WWE SmackDown Recap for December 21,
2010
Happy holidays, everyone! “Great” Scott is
here, two days early and on an entirely different
network.
Man, the digs here on the USA Network are much
nicer than what they are on SyFy. It’s like
comparing filet mignon to SPAM.
Soooo…this
week’s recap is (still unofficially) sponsored by the
great dane.
Although not my favorite dog, I have to stick
with this silly theme, at least until I can think of
some other gimmick to replace it.
Again, I don’t have any rants…`tis the season to suck it
up and be nice.
I will, however, direct you to my list of top ten
Christmas movies.
I highly recommend it. Consider it a
Christmas present from me to you: the gift of humor…if
you have a really loose definition of humor. Just click HERE to read it!
Anyway, the show stars off infuriately, as we’re treated
to a match that some people were stupid to pay for on
PPV…
Randy Orton vs. The Miz (with Alex Riley)
Before I begin recapping this match (Bless you, DVR.), I
think I’ve figured out one of the reasons behind “Evil”
Michael Cole.
I don’t think the WWE has 100 percent faith in
The Miz as a top-level heel. So, they’re
sticking Alex Riley with him, and they’re making “Evil”
Michael Cole his grating, obnoxious, sissy-voiced
mouthpiece.
I’m guessing the powers that be figured that even
if people don’t hate Miz, they’re bound to hate one of
his moronic hangers-on. It’s just like
Dolph Ziggler…make people hate him by sticking him with
someone you KNOW people hate. I kinda’ feel
bad for Miz; I think he’s a pretty decent heel on his
own; his back story of being a reality star that feels
like he’s entitled to what he’s gotten is good enough on
its own. I
think Alex Riley would’ve been better suited joining
Nexus…they need all the personality help they can get.
Now that I have that out of the way, let’s get on with
our opening match!
The two men tie up to start. Miz gets sick of
that pretty quick and heads out of the ring. Hey look, it’s
Buddy the Elf!
Back in the ring, Miz runs into a pretty
homoerotic-looking Thesz press. Orton punches
the crap out of Miz, following that up with a kick. Miz tries to
retreat again, so Orton beats him up some more. Orton rolls Miz
back inside and continues the beating. Orton stuns Miz
under the bottom rope and tries for a pin. He pops Miz with
four European uppercuts, and Miz rolls to the apron to
retreat yet again.
Miz finally gets his first offensive move in, as
he stuns Orton over the top rope. Miz follows with
a running kick and few other basic moves before Orton
fires back with punches. Miz regains
control with a knee to Orton’s midsection. Miz elbows and
punches Orton, and then follows up with a suplex. Again, Orton
fights back, and puts Miz down with his across the back
backbreaker.
Orton follows that with a clotheslin and a low
powerslam.
Mis rolls to the apron for the thirtieth time, so
Orton charges.
Miz tosses him, but Orton lands on his feet on
the apron.
Miz distracts the ref while Alex Riley yanks
Orton to the floor. Alex Riley is a
very useful henchman. Miz heads to the
floor and whips Orton into the steps. Orton is in such
pain that we need to go to commercial to give him time
to recover.
I
hear Stiller and DeNiro are doing another one of these
Focker movies…Stiller’s character dies, so his wife
becomes a nun.
They’re calling it Mother Focker.
True Grit looks like it’s going to be AWESOME.
We’re back, and Miz is taking a page from the Randy
Orton playbook, as he has a chinlock applied. Orton quickly
escapes and manages to apply a sleeper. Miz escapes and
locks on one of his own. Orton escapes
with a suplex and both men are down. Miz hits a big
boot and gets a two count on a pin attempt. A frustrated Miz
hits a series of punches and a couple kicks for good
measure.
Miz argues with the ref, and then heads to the
top, only to have Orton crotch him on the top
turnbuckle.
Orton punches Miz a time or two, and then
superplexes him off the top. After a failed
pin attempt, the two men fight back and forth, with
Orton getting the better of things with a series of
stomps.
Orton bizarrely steals a move from Kurt Angle’s
playbook and hits the Olympic Slam. Funny how that
move would’ve won the match for Angle.
Back to the action, Orton sends Miz to the ropes, but
Miz Kicks Orton and then hits an inverted DDT
backbreaker.
Miz tries another running kick, but Orton ducks
and connects with a dropkick. Orton tries
another pin, but doesn’t get the win. Orton sets Miz
up for what looks to be a piledriver, but Riley gets on
the apron and distracts Orton long enough for Miz to
escape.
This match is actually quite good so far. The two men end
up in opposite corners, so Miz hits his running
clothesline through the ropes. He follows that
up with a DDT and a pin attempt. Orton kicks out.
Miz stalks Orton and applies the Skull-Crushing Finale,
but Orton escapes.
Orton goes for the RKO, but Miz escapes and goes
for a back slide pin attempt. Orton kicks out
at two.
Orton knocks Miz for a loop with a European
uppercut, sending him to the apron AGAIN. As Miz tries to
re-enter the ring, Orton ensnares him in the suspended
DDT. Then
Orton goes into Mongoloid mode, until Alex Riley tries
to interfere.
Miz tries to attack from behind, but runs right
into an RKO.
Miz is finished, but Riley interferes to draw the
DQ.
Meh.
Winner: Randy Orton (by
DQ)
Rating:
That was a surprisingly good match spoiled by a pretty
predictable ending. I figured out a
way to make any match more watchable: completely ignore
the announce team.
I really hate all of them.
After the match, Alex Riley fulfills his role as human
punching bag by getting his ass handed to him. After that,
Orton turns his attention to Miz while Cole whines like
a baby.
Randy sets Miz up for a punt to the head, but
Alex Riley comes in to get his ass re-handed to him in
the form of an RKO. Miz crawls down
the ramp as if he were a six-year-old girl facing her
creepy Uncle Bill…if you get my drift.
Next, we’re treated to a replay of John Cena doing
something stupid at TLC.
I’m not even going to bother to rewind to see
what it was.
As far as tonight, it wasn’t bad enough to have
Cena beat Dolph Ziggler, but now he’s going to fight
Ziggler AND Vickie…Merry Christmas!
Backstage, it’s Big Show dressed as Santa, Hornswoggle
dressed as an elf, and Rosa Mendes dressed as hotly as
WWE’s PG-13 rating will allow.
Do I really have to say anymore?
Upon our return, we’re treated to more of the holiday
trio, handing out WWE-related gifts to the crowd. Big Santa tries
to sit down in the ring and manages to break the
chair…can’t tell if that was scripted or not. A stage hand
gets Santa another chair and he reads a horrible poem.
Cody Rhodes makes up for at least a few of his fruity
personal grooming vignettes by sneak attacking
Hornswoggle in the ring, kicking the poop out of Big
Show, and laying waste to the holiday accoutrements in
the ring.
This brewing feud has EPIC written all over it.
I guess Cody is on the naughty list this year.
Post-commercials, John Cena does dumb shit to celebrate
his banishing of Nexus.
Speaking of dumb shit, Vickie comes out and the
crowd boos the living crap out of her. I love how Dolph
Ziggler has to take a back seat to Vickie in this. I guess even
Jerry Lawler gets involved, making Ziggler the fourth
most important person in this mini-feud…fantastic.
After that annoying recap, we head to the interview area
to hear from Beth Phoenix, who looks pretty darned good
all gussied up.
She talks about her TLC match until Santino comes
in to see if she’s okay. Santino tries to
solicit a kiss from Beth, but she opts for Kozlov (who’s
holding the mistletoe) instead. Santino gets mad
at Kozlov, but ultimately gives up, allowing Kozlov to
show his romantic side. These two guys
are comedy gold.
Speaking of gold…we’re getting another Christmas treat…
Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero
Well, let’s see how they can humiliate Chavo again.
Santino shows off his judo training with a hip throw. Chavo gets up
and lays into Santino. Chavo tries to
charge Santino, but Santino launches him from the ring.
Santino follows Chavo outside, but when the two
men get back in the ring, Chavo takes control again.
Chavo stays on top with a belly-to-back suplex
and then tries for a pin. Chavo punches
Santino and then rams his head into the turnbuckles
twice. On
the third attempt, Santino blocks and repeated rams
Chavo’s head into the turnbuckle. Santino follows
up with his split duck under a Chavo clothesline and his
falling hip toss.
Santino gets pumped up, but hits knees when he
goes for the diving headbutt. Chavo takes
control back with two of the three amigos, but Santino
blocks the third.
He punches Chavo in the belly and hits the
split-stunner.
Santino releases The Cobra, The Cobra strikes,
and Santino rolls up a falling Chavo for the win.
Winner: Santino (and
everyone watching)
Rating:
Was it a wrestling classic? Of course not.
Was is it funny and entertaining? It sure was.
It would be interesting to see what would happen if they
actually taught Santino a few more moves. Doink the Clown
proved that corny and good wrestling aren’t mutually
exclusive.
On a related note, I love how Michael Cole sheds his
evil persona for Santino Marella. Seriously, Cole
is a complete tool. It takes a lot
of effort to make Sean Mooney and Todd Pettengill look
cool.
Well, it appears Edge won at the PPV. I’m really
hoping that means Kane is out of the title picture for a
while.
Let’s get some new blood in the title picture
(Alberto Del Rio, perhaps).
I’m going to be honest, I fast forwarded through Edge’s
talking.
Kane comes out, and I resume fast forwarding.
Eventually, Kane makes his way down to ringside,
so I push Play.
Kane asks Edge if he thinks he can manipulate
him…umm, he’s been doing it for the last month, you
idiot. I
didn’t see the PPV, but I’m guessing Paul Bearer is no
longer of any importance. Eh, I don’t
really care either way.
That segment is followed by a bunch of recap-related
stuff…so I fast forward again.
Ezekiel Jackson is coming to SmackDown. I wondering if
they’re going to have him fight jobbers for another two
months before he actually gets to fight someone of
import…like Zack Ryder or one of the Dudebusters (the
one that’s actually still employed). I liked Jackson
better when we was paired with The Brian Kendrick.
Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval
So, Drew’s going from a cool-looking sleeveless robe to
a generic-looking t-shirt? I have to say
that it’s a bit of a downgrade. And who buys
Drew McIntyre merchandise? Does he really
warrant a shirt?
Kaval does his weird herky-jerky posing on the apron and
then rolls right into a beating by Drew McIntyre. The ref pulls
McIntyre away, but not before the “Sinister Scotsman”
gets one more stiff kick in. Finally, the ref
asks Kaval if he’s okay to go, and Kaval stupidly says
yes. He
walks into a boot from McIntyre, who follows that with
the FutureShock DDT to end it.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Rating:
Well, if their goal was to bury Kaval and pointlessly
elevate McIntyre (because we all know he’s only getting
as high as the mid-card), I guess they succeeded.
After the match, I have to listen to the announcers
talk, which is actually funny because Cole has his
Slammies lined up so one of the guys in the statue has
his head up the other guy’s ass. It’s so symbolic
in so many ways!
We transition to a video package about Tribute to the
Troops.
Good for you, WWE. Your product
still sucks most of the time.
Alberto Del Rio and Jack Swagger vs. Kofi
Kingston and Rey Mysterio
I hope they NEVER get rid of Del Rio’s announcer guy. He’s more
entertaining than half the actual performers on the
roster (at the very least Mark Henry, Tyler Reks, Chris
Masters, David Otunga, and Heath Slater).
Mysterio starts off with Del Rio, but Swagger and
Kingston get involved.
Del Rio uses this opportunity to jump Mysterio.
After a few shots, Del Rio tries to remove Rey’s
mask, and he’s a little more successful than I think he
meant to be.
With Rey preoccupied, Del Rio gets in a kick and
then backs Rey into his corner. Swagger tags in
and continues the beating. Swagger quickly
tags out to Del Rio, who gets caught in a flying head
scissors.
Rey tags to Kingston, who puts the hurt on Del
Rio for a second or two before Kingston tags out. The face team
gets in a pair of nice double team moves until Swagger
interferes.
Del Rio goes after Kingston, but flies through
the ropes to the floor. Swagger tries to
interfere again, but HE ends up on the floor. The two good
guys head to the top turnbuckles and come crashing down
on Swagger and Del Rio. After that nifty
spot, let’s head to some commercials.
When we return, Del Rio has apparently recovered enough
to clamp on a rear chinlock. Rey fights out,
but Del Rio tosses him to the mat and kicks him in the
back. After
a failed pin attempt, Del Rio tags Swagger. Swagger slams
Rey and then goes for the Vader splash in the corner.
Swagger also goes for a pin and fails. Swagger follows
up with a bear hug. Rey punches his
way out, but Swagger catches Rey as he leaps for a tag.
Swagger tosses Rey to the corner, but Rey drop
toeholds him into the turnbuckles and tries to tag
Kingston.
Rey makes the tag, and Kingston comes in a house
of FIYAH!
Kingston stays on the offensive until he tries a
corner splash on Swagger, who put both feet into
Kinston’s chest.
Ouch.
Swagger emerges from the corner with a big boot.
He drags Kingston to his corner, where Del Rio resumes
the beating.
Del Rio hits a textbook suplex and then mocks
Kingston.
Kingston tries to fight back, but Del Rio lays
the boots to him and backs him into the heel corner.
Swagger comes back in and applies a front
facelock.
Kingston pushes his way to his corner, but
Swagger punches him and prevents the tag. Kingston evens
the odds with a springboard bodypress off of an Irish
whip by Swagger, and then makes the tag. Swager tags to
Del Rio, and Del Rio quickly falls prey to a seated
senton and a tornado DDT by Rey. Mysterio goes
for a pin, and almost gets the win, but Del Rio kicks
out. Rey
kicks Del Rio again and goes for another pin. Del Rio kicks
out, and then shoves Rey to the corner. Del Rio doesn’t
succeed on the charge, but regains control by hitting a
tilt-a-whirl backbreaker as Rey bounces off the ropes.
Del Rio tries a slam, but Rey slips out and kicks Del
Rio into the 619 position. Luckily for Del
Rio, he’s close enough for Swagger to tag in and hit a
vicious-looking tackle on Rey. Swagger goes for
a pin and gets 2.78. Swagger signals
for the gutwrench powerbomb, but he fails, allowing Rey
to put him in position for the 619. Del Rio tries to
help his partner, but he gets put in the same position,
right next to Swagger. Del Rio moves,
but Swagger (sorta’) gets hit with the 619. Del Rio’s luck
doesn’t last long, as Kingston sends him to the floor.
Kingston also help by hitting Trouble in Paradise
on a woozy Jack Swagger. Swagger falls
right in position for Rey to hit his springboard splash
for the win.
Winners:
Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston
Rating:
That was some great stuff. That’s what tag
team wrestling is all about. Every guy did a
great job in that match.
Seriously, do they have to show this dumb shit thing
from TLC 500 times?
It really doesn’t look all that impressive. The guy was
under cover when you dumped the chairs on him.
After
the commercials, it’s time for another awkward Kelly
Kelly/Drew McIntyre skit. Why do they keep
this blonde dolt on the payroll, again?
Speaking of keeping useless people on the
payroll…Vickie’s in the back being obnoxious. What’s new?
Koby Bryant is in the Tribute to the Troops video
package.
Remember when he was a rapist? Most people sort
of forget that.
Remember, if you’re good at sports, crimes just
don’t matter!
Just ask OJ Simpson!
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs. John
Cena
I’m semi-boycotting this match because every one of you
know how this is going to end. The only
question is how stupid Dolph is going to look by the end
of this.
Soooo, let’s watch on fast forward.
The match looks about as by-the-book as RAW’s version,
with Vickie getting in to stand on Cena’s face and
scream.
Awesome.
I hit play again as things spill to the floor. Ziggler tries to
send Cena to the steps, but ends up going to the steps
himself.
Cena rolls Ziggler in, but gets hit with a
picture perfect dropkick. Cena blocks a
suplex and hits one of his own…and both men are down.
Punches are thrown, and then Cena misses a diving
shoulderblock.
Cena ends up outside again, and Vickie kicks him.
Cena gets back in and hits a gutwrech suplex. Both men are
down again.
Cena gets up, looks angrily at Vickie, and then
misses a corner charge. Ziggler applies
a sleeper, but it ends up turning into a rear chinlock.
More stuff happens (sorry, fast forward again),
and then Vickie tags herself in, sigh…Vickie mocks Cena,
and then misses whatever horrible move she tries. Unfortunately,
that’s when my DVR ran out…so let me see how this ends.
I’m heading to WWE.com.
Apparently, Cena kissed Vickie, hit his finisher on
Ziggler, and then got hit with a chair by CM Punk. Nice, anything
to shove Ziggler further down the ladder.
Winner: John Cena
Rating:
The match was definitely better on fast forward. CM Punk vs. Cena
ought to be decent, if they actually build Punk up to be
credible.
His credibility definitely took a hit during that
Big Show feud.
Before I wrap this up (ooooh….Christmas puns!), let me
hand out my awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The tag match
was fantastic.
The opening match gets an honorable mention.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: I can’t imagine
the Kelly Kelly/Drew McIntyre skits producing anything
worthwhile.
Honorable mention goes to Vickie Guerrero and her
continued existence.
Well, it’s the holiday season, so I’m done with this
recapping stuff for the rest of my vacation. I hope every one
of you has a “great” holiday season and I hope you get
everything you want…unless it’s Legendary or Knucklehead…or a
Drew McIntyre t-shirt.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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