WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
October 21, 2011
“Great” Scott’s WWE SmackDown Recap for October 21, 2011
Yes, I’ve been neglectful of my duties at TWF, but I’m back again…it’s good to see that WWE still sucks and is doing all the same shit wrong they’ve done in the past. 80 percent of the product still focuses on non-wrestlers (Michael Cole, John Laryngitis, Teddy Long, Vickie Guerrero, and to some extent, HHH), the same crappy guys still don’t sell and get to-the-moon pushes (HHH, John Cena, and Randy Orton), while the same guys still have to lose every single week (Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and John Morrison). Oh yeah, and Mark Henry has a belt. Way to innovate, WWE!
This week’s show is coming to us from Mexico City, which means instead of it being very bad, it’ll be muy mal instead.
Well, at least things are starting out relatively well, as Alberto Del Rio’s music cues up. The crowd pops crazy for him, which makes me happy. This basically insures that if he fights, he’ll lose. Just ask Jim Ross.
Del Rio instantly mentions John Cena, which draws boos from the crowd. Del Rio’s supposed to fight Big Show tonight, but John Cena (the face, mind you), beat the crap out of Del Rio on Monday. Unfortunately, Del Rio says that this beat down rendered him unable to compete. Del Rio speaks some Spanish and the crowd goes bonkers. Del Rio has a hard time staying in heel mode with the crowd going nuts for him.
Because the show has been too good so far, the writers decided to add a dash a suck by having Teddy Long come out to tell Del Rio he has to compete.
After Teddy Long leaves, things get even worse, as Mark Henry waddles down to the ring. We also learn that it’s going to be good Sin Cara vs. evil Sin Cara in a mask-against-mask match. Lastly, we learn that Mark Henry is going to destr…err, take on John Morrison next. Wow, Mark Henry is so slow he has to start down to the ring before the commercial break.
Even John Cena action figures don’t sell.
Shouldn’t the Bad Teacher DVD by the “Poorly Rated” edtion instead of the “Unrated” edition?
Mark Henry vs. John Morrison
Morrison looks pissed that he hasn’t won a match in three months.
Morrison starts with kicks and punches, and is promptly flung to the floor by Henry. Outside the ring, Henry smashes Morrison’s head into the ring post and then rolls him back in the ring. Henry slowly stomps and headbutts Morrison before applying a neck wrench. Morrison fights to his feet and gets a few punches in before eating an elbow. Henry follows up with a splash attempt in the corner, but he runs into a boot from Morrison. Morrison heads to the top and leaps over Henry with a dropkick to his back, and then runs to the opposite ropes to land a nice springboard dropkick that actually puts Henry down. Morrison follows up with his running knee and then looks to go for Starship Pain. He lands it…and barely gets a one count. Sigh. Henry stumbles to the corner and Morrison lands a leaping punch. He tries to slide through Henry’s legs, but gets stomped for his troubles. Henry lifts Morrison up by his throat, flings him in the air like a rag doll, and lands the World’s Strongest Slam to get the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
This match was about the norm for the WWE these days—no pacing, no psychology, just a bunch of moves until the allotted time is up and then a finisher out of nowhere for the win. After 80 years of losing, it’s good to see Mark Henry getting a push…and by good, I mean terrible.
John Cena’s going to be in another shitty movie…but this one has Nick Papagiorgio in it!
After the commercials, we’re “treated” to a skit between Vicki Guerrero and Christian. Yet again, Teddy Long comes in to make things suck more…as if Vicki Guerrero isn’t sucky enough. Some how, losing 500 matches earns Zack Ryder a title shot on a PPV. I swear, a retarded ape could book WWE better than these idiots are.
Up next, we get a Sin Cara video package. This would be a little more compelling if there was some sorta’ logic behind why this is going on.
That match will take place later. Right now, it’s time for…
Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan
Before the match, Wade Barrett cuts a great promo that will be rendered useless when he loses within the next week or so because WWE can’t remember what the hell is going on 95 percent of the time.
Daniel Bryan looks like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
Bryan goes behind Wade Barrett and then is trashed for the next few seconds. Bryan ends up getting some offense in by way of a crucifix, but it only gets a two count. Bryan tries for the LaBell lock, but Barrett escapes and smashes Bryan with the Boss Man side slam. He follows that up by choking in the ropes two different times and then booting Bryan to the floor. That looked brutal.
Barrett follows Bryan to the floor and smashes him back-first into the apron. Back in the ring, Barrett applies a rear headlock. Bryan fights back up, and Barrett puts him down with a knee lift. Barrett Irish whips Bryan to the corner, but Bryan gets a foot up and follows with a missile dropkick that hits Barrett right in the side of the face. That didn’t look like it was supposed to happen that way. Unfortunately, Bryan doesn’t stay on the offensive long, as Barrett flattens him with a running boot a series of mounted punches. Barrett follows with a rest hold, from which Bryan quickly escapes. Things go back and forth for a bit until Bryan lands his leaping forearm clothesline. He follows that with a corner dropkick. Some more back and forth until Barrett stops Bryan with a mule kick and a pump handle slam. That gets Barrett a two count. Bryan rolls to the corner, and Barrett pummels him there until Bryan boots him away. Bryan heads to the second rope and leaps…right into the waiting arms of Wade Barrett. Barrett flings Bryan to the mat with Wasteland and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Wade Barrett
Again, that match really lacked good pacing or decent psychology, but it was a better than average big man vs. quick man match with a couple good spots.
Next up…Zack Ryder’s push continues.
Sheamus and Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler and Christian (with Vicki Guerrero)
Sheamus looks puzzled by his tag team partner.
Ziggler starts with Ryder and Ziggler immediately takes control. He beats on Ryder for a bit and tags to Christian, who’s more interested in taunting Sheamus. Ryder tries a schoolboy, but doesn’t get the pin. He follows with a series of punches and a clubbing blow to put Christian down. Christian, however, sidesteps a charging Ryder and puts him on the floor. Ziggler gets some shots in while Michael Cole makes fun of Booker T’s old GI Bro gimmick. Once the smoke clears, Christian rolls Ryder back inside and tags Ziggler. Ziggler fires of a pair of punches and hits a neck breaker. Ryder blocks some punches and fires of some of his own, but Ziggler hits a picture perfect dropkick. Ziggler tries for another neckbreaker, but Ryder rolls him up for a two count. Ziggler tags back out, allowing Christian to work Ryder over in the corner. Christian tries a corner charge, but Ryder gets his knees up. This allows Ryder to tag out to Sheamus while Michael Cole screams like an idiot because Booker T didn’t make fun of him for losing on Monday. Cole also wrongly says that it was his only tag match, when I distinctly remember him WINNING a stupid tag match against Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. I wish I could forget like Michael Cole. Anyway, Sheamus comes in and absolutely ruins Ziggler. Ziggler actually gets a kick in, but Sheamus shrugs it off and avoids the leaping leg drop from Ziggler. Sheamus instead hits the Irish Curse backbreaker and goes for a pin, but Ziggler kicks out. Sheamus signals for the Razor’s Edge, but Christian distracts him. Ziggler tries to use this distraction to hit the Zig Zag, but Sheamus holds on to the ropes and bucks him off. Sheamus follows this by hitting the Brogue Kick. Sheamus pins Christian and gets the three count. Winners: Sheamus and Zack Ryder
That match was just okay. This is another case of awesome booking, as the WWE thinks it’s okay to have a guy lose every match in a feud, but win the one culmination match to “win” the feud. Seriously, there are like three guys in the WWE that have reputations as winners. I can never take Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, or Daniel Bryan seriously because they lose 75 percent of their matches, even if they do win belts.
After another commercial break, we’re treated to Cody Rhodes Slow-Talk-A-Rama! After 30 minutes and two sentences later, Randy Orton comes out to...oh come on, we all know what he’s going to do. Rhodes’ two “baggers” try to intervene, but they’re destroyed, as well. Rhodes avoids complete annihilation by running away, leaving the baggers to get obliterated in his stead.
Up next, Sin Cara takes on Sin Cara! Whee!
Sin Cara (with a blue mask) vs. Sin Cara (with a black mask)
This is just like Spy vs. Spy. I’m keeping this simple by calling them “Black” and “Blue.”
Black starts off quickly with a series of kicks. He follows by flinging Blue into the corner and landing another kick. Blue fights back with some leaping around that culminates in a flying head scissors. Black rolls to the outside, so Blue leaps to the top and hits a flying cross body. Back in the ring, Blue lands another flying bodypress. Blue continues his momentum with a flipsy-do-dunkaroo and tries to follow with a springboard something-or-another, but Black dropkicks him right in the midsection as he bounds off the ropes. Blue tries a sunset flip, but Black rips away at his mask. Blue escapes by sending Black to the floor. This match is SO INTENSE that we have to go to commercial.
When we return to the match, we’re in time to see Black hit a double underhook backbreaker. He follows that with a chinlock-knee-to-the-back combo hold. Blue fights up with a series of punches and a flying head scissors, but black hits a running clothesline to regain control. Black spends the next 30 seconds trying to figure out a hold to apply, and ends up doing something I can’t even identify. Eventually, Black ends up applying a camel clutch. Blue shoves out and then runs right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. This match has slowed to a crawl, as it takes Black about a minute to finally hit an arm-behind-the-back bodyslam. Man, I’m using a lot of dashes in this recap. Blue fights up again, but whiffs on a dropkick. Black lands another kick and then reapplies the camel clutch…sort of. Black tries to remove Blue’s mask, so Blue launches him off again. Black stays in control, which pretty much ensures that he’s not going to win. I predict an out-of-nowhere finish.
Anyway, Black hits a sweet outside-leaping-inside kick to Blue, who’s sitting in the corner (Jeff Hardy used to do that move). Blue moves out of the way of Black’s next move (a flipping corner senton) and takes over with a bunch of flip-based moves and pin attempts. Black stops Blue’s momentum with an Angle Slam and some weak-looking kicks. Black heads to the top, where Blue leaps up and hits a Ghetto Blaster. Black flops to the mat, so Blue heads to the opposite corner to hit a senton splash. Black fights back and tries for a suplex, but Blue flips out, does some more flipsy-doodles, and hits his Crippler Crossface-looking move and makes Black tap out.
That match really wasn’t all that great. There were really slow points that really weren’t worth the payoff in high spots. Even the crowd didn’t seem to care all that much.
After the match, Black doesn’t want to unmask. Blue fights back and manages to remove the mask, revealing Black to be…some guy. What a payoff. There were better payoffs at the end of most Scooby Doo episodes.
Next up, Beth Phoenix and Natalya are in the ring looking super hot. This angle is actually halfway decent; if they wouldn’t have had Kelly Kelly win about 10 times, I would take these two way more seriously.
After a few minutes, Even comes out to say she’s not a Barbie doll…which is true because they never made a Chicana Barbie doll. After some mocking, Eve shoves Beth, and we get to see her granny panties. Eve intelligently runs away.
After still another commercial break, it’s time for our main event…
Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show
This is a no-win situation for Alberto Del Rio.
Not a lot of people know this, but Big Show’s WMD shirt stands for “Where’s My Dinner?”
Big Show starts off by beating the hell out of Del Rio. Del Rio tries to kick Big Show away, but Big Show botches a hip toss. I like how they don’t even acknowledge that it was Del Rio who hurt Del Rio in the first place. Finally, Del Rio escapes by rolling to the outside. Del Rio manages to stun Big show over the top rope, but then he leaps right into a chop by the Big Show. That leads to a commercial.
When the commercials are over, we see that Big Show is no selling kicks by Del Rio. Big Show takes Del Rio by the throat and shoves him over the top rope. Big Show follows Del Rio outside, so Del Rio dropkicks the steps into Big Show’s legs. Big Show, however, no sells yet again.
Back in the ring, Big Show continues to dominate. Del Rio avoids a corner charge, but runs right into a clothesline. Big Show follows up with a half nelson/cobra clutch combo hold. Del Rio makes it to the ropes, so Big Show drops a leg over his head. Big Shows sends Del Rio to the ropes, and Del Rio fights back with a dropkick to Big Show’s knee. Del Rio follows up with a series of kicks and stomps. Del Rio begins to work over the arm, but Big Show continues to no sell. Big Show hits a corner splash and a shoulder block, and then signals for the chokeslam. Del Rio leaps out and chop blocks Big Show. Del Rio applies the cross arm breaker (sorta’), as Big Show doesn’t fall correctly. Big Show gets to his knees, showing that this hold looks terrible when not applied correctly. Finally, Big Show lifts Del Rio and slams him down to the mat. Both men are down, and Del Rio walks into a chokeslam. Ricardo Rodriguez leaps onto the back of Big Show, drawing the DQ.
Winner: Big Show (by DQ)
This was pretty much a squash match, with the WORLD FRIGGIN’ CHAMPION getting squashed. Seriously, how are we supposed to consider Del Rio a legit champion when he just got his ass handed to him?
After the match, Big Show punches out Rodriguez, Del Rio, and Mark Henry, who tries to interfere. Whatever.
Well, there goes another by-the-book episode of SmackDown. Here are the awards for this evening.
The Really Great Thing of the Night Award: None of the matches were terrible and I got to see Beth Phoenix’s granny panties.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night Award: All of the matches are sorta’ boring. Plus, the same old guys do the same old stuff.
That’s it for this week. I’m really going to try harder to get these things done. See you next week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).