[Editor's note: For
last week's edition click HERE].
Good evening dudes,
it's SmackDown time again, and we're creeping
towards Survivor Series, one of the Big Four as you
should know (not that you'd notice from RAW -
building for a PPV? Nah, let's have Chris Masters
flex his fucking tits). We're in Providence, Rhode
Island, and our hilariously crap main event has
Batista emerging from his pit of danger to battle
the mighty MATT HARDY, after last week's
unforgiveable shove. Whoo.
Anyway, apropos of
nothing and perhaps remembering that he wasn't on
last week's show at all, here's the Undertaker. As
is becoming traditional, as he brings the house
lights back up, I scrutinise his hair. Well, it's an
interesting look this week, the beard is almost
shaved and the Just For Men is in his hair. It
almost looks like he's wearing a wig. That's where
he was last week - getting hair plugs! He talks up
Survivor Series, as that was where he debuted back
in 1990 (If only they'd bring back Brother Looove).
He talks about Big Show and Jericho (Taker/Jericho
would be a damn good feud, actually). He says that
one of the few things that brings joy to his "dark
heart" is fighting alongside his brother, Kane. Uh,
where is this going. He says another thing is
fighting against his brother, Kane. Right. He's
pissed at Jericho for beating Kane last week. Oh, I
see. He says Jericho's soul will be his.
This
brings out Jericho instantly, wearing a very dapper
suit, in stark contrast to Taker's
all-the-members-of-Manowar-combined vibe. Jericho
talks up how long-awaited the Taker/Jericho feud is,
and I guess this is on. Cool. Jericho uses long
words and self-aggrandisation. Untertaker has been
brainwashing these gelatinous tapeworms, etc etc,
because he's not a 'dead man', he's just a man, like
Kane. Jericho says Taker's "infamous gong" doesn't
scare him, and yeah I thought he said dong. He calls
himself the 'new Phenom' and slinks into the ring,
only for Taker to grab his throat, but Jericho
fights back before eating a big boot and rolling to
the outside. That was pretty cool. Set up the feud
nicely, even if they completely glossed over the
presence of Big Show in the title match. And if
we're taking "Phenom" to be a title of any worth,
the first guy to be called that was actually Jimmy
Snuka. So if you weigh it up, it's kind of a
meaningless title.
Long vid package of
Batista WALKING ALONE all over Rey at Bragging
Rights, and their promo from last week. This could
get old fast. I do like the little monster noise
they added to Batista though. Grr. There's an ad
break here but I've decided to stop mentioning them
so boldly because, really, what's the point. So
there's some stupid fucking thing about "where is
Parts Unknown" on wwe.com. It's UNKNOWN! LEAVE IT
BE! LET'S HAVE A MATCH!
Okay, I just sat and
worked it out, and this is the 45,216th time the
Harts have faced Cryme Tyme in whatever form. I
always say it takes forty thousand matches to really
make a feud memorable. This could be fun though,
throwing Ziggler and Morrison in there. A
hilariously awkward exchange takes place when
Striker says that he never got along with guys like
Cryme Tyme in high school because they were always
"trying to get everyone up and dancing. No, it's
Hall & Oates and sensible slacks for me". Then Tard
said "and KD Lang." to a deathly silence. I bet
Striker just punched him in the balls.
Dolph Ziggler & The Hart Dynasty vs. John
Morrison & Cryme Tyme
I get the
feeling this will be tricky to recap. Just so you
know, it's very hard to recap actual good matches,
especially with guys like this, because there's so
much going on, and it's easy to get sucked into
watching it rather than writing about it. Shitty
matches with big guys are boring but easy to recap.
As I typed that, Morrison and Kidd flipped around
interestingly for about ten seconds and we sailed
into an ad break. Post-break, our traditional
post-break headlock is being applied to JTG by
Ziggler. JTG fights out, hitting a couple of
hiptosses, a blockbuster and a jawbreaker before a
Natalya distraction leads to JTG getting clocked by
David Hart Smith, who tags in. Striker calls him a
"baby bull". Kidd tags in for a low dropkick and a
two-count. Striker and Tard struggle to find other
tag teams that are like the Hart Dynasty. Adrian
Adonis and Jesse Ventura, the Andersons... Tard says
the British Bulldogs are 'as close as you get'. Uh,
the Hart Foundation anybody? Anyway, Smith hosses
around on JTG for several minutes. Ziggler tags in
and hits a rolling neck snap for one, before some
screaming headlockery. JTG flips out of a suplex
attempt and hits a backbreaker, and manages to tag
in Morrison whilst Ziggler tags in Kidd. Morrison is
favouring his ribs from when he started off because
of something Kidd did that I missed. He takes Kidd
down with some punches, a backdrop and a leg lariat,
but is too slow to make the cover and Smith manages
to tag in. Morrison quickly hits the Chuck on Smith.
Attempted shenanigans from Ziggler see him getting
clocked. Shad tags in as Morrison flips outside,
hitting a corkscrew plancha on Kidd. Shad flattens
Smith with punches and clotheslines and stuff like
that. Shad hoists Smith up to drop him on the top
rope, but not before Ziggler gets the blind tag. He
sneaks up and hits the Zig Zag on Shad for the win.
Winners: Dolph Ziggler & The Hart Dynasty
Rating:
***
Not too bad, nice to see the heels win,
but still nothing we haven't seen before. These guys
are amongst the best we've got on SmackDown, and I
guess this is about as good as a storyline-free
six-man tag match gets. Up next, an "up close and
personal interview" with tiny, tiny Rey. After the
ads, Josh Mathews interviews Rey in the locker room,
in a moodily-lit, emotastic puff piece where Rey
showcases his actually-not-all-that-bad promo
skills. At Survivor Series, it's Rey vs Batista one
on one, which is kind of good. Team Rey vs Team
Batista would've been weak. I'm cautiously
optimistic about this match, if not the feud. I hope
it's not dragged out into some horrible soap opera
like a lot of Rey's storylines. Rey said he'll show
Batista a side of him that he never knew existed.
Does he secretly have really long legs, that fold up
in some mad way? We'll find out. Ah, a Beth Phoenix
squash match. Yay for character development.
Beth Phoenix vs Brittany Carter
This
week's jobber isn't as scrawny as last week's, but
she does look like a teenager, and screams a lot.
Phoenix, in alluring green, completely
(wo)manhandles her of course, and Jobberina gets in
no offense whatsoever. Beth actually gets a couple
of pops with her offense. Glam Slam seals it.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Rating: **
Yes, we
get it, Beth is a tough cookie. Do we really need
squash matches to prove it though? I guess it's a
tried-and-tested way of getting a monster over, but
Beth's been around for years, we're not stupid. Here
comes Drew McIntyre anyway, with a new jacket (it's
got blue on it). I wonder if he'll actually have a
proper match this week. He still has the hilarious
entrance pose, by the way. Lordy! It's another
squasharoo.
Drew McIntyre vs Jimmy Wang Yang
Jimmy
gets into the ring and poses on the ropes, and
McIntyre just shoves him off and out of the ring. He
then gets a mic. "This party cannot even begin to
get started until I get some competition worthy of a
future World Heavyweight Champion". Hmm, some of
that does make sense. So what's his catchphrase? Is
the party over, or just getting started? Is that his
gimmick? Drew "Ambivalent Regarding Parties"
McIntyre? Jimmy actually crawls into the ring just
as Drew leaves, and the bell rings. Drew says "are
you serious?" and walks straight into a couple of
chops from Yang. McIntyre just pounds the hell out
of him though, and crushes him with what Striker
called a double underhook Kobashi DDT. That's it,
anyway. McIntyre knees Yang in the back of the head
after the bell for good measure.
Winner: Drew
McIntyre
Rating: **
Not really a match.
McIntyre does look pretty formidable, to be fair,
he's just in danger of floundering unless he's put
in a solid feud. He needs matches, not random
beatdowns like this. I think he has skills we aren't
seeing. Batista is approached in the back by
Matthews now, and is asked why he cracked Matt Hardy
last week. Matt shouldn't have put his "big nose" in
Batista's business, so it seems. Hmm. Tough talk!
Following an ad break, here's what could be a good
little match, providing it's shenanigan-free. DAVE,
I'm talking to you.
Rey Mysterio vs Mike Knox
Hey
remember when every single guy in the company was
billed as being way over 200 pounds? They
exaggerated weights and heights like crazy. Even
tiny guys like Koko B. Ware were apparently 230lbs.
I remember reading that 1-2-3 Kid was something like
212lbs and thinking 'wow, he's tiny'. Irrelevant, I
know. Anyway, Knox - who convincingly dwarfs Rey -
dominates to start with, with chunky-looking punches
and kicks. Knox is slung into the 619 position
early, but slides outside the ring. Rey misses a
senton to the outside, but lands on his feet. Knox
then plants Rey with his still-pretty-good crossbody
on the outside. He rolls Rey in for a two. He
crushes Rey under his knee, and Rey makes that funny
'nyaaa!' noise he does sometimes when he's in a rest
hold. Knox gets another two, before delivering a
couple of stomps and a bear hug. Rey fights out of
the bear hug with some kicks, and comes off the
ropes for a stiff kick to the face. Knox doesn't
move, but looks really pissed off. He charges at Rey
and misses, winding up outside. Rey hits a baseball
slide, but Knox slides back into the ring as he
comes off the ropes, and Rey eats a shoulderblock
and a splash for two. Knox slaps on an abdominal
stretch, which doesn't look like much because Rey is
very, very small. He gets bored and lifts Rey into a
nice backbreaker for yet another two. Another
stretch. Knox lifts Rey very smoothly into a
powerslam position but Rey keeps going and turns it
into a DDT. Nice. Some shoves, as both guys get up,
and Rey hits a baseball slide followed by a
wheelbarrow bulldog for two. Crowd are good tonight,
by the way. Big step up from wherever the fuck we
were last week. Knox hits a knee, Rey bounces off
the bottom rope but Knox catches him on his
shoulder. Rey escapes and hits a springboard senton,
but Knox flattens him with a clothesline. Knox
lumbers at Rey in the corner, Rey ducks and Knox
eats the post. Rey dropkicks knox into the 619
position, hits it, then follows with a springboard
splash for the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Rating: ***
Pleasantly, this was
shenanigan-free. It went nearly eight minutes
without an ad break too, which was nice. Good
performances by both men. Knox is impressive
considering the inherent dullness associated with
most big guys. Lovely stuff. WWE Championship triple
threat at Survivor Series... possibly could be
interesting? All three are faces... Teasing a DX
split is kind of yawn-inducing though. Similar issue
with Jerishow/Taker... Why don't they just abolish
the tag division entirely and be done with it?
Following a break, Tard informs us that the main
event next week will be an Intercontinental Title
match between John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler. Yes,
the MAIN EVENT. Whether "main event" corresponds
with "last match on the show" like it fucking should
remains to be seen. It's bound to be a very, very
good match anyway. We're then reminded of the
five-star game-changer that was CM Punk vs Scott
Armstrong, as Punk has a match. Ooh, interesting.
Armstrong is
the ref.
CM Punk vs R-Truth
Punk amusingly mocks Armstrong. Yeah, you fuckin'
ref. I beat you! And, It's always funny when Truth
does his entrance and there's one random person in
the crowd who says WHAT'S UP twenty times louder
than the others. Striker, talking out of an orifice
not normally used for speech, says CM Punk is Friday
night's Johnny Cash, and R-Truth is SmackDown's Suge
Knight. Rrright... that Cash comparison? Punk is
straight edge. I rest my case. I guess Striker's
brand of nonsense is more interesting than Tard
saying Truth "brings the flava". I had time to type
that because there's a very hesitant start here, but
things finally get underway when Truth flattens Punk
with a shoulderblock, before doing a little dance.
What's that chant? "We want shogun?" "We want
shotgun?" Hmm. Truth and Punk go back and forth with
a bit of mat wrestling to start with. Striker has
now decided (after giving a silly explanation of the
term 'straight edge', including the first and only
time Minor Threat have ever been mentioned on WWE
TV) that Punk is SmackDown's Iggy Pop. I'll shut up
about the commentary now. These guys are pretty good
together, and Punk gets on the offense with a few
kicks and punches, and a headbutt. Punk comes off
the ropes from this, straight into an arm drag. He
clotheslines Punk over and out before flying out
with a crossbody as we go to a break. Punk seems to
be in control, but Truth escapes a suplex,
delivering one of his own. Punk escapes to the
apron, dropping Truth's neck across the ropes (what
is the proper name for that move?) before hitting a
springboard clothesline to the back of Truth's neck,
which gets one. Stomps and a very stiff kick lead
into Punk hitting a snap suplex (after blowing a
kiss to the crowd for some reason) for two. Punk
then slaps on a bow and arrow kinda thing. Always
good to see more interesting submission holds. He
releases Truth before delivering a few strikes and
slinging Truth into the corner for the knee, which
Truth dodges, and Punk is soon eating strikes and
clotheslines.Truth does his
missed-corner-charge/cartwheel/splits thing and hits
a leg lariat and a forearm in the corner. Truth
comes off the ropes and Punk delivers a leg lariat
of his own out of the blue for two. Punk argues that
it should've been three, and yells at Armstrong
"count faster! do your job!" - and promptly gets
rolled up by Truth for a speedy three-count. Ha.
Winner: R-Truth
Rating: ***
Good match.
Armstrong stormed up the ramp, and Punk went in
pursuit but as soon as Armstrong disappeared
backstage Punk gave up and started having a hissy
fit which took him back into the ring. We then go to
Mickie James getting bullied high-school brat style
by Michelle McCool and Layla. There's a Diva
Survivor Series match... is that SmackDown-only?
There are about six Divas on the whole brand. I am
not enlightened, nor am I remotely interested.
Replay of Batista's amusingly crap attack on Matt
Hardy from last week. Seriously, shoving him into a
fence? That was it? Crappiest backstage attack ever!
Speaking of crap. Ozzy. RAW Rebound. That was sort
of stupidly watchable, but it was still crap. I tell
ya, every single episode of RAW since they started
with the guest hosts, has had at least one segment
of ten-carat wrestlecrap. Chris Masters' bouncing
tits was priceless, though. It was his facial
expression which made it. I'd quite like to blow
Jillian up with dynamite. Ugh, not watching this
crap again. FUCK RAW.
Josh Matthews talks to
Matt Hardy backstage now. Fake tan fake tan fake
tan. Matt's here to FIGHT. Yay, go and fight, Matt!
You might win. Step forth with confidence, Matthew,
into the PIT OF DANGER.
Batista vs Matt Hardy
This is such a
lame matchup. Yes, it starts with shoves. Yes,
Batista wins the shoving match. Matt gets some brief
offense in, punches and kicks, Batista stops that
shit quickly with a clothesline. More shoves and
forearms and shit. Two-count. It's very slow, of
course, because it's DAVE. Reasonably good suplex
gets Batista two. Batista chokes Matt against the
ropes, stomps on him, misses a corner charge but
blocks a rollup. There is a lot of
wandering-around-looking-scary. Teest tells the ref
to get out of his face. Punches. Many punches.
Hardy gets a forearm in, and goes to the second rope
but Batista just throws him the fuck off and screams
'COME ON' as we go to a break.When we return, Matt
is being put in a camel clutch by Big Stupid
Dangerous Evil Slow Alone DAVE. I'm surprised there
isn't a 'boring' chant, actually. Props to the crowd
for going for it. Batista releases Matt and beats
him up some more. There probably should be a
'boring' chant, because this is boring. Striker,
however, is playing up the heel commentator thing a
little bit, which is good. Tard reminds us that Matt
handed the mighty ERIC ESCOBAR his first defeat.
Yup, I forgot about him too. A shove into the corner
gets Batista two. He then amusingly puts Matt in a
crappy rear naked choke, which looks cosy rather
than painful. He turns it into a body scissors
briefly, but soon turns back to the hugging and the
loving. This goes on for a very long time. Matt
eventually fights his way out and gets scooped up
for a powerslam, but wriggles out and hits a
neckbreaker, and they do the slowly-getting-up
thing. Batista charges for a spear, but Hardy
actually stops him with some strikes, before hitting
a low dropkick and a DDT. Hardy then goes up for a
moonsault, but Batista rolls (mostly) clear (Matt's
head hit Teest's boot). Batista picks Hardy up but
gets caught in a quick Twist Of Fate. DAVE grabs the
bottom rope to prevent a three count. Going for a
second TOF, Matt is quickly flattened by a
spinebuster. Batista sort of snaps, stomping the
crap out of Hardy and standing on his throat. Hardy
rolls outside and Batista follows, slinging him into
barricade and slamming him into the announcer's
table. Batista then picks up a monitor and smashes
Matt in the back, causing the DQ. After the bell,
Batista continues beating Hardy down, slinging him
into the steps before rolling him back into the ring
and removing his elbow pads before threatening a
Batista Bomb, but he just lets Hardy slump to the
mat, drawing boos. Uh, he's a heel now, folks.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Rating: **1/2
Serviceable match for what it was, I guess, but it's
just not an inspiring pairing. I guess they needed
someone for Batista to use as a punching bag, but
come on, Matt Hardy? Fucker had about as much chance
as Jimmy Wang Yang did. DAVE is definitely more
interesting as a heel even if he still stinks in the
ring, and Hardy just kinda did his best. Anyway, we
then get a short video telling us that Chris Jericho
is facing the Undertaker one-on-one next week, and
that's that.
YES: Above average show, which was
refreshing. Three very solid matches this week.
There was nothing super-amazing, but there was also
nothing pointless (besides, arguably, Drew
McIntyre's 50th non-match). Taker and Jericho did a
great promo to kick things off, and Striker was
intermittently brilliant on commentary. And it was
Escobar-free, too. Latino No Heat will hopefully be
gone sooner rather than later.
NO:
Y'know, I can't think of anything off hand. The
usual crappy SmackDown segments (Teddy & Vince's
mumble time, Word Up - wherefore art thou, Slam
Master J & 'Pretty Ricky') were all pleasingly
absent. Even the Diva stuff was fine, though I do
hope they don't fuck up Beth Phoenix's push after
apparently pressing the 'reset' button on her career
again.
WHAT?: Drew McIntyre's
entrance pose is very funny, but the comedy
highlight of SmackDown is the weird and wonderful
adventures of the Undertaker's hair. Dude has one
schizophrenic hairdresser. He looks different every
week.
Well, that was a good show, and next
week's sounds very promising too. Le'ts not forget -
CM Punk's WAR against Scott Armstrong rages on! Yes
indeed. I am Ian Sparke, and it's Wine Tyme. Lame,
you're right.