WWE SmackDown Recap for December 3,
2010
Hello again, everyone.
I’m “Great” Scott and I have returned from my
self-imposed post-Survivor Series hiatus to bring you
the very best SmackDown recap TWF has to offer (because
I’m the only one who does it).
I
was going to do a really clever pre- and post-King of
the Ring edition of this recap, but I haven’t been
feeling too well this last week, and with Thanksgiving
and all…ah, who am I kidding, I just didn’t want to
watch 10-plus hours of wrestling in a two-week span.
Them’s the facts.
However, I’m back now, and I’ll actually put a full
effort into this week’s recap.
So sit back, grab your favorite flavor of Fanta
and a bag of Bugles, and read on.
This week’s recap is brought to you by the Unofficial
Sponsor of the Week: The Great Wall of China. Yep, I’m being
(unofficially) sponsored by a 5,500-plus-mile-long
structure that was built over 2,200 years ago. My column is so
famous that world landmarks are lining up to sponsor
me…you’d better believe it!! Read more about
this incredible feat of architecture, HERE.
Before we get to the show, I’d like to take a minute to
present my non-wrestling rant of the week. This week, I’d
like to talk about a disturbing trend in marketing that
annoys me more and more by the day.
I
was reading a magazine the other day and I see an
advertisement for Mountain Dew (or MTN Dew…because
vowels apparently aren’t EXTREME anymore) White Out.
While I realize that this soda doesn’t contain
correctional fluid (or liquid paper, if you will), I
have absolutely no idea what the hell it DOES contain. Why can’t these
stupid companies name a product something that indicates
what it’s supposed to taste like? I think this
started to bother me when I couldn’t figure out what Dr.
Pepper was supposed to be. This frustration
continued when Gatorade stopped making flavors like
“orange” and “lemon lime” and started making flavors
like “Crushing Gush” and “Super Disco Whirlwind Blast.”
Now, Mountain Dew has jumped on the bandwagon
with flavors like “Code Red,” “Baja Blast,” and “White
Out.” These
new flavors don’t even look natural…they look like
something that turns a geeky kid into a superhero in the
comic books.
To conclude, I’m not saying that product marketing can’t
be creative, but at least include something in the title
of the drink.
Is “Baja Berry Blast” really any stupider than
“Baja Blast?”
I don’t want to have to read fine print to figure
out what the hell I’m drinking.
Well, now that I’ve relieved myself of some pent-up
frustration, let’s get on to the show!
We start immediately with really tall ladders and a
really short wrestler, as Rey Mysterio’s music cues up
out of the gate.
And because he hasn’t stolen enough parents’
hard-earned money, he’s wearing a new shirt. A few kids in
the front row get forehead-to-forehead kisses, and only
one seems to be happy about it.
Anyway,
Rey blames his failure in the King of the Ring
tournament on Alberto Del Rio. Rey also shows
how he cost
The two superstars take turns trying to intimidate each
other, until
Legendary and Knucklehead are available for Christmas!! Get them for
someone you hate!
Look out!!
Androids are hiding in your snowman!!
I don’t care how good Burger King’s chicken sandwiches
are, I’m not having a guy butt hump me so I can hold two
of them. Is
Burger King capable of doing a non-creepy commercial?
Hey, the Miz won a world championship! Anyone who’s not
Randy Orton is okay by me.
Kaitlyn is hot and she’s on SmackDown!! Merry Christmas
to me!
The next match seems kinda’ odd, as it’s…
Dolph Ziggler (with Obnoxious
McFatterstein) and Drew McIntryre vs. MVP and Kaval
Okay, at least the teams are even, with one under-pushed
good performer and one over-pushed average performer on
each team.
Seriously, please don’t keep going to Michael Cole…I
can’t believe he’s announcer on both shows. If Kaitlyn is a
good Christmas present, Michael Cole is a pack of
ill-fitting underpants. I actually
watched most of RAW, and I’ve had enough of Cole to last
me three lifetimes.
MVP starts with McIntyre. MVP goes right
to a side headlock and follows it up with a
shoulderblock and splash. MVP backs into
his own corner and Kaval tags in. The faces do a
pretty cool double-team move, but McIntyre fights back.
Unfortunately, his offense doesn’t last long, as
Kaval and MVP maintain control. Eventually, Drew
manages to tag to Ziggler, but MVP starts in on him
right out of the gate. A little
miscommunication follows, but eventually, McIntyre
distracts MVP long enough for Ziggler to…oops, MVP moves
and Ziggler goes flying. With both heels
on the floor, MVP gets on his hands and knees and Kaval
launches himself to the outside. That was pretty
nifty. So
nifty, in fact, that we need to take a commercial break.
What kind of a woman has sex with MULTIPLE geckos?
When we return, Ziggler is beating on MVP. MVP, however,
fights back with clotheslines, his HHH ripoff knee drop,
and the Ballin’ Elbow. McIntyre gets
involved again, so Ziggler clips MVP’s leg. Ziggler tags out
and McIntyre drops a series of elbows on MVP’s knee.
Ziggler tags back in, and the heels do the
wishbone leg pull.
Ziggler stays in control and tags back out to
McIntyre, who doesn’t do much of anything. MVP escapes from
a leg lock and tries for a tag, but Ziggler tags in and
stops it.
It doesn’t take MVP long to make it to his corner
to tag Kaval.
Kaval unleashes about 16 different kicks on
Ziggler before going for a pin, but Drew McIntyre makes
the save.
MVP attacks McIntyre, but ends up getting sent
into the announce table. In the ring,
Kaval applies a dragon sleeper on Ziggler, so Vickie
distracts the ref so McIntyre can sock Kaval in the
head. This
stuns Kaval long enough for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag
for the win.
Winners: Dolph Ziggler
and Drew McIntyre
Rating:
That match wasn’t too bad. I don’t really
know what the purpose of the match was, but it was
decent and did a nice job of putting everyone over.
To ruin any momentum this show may have had, Kane’s pyro
goes off and he comes down to the ring. He beats on the
faces and screams for Edge to give back Paul Bearer.
Edge says that he will, so Kane heads to the back
to get him.
Because we all care about this angle sooooooo
much, they build suspense by going to commercials. Man, I can’t
WAIT to see what that crazy Edge has up his sleeve!!
Upon our return from the break, we don’t go to the
thrilling Edge/Kane story, we go to the EVEN MORE
THRILLING Nexus/Cena angle instead. This further
shows how gutless the WWE writers are, as they “retire”
Cena, only to have him on the show MORE THAN WHEN HE
WASN’T RETIRED!!
Seriously, folks, your show can exist without
John Cena…I promise. I know he’s a
big cash cow with his awesome movies that gross $14.32
and all, but this stupid plotline has more holes than a
Swiss cheese factory…if there really is such a thing as
a Swiss cheese factory.
After
that illogical mess, we return to Kane shouting for Paul
Bearer.
Edge, who said there would be no silliness,
continues to play tricks on Kane by pushing Bearer
around in the wheelchair, while dropping crates on a
dummy Paul Bearer.
Boy, this makes Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner
look like high art. And Edge is the
FACE in this?
If you insist.
After commercials, we learn that Edge is fighting Kane
tonight, and the winner gets to decide the stipulation
for their match at TLC.
The next match will determine the number one contender
for the IC belt.
Okay, cool.
Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger (without
the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle…bummer)
This has potential.
Swagger starts with a front facelock. Kofi gets to the
ropes and things start all over again. The announcers
bicker and piss me off. The two men lock
up, and I notice that Swagger’s boot is untied…you could
trip on that, young man! The two men are
still pretty tentative. Swagger slips
behind Kingston, who instantly reverses. Swagger tries to
apply the ankle lock, but Kingston escapes. Kingston goes
for Trouble in Paradise, but Swagger moves. Swagger takes
the advantage with a kick and a series of knee lifts to
Kingston’s midsection. Swagger stays in
control until Kingston stops a charge with a series of
kicks. The
two men bounce around a bit until Kingston hits a seated
dropkick on Swagger. Some fast-paced
action follows, punctuated with Swagger tossing Kingston
off the top rope ala Kurt Angle. Kingston rolls
out of the ring, so we go to commercials.
We come back to see Swagger dropping a leg on Kingston’s
chest. He
follows up with a double chicken wing. Kingston fights
to his feet and punches out of the hold. Kingston can’t
capitalize, though, as Swagger hits a pair of tackles on
Kingston’s knee.
Swagger maintains control by beating Kingston in
the corner and choking him on the bottom rope. After a failed
pin attempt, Swagger applies an armbar.
After a few seconds, Kingston gets to his feet and lands
some punches.
He bounces off the rope and ends up in a Swagger
abdominal stretch.
Swagger releases the hold and lays in some
punches, which he follows with a rolling front facelock.
Swagger somehow ends up on the outside, and this
allows Kingston to do some crazy weird stuff outside the
ring, including a leaping punch off the ring steps. With both men
laid out, the ref starts the count. Kingston makes
it in at eight; Swagger makes it in at nine.
In the ring, Kingston punches away on Swagger in the
corner.
Swagger tries to charge, but Kingston lays in
with chops and a dropkick. Swagger tries to
stop Kingston’s momentum, but Kingston hits his rolling
powerbomb-looking thing. After a back and
forth, Swagger tries to hit the gutwrench powerbomb, but
Kingston flips out. Swagger,
however, nails Kingston with a big boot to stay on top.
Swagger goes for his Vader splash in the corner,
and Kingston hilariously trips him into the middle
turnbuckle.
Things get insane at this point, with the action
going too fast for me to keep up. Holy shit, this
is a good match.
Both men have their finishers blocked. Kingston ends up
on the outside after Swagger blocks a kick, but when
Swagger goes to follow him, Kingston hits Trouble in
Paradise from the floor to the apron to knock out
Swagger.
The pin is academic after that.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Rating:
That match was as good as anything you’re going to see
on WWE TV.
Sure, there were some rough edges, but they really did a
great job building suspense as the match progressed.
After that, another wacky Kane/Edge skit. Man, Kane sure
is gullible…that’s the third mannequin killing he’s
fallen for.
Chris Masters vs. Cody Rhodes
Rhodes jumps the gun and kicks the crap out of Masters. Masters
threatens to punch Rhodes in the face, so he tries to
retreat to the apron, only to fall prey to the
MasterLock.
Rhodes, however, grabs the ropes, then stuns
Masters over top.
Rhodes takes control with punches, kicks, a side
Russian leg sweep and a chinlock. Masters powers
out of the chinlock, but Rhodes uses the hair (plugs) to
take Masters back down. Rhodes uses a
top overhand wristlock for a bit, but Masters powers out
again.
Masters follows up with a Samoan drop, a chop,
and a pair of clotheslines. After that,
Masters hits a backbody drop and another chop. After a bit of
back and forth, Rhodes hits his leaping kick (the
Beautiful Disaster…really?) and follows that up with the
CrossRhodes for the victory.
Winner:
Cody Rhodes
Rating:
That match wasn’t terrible. It seemed like a
throw-in match, so I really didn’t get into it. Nothing was
wrong with it, but it didn’t thrill me. If this means no
Cody Rhodes grooming tips, I’ll throw in an extra half
“G.”
Before we return to the ring, we have to sit through a
montage of clips of the Kane/Edge feud that’s still
going on…ON THIS SHOW!!
This is becoming agonizing. You spend all
this time building up Kane as a crazy juggernaut, and
then you make him look like a tool...fantastic logic.
Well, I guess we’re pitching the rest of this show in
the garbage…
Rosa Mendes vs. Layla (with Michelle
McCool)
Layla mocks Rosa, so Rosa kicks her in her bum (since
she’s British now).
Layla screams a lot, so Rosa smacks her not once,
but TWICE.
The match lasts about another 15 seconds, as
Layla hits the Rude Awakening to get the win after some
shenanigans.
Winner:
Layla
Rating:
The only reason for this star is Rosa’s hotness and the
fact that the match was under a minute.
After the match, Hornswoggle comes out to protect Rosa,
and then Beth Phoenix comes out to protect Hornswoggle. Then, THE
SWAGGER SOARIN’ EAGLE comes out to challenge
Hornswoggle.
Eventually, Beth Phoenix hits the double chicken
wing slam on the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle. So a Phoenix
used a chicken wing on an eagle…wow, this segment was a
regular Audubon Society.
After the break, it’s time for the RAW Rebound. On RAW, The Miz
fought Jerry Lawler in a match I’d rather watch 10 times
in a row than anything involving Randy Orton, Mark
Henry, or Kane.
Miz did a great job carrying Lawler and both men
looked decent.
I’m sure it was a birthday gift to Lawler, and it
really wasn’t all that bad. I’m reeeeeeeally
getting sick of Michael Cole because he’s a horrible
heel. I
don’t care about him and they keep cramming him down my
throat.
He’s the Jar Jar Binks of WWE programming. I don’t hate him
because he’s a well-written heel, I hate him because
he’s a DORK that has no business being a heel.
After the next commercial, we start up our main event…
Kane vs. Edge
18 minutes left in the show? Oh boy, I see a
lot of rest holds and goofiness in my future!
Edge runs away (out of the ring) from Kane, but hits a
baseball slide as Kane follows him back into the ring.
Kane catches Edge on a leap and starts to beat on him
back in the ring.
I really can’t even recap this match…it’s so damned
boring.
It’s like everything is taking place in slow
motion.
When I refocus on the match, Kane hits a sloppy dropkick
to a seated Edge, and then he follows up with three or
four elbow drops.
Since he does more than two moves, he’s required
to apply a rest hold. After another
move or two, Kane charges and Edge pulls down the top
rope. Kane
gets back up on the apron, so Edge spears him off. We’re having so
much fun that we need to go to commercials to catch our
collective breath.
We’re back, and Edge is instantly crotched on the top
rope. Kane
attempts a superplex, but Edge thwarts him…only to jump
into a Kane uppercut. After a failed
pin, Kane punches away and then applies another rest
hold. When
Edge gets up, he hits some punches and a leaping
forearm, but gets tossed outside after he tries to
charge Kane.
Outside the ring, Edge escapes from Kane’s
clutches and sends the Big Red Monster (who really
doesn’t wear anything red) to the ring steps. He follows with
a leaping strike from the steps.
Back in the ring, Edge stays in control, but can’t get a
pin. Kane
tries to pull off a powerslam (or tombstone), but Edge
slips out and hits the Edge-o-matic. Unfortunately,
it isn’t long before Edge walks into a Kane side slam.
Kane follows by going to the top, where he hits his “No,
I don’t hit the ground first,” flying clothesline. Kane tries to
put Edge away with a chokeslam, but Edge dodges the
bullet and hits the leaping DDT. Edge sets up for
the spear…and runs right into a clothesline. Kane signals for
another chokeslam...when SOMEHOW, Paul Bearer gets a
hold of a cameraman and starts screaming for Kane to
free him.
Huh?!?
Hey, idiot, just pay the cameraman 10 bucks to
untie you!!
Anyway, Kane is emotionally torn…he goes to free
Bearer, but ends up returning to the ring, only to get
speared.
Edge gets the pinfall victory.
Winner:
Edge
Rating:
Ugh. I will admit
that the match picked up a little at the end…but it
still didn’t do much to make me care.
After the match, Edge picks his stipulation…which is
tables, ladders, and chairs…which is so amazingly clever
considering the name of the pay-per-view is TABLES,
LADDERS, AND CHAIRS!!! That’s like
surprising all your friends at Chick-fil-a by ordering
a….CHICKEN SANDWICH!!
And because this hasn’t gotten stupid enough, Edge
brings out another fake Paul Bearer, and of course Kane
falls for it.
That’s all…I’m not recapping this crap anymore.
That’s the end of another show. Let’s hand out
some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The
Kingston/Swagger match wins, hands down.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: For once, I’m
not voting for Hornswoggle…as the Kane/Edge stupidity
actually annoyed me a great deal more.
That’s it for this week’s very special recap. I hope enjoyed
reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it…err,
actually, scratch that, because I really didn’t enjoy
writing it all that much. Anyway, have a
“great” week…see you next Friday!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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