Good evening. So,
Bragging Rights actually wasn't all that bad, right?
Cena vs Orton WASN'T an hour ofchinlocks (though it
was far from perfect) and, the big news I guess is
that SMACKDOWN IS THE BEST YAAAYWOO. And, someone
somewhere was listening to me, as Batista is a heel
again! He still sucks, but he was so fucking stale
as a face. I applaud this decision.
with a recap of Batista beating the fuck out of Rey
- Rey is DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION tonight which I'm
sure will be very cordial and democratic. And wow -
MATT STRIKER is with Tard on commentary tonight.
Cool. I always liked Striker, even if he gets a bit
obscure-reference heavy (especially when talking
about Yoshi Tatsu). Definitely a marked improvement
from King and Cole. Things are off to a good start.
Teddy Long is out. Teddy congratulates Team
SmackDown to a mixed reaction. He talks about
Batista (to quiet boos). Batista and Rey Mysterio
will be having a "heart to heart conversation" to
settle their differences. Well, it's a more unique
differences-settler than, say, a cage match, I
guess. Teddy talks about the number one
contendership for the World Heavyweight Title and
the mention of Big Show brings out Jericho, still in
hisSmackDown shirt from Bragging Rights, carrying
his tag titles and the Bragging Rights trophy -
which Long immediately takes, playa, because it's
the "property of SmackDown". Jericho of course says
it's HIS BECAUSE HE'S A GENIUS etc. He continues
with the ME ME ME ME stuff before being interrupted
by KAAAAAANE, who disputes the term 'single-handed'
which Jericho used. "In case you forgot, Chris, I
was the co-captain". Yes, I'm pretty sure everybody
forgot, thanks for the reminder. Anyway, Kane winds
up threatening to chokeslamJericho (to cheers) as
Long begs him off, inevitably leading to a match
being made between Chris Jericho and Kane for
tonight, with the winner getting a spot in the World
Heavyweight Title match with Show and Taker. So I
can see another half-hearted face turn for Kane
here. I can't, however, see him in the World Title
picture, so It'll be Taker defending against Jericho
and Big Show, me thinks. ADVERTISING.
match! With guys I like!
Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs Dolph
Intercontinental title is only meant to be defended
only in North or South America, or something,
according to Striker. Uhhh, what? Ziggler and
Morrison both have mics, Ziggler pointing out that
Morrison was the only SmackDown guy who lost at
Bragging Rights. Morrison responds by basically
sayingZiggler suffers from premature ejaculation.
Alrighty. They start with a couple of lockups, and
Ziggler takes charge very briefly with a headlock
and a shoulderblock but soon eats a flapjack and a
standing SSP for two. Ziggler gets tripped up but
shoots Morrison into the post for a one-count. A
flurry of punches and a nice powerslam lead into a
screaming elbow and a two-count. Striker just said
Ziggler has "nice abs". There are oohs and
aahscoming from the crowd which I think may be sadly
piped in. Headlock by Ziggler, who pitches Morrison
into the corner before hitting a nice inverted
powerslam for two. ADVERTISING.
Ziggler has some sort of crazy headlock on Morrison.
Hey, man... what happened to sleeper holds? Not only
were they commonplace but they could get a pop. I
think the last person I saw use a sleeper hold was
fucking Santino. Huh. Anyway, a rolling neck snap
gets two for Ziggler, so he resorts to slamming
Morrison's head into the mat and slapping him around
a little. Headlockery. Ziggler has a band-aid stuck
to his back. Where did that come from. Morrison
backdrops Ziggler to escape the headlock and the two
exchange strikes. Morrison hits a clothesline, a
forearm and a very good leg lariat which gets two.
Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker but gets hooked in a
backslide for two. Nice scoop slam gets Ziggler
another two. Tard said this could be the biggest
victory for Dolph since 'getting Maria to go out
with him'. Ziggler leaps, going for a Zig Zag, but
Morrison catches his legs and catapults Dolph into
the corner, but he lands on the ropes and leaps off
over Morrison - turning right into a Chuck kick.
Morrison goes for the cover but Ziggler's foot is on
the rope. Morrison dragsZiggler over for Starship
Pain but Ziggler rolls to the outside, sweeping
Morrison's leg when he goes to follow. Striker said
'that ring apron is made of STEEL'. Outside the
ring, Ziggler delivers a sort of wheelbarrow
flapjack thing (dunno the name, but I know more than
Tard, who called it a "slam") onto the announce
table, which is enough to get Morrison counted out.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
That wasn't too bad. Nine
minutes, pretty well paced. They were really trying
out there but this crowd is fucking DEAD. Ziggler
looked like a contender.
It is now time for a
VERY VERY DRAMATIC slow-motion replay of Batista
ripping Rey's head off. Well, he didn't literally do
that. It was a clothesline. Still. TO THE BACK for
some muttering with Vince and Teddy and the trophy.
Vince congratulates Teddy and says he MIGHT BE OFF
PROBATION if he keeps it up. CM Punk interrupts,
complaining about the World Title match as usual. He
wants to be in it. Somehow, we enterBizarro World
from here - later on, CM Punk is facing Scott
Armstrong. Oh man. Gimme a match, now.
Beth Phoenix vs Jenny Brooks
Chimel accidentally said "weighing in at" when
introducing Jobbertastic Jenny Brooks, who looks to
weigh about as much as a photograph of herself. So I
think he improvised and said 110 pounds. We all know
Divas are WEIGHTLESS. Apparently they have a storied
past, Brooks is some old adversary from Beth's
amateur days. Uhh, okay. Phoenix of course
pounds the tar out of Brooks, kicking her to the
outside after seconds. After a five-count, Phoenix
drags her back in and delivers a (very) delayed
vertical suplex and a choke/backbreaker thing.
Brooks flails pathetically to escape the choke, but
eats a clothesline. Glam Slam follows, and Beth
pauses to fix her hair before getting the pin.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Functional squash match. Served to
"reintroduce" Beth, but she's been around a while,
people know what she can do.
Oh, whee, yay,
whoopdy-do and wow, there's a Divas Halloween
costume shitfest hosted by Cryme Tyme after another
slow-mo Batista/Rey replay and ADVERTISING.
The smug douchetards who did the new SmackDown theme
are in the front row. Fuck you. And speaking of fuck
you, here's "Princess Vickie Guerrero" in some
horrible medieval dress. She introduces her "Prince
Charming" Eric Escobar, who sadly is not in costume
like his pig woman. The crowd is completely silent
for Escobar, but pop like motherfuckers for his
opponent, a notably slimmer Matt Hardy.
Matt Hardy vs Eric Escobar w/ Vickie Guerrero
Hardy! Hardy! Hardy! Yeah, you can tell where this
is going. Escobar, Latino No Heat, got a win over
Hardy a couple of weeks ago using his amazing
finisher the ring post shot! That's right, he's
right out of 1986. Much like this match, actually,
which only peps up when Hardy hits a goddamn
moonsault. Which gets two. Hardy sells a knee injury
after this, and Escobar heels all over it for a very
long time. Escobar hesitates after hitting abodyslam,
and Hardy just hits an anticlimactic Twist Of Fate
for the win. Wow that was shitty.
Winner: Matt Hardy
looked completely useless out there. And I think the
finish was botched, and Hardy rushed the TOF to end
it early. Or something. Either way it was a shitty
Another Slo-mo ultradramatic recap of
Batista/Rey, and we see Rey looking very moody in a
leather jacket as we go to ADVERTISING.
and we get a super-long super-dramatic vid package
of the whole finish of the World Heavyweight Title
match from Bragging Rights with piano music and
everything. Batista's acting was rather poor but I
actually really liked the way he said "I'm gonna rip
your head off." Rey's out and I coulda swore I heard
a few boos. I actually think this crowd is just dead
as shit, and all the reactions are being piped in.
Rey gets a mic and completely fails to connect with
the crowd. "Batista beat me down" *silence* "he beat
me down real bad" *silence* "he's my best friend in
the world *silence*. He says he's giving Batista the
benefit of the doubt and calls him out to get an
explanation. Out comes DAVE - to something of a pop.
These aren't boos I'm hearing. Oh, there's some I
guess... Good god this crowd is totally fucking
DEAD. They all just seem to be staring nonchalantly
at the ring, taking pictures now and again. Batista
gives Rey a chance to just take his ball and get the
fuck out, but Rey says no. He's willing to let
bygones be bygones. He calls him 'dog' a few times,
as well as 'homie' which makes me crack up. Crowd =
dead. Batista smirks. They manfully try to engage
the crowd with a bit of drama. Rey says accepting
the spot in the 4-way was his biggest mistake ever.
Batista gives him one last chance to get the fuck
out of the ring. Rey brings up Eddie. Batista says
"Eddie's dead" which FINALLY elicits some proper
booing. He says he's only thinking of himself before
throwing the mic down and very slowly exiting the
ring, with one eye on Rey, who looks rather
BACK. Ozzy and Sharon
Osbourne are hosting Raw. That's a potential car
crash right there, but fuck it, I'm in for that.
It's Ozzy. Coming after those fucking NASCAR dweebs,
he'll be a master orator. DAVE is walking moodily
around backstage. Matt Hardy confronts him, hoping
to 'reach out', saying 'don't make the same mistakes
I did'. DAVE just chuckles and walks off - but as
Matt turns his back, Batista comes back and shoves
him rather crappily into the wall. Ooh, another
Drew McIntyre vs Finlay
McIntyre (19 stone is 266 pounds by the way, which
is a little fucking generous) looks nonchalant and
pretty cool until he gets in the ring and tries out
an entrance pose which is hilariously gay. He gets
on the mic and says he never wanted to be on Team
SmackDown in the first place. McIntyre doesn't wait
for Finlay to get in the ring, simply booting him on
the way in before beating the fuck out of him
outside the ring. McIntyre, apparently pleased with
the non-match, walks off.
What was the point of that? He did
this with R-Truth and their feud never went
anywhere. What's the point of putting him with
Finlay? Guh. ADVERTISING.
BACK and it's time
to cry/masturbate/both, it's the DIVAS HALLOWEEN
COSTUME SHITFEST! Hosted by CrymeTyme, because who
the fuck else would do it? Undertaker? That I'd
like. Uhhh so we have the gigantic sum of FOUR divas
here (Beth Phoenix is absent and way too good for
this, Maria obviously got lost on her way to the
arena) - and Cryme Tyme go to each one in turn and
they sort of dance around and make fools of
themselves. We have Natalya (a matador), Michelle
McCool (a devil), Layla (Michael Jackson...)
and Mickie James (Elektra). It's a bunch of annoying
horseshit, of course. I use it as an excellent
opportunity to have a cigarette outside. Lovely
evening. Anyway, Mickie wins, because she's the only
face there, despite Layla getting a surprising pop
for her MJ impersonation. Clusterfuck with all four
follows, McCool (who looks fugly as fuck) beats
Mickie down and the whole thing is mercifully over.
Oh fuck, CM Punk vs Scott Armstrong is the main
ADVERTISING, take your
BACK. Shilling WrestleMania 26 by
showing clips of WrestleMania 25 is a little
self-defeating. It was horseshit apart from
HBK/Taker. Okay, nobody says "CM Punk" as good as
Tony Chimel. Punk's looking confident. I wonder why!
Will Scott Armstrong have a TitanTron? This could be
CM Punk vs Scott Armstrong
Armstrong gets no Tron, sadly. Just a spotlight and
a sole, hilarious wolf whistle. The crowd is near
enough silent. Punk pounces on Armstrong and starts
shouting and complaining and shit. An 'Undertaker'
chant slowly builds - as Armstrong busts out a
couple of decent punches! (Yeah, I know he used to
be a wrestler but come on, he looks like a zombie).
Punk kicks him a bunch of times and slaps him around
a little before mercifully hitting the GTS for the
Winner: CM Punk
THE DECADE. No, there's no real point in rating
that, I don't think. So I completely forgot about
Kane vs Chris Jericho being the main event. Here I
am thinking that CM Punk vs Scott The Referee
Armstrong is gonna go 15 minutes. Damn!
Chris Jericho vs Kane, winner enters the World
Heavyweight Championship match at Survivor Series
Jericho is evasive to start with, before making the
executive decision of slapping Kane in the face. He
actually looks to take charge after this for a few
moments, but he comes off the ropes for a crossbody
which Kane catches and he gets slammed the fuck
down. Things go back and forth in a slow, slightly
boring manner. I think they've noticed the crowd is
completely lifeless and they're just gonna half-ass
it. I don't blame them. Striker is excellent on
commentary tonight, actually. Nothing at all
interesting happens in the first half of the match,
Jericho shoves Kane outside as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and Jericho is quite comfortably controlling
the match. Kane, you're a bitch. The trouble here is
that Jericho has the ability to improvise, he's very
good at calling matches in the ring, and Kane is,
largely due to his size, very much a by-the-numbers
wrestler, and there's only so much he can do. As
such, here, Kane looks outclassed and Jericho looks
bored. Kane's first bit of major offense is a big
boot which gets two. Kane goes for a sidewalk slam
but Jericho flips out and hits a Codebreaker - for
two. Jericho hits a Lionsault but Kane immediately
hits a big chokeslam because one of Kane's special
skills is no-selling. Jericho rolls out of the ring,
limp. Kane gives chase, because he's an idiot. He
rolls Jericho back in to pin him, and only gets two.
Duuuhh, I'm Kane. I'm stupid. Duuuh. Jericho escapes
a powerslam attempt and hits a chop block before
slapping on the Walls. Kane wails for a little bit
before crawling over to the ropes. Jericho gleefully
runs over to Kane, straight into a stiff right hand.
Kane then climbs to the top rope, like you do if
you're seven feet fucking tall. "When Kane ascends
the top rope, it's never good!" - Striker. Jericho
just crotches Kane, going for a superplex (ha!) but
Kane headbutts him down. Kane gently hops off the
top rope into a mid-air Codebreaker (which must've
looked like shit, there was a clumsy edit in there)
- for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Sloppy, predictable match which
sorta did its job I guess. There is no place for
Kane in the World Title scene anymore. Jericho tried
his best but Kane is only good at squash matches.
He's dreadful at selling and psychology. The only
thing he does that looks good every time is a
fucking punch. So yeah, Jericho's facing Show and
Taker for the World Title at Survivor Series. Hmm.
Jericho and Show are the Unified Tag Team Champions
already. So surely they'll get into a fight and
Undertaker will just fucking re
tain, right? Too
predictable? Time for some kerrraaaazzzzy booking,
WWE! Surprise me!
YES: Morrison/Ziggler was
the highlight by some distance, but Beth looked good
in her squash match, for what that was worth. Matt
Striker is a great borderline-heel commentator, very
smart. I'd pair him up with JR and dump Tard. But
that won't happen. And Batista is a heel, which is
not mind-blowing but it's progress. His promo stuff
with Rey was alright.
Another Drew McIntyre non-match, a pointless match
pitting CM Punk against a referee, a Diva costume
contest and an Eric Escobar 'match' all in one
night, in front of a completely silent crowd? The
shit-detector's gone haywire, cap'n!
WHAT?: Halloween show, with no Undertaker
at all. Logic! I guess he tried out some new hair
care product which left him bald. Or something funny
like that. Layla getting a pop for her MJ
impersonation was quite funny. I bet the idea was
for the crowd to hate it, because she's a heel. Oh,
and Natalya - who the hell dresses as a matador for
Halloween? I also didn't need to see Shad running
around acting like a bull.
THE A-SHOW, THE
BEST SHOW WWE HAS TO OFFER... wasn't all that great
tonight. A messy show, no doubt. Oh well. It's not
often SmackDown has two bad shows back to back, so
I'm expecting better next week. I'm Ian Sparke, and
I can't talk no more, I got mouths to feed. Both of
which are mine.