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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(12/18/09)
BY IAN SPARKE
Yo yo yo! Pop a 40 and check your oily, it's Shane time! Does anyone else miss that opening to the Cryme Tyme entrance music? Only me? Ah well. On to more important things like, oh, I don't know, the recap maybe?
 
Show opens with the mack militant himself, Teddy Long, thuggin' and buggin' his way to the ring. Or walking. My way sounded more entertaining. Anyway, T-Lo declares there will be a #1 Contender's match tonight, but Batista and his very nice shades interrupt. Batista claims he should still be #1 Contender and since no one else wants to face him, he kind deserves the spot by default. This statement draws out Rey Mysterio, who is hilariously wearing a plaid button up shirt. Maybe he never wanted to be a wrestler. Maybe he wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK! Rey says he'll challenge Batista for the spot and Batista says he'll beat the shit out of him again. Teddy makes the match official and adds the stipulation that the winner will face The Undertaker for the title next week, which also happens to be Christmas Day. Sounds awesome enough.
 
In honor of Sheamus claiming the WWE title last Sunday, which I am totally fine with by the way, as well as McIntyre claiming the IC belt, I've decided to replace Commercial Thoughts with some of my favorite memories of young talent claiming titles. Enjoy.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Looking way back, my first memory of such an instance would be MNM taking the tag team titles from Rey and Eddie Guerrero in their first match. I don't remember many people griping about it the way people whined about Santino getting the IC belt his first night, but then again, I was solely a mark back then, so there may or may not have been significant whining.
 
John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre, CM Punk, and Luke Gallows
 
Punk and Hardy start things off, with Hardy getting in a few turnbuckle shots before tagging to Truth. A double team move from Hardy and Truth ensues, but Punk scurries away and tags to McIntyre. McIntyre fires off a few punches and headbutts before Morrison tags in and hits a Russian legsweep. A standing shooting star press follows for 2. McIntyre rolls out of the ring as we go to the break.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Speaking of Santino, I remember being not very impressed when he took the belt from the recently passed Umaga (RIP). Sure, I probably would've gone a little crazier had he done it as his Russian shootfighter character Boris Alexiev, considering my love for all things Communist. Oh, what a fool I was.
 
We return to find Punk in the ring now, trapped in a Morrison headlock. Punk escapes, but Morrison hits a nice kick to the face for 2. Morrison looks to hit a springboard maneuver, but McIntyre kicks him off the apron while Gallows distracts the ref. Punk then tags in Gallows, who annihilates Morrison with big boots and various slams before tagging back to McIntyre. A clothesline gets 1 and is followed up by an armbar. Morrison manages to fight out, but McIntyre just tags in Gallows, who hits a few punches before tagging back to Punk. Kicks to the stomach from both Punk and Gallows get 2. Punk works a headlock for a bit, then tags to Gallows, who hits a neckbreaker for 2. Tag to Punk, who hits a top rope knee drop for 2. Punk goes for the GTS, but Morrison escapes and tags to Hardy, who comes in with the usual generic Matt Hardy HOUSE OF FI-YAH (again, not Jeff's). Bulldog gets 2, as does a weird quasi-Side Effect move. The real Side Effect is followed by a clusterfuck of men running into the ring, only to get thrown out. In the confusion, Gallows tosses Punk his Slammy award, which he uses to nail Hardy in his sizeable gut for the win.
 
WINNERS: CM Punk, Luke Gallows, and Drew McIntyre. You'd think Matt's paunch would defend him from such blows, but alas, not even fat is immune to the sheer power of THE SLAMMY AWARDS.
 
Maria and Mickie are in the back playing as themselves in SVR10 and beating on Michelle and Layla. Women playing video games? PREPOSTEROUS! Suddenly, the game shuts off, as it's revealed that Beth Phoenix unplugged it. Beth chastises the two for playing games instead of doing something more constructive (hey, my dad tells me the same thing!), while Maria responds by waving her incredibly undeserved Slammy in Beth's face. Seriously, the WWE gives us fans a beauty pageant to decide their woman of the year and we pick Maria? Wrestling fans lack taste in women. And where was the smark support for Jillian? I was rootin' for her! Anyway, Beth says she'll kick Maria's ass in their match tonight. This is followed by an announcement that DX will be on Smackdown next week. Shoot. Me. Now.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Kofi winning the IC title from Chris Jericho at Night of Champions a year ago was a very pleasant surprise. I'll admit, I saw him coming as the replacement for HBK from a mile away, but I didn't think he'd actually win the match.
 
Eric Escobar makes his way to the ring wearing some gold chains and a vest. Razor Ramon Lite, anyone? Eric makes more Spanish "Vickie, you're ugly" jokes as I try to keep from yawning. Vickie comes out and says she got him a present for his birthday. It's his birthday today? Why didn't anyone tell me? I would've sent him a card. Kane's music hits and he comes out. I hope Vickie kept the receipt. Eric's probably gonna want to return this one.
 
Eric Essssssscobar vs. Kane
 
I don't know who Eric pissed off, but he needs to apologize.
 
WINNER: Kane. Vickie comes into the ring to cackle like a bitch as Eric tries to pick himself up. Vickie warns him to chooses his words more wisely and Eric responds with another crack about how ugly she is. Vickie screams for the mic, but Eric hilariously walks out with it. Why do more wrestlers not do this? The Great Khali faces Chris Jericho next.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: I remember being pretty pissed when Cade and Murdoch took the tag team titles from The Hurricane and Rosey. Then they lost them to Big Show and Kane a few weeks later. This is how I learned about a transition champion.
 
Jericho makes his way to the ring as Tard and Striker stupidly comment about how both Jericho and Big Show were exiled from RAW. Um, guys? Big Show's still part of the RAW roster. Jericho cries foul at DX for getting DQed as I notice something long and red hanging out of Jericho's trunks. Is he smuggling Twizzlers? Jericho gives us a laundry list of the people who have mistreated him, then touching says he'll miss Big Show and calls him his best friend. Aw. What a feel-good moment. And I'm not joking either. I said the same thing back in October when Jericho said "You watch what you say about my friend. He IS my friend". Jericho says if he can't be on RAW, he'll just go back to dominating Smackdown. The Great Khali makes his entrance and I have a match to recap.
 
Chris Jericho vs. The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh
 
Jericho stalls for a few moments before trying out a few kicks. Khali responds with a brain chop and a couple of stomps. Jericho rolls to the outside and Khali tries to pull him back into the ring, but Jericho yanks his head down on the ropes. Jericho goes up top, but Khali blocks whatever he was going for and hits another brain chop. Khali signals for the Vise Grip, but Jericho dodges and decides to take a walk.
 
WINNER: The Great Khali. I guess Jericho just couldn't stand how bad this match was.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Jack Swagger winning the ECW title from Matt Hardy was a pretty happy night at the Steele house. It could just be my hatred for Matt Hardy, but...yeah, that's probably it.
 
The Hart Dynasty vs. Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang
 
The crowd was hilariously dead when Jimmy Wang Yang's music started. You could hear a pin drop. That aside, Tyson Kidd and Slam Master J start this off, with J almost immeadiately tagging to Yang. An impressive hurricarana from Yang is followed by a clothesline to the outside. Then Yang and J both dive onto David Hart Smith and Kidd in a pretty nice spot. Once back in the ring, Kidd tosses Yang into the corner and tags to Smith, who hits a delayed vertical suplex for 2. A trio of belly-to-belly suplexes, a la MAN WHO NEVER EXISTED's triple Germans, gets 2 as well. Yang fights back with a tornado DDT and tags in Slam Master J as Smith tags in Kidd. However, only J enters with the dreaded HOUSE OF FI-YAH! A bridge suplex gets 2. J blocks a springboard move and sets up for one of his own, but Natalya yanks him off the apron and HOLY SHIT, PICKS HIS ASS UP AND SLAMS HIM ON THE MAT! Oh, and the Hart Attack seals it. But shit, women beating up men!
 
WINNERS: The Hart Dynasty. Natalya gets a mic and declares that next week, the Harts will get revenge on DX for the injustices of a decade ago by taking the tag titles from them. Nice to see the Harts getting a push. Unfortunately, someone pushed them right into DX.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Remember Maryse as the chick who would say "Welcome back to Friday Night Smackdown"? I sure do! It was nice to see her take the Diva's title from Michelle McBitch. Plus, she's hot. HOTNESS FTW.
 
Speaking of McBitch, she and Layla run into Beth Phoenix backstage. They make more Piggy James jokes as Beth hilariously rolls her eyes. Beth warns them to watch what they say about big girls. Um, Beth. You're not fat.
 
Beth Phoenix vs. Maria
 
Beth beats the utter shit out of Maria. Seriously, throw in 2 kicks and a roll-up and that's all of Maria's offense. Glam Slam seals it.
 
WINNER: Beth Phoenix.
 
A quick trailer for The Marine 2. Eh. I'm pretty indifferent. I don't really care about Ted Dibiase. I'm just glad it wasn't Randy Orton, the proposed star of this movie. Imagine how boring Randy Orton would be in any kind of movie, with the possible exception of a courtroom drama. Rey Mysterio makes his way to the ring as we go to the break.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Bobby Lashley winning the US title from JBL is memorable for me only because on that same night, Rey Mysterio retired JBL and sent him to the announce desk, where he proceeded to be quite awesome. Thanks Bobby! You helped..sorta!
 
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (Winner Recieves a Title Match Next Week)
 
Rey tries to start things off with kicks, but Batista puts an end to that by slamming Rey into the corner. Batista controls from there with kicks and punches and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Rey counters by grabbing the ropes. Rey hits a springboard dropkick that sends Batista to the outside, then follows it up with a seated senton. Rey goes for a moonsault, but Batista catches him and slams him into the barricade as we go to the break.
 
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Oh, Mr. Kennedy. I actually was rooting for you to win the United States title the night you won it from Finlay. Little did I realize that was the first instance of you showing no motivation as a character, dooming your WWE career in my eyes forever.
 
Back from the break, Batista is slamming Rey into just about everything. The ring post, the apron, his knee, you name it. A big boot gets 2, as does a clothesline. Batista goes for a double axehandle off the top rope, but Rey blocks it with a dropkick. Rey hits a seated senton, a bulldog, a springboard legdrop, and a DDT. Each of them are followed by a cover and each of them get 2. Rey manages to hit the 619, but Batista blocks the splash attempt and covers for 2. A powerslam and a Boss Man slam also get 2. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb again, but Rey turns it into a hurricarana that sends Batista to the outside. Batista gets pissy and grabs a chair, but the ref says "No!", so Batista settles for spearing Rey for 2. 'Teest sets up for a spinebuster, but Rey counters it into a small package for the win! Not a bad little match.
 
WINNER: Rey Mysterio.
 
So, next week my Smackdown Christmas present is DX vs. The Hart Dynasty and Rey Mysterio vs. The Undertaker. Seeing the Harts win the tag team titles would be the best Christmas present ever. Pleasant Ramadan everyone!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).