WWE SmackDown Recap for December 3,
Hello again, everyone. I’m “Great” Scott and I have returned from my self-imposed post-Survivor Series hiatus to bring you the very best SmackDown recap TWF has to offer (because I’m the only one who does it).
I was going to do a really clever pre- and post-King of the Ring edition of this recap, but I haven’t been feeling too well this last week, and with Thanksgiving and all…ah, who am I kidding, I just didn’t want to watch 10-plus hours of wrestling in a two-week span. Them’s the facts.
However, I’m back now, and I’ll actually put a full effort into this week’s recap. So sit back, grab your favorite flavor of Fanta and a bag of Bugles, and read on.
This week’s recap is brought to you by the Unofficial Sponsor of the Week: The Great Wall of China. Yep, I’m being (unofficially) sponsored by a 5,500-plus-mile-long structure that was built over 2,200 years ago. My column is so famous that world landmarks are lining up to sponsor me…you’d better believe it!! Read more about this incredible feat of architecture, HERE.
Before we get to the show, I’d like to take a minute to present my non-wrestling rant of the week. This week, I’d like to talk about a disturbing trend in marketing that annoys me more and more by the day.
I was reading a magazine the other day and I see an advertisement for Mountain Dew (or MTN Dew…because vowels apparently aren’t EXTREME anymore) White Out. While I realize that this soda doesn’t contain correctional fluid (or liquid paper, if you will), I have absolutely no idea what the hell it DOES contain. Why can’t these stupid companies name a product something that indicates what it’s supposed to taste like? I think this started to bother me when I couldn’t figure out what Dr. Pepper was supposed to be. This frustration continued when Gatorade stopped making flavors like “orange” and “lemon lime” and started making flavors like “Crushing Gush” and “Super Disco Whirlwind Blast.” Now, Mountain Dew has jumped on the bandwagon with flavors like “Code Red,” “Baja Blast,” and “White Out.” These new flavors don’t even look natural…they look like something that turns a geeky kid into a superhero in the comic books.
To conclude, I’m not saying that product marketing can’t be creative, but at least include something in the title of the drink. Is “Baja Berry Blast” really any stupider than “Baja Blast?” I don’t want to have to read fine print to figure out what the hell I’m drinking.
Well, now that I’ve relieved myself of some pent-up frustration, let’s get on to the show!
We start immediately with really tall ladders and a really short wrestler, as Rey Mysterio’s music cues up out of the gate. And because he hasn’t stolen enough parents’ hard-earned money, he’s wearing a new shirt. A few kids in the front row get forehead-to-forehead kisses, and only one seems to be happy about it.
Rey blames his failure in the King of the Ring
tournament on Alberto Del Rio. Rey also shows
how he cost
The two superstars take turns trying to intimidate each
Legendary and Knucklehead are available for Christmas!! Get them for someone you hate!
Look out!! Androids are hiding in your snowman!!
I don’t care how good Burger King’s chicken sandwiches are, I’m not having a guy butt hump me so I can hold two of them. Is Burger King capable of doing a non-creepy commercial?
Hey, the Miz won a world championship! Anyone who’s not Randy Orton is okay by me.
Kaitlyn is hot and she’s on SmackDown!! Merry Christmas to me!
The next match seems kinda’ odd, as it’s…
Dolph Ziggler (with Obnoxious McFatterstein) and Drew McIntryre vs. MVP and Kaval
Okay, at least the teams are even, with one under-pushed good performer and one over-pushed average performer on each team.
Seriously, please don’t keep going to Michael Cole…I can’t believe he’s announcer on both shows. If Kaitlyn is a good Christmas present, Michael Cole is a pack of ill-fitting underpants. I actually watched most of RAW, and I’ve had enough of Cole to last me three lifetimes.
MVP starts with McIntyre. MVP goes right to a side headlock and follows it up with a shoulderblock and splash. MVP backs into his own corner and Kaval tags in. The faces do a pretty cool double-team move, but McIntyre fights back. Unfortunately, his offense doesn’t last long, as Kaval and MVP maintain control. Eventually, Drew manages to tag to Ziggler, but MVP starts in on him right out of the gate. A little miscommunication follows, but eventually, McIntyre distracts MVP long enough for Ziggler to…oops, MVP moves and Ziggler goes flying. With both heels on the floor, MVP gets on his hands and knees and Kaval launches himself to the outside. That was pretty nifty. So nifty, in fact, that we need to take a commercial break.
What kind of a woman has sex with MULTIPLE geckos?
When we return, Ziggler is beating on MVP. MVP, however, fights back with clotheslines, his HHH ripoff knee drop, and the Ballin’ Elbow. McIntyre gets involved again, so Ziggler clips MVP’s leg. Ziggler tags out and McIntyre drops a series of elbows on MVP’s knee. Ziggler tags back in, and the heels do the wishbone leg pull. Ziggler stays in control and tags back out to McIntyre, who doesn’t do much of anything. MVP escapes from a leg lock and tries for a tag, but Ziggler tags in and stops it. It doesn’t take MVP long to make it to his corner to tag Kaval. Kaval unleashes about 16 different kicks on Ziggler before going for a pin, but Drew McIntyre makes the save. MVP attacks McIntyre, but ends up getting sent into the announce table. In the ring, Kaval applies a dragon sleeper on Ziggler, so Vickie distracts the ref so McIntyre can sock Kaval in the head. This stuns Kaval long enough for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for the win.
Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre
That match wasn’t too bad. I don’t really know what the purpose of the match was, but it was decent and did a nice job of putting everyone over.
To ruin any momentum this show may have had, Kane’s pyro goes off and he comes down to the ring. He beats on the faces and screams for Edge to give back Paul Bearer. Edge says that he will, so Kane heads to the back to get him. Because we all care about this angle sooooooo much, they build suspense by going to commercials. Man, I can’t WAIT to see what that crazy Edge has up his sleeve!!
Upon our return from the break, we don’t go to the thrilling Edge/Kane story, we go to the EVEN MORE THRILLING Nexus/Cena angle instead. This further shows how gutless the WWE writers are, as they “retire” Cena, only to have him on the show MORE THAN WHEN HE WASN’T RETIRED!! Seriously, folks, your show can exist without John Cena…I promise. I know he’s a big cash cow with his awesome movies that gross $14.32 and all, but this stupid plotline has more holes than a Swiss cheese factory…if there really is such a thing as a Swiss cheese factory.
After that illogical mess, we return to Kane shouting for Paul Bearer. Edge, who said there would be no silliness, continues to play tricks on Kane by pushing Bearer around in the wheelchair, while dropping crates on a dummy Paul Bearer. Boy, this makes Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner look like high art. And Edge is the FACE in this? If you insist.
After commercials, we learn that Edge is fighting Kane tonight, and the winner gets to decide the stipulation for their match at TLC.
The next match will determine the number one contender for the IC belt. Okay, cool.
Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger (without the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle…bummer)
This has potential.
Swagger starts with a front facelock. Kofi gets to the ropes and things start all over again. The announcers bicker and piss me off. The two men lock up, and I notice that Swagger’s boot is untied…you could trip on that, young man! The two men are still pretty tentative. Swagger slips behind Kingston, who instantly reverses. Swagger tries to apply the ankle lock, but Kingston escapes. Kingston goes for Trouble in Paradise, but Swagger moves. Swagger takes the advantage with a kick and a series of knee lifts to Kingston’s midsection. Swagger stays in control until Kingston stops a charge with a series of kicks. The two men bounce around a bit until Kingston hits a seated dropkick on Swagger. Some fast-paced action follows, punctuated with Swagger tossing Kingston off the top rope ala Kurt Angle. Kingston rolls out of the ring, so we go to commercials.
We come back to see Swagger dropping a leg on Kingston’s chest. He follows up with a double chicken wing. Kingston fights to his feet and punches out of the hold. Kingston can’t capitalize, though, as Swagger hits a pair of tackles on Kingston’s knee. Swagger maintains control by beating Kingston in the corner and choking him on the bottom rope. After a failed pin attempt, Swagger applies an armbar.
After a few seconds, Kingston gets to his feet and lands some punches. He bounces off the rope and ends up in a Swagger abdominal stretch. Swagger releases the hold and lays in some punches, which he follows with a rolling front facelock. Swagger somehow ends up on the outside, and this allows Kingston to do some crazy weird stuff outside the ring, including a leaping punch off the ring steps. With both men laid out, the ref starts the count. Kingston makes it in at eight; Swagger makes it in at nine.
In the ring, Kingston punches away on Swagger in the corner. Swagger tries to charge, but Kingston lays in with chops and a dropkick. Swagger tries to stop Kingston’s momentum, but Kingston hits his rolling powerbomb-looking thing. After a back and forth, Swagger tries to hit the gutwrench powerbomb, but Kingston flips out. Swagger, however, nails Kingston with a big boot to stay on top. Swagger goes for his Vader splash in the corner, and Kingston hilariously trips him into the middle turnbuckle. Things get insane at this point, with the action going too fast for me to keep up. Holy shit, this is a good match. Both men have their finishers blocked. Kingston ends up on the outside after Swagger blocks a kick, but when Swagger goes to follow him, Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise from the floor to the apron to knock out Swagger. The pin is academic after that.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
That match was as good as anything you’re going to see on WWE TV. Sure, there were some rough edges, but they really did a great job building suspense as the match progressed.
After that, another wacky Kane/Edge skit. Man, Kane sure is gullible…that’s the third mannequin killing he’s fallen for.
Chris Masters vs. Cody Rhodes
Rhodes jumps the gun and kicks the crap out of Masters. Masters threatens to punch Rhodes in the face, so he tries to retreat to the apron, only to fall prey to the MasterLock. Rhodes, however, grabs the ropes, then stuns Masters over top. Rhodes takes control with punches, kicks, a side Russian leg sweep and a chinlock. Masters powers out of the chinlock, but Rhodes uses the hair (plugs) to take Masters back down. Rhodes uses a top overhand wristlock for a bit, but Masters powers out again. Masters follows up with a Samoan drop, a chop, and a pair of clotheslines. After that, Masters hits a backbody drop and another chop. After a bit of back and forth, Rhodes hits his leaping kick (the Beautiful Disaster…really?) and follows that up with the CrossRhodes for the victory.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
That match wasn’t terrible. It seemed like a throw-in match, so I really didn’t get into it. Nothing was wrong with it, but it didn’t thrill me. If this means no Cody Rhodes grooming tips, I’ll throw in an extra half “G.”
Before we return to the ring, we have to sit through a montage of clips of the Kane/Edge feud that’s still going on…ON THIS SHOW!! This is becoming agonizing. You spend all this time building up Kane as a crazy juggernaut, and then you make him look like a tool...fantastic logic.
Well, I guess we’re pitching the rest of this show in the garbage…
Rosa Mendes vs. Layla (with Michelle McCool)
Layla mocks Rosa, so Rosa kicks her in her bum (since she’s British now). Layla screams a lot, so Rosa smacks her not once, but TWICE. The match lasts about another 15 seconds, as Layla hits the Rude Awakening to get the win after some shenanigans.
The only reason for this star is Rosa’s hotness and the fact that the match was under a minute.
After the match, Hornswoggle comes out to protect Rosa, and then Beth Phoenix comes out to protect Hornswoggle. Then, THE SWAGGER SOARIN’ EAGLE comes out to challenge Hornswoggle. Eventually, Beth Phoenix hits the double chicken wing slam on the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle. So a Phoenix used a chicken wing on an eagle…wow, this segment was a regular Audubon Society.
After the break, it’s time for the RAW Rebound. On RAW, The Miz fought Jerry Lawler in a match I’d rather watch 10 times in a row than anything involving Randy Orton, Mark Henry, or Kane. Miz did a great job carrying Lawler and both men looked decent. I’m sure it was a birthday gift to Lawler, and it really wasn’t all that bad. I’m reeeeeeeally getting sick of Michael Cole because he’s a horrible heel. I don’t care about him and they keep cramming him down my throat. He’s the Jar Jar Binks of WWE programming. I don’t hate him because he’s a well-written heel, I hate him because he’s a DORK that has no business being a heel.
After the next commercial, we start up our main event…
Kane vs. Edge
18 minutes left in the show? Oh boy, I see a lot of rest holds and goofiness in my future!
Edge runs away (out of the ring) from Kane, but hits a baseball slide as Kane follows him back into the ring. Kane catches Edge on a leap and starts to beat on him back in the ring. I really can’t even recap this match…it’s so damned boring. It’s like everything is taking place in slow motion.
When I refocus on the match, Kane hits a sloppy dropkick to a seated Edge, and then he follows up with three or four elbow drops. Since he does more than two moves, he’s required to apply a rest hold. After another move or two, Kane charges and Edge pulls down the top rope. Kane gets back up on the apron, so Edge spears him off. We’re having so much fun that we need to go to commercials to catch our collective breath.
We’re back, and Edge is instantly crotched on the top rope. Kane attempts a superplex, but Edge thwarts him…only to jump into a Kane uppercut. After a failed pin, Kane punches away and then applies another rest hold. When Edge gets up, he hits some punches and a leaping forearm, but gets tossed outside after he tries to charge Kane. Outside the ring, Edge escapes from Kane’s clutches and sends the Big Red Monster (who really doesn’t wear anything red) to the ring steps. He follows with a leaping strike from the steps.
Back in the ring, Edge stays in control, but can’t get a pin. Kane tries to pull off a powerslam (or tombstone), but Edge slips out and hits the Edge-o-matic. Unfortunately, it isn’t long before Edge walks into a Kane side slam. Kane follows by going to the top, where he hits his “No, I don’t hit the ground first,” flying clothesline. Kane tries to put Edge away with a chokeslam, but Edge dodges the bullet and hits the leaping DDT. Edge sets up for the spear…and runs right into a clothesline. Kane signals for another chokeslam...when SOMEHOW, Paul Bearer gets a hold of a cameraman and starts screaming for Kane to free him. Huh?!? Hey, idiot, just pay the cameraman 10 bucks to untie you!! Anyway, Kane is emotionally torn…he goes to free Bearer, but ends up returning to the ring, only to get speared. Edge gets the pinfall victory.
Ugh. I will admit that the match picked up a little at the end…but it still didn’t do much to make me care.
After the match, Edge picks his stipulation…which is tables, ladders, and chairs…which is so amazingly clever considering the name of the pay-per-view is TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS!!! That’s like surprising all your friends at Chick-fil-a by ordering a….CHICKEN SANDWICH!!
And because this hasn’t gotten stupid enough, Edge brings out another fake Paul Bearer, and of course Kane falls for it. That’s all…I’m not recapping this crap anymore.
That’s the end of another show. Let’s hand out some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The Kingston/Swagger match wins, hands down.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: For once, I’m not voting for Hornswoggle…as the Kane/Edge stupidity actually annoyed me a great deal more.
That’s it for this week’s very special recap. I hope enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it…err, actually, scratch that, because I really didn’t enjoy writing it all that much. Anyway, have a “great” week…see you next Friday!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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