Merry Christmas! It is I, Shane
Steele, giving you the wonderful present of this
Christmas edition of the Lowdown on Smackdown. And
before you ask, I did not save the receit, so no,
you cannot return it. Good luck regifting it too.
This episode of Smackdown features a pair of title
matches, as DX defends the Unified Tag Team titles
against The Hart Dynasty and Rey Mysterio challenges
The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight
Suddenly, I feel the urge to
vomit as Vickie Guerrero appears on my TV screen.
She's here to wish everyone a merry Christmas while
Teddy brings eggnog from the kitchen in the
background. Shouldn't the woman be bringing the man
food? Female readers (if you exist), I jest. Vickie
tries to make boiled potatoes while Teddy references
his heart attack from his wedding with Krystal.
Score one for continuity, T-Lo. While I begin
praying for the segment to end, Vickie and Teddy
argue about the proper preparation of turkey and how
stuffing should look and who's going to get the
cranberry sauce and WHAT THE FUCK IS HORNSWOGGLE
DOING HERE?! GET OFF MY TELEVISION SCREEN NOW, YOU
R-Truth, John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and
Finlay vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Drew McIntyre, and
Finlay and Ziggler start things
off, with Finlay hitting a shoulder block, a scoop
slam, and a butt drop for 2. Finlay tags in R-Truth,
who rolls up Ziggler for 2. Ziggler gets on the
offensive with a fireman's carry, then tags to Punk,
who quickly gets armdragged by Truth. Tag to Harry,
who fires off an insane amount of punches before
hitting the corner clothesline/bulldog combo for 2.
Punk blocks a top rope move and covers about a dozen
times as we go to COMMERCIALS!!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully,
my battery usually dies while I'm driving.
We return from the break to
find Gallows working a bearhug on Hardy as CM Punk
yells at some fan. He probably told Punk to shave
his chest. Tag to McIntyre, who hits a clothesline
for 2, then tags to Ziggler. A dropkick (which Hardy
hilariously sold after a long pause), gets 2. A neck
snap also gets 2. Ziggler works a body scissors and
Hardy tries to battle out, but fails. Tag to
McIntyre, who gets in some punches, only to see
Hardy break free. Tags to both Morrison and Punk,
with only Morrison entering with the dreaded HOUSE
OF FI-YAH (not, um, Mercury's? Yeah, that'll work).
Punk tags to Morrison, but he takes a bunch of
punches too, so he just tags in Ziggler, who also
gets his ass handed to him. All hell, proceeds to
break loose, until we're left with Ziggler flat on
his back and Morrison hitting the Starship Pain for
Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth, and Morrison.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: A Sesame
Street Muppet just said "killing". That's awkward.
Chris Jericho heads to the ring
sporting his usual "Nope, didn't feel like wrestling
tonight" suit. Jericho starts things off by saying
the DX Christmas bit will suck (he's right) and
tries to earn our sympathy by saying he misses Big
Show and all the fans are just haters. Well,
something along the lines of that, only more
eloquent. Jericho calls out The Hart Dynasty by
saying they never did anything to deserve a title
shot. Speak of the devil, The Hart Dynasty struts
down to the ring. Jericho says he respects Smith and
Kidd for their heritage, but still thinks they're
a pair of undeserving punks. Smith counters by
saying that when they have problems, they take them
head on(apply directly to the forehead) instead of
complaining. Kidd tries to stick in the phrase on
the back of their shirts (anyone wanna get me one of
those shirts for Christmas? They're actually pretty
sweet), but such shilling brings out DX! Shit. I
should've seen it coming. After all, it's not like
we can let the young tag team have a moment to
promote their merch or something. DX says they have
presents for everyone and decide to reveal Jericho's
first. It's a horrible Photoshop of Tickle-Me-Elmo
with Big Show's head and tights that farts when you
press its stomach. Kill me now. For The Hart
Dynasty, DX was kind enough to get them one-way
tickets to Canada. And a Photoshop of a bunch of
Canadian stereotypes appears. Isn't it great how we
can insult Canada and relax, knowing they won't get
too pissed. Jericho encourages the Harts to make an
impact tonight, then turns to DX and warns them that
he will take the tag titles back. He turns around
and the Harts nail him with a Hart Attack. The more
I think about this, the less it makes sense, but
considering the Harts are awesome, I'll let it
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You
could see a sci-fi movie with aliens like Avatar
or you could see a well-written, well-directed,
well-acted piece of awesomeness with aliens like
District 9. Yes, I shill for District 9.
I have a friend from South Africa.
Layla and Michelle are
backstage hurling insults at Mickie again. They got
her some sort of card with a gift certificate. I
wasn't really paying attention, so I'll just go out
on a limb and assume it was for Weight Watchers or
Jenny Craig or some bullshit like that.
We then cut to Matt Striker,
his awesome sweater vest, and Tard Grisham, as they
recap the events at TLC, as well as last week's #1
Contender's match between Rey and Batista. I still
giggle at "Chair Match". "These vile weapons that
someone uses on another guy basically every week are
suddenly LETHAL! Go out there and kill each other!"
Josh Matthews pops into Rey
Mysterio's locker room to get a few words. Rey says
he plans to become champ tonight and wishes everyone
a Merry Christmas. That match is...next? Damn. 3
guesses as to who's winning tonight!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Wonder if I
have any spare gold lying around.
World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker
vs. Rey Mysterio
Mysterio, then throws him out of the ring. Outside,
Rey manages to evade an apron legdrop, send
Undertaker into the ring post, and nail a suicide
dive as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Girl, your
acne is not that bad.
We return to find 'Taker
beating on Mysterio with his "soup bones". Remember
those? I do! Rey rebounds by sending Undertaker to
the outside and hitting a baseball slide. 'Taker
blocks a seated senton attempt and throws Rey into
the barricade. Undertaker sends Rey back into the
ring and works on Rey's arm for a while. 'Taker
tries to go for the Last Ride, but Rey escapes and
hits a springboard shoulder block and a springboard
legdrop for 2. Rey blocks a chokeslam attempt, but
'Taker manages to hit a big boot and connect with a
chokeslam. For no reason other than being an
asshole, Batista appears to attack Undertaker.
DISQUALIFICATION: The Undertaker. Strangely
enough, wwe.com lists this as a "No Contest",
despite Batista never touching Rey once.
Batista and 'Taker go back and forth, with ol' UT
getting the duke. Rey attacks him from behind with a
springboard dropkick and follows it up with a 619.
'Taker blocks the seated senton attempt by grabbing
Rey's throat, but Batista spears Undertaker. Rey
then hits a 619 on Batista and takes off. Why does
this match now feel epically pointless?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Was The
Book of Eli shot in black and white?
Tribute to the Troops recap.
Because I was picking up a friend at the airport, I
missed it. R-Truth dressed up as Santa Claus,
brought out the whores, um, Divas with minimal
in-ring skill, and delivered a horrible rendition of
"Jingle Bells". If you can find it on YouTube,
please see it. He sounds like he's yelling the song.
Some dude who I thought was
Slam Master J, but turned out not to be is in the
back dressed as Santa. Cryme Tyme stops by to hear
Fake Santa bitch about how much it sucks to have fat
kids sit on your lap and carry heavy presents. Shad
responds by booting the poor bastard in the face and
taking his sack of presents. They hand them out to
children as they make their way to the ring for....
Cryme Tyme vs. Bryce Andrews and PAT BUCK!!!
Sorry Pat Buck. Not even the
blandness of your name can save you from this one.
Vickie and Teddy are back in
the kitchen bitchin' (see what I did there?) to each
other when they realize the camera is here and take
a chill pill. Vickie and Teddy argue about desert,
with Teddy wanting to offer up some banna cream pie
(because it's so festive) and Vickie wanting to
serve "traditional Mexican" apple pie (because apple
trees grow in Mexico). DAMN YOU HORNSWOGGLE! DAMN
YOUR PIE THROWING ANTICS!! GO TO HELL, I TELL YOU!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: In all
seriousness, it would kick ass to be a vampire.
Michelle McBitch has decided to
join the commentary team for....
Mickie James and Maria W/ Totally Undeserved
Slammy vs. Beth Phoenix and Layla
Gotta love how Layla made
herself somewhat attractive simply by straightening
her hair. Truly, she serves as an inspiration to
women everywhere. Maria and Layla start the match
off, with Maria pushing Layla on her ass. A hiptoss
ensues, as do several dropkicks. Layla puts and end
to Maria's offense with a quasi-Trouble in Paradise.
Tag to Beth, who utterly obliterates Maria until
tagging back to Layla. Some sort of hold follows a
dropkick, but Maria escapes and tags to Mickie.
Mickie completely destroys Layla, knocks Beth off
the apron, and delivers a Mick Kick for the win.
Mickie and Maria. Mickie tries to get to Michelle
around the announce table, but gets taken out from
behind by Beth, who also clotheslines Maria for
being a worthless whore. A Beth-Michelle staredown
Another trailer for The
Marine 2. Props to whoever put the whiff kick
GIF in my last recap. I owe ya one!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Golden
Next week, Morrison will try to
reclaim the Intercontinental title from Drew
McIntyre. But enough to that impending awesomeness!
Let's get ready for...
Unified Tag Team Champions DX vs. The Hart
Dynasty (After COMMERCIALS!)
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That's one
pissed off house cat.
HELL NO! I AM NOT SITTING
THROUGH A RECAP OF LITTLE PEOPLE'S COURT! I WILL
WAIT UNTIL THAT SHIT IS OVER!
Thank you. Now, proceed with
Tyson Kidd and Shawn Michaels
start things off with a nice exchange of armdrags
and dropkicks. Trips puts and end to this display of
skill with a shot to the back of Kidd's head. Tag to
Triple H, who hits a delayed vertical suplex on Kidd
that is supposed to mock Davey Boy Smith. Ladies and
gentlmen, our good guy. Kidd blocks a corner charge
with a dropkick and tags in David Hart Smith as we
go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I was not
paying attention. Sorry!
We return from the break to
find the Harts beating on Triple H. Tag to Kidd, who
gets clobbered with a clothesline. HBK tags in and
hits a clothesline and a scoop slam. Michaels goes
up top, but Natalya pulls Kidd out of the way of the
elbow drop. A nice springboard neckbreaker from Kidd
gets 2. Tag to Smith, who starts to work over HBK's
back. Natalya also slaps HBK for good measure. Tag
to Kidd, who covers for 2 following a drop
toehold/dropkick combo from both Smith and Kidd. A
spinning heel kick also gets 2. Tag to Smith, who
hits a delayed vertical suplex of his own for 2.
Smith works a headlock, but Michaels escapes, only
to get Saito suplexed for 2. Tag to Kidd, who hits a
legdrop for 2. HBK and Kidd run into each other
bouncing off the ropes and Michaels also blocks a
springboard move with an atomic drop. Tags to both
Triple H and Smith, but since it's Triple H, Smith
ends up on the recieving end of a HOUSE OF FI-YAH
beatdown. Spinebusters for both Harts. Triple H
looks to hit the Pedigree, but Smith powers out and
the Harts connect with the Hart Attack! PLEASE, DEAR
GOD, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Alas, HBK breaks it up at 2,
takes out Kidd, and hits a Pedigree on Smith, who
then stumbles right into the Pedigree.
WINNERS AND STILL
UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DX.
I elect to turn off my TV at
this moment, as I see...that troll is making an
appearance. I need some asprin. I have a killer