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Bonjour! It's a late one this week, thanks in no small part to a colossal hangover I endured. A two-dayer. I'm thinking it was all that booze I drank on Friday. Yeah. So it's Survivor Series this Sunday. The second-oldest PPV and a personal favourite of mine along with the Royal Rumble. I have high hopes for this one actually. I like where it's going. Moving Randy Orton out of the WWE Championship picture is a good idea, using him to elevate Kofi is even better. Part of me somehow thinks they're gonna put the WWE strap on Shawn again, because, well... Triple H needs another title run like I need a breast reduction. That is, not at all. I'm very happy with my bust. I can sorta see Cena retaining though - but it would be a little boring if both World titles were retained; Taker isn't really in the best shape at the moment and seems to be a transitional champion at the best of times nowadays. Anyway, we'll see. PS - Roddy Piper on RAW... yikes. Just a water
for me, thanks.

We're underway, and our main event is the Brothers of Destruction against Jeri-Show, and our REAL main event is John Morrison against Dolph Ziggler in a 2 out of 3 falls match for the Intercontinental match. Yowza!

HELLO DAVE! Yes, Teest is ambling out to a pretty solid sea of boos. He's introduced, amusingly, as a former World Heavyweight Champion. Way to rub it in, Chimel. He hasn't done his machine-gun stuff since he turned heel, has he? Good. He always screwed it up. Oh lordy, it's the rematch we've all been waiting for!

Batista vs Matt Hardy

Teest looks really pissed off, and he runs right into Matt, who peppers him with punches, and when Teest escapes outside, Matt follows. Matt actually takes charge for a few moments until Batista shoves him into the turnbuckles and plants him with a big powerslam for two. Stomps follow, and DAVE breaks out his super-gay body scissors. Batista gently thrusts against Matt's back for a few seconds before turning it into a devastating chinlock. Matt stands up and turns it into a crappy jawbreaker. Matt scores an elbow from the second rope and looks for a Twist Of Fate, but Batista turns it around, looking for a Batista Bomb, but Matt scores a quick DDT for two. Matt looks surprisingly strong before getting floored by a chop block. He manages to trip Batista into the turnbuckles and goes for some punches in the corner, but Batista just slips out and drops him onto the top buckle before hitting a pair of Spinebusters. A pause, then a third Spinebuster, and now
 Matt just looks like a punching bag. Batista Bomb follows, and that's it.
Winner: Batista
Rating: **1/2

Serviceable, I guess. Wasn't a full-on squash, which was good. I've seen far worse from both guys. DAVE looked admirably pissed off throughout. He skulks out of the ring and we get a recap of the EPIC contract signing. It was very funny the way Batista kicked his legs when he had the table on top of him. Backstage, Batista is confronted by Josh Matthews and he moans about Rey for a minute. He's embarrassed. Ooh.

So JR isn't returning until WrestleMania? And SEAN MOONEY has re-signed?! Crazy.

Mega-epic vid package covers the history of Taker/Kane as a team. Many, many chokeslams. So Kane's a face again. I guess that's all it takes - wheel out the Brothers of Destruction and Kane's an automatic face.

Teddy time now, backstage. Vickie and Eric 'The Valet' Essssscobar confront him and yammer for a minute. Teddy says he doesn't need her advice and he never will, then he tells them to get the fuck out. Then Vince walks in wearing a mesmerisingly dreadful suit which makes him look like an armchair. He names Vickie a consultant for SmackDown and she screams like a fucking bitch. God I hate this ridiculous woman. Shut up, now. NOW. Ah, here's a rarity - Drew McIntyre in an actual match. Oh, it's against Finlay
 again. A technical masterclass awaits!

Drew McIntyre vs Finlay

McIntyre gets on the mic before the match and says Finlay reminds him of a little old lady, before uttering the most redundant sentence I've ever heard. "Finlay says he loves to fight. Them's fighting words. So get out here, and fight." So, he does. He apparently has internal bruising from last week's beatdown, but he isn't selling it at all. I was expecting the bandage treatment, but nada. Finlay immediately lays into McIntyre, who escapes, but Finlay stays in pursuit with many, many punches. Finlay kicks the shit out of McIntyre for a few minutes. The ref has to hold him back. McIntyre pokes Finlay in the eye and hits his Double Underhook DDT for the win. Epic!
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Rating: **

Eh, at least it had a finish. It did its job. I was seriously expecting another no contest. It was hardly Savage/Steamboat, of course.

Another impressive sea of boos greets CM Punk as he comes out for a promo. He looks the part now, with his scruffy beard. Wait, what's going on. There's a table in the ring with three white buckets on it, each with a red 'X' on it. And there's a trashcan in the ring. He's holding a 'straight edge intervention'. He calls out for people to admit they have a problem. He wants us to touch the screen and admit we're all addicts. I didn't do this. There is an elderly gentleman in the front row bellowing 'you suck!'. He says he's gonna teach us how to survive. He lifts the first bucket to reveal a carton of amusingly generic CIGARETTES. We might as well be throwing our lungs in the garbage! He throws the cigarettes into the trash can. Under the second bucket is a bottle of 'prescription medication'. It's FAILURE IN A BOTTLE. They go into the trash can too. Under the third bucket is a bottle of whiskey, which gets a pop. He says 'this controls your life' and the
 crowd says yay. He calls it 'liquid hell'. He pours the whiskey into the trash can, drawing the biggest boos so far. Funny. BOOZE is getting better heat than half the guys on the roster. Ah, here's R-Truth, come to lay down the law. Truth's rebuttal involves a lot of uses of the word 'truth'. He says people make their own decisions in life. He finishes by saying 'truth is, I don't like you' and DDTing Punk, quick as a shot. Truth then empties the trash can over Punk and cracks him with it. Nice. Crowd were pretty hot for it too. What's next? Awww hell yeah.

John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler, Intercontinental Title Match; Two Out Of Three Falls

This is a great crowd. They're cheering the good guys and booing the bad guys. That may seem like oversimplifying but some crowds just don't get it. God I hope this gets some decent time. Ziggler pounces and immediately gets a few one-counts. Morrison hits his stride right away, hitting a dropkick, a clothesline and a leg lariat, getting two. Morrison charges at Ziggler in the corner but slides under the bottom rope, tripping Ziggler. He leaps straight up for Starship Pain but Ziggler's escaped, and Morrison lands on his feet. Morrison then hits a ridiculous front-flip plancha thing onto Ziggler out of the ring. Tard dusts off his priceless "Tony Hawk without the skateboard" zinger. Back in the ring, Morrison goes for Starship Pain but Ziggler gets his knees up. Ziggler staggers over to cover morrison, but surprisingly gets cradled to lose the first fall.
Winner of the first fall: John Morrison

Coming out of an ad break, Ziggler gets two from a rolling neck snap, before slapping on a body scissors. Morrison's selling the rib/abdominal area. He fights out of the body scissors and turns it into a rollup for two. He misses a running knee and Ziggler takes him down with a Zig Zag to even it up.
Winner of the second fall: Dolph Ziggler

So... this is going a little too quick for my liking. Two falls gone and the match hasn't been going for five minutes yet. Argh. Ziggler hits a great dropkick for two. A bunch of elbows follows and he gets another two. Another body scissors. Morrison fights his way out with punches but Ziggler knees him in the gut and hits a pretty nice fireman's carry gutbuster for two. He then stretches Morrison backwards around the post, before viciously baseball-sliding him ribs-first into the steel. That looked like it fucking hurt. This gets one, and Morrison reverses it for two. Ziggler rams Morrison's head into the mat for another two. Ziggler catches Morrison for a tilt-a-whirl somethingorother but Morrison rolls through and hits a sweet DDT. Morrison then scrambles up for Starship Pain, and gets the fall.
Winner of the third fall, match: John Morrison
Rating: ***

That was good, but too short. They should've given them longer than eight minutes to do a match like that. Both guys stepped up though. It was a good match, which should've been great. And how do we follow that? With Divas, of course!

Mickie James vs Layla

Last week, Mickie's clothes got chopped up by Layla and Michelle McCool. For those of you who care. So Mickie just sorta pounds the crap out of Layla for a few seconds until Layla kicks her in the knee. Layla really isn't wearing a great deal. She gets two from a dropkick. Oh, Mickie Just won with a rollup. What the fuck was that?
Winner: Mickie James
Rating: *

That wasn't a match. Afterwards, Layla gets on the mic and invites Mickie to look up at the TitanTron. What follows is the most retarded and annoying thing I have seen on WWE TV this year. McCool sings 'Michelle McCool Had A Farm'. Mickie is the pig. She calls her Piggie James. Mickie is actually crying. What utter drivel. Wow, Rey Mysterio is taking on Tyson Kidd after the break. Should be fun. Hart Dynasty NOT facing Cryme Tyme shocker! Aaah, now I understand. Batista is on commentary. Tard thanks him for joining them and DAVE says nothing. I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING.

Rey Mysterio vs Tyson Kidd

We keep cutting to big stupid DAVE as Rey heads to the ring. Teest completely ignores Tard, staying silent, but it makes him look stupid because he still has his headset on. Things proceed at light speed of course, and after a matter of seconds, Rey's in the tree of woe, being kicked. Kidd (who screams a great deal, still), whips Rey roughly into the opposite corner and hits a snapmare and a knee to the back of the head at warp speed, for two. Striker is amusingly trying to engage DAVE in conversation. Jesus christ Kidd is quick. Roundhouse kick and a low dropkick get two. Kidd then misses a springboard elbow and Rey gets his first offense in, some sort of crazy monkey flip thing which Kidd rolls through but Rey winds up back on top, getting two. Rey springs up into a seated position on Kidd's shoulders and swivels around into a quick hurricanrana, and Kidd winds up in the 619 spot. Nice. Kidd escapes though, rolling to the outside. Rey climbs to the top but DAVE grabs Kidd, causing the DQ. I am laughing my head off, as Batista is wearing a shirt but no pants.
Winner by DQ: Tyson Kidd
Rating: ***

Very watchable, lightning-fast little match with a finish which could be seen as annoying, but it was obvious Teest was gonna get involved. He looks smug, but Rey comes at him with a big senton off the table. Teest snaps and chases Rey around. Rey is way too quick, and kicks DAVE in the face before fleeing. Put some pants on, Teest. You're killing me here.

TO THE BACK with JeriShow now, for the predictable "we need to be on the same page tonight even though we're facing each other on Sunday" kind of conversation. Show says Jericho is scared of the Brothers of Destruction. Yada yada, Show's concentrating on Survivor Series, Jericho says they need to cooperate tonight. Show says he's ready to Knock Jericho out at Survivor Series. His fist is almost the size of Jericho's head. Show walks off - and the lights go out in the dressing room. Jericho freaks, but it was just Show, being a dink. Cheeky monkey.

We now get the same MADISON SQUARE GARDEN IS FUCKING AMAZING blowjob vid package (which is two and a half minutes long) that we've had on RAW, ECW and even Superstars this week, only this time with 100% less Jay-Z, and 100% more generic instrumental hip-hop. Weird. It's a nice little vid, but I don't really see the point of any of it. Oh well. Main event time.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Kane & The Undertaker

Time from first 'bong' until the music stops - three minutes, ten seconds. Speedy. Kane and Taker actually come out together, and there was a half-hearted attempt at combining their entrance themes. There's a pair of burning Taker symbols. They are actually officially announced as the Brothers of Destruction, which is nice. They do look pretty badass side by side on the stage. Kane and Jericho start off, with Jericho swiftly getting beaten down. Some rudimentary hossing gets Kane a two-count, and Taker tags in for some punching. Jericho escapes as soon as possible and tags in Show. There's a staredown, and after a moment the two are exchanging strikes. Show misses a clothesline, but Taker hits a flying one and then Kane comes in, and they both clothesline Show over and out. After an ad break, Jericho has been dominating Taker somehow, who mounts a comeback with a clothesline and an arm wrench, hitting Old School for two. Kane tags in and Jericho eats a pair of big boots. Kane does what he's best at (punches) and goes for a chokeslam but Show gets a blind tag, running in and flooring Kane with his 'spear' for one. JeriShow dominate Kane for a couple of minutes, Jericho tagging in to stomp on him and slap him around. A sleeperhold is followed by a bulldog, Jericho goes for the Lionsault but Kane gets his knees up. Jericho manages to tag Show. Jericho does that thing where he screams at the announcers to put Show over. There's a 'Big Show sucks' chant going, as Show takes Kane up for a superplex. Kane shoves him off though, and hits a clumsy flying clothesline off the top. Taker's pacing up and down the apron like a maniac and Kane finally makes the tag. Jericho tags in too, and Taker beats the crap out of him, hitting Snake Eyes, a big boot and a leg drop for two. Taker runs over and levels Show for good measure before going for a chokeslam, but Jericho cleverly turns it into a rolling cradle - but Taker stops it halfway and slaps on Hell's Gate. Show lumbers in and legdrops Taker, then Kane runs in and boots Show out of the ring, and the two brawl outside. Jericho clotheslines Taker over and out, but Taker whips Jericho into the barricade, before teaming up to do the same to Show. Taker and Kane then remove all the stuff from the announcer's tables, and look to double-chokeslam Show through the table. Jericho runs up and stops them though, and they take him into the ring. Kane chokeslams Jericho before Show pulls him out of the ring. Taker threatens to Tombstone Jericho but Show is in, so Taker runs up and goes for a chokeslam on him which Show stops with an elbow. Taker whirls around and boots Jericho, but Show is still there and Taker gets chokeslammed. Show lifts Jericho off the mat with the idea of draping him over the fallen Taker for the win (the ref is still around, after all, and apparently Taker and Jericho are legal). Jericho however leaps up and hits a Codebreaker on Show. Funny. Then he grabs the World title and poses with it on the ramp. Yeah, fuck tag teams!
Winner: nobody
Rating: ***

I dunno, maybe an over-generous rating but I rather enjoyed that. It wasn't boring. It was a bit of a mess, and the "finish" was a total clusterfuck but it sorta made sense. They had to establish some sort of potential dissent between Jericho and Show and that was a blunt, but effective way of doing it.

YES: Pretty solid show this week, some decent matches. Decent main event. Ziggler/Morrison deserved more time but was still the highlight. Very nice to see Kidd against Mysterio too. Punk was pretty good too, and it's good to see R-Truth heading for a potentially decent feud.

NO: All the Diva stuff was HORRIBLE. Total garbage. McIntyre/Finlay was kind of a mess - why are they making McIntyre into a graceless brawler? He can do much more than that, surely. And Vickie as 'consultant'? Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you.

WHAT?: Big DAVE's pants-free attack was funny, as was his silent commentary. I sorta liked the big lunk tonight. Oh, and Eric Escobar turns up solely to say his surname. He works hard for the money.

Not bad, not bad. Adios till next week, let's hope Survivor Series is as good as it looks. I'm Ian Sparke, NOW BEAR MY ARCTIC BLAST!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).