WWE SmackDown Recap for December 10, 2010

Hello again, folks!  “Great” Scott’s throwing logic and good sense out the window to bring you yet another SmackDown recap.  Who cares about spending time with friends and family when I can spend two hours watching sweaty men grope each other?

This week’s recap is brought to you (most unofficially) by The Great Pumpkin.  Sure, it’s a stupid non-entity from a Charlie Brown Halloween special, but it’s not easy to come up with something with the word “great” in it every week.  I’ve got a lot going on now that’s it the holliday season, so I didn’t spend six hours looking for something…I just took one of the top Google results.  Like it or lump it.

I’m also skipping my non-wrestling rant of the week this week, but it’s for a slightly better reason.  I’m currently working on a special project for all four and a half of my readers.  It’s a special column that should be ready in the next few days.  Check back with TWF frequently…it’ll be appearing SOON! 

Now, on to the show.

We start off with some good news, as we learn that the main event is Edge and Mysterio against Kane and Alberto Del Rio.  We immediately temper that with some bad news, as Michael Cole is back at the announce table.  The needle continues to move backward through “okay” to “suck” as Kane’s music cues up and he makes his way to the ring.

Kane logically points out that Edge is the bad guy for kidnapping Paul Bearer.  Next, he begs to get Paul Bearer back.  While I agree that it is pretty stupid that Edge is the “face” in this feud, I can’t see why they’re writing Kane as a pussy.  Don’t you think Kane would do something to retaliate instead of begging like a candy ass?  Perhaps he could kidnap Lita’s gynecologist… 

Anyway, Edge comes on the screen and bores us by threatening to hit Paul Bearer with a chair.  I think he does it eventually, but the chair shot is so weak I can’t tell.  This concerns Kane enough for him to run to the back, where Edge murders another Paul Bearer dummy.  It’s official; I’m not recapping any of these skits anymore.  I purchased a Stupidity Blocker that I’ve applied to my television and I’ve set it to block out any more of these skits.

 Well, at least when we come back we don’t get more Kane/Edge stupidity.

Jack Swagger vs. Kaval

I think I might start muting the television; Michael Cole is whittling my patience to a toothpick.

Swagger takes the advantage quickly, backing Kaval to the corner and beating on him for a bit.  Kaval escapes a Swagger charge and lays in with some kicks.  Swagger prevents an Irish whip and lifts Kaval onto his shoulders.  Kaval tries to fight out, but lands awkwardly on his leg.  Swagger, intelligent fellow that he is, immediately targets the injury.  Kaval attempts to fight back, but Swagger backs him into the corner and wraps his leg around the rope.  Kaval manages a pair of chops, but that doesn’t stop Swagger from going for the gutwrench powerbomb.  Swagger gets him up, but Kaval lands three elbows and falls on top of Swagger.  Both men get up, but Kaval goes on the offensive first by getting in some more kicks and kneeing his way out of a suplex.  He follows that up with a rolling Liger kick and yet another kick to the back of Swagger’s head.  Kaval goes to the top rope and connects with a knee to Swagger’s head.  Kaval slowly tries to make his way to the top rope, but Swagger clips his leg as he stands on the apron.  Swagger drags Kaval back in and applies the ankle lock…and Kaval taps.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Rating: 

The match was good, but the pace just never seemed to pick up…I don’t know.  It certainly wasn’t as good as the Swagger/Kingston match from last week.

After the match, Swagger gets on the mic and tries to say that Kofi Kingston cheated to win last week.  He goes on for a few minutes, and the only thing I heard was his butchering of the word “unacceptable,” or “un-ax-sssssseptable,” if you’re speaking Swagger-ese.

And just because Evil Michael Cole isn’t enough to piss me off, I get to recap Hornswoggle vs. The Swagger Soarin’ Eagle.  What? You mean they’re not saving this for a pay-per-view?  Whabdafug?!?

These commercials suck.

The Slammy Awards are coming on Monday…and The Fannies are coming to FTW soon!  And your hero, “Great” Scott will be taking part…which is reason enough to celebrate!

Hornswoggle (with Rosa Mendes) vs. The Eagle (without Soarin’ or Swagger)

Couldn’t The Eagle get The Gobbledygooker to accompany him to the ring for this epic encounter?

Hornswoggle tempts The Eagle with birdseed (by “AKME,” no less…good catch, Matt Striker). After that, I pretty much tune out…as more stuff happens that I’m hoping to forget.  Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash to end things.

Winner: Hornswoggle…and no one else…at all.

Rating: ZERO Gs

Do I really need to explain myself?

I have no desire to recap these commercials…that last “match” and Evil Michael Cole are sucking the life straight out of me.

Speaking of sucking the life out of me…Teddy Long appears on my screen.  Things take a turn for the awesome as the camera pans out to Santino and Kozlov.  Santino makes things even more awesome by singing, We Are The Champions, while Kozlov holds a lighter.  This could be one of the best tag team pairings EVER!  Chavo comes in to challenge the tag team champs.  That match will be later.  I’m mildly excited.

This week’s show is a rollercoaster of good and bad, as the announce team goes into the Kingston/Ziggler match.  We get a Kingston video package and a Ziggler interview.  Ziggler actually cuts a pretty good promo about how people can relate to Kingston because they’re failures like him.  I’m getting slightly above excited about the remainder of this show.  I’m sure they’ll stick Michelle McCool in here somewhere, but I’ll stay optimistic.

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler (for the Intercontinental Championship)

Ahhhhh, Christ.  Matt Striker makes me laugh out by saying that Vickie Guerrero looks like Greg Valentine, circa Rhythm and Blues…awesome.  He immediately follows this up with a Duke “The Dumpster” Drosse reference.  Double awesome.

“Kofi,” chant starts things off.  Kingston gets a pair of quick rollups to start, but Ziggler takes control with a knee to the midsection.  Kingston fights back, but Ziggler maintains the advantage with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap.  After a failed pin attempt, Ziggler applies a cobra-clutch-looking hold.  Kingston fights up, but Ziggler fights back.  Kingston, however, regains control with a monkey flip, drop kick, and flying forearm.  He tries to finish things off with the Trouble in Paradise, but Ziggler ducks and rolls out of the ring.

Okay, these commercials are boring, so let me give you a quickie SmackDown vs. Raw 2011 review.  The game is pretty decent.  The simplified control scheme kinda’ sucks, and the graphics and sound are sub-par, but everything else is good or better.  There are about 100 match types and the roster is insane.  To top it off, you can spend 80 Microsoft points to unlock everything (including RVD, Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and TERRY FUNK!!).  The Road to Wrestlemania storylines are silly, but fun to play through…with the exception of ladder matches and matches against HHH and The Undertaker.  At least those are realistic, because neither guy sells anything.  All in all, if you haven’t purchased a wrestling game in a while, this wouldn’t be a terrible place to start. 

Anyway, when we return, Ziggler hits a sweet dropkick on Kingston.  He follows this up by measuring Kingston for a high elbow drop.  Ziggler stays in control with a rear chinlock.  Kingston gets to his feet and punches his way out, but Ziggler immediately hits a neckbreaker to put Kingston back down.  Ziggler grounds Kingston again, and keeps him down for a bit before Kingston regains his footing.  Ziggler goes for another dropkick, but Kingston moves and slingshots Ziggler into the corner.  Kingston manages to stay in control with a double axehandle, a double chop, and a dropkick.  He slams Ziggler and goes for the double leg drop, but Ziggler moves.  Kingston stays on top of Ziggler by stomping him in the corner, but he misses a corner splash.  Zigggler, however, can’t capitalize; as Kingston hits his upside down kick in the corner.  He follows by hitting a missile dropkick.  Vickie tries to distract Kingston by screaming like a banshee, and it works, as Ziggler gets a small package.  He doesn’t get the pin, but he does follow the failed pin attempt with a boot to Kingston’s face.  Ziggler tries for a superplex, but Kingston fights him off and nails a sky high cross body that gets a 2.92 count.  Kingston hoists Ziggler up for another suplex, but Ziggler slips behind and locks on a sleeper hold.  Kingston tries to escape, but Ziggler shoves him into the corner.  Ziggler tries to follow up, and walks right into Trouble in Paradise.  Kingston is worn out, so he slowly crawls over for the cover…and Jack Swagger comes out to draw the DQ.  Kinda’ expected that.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston (by DQ)

Rating: 

The match was going pretty well, but I have to take off half a point for the crummy ending.

[Content skipped by due to stupidity.]

Told ya’ I wasn’t going to recap Edge/Kane stuff.

Oh, goody…a MasterLock challenge.

Chris Masters vs. Cody Rhodes (MasterLock Challenge)

I can’t even imagine what this is going to achieve.  I would think that Tyler Reks would be a better  candidate for this; it would make a pretty decent, and logical, strong man feud.  This, however, is sure to be terrible.

Rhodes starts things out by using wet wipes to clean the chair.  Okay, that was sorta’ funny.  Rhodes is about to sit down, but thinks twice, and offers Masters a nail file to give himself a mani-pedi.  Masters retorts by slapping Rhodes.  Rhodes starts yelling at Masters, so Masters grabs him by the nose.  Rhodes throws a hissy fit, so Masters clamps on the MasterLock.  Rhodes passes out like a girl.

Winner:  Chris Masters

Rating: 

Okay, that had some decent comedy value.  Hearing Rhodes say, “This [face] was given to me by God,” was pretty funny.  Perhaps his new name should be Cody “Passive Voice” Rhodes.

Hey, a commercial for the A-Team DVD…I liked that movie.  I used to like the show, which might affect my opinion, but I really did like the revamped version.  It wasn’t one of my top ten favorite movies, but it was a good way to spend an afternoon.

Santino and Vladimir Kozlov vs. Chavo Guerrero and Drew McIntyre

These guys need to hold the tag belts FOREVER.  Hart Foundation who?

Santino and McIntyre start…with Santino getting the first move in with a clever takedown.  McIntyre smacks Santino across the ring, so he tags to Kozlov.  Kozlov beats the holy hell out of McIntyre, but the Scotsman fights back when the ref distracts Kozlov.  The heels take control when Chavo stuns Kozlov over the top rope.  McIntyre tags out to Chavo, who hits a rolling splash and maintains control with a front facelock.  The announcers are starting to annoy me with their bickering.

After a few seconds of heel offense, Kozlov escapes the front facelock and tags to Santino; Chavo tags to McIntyre.  Santino gets some shots in, but Drew takes control quickly.  He goes for the Futureshock DDT, but Chavo blind tags back in.  McIntyre doesn’t look happy, but he reluctantly leaves the ring.  Chavo goes to the top for the frog splash, but Santino moves.  He follows with The Cobra and rolls Chavo up for the win.

Winners: Santino and Kozlov

Rating: 

That match was okay.  It wasn’t exactly horrible, but it wasn’t all that great, either.  I wonder if, with enough work, if Santino could be more than a joke wrestler…we’ll probably never know.

After the match, McIntyre consoles Chavo…by crushing him with his DDT finisher.  Drew would make a terrible therapist.

[More content deleted due to stupidity.]

When we return from commercials, it’s time for the RAW Rebound!  Whee!

On RAW, Miz gets the better of Randy Orton…for about six seconds.  Alex Riley, of course, gets made to look like a piece of crap.  I have an idea…why don’t you change the name of NXT to Fodder Farm?

After a quick TLC rundown, we learn that Layla will take on Natalya NEXT!

Layla (with Michelle McCool) vs. Natalya (with Beth Phoenix)

I’m sure this Natalya/Beth friendship is going to last a looooong time.  And by “long,” I give it another three weeks, max.  At least a Natalya/Beth match will be watchable.

Layla does some pretty cool stuff to start things off, but Nattie stops her cold with her delayed pump suplex.  Layla escapes by rolling to the outside, but Nattie gives chase.  After a little bit of trickery, the action returns to the inside.  Nattie powers Layla to the corner, but Layla fights out.  Nattie clamps on the Sharpshooter a few seconds later.  Michelle tries to help her partner, but Beth stops that pretty quickly.  Layla taps out almost instantly.

Winner:  Natalya

Rating: 

That should’ve been a bit longer.  I don’t think Layla’s all that horrible, but she needs to give up the screaming crap and focus on wrestling.  I’m sure there’s an edict for her not to be better than Michelle, so I’m not holding my breath waiting for Layla to improve.

Oh, and one more thing…I DON’T WATCH THIS F’ING PROGRAM TO LISTEN TO THE SHITTY ANNOUNCERS FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER!!  QUIT THE WHINING SISSY FIGHTS AND FOCUS ON THE ACTION.  Who the hell on the WWE “creative” team figured out that we needed to focus less on in-ring product and more on a bunch of retards on the outside of the ring?  Could you imagine if this happened in any other sport?  Let’s not focus on Kobe Bryant, Derek Jeter, or Peyton Manning…let’s focus on the damned announcers!  In the immortal words of the Iron Sheik….FACKIN’ BOOLSHEET!

Well, after another set of commercials, it’s time for the main event.

Rey Mysterio and Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio and Kane

Ricardo Rodriguez = Ratings

Uh oh…things are going downhill fast.  Kane doesn’t come out, so Teddy Long comes out to say that Del Rio is going to have to fight two on one.  This is bullshit.  Actually, Kane not being in the match is probably a blessing in disguise. 

As is expected, the faces beat on Del Rio, but Del Rio fights back against Edge.  This doesn’t last long, as the faces continue to double team Del Rio.  After a bit, Rey goes for the 6:19, but Del Rio escapes, only to be baseball slide kicked through the ropes. 

Finally, Kane makes his way out.  He and Edge fight for a bit before Kane changes Edge to the back.  This leaves Del Rio and Mysterio.  Del Rio takes an early advantage, hitting a textbook gutbuster.  He continues working on Mysterio’s midsection by locking on a body scissors.  Rey fights out and proceeds to hit a trio of kicks.  A nice sequence in the corner ends with Del Rio hitting a back brain kick (Fighter Hyabusi RULZ) that sends Rey to the floor.

After waiting a moment or two, Del Rio follows Rey outside and hits a sweet kick as he leaps off the ring steps.  After slamming Rey’s head on the announce table, Del Rio rolls his opponent back in.  Del Rio tries for a superplex, but Rey blocks and sends Del Rio crashing to the mat.  Mysterio follows this up with a seated splash and his “vintage” leap up bulldog.  Rey tries to maintain control, but Del Rio busts out a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  After a faile dpin attempt, the two men go through a bonkers sequence that ends with a 619.  Rey follows this up with a splash off the top rope, which is enough to get the pinfall victory.

Winners:  Rey Mysterio and Edge

Rating:   (if you cut out the stupid foolishness)

Why couldn’t they just have had these two matches separately and kept the stupidity contained to the Edge/Kane affair?  Nevertheless, the non-stupid stuff was actually pretty good.

Before ending the show…

[Content omitted due to excessive stupidity.]

I’m glad I got this Stupidity Omitter…they sell them at Radio Shack for $25.99…really.

Well, that’s the end of another up-and-down program.  The awards shouldn’t be too tough to give out this week.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  Santino’s rendition of We Are The Champions narrowly edges out the Intercontinental Championship match.  If only it had ended cleanly, I would’ve gone that way.

The Not So Great Thing of the Night:  You would think it was the midget vs. mascot match, or the “We’re Stealing This from South Park” Kane/Edge angle, but it’s the stupid ass in-fighting with the announcers that wins this prize.

That’s all for me, “Great” Scott.  Good luck with your holiday shopping…I can’t afford to lose any readers to the holiday crowds!  Stay safe!