Hey hey, look
who's back! That's right! It's me, Shane Steele,
returning in place of the absent Ian Sparke, who's
taking time off to pursue other endeavours. Best of
luck to you, Ian. In truth, I've missed writing here
and it feels really good to be back. But enough of
my blabbing. On to the Rant!
Our show begins with a quick
recap of the various Batista-Undertaker encounters
over the past few weeks leading up to the dreaded
"Chair Match" this Sunday. I can't help, but laugh
every time I hear the words "Chair Match". Did they
seriously need to do this just to complete the TLC
trifecta? I mean, those two are just going to be
whacking each other with chairs. It's nothing
special. On a side note, is 'Taker wearing eyeshadow
or does he just look especially Goth?
After that, Batista decides to
open the show, since he either opens it, ends it, or
both. I'm pretty sure that's in his contract.
Someone in the crowd stole my "Badtista" nickname
and I'm pissed. Curse someone else who has my same
lack of originality! Batista says he's here to get a
few things of his chest. And no, "I'm gay" is not
one of them. Turns out, he doesn't want to face Rey
tonight in the street fight (did I mention that's
happening tonight?). Batista goes on to say he
doesn't care if people boo him, he just used people
like Evolution and Rey to get what he wanted, and
that it turns out everybody really needs him. Damn,
he's good at being a dick. 'Teest calls for a
spotlight and gets it as somewhere, Ken Kennedy
weeps. This leads to the obvious "I deserve to be in
the spotlight" schtick, followed by Batista claiming
he'll destroy Undertaker this Sunday. It just kinda
ends there, as we learn CM Punk and Luke Gallows
will be facing Matt Hardy and R-Truth next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: This man
has been talking about the Dish Network for 2
minutes straight. Shut up already.
CM Punk & Luke Gallows vs. R-Truth and Matt Hardy
Pre-match, Punk and his
homeless man beard cut a nice little promo about the
Jeff Hardy "digital video disc". Seriously, Punk
called it a "digital video disc". I must have missed
that part about being a straightedger making you
ignorant to abbreviations. Punk calls it a piece of
garbage and a horrible Christmas present. He throws
it down and gives it a good stomping, with Gallows
joining in later. This leads to Truth and Hardy
making their entrance. Hardy tosses Jeff DVD's to
children, further leeching off his brother's
popularity, as Punk hilariously yells at him to stop
passing out "poison". He's quickly shut up by an
R-Truth microphone shot and the match is underway!
Gallows and Truth start things
off-scratch that, Gallows just tagged in Punk, who
proceeds to get kicked and punched a great deal
before getting clotheslined to the outside as we got
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is
nothing audacious about bacon.
We return to Hardy and Truth
hitting a double hip toss on Punk, followed by a
lame "yay, we're friends!" double elbow drop. Truth
tags in and continues to beat on Punk before getting
dropped on the ropes. Punk tags in Gallows, who hits
a gut buster and a few corner punches before tagging
back to Punk. A scoop slam and an suplex each get 2
before Punk goes to the dreaded armbar. A tag to
Gallows leads to a bearhug, followed by a big boot.
Punk tags in, hits a back suplex, and prepares for
the springboard clothesline. I notice his hairy pecs
and die a little inside. Truth blocks the
clothesline with a dropkick and tags to Hardy, who
comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH! (Not Jeff's). After
the usual generic Matt offense, Matt goes for the
cover following a legdrop, but Gallows breaks it up.
Truth runs in to toss out Gallows and is tossed
himself by Punk. This is followed by the
ever-popular "let's keep countering the Twist of
Fate!" spot until Gallows blind tags in. Hardy hits
the Twist of Fate on Punk, but Gallows hits the 12th
Step/Gallow's Pole/Whatever the Hell it Is for the
Punk and Luke Gallows. Loser: Laser hair removal.
I'll send Punk a free session for Christmas.
In addition to Rey-Batista in
the main event, John Morrison and Drew McIntyre will
have a face-off later tonight. But enough of that!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hey, a
white woman talking about Ask Gary! This is out of
Eric Essssscobar and Vickie are
in the back arguing when Teddy Long intrudes. Vickie
wants to put Eric in a match with Chris Jericho.
Eric responds with Spanish, which he claims
translates into "I'll face anyone and you're ugly".
Vickie howls like a bitch as I notice blood dripping
out of my ears.
Kane is taking a stroll through
the darkest part of the back when he runs into Mike
Knox and his epic beard. Knox says he and Kane are
alike and kinda-sorta proposes a team-up. Kane says
no and threatens to kick Knox's ass again tonigt.
Knox kinda-sorta says he'd like that. EW! Please
don't make Mike Knox one of those pain=pleasure
Eric Escobar makes his way to
the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: In Lego
Indiana Jones, can I escape a Lego-atomic bomb by
hiding inside a Lego-fridge?
Eric Essssscobar vs. Chris Jericho
Jericho slaps Escobar and
Escobar responds with some punches, kicks, and
clotheslines. A spinebuster gets 2. Escobar
clotheslines Jericho to the outside as Vickie
appears to make the match a handicap match. Hm,
wonder who Jericho's partner will be?
Eric Essssscobar vs. Chris Jericho & Big Show
Yeah, this don't work out so
well for Eric.
Jericho and Big Show.
Jericho grabs a mic and says he
and Show will eradicate DX at TLC. Then Big Show
gets the mic and basically says the same thing. Why
does Jericho even allow you to talk? The
Morrison-McIntyre showdown is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Tigers and
off-road racing have nothing in common.
It's showdown time! McIntyre is
out first with a pipe-looking thing that turns out
to be a rolled up magazine. Perhaps I need glasses.
McIntyre is pissed because Morrison is on the cover,
as well as a bunch of other young stars, but he
isn't even mentioned. McIntyre says he's the future
World Heavyweight Champion, people need to take
notice, and that he'll make his mark by taking the
IC title at TLC. This draws out Morri-OH MY GOD HE'S
DRESSED AS WILLIAM WALLACE! AND I'M TALKING
FACEPAINT, KILT, SWORD, SHIELD, EVERYTHING!! Sorry.
I was taken aback by that. Morrison proceeds to talk
in a bad Scottish accent as McIntyre seethes with
rage. McIntyre says all this mocking will come back
to haunt Morrison and Morrison responds by whipping
out his sword. No, not like that, the one he brought
with him that can cut stuff! Pervert. Speaking of
cutting stuff, I think John shoulda been a little
more careful when he was fooling around with that
thing because he's got a little gash above his eye.
For some reason, Morrison starts a Savage-esque rant
about various WWE legends and makes the obligatory
"Never take my (insert object you have here)" line.
McIntyre gets pissy and demands Morrison drop the
sword and fight him. Morrison complies and a brawl
ensues, with McIntyre taking off.
Rey-Batista at Survivor Series
recap. Batista looks to destroy Rey again tonight.
Considering he's got the title shot Sunday, I like
his chances to do so.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: An exercise
machine that requires you to stretch muscles by
punching and that's endorsed by a shoot fighter.
Yes, nothing deadly about this.
Kane vs. Mike Knox W/ Beard
Knox starts off with a flurry
of blows, but Kane ends that with a big boot. Knox
rolls out of the ring and yanks Kane's arm over the
ropes, then gets back in the ring and hits a bicycle
kick. Bearded hossiness ensues for a while before
Kane blocks a standing splash and hits a low
dropkick for 2. Sidewalk slam also gets 2. Knox
blocks the clothesline of good intentions and hits
his awesome big man crossbody for 2. Knox goes for
the Knox Out, but Kane says "enough of that shit"
and hits a chokeslam for the win.
Dammit. More DX shilling. AND
GOOD GOD THERE'S HORNSWOGGLE! WHY IS HE ON THIS
SHOW?! GET RID OF HIM! GET RID OF HIM NOW!!!! STAY
ON RAW, YOU LITTLE TROLL!!!!!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm
actually kinda pissed they killed Hitler in
Mickie James and Maria vs. Michelle McCool
Apparently, Michelle will
defend the Women's title against Mickie at TLC. Much
like this match, I do not care. Not surprisingly,
Michelle kicks Maria's ass for a LONG time before
Maria finally manages to fight back with a
hurricarana. Tags to both Mickie and Layla. Lyala
gets her ass kicked, gets tossed into Michelle, and
gets rolled up for the loss. Um, way to be useful.
Mickie and Maria.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How does
the man grow old, but his house remains the same?
RAW Rebound. I hear the reason
Sheamus is getting such a big push is because he's
HHH's workout buddy. Striker and Tard are in the
ring now to run down the TLC card. I use this
opportunity to go to the bathroom and come back
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Droid
honestly sounds like a hostile global domination
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (Street Fight)
Rey starts things off with
kicks and punches, but Batista nearly takes his head
off with a clothesline. Batista proceeds to destroy
Rey, tossing him into the turnbuckle and kicking Rey
in the face. Running elbow gets 2. More punches and
kicks follow, as Batista continues to dominate until
Rey fights out of a powerslam attempt and sets up
the 619. Batista rolls to the outside, but Rey
attacks with a dropkick and a baseball slide as we
go to COMMERCIALS!!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Just for
giggles, "The Ballad of Gay Tony" should be a
Batista has utilized his
newfound heel powers to take control during the
break. Batista whips Rey with a wire cable, then
tosses Rey onto the announce table. He throws Rey
into the ring and applies a camel clutch. Rey tries
to fight out, but eats clothesline for his efforts.
Batista grabs a chair and tries to Batista Bomb Rey
onto it, but Rey fights out with punches and hits a
seated senton. 619 and a springboard splash follow,
but Batista kicks out at 2. Rey grabs a chair and
gets a few good shots in on Batista before being
speared. A spinebuster follows and as Rey tries to
rise, Batista just whacks him with the chair for the
Post-match, Batista sticks
Rey's head in the chair and looks to crush his
throat, but the lights go out, but not in time as I
can see Rey slipping out of the chair. Of course,
the Undertaker is there now and Batista takes a hike
to end the show.
Well, that was dull. Decent PPV
build, but dull. See you next week, where the road
to one of my favorite events, the Royal Rumble,