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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(12/11/09)
BY SHANE STEELE
Hey hey, look who's back! That's right! It's me, Shane Steele, returning in place of the absent Ian Sparke, who's taking time off to pursue other endeavours. Best of luck to you, Ian. In truth, I've missed writing here and it feels really good to be back. But enough of my blabbing. On to the Rant!
 
Our show begins with a quick recap of the various Batista-Undertaker encounters over the past few weeks leading up to the dreaded "Chair Match" this Sunday. I can't help, but laugh every time I hear the words "Chair Match". Did they seriously need to do this just to complete the TLC trifecta? I mean, those two are just going to be whacking each other with chairs. It's nothing special. On a side note, is 'Taker wearing eyeshadow or does he just look especially Goth?
 
After that, Batista decides to open the show, since he either opens it, ends it, or both. I'm pretty sure that's in his contract. Someone in the crowd stole my "Badtista" nickname and I'm pissed. Curse someone else who has my same lack of originality! Batista says he's here to get a few things of his chest. And no, "I'm gay" is not one of them. Turns out, he doesn't want to face Rey tonight in the street fight (did I mention that's happening tonight?). Batista goes on to say he doesn't care if people boo him, he just used people like Evolution and Rey to get what he wanted, and that it turns out everybody really needs him. Damn, he's good at being a dick. 'Teest calls for a spotlight and gets it as somewhere, Ken Kennedy weeps. This leads to the obvious "I deserve to be in the spotlight" schtick, followed by Batista claiming he'll destroy Undertaker this Sunday. It just kinda ends there, as we learn CM Punk and Luke Gallows will be facing Matt Hardy and R-Truth next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: This man has been talking about the Dish Network for 2 minutes straight. Shut up already.
 
CM Punk & Luke Gallows vs. R-Truth and Matt Hardy
 
Pre-match, Punk and his homeless man beard cut a nice little promo about the Jeff Hardy "digital video disc". Seriously, Punk called it a "digital video disc". I must have missed that part about being a straightedger making you ignorant to abbreviations. Punk calls it a piece of garbage and a horrible Christmas present. He throws it down and gives it a good stomping, with Gallows joining in later. This leads to Truth and Hardy making their entrance. Hardy tosses Jeff DVD's to children, further leeching off his brother's popularity, as Punk hilariously yells at him to stop passing out "poison". He's quickly shut up by an R-Truth microphone shot and the match is underway!
 
Gallows and Truth start things off-scratch that, Gallows just tagged in Punk, who proceeds to get kicked and punched a great deal before getting clotheslined to the outside as we got to COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is nothing audacious about bacon.
 
We return to Hardy and Truth hitting a double hip toss on Punk, followed by a lame "yay, we're friends!" double elbow drop. Truth tags in and continues to beat on Punk before getting dropped on the ropes. Punk tags in Gallows, who hits a gut buster and a few corner punches before tagging back to Punk. A scoop slam and an suplex each get 2 before Punk goes to the dreaded armbar. A tag to Gallows leads to a bearhug, followed by a big boot. Punk tags in, hits a back suplex, and prepares for the springboard clothesline. I notice his hairy pecs and die a little inside. Truth blocks the clothesline with a dropkick and tags to Hardy, who comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH! (Not Jeff's). After the usual generic Matt offense, Matt goes for the cover following a legdrop, but Gallows breaks it up. Truth runs in to toss out Gallows and is tossed himself by Punk. This is followed by the ever-popular "let's keep countering the Twist of Fate!" spot until Gallows blind tags in. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate on Punk, but Gallows hits the 12th Step/Gallow's Pole/Whatever the Hell it Is for the win.
 
WINNERS: CM Punk and Luke Gallows. Loser: Laser hair removal. I'll send Punk a free session for Christmas.
 
In addition to Rey-Batista in the main event, John Morrison and Drew McIntyre will have a face-off later tonight. But enough of that! COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hey, a white woman talking about Ask Gary! This is out of the ordinary!
 
Eric Essssscobar and Vickie are in the back arguing when Teddy Long intrudes. Vickie wants to put Eric in a match with Chris Jericho. Eric responds with Spanish, which he claims translates into "I'll face anyone and you're ugly". Vickie howls like a bitch as I notice blood dripping out of my ears.
 
Kane is taking a stroll through the darkest part of the back when he runs into Mike Knox and his epic beard. Knox says he and Kane are alike and kinda-sorta proposes a team-up. Kane says no and threatens to kick Knox's ass again tonigt. Knox kinda-sorta says he'd like that. EW! Please don't make Mike Knox one of those pain=pleasure freaks! PLEASE!
 
Eric Escobar makes his way to the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: In Lego Indiana Jones, can I escape a Lego-atomic bomb by hiding inside a Lego-fridge?
 
Eric Essssscobar vs. Chris Jericho
 
Jericho slaps Escobar and Escobar responds with some punches, kicks, and clotheslines. A spinebuster gets 2. Escobar clotheslines Jericho to the outside as Vickie appears to make the match a handicap match. Hm, wonder who Jericho's partner will be?
 
Eric Essssscobar vs. Chris Jericho & Big Show (Handicap Match)
 
Yeah, this don't work out so well for Eric.
 
WINNERS: Chris Jericho and Big Show.
 
Jericho grabs a mic and says he and Show will eradicate DX at TLC. Then Big Show gets the mic and basically says the same thing. Why does Jericho even allow you to talk? The Morrison-McIntyre showdown is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Tigers and off-road racing have nothing in common.
 
It's showdown time! McIntyre is out first with a pipe-looking thing that turns out to be a rolled up magazine. Perhaps I need glasses. McIntyre is pissed because Morrison is on the cover, as well as a bunch of other young stars, but he isn't even mentioned. McIntyre says he's the future World Heavyweight Champion, people need to take notice, and that he'll make his mark by taking the IC title at TLC. This draws out Morri-OH MY GOD HE'S DRESSED AS WILLIAM WALLACE! AND I'M TALKING FACEPAINT, KILT, SWORD, SHIELD, EVERYTHING!! Sorry. I was taken aback by that. Morrison proceeds to talk in a bad Scottish accent as McIntyre seethes with rage. McIntyre says all this mocking will come back to haunt Morrison and Morrison responds by whipping out his sword. No, not like that, the one he brought with him that can cut stuff! Pervert. Speaking of cutting stuff, I think John shoulda been a little more careful when he was fooling around with that thing because he's got a little gash above his eye. For some reason, Morrison starts a Savage-esque rant about various WWE legends and makes the obligatory "Never take my (insert object you have here)" line. McIntyre gets pissy and demands Morrison drop the sword and fight him. Morrison complies and a brawl ensues, with McIntyre taking off.
 
Rey-Batista at Survivor Series recap. Batista looks to destroy Rey again tonight. Considering he's got the title shot Sunday, I like his chances to do so.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: An exercise machine that requires you to stretch muscles by punching and that's endorsed by a shoot fighter. Yes, nothing deadly about this.
 
Kane vs. Mike Knox W/ Beard
 
Knox starts off with a flurry of blows, but Kane ends that with a big boot. Knox rolls out of the ring and yanks Kane's arm over the ropes, then gets back in the ring and hits a bicycle kick. Bearded hossiness ensues for a while before Kane blocks a standing splash and hits a low dropkick for 2. Sidewalk slam also gets 2. Knox blocks the clothesline of good intentions and hits his awesome big man crossbody for 2. Knox goes for the Knox Out, but Kane says "enough of that shit" and hits a chokeslam for the win.
 
WINNER: Kane.
 
Dammit. More DX shilling. AND GOOD GOD THERE'S HORNSWOGGLE! WHY IS HE ON THIS SHOW?! GET RID OF HIM! GET RID OF HIM NOW!!!! STAY ON RAW, YOU LITTLE TROLL!!!!!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm actually kinda pissed they killed Hitler in Inglorious Basterds.
 
Mickie James and Maria vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
 
Apparently, Michelle will defend the Women's title against Mickie at TLC. Much like this match, I do not care. Not surprisingly, Michelle kicks Maria's ass for a LONG time before Maria finally manages to fight back with a hurricarana. Tags to both Mickie and Layla. Lyala gets her ass kicked, gets tossed into Michelle, and gets rolled up for the loss. Um, way to be useful.
 
WINNERS: Mickie and Maria.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How does the man grow old, but his house remains the same?
 
RAW Rebound. I hear the reason Sheamus is getting such a big push is because he's HHH's workout buddy. Striker and Tard are in the ring now to run down the TLC card. I use this opportunity to go to the bathroom and come back during COMMERCIALS!!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Droid honestly sounds like a hostile global domination plan.
 
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (Street Fight)
 
Rey starts things off with kicks and punches, but Batista nearly takes his head off with a clothesline. Batista proceeds to destroy Rey, tossing him into the turnbuckle and kicking Rey in the face. Running elbow gets 2. More punches and kicks follow, as Batista continues to dominate until Rey fights out of a powerslam attempt and sets up the 619. Batista rolls to the outside, but Rey attacks with a dropkick and a baseball slide as we go to COMMERCIALS!!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Just for giggles, "The Ballad of Gay Tony" should be a musical.
 
Batista has utilized his newfound heel powers to take control during the break. Batista whips Rey with a wire cable, then tosses Rey onto the announce table. He throws Rey into the ring and applies a camel clutch. Rey tries to fight out, but eats clothesline for his efforts. Batista grabs a chair and tries to Batista Bomb Rey onto it, but Rey fights out with punches and hits a seated senton. 619 and a springboard splash follow, but Batista kicks out at 2. Rey grabs a chair and gets a few good shots in on Batista before being speared. A spinebuster follows and as Rey tries to rise, Batista just whacks him with the chair for the win.
 
WINNER: Batista.
 
Post-match, Batista sticks Rey's head in the chair and looks to crush his throat, but the lights go out, but not in time as I can see Rey slipping out of the chair. Of course, the Undertaker is there now and Batista takes a hike to end the show.
 
Well, that was dull. Decent PPV build, but dull. See you next week, where the road to one of my favorite events, the Royal Rumble, begins.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).