WWE SmackDown Recap for November 5,
2010
Hello, everyone.
“Great” Scott is back from his Mexican cruise to
bring you yet another SmackDown recap. I’m in total
“lazy ass bastard” mode, so we’re skipping the pre-recap
frivolities and getting right to the show, which starts
on a strong note with…
Edge vs. Alberto
Edge starts things off by scaring
Quick go behind by Del Rio results in Edge reversing it
and tossing him from the ring. Edge rolls out
and drapes Del Rio over the security barricade. Back in the
ring, Edge finds it necessary to pose after one
stomp…you go, boy!
Edge immediately targets Del Rio’s left arm. The two men
exchange punches, but Edge ends up with the advantage
and returns to working on the arm. Edge tries a
corner charge, but Del Rio moves and returns the favor
by focusing on Edge’s shoulder. Commercial time!
I love that Domino’s wants us to believe that they’re
spending millions of dollars to convince a few dozen
people that their pizzas are good. It’s also funny
that they’re taking people to a cow pasture to prove how
good their cheese is. What’s that on
your shoe…sniff sniff…uh oh.
After the break, Edge is punching out of a Del Rio hold. Del Rio,
however, stops Edge’s comeback and goes right back to
work on Edge’s arm and shoulder. Del Rio sends
Edge to the outside and follows him out there to lay in
a few kicks and drape Edge’s arm over the security rail.
Back in the ring, Del Rio stays in control with another
arm bar.
Edge gets to his feet and lands a trio of punches before
putting his head down and getting punted for his
stupidity.
Del Rio, however, hesitates before following up
and goes flying through the ropes…I can’t even imagine
what he was trying to do there, but it didn’t work.
After
a brief respite, Del Rio tries to get back in the ring,
but Edge dropkicks him off the apron. Edge tries to go
to the top, but Del Rio meets him with a punch a series
of headbutts.
Edge retaliates with punches and Del Rio crashes
to the mat.
Edge follows up with a flying cross body and gets
2.85 on a pin attempt. Edge stays in
command with a leaping forearm, a clothesline, and a
pancake on Del Rio. The two men
exchange reversals, but Del Rio wins out with a German
suplex. Del
Rio hoists Edge up in a fireman’s carry, but Edge elbows
his way out and nails the impaler DDT to get a 2.75 (I
know this was the exact time…I have a stopwatch on every
count.) The
crowd chants, “SPEAR,” so Edge…goes to the top rope.
Way to please the fans, Adam. Del Rio stands
up for the WWE Universe and hits Edge with a Ghetto
Blaster and gets a 2.50 count before Edge grabs the
bottom rope.
Del Rio gets pissed and beats on Edge a bit
before running off the ropes and…getting booted in the
face. Edge
makes his crazy spear face and tugs at his hair before
Nexus’s music sounds and the group ruins yet another
decent match.
Why can’t these guys come out and ruin a
Goldust/Zack Ryder match…or any match with Vance Archer
in it?
Winner: No contest
Rating:
After the “beatdown,” and I’m using air quotes because
Nexus administers the wimpiest beatdowns in the history
of beatdowns, David Otunga gets on the mic and says what
they’ve been saying for months now. Just out of
curiosity, what happened to Michael Tarver? And when is Skip
Sheffield coming back? I definitely
think Hennig and Rotunda are better Nexus members, but
it seems like Tarver and Sheffield should be back by
now. Tarver
sucked, but those skull face mask things he wore were
kinda’ cool.
Anyway, after Otunga cuts a nine-second promo, Big Show
comes out to inevitably beat these guys senseless…oh,
wait, Big Show actually needs help to beat these guys? Out comes Rey
Mysterio and, wait, Kane?!? Huh? I thought Rey
and Kane hated each other? Seriously, WWE,
there are like 25 guys on the roster…you couldn’t get
any of them to be on this team?!? Like last week,
I want to completely rant on WWE for their ridiculous
lack of storyline continuity, but Vince is such an
innocent victim, that I’m going to STAND UP and defend
WWE by saying….errr, how about I just stop while I’m
ahead?
After what seems like about three hours of commercials,
Teddy Long boogies on out to tell us that the 10
participants in the previous clusterfuck will be in the
main event tonight.
While I’m not thrilled, I’m happy that the main
event won’t be a 10-minute Kane segment.
Dolph Ziggler vs. JTG
Before
the match, we’re treated to a recap of the
Vickie/Kaitlyn fued. At least the WWE
is applying some logic to this feud, as Ziggler wants
the hot chick instead of the fat cow. I’m just waiting
for Kaitlyn to turn on Dolph so she and Vickie can be
PMS (Pretty Mean Sisters) version two. If you get that
reference, you are a connoisseur of wrestlecrap.
Lately, Ziggler has been the victim of the WWE’s awesome
strategy to put a belt on a guy and then have him lose a
ton of non-title matches. It’s doubly
awesome that he’s taking a back seat to a Vickie/Kaitlyn
feud.
Ziggler immediately throws a beatdown on JTG until the
former Cryme Tyme member blocks a punch and lays in a
beating of his own.
The ref pulls JTG away, allowing Ziggler to hit a
boot and a neck breaker before going for a pin attempt.
Ziggler doesn’t win, so he follows things up by
rubbing JTG’s face in the mat. JTG manages a
series of punches and a dropkick, but misses a big
splash in the corner. JTG stumbles a
few feet back, which is coincidentally right where he
needs to be for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for
the…what?!?
Seriously?
They’re not going to let him win this one either?
Ziggler locks on
a sleeper and actually does get the win. Man, they had me
worried there.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
That match was short, but I’m going to give it some
extra credit for it being a Ziggler win.
After the match, Kaitlyn comes out to congratulate
Ziggler, but he tries to be all political…and then
things take a turn for the horrible as Vickie comes
screaming her way out.
She smacks Kaitlyn and screams some more. This is agony.
Speaking of agony, later tonight, the newly broken up
team of Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre will be two-thirds
of a triple threat match with MVP to determine the
number one contender for the intercontinental
championship. That sounds
AWESOME!
One of the commercials during this batch is for the
WWE’s new game.
If anyone has played it, let me know if it’s
worth getting…I have last year’s edition…is this one any
better? I
read that the control scheme has changed and I’m a
little concerned.
I’m asking you, “Great” Scott Universe, STAND UP,
and tell me what you think of SmackDown vs. RAW 2011.
After the commercials, the WWE decides to rub salt in my
wounds by continuously replaying Vickie slapping
Kaitlyn.
It’s almost as if Vickie hits like a
man….hmmmmmm…
Ah, Christ, next, the WWE decides to rub AIDS-infected
salt into my wounds by cutting to a close up of
Hornswoggle speaking gibberish to Teddy Long…well, at
least he speaks the same language…do ya’ hear me, playa?
As if my wounds aren’t festering enough, Teddy makes
Vickie vs. Kaitlyn a match for later tonight.
Ugh.
Next, we’re treated to Nexus putting their feet and
hands in the vicinity of Rey Mysterio. It’s good to see
that he’s all alone in the back when he’s supposed to be
part of this awesomely cohesive team that’s defending
the honor of SmackDown.
We’re got Dunkin Donuts focusing on everything but
donuts, and now we have Subway focusing on crappy
breakfast sandwiches that no one with functioning taste
buds would eat.
Restaurants need to stick to what they do
relatively well and quit trying to cater to everyone.
Chick-fil-a doesn’t offer hamburgers and you
don’t see them suffering, do you? I’m not going to
McDonald’s to get a salad, and I’m not going to get
breakfast at Subway.
When we return, David Otunga is sowing the seeds of
discontent by telling his Nexus cohorts how successful
they’ll be if they listen to him. Is it time for
Nexus black and yellow and Nexus black and green? Out of
nowhere, Josh Matthews comes in to ask one of the
stupidest questions ever: “Why did you just beat up Rey
Mysterio?”
Really?
Let’s think about that. Why would you
want to give yourselves an advantage in a wrestling
match?
Hell, I would beat up a coworker if I could get
away with it and it would earn me a raise. It’s all about
proper motivation.
MVP vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre
Apparently, MVP has gotten new music. It sucks, so it
fits.
The
match starts with the former teammates talking smack,
and then taking turns trying to attack MVP, like ninjas
in the old martial arts movies. After yelling
their plans so everyone can hear, the heels take down
MVP and take turns stomping on him. MVP tries to
fight back, but Cody takes advantage until Drew low
bridges him, follows him to the outside, and then slams
him on the entrance ramp. Since WWE is
PG-13, we have to go to commercial to divert our eyes
from the horrible violence.
PlayStation 3 proves that commercials can be funny
without being stupid, condescending, or overly creepy. However, I would
say that I’m pretty competitive, but I would never
shout, “You’re adopted!” at someone to win at a video
game.
After the commercials, we return to see Drew McIntryre
punching the crap out of MVP in the corner. He follows the
beating up with a short-arm clothesline and a modified
half nelson/chinlock. MVP gets to his
feet long enough for Rhodes to hit a dropkick off the
top rope to send McIntyre flying. Rhodes follows
this up with a knee drop, a Dusty punch, a fall forward
suplex, another knee drop, and a pin attempt. After he doesn’t
get the pin, Rhodes locks on a pretty nifty arm bar
(sorta’ like a chicken wing) that he turns into a rear
naked choke.
MVP gets up and manages to hit an electric chair
drop. All
three men are down, but Rhodes gets up long enough to
pop McIntyre and snap off a side Russian leg sweep on
MVP. Rhodes
tries for a cover, but only gets a two count. Rhodes and MVP
then proceed to botch about four moves in a row before
MVP rolls out of the ring. Rhodes decides
maybe he’ll mess up less if he beats on McIntyre, so he
tosses him to the barricade. Rhodes climbs to
the top rope, but McIntyre crotches him on the
turnbuckle.
Rhodes recites a poem to McIntyre as he
approaches, so McIntyre lands a series of headbutts and
goes for a superplex. They wait in
position for about a minute before MVP gets his lazy ass
in the ring to perform a pretty cool
suplex-within-a-suplex spot. MVP gets his
second wind and starts to take out both men with his
typical offense, but Drew McIntryre stops…err, no he
doesn’t, as MVP does all of his moves again, punctuating
things with the Ballin’ Elbow on McIntyre. All of a sudden,
Michael Cole goes bipolar and becomes evil Michael Cole
again, hating on MVP. He almost jizzes
his pants when McIntyre regains control with a diving
clothesline on MVP. McIntyre hoists
MVP into the Futureshock DDT, but Rhodes has other
plans, as he lands a leaping kick (with some gay name
that one of the announcers says but I refuse to rewind
to figure out).
MVP, however, gets up and tosses Rhodes back
outside.
This allows MVP to hit his running kick on a
prone Drew McIntyre to get the win.
Winner:
MVP
Rating:
While I’m not a huge fan of any of the participants,
this match was pretty decent from a psychology and
pacing standpoint.
I’ll be fair; it was a good showing from all
three guys.
Apparently, due to Rey’s beatdown, Kofi Kingston will be
taking his spot in the main event. At least he
isn’t in the middle of a feud with any of these guys.
Big Buck Hunter for the Wii…for those of you who are
already pathetic enough to enjoy a sport where your
opponent doesn’t know you’re playing (hunting)! If you can’t
outsmart a deer, elk, or turkey, try the VIDEO GAME
VERSION!
Burger King…from creepy king, to singing EMTs ignoring a
guy with a broken neck, to guys hitting on their son’s
girlfriend…dude, GET A NEW AD AGENCY!!
What’s worse than Burger King’s commercials? WWE knows…
Vickie Guerrero (with multiple chins) vs.
Kaitlyn (with no last name)
One of the announcers (I don’t really care which one)
trashes the match before it even starts by saying that
WrestleMania is coming early. HEY, YOU NEED TO
STAND UP FOR WWE!!
Kaitlyn actually tries to do something with the
pile of shit she’s been handed, but Vickie just flops
around like a beached whale and screams a lot. Vickie fakes as
if she’s going to vomit, but Kaitlyn decides to beat on
her some more.
The crowd boos, more stuff happens, and then
Vickie cheats to win. Kaitlyn looks
like she couldn’t give two shits…and the crowd boos some
more.
Winner: Vickie Guerrero
(and no one else…at all)
Rating:
Zero “Gs”
That
match was absolutely terrible…there literally was no
redeeming quality about it at all. Why not have
Vickie find someone to fight for her…preferable someone
who can do something more than scream and fall down?
I feel bad for Kaitlyn…she’s beautiful and doesn’t look
completely incompetent in the ring, and I think she’s
funny when given material (She was awesome dressed up as
Vickie for Halloween). She doesn’t seem
to be a great ad-libber, but that’ll come with time, I
think.
Unfortunately, she’s stuck in this feud with a
fat, talentless, charity case…it’s agony.
After that shit storm, we’re treated to WWE having
celebrities STAND UP for them.
Is this really necessary? Is this really
going to change anyone’s mind about WWE? I can just see it
now…gee, Bob Barker and Johnny Knoxville say WWE’s okay,
I guess I was wrong about the steroids, the piss poor
storylines, the overpriced merchandise, Vince being a
self-serving asshole…Also, what EXACTLY are we standing
up for?
Vince’s first video is sorta’ vague? What are these
uninformed people actually saying that needs to be stood
up against?
I will, say, however, that Jewel is still SMOKING HOT.
Maria Mennannanannanounos is, too.
When we return, we get a front row seat to MVP and Kaval
getting beat down by Nexus. Boy, Kaval even
loses when he’s not in matches. Next breakout
star?
Um…yeah.
Well, it’s a good thing the last match was so poor,
because that’ll make the next match look like
Steamboat/Flair.
Chris Masters vs. Tyler Reks
From surfer to caveman…interesting.
After some kicky-punchy action, Masters sends Reks to
the outside, and then immediately rolls him back in. That was pretty
pointless.
Rekks lands three double axehandles and an elbow
drop before needing to apply a rest hold. Masters escapes,
but Reks hits a…no! Masters reverses
a suplex and takes back control, eventually hitting a
flying shoulderblock and a pair of clotheslines. Masters follows
that with possibly the slowest corner splash in WWE
history before nailing Reks with a spinebuster. Reks escapes
from the Masterlock and then hits his
torture-rack-to-DDT finisher for the win.
Winner:
Tyler Reks
Rating:
Eh…that match was pretty much what you’d expect from the
two participants.
It’s funny, Masters seems to be improving a
little each time he goes out there, but he didn’t have
much to work with this week.
Man, this week’s show seems to be very commercial heavy. It seems like
about an hour before we get to…
Team Nexus vs. Team SmackDown
Yeah,
I’m not typing out names. I’m not even
thrilled about recapping a ten-man match. I think I’m just
going to provide the highlights. If you don’t
like it, go to Hulu and watch the match yourself.
With Kane on the SmackDown team, it would be awesome if
The Undertaker comes back and leads Nexus. Odds are, most
of Nexus was a druid at one point or another, anyway.
Another set of commercials…I’m thinking this main event
will be about four minutes long.
Another Burger King commercial…and I’m wondering if my
meat’s a quarter pound.
Wow, I think I just disgusted myself.
The match starts with Kofi and his protégé, Joe Hennig. Kingston, of
course, gets the better of things. Kingston tags to
Show, who humorously says he’ll smack the red out of
Heath Slater.
Next, Edge beats on Hennig. Finally, Gabriel
tags in, and more stuff happens. Rotunda’s in
next, and he actually gets to do a move or two before
tagging to Heath Slater. Edge finally
manages a tag to Big Show, who detroys Heath Slater.
At some point, Big Show accidentally knocks Del Rio off
the apron.
Kingston comes back in and beats on Slater, as
well. Del
Rio gets pissed about his role in things and
leaves…which is so traumatizing that we need to go to
more commercials.
Upon our return from commercials 1,342 through 1,349,
Kingston is still beating on Slater. Eventually,
Kingston takes out the entire Nexus team with a flying
cross body.
Otunga finally gets involved long enough to
distract Kingston and allow Slater to get the jump on
him. Nexus
dominates for a few minutes, actually working pretty
well as a team and hitting a few nice moves, until
Kingston manages a suplex on Gabriel and tags Kane. What the hell is
wrong with Otunga’s nose? Anyway, Kane
beats the snot out of Otunga and signals for the
chokeslam, but his teammates make the save. Big Show tries
to help out, but Kane chokeslams him. Edge then
decides to tag himself in, and then he runs into a
chokeslam that he escapes from. He manages a
spear on Kane, and then he spears Otunga to get the win.
If the last few sentences seemed like a clusterfuck,
then I successfully presented the end of this match.
Winners:
Team SmackDown
Rating:
That match was okay, pretty much by-the-book
stuff…everything was decent until the end, which was a
culmination of how illogical the teams were in the first
place…so I guess WWE succeeded on that level.
Well, another show over and done with. Let’s hand out
some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Week: Nothing was
really great this week…everything was about average.
However, I don’t want this non-existent award
sitting around, so I’ll give it to the triple-threat
match.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Week: The Vickie
Guerrero match was absolutely terrible and may have very
well claimed my soul. I might have to
go to the doctor on Monday to have a transplant.
Well, folks, that’s it for another edition of my
SmackDown recap.
I’ll see you all again next week!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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