WWE SmackDown Recap for December 21,
Happy holidays, everyone! “Great” Scott is here, two days early and on an entirely different network. Man, the digs here on the USA Network are much nicer than what they are on SyFy. It’s like comparing filet mignon to SPAM.
Soooo…this week’s recap is (still unofficially) sponsored by the great dane. Although not my favorite dog, I have to stick with this silly theme, at least until I can think of some other gimmick to replace it.
Again, I don’t have any rants…`tis the season to suck it up and be nice. I will, however, direct you to my list of top ten Christmas movies. I highly recommend it. Consider it a Christmas present from me to you: the gift of humor…if you have a really loose definition of humor. Just click HERE to read it!
Anyway, the show stars off infuriately, as we’re treated to a match that some people were stupid to pay for on PPV…
Randy Orton vs. The Miz (with Alex Riley)
Before I begin recapping this match (Bless you, DVR.), I think I’ve figured out one of the reasons behind “Evil” Michael Cole. I don’t think the WWE has 100 percent faith in The Miz as a top-level heel. So, they’re sticking Alex Riley with him, and they’re making “Evil” Michael Cole his grating, obnoxious, sissy-voiced mouthpiece. I’m guessing the powers that be figured that even if people don’t hate Miz, they’re bound to hate one of his moronic hangers-on. It’s just like Dolph Ziggler…make people hate him by sticking him with someone you KNOW people hate. I kinda’ feel bad for Miz; I think he’s a pretty decent heel on his own; his back story of being a reality star that feels like he’s entitled to what he’s gotten is good enough on its own. I think Alex Riley would’ve been better suited joining Nexus…they need all the personality help they can get.
Now that I have that out of the way, let’s get on with our opening match!
The two men tie up to start. Miz gets sick of that pretty quick and heads out of the ring. Hey look, it’s Buddy the Elf! Back in the ring, Miz runs into a pretty homoerotic-looking Thesz press. Orton punches the crap out of Miz, following that up with a kick. Miz tries to retreat again, so Orton beats him up some more. Orton rolls Miz back inside and continues the beating. Orton stuns Miz under the bottom rope and tries for a pin. He pops Miz with four European uppercuts, and Miz rolls to the apron to retreat yet again. Miz finally gets his first offensive move in, as he stuns Orton over the top rope. Miz follows with a running kick and few other basic moves before Orton fires back with punches. Miz regains control with a knee to Orton’s midsection. Miz elbows and punches Orton, and then follows up with a suplex. Again, Orton fights back, and puts Miz down with his across the back backbreaker. Orton follows that with a clotheslin and a low powerslam. Mis rolls to the apron for the thirtieth time, so Orton charges. Miz tosses him, but Orton lands on his feet on the apron. Miz distracts the ref while Alex Riley yanks Orton to the floor. Alex Riley is a very useful henchman. Miz heads to the floor and whips Orton into the steps. Orton is in such pain that we need to go to commercial to give him time to recover.
I hear Stiller and DeNiro are doing another one of these Focker movies…Stiller’s character dies, so his wife becomes a nun. They’re calling it Mother Focker.
True Grit looks like it’s going to be AWESOME.
We’re back, and Miz is taking a page from the Randy Orton playbook, as he has a chinlock applied. Orton quickly escapes and manages to apply a sleeper. Miz escapes and locks on one of his own. Orton escapes with a suplex and both men are down. Miz hits a big boot and gets a two count on a pin attempt. A frustrated Miz hits a series of punches and a couple kicks for good measure. Miz argues with the ref, and then heads to the top, only to have Orton crotch him on the top turnbuckle. Orton punches Miz a time or two, and then superplexes him off the top. After a failed pin attempt, the two men fight back and forth, with Orton getting the better of things with a series of stomps. Orton bizarrely steals a move from Kurt Angle’s playbook and hits the Olympic Slam. Funny how that move would’ve won the match for Angle.
Back to the action, Orton sends Miz to the ropes, but Miz Kicks Orton and then hits an inverted DDT backbreaker. Miz tries another running kick, but Orton ducks and connects with a dropkick. Orton tries another pin, but doesn’t get the win. Orton sets Miz up for what looks to be a piledriver, but Riley gets on the apron and distracts Orton long enough for Miz to escape. This match is actually quite good so far. The two men end up in opposite corners, so Miz hits his running clothesline through the ropes. He follows that up with a DDT and a pin attempt. Orton kicks out. Miz stalks Orton and applies the Skull-Crushing Finale, but Orton escapes. Orton goes for the RKO, but Miz escapes and goes for a back slide pin attempt. Orton kicks out at two. Orton knocks Miz for a loop with a European uppercut, sending him to the apron AGAIN. As Miz tries to re-enter the ring, Orton ensnares him in the suspended DDT. Then Orton goes into Mongoloid mode, until Alex Riley tries to interfere. Miz tries to attack from behind, but runs right into an RKO. Miz is finished, but Riley interferes to draw the DQ. Meh.
Winner: Randy Orton (by DQ)
That was a surprisingly good match spoiled by a pretty predictable ending. I figured out a way to make any match more watchable: completely ignore the announce team. I really hate all of them.
After the match, Alex Riley fulfills his role as human punching bag by getting his ass handed to him. After that, Orton turns his attention to Miz while Cole whines like a baby. Randy sets Miz up for a punt to the head, but Alex Riley comes in to get his ass re-handed to him in the form of an RKO. Miz crawls down the ramp as if he were a six-year-old girl facing her creepy Uncle Bill…if you get my drift.
Next, we’re treated to a replay of John Cena doing something stupid at TLC. I’m not even going to bother to rewind to see what it was. As far as tonight, it wasn’t bad enough to have Cena beat Dolph Ziggler, but now he’s going to fight Ziggler AND Vickie…Merry Christmas!
Backstage, it’s Big Show dressed as Santa, Hornswoggle dressed as an elf, and Rosa Mendes dressed as hotly as WWE’s PG-13 rating will allow. Do I really have to say anymore?
Upon our return, we’re treated to more of the holiday trio, handing out WWE-related gifts to the crowd. Big Santa tries to sit down in the ring and manages to break the chair…can’t tell if that was scripted or not. A stage hand gets Santa another chair and he reads a horrible poem. Cody Rhodes makes up for at least a few of his fruity personal grooming vignettes by sneak attacking Hornswoggle in the ring, kicking the poop out of Big Show, and laying waste to the holiday accoutrements in the ring. This brewing feud has EPIC written all over it. I guess Cody is on the naughty list this year.
Post-commercials, John Cena does dumb shit to celebrate his banishing of Nexus. Speaking of dumb shit, Vickie comes out and the crowd boos the living crap out of her. I love how Dolph Ziggler has to take a back seat to Vickie in this. I guess even Jerry Lawler gets involved, making Ziggler the fourth most important person in this mini-feud…fantastic.
After that annoying recap, we head to the interview area to hear from Beth Phoenix, who looks pretty darned good all gussied up. She talks about her TLC match until Santino comes in to see if she’s okay. Santino tries to solicit a kiss from Beth, but she opts for Kozlov (who’s holding the mistletoe) instead. Santino gets mad at Kozlov, but ultimately gives up, allowing Kozlov to show his romantic side. These two guys are comedy gold.
Speaking of gold…we’re getting another Christmas treat…
Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero
Well, let’s see how they can humiliate Chavo again.
Santino shows off his judo training with a hip throw. Chavo gets up and lays into Santino. Chavo tries to charge Santino, but Santino launches him from the ring. Santino follows Chavo outside, but when the two men get back in the ring, Chavo takes control again. Chavo stays on top with a belly-to-back suplex and then tries for a pin. Chavo punches Santino and then rams his head into the turnbuckles twice. On the third attempt, Santino blocks and repeated rams Chavo’s head into the turnbuckle. Santino follows up with his split duck under a Chavo clothesline and his falling hip toss. Santino gets pumped up, but hits knees when he goes for the diving headbutt. Chavo takes control back with two of the three amigos, but Santino blocks the third. He punches Chavo in the belly and hits the split-stunner. Santino releases The Cobra, The Cobra strikes, and Santino rolls up a falling Chavo for the win.
Winner: Santino (and everyone watching)
Was it a wrestling classic? Of course not. Was is it funny and entertaining? It sure was. It would be interesting to see what would happen if they actually taught Santino a few more moves. Doink the Clown proved that corny and good wrestling aren’t mutually exclusive.
On a related note, I love how Michael Cole sheds his evil persona for Santino Marella. Seriously, Cole is a complete tool. It takes a lot of effort to make Sean Mooney and Todd Pettengill look cool.
Well, it appears Edge won at the PPV. I’m really hoping that means Kane is out of the title picture for a while. Let’s get some new blood in the title picture (Alberto Del Rio, perhaps).
I’m going to be honest, I fast forwarded through Edge’s talking. Kane comes out, and I resume fast forwarding. Eventually, Kane makes his way down to ringside, so I push Play. Kane asks Edge if he thinks he can manipulate him…umm, he’s been doing it for the last month, you idiot. I didn’t see the PPV, but I’m guessing Paul Bearer is no longer of any importance. Eh, I don’t really care either way.
That segment is followed by a bunch of recap-related stuff…so I fast forward again.
Ezekiel Jackson is coming to SmackDown. I wondering if they’re going to have him fight jobbers for another two months before he actually gets to fight someone of import…like Zack Ryder or one of the Dudebusters (the one that’s actually still employed). I liked Jackson better when we was paired with The Brian Kendrick.
Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval
So, Drew’s going from a cool-looking sleeveless robe to a generic-looking t-shirt? I have to say that it’s a bit of a downgrade. And who buys Drew McIntyre merchandise? Does he really warrant a shirt?
Kaval does his weird herky-jerky posing on the apron and then rolls right into a beating by Drew McIntyre. The ref pulls McIntyre away, but not before the “Sinister Scotsman” gets one more stiff kick in. Finally, the ref asks Kaval if he’s okay to go, and Kaval stupidly says yes. He walks into a boot from McIntyre, who follows that with the FutureShock DDT to end it.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Well, if their goal was to bury Kaval and pointlessly elevate McIntyre (because we all know he’s only getting as high as the mid-card), I guess they succeeded.
After the match, I have to listen to the announcers talk, which is actually funny because Cole has his Slammies lined up so one of the guys in the statue has his head up the other guy’s ass. It’s so symbolic in so many ways!
We transition to a video package about Tribute to the Troops. Good for you, WWE. Your product still sucks most of the time.
Alberto Del Rio and Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio
I hope they NEVER get rid of Del Rio’s announcer guy. He’s more entertaining than half the actual performers on the roster (at the very least Mark Henry, Tyler Reks, Chris Masters, David Otunga, and Heath Slater).
Mysterio starts off with Del Rio, but Swagger and Kingston get involved. Del Rio uses this opportunity to jump Mysterio. After a few shots, Del Rio tries to remove Rey’s mask, and he’s a little more successful than I think he meant to be. With Rey preoccupied, Del Rio gets in a kick and then backs Rey into his corner. Swagger tags in and continues the beating. Swagger quickly tags out to Del Rio, who gets caught in a flying head scissors. Rey tags to Kingston, who puts the hurt on Del Rio for a second or two before Kingston tags out. The face team gets in a pair of nice double team moves until Swagger interferes. Del Rio goes after Kingston, but flies through the ropes to the floor. Swagger tries to interfere again, but HE ends up on the floor. The two good guys head to the top turnbuckles and come crashing down on Swagger and Del Rio. After that nifty spot, let’s head to some commercials.
When we return, Del Rio has apparently recovered enough to clamp on a rear chinlock. Rey fights out, but Del Rio tosses him to the mat and kicks him in the back. After a failed pin attempt, Del Rio tags Swagger. Swagger slams Rey and then goes for the Vader splash in the corner. Swagger also goes for a pin and fails. Swagger follows up with a bear hug. Rey punches his way out, but Swagger catches Rey as he leaps for a tag. Swagger tosses Rey to the corner, but Rey drop toeholds him into the turnbuckles and tries to tag Kingston. Rey makes the tag, and Kingston comes in a house of FIYAH! Kingston stays on the offensive until he tries a corner splash on Swagger, who put both feet into Kinston’s chest. Ouch. Swagger emerges from the corner with a big boot. He drags Kingston to his corner, where Del Rio resumes the beating. Del Rio hits a textbook suplex and then mocks Kingston. Kingston tries to fight back, but Del Rio lays the boots to him and backs him into the heel corner. Swagger comes back in and applies a front facelock. Kingston pushes his way to his corner, but Swagger punches him and prevents the tag. Kingston evens the odds with a springboard bodypress off of an Irish whip by Swagger, and then makes the tag. Swager tags to Del Rio, and Del Rio quickly falls prey to a seated senton and a tornado DDT by Rey. Mysterio goes for a pin, and almost gets the win, but Del Rio kicks out. Rey kicks Del Rio again and goes for another pin. Del Rio kicks out, and then shoves Rey to the corner. Del Rio doesn’t succeed on the charge, but regains control by hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker as Rey bounces off the ropes. Del Rio tries a slam, but Rey slips out and kicks Del Rio into the 619 position. Luckily for Del Rio, he’s close enough for Swagger to tag in and hit a vicious-looking tackle on Rey. Swagger goes for a pin and gets 2.78. Swagger signals for the gutwrench powerbomb, but he fails, allowing Rey to put him in position for the 619. Del Rio tries to help his partner, but he gets put in the same position, right next to Swagger. Del Rio moves, but Swagger (sorta’) gets hit with the 619. Del Rio’s luck doesn’t last long, as Kingston sends him to the floor. Kingston also help by hitting Trouble in Paradise on a woozy Jack Swagger. Swagger falls right in position for Rey to hit his springboard splash for the win.
Winners: Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston
That was some great stuff. That’s what tag team wrestling is all about. Every guy did a great job in that match.
Seriously, do they have to show this dumb shit thing from TLC 500 times? It really doesn’t look all that impressive. The guy was under cover when you dumped the chairs on him.
After the commercials, it’s time for another awkward Kelly Kelly/Drew McIntyre skit. Why do they keep this blonde dolt on the payroll, again?
Speaking of keeping useless people on the payroll…Vickie’s in the back being obnoxious. What’s new?
Koby Bryant is in the Tribute to the Troops video package. Remember when he was a rapist? Most people sort of forget that. Remember, if you’re good at sports, crimes just don’t matter! Just ask OJ Simpson!
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs. John Cena
I’m semi-boycotting this match because every one of you know how this is going to end. The only question is how stupid Dolph is going to look by the end of this. Soooo, let’s watch on fast forward.
The match looks about as by-the-book as RAW’s version, with Vickie getting in to stand on Cena’s face and scream. Awesome.
I hit play again as things spill to the floor. Ziggler tries to send Cena to the steps, but ends up going to the steps himself. Cena rolls Ziggler in, but gets hit with a picture perfect dropkick. Cena blocks a suplex and hits one of his own…and both men are down. Punches are thrown, and then Cena misses a diving shoulderblock. Cena ends up outside again, and Vickie kicks him. Cena gets back in and hits a gutwrech suplex. Both men are down again. Cena gets up, looks angrily at Vickie, and then misses a corner charge. Ziggler applies a sleeper, but it ends up turning into a rear chinlock. More stuff happens (sorry, fast forward again), and then Vickie tags herself in, sigh…Vickie mocks Cena, and then misses whatever horrible move she tries. Unfortunately, that’s when my DVR ran out…so let me see how this ends. I’m heading to WWE.com.
Apparently, Cena kissed Vickie, hit his finisher on Ziggler, and then got hit with a chair by CM Punk. Nice, anything to shove Ziggler further down the ladder.
Winner: John Cena
The match was definitely better on fast forward. CM Punk vs. Cena ought to be decent, if they actually build Punk up to be credible. His credibility definitely took a hit during that Big Show feud.
Before I wrap this up (ooooh….Christmas puns!), let me hand out my awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The tag match was fantastic. The opening match gets an honorable mention.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: I can’t imagine the Kelly Kelly/Drew McIntyre skits producing anything worthwhile. Honorable mention goes to Vickie Guerrero and her continued existence.
Well, it’s the holiday season, so I’m done with this recapping stuff for the rest of my vacation. I hope every one of you has a “great” holiday season and I hope you get everything you want…unless it’s Legendary or Knucklehead…or a Drew McIntyre t-shirt.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).