Double-Sized SmackDown Recap
for October 22 and 29
Hello, readers! "Great" Scott is back with a special, twice as agoniz….err, interesting double-sized SmackDown recap. I would like to say that I'm doing these two recaps together because I'm analyzing a pre- and post-PPV show to see what the effect is, but I'm really doing this because I bought Fallout: New Vegas last week and was really in no mood to watch what was sure to be a Kane/Undertaker-dominated crapfest. I'm nothing if not honest.
Before we get to this double-sized recap, I'd like to let you know that's being sponsored (as always, unofficially) by Frosted Flakes. Just like yours truly, Frosted Flakes are "G-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-reat!"
I really tried hard to think of a non-wrestling-related rant for this week…okay, I gave it about three minutes and couldn't come up with anything of any substance, so let's skip it and get straight to the show.
I'm usually typing something during the intro, so I haven't noticed before, but, man do they shoot off a lot of pyro to begin the show. This is sure an exciting way to start the show, which is exactly the OPPOSITE of the way they're going to end the show, since the main event is Randy Orton vs. Kane. Jeesums, who's going to sell in that match?
The camera zooms quickly on the ring, and we see that the RAW and SmackDown teams for Bragging Rights are both in the ring, staring angrily at each other. I guess Ezekiel Jackson was the mystery final member of the team. Whee?
Things are quickly ruined, as Teddy Long comes out to talk. Right off, he contradicts what the WWE has been saying all along, telling us that the match at Bragging Rights will be an elimination match. Up until now, I thought it was going to be a straight up match…way to keep things consistent, WWE. Oh, wait, I can't pick on WWE because they're getting bullied by the ignorant media. I'm going to STAND UP for WWE!!! Okay, I just stood up and sat back down again. It's hard to type standing up.
Anyway, Teddy allows the superstars to make their matches for the evening, and here's how it goes.
The Miz makes the first match a six-man tag with himself, Ezekiel Jackson, and Sheamus. Big Show counters by picking Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio. At least one guy picked intelligently.
Edge speaks up next and he challenges CM Punk.
John Morrison grabs the microphone, makes a Menudo joke (that two percent of the audience will probably get) and challenges Alberto Del Rio.
Jack Swagger doesn't have much left to pick from, so he takes Santino.
Tyler Reks apparently doesn't merit a match…which is about right. R-Truth apparently doesn’t even merit getting to show up…also about right.
After this, the announcers do their thing, which for Michael Cole is botching the name of the PPV, and we head to the ring for the first match.
Big Show, Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz, Sheamus, and Ezekiel Jackson
Rey Mysterio starts off with Sheamus, and the Irishman
quickly goes to town on his smaller opponent. Rey fights back
with quickness, culminating in a flying head scissors.
Sheamus ends Rey's momentum with a shoulderblock,
a clothesline, and some typical big man offense. Sheamus
eventually puts his head down, allowing Rey to kick him
and make the tag to
When we return,
Winners: Big Show,
That match was just kinda' okay. Everyone got in, but nobody really did very much. If they had given this match another five minutes or so, it would've been better.
After the break, we're taken back to Hell in a Cell to the beginning of the whole "Cena's in Nexus" angle. I'll admit that this isn't as stupid as it could be, but it's getting there. I loved the Cena/Orton vs. Hennig/Rotunda match…because Cena and Orton need the push. I also love how Cena wants to save Orton now...Vince wants me to stand up for WWE and he thinks I have the attention span of a two year old.
As if that weren't bad enough, we head to the back to Josh Matthews interviewing Dolph Ziggler. I will say that Dolph does a pretty funny interview. Of course, nothing is good when Vickie is involved.
Hopefully, we can recover from that Vickie sighting with our next match.
Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin' Eagle) vs. Santino (with the Crazy Coilin' Cobra)
I notice someone in the audience is dressed up like Nikolai Volkoff for Halloween…that guy is officially AWESOME. After a sloppy beginning, Swagger rolls around with Santino until Santino is forced to roll outside. The Swagger Soarin’ Eagle sees this as a chance to get involved, but Irish music cues up and my night just got worse. Now, for some reason, Hornswoggle chases the eagle away, despite the fact that Swagger is on Team SmackDown. I would point out how stupid that logic is, but Vince would get mad that I’m not standing up for WWE. Santino gets back in the ring and Swagger shoves him a few times before the Italian gets angry and takes him down. Santino’s offense is short lived, as Swagger beats on him and tosses him outside. Again, logic rules the day, as Hornswoggle helps Santino take out the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle with a Cobra Punch and tadpole splash. Back in the ring, Santino goes through his only few moves (split, hip toss, saluting headbutt) and tries for a pin, but can’t manage a victory. Santino preps the cobra, but Swagger slaps on the ankle lock and gets the submission victory. Matt Striker makes a Cobra and Destro joke to put the cherry on the sundae.
Winner: Jack Swagger
That match was average for a comedy match, but I’m going to take away a half point for the stupidity of Hornswoggle defending a RAW guy.
As I said last week, I am convinced that the Knucklehead movie was made to make Legendary look good.
Dude, in that Skittles commercial, does that guy have a Skittles tree for a penis? And does he squirt Skittles when his mom tickles him?!?! Sweet Jesus, what the holy hell??!?!
Next up, Cody Rhodes grooming tips. This week, in the ultimate bit of irony, Cody is going to talk about keeping your lips healthy. Unfortunately, if you follow Cody’s tips, you’ll end up a lisping douche bag like him, so proceed with caution.
Thank God for the fact that the next match is…
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison
Morrison’s entrance doesn’t work as well when he has a RAW t-shirt on.
Another awesome audience observation…I think the guy next to Nikolai Volkoff is dressed like the Iron Sheik, and he has an “I will make you humble” sign…which is officially DOUBLE AWESOME.
The two men tie up and Del Rio forces Morrison to the corner. Del Rio pops Morrison with a kick, and Morrison returns the favor. Del Rio regains control with a back breaker and then locks on a modified camel clutch/chinlock. Morrison fights up with some shots to the midsection, but Del Rio stays on the offense with a kick in the back and a side suplex. Del Rio continues to work over Morrison’s back until Morrison lands a series of punches. Del Rio tries to charge Morrison, but Del Rio ends up upside down in the corner. Morrison follows with a spinning heel kick and a pin attempt. Morrison tries to follow up, but Del Rio ducks and hits a German suplex with a bridge. Del Rio sets up Morrison for a ghetto blaster in the corner, but Morrison ducks and goes for Starship Pain. Del Rio gets his knees up and clamps on the cross arm breaker. Morrison almost immediately taps.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
That was a better-than-average match. Good stuff from both men. Nothing super fancy, but a solid performance all the way around.
When we get back from the commercials, we’re treated to the RAW Rebound, where Edge does what he does in every battle royal and comes back in after taking a 15-minute-plus break to win. Fun.
Edge vs. CM Punk
CM Punk is essentially getting to Vance Archer levels here…I think his last victory was over JTG, which speaks volumes.
I notice R-Truth is in the graphic…where the hell is he? At least Tyler Reks is on the show.
Punk takes control with some basic chain wrestling, and Edge returns the favor with a side headlock, a shoulderblock, and a side headlock takedown. Punk finally backs Edge to the corner and takes control with some cheap shots. Punk goes through some boring offense, with an Irish whip to the corner, a pin attempt, and a rest hold from which Edge quickly escapes. Edge follows up with punches in the corner and a boot to the face of Punk. Edge attempts a splash on Punk, who’s draped over the middle rope, but he misses. I don’t know what Punk does next because of an instant replay, but this match is moving at the speed of erosion. Edge finally hits a neck breaker, but Punk suplexes Edge onto the ropes. Edge rolls outside and we go to commercial break.
The Fable III commercial looks just as awesome as it did last week.
Upon our return, we see that Punk has Edge wrapped in a leg scissors. Edge elbows his way out, but Punk fires off a pair of kicks and follows with a gut buster. Punk ascends to the top turnbuckle only to jump into a powerslam. The two men punch each other for a bit, until Punk hits a trio of kicks. Things go back and forth for a bit, with Edge ultimately gaining the upper hand. Punk reverses a move into the GTS, but Edge escapes. He tries to follow with a spear (I think), but Punk lands a knee to the breadbasket. Punk hits the Pepsi One in the corner, but can’t land the bulldog. Edge hits the leaping DDT and goes for a pin, but only gets two. Edge goes to the top rope, where Punk kicks him. Punk goes for a superplex, but even Nikolai Volkov knows that the move isn’t going to work. Edge signals for the spear, but The Miz and Alex Riley yank Edge out of the ring, drawing the DQ.
Winner: Edge (by DQ)
That match was slow and a little lethargic. It was just plain average.
After the match, all hell breaks loose, as every guy from both teams (except for R-Truth, who must have better things to do) comes out and hits his move on someone else…well, actually, Santino doesn’t get to do anything, but he gets an A for effort. The exchange is really cool, and it does a pretty good job establishing the teams, even if they seem sorta’ disjointed.
Fallout: New Vegas commercial. I’m having fun with it, but it is extremely buggy. I’ve had the game crash on me four times already. There are some minor things they did that I don’t like, but I had really high expectations…it’s still a really good game.
I know that if I had a job that meant life or death for people, I would be easily distracted by a crappy fattening breakfast sandwich. Burger King’s commercials suck.
After the commercial break, we’re treated to a divas skit! Goody! We’ve got LayCool in the ring, with Layla dressed like Natalya Neidhart (with daddy Jim’s beard, even though it’s the wrong color) and Michelle dressed like Bret “The Bulimic Woman” Hart.
This hilarity is interrupted by Nattie’s music, and…
LayCool vs. Nattie Neidhart and Kelly Kelly
It’s tough to recap this match with Layla-Nattie starting against Nattie-Nattie, so I’m just going to make this one short and sweet. The heels stay in control for most of the match, with Michelle mocking Bret at every turn. Nattie hits a nice double underhook suplex one point, and eventually wins with the Sharpshooter. Kelly Kelly really earned her paycheck there.
Winners: Nattie Neidhart (and Kelly Kelly, too, I guess)
The mockery was sorta’ funny and Nattie is still super talented. It’s a shame she doesn’t have anyone better to work with. Layla’s getting slightly better, but she’s still a bit away.
For the next ten minutes, the WWE gives itself a self-BJ, which I learned from the movie Clerks is pretty hard to do. I like how Vince needs me to stand up for his company. If I wrote him a letter asking for a free t-shirt he’d probably tell me to f’ off.
Speaking of telling me to f’ off…it’s time for…
Kane vs. Randy Orton
And I thought the Kane/Undertaker feud was bad. Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Kane starts off as he typically does, with an uppercut, two corner clotheslines, and a sidewalk slam. Kane tries to finish things off with a tombstone, but Orton sneaks out and hits the 3.0. Now Orton tries to finish it, but Kane rolls outside. Kane regains control outside with a clothesline, and then he rams Orton into stuff for about 45 seconds. While Orton lays on the outside, we go to commercial.
After the break, Kane has Orton in a bear hug. After a series of knee lifts by Kane in the corner, I lose interest in the match and decide to fast forward through the rest of this match.
It seems like Kane beats on Orton until a brief period at the end, where Orton gets some moves off and sets Kane up for the RKO, but Kane escapes. He hits a boot and prepares Orton for the chokeslam, but the lights go out. When they come back on, Orton hits the RKO and wins the match. Whatever.
Winner: Randy Orton
That match wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, but I just don’t care about either of these guys.
After the match, Kane gets mad and…really doesn’t do much of anything. The bell tolls again and the blue Undertaker lights go off…Kane and Undertaker are like GI Joe and Cobra with their red and blue lasers! Finally, Undertaker tears through the apron and pulls a yelping Kane under the ring. I’m assuming Heidenreich is under there to help rape him.
Well, that was a show that was pretty much all over the place.
Let’s hand out some awards and head to this week’s show.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The segment with all of the guys hitting their moves on each other was pretty cool.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: Kelly Kelly’s “participation” in the divas match.
Well, that’s it for the October 22 show…let’s turn the clock forward to…
WWE Smackdown Recap for October 29, 2010
Well, Bragging Rights is over and SmackDown miraculously won. Normally, when a wrestler or team dominates before a PPV, they’re destined to lose, but I guess WWE flipped the script.
The show starts with a stupid Undertaker bit that I don’t really get. I’m assuming he’s going to be off for a few more months before WrestleMania.
The show “officially” starts the way it typically ends, with Kane yammering. Skip ahead and Alberto Del Rio interrupts Kane, which is odd considering Del Rio is also a heel. Rey Mysterio and Edge both get involved and I guess we have a title picture.
After the commercials, Teddy Long sets up a three-way match between Edge, Mysterio, and Del Rio. After this, we head to the ring for…
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I’M BLIND!!!
Fortunately, my blindness is like Jake Roberts’ after being sprayed with Arrogance by Rick Martel, and I’m okay for…
Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie in a leopard suit) vs. Daniel Bryan
Just when I think Vickie can’t get more repulsive, they stuff her into that suit.
The match starts quickly with some fast-past holds and strikes by Ziggler. Ziggler stalks Bryan and then chokes him over the bottom rope. Ziggler follows up with a pair of elbow strikes and a boot to the head. Bryan fights back with a few punches, only to get dropkicked by Ziggler. Ziggler applies a chinlock/half nelson hold and follows it with the Mr. Perfect running neck snap. Ziggler maintains control with a rear chinlock from which Bryan quickly escapes. The two men exchange punches, with Bryan gaining control with some hard forearms, a few kicks, and a running clothesline. Bryan flips out of an Irish whip and then hits a nifty leaping knee off the turnbuckles. Ziggler rolls out of the ring and we head to commercials.
After the break, Bryan gets kicked in the face, only to return the favor. Bryan tries a leaping something-or-another, but Ziggler moves and hits a leaping leg drop. Ziggler tries for a neck breaker, only for Bryan to turn it into a backslide pin attempt. Ziggler quickly tries to regain control with a sleeper, but Bryan escapes and dropkicks Ziggler into the corner. Both men are down and the ref applies the standing eight count. This match is pretty good so far. The two competitors fight over a suplex, with Bryan managing a sloppy suplex of Ziggler over the top rope. Both men land awkwardly on the outside and the ref starts the 10 count. Ziggler makes it in first, but Bryan squeaks in at nine. Ziggler and Bryan exchange shots until Bryan pops Ziggler in the face with a kick. Ziggler stumbles into the corner and Bryan follows, but he runs into a boot. Ziggler zeroes in for the kill, but Bryan goes for the LaBell lock…only for Ziggler to slingshot Bryan into the corner. Ziggler applies the sleeper…oh damn, a ref bump. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and gets a five count…but the stupid ass ref is down. Vickie comes in and makes a three count that doesn’t matter. The ref tells her to leave, and Daniel Bryan gets up to kick a distracted Ziggler right in the head.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
That was a good match. I can’t believe they couldn’t let Ziggler win one, but I’m getting used to WWE putting the straps on people only to start jobbing them every match.
Not only is Knucklehead the name of the movie, but it’s also the nickname of the executive who green lit the project.
In the back, Kane and Paul Bearer are angry. Uh oh.
More Stand Up for WWE crap…I think it was better when they were showing the “WWE Care” montages. These stupid bits make WWE look like sissy douche pipes.
After WWE toots its own stupid horn, we go to the back to see Kelly Kelly looking in a mirror, only to be shoved aside by “Lisping” Cody Rhodes. Big Show comes in to ruin things and challenge Rhodes to a match. It ends up being a tag team match between Rhodes and McIntyre and Big Show and a mystery partner…the intrigue!
Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle) vs. Kaval
After his epic victory against Santino, let’s see if Swagger can keep it up. Kaval hasn’t managed to do crap since he’s become “WWE’s Breakout Star,” so it’s going to be tough to call.
Swagger props Kaval in the corner, and Kaval quickly fights out. He runs around quickly, only to jump into a Swagger slam. Swagger works over Kaval with his typical offense until Kaval headbutts his way out of a bear hug. Kaval leaps on the shoulders of Swagger and pull off a flying head scissors. Kaval follows that up with two crazy kicks and a pin attempt that gets two. He follows with another kick and a rolling Liger kick. Kaval flips out a Swagger German suplex and then he stomps on Swagger’s chest. Ouch. Swagger manages to roll out of the ring and trip up Kaval. He slams Kaval’s leg into the ring post a few times, stomps it a few more, and applies the ankle lock. Kaval taps out in short order.
Winner: Jack Swagger
That was a really good match…it made both men look good and was very well paced. I enjoyed that.
Unfortunately, this match will be followed by something I won’t enjoy: a divas costume contest. Thanks to WWE’s PG-13 rating, this is going to suck.
The contest already sucks, because Hornswoggle is part of it. I’ll name off the women, their costume, and my one-word review.
The Bellas. Bat(wo)man and Robin. Average.
Alicia Fox. Cleopatra. Weak.
Kelly Kelly. Little Bo Beep. Sorta’ Sexy (Two words, but it’s my recap, bitch.)
Rosa Mendes. Leprechaun. Sexy.
Melina. Spider Woman. Horrible.
Lay Cool. Lady Gaga (Or Lady Gag-Gag) and Beyonce. Funny.
After some bad feelings bubble up, Teddy decides to make an eight-diva tag match. The teams turn out to be…
Kelly Kelly, The Bellas, and Melina vs. LayCool, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendes
By the time I type out all those names, the match is half over. Melina comes in and botches three consecutive moves on Alicia, but saves face with a cool sequence. Humorously, the match goes to commercial in the middle of a move…shows how epic this match is.
When we return, Kelly Kelly actually gets in the match! She stuffs a sheep toy in Rosa’s mouth, hits a Thesz press, botches a kick, hits a neckbreaker…uh oh, here come all the useless divas. After the ring is emptied, Kelly Kelly hits the FineAsser on Rosa to get the victory.
Winner: The face diva team
This rating is only because some of the chicks involved were hot. Oh, and Melina did one good move.
In the back, Rey and Edge share a moment.
Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntryre vs. Big Show and Kofi Kingston
Wow, these guys sure were champs for a long time, huh? You guys might want to start talking to the DudeBusters about an exit strategy.
McIntyre starts out with Kingston, with Drew getting an early advantage. Kofi finally gets back into things with a monkey flip, which allows him to tag out to Big Show. Show beats on McIntyre while mocking his Scotish accent. After he gets bored, Show tags out. Kingston slingshots in with an elbow drop, but McIntryre manages a tag to Rhodes. Rhodes beats on Kingston in the corner until Kofi hits Rhodes with his hair. That was unique. Rhodes, however, regains control and the heels go to work on Kingston for a bit, focusing mainly on Kingston’s leg. After a while, Kingston dropkicks McIntyre out of the ring and tags to Big Show. Rhodes tags in, only to be leveled by Big Show. Rhodes does manage a boot in the corner, but Show shrugs it off. McIntyre tries to interject himself, but fails. Big Show hits a chokeslam on Rhodes to get the pin.
Winner: Big Show and Kofi Kingston
Rating: 2.5 stars
This match wasn’t necessarily bad, but it was all that great either.
I guess the writing team is getting bored with the Rhodes/McIntryre team…as they look like they might be breaking up soon. Man, the tag division is getting thin.
I think the Snickers commercial was written by the Burger King marketing team.
When we return, McIntyre and Rhodes are having a sissy fight. I don’t care.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Edge
I think this is going to be tough to recap.
Rey and Del Rio go after each other quickly. After Del Rio clotheslines Rey, Edge sneaks in and beats him up. Edge slides Rey out of the ring, but Rey comes right back in. Rey returns to work on Del Rio, but Del Rio regains the momentum until Edge slips back in. Del Rio survives an attack and takes control of Edge, but only for a second. Edge fights back with a flying forearm and then clotheslines Del Rio over the top. Mysterio joins the party outside the ring by leaping off the top turnbuckle. We got to commercials.
When we return , Del Rio is beating on Rey. Rey manages to regain the advantage and hits a sliding dropkick on Del Rio, who’s seated in the corner. Somehow, Del Rio gets up and tosses Rey into Edge, but Edge sunset flips in and gets a two count on Del Rio. Edge kicks Rey out of the ring and starts punching and kicking Del Rio. Del Rio rolls to the apron, and Edge tries to suplex him back in the ring, but Del Rio stuns Edge over the top rope. Rey slides back into the picture and trips Del Rio on the apron, then sends Edge to the ring steps. Rey tosses Edge back in the ring and lands a splash from the top rope. Del Rio tries to get back in the ring, but Rey dropkicks him. Edge tries to get back in, only for Rey to put him in position for the 619. Del Rio, however, has other plans, and trips up Rey. Del Rio goes after Edge, but that doesn’t turn out too well. Del Rio manages to escape a move and land a German suplex. On the follow up, though, Edge kicks Del Rio in the head. Rey rolls back in and Edge tries to land a top rope move, but Rey trips him up. After a crazy series, Del Rio locks the cross armbreaker on Rey, only to have Edge drop an elbow on him. All three men are down, but Edge is up first. After a quick sequence, all three men end up back on the mat. All three men punch each other, with Del Rio seemingly getting the upper hand. That doesn’t last long…as Del Rio eventually ends up getting popped with the 619. Edge spears Rey off the apron and goes for the pin…and only gets 2.993. Wow. Edge limps over to Del Rio, but Del Rio lifts Edge…but only gets DDT’d. Edge makes the crazy face and waits to hit the spear. Del Rio’s announce, however, gets involved, allowing Del Rio to hit the back brain kick on Edge. Rey breaks up a pin attempt with a flying leg drop. He goes for a pin on Del Rio, but only gets 2.934. Del Rio fights up, but Rey puts him and Edge in the position for the 619. Rey tries to hit Del Rio first, but he hoists Rey on to his shoulders. While he’s up there, Edge spears Del Rio and gets the win.
That match was really good. Slow at times, but the good really outshined the bad.
Kane comes out to ruin things just by being Kane. The red lights and creepy music come on and we’re out.
That was a pretty good show, for the most part. Let’s hand out some award.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The main event.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: Vickie in a skin-tight suit. It looked like 20 pounds of bologna in a 10-pound bag.
Well that’s it for my semi-special double-sized recap. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed doing it…which really wasn’t all that much. See you all next week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).