WWE SmackDown Recap for November 5,
Hello, everyone. “Great” Scott is back from his Mexican cruise to bring you yet another SmackDown recap. I’m in total “lazy ass bastard” mode, so we’re skipping the pre-recap frivolities and getting right to the show, which starts on a strong note with…
Edge vs. Alberto
Edge starts things off by scaring
Quick go behind by Del Rio results in Edge reversing it and tossing him from the ring. Edge rolls out and drapes Del Rio over the security barricade. Back in the ring, Edge finds it necessary to pose after one stomp…you go, boy! Edge immediately targets Del Rio’s left arm. The two men exchange punches, but Edge ends up with the advantage and returns to working on the arm. Edge tries a corner charge, but Del Rio moves and returns the favor by focusing on Edge’s shoulder. Commercial time!
I love that Domino’s wants us to believe that they’re spending millions of dollars to convince a few dozen people that their pizzas are good. It’s also funny that they’re taking people to a cow pasture to prove how good their cheese is. What’s that on your shoe…sniff sniff…uh oh.
After the break, Edge is punching out of a Del Rio hold. Del Rio, however, stops Edge’s comeback and goes right back to work on Edge’s arm and shoulder. Del Rio sends Edge to the outside and follows him out there to lay in a few kicks and drape Edge’s arm over the security rail. Back in the ring, Del Rio stays in control with another arm bar. Edge gets to his feet and lands a trio of punches before putting his head down and getting punted for his stupidity. Del Rio, however, hesitates before following up and goes flying through the ropes…I can’t even imagine what he was trying to do there, but it didn’t work.
After a brief respite, Del Rio tries to get back in the ring, but Edge dropkicks him off the apron. Edge tries to go to the top, but Del Rio meets him with a punch a series of headbutts. Edge retaliates with punches and Del Rio crashes to the mat. Edge follows up with a flying cross body and gets 2.85 on a pin attempt. Edge stays in command with a leaping forearm, a clothesline, and a pancake on Del Rio. The two men exchange reversals, but Del Rio wins out with a German suplex. Del Rio hoists Edge up in a fireman’s carry, but Edge elbows his way out and nails the impaler DDT to get a 2.75 (I know this was the exact time…I have a stopwatch on every count.) The crowd chants, “SPEAR,” so Edge…goes to the top rope. Way to please the fans, Adam. Del Rio stands up for the WWE Universe and hits Edge with a Ghetto Blaster and gets a 2.50 count before Edge grabs the bottom rope. Del Rio gets pissed and beats on Edge a bit before running off the ropes and…getting booted in the face. Edge makes his crazy spear face and tugs at his hair before Nexus’s music sounds and the group ruins yet another decent match. Why can’t these guys come out and ruin a Goldust/Zack Ryder match…or any match with Vance Archer in it?
Winner: No contest
The match was decent, but I’m taking off some major points because of the ending.
After the “beatdown,” and I’m using air quotes because Nexus administers the wimpiest beatdowns in the history of beatdowns, David Otunga gets on the mic and says what they’ve been saying for months now. Just out of curiosity, what happened to Michael Tarver? And when is Skip Sheffield coming back? I definitely think Hennig and Rotunda are better Nexus members, but it seems like Tarver and Sheffield should be back by now. Tarver sucked, but those skull face mask things he wore were kinda’ cool.
Anyway, after Otunga cuts a nine-second promo, Big Show comes out to inevitably beat these guys senseless…oh, wait, Big Show actually needs help to beat these guys? Out comes Rey Mysterio and, wait, Kane?!? Huh? I thought Rey and Kane hated each other? Seriously, WWE, there are like 25 guys on the roster…you couldn’t get any of them to be on this team?!? Like last week, I want to completely rant on WWE for their ridiculous lack of storyline continuity, but Vince is such an innocent victim, that I’m going to STAND UP and defend WWE by saying….errr, how about I just stop while I’m ahead?
After what seems like about three hours of commercials, Teddy Long boogies on out to tell us that the 10 participants in the previous clusterfuck will be in the main event tonight. While I’m not thrilled, I’m happy that the main event won’t be a 10-minute Kane segment.
Dolph Ziggler vs. JTG
Before the match, we’re treated to a recap of the Vickie/Kaitlyn fued. At least the WWE is applying some logic to this feud, as Ziggler wants the hot chick instead of the fat cow. I’m just waiting for Kaitlyn to turn on Dolph so she and Vickie can be PMS (Pretty Mean Sisters) version two. If you get that reference, you are a connoisseur of wrestlecrap.
Lately, Ziggler has been the victim of the WWE’s awesome strategy to put a belt on a guy and then have him lose a ton of non-title matches. It’s doubly awesome that he’s taking a back seat to a Vickie/Kaitlyn feud.
Ziggler immediately throws a beatdown on JTG until the former Cryme Tyme member blocks a punch and lays in a beating of his own. The ref pulls JTG away, allowing Ziggler to hit a boot and a neck breaker before going for a pin attempt. Ziggler doesn’t win, so he follows things up by rubbing JTG’s face in the mat. JTG manages a series of punches and a dropkick, but misses a big splash in the corner. JTG stumbles a few feet back, which is coincidentally right where he needs to be for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for the…what?!? Seriously? They’re not going to let him win this one either? Ziggler locks on a sleeper and actually does get the win. Man, they had me worried there.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
That match was short, but I’m going to give it some extra credit for it being a Ziggler win.
After the match, Kaitlyn comes out to congratulate Ziggler, but he tries to be all political…and then things take a turn for the horrible as Vickie comes screaming her way out. She smacks Kaitlyn and screams some more. This is agony.
Speaking of agony, later tonight, the newly broken up team of Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre will be two-thirds of a triple threat match with MVP to determine the number one contender for the intercontinental championship. That sounds AWESOME!
One of the commercials during this batch is for the WWE’s new game. If anyone has played it, let me know if it’s worth getting…I have last year’s edition…is this one any better? I read that the control scheme has changed and I’m a little concerned. I’m asking you, “Great” Scott Universe, STAND UP, and tell me what you think of SmackDown vs. RAW 2011.
After the commercials, the WWE decides to rub salt in my wounds by continuously replaying Vickie slapping Kaitlyn. It’s almost as if Vickie hits like a man….hmmmmmm…
Ah, Christ, next, the WWE decides to rub AIDS-infected salt into my wounds by cutting to a close up of Hornswoggle speaking gibberish to Teddy Long…well, at least he speaks the same language…do ya’ hear me, playa?
As if my wounds aren’t festering enough, Teddy makes Vickie vs. Kaitlyn a match for later tonight. Ugh.
Next, we’re treated to Nexus putting their feet and hands in the vicinity of Rey Mysterio. It’s good to see that he’s all alone in the back when he’s supposed to be part of this awesomely cohesive team that’s defending the honor of SmackDown.
We’re got Dunkin Donuts focusing on everything but donuts, and now we have Subway focusing on crappy breakfast sandwiches that no one with functioning taste buds would eat. Restaurants need to stick to what they do relatively well and quit trying to cater to everyone. Chick-fil-a doesn’t offer hamburgers and you don’t see them suffering, do you? I’m not going to McDonald’s to get a salad, and I’m not going to get breakfast at Subway.
When we return, David Otunga is sowing the seeds of discontent by telling his Nexus cohorts how successful they’ll be if they listen to him. Is it time for Nexus black and yellow and Nexus black and green? Out of nowhere, Josh Matthews comes in to ask one of the stupidest questions ever: “Why did you just beat up Rey Mysterio?” Really? Let’s think about that. Why would you want to give yourselves an advantage in a wrestling match? Hell, I would beat up a coworker if I could get away with it and it would earn me a raise. It’s all about proper motivation.
MVP vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre
Apparently, MVP has gotten new music. It sucks, so it fits.
The match starts with the former teammates talking smack, and then taking turns trying to attack MVP, like ninjas in the old martial arts movies. After yelling their plans so everyone can hear, the heels take down MVP and take turns stomping on him. MVP tries to fight back, but Cody takes advantage until Drew low bridges him, follows him to the outside, and then slams him on the entrance ramp. Since WWE is PG-13, we have to go to commercial to divert our eyes from the horrible violence.
PlayStation 3 proves that commercials can be funny without being stupid, condescending, or overly creepy. However, I would say that I’m pretty competitive, but I would never shout, “You’re adopted!” at someone to win at a video game.
After the commercials, we return to see Drew McIntryre punching the crap out of MVP in the corner. He follows the beating up with a short-arm clothesline and a modified half nelson/chinlock. MVP gets to his feet long enough for Rhodes to hit a dropkick off the top rope to send McIntyre flying. Rhodes follows this up with a knee drop, a Dusty punch, a fall forward suplex, another knee drop, and a pin attempt. After he doesn’t get the pin, Rhodes locks on a pretty nifty arm bar (sorta’ like a chicken wing) that he turns into a rear naked choke. MVP gets up and manages to hit an electric chair drop. All three men are down, but Rhodes gets up long enough to pop McIntyre and snap off a side Russian leg sweep on MVP. Rhodes tries for a cover, but only gets a two count. Rhodes and MVP then proceed to botch about four moves in a row before MVP rolls out of the ring. Rhodes decides maybe he’ll mess up less if he beats on McIntyre, so he tosses him to the barricade. Rhodes climbs to the top rope, but McIntyre crotches him on the turnbuckle. Rhodes recites a poem to McIntyre as he approaches, so McIntyre lands a series of headbutts and goes for a superplex. They wait in position for about a minute before MVP gets his lazy ass in the ring to perform a pretty cool suplex-within-a-suplex spot. MVP gets his second wind and starts to take out both men with his typical offense, but Drew McIntryre stops…err, no he doesn’t, as MVP does all of his moves again, punctuating things with the Ballin’ Elbow on McIntyre. All of a sudden, Michael Cole goes bipolar and becomes evil Michael Cole again, hating on MVP. He almost jizzes his pants when McIntyre regains control with a diving clothesline on MVP. McIntyre hoists MVP into the Futureshock DDT, but Rhodes has other plans, as he lands a leaping kick (with some gay name that one of the announcers says but I refuse to rewind to figure out). MVP, however, gets up and tosses Rhodes back outside. This allows MVP to hit his running kick on a prone Drew McIntyre to get the win.
While I’m not a huge fan of any of the participants, this match was pretty decent from a psychology and pacing standpoint. I’ll be fair; it was a good showing from all three guys.
Apparently, due to Rey’s beatdown, Kofi Kingston will be taking his spot in the main event. At least he isn’t in the middle of a feud with any of these guys.
Big Buck Hunter for the Wii…for those of you who are already pathetic enough to enjoy a sport where your opponent doesn’t know you’re playing (hunting)! If you can’t outsmart a deer, elk, or turkey, try the VIDEO GAME VERSION!
Burger King…from creepy king, to singing EMTs ignoring a guy with a broken neck, to guys hitting on their son’s girlfriend…dude, GET A NEW AD AGENCY!!
What’s worse than Burger King’s commercials? WWE knows…
Vickie Guerrero (with multiple chins) vs. Kaitlyn (with no last name)
One of the announcers (I don’t really care which one) trashes the match before it even starts by saying that WrestleMania is coming early. HEY, YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR WWE!! Kaitlyn actually tries to do something with the pile of shit she’s been handed, but Vickie just flops around like a beached whale and screams a lot. Vickie fakes as if she’s going to vomit, but Kaitlyn decides to beat on her some more. The crowd boos, more stuff happens, and then Vickie cheats to win. Kaitlyn looks like she couldn’t give two shits…and the crowd boos some more.
Winner: Vickie Guerrero (and no one else…at all)
Rating: Zero “Gs”
That match was absolutely terrible…there literally was no redeeming quality about it at all. Why not have Vickie find someone to fight for her…preferable someone who can do something more than scream and fall down? I feel bad for Kaitlyn…she’s beautiful and doesn’t look completely incompetent in the ring, and I think she’s funny when given material (She was awesome dressed up as Vickie for Halloween). She doesn’t seem to be a great ad-libber, but that’ll come with time, I think. Unfortunately, she’s stuck in this feud with a fat, talentless, charity case…it’s agony.
After that shit storm, we’re treated to WWE having celebrities STAND UP for them. Is this really necessary? Is this really going to change anyone’s mind about WWE? I can just see it now…gee, Bob Barker and Johnny Knoxville say WWE’s okay, I guess I was wrong about the steroids, the piss poor storylines, the overpriced merchandise, Vince being a self-serving asshole…Also, what EXACTLY are we standing up for? Vince’s first video is sorta’ vague? What are these uninformed people actually saying that needs to be stood up against?
I will, say, however, that Jewel is still SMOKING HOT. Maria Mennannanannanounos is, too.
When we return, we get a front row seat to MVP and Kaval getting beat down by Nexus. Boy, Kaval even loses when he’s not in matches. Next breakout star? Um…yeah.
Well, it’s a good thing the last match was so poor, because that’ll make the next match look like Steamboat/Flair.
Chris Masters vs. Tyler Reks
From surfer to caveman…interesting.
After some kicky-punchy action, Masters sends Reks to the outside, and then immediately rolls him back in. That was pretty pointless. Rekks lands three double axehandles and an elbow drop before needing to apply a rest hold. Masters escapes, but Reks hits a…no! Masters reverses a suplex and takes back control, eventually hitting a flying shoulderblock and a pair of clotheslines. Masters follows that with possibly the slowest corner splash in WWE history before nailing Reks with a spinebuster. Reks escapes from the Masterlock and then hits his torture-rack-to-DDT finisher for the win.
Winner: Tyler Reks
Eh…that match was pretty much what you’d expect from the two participants. It’s funny, Masters seems to be improving a little each time he goes out there, but he didn’t have much to work with this week.
Man, this week’s show seems to be very commercial heavy. It seems like about an hour before we get to…
Team Nexus vs. Team SmackDown
Yeah, I’m not typing out names. I’m not even thrilled about recapping a ten-man match. I think I’m just going to provide the highlights. If you don’t like it, go to Hulu and watch the match yourself.
With Kane on the SmackDown team, it would be awesome if The Undertaker comes back and leads Nexus. Odds are, most of Nexus was a druid at one point or another, anyway.
Another set of commercials…I’m thinking this main event will be about four minutes long.
Another Burger King commercial…and I’m wondering if my meat’s a quarter pound. Wow, I think I just disgusted myself.
The match starts with Kofi and his protégé, Joe Hennig. Kingston, of course, gets the better of things. Kingston tags to Show, who humorously says he’ll smack the red out of Heath Slater. Next, Edge beats on Hennig. Finally, Gabriel tags in, and more stuff happens. Rotunda’s in next, and he actually gets to do a move or two before tagging to Heath Slater. Edge finally manages a tag to Big Show, who detroys Heath Slater. At some point, Big Show accidentally knocks Del Rio off the apron. Kingston comes back in and beats on Slater, as well. Del Rio gets pissed about his role in things and leaves…which is so traumatizing that we need to go to more commercials.
Upon our return from commercials 1,342 through 1,349, Kingston is still beating on Slater. Eventually, Kingston takes out the entire Nexus team with a flying cross body. Otunga finally gets involved long enough to distract Kingston and allow Slater to get the jump on him. Nexus dominates for a few minutes, actually working pretty well as a team and hitting a few nice moves, until Kingston manages a suplex on Gabriel and tags Kane. What the hell is wrong with Otunga’s nose? Anyway, Kane beats the snot out of Otunga and signals for the chokeslam, but his teammates make the save. Big Show tries to help out, but Kane chokeslams him. Edge then decides to tag himself in, and then he runs into a chokeslam that he escapes from. He manages a spear on Kane, and then he spears Otunga to get the win. If the last few sentences seemed like a clusterfuck, then I successfully presented the end of this match.
Winners: Team SmackDown
That match was okay, pretty much by-the-book stuff…everything was decent until the end, which was a culmination of how illogical the teams were in the first place…so I guess WWE succeeded on that level.
Well, another show over and done with. Let’s hand out some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Week: Nothing was really great this week…everything was about average. However, I don’t want this non-existent award sitting around, so I’ll give it to the triple-threat match.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Week: The Vickie Guerrero match was absolutely terrible and may have very well claimed my soul. I might have to go to the doctor on Monday to have a transplant.
Well, folks, that’s it for another edition of my SmackDown recap. I’ll see you all again next week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).