Greetings. Whilst
certain previous SmackDown recaps have been produced
whilst I was fuelled by certain amounts of booze,
this week I'm trying CAFFEINE! LOTS AND LOTS OF
CAFFEINE! HAHAHAHA!
Anyway. Dramatic opening
going over tonight's Taker/Punk submission screwjob
rematch, and we're underway from South Carolina. And
it is of course Bragging Rights on Sunday. Yay. And
Jim Ross had a Bell's Palsy attack so he isn't here,
and neither is Tard, who is on his fucking
honeymoon, so we have the mic skillz of Jerry
fucking Lawler (seriously, he used to be fucking
cool when he was a full-on heel announcer. Nice guy
Jerry Lawler is just annoying and creepy) - and
Michael fucking Cole. AND - Taker/Punk isn't
actually the main event. The 'main event' title goes
to the super-nonsensical matchup of Batista & Rey
Mysterio vs Chris Jericho and... Kane. WHY?!
Uggghhhh, this could be a rough one.
Jericho's out, in trunks and with belts and wasn't
this meant to be the main event? I guess he's not
wrestling yet. Maybe Big Show ate his suit. Recap of
the bullshit on RAW with the SmackDown team getting
completely buried by DX. Jericho stands in silence
for a few moments. "Every time I step into the ring
I win" - hilariously incorrect statement of the
year, Mr Jericho. He says he needs to 'tune up' his
team a little more. Uh, no shit. He's soon
interrupted by JTG, flying solo. Where's Shad,
wonders everybody. Apparently he has flu. And EXCUSE
ME, the horrifically grating voice of Vickie
interrupts them both, and introduces Eric Escobar
(who wasn't all that bad on Superstars last night,
though McIntyre easily outshone him). Escobar gets
on the mic and reminds us that DX didn't know who he
was. A "who are you?" chant starts. His face is
slightly pockmarked. He looks like a failed clone of
JBL circa 2001. Out comes DOLPH now. It's a generic
'I'm the best man on the team' multi-man promo. Drew
McIntyre is out now with his rather cool new jacket,
and Kane interrupts him after about two seconds -
getting a pop. Kane takes Vickie's mic and says NONE
of them are worthy of fighting alongside him and
Jericho. Jericho and Kane have organised a match.
JTG, Ziggler, McIntyre and Escobar are taking on
five guys who will replace them on Team SmackDown if
they lose. I can see where this is going. "Wait a
second, Team SmackDown looks like total shit. Let's
completely re
-book the whole thing." Maybe
SmackDown will win! ADVERTISING!
BACK and
we've skipped over some introductions... let's take
a look here... oh.
JTG, Drew McIntyre, Eric Escobar & Dolph Ziggler vs
Matt Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth & The Hart Dynasty;
handicap tag match, winners take the spots on Team
SmackDown
It's only just occurred to
me that this big tag match at Bragging Rights stands
about as much chance of being the main event as the
fucking Divas match. The Hart Dynasty potentially
going on LAST at a PPV? Erm, not in this lifetime.
It'll be the Randy & John Power Hour, lulling us to
sleep. Anyway, yes, there's a match going on. JTG
started off with Kidd. Kidd gets owned briefly
before tagging in Finlay. Finlay schools JTG,
hitting an extremely stiff clothesline. JTG tags in
Ziggler who immediately overpowers Finlay. Not much
psychology here. Vickie is sat at ringside, clapping
like a moron. Finlay goes for Rolling Fields but
Ziggler slips out and charges at Finlay in the
corner, who dodges, and Ziggler hits the post in an
impressive manner, flying over and out as we go to
ADVERTISING.
BACK and, with my eyes closed, I
predict that Finlay is going to be in a headlock.
Whaddyaknow, he is. Essssssscobar has the headlock
on. Time slows to a crawl. Kane and Jericho watch,
shirtless, from the back. The heels take turns
working over Finlay for about seven years until
Finlay manages to tag in Matt Hardy, who attacks
Ziggler in his chunky manner, getting a couple of
nearfalls. Matt's second-rope elbowdrop is the most
anticlimactic move to have its own signal taunt
ever. Clusterfuck time! Side Effect gets two,
Escobar breaks up the count, Finlay
clothesinesEscobar over and out. Ziggler tags in JTG
who hits his finisher (is that called the Shoutout?
I forgot) on Hardy but David Hart Smith breaks it up
and gets tossed by McIntyre. Then Tyson Kidd runs in
and goes for McIntyre but gets backdropped out. Then
Truth clotheslines himself and McIntyre over and
out. Finlay runs in with his fucking shillelagh,
cracks JTG, and Hardy hits a Twist of Fate
for
the win.
Winners: Finlay,
R-Truth, Matt Hardy & The Hart Dynasty
Rating:
**1/2
While they probably should've had these
guys (but kept Ziggler over Finlay) as Team
SmackDown to start off with, that was a fucking lame
finish to a superficially enjoyable match. EITHER
TURN FINLAY HEEL OR LOSE THE SHILLELAGH. Fucking
lazy booking.
Our winners celebrate, our
losers slink away arguing as we go TO THE BACK where
CM Punk is talking to Scott Armstrong and Teddy
Long. Teddy's now been on probation for six thousand
years. Armstrong refuses to ref the match and
leaves, bumping into Vince, who says "we need to
talk". John Morrison has a match after ADVERTISING.
BACK. "Somehow he controls the wind!" Lawler, it's a
fan, and you're an idiot. Miz of course defeated
Marty motherfuckin' Jannetty on RAW (ha ha ha). This
should be a decent match right here.
Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs Mike Knox
Knox has one of his creepy little soft-spoken
biology lessons before we start. I wish he'd
incorporate more of this persona into his wrestling.
The way he wrestles, you expect him to speak like an
ogre or something. Apparently Cole saw Knox
backstage "sitting on the floor, rocking back and
forth, muttering to himself". Oh great, are they
re-doing him as Mankind II? Guh. Knox uses his
crossbody early for two. Weird gutbuster gets
another two. Knox is a big dude. Morrison makes him
look even bigger. Abdominal stretch on Morrison
wakes the crowd up a little bit. Sneaky rollup by
Morrison gets two. Punches, chopblock, punches, leg
lariat, running knee (more like a running crotch),
two count. Cole has a moment of clarity, saying "I
can't believe we have to root for The Miz on
Sunday". Knox hits a harsh big boot on Morrison,
going for another crossbody which Morrison ducks,
and Knox slams awkwardly into the ropes ("at about a
hundred miles an hour!" - Lawler). Apparently this
is enough to knock Knox out cold, as Morrison rather
calmly gets up and hit a REALLY crappy Starship Pain
for the win.
Winner: John Morrison
Rating: **1/2
Not much chemistry between
these two, sadly. Clumsy finish, too - Knox ('out
cold' after hitting those deadly ropes) was way too
close to the corner for Starship Pain, and Morrison
totally overshot it, gently headbutting Knox's
thigh. No camera angle could hide it. A shame.
Morrison gets on the mic and puts himself over
briefly and we're reminded of the Taker/Punk match
before more ADVERTISING.
BACK and the NEW
Team SmackDown are hullaballooing backstage. Jericho
and Kane congratulate them, yadayada OH MY GOD MAE
YOUNG. Mickie James is talking to Mae backstage
before Michelle McCool and then Beth Phoenix come in
to gab ineffectually. May says 'she told you',
McCool says 'shut up' and Mae slaps her in the face.
Rey Mysterio and Batista are backstage to shill
DAVE's DVD set (good god, I feel old) and all of a
sudden we have our "main event" which is right in
the middle of the show and is therefore n
ot the
main event at all!
Rey Mysterio & Batista vs Chris Jericho & Kane
Wow, Batista actually hit his pyro cue right. That's
a rarity. Talking about SmackDown vs RAW 2010, Cole
says "I don't know if I'd even want to create a
superstar, I'd just want to be Batista!" and I throw
up a little bit. Jericho starts off with Batista and
simply slaps him in the face. Nice plan. Batista
completely creams him, getting a nearfall before
tagging in Rey and slingshotting him directly into
Jericho's nards. Micro-legdrop from Rey gets two
somehow. Jericho is tripped into the 619 spot
suddenly, but Kane pulls Rey out of the ring as we
go to abrupt ADVERTISING.
BACK and Kane is
thoroughly stretching little Rey, who fights out
briefly but Kane drops him with a right hand, hits a
backbreaker, and Jericho comes back in to call Rey
'little man' and slap him around. Sudden wheelbarrow
bulldog from Rey and both guys are down. Jericho
manages to tag in Kane, who runs right across the
ring and cheap-shots the hapless Batista,
distracting the ref whilst Jericho sneaks one on
Rey. Low dropkick from Kane gets two. Jericho tags
back in for a nice delayed vertical suplex. Rey is
so light, Jericho had time to pose with his right
arm. A brief sleeperhold, and seconds later Rey has
rana'd Jericho over and out. Rey and Jericho both
tag out at the same time and Batista swiftly takes
control of Kane. Batista hits a shoulder tackle and
a spinebuster, and goes for the Batista Bomb, but
Jericho breaks it up with an enzuigiri so Batista
just spinebusters Jericho instead, before walking
into a big boot from Kane, who then rams him into
the post. Kane signals for the chokeslam but Rey
runs in to stop it and just gets fucking
chokeslammed himself. Kane then lumbers into a spear
from DAVE for the loss.