LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
BY IAN SPARKE
Bonjour! It's a late
one this week, thanks in no small part to a colossal
hangover I endured. A two-dayer. I'm thinking it was
all that booze I drank on Friday. Yeah. So it's
Survivor Series this Sunday. The second-oldest PPV
and a personal favourite of mine along with the
Royal Rumble. I have high hopes for this one
actually. I like where it's going. Moving Randy
Orton out of the WWE Championship picture is a good
idea, using him to elevate Kofi is even better. Part
of me somehow thinks they're gonna put the WWE strap
on Shawn again, because, well... Triple H needs
another title run like I need a breast reduction.
That is, not at all. I'm very happy with my bust. I
can sorta see Cena retaining though - but it would
be a little boring if both World titles were
retained; Taker isn't really in the best shape at
the moment and seems to be a transitional champion
at the best of times nowadays. Anyway, we'll see. PS
- Roddy Piper on RAW... yikes. Just a water
We're underway, and our main
event is the Brothers of Destruction against
Jeri-Show, and our REAL main event is John Morrison
against Dolph Ziggler in a 2 out of 3 falls match
for the Intercontinental match. Yowza!
DAVE! Yes, Teest is ambling out to a pretty solid
sea of boos. He's introduced, amusingly, as a former
World Heavyweight Champion. Way to rub it in, Chimel.
He hasn't done his machine-gun stuff since he turned
heel, has he? Good. He always screwed it up. Oh
lordy, it's the rematch we've all been waiting for!
Batista vs Matt Hardy
really pissed off, and he runs right into Matt, who
peppers him with punches, and when Teest escapes
outside, Matt follows. Matt actually takes charge
for a few moments until Batista shoves him into the
turnbuckles and plants him with a big powerslam for
two. Stomps follow, and DAVE breaks out his
super-gay body scissors. Batista gently thrusts
against Matt's back for a few seconds before turning
it into a devastating chinlock. Matt stands up and
turns it into a crappy jawbreaker. Matt scores an
elbow from the second rope and looks for a Twist Of
Fate, but Batista turns it around, looking for a
Batista Bomb, but Matt scores a quick DDT for two.
Matt looks surprisingly strong before getting
floored by a chop block. He manages to trip Batista
into the turnbuckles and goes for some punches in
the corner, but Batista just slips out and drops him
onto the top buckle before hitting a pair of
Spinebusters. A pause, then a third Spinebuster, and
Matt just looks like a punching bag. Batista
Bomb follows, and that's it.
Serviceable, I guess. Wasn't a
full-on squash, which was good. I've seen far worse
from both guys. DAVE looked admirably pissed off
throughout. He skulks out of the ring and we get a
recap of the EPIC contract signing. It was very
funny the way Batista kicked his legs when he had
the table on top of him. Backstage, Batista is
confronted by Josh Matthews and he moans about Rey
for a minute. He's embarrassed. Ooh.
isn't returning until WrestleMania? And SEAN MOONEY
has re-signed?! Crazy.
Mega-epic vid package
covers the history of Taker/Kane as a team. Many,
many chokeslams. So Kane's a face again. I guess
that's all it takes - wheel out the Brothers of
Destruction and Kane's an automatic face.
Teddy time now, backstage. Vickie and Eric 'The
Valet' Essssscobar confront him and yammer for a
minute. Teddy says he doesn't need her advice and he
never will, then he tells them to get the fuck out.
Then Vince walks in wearing a mesmerisingly dreadful
suit which makes him look like an armchair. He names
Vickie a consultant for SmackDown and she screams
like a fucking bitch. God I hate this ridiculous
woman. Shut up, now. NOW. Ah, here's a rarity - Drew
McIntyre in an actual match. Oh, it's against Finlay
again. A technical masterclass awaits!
McIntyre vs Finlay
McIntyre gets on the mic
before the match and says Finlay reminds him of a
little old lady, before uttering the most redundant
sentence I've ever heard. "Finlay says he loves to
fight. Them's fighting words. So get out here, and
fight." So, he does. He apparently has internal
bruising from last week's beatdown, but he isn't
selling it at all. I was expecting the bandage
treatment, but nada. Finlay immediately lays into
McIntyre, who escapes, but Finlay stays in pursuit
with many, many punches. Finlay kicks the shit out
of McIntyre for a few minutes. The ref has to hold
him back. McIntyre pokes Finlay in the eye and hits
his Double Underhook DDT for the win. Epic!
Winner: Drew McIntyre
least it had a finish. It did its job. I was
seriously expecting another no contest. It was
hardly Savage/Steamboat, of course.
impressive sea of boos greets CM Punk as he comes
out for a promo. He looks the part now, with his
scruffy beard. Wait, what's going on. There's a
table in the ring with three white buckets on it,
each with a red 'X' on it. And there's a trashcan in
the ring. He's holding a 'straight edge
intervention'. He calls out for people to admit they
have a problem. He wants us to touch the screen and
admit we're all addicts. I didn't do this. There is
an elderly gentleman in the front row bellowing 'you
suck!'. He says he's gonna teach us how to survive.
He lifts the first bucket to reveal a carton of
amusingly generic CIGARETTES. We might as well be
throwing our lungs in the garbage! He throws the
cigarettes into the trash can. Under the second
bucket is a bottle of 'prescription medication'.
It's FAILURE IN A BOTTLE. They go into the trash can
too. Under the third bucket is a bottle of whiskey,
which gets a pop. He says 'this controls your life'
crowd says yay. He calls it 'liquid
hell'. He pours the whiskey into the trash can,
drawing the biggest boos so far. Funny. BOOZE is
getting better heat than half the guys on the
roster. Ah, here's R-Truth, come to lay down the
law. Truth's rebuttal involves a lot of uses of the
word 'truth'. He says people make their own
decisions in life. He finishes by saying 'truth is,
I don't like you' and DDTing Punk, quick as a shot.
Truth then empties the trash can over Punk and
cracks him with it. Nice. Crowd were pretty hot for
it too. What's next? Awww hell yeah.
John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler,
Intercontinental Title Match; Two Out Of Three Falls
This is a great crowd. They're cheering the good
guys and booing the bad guys. That may seem like
oversimplifying but some crowds just don't get it.
God I hope this gets some decent time. Ziggler
pounces and immediately gets a few one-counts.
Morrison hits his stride right away, hitting a
dropkick, a clothesline and a leg lariat, getting
two. Morrison charges at Ziggler in the corner but
slides under the bottom rope, tripping Ziggler. He
leaps straight up for Starship Pain but Ziggler's
escaped, and Morrison lands on his feet. Morrison
then hits a ridiculous front-flip plancha thing onto
Ziggler out of the ring. Tard dusts off his
priceless "Tony Hawk without the skateboard" zinger.
Back in the ring, Morrison goes for Starship Pain
but Ziggler gets his knees up. Ziggler staggers over
to cover morrison, but surprisingly gets cradled to
lose the first fall.
Winner of the first fall:
Coming out of an ad break,
Ziggler gets two from a rolling neck snap, before
slapping on a body scissors. Morrison's selling the
rib/abdominal area. He fights out of the body
scissors and turns it into a rollup for two. He
misses a running knee and Ziggler takes him down
with a Zig Zag to even it up.
Winner of the
second fall: Dolph Ziggler
So... this is
going a little too quick for my liking. Two falls
gone and the match hasn't been going for five
minutes yet. Argh. Ziggler hits a great dropkick for
two. A bunch of elbows follows and he gets another
two. Another body scissors. Morrison fights his way
out with punches but Ziggler knees him in the gut
and hits a pretty nice fireman's carry gutbuster for
two. He then stretches Morrison backwards around the
post, before viciously baseball-sliding him
ribs-first into the steel. That looked like
it fucking hurt. This gets one, and Morrison
reverses it for two. Ziggler rams Morrison's head
into the mat for another two. Ziggler catches
Morrison for a tilt-a-whirl somethingorother but
Morrison rolls through and hits a sweet DDT.
Morrison then scrambles up for Starship Pain, and
gets the fall.
Winner of the third fall, match:
That was good,
but too short. They should've given them longer than
eight minutes to do a match like that. Both guys
stepped up though. It was a good match, which
should've been great. And how do we follow that?
With Divas, of course!
Mickie James vs Layla
Mickie's clothes got chopped up by Layla and
Michelle McCool. For those of you who care. So
Mickie just sorta pounds the crap out of Layla for a
few seconds until Layla kicks her in the knee. Layla
really isn't wearing a great deal. She gets two from
a dropkick. Oh, Mickie Just won with a rollup. What
the fuck was that?
Winner: Mickie James
That wasn't a match. Afterwards,
Layla gets on the mic and invites Mickie to look up
at the TitanTron. What follows is the most retarded
and annoying thing I have seen on WWE TV this year.
McCool sings 'Michelle McCool Had A Farm'. Mickie is
the pig. She calls her Piggie James. Mickie is
actually crying. What utter drivel. Wow, Rey
Mysterio is taking on Tyson Kidd after the break.
Should be fun. Hart Dynasty NOT facing Cryme Tyme
shocker! Aaah, now I understand. Batista is on
commentary. Tard thanks him for joining them and
DAVE says nothing. I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING.
Rey Mysterio vs Tyson Kidd
cutting to big stupid DAVE as Rey heads to the ring.
Teest completely ignores Tard, staying silent, but
it makes him look stupid because he still has his
headset on. Things proceed at light speed of course,
and after a matter of seconds, Rey's in the tree of
woe, being kicked. Kidd (who screams a great deal,
still), whips Rey roughly into the opposite corner
and hits a snapmare and a knee to the back of the
head at warp speed, for two. Striker is amusingly
trying to engage DAVE in conversation. Jesus christ
Kidd is quick. Roundhouse kick and a low dropkick
get two. Kidd then misses a springboard elbow and
Rey gets his first offense in, some sort of crazy
monkey flip thing which Kidd rolls through but Rey
winds up back on top, getting two. Rey springs up
into a seated position on Kidd's shoulders and
swivels around into a quick hurricanrana, and Kidd
winds up in the 619 spot. Nice. Kidd escapes though,
rolling to the outside. Rey climbs to the top but
DAVE grabs Kidd, causing the DQ. I am laughing my
head off, as Batista is wearing a shirt but no
Winner by DQ: Tyson Kidd
Very watchable, lightning-fast little match with a
finish which could be seen as annoying, but it was
obvious Teest was gonna get involved. He looks smug,
but Rey comes at him with a big senton off the
table. Teest snaps and chases Rey around. Rey is way
too quick, and kicks DAVE in the face before
fleeing. Put some pants on, Teest. You're killing me
TO THE BACK with JeriShow now, for the
predictable "we need to be on the same page tonight
even though we're facing each other on Sunday" kind
of conversation. Show says Jericho is scared of the
Brothers of Destruction. Yada yada, Show's
concentrating on Survivor Series, Jericho says they
need to cooperate tonight. Show says he's ready to
Knock Jericho out at Survivor Series. His fist is
almost the size of Jericho's head. Show walks off -
and the lights go out in the dressing room. Jericho
freaks, but it was just Show, being a dink. Cheeky
We now get the same MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN IS FUCKING AMAZING blowjob vid package (which
is two and a half minutes long) that we've had on
RAW, ECW and even Superstars this week, only this
time with 100% less Jay-Z, and 100% more generic
instrumental hip-hop. Weird. It's a nice little vid,
but I don't really see the point of any of it. Oh
well. Main event time.
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big
Show vs Kane & The Undertaker
from first 'bong' until the music stops - three
minutes, ten seconds. Speedy. Kane and Taker
actually come out together, and there was a
half-hearted attempt at combining their entrance
themes. There's a pair of burning Taker symbols.
They are actually officially announced as the
Brothers of Destruction, which is nice. They do look
pretty badass side by side on the stage. Kane and
Jericho start off, with Jericho swiftly getting
beaten down. Some rudimentary hossing gets Kane a
two-count, and Taker tags in for some punching.
Jericho escapes as soon as possible and tags in
Show. There's a staredown, and after a moment the
two are exchanging strikes. Show misses a
clothesline, but Taker hits a flying one and then
Kane comes in, and they both clothesline Show over
and out. After an ad break, Jericho has been
dominating Taker somehow, who mounts a comeback with
a clothesline and an arm wrench, hitting Old School
for two. Kane tags in and Jericho eats a pair of big
boots. Kane does what he's best at (punches) and
goes for a chokeslam but Show gets a blind tag,
running in and flooring Kane with his 'spear' for
one. JeriShow dominate Kane for a couple of minutes,
Jericho tagging in to stomp on him and slap him
around. A sleeperhold is followed by a bulldog,
Jericho goes for the Lionsault but Kane gets his
knees up. Jericho manages to tag Show. Jericho does
that thing where he screams at the announcers to put
Show over. There's a 'Big Show sucks' chant going,
as Show takes Kane up for a superplex. Kane shoves
him off though, and hits a clumsy flying clothesline
off the top. Taker's pacing up and down the apron
like a maniac and Kane finally makes the tag.
Jericho tags in too, and Taker beats the crap out of
him, hitting Snake Eyes, a big boot and a leg drop
for two. Taker runs over and levels Show for good
measure before going for a chokeslam, but Jericho
cleverly turns it into a rolling cradle - but Taker
stops it halfway and slaps on Hell's Gate. Show
lumbers in and legdrops Taker, then Kane runs in and
boots Show out of the ring, and the two brawl
outside. Jericho clotheslines Taker over and out,
but Taker whips Jericho into the barricade, before
teaming up to do the same to Show. Taker and Kane
then remove all the stuff from the announcer's
tables, and look to double-chokeslam Show through
the table. Jericho runs up and stops them though,
and they take him into the ring. Kane chokeslams
Jericho before Show pulls him out of the ring. Taker
threatens to Tombstone Jericho but Show is in, so
Taker runs up and goes for a chokeslam on him which
Show stops with an elbow. Taker whirls around and
boots Jericho, but Show is still there and Taker
gets chokeslammed. Show lifts Jericho off the mat
with the idea of draping him over the fallen Taker
for the win (the ref is still around, after all, and
apparently Taker and Jericho are legal). Jericho
however leaps up and hits a Codebreaker on Show.
Funny. Then he grabs the World title and poses with
it on the ramp. Yeah, fuck tag teams!
I dunno, maybe an
over-generous rating but I rather enjoyed that. It
wasn't boring. It was a bit of a mess, and the
"finish" was a total clusterfuck but it sorta made
sense. They had to establish some sort of potential
dissent between Jericho and Show and that was a
blunt, but effective way of doing it.
YES: Pretty solid show this week, some
decent matches. Decent main event. Ziggler/Morrison
deserved more time but was still the highlight. Very
nice to see Kidd against Mysterio too. Punk was
pretty good too, and it's good to see R-Truth
heading for a potentially decent feud.
NO: All the Diva stuff was HORRIBLE. Total
garbage. McIntyre/Finlay was kind of a mess - why
are they making McIntyre into a graceless brawler?
He can do much more than that, surely. And Vickie as
'consultant'? Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you.
WHAT?: Big DAVE's pants-free attack was
funny, as was his silent commentary. I sorta liked
the big lunk tonight. Oh, and Eric Escobar turns up
solely to say his surname. He works hard for the
Not bad, not bad. Adios till next
week, let's hope Survivor Series is as good as it
looks. I'm Ian Sparke, NOW BEAR MY ARCTIC BLAST!