WWE SmackDown Recap for November 12,
Pip, pip Cheerios, m’lord…or whatever the hell those funny-talking Brits say. “Great” Scott here, bringing you yet another hysterical SmackDown recap, which just happens to be taking place in Manchester, England this week.
Before we settle in with our tea and crumpets, I’d like
to dedicate this week’s show to my Unofficial Sponsor of
Because SmackDown’s taking place in
If you want to read yourself one helluva’ confusing story, pick this book up. There are about 20 characters to remember, and all of them have crazy goofball names. And the plot seems like something the WWE writers would drum up, with people turning on each other every couple dozen pages. I read it in high school and remembered it being pretty damned complicated. You can get a copy of this classic right here: http://www.amazon.com/Expectations-Penguin-Classics-Charles-Dickens/dp/0141439564. Or, for all of you uncouth heathens, there’s a link to the CliffsNotes on the page, as well.
Now, one more thing before I continue. As always (except for last week, when I was still in vacation mode), I’d like to let loose with my rant of the week. This week’s topic: public bathroom etiquette. Now, let me preface this by saying that I worked in a grocery store for six years, and I had to do my share of cleaning up after other people’s…aftereffects. However, those days are long over, so I’m starting to get a little sickened by how difficult some people find it to get their business done properly. Listen folks, when you drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, I don’t want to come in after you to find Rudy and Theo still floating around. Also, the stream isn’t that small and the pot’s pretty big…try to put the “IN” back in “URINE.” Seriously, is it really that difficult to poop and pee properly in public? I know we’ve become a society that’s too lazy to change channels, type complete words, or use turn signals, but none of these things is as disgusting as not getting your waste in the toilet properly. Seriously, take a few extra seconds and be sure you’re hitting the target, okay? And finally, I know we’re all trying to conserve water, but a courtesy flush or two isn’t going to dry up the Atlantic Ocean.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let’s hop on our double-decker bus and head to ringside for…
Edge vs. David Otunga
Actually, we’re not going to start with this…because Edge is in his street clothes. I guess he’s going to talk for a bit. Let’s summarize.
He shills WrestleMania.
He shills his match with Kane at Survivor Series.
He reminds us that he’s a nine-time champion…for like a total of like a week, right?
He insults David Otunga, saying he depends on his wife (Jennifer Hudson, who’s a semi-talented singer, for those of you who don’t know).
Insulting Otunga brings out Nexus, who swarm the ring. Before they can beat the crap out of Edge, Vickie comes waddling out to make the show suck right out of the gate. She tells Otunga that if Nexus interferes in his match, he loses. Then, she makes the match a lumberjack match with Nexus and the WWE SmackDown superstars. Fun! Finally, she makes the two men shake hands, like proper Englishmen…ugh.
What happens next is actually funny, because Malcolm just ranted about it on his NXT recap about this. The “heel” in this case (Otunga) wanted to shake hands, while the “face” (Edge) attacked him from behind. Seriously, this “shades of gray” approach to heels and faces is getting a little stupid. It was cool when you had one “renegade” like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, but now everyone is a self-serving douche bag that changes allegiances at the drop of hat. It wears a little thin after a while.
After that dull segment, we see that Alberto Del Rio is trying to drive his fancy car through the back…awesome. He’s taking on Kofi Kingston for no reason whatsoever…next!
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston
To make things especially funny, Del Rio’s gotten himself a British automobile…complete with steering wheel on the right.
As Del Rio walks down to the ring, I have to put up with stupid ass “Heel” Michael Cole. Who thought that making him a bad guy was a good idea? He’s as bad a heel as Tony Schiavone. It ranks right up there with that suave alter ego of Steve Urkel. Wouldn’t Striker make a better heel announcer? I thought no one liked him, anyway.
Anyway, the two men tie up, with Del Rio getting the early advantage. In the corner, Del Rio insults Kofi’s manhood, so Kingston whales on him for a bit, punctuating things with a dropkick. Del Rio stops a Kofi corner charge with a boot to the face. He follows with a clothesline and some stomps in the corner. After a bodyslam and a kick to the back, Del Rio goes for a small package that only gets one. Kingston tries to fight back, but Del Rio sends him to the corner and follows up with a cross chop to the throat. Kingston manages to get in some offense with a back elbow, a series of punches in the corner, and an uppercut. Del Rio goes to the outside and tries to sneak back in, but Kingston dropkicks him back to the floor and follows with a suicide dive. Back in the ring, there’s some back and forth, with Kingston ending up on the apron, where he gets enziguried by Del Rio. While Kingston tries to tally his bananas, we go to commercial.
It must be hard to play XBOX Kinect in a hamburger suit.
Even if you use AXE body spray, it’s not manly if you shave your chest.
When we return to the match, Kingston’s still getting beaten on. Del Rio wastes precious moments mocking Kingston’s “boom boom boom,” but Kingston can’t capitalize. Eventually, however, Kingston fights out of a rest hold and then lays into Del Rio with kicks and punches. Del Rio attempts to stop Kingston, but Kofi goes to the top and lands a super-high cross body. After a pin attempt, Kingston hits the double leg drop, but misses the Trouble in Paradise when Del Rio rolls to the outside. Kingston heads outside, and the two fight near the ring post. Del Rio ends up yanking Kingston’s arm into the post, and then dropkicks his shoulder into the pole. Back in the ring, Del Rio locks on the cross arm breaker…and Kingston taps out in a few seconds.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
That match was relatively slow paced, but it picked up toward the end and was pretty decent overall.
After the match, Rey comes out for no real reason to attack Del Rio. I thought this feud was over, but I guess it’s still going on. I guess that’s not completely terrible…at least Del Rio’s not fighting Kane.
In the back, the non-David Otunga members of Nexus seem reluctant to help their teammate. Otunga comes in to cut a pretty decent “desperate for help” promo. He would be a good manager or bodyguard-type character, but his in-ring ability is kinda’ lacking. Anyway, after his speech, Nexus seems a little more willing to help…but there’s still some reluctance in their eyes…THE DRAMA!
During the commercials, there’s about a two-hour spot for the new “Dwayne Johnson” movie…which looks like straight-to-DVD fodder.
After the break, we head back to the ring for…
Natalya vs. Layla
I guess this is going to be one of those Survivor Series where there aren’t any actual classic Survivor Series matches. Bummer.
Nattie goes on the offensive first, performing an especially cool delayed suplex. Layla manages to slip out of a powerslam and hit a few kicks, which she follows with a nifty head scissors (and lots of screaming). Nattie picks Layla up upside down, with the head scissors still locked on, and slams her into the corner. She follows it up with a backbreaker. Nattie continues to destroy Layla with a bodylsam, huge clothesline, and double underhook suplex. Layla screams a lot more. She tries to fight back, but Nattie will have none of that shit. She puts Layla down, locks on the Sharpshooter, and gets the win.
Natalya has a better move set than her old man. I could’ve done without Layla screaming so much, but Michelle McCool wasn’t around, so that’s good for a half point bonus.
After the match, we head back to parts (of the building) unknown. Again, Kane cuts a weird bi-polar promo where he’s half “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase and half Papa Shango. One second he insults the audience, one second later he’s talking about Satan and purging demons. Dude, stick with one angle…you’re making me dizzy.
Wow, I thought this would be the main event…but I guess here at the midpoint, we’re getting…
Edge vs. David Otunga (Lumberjack Match)
The Nexus hoodie would be cool if it didn’t have the slogan on the back in 400-point font.
Hey look, Finlay is a lumberjack! Matt Striker is as amazed as me! Wow, Tyson Kidd is small…I never noticed. It’s funny how guys forget they hate each other every so often…Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are within five feet of each other and don’t fight? MVP and Dolph Ziggler are fighting later on in the show…no ill will there? I mean, seriously…does the WWE even bother with things like logic or continuity anymore? Or are all of those folks now working on the “Stand Up For WWE” campaign?
In the ring, Edge goes right after Otunga. Edge sends Otunga outside quickly, where he’s tossed in by the SmackDown guys while Nexus looks on impotently. In the ring, Otunga looks like a deer in the headlights. He’s so afraid of Edge, that we go to commercials while he calls his therapist.
That Hollywood Treasure Show looks awesome. I want to own the Terminator robot and drive around with it in the Batmobile.
After the commercials, Edge tosses Otunga out again. The WWE “faces” beat on him and send him back in. Three seconds later, Otunga manages to send Edge outside, where the WWE guys let him…uh oh, Del Rio decides to trip up Edge. MVP takes umbrage with this, but doesn’t do anything. This allows Otunga to take control with…a chinlock. Edge fights out with some punches, but Otunga hits a…back elbow, I guess. He follows up with a trio of horrible-looking elbow drops and a bland suplex. Outside the ring, MVP and Del Rio continue to jaw at each other. Otunga locks on another chinlock, but Edge hoists him up for a suplex and hits it to escape. Both men are down, but Edge gets up and takes control with punches, a leaping forearm, and the Edge-o-Matic. Otunga tries to come back with a corner charge, but Edge moves. At this point, Edge decides to dropkick Del Rio outside, which leads to a giant brawl. Joe Hennig tries to help out his buddy, but Edge spears the hell out of him. Edge then waits for Otunga to get up, but Kane sneaks in behind the ref’s back and chokeslams Edge. Otunga crawls over and makes the pin.
Winner: David Otunga
Okay, the quality of the match was kinda’ horrible. The psychology of it, however, was good. I wasn’t a fan of the logic of some of the lumberjacks…especially since they marched out guys like Primo and Finlay, but overall, the match wasn’t too terrible.
When you want, “the best shrimp,” you go to Long John Silver’s? Where was your wedding reception, Red Lobster?
If any real dad were to throw around a quarter pound of meat in front of their son’s teenaged girlfriend, they’d get arrested for indecent exposure.
Oh boy, the next match is…
Dolph Ziggler vs. MVP (Intercontinental Championship Match)
While Dolph’s heading to the ring, Matt Striker asks Michael Cole if he plays an instrument. Michael Cole says yes, but doesn’t say which instrument. Skin flute? Don’t be ashamed, Cole.
MVP starts things off with three quick pin attempts. Ziggler gets in a kick and punch, but MVP stays on top of things with a press slam of sorts. He follows that with a kick that sends Ziggler to the outside. It’s time for another commercial break!
After the break, Ziggler is stomping away on MVP, following the stomps with a big elbow drop and a rear naked choke. MVP gets up and hits a move or two, but Ziggler stops MVP cold with a boot to the face. After an illegal pin attempt, Ziggler hits a neck breaker and tries for another pin. Ziggler decides he’s had enough of fighting cleanly and tries to remove a turnbuckle pad. The ref goes to replace the pad, but MVP gets a rollup. Since the ref is distracted, Ziggler stays pinned for about five minutes. Ziggler finally kicks out and nails the FameAsser. Things go back and forth for a minute or so, until MVP manages two clotheslines, a cross chop, and a knee drop. After that “flurry” of moves, MVP hits the Ballin’ Elbow, but that doesn’t get the pin (SURPRISE!). Next, MVP sets Ziggler on the top turnbuckle, but Ziggler fights out. Unfortunately for Dolph, he gets booted in the face on a double axehandle attempt. MVP gets a little “overzealous” while stomping Ziggler, so the ref gets involved. When MVP tries to resume his assault, Ziggler dropkicks his knee. This stuns MVP long enough for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag. MVP tries to get his foot on the ropes during the pin attempt, but Ziggler removes it before the ref can see it.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
That was a perfectly acceptable match. Nothing spectacular, but nothing horrible. It was certainly better than average.
After the match, the WWE Divas STAND UP for the WWE. I could seriously write enough jokes about this segment to fill seven three-ring binders. However, I don’t want Vince to have someone crash the TWF Web site again, so I’ll refrain.
After that mess, Kane is in the back looking confused. Someone must have told him he has to sell tonight. Actually, it appears that someone stole Paul Bearer and left the urn. Shouldn’t they have done that the other way around? It would’ve been easier.
Before we head back to the ring, the WWE spends a few minutes shilling their new John Cena DVD set. Wonderful. Sign me up for two.
I guess everything good about this show is done…as Cody Rhodes’ fruity Journey music cues up. Cody comes out with his lisp in full effect. He does a routine that’s never been done before: he insults the teeth of the Manchester crowd. He gives one guy some mouthwash and a kid a toothbrush. As if this wasn’t bad enough, Cody presents one of his stupid vignettes…this one on flossing. Didn’t he do this one already? I don’t know if I would take flossing advice from Rhodes; that’s probably why he lisps: cutting his tongue with floss.
That was it? I had to sit through that crap and there wasn’t even a match? Damn you, WWE.
In the back, Kane is flinging geeks around in his quest to find Paul Bearer. Unfortunately, this strategy doesn’t work very well.
Before we return to the show, we have to sit through a segment on WWE’s contribution to the Oscar race: Knucklehead. I’d love to know exactly how many people (not related to anyone in the movie), actually see this movie. I’ll set the over-under at 58.
Wow, the main event is getting 18 minutes? With two of the least mobile guys in the company? Okay.
Kane vs. Big Show
Kane begins things with about two dozen punches. Big Show fights back with some punches of his own. Kane sends Show off the ropes, but Big Show manages a semi-impressive looking shoulder tackle. Show follows up with a corner splash and some big punches to Kane’s kidneys. Kane decides that selling three moves is enough, so he dropkicks shows knee, and then punches him in the corner. Big Show shoves Kane away, but Kane continues his onslaught. Show hits an elbow and a super-slow Vader splash to regain control. Kane, however, fights back by attempting a choke slam…Big Show does the same. This match is moving so slowly…I’m starting to doze off. Kane clotheslines Big Show out of the ring…and then we’re in the back, where someone (I’m assuming Edge) has tied up Paul Bearer. Way to not help, cameraman! While we watch Bearer struggle to escape, we fade to commercial.
Upon our return, Big Show is bustin’ out some WRESTLING! He’s got an arm bar locked on and Kane appears to be selling it…at least for the next 16 seconds. Big Show continues to work over the arm and shoulder of Kane. I’m bored. Big Show changes things up and chokes Kane over the second rope. He follows this up with a punch in the stomach, a head butt, and a chop to the chest. Show whips Kane to the ropes, but he puts his head down, so Kane hits a DDT. After a failed pin attempt, Kane starts beating on Big Show. After a solid 27 seconds of offense, Kane clamps on a chinlock. Big Show fights up quickly and then shoulderblocks Kane out of the ring. These two guys look like they just completed the Tour de France TWICE. Kane tries to go to the top rope to hit his clothesline, but Big Show meets him for a superplex. Kane fights out, though, and follows with his clothesline. We’re treated to another chinlock, but Show lifts up Kane and suplexes him. Big Show is on his feet first, so he hits a pair of clotheslines and a corner splash. Show tries a second splash, but Kane boots him. and lands another flying clothesline. Kane signals for the chokeslam, but Edge comes out on the ramp with Paul Bearer tied to a wheelchair. Edge threatens to roll the wheelchair off the stage, while Kane looks terrified in the ring. Unfortunately, Kane isn’t paying attention to the Big Show, who gets up, and hits the chokeslam for the win.
Winner: Big Show
The score is more for the psychology of the match than the match itself. The only thing that bothers me is that Big Show has now defeated Kane; shouldn’t he be number one contender now?
That’s it for this evening show…I think I’ll hand out some awards so I can get back to playing Fallout: New Vegas.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The entire show was pretty decent…it’s tough to pick a winner. I’m going to give the award to the Dolph Ziggler/MVP match…for no reason other than that Ziggler actually won for a change. Honorable mention goes to no Hornswoggle or Teddy Long.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: This is a pretty easy award to give out. Tonight, it’s going to David Otunga’s in-ring performance. He really is terrible.
That’s all for this week, folks. I hope you all have a “great” weekend. I know I will.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).