Christmas while Teddy brings eggnog from the kitchen in the background. Shouldn't the woman be bringing the man food? Female readers (if you exist), I jest. Vickie tries to make boiled potatoes while Teddy references his heart attack from his wedding with Krystal. Score one for continuity, T-Lo. While I begin praying for the segment to end, Vickie and Teddy argue about the proper preparation of turkey and how stuffing should look and who's going to get the cranberry sauce and WHAT THE FUCK IS HORNSWOGGLE DOING HERE?! GET OFF MY TELEVISION SCREEN NOW, YOU HELL SPAWN!!!
 
R-Truth, John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and Finlay vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Drew McIntyre, and Dolph Ziggler
 
Finlay and Ziggler start things off, with Finlay hitting a shoulder block, a scoop slam, and a butt drop for 2. Finlay tags in R-Truth, who rolls up Ziggler for 2. Ziggler gets on the offensive with a fireman's carry, then tags to Punk, who quickly gets armdragged by Truth. Tag to Harry, who fires off an insane amount of punches before hitting the corner clothesline/bulldog combo for 2. Punk blocks a top rope move and covers about a dozen times as we go to COMMERCIALS!!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully, my battery usually dies while I'm driving.
 
We return from the break to find Gallows working a bearhug on Hardy as CM Punk yells at some fan. He probably told Punk to shave his chest. Tag to McIntyre, who hits a clothesline for 2, then tags to Ziggler. A dropkick (which Hardy hilariously sold after a long pause), gets 2. A neck snap also gets 2. Ziggler works a body scissors and Hardy tries to battle out, but fails. Tag to McIntyre, who gets in some punches, only to see Hardy break free. Tags to both Morrison and Punk, with only Morrison entering with the dreaded HOUSE OF FI-YAH (not, um, Mercury's? Yeah, that'll work). Punk tags to Morrison, but he takes a bunch of punches too, so he just tags in Ziggler, who also gets his ass handed to him. All hell, proceeds to break loose, until we're left with Ziggler flat on his back and Morrison hitting the Starship Pain for the win.
 
WINNERS: Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth, and Morrison.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: A Sesame Street Muppet just said "killing". That's awkward.
 
Chris Jericho heads to the ring sporting his usual "Nope, didn't feel like wrestling tonight" suit. Jericho starts things off by saying the DX Christmas bit will suck (he's right) and tries to earn our sympathy by saying he misses Big Show and all the fans are just haters. Well, something along the lines of that, only more eloquent. Jericho calls out The Hart Dynasty by saying they never did anything to deserve a title shot. Speak of the devil, The Hart Dynasty struts down to the ring. Jericho says he respects Smith and Kidd for their heritage, but still thinks they're a pair of undeserving punks. Smith counters by saying that when they have problems, they take them head on(apply directly to the forehead) instead of complaining. Kidd tries to stick in the phrase on the back of their shirts (anyone wanna get me one of those shirts for Christmas? They're actually pretty sweet), but such shilling brings out DX! Shit. I should've seen it coming. After all, it's not like we can let the young tag team have a moment to promote their merch or something. DX says they have presents for everyone and decide to reveal Jericho's first. It's a horrible Photoshop of Tickle-Me-Elmo with Big Show's head and tights that farts when you press its stomach. Kill me now. For The Hart Dynasty, DX was kind enough to get them one-way tickets to Canada. And a Photoshop of a bunch of Canadian stereotypes appears. Isn't it great how we can insult Canada and relax, knowing they won't get too pissed. Jericho encourages the Harts to make an impact tonight, then turns to DX and warns them that he will take the tag titles back. He turns around and the Harts nail him with a Hart Attack. The more I think about this, the less it makes sense, but considering the Harts are awesome, I'll let it slide.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You could see a sci-fi movie with aliens like Avatar or you could see a well-written, well-directed, well-acted piece of awesomeness with aliens like District 9. Yes, I shill for District 9. I have a friend from South Africa.
 
Layla and Michelle are backstage hurling insults at Mickie again. They got her some sort of card with a gift certificate. I wasn't really paying attention, so I'll just go out on a limb and assume it was for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or some bullshit like that.
 
We then cut to Matt Striker, his awesome sweater vest, and Tard Grisham, as they recap the events at TLC, as well as last week's #1 Contender's match between Rey and Batista. I still giggle at "Chair Match". "These vile weapons that someone uses on another guy basically every week are suddenly LETHAL! Go out there and kill each other!"
 
Josh Matthews pops into Rey Mysterio's locker room to get a few words. Rey says he plans to become champ tonight and wishes everyone a Merry Christmas. That match is...next? Damn. 3 guesses as to who's winning tonight!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Wonder if I have any spare gold lying around.
 
World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio
 
Undertaker clotheslines Mysterio, then throws him out of the ring. Outside, Rey manages to evade an apron legdrop, send Undertaker into the ring post, and nail a suicide dive as we go to COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Girl, your acne is not that bad.
 
We return to find 'Taker beating on Mysterio with his "soup bones". Remember those? I do! Rey rebounds by sending Undertaker to the outside and hitting a baseball slide. 'Taker blocks a seated senton attempt and throws Rey into the barricade. Undertaker sends Rey back into the ring and works on Rey's arm for a while. 'Taker tries to go for the Last Ride, but Rey escapes and hits a springboard shoulder block and a springboard legdrop for 2. Rey blocks a chokeslam attempt, but 'Taker manages to hit a big boot and connect with a chokeslam. For no reason other than being an asshole, Batista appears to attack Undertaker.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: The Undertaker. Strangely enough, wwe.com lists this as a "No Contest", despite Batista never touching Rey once.  Batista and 'Taker go back and forth, with ol' UT getting the duke. Rey attacks him from behind with a springboard dropkick and follows it up with a 619. 'Taker blocks the seated senton attempt by grabbing Rey's throat, but Batista spears Undertaker. Rey then hits a 619 on Batista and takes off. Why does this match now feel epically pointless?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Was The Book of Eli shot in black and white?
 
Tribute to the Troops recap. Because I was picking up a friend at the airport, I missed it. R-Truth dressed up as Santa Claus, brought out the whores, um, Divas with minimal in-ring skill, and delivered a horrible rendition of "Jingle Bells". If you can find it on YouTube, please see it. He sounds like he's yelling the song.
 
Some dude who I thought was Slam Master J, but turned out not to be is in the back dressed as Santa. Cryme Tyme stops by to hear Fake Santa bitch about how much it sucks to have fat kids sit on your lap and carry heavy presents. Shad responds by booting the poor bastard in the face and taking his sack of presents. They hand them out to children as they make their way to the ring for....
 
Cryme Tyme vs. Bryce Andrews and PAT BUCK!!!
 
Sorry Pat Buck. Not even the blandness of your name can save you from this one.
 
WINNERS: Cryme Tyme.
 
Vickie and Teddy are back in the kitchen bitchin' (see what I did there?) to each other when they realize the camera is here and take a chill pill. Vickie and Teddy argue about desert, with Teddy wanting to offer up some banna cream pie (because it's so festive) and Vickie wanting to serve "traditional Mexican" apple pie (because apple trees grow in Mexico). DAMN YOU HORNSWOGGLE! DAMN YOUR PIE THROWING ANTICS!! GO TO HELL, I TELL YOU! HELL!!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: In all seriousness, it would kick ass to be a vampire.
 
Michelle McBitch has decided to join the commentary team for....
 
Mickie James and Maria W/ Totally Undeserved Slammy vs. Beth Phoenix and Layla
 
Gotta love how Layla made herself somewhat attractive simply by straightening her hair. Truly, she serves as an inspiration to women everywhere. Maria and Layla start the match off, with Maria pushing Layla on her ass. A hiptoss ensues, as do several dropkicks. Layla puts and end to Maria's offense with a quasi-Trouble in Paradise. Tag to Beth, who utterly obliterates Maria until tagging back to Layla. Some sort of hold follows a dropkick, but Maria escapes and tags to Mickie.  Mickie completely destroys Layla, knocks Beth off the apron, and delivers a Mick Kick for the win.
 
WINNERS: Mickie and Maria. Mickie tries to get to Michelle around the announce table, but gets taken out from behind by Beth, who also clotheslines Maria for being a worthless whore. A Beth-Michelle staredown ensues.
 
Another trailer for The Marine 2. Props to whoever put the whiff kick GIF in my last recap. I owe ya one!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Golden plane=win.
 
Next week, Morrison will try to reclaim the Intercontinental title from Drew McIntyre. But enough to that impending awesomeness! Let's get ready for...
 
Unified Tag Team Champions DX vs. The Hart Dynasty (After COMMERCIALS!)
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That's one pissed off house cat.
 
HELL NO! I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH A RECAP OF LITTLE PEOPLE'S COURT! I WILL WAIT UNTIL THAT SHIT IS OVER!
 
....
 
Thank you. Now, proceed with the match.
 
Tyson Kidd and Shawn Michaels start things off with a nice exchange of armdrags and dropkicks. Trips puts and end to this display of skill with a shot to the back of Kidd's head. Tag to Triple H, who hits a delayed vertical suplex on Kidd that is supposed to mock Davey Boy Smith. Ladies and gentlmen, our good guy. Kidd blocks a corner charge with a dropkick and tags in David Hart Smith as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I was not paying attention. Sorry!
 
We return from the break to find the Harts beating on Triple H. Tag to Kidd, who gets clobbered with a clothesline. HBK tags in and hits a clothesline and a scoop slam. Michaels goes up top, but Natalya pulls Kidd out of the way of the elbow drop. A nice springboard neckbreaker from Kidd gets 2. Tag to Smith, who starts to work over HBK's back. Natalya also slaps HBK for good measure. Tag to Kidd, who covers for 2 following a drop toehold/dropkick combo from both Smith and Kidd. A spinning heel kick also gets 2. Tag to Smith, who hits a delayed vertical suplex of his own for 2. Smith works a headlock, but Michaels escapes, only to get Saito suplexed for 2. Tag to Kidd, who hits a legdrop for 2. HBK and Kidd run into each other bouncing off the ropes and Michaels also blocks a springboard move with an atomic drop. Tags to both Triple H and Smith, but since it's Triple H, Smith ends up on the recieving end of a HOUSE OF FI-YAH beatdown. Spinebusters for both Harts. Triple H looks to hit the Pedigree, but Smith powers out and the Harts connect with the Hart Attack! PLEASE, DEAR GOD, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Alas, HBK breaks it up at 2, takes out Kidd, and hits a Pedigree on Smith, who then stumbles right into the Pedigree.
 
WINNERS AND STILL UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DX.
 
I elect to turn off my TV at this moment, as I see...that troll is making an appearance. I need some asprin. I have a killer headache.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).