Yo yo yo! Pop a
40 and check your oily, it's Shane time! Does anyone
else miss that opening to the Cryme Tyme entrance
music? Only me? Ah well. On to more important things
like, oh, I don't know, the recap maybe?
Show opens with the mack
militant himself, Teddy Long, thuggin' and buggin'
his way to the ring. Or walking. My way sounded more
entertaining. Anyway, T-Lo declares there will be a
#1 Contender's match tonight, but Batista and his
very nice shades interrupt. Batista claims he should
still be #1 Contender and since no one else wants to
face him, he kind deserves the spot by default. This
statement draws out Rey Mysterio, who is hilariously
wearing a plaid button up shirt. Maybe he never
wanted to be a wrestler. Maybe he wanted to be...A
LUMBERJACK! Rey says he'll challenge Batista for the
spot and Batista says he'll beat the shit out of him
again. Teddy makes the match official and adds the
stipulation that the winner will face The Undertaker
for the title next week, which also happens to be
Christmas Day. Sounds awesome enough.
In honor of Sheamus claiming
the WWE title last Sunday, which I am totally fine
with by the way, as well as McIntyre claiming the IC
belt, I've decided to replace Commercial Thoughts
with some of my favorite memories of young talent
claiming titles. Enjoy.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Looking
way back, my first memory of such an instance would
be MNM taking the tag team titles from Rey and Eddie
Guerrero in their first match. I don't remember many
people griping about it the way people whined about
Santino getting the IC belt his first night, but
then again, I was solely a mark back then, so there
may or may not have been significant whining.
John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and R-Truth vs. Drew
McIntyre, CM Punk, and Luke Gallows
Punk and Hardy start things
off, with Hardy getting in a few turnbuckle shots
before tagging to Truth. A double team move from
Hardy and Truth ensues, but Punk scurries away and
tags to McIntyre. McIntyre fires off a few punches
and headbutts before Morrison tags in and hits a
Russian legsweep. A standing shooting star press
follows for 2. McIntyre rolls out of the ring as we
go to the break.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Speaking
of Santino, I remember being not very impressed when
he took the belt from the recently passed Umaga
(RIP). Sure, I probably would've gone a little
crazier had he done it as his Russian shootfighter
character Boris Alexiev, considering my love for all
things Communist. Oh, what a fool I was.
We return to find Punk in the
ring now, trapped in a Morrison headlock. Punk
escapes, but Morrison hits a nice kick to the face
for 2. Morrison looks to hit a springboard maneuver,
but McIntyre kicks him off the apron while Gallows
distracts the ref. Punk then tags in Gallows, who
annihilates Morrison with big boots and various
slams before tagging back to McIntyre. A clothesline
gets 1 and is followed up by an armbar. Morrison
manages to fight out, but McIntyre just tags in
Gallows, who hits a few punches before tagging back
to Punk. Kicks to the stomach from both Punk and
Gallows get 2. Punk works a headlock for a bit, then
tags to Gallows, who hits a neckbreaker for 2. Tag
to Punk, who hits a top rope knee drop for 2. Punk
goes for the GTS, but Morrison escapes and tags to
Hardy, who comes in with the usual generic Matt
Hardy HOUSE OF FI-YAH (again, not Jeff's). Bulldog
gets 2, as does a weird quasi-Side Effect move. The
real Side Effect is followed by a clusterfuck of men
running into the ring, only to get thrown out. In
the confusion, Gallows tosses Punk his Slammy award,
which he uses to nail Hardy in his sizeable gut for
Punk, Luke Gallows, and Drew McIntyre. You'd think
Matt's paunch would defend him from such blows, but
alas, not even fat is immune to the sheer power of
THE SLAMMY AWARDS.
Maria and Mickie are in the
back playing as themselves in SVR10 and beating on
Michelle and Layla. Women playing video games?
PREPOSTEROUS! Suddenly, the game shuts off, as it's
revealed that Beth Phoenix unplugged it. Beth
chastises the two for playing games instead of doing
something more constructive (hey, my dad tells me
the same thing!), while Maria responds by waving her
incredibly undeserved Slammy in Beth's face.
Seriously, the WWE gives us fans a beauty pageant to
decide their woman of the year and we pick Maria?
Wrestling fans lack taste in women. And where was
the smark support for Jillian? I was rootin' for
her! Anyway, Beth says she'll kick Maria's ass in
their match tonight. This is followed by an
announcement that DX will be on Smackdown next week.
Shoot. Me. Now.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Kofi
winning the IC title from Chris Jericho at Night of
Champions a year ago was a very pleasant surprise.
I'll admit, I saw him coming as the replacement for
HBK from a mile away, but I didn't think he'd
actually win the match.
Eric Escobar makes his way to
the ring wearing some gold chains and a vest. Razor
Ramon Lite, anyone? Eric makes more Spanish "Vickie,
you're ugly" jokes as I try to keep from yawning.
Vickie comes out and says she got him a present for
his birthday. It's his birthday today? Why didn't
anyone tell me? I would've sent him a card. Kane's
music hits and he comes out. I hope Vickie kept the
receipt. Eric's probably gonna want to return this
Eric Essssssscobar vs. Kane
I don't know who Eric pissed
off, but he needs to apologize.
Vickie comes into the ring to cackle like a bitch as
Eric tries to pick himself up. Vickie warns him to
chooses his words more wisely and Eric responds with
another crack about how ugly she is. Vickie screams
for the mic, but Eric hilariously walks out with it.
Why do more wrestlers not do this? The Great Khali
faces Chris Jericho next.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: I remember
being pretty pissed when Cade and Murdoch took the
tag team titles from The Hurricane and Rosey. Then
they lost them to Big Show and Kane a few weeks
later. This is how I learned about a transition
Jericho makes his way to the
ring as Tard and Striker stupidly comment about how
both Jericho and Big Show were exiled from RAW. Um,
guys? Big Show's still part of the RAW roster.
Jericho cries foul at DX for getting DQed as I
notice something long and red hanging out of
Jericho's trunks. Is he smuggling Twizzlers? Jericho
gives us a laundry list of the people who have
mistreated him, then touching says he'll miss Big
Show and calls him his best friend. Aw. What a
feel-good moment. And I'm not joking either. I said
the same thing back in October when Jericho said
"You watch what you say about my friend. He IS my
friend". Jericho says if he can't be on RAW, he'll
just go back to dominating Smackdown. The Great
Khali makes his entrance and I have a match to
Chris Jericho vs. The Great Khali w/ Ranjin
Jericho stalls for a few
moments before trying out a few kicks. Khali
responds with a brain chop and a couple of stomps.
Jericho rolls to the outside and Khali tries to pull
him back into the ring, but Jericho yanks his head
down on the ropes. Jericho goes up top, but Khali
blocks whatever he was going for and hits another
brain chop. Khali signals for the Vise Grip, but
Jericho dodges and decides to take a walk.
Great Khali. I guess Jericho just couldn't stand how
bad this match was.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Jack
Swagger winning the ECW title from Matt Hardy was a
pretty happy night at the Steele house. It could
just be my hatred for Matt Hardy, but...yeah, that's
The Hart Dynasty vs. Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang
The crowd was hilariously dead
when Jimmy Wang Yang's music started. You could hear
a pin drop. That aside, Tyson Kidd and Slam Master J
start this off, with J almost immeadiately tagging
to Yang. An impressive hurricarana from Yang is
followed by a clothesline to the outside. Then Yang
and J both dive onto David Hart Smith and Kidd in a
pretty nice spot. Once back in the ring, Kidd tosses
Yang into the corner and tags to Smith, who hits a
delayed vertical suplex for 2. A trio of
belly-to-belly suplexes, a la MAN WHO NEVER
EXISTED's triple Germans, gets 2 as well. Yang
fights back with a tornado DDT and tags in Slam
Master J as Smith tags in Kidd. However, only J
enters with the dreaded HOUSE OF FI-YAH! A bridge
suplex gets 2. J blocks a springboard move and sets
up for one of his own, but Natalya yanks him off the
apron and HOLY SHIT, PICKS HIS ASS UP AND SLAMS HIM
ON THE MAT! Oh, and the Hart Attack seals it. But
shit, women beating up men!
Hart Dynasty. Natalya gets a mic and declares that
next week, the Harts will get revenge on DX for the
injustices of a decade ago by taking the tag titles
from them. Nice to see the Harts getting a push.
Unfortunately, someone pushed them right into DX.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Remember
Maryse as the chick who would say "Welcome back to
Friday Night Smackdown"? I sure do! It was nice to
see her take the Diva's title from Michelle McBitch.
Plus, she's hot. HOTNESS FTW.
Speaking of McBitch, she and
Layla run into Beth Phoenix backstage. They make
more Piggy James jokes as Beth hilariously rolls her
eyes. Beth warns them to watch what they say about
big girls. Um, Beth. You're not fat.
Beth Phoenix vs. Maria
Beth beats the utter shit out
of Maria. Seriously, throw in 2 kicks and a roll-up
and that's all of Maria's offense. Glam Slam seals
A quick trailer for The
Marine 2. Eh. I'm pretty indifferent.
I don't really care about Ted Dibiase. I'm just glad
it wasn't Randy Orton, the proposed star of this
movie. Imagine how boring Randy Orton would be in
any kind of movie, with the possible exception of a
courtroom drama. Rey Mysterio makes his way to the
ring as we go to the break.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Bobby
Lashley winning the US title from JBL is memorable
for me only because on that same night, Rey Mysterio
retired JBL and sent him to the announce desk, where
he proceeded to be quite awesome. Thanks Bobby! You
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (Winner Recieves a Title
Match Next Week)
Rey tries to start things off
with kicks, but Batista puts an end to that by
slamming Rey into the corner. Batista controls from
there with kicks and punches and goes for the
Batista Bomb, but Rey counters by grabbing the
ropes. Rey hits a springboard dropkick that sends
Batista to the outside, then follows it up with a
seated senton. Rey goes for a moonsault, but Batista
catches him and slams him into the barricade as we
go to the break.
YOUNG TALENT MEMORY: Oh, Mr.
Kennedy. I actually was rooting for you to win the
United States title the night you won it from
Finlay. Little did I realize that was the first
instance of you showing no motivation as a
character, dooming your WWE career in my eyes
Back from the break, Batista is
slamming Rey into just about everything. The ring
post, the apron, his knee, you name it. A big boot
gets 2, as does a clothesline. Batista goes for a
double axehandle off the top rope, but Rey blocks it
with a dropkick. Rey hits a seated senton, a
bulldog, a springboard legdrop, and a DDT. Each of
them are followed by a cover and each of them get 2.
Rey manages to hit the 619, but Batista blocks the
splash attempt and covers for 2. A powerslam and a
Boss Man slam also get 2. Batista goes for the
Batista Bomb again, but Rey turns it into a
hurricarana that sends Batista to the outside.
Batista gets pissy and grabs a chair, but the ref
says "No!", so Batista settles for spearing Rey for
2. 'Teest sets up for a spinebuster, but Rey
counters it into a small package for the win! Not a
bad little match.
So, next week my Smackdown
Christmas present is DX vs. The Hart Dynasty and Rey
Mysterio vs. The Undertaker. Seeing the Harts win
the tag team titles would be the best Christmas
present ever. Pleasant Ramadan everyone!