WWE SmackDown Recap for October 15, 2010

Hello, everyone.  “Great” Scott here, back again to provide you with another SmackDown recap.  For those of you that are new to my section of TWF, welcome.  For those of you who have been reading for a while now, don’t you have anything better to do?

This week’s recap is brought to you (unbeknownst to them) by Great American Cookies.  Seriously, is there anything better in this world than a giant chocolate chip cookie?  I can think of a few things, but a giant cookie would be in the top 50, at least.  Go to http://www.greatamericancookies.com/ to find a location near you.  If there’s not a location near you…oh well.

Before we get to the show, I’d like to use this opportunity to do my weekly non-wrestling rant.  This week’s rant is going to seem a little generic, but it’s about a topic that’s start to drive me mildly insane: negative political ads.  At first, I thought, “Everyone has to hate these ads as much as I do,” but after the 1,437 ad I’ve seen in the last week, I figured that they must be working if these damned politicians are always using the same tactics.  Essentially, every ad I see goes something like this:

Hi, I’m Mike Okhurtz.  My opponent, Gloria Stitz, is a scumbag.  Her husband is a Nazi and her father is a member of the KKK.  She steals money from homeless people, kicks puppies, and eats children. 

If I’m elected, I’m not going to do any of those things.  I’m not going to bother you with my qualifications; I just need you to believe that I suck less my opponent.

I’m Mike Okhurtz and I approve this message.

Even when these jackasses throw in an actual qualification or goal, it’s something vague like, “I’m going to balance the budget,” or, “I’m going to hold people accountable.”  How?  What do these things even mean?  I can say that I’m going to cure cancer or end world hunger…but without a specific plan, how can you believe me?  Honestly, I’m about ready to do what Richard Pryor recommends in Brewster’s Millions (a great movie if you haven’t seen it); I’m going to vote, “None of the Above.”

I’m “Great” Scott…and I approved that rant. 

Now that I’ve used this wrestling Web site to advance my personal agenda…on to the show!

This week’s installment starts with the Undertaker standing on top of the building…JUMP JUMP!!!  Do it!!! Life’s just not worth it!!! Michelle McCool’s cheating on you with a toothbrush salesman!!!

Well, The Undertaker doesn’t jump, which puts me in a bad mood right off.

To make my mood even worst, it appears that bipolar Michael Cole is going to be on this announce team every week.  Damn it.

Next, Teddy Long is out to talk about Bragging Rights.  He shows RAW’s team, which has CM Punk on it.  Apparently, that’s who was traded for Edge.  I can’t say I’m happy that Punk moved to RAW…Edge isn’t quite worth it.  Anyway, Teddy says that we’re going to start selecting team members with matches, the first of which is…

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

The only way Rhodes is going to win this is if Del Rio comes out and gets involved. 

Cody starts things off by working on Rey’s arm.  Rey flips three times and arm drags Rhodes, only to run into a forearm shot.  Rhodes stomps and punches Mysterio before hitting a fall-forward suplex.  He follows this with a series of stomps in the corner.  After visibly telling Rey what to do next, Rhodes almost falls prey to a 619.  Instead, Rhodes rolls to the outside and we take a commercial break.

Could switching to Geico really save you money on your car insurance?  If a man with multiple personalities is threatening to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Upon our return, we see that Rhodes has a camel clutch locked on his luchador opponent.  Rey flips out and goes for a cover, but he doesn’t get the pin, and gets dropkicked for his troubles.  Rhodes tries to yank Rey’s arms out using a submission hold, but Rey fights back.  Rhodes earns a point in my book by ensnaring Rey in Mr. Bob Backlund’s crossface chicken wing.  Rey makes it to the ropes, so Rhodes stomps the snot out of him, following up by punching him repeatedly in the head.  After a knee drop, Rhodes gets a 2.5 count on a pin attempt.  This match isn’t half bad.  Rhodes lands a pair of Dusty punches and a cool wheelbarrow suplex that gets another two count.  Cody finally decides that he’s going to finish things off by stomping on Rey’s knee, but he misses, which allows Rey to run through his offense (seated senton and cross body).  Rhodes rolls through the cross body but only gets a two count.  Rey reverses a sunset flip into a kick to the head of Rhodes and starts to go on the offense.  It’s short lived, as Cody catches Rey in the Alabama Slam.  Rey, however, escapes, hits the 619, and gets the win.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Rating: 

That match was pretty good.  Nothing out of this world, but sound enough.  That was a good way to start the show, which means something crappy is coming up.

After more subpar commercials and a beautiful shot of downtown Portland, Oregon, the crappy thing that I thought was coming up does indeed come up.  Hornswoggle is eating Big Show’s candy bar. Seriously?  The hilarity is interrupted by Kaval, who wants to be on Big Show’s SmackDown team.  Big Show says Kaval couldn’t last five minutes with him, so the match is made.  If Kaval can last five minutes with Big Show, he’s on the team.  Fun.

After that Shakespearian performance, Paul Bearer makes an appearance on Kane’s behalf to challenge The Undertaker to a buried alive match.  Old Paul doesn’t sound as high-pitched as he used to, which makes him ten times more tolerable.  I will say, however, that the man still looks creeeeeepy.  Scooby Doo villain creepy.

When I think of people I would want on my side to tackle a Predator creature, I think ADRIEN BRODY!!  I would want my team rounded out with Verne Troyer, Flavor Flav, and Richard Simmons.

After the break, Tony Chimel is out to introduce The Big Show.  He’s going to sit ringside for…

Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle) vs. MVP

Oh goody.  They couldn’t have sent this guy and Hornswoggle over to RAW for Edge?  Throw in Vickie Guerrero and I would’ve been a happy, happy little boy.

Swagger tries to start things off quickly, but MVP beats the tar out of him instead.  After a quick pin attempt, MVP hits some mounted punches, but Swagger takes control with a kick to the leg and a toss to the turnbuckle.  Unfortunately for Swagger, he can’t maintain control, as MVP hits the same damned offense he hits every week.  MVP goes for the Ballin’ Elbow early, and actually hits it, but Swagger rolls to the outside to avoid further punishment.  The Swagger Soarin’ Eagle puts himself between MVP and Swagger, and the eagle goes soarin’ into the announce table.  Swagger uses the distraction to fling MVP into the ring steps.  After this, Swagger tosses MVP back in the ring and applies the ankle lock.  MVP taps out in short order.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Rating: 

That match was quick, which was good.  It wasn’t long enough to be terrible, but it wasn’t long enough to be all that great, either.

After the match, I’m treated to a Fable III commercial that is BAD ASS!  It’s a sad statement that this commercial has been the high point of the show so far.

Why learn to play real musical instruments when you can play cardboard facsimiles?  That’s pretty much why our nation is going to hell in a hand basket…no one wants to learn how to do anything correctly anymore.  People who play Wii Sports think they’re athletes; people who go on American Idol think they’re singers; and people who play cardboard instruments think they’re musicians.  It’s agonizing.

Okay, WWE, you’re doing this, “look at how generous we are,” thing waaay too often now.  I’ll give you this last one, then I start mocking.

Wow, no fooling around, we go right to our next qualifying match.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Chris Masters

Okay, at least half the participants in this match are decent.  It’s worth noting that Del Rio’s announcer is actually getting a personality, and he’s much funnier for it, in my opinion.  He was a little dull at first.

And not too many people know this, but Masters isn’t only the president, he’s also a client.  That’s another joke for the over 30 set.  Enjoy!

Del Rio is overpowered quickly by Masters, who goes for the MasterLock right out of the gate.  Del Rio gets to the ropes and takes control by stunning Masters.  Del Rio follows by going to work on Masters’ arm until Masters punches his way out.  Masters follows up with a Samoan drop and a pair of clotheslines.  Del Rio tries to fight back, but he runs right into a powerslam.  Masters tries for the MasterLock again, but Del Rio hits a cool arm DDT onto his knees to put Masters down.  The cross arm breaker is academic after that.

Winner:  Alberto Del Rio

Rating: 

Like the last match, this match was a little too short to really be better than average.

After the match, Del Rio confronts Big Show.  Show extends a hand, but Del Rio refuses to shake it, opting to wink at him instead.  Nice.

Next, we have to sit through a trailer for Knucklehead.  Melora Harden now has the honor of being in two of the worst “sports-related” movies of all time…this and The Comebacks.  This movie looks truly terrible.  I’m thinking this is a scam by WWE Pictures to make Legendary look less horrible.

Edge is in the back, and he’s walking…and GAWKING (at women).   He’s fighting Dolph Ziggler (crap) for a spot on Team SmackDown.

Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler (without Vickie…YES!)

Man, I don’t like Ziggler’s chances here…I do, however, like that Ziggler’s lost 200 pounds of useless fat (coughcoughVickiecoughcough).

The match starts out with some competent chain wrestling that culminates in Edge punching and kicking Ziggler in the corner.  In the back, we see the two ends of the female beauty spectrum.  In the ring, Edge is working over Ziggler, who manages to fight back with an elbow to the gut, a punch, and a choke over the middle rope.  Ziggler follows up with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap.  After two failed pin attempts, Ziggler applies a half-nelson from which Edge quickly escapes.  Ziggler heads to the outside, but Edge hits a baseball slide and brings his opponent back in the ring.  Ziggler then gets in the move of the night as he kicks Edge coming through the ropes and hits a nice neckbreaker while Edge is stuck between the ropes.  Ziggler follows up with an elbow drop.  Edge tries to get back into the match, but Ziggler stays in control.  This doesn’t last long, as Ziggler climbs the corner and Edge kicks him off the top rope.  Edge follows Ziggler outside and tries for a spear, but misses, which allows Ziggler to hit a wicked-looking Zig Zag into the steel steps. Holy crap, that looked rough!  Ziggler tries to get the 10-count victory, but Edge rolls in at 9.85.  Ziggler is rightfully pissed.  Since this match is gaining momentum, of course we need to go to commercial.

Another commercial for a game I’ve pre-ordered: Fallout: New Vegas.  I’m really looking forward to this game.  I’m a huge fan of games with a clever, well-written story.  This game looks to fit the bill.

When we return, Ziggler has another submission locked on.  Edge gets to his feet, but Ziggler stays on the attack.  After two elbow strikes, Ziggler goes for a corner splash, but misses.  Edge follows by pancaking Ziggler, hitting a forearm, hitting a clothesline, and landing his face-first falling half nelson thing.  Ziggler manages a second rope sunset flip, but Edge rolls through and slingshots Ziggler to the ring post.  Edge tries for a pin and only gets two.  Both men get to their feet, and Ziggler clamps on a sleeper.  Edge escapes and hits his jumping DDT, but can’t get the victory.  Ziggler plays possum and slings Edge to the corner by his tights.  He tries to end the match with the Zig Zag, but Edge holds on to the ropes.  Edge goes for the spear, but Ziggler to leap over it.  Ziggler jumps to the second rope and then jumps into a spear from Edge.  Odd.

Winner: Edge

Rating: 

The ending was a little contrived, and the beginning was a little slow, but the middle was good there for a few minutes.  Definitely the highlight match of the evening.

After the match, we head up to the top of the building, where The Undertaker (most unfortunately) hasn’t jumped or fallen.  I only wish the wind was stronger.

Next up, the RAW Rebound.  I could give two shits about Cena or Nexus (I’m tired of this angle), but I’m pleased that Hennig and Rotunda(o) are getting something to do.  I think they’d make a good team if they went the route of having them both shed their stupid names and revert to their actual names.  It would be good stuff.  Throw in Brett DiBiase and Steamboat’s kid and you’d have a really good stable on your hands, I think.

I must say that I’m thrilled I don’t have to watch RAW these days…21 percent of each show is Cena looking regretful and thinking things over.

After the RAW Rebound, we head up to the ring for…

Big Show vs. Kaval

So, Kaval only has to last five minutes.  That didn’t work out for Lucky Cannon on NXT, but maybe Kaval will make out better.  Right away, maybe Kaval WON’T make out better, as Big Show smacks him around and steps on him.  He follows this with a two-handed choke, headbutt, standing on him, and a punch to the gut.  Next, Big Show hoists Kaval up and slams him down with one arm.  Kaval lands three punches that Big Show doesn’t even attempt to sell before landing a huge forearm and a chop to the chest.  Big Show tells Kaval to stay down, but Kaval refuses to do so…this isn’t wise.  Show hits another chop and flings Kaval across the ring.  He follows this by stepping on Kaval’s head and throwing him outside by his throat.  Kaval gets about a half dozen kicks in until he runs into a choke by Big Show…but Show doesn’t manage to hit the chokeslam because the time’s up.

Winner (in the loosest sense of the word): Kaval

Rating: 

That was essentially a gimmicky squash match.  Would it have killed the WWE to make Kaval look slightly credible?  At least Kaval gets a chance to be on the PPV.

After the match, I get to see the awesome Fable III commercial again.  I wish they would’ve spaced this game and Fallout: New Vegas out a little better…one week just isn’t enough time!!

After the commercial, Kaval is still suffering in the ring.  While he’s licking his wounds, a new and improved eeeeeviiiilllll Tyler Reks comes out to challenge Kaval, so we get…

Tyler Reks vs. Kaval

Kaval tries to end the match quickly with the Warrior’s Way, but Reks moves and runs him over with a shoulderblock.  He follows this with a torture-rack-to-DDT finisher.  That’s all she wrote for Kaval.

Winner: Tyler Reks

Rating: 

Come on, that wasn’t even a match.  I thought Kane and Undertaker were in the buried alive match, but it appears Kaval is, too, because they’re burying him alive.

So, a generic big guy who looks like the love child of Mike Knox and the guy from 10,000 B.C. is going to the PPV, while an exciting rookie gets held back.  It’s good to see WWE sticking to its blueprint for success.  Because having rookies at PPVs never works (coughDanielBryanwastheonlygoodthingaboutSummerSlamcough).  Man, I must have a cold tonight, what with all this coughing…

How does Burger King stay in business?  Their commercials suck, their breakfast menu looks terrible, and their “mascot” is one step above a child molester.  And I’m sorry, drawing black lines on your burgers doesn’t fool me into thinking they’re really flame broiled.

Apparently, the WWE has a Cody Rhodes quota to meet, as we’re treated to another grooming vignette.  This week, we’re focusing on the fingernails, and the lisp is in full effect.  Most importantly, we learn that Cody uses clear nail polish…(coughcoughhomocoughcough).

After I learn how to clip my nails properly, I’m going to learn who the last member of the SmackDown team is, because it’s on to…

Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Kingston

Drew McIntyre takes an early advantage by stomping Kofi in the corner.  Kingston fights back quickly by returning the favor.  Drew MCIntyre puts an end to Kofi’s offense by kicking him in the face.  McIntyre takes the fight to the outside, where he suplexes Kingston on the apron. Ouch.  Back in the ring, Kingston blocks a suplex, and then reverses another suplex into a cross body pin.  McIntyre kicks out, but almost immediately walks into a Trouble in Paradise.  Bummer for you, Drew.

Winner: Kofi Kingston

Rating: 

The theme tonight seems to be, “Too Short to be Great.”  I guess we have to have at least 15 minutes for the epic non-match that is going to end the show.  Damn it, I’m sick of this stupid `Taker/Kane feud.  I really don’t care who the Devil’s favorite son is.  I would think it’s Hornswoggle…he seems to be the spawn of Satan.

So, as far as the SmackDown team for Bragging Rights, I’m pretty happy with it…other than Tyler Reks.  Kaval would’ve been a good addition; Ziggler wouldn’t have been bad, either.  Actually, pretty much any guy who’s been on SmackDown for more than five minutes would’ve been a better choice…but I’m not working in Titan Towers making the big bucks, so what do I know.

Is it just me, or does that Matt Damon movie look an awful lot like Inception? 

Well, it looks like there are 10 minutes left…and I’m really going to have to restrain myself from changing the channel.  Kane tests me immediately by talking.  Kane’s promos are getting choppy and stupid, as he spends half the time talking about Satan and beating his brother, and the other half trying to get cheap heel heat by insulting the audience.  If he’s such a superior, all-powerful demon, why does he care about the audience?  He needs to stick to the demon nonsense, even if it is played out by now.  A huge “Undertaker” chant goes up, and I try to look at the audience to see if it’s real or piped in; I can’t really tell.  Finally, The Undertaker’s music cues up and he comes hobbling down to the ring.  That was the fastest I’ve EVER seen `Taker get to the ring, and even Michael Cole notices.  Perhaps Undertaker will go for a cheap pop by mentioning that he’s happy to be in PORTLAND!!!!

Stare down ensues immediately upon The Undertaker’s entrance.  After a few seconds, `Taker goes to town on Kane.  Paul Bearer waddles out of the ring, and IT’S ON…for about six seconds, until Kane beats a hasty retreat.  `Taker stands alone in the ring and makes a face like he just shit in his pants and is getting a good whiff of it, and Kane hauls ass.  Some special effects follow, both men make more kooky faces, and we’re out.

Well, that’s the end of yet another episode of SmackDown.  As I do every week, let me hand out some awards before I get the heck out of here.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  Edge and Ziggler put on a really good show, as did Rey and Cody Rhodes.

The Not-so-Great Thing of the Night:  While yet another non-match main event is a pretty strong candidate, the winner is the further burying of Kaval…having him lose to a guy who was already pretty dull in his first WWE stint.

Well, folks, I’m out of here.  It’s a busy weekend for “Great” Scott, as I’m attending an 80’s party (dressed as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) and then going to see Daniel Tosh’s comedy tour.  If you haven’t seen Tosh.0, do yourself a favor and look it up.  Funny stuff.  Not nearly as funny as my weekly recaps, but a pretty close second.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend…I’ll see you all back here in seven days.  Thanks for reading!