WWE SmackDown Recap for
October 15, 2010
Hello, everyone.
“Great” Scott here, back again to provide you
with another SmackDown recap. For those of you
that are new to my section of TWF, welcome. For those of you
who have been reading for a while now, don’t you have
anything better to do?
This
week’s recap is brought to you (unbeknownst to them) by
Great American Cookies. Seriously, is
there anything better in this world than a giant
chocolate chip cookie? I can think of a
few things, but a giant cookie would be in the top 50,
at least.
Go to http://www.greatamericancookies.com/
to find a location near you. If there’s not a
location near you…oh well.
Before we get to the show, I’d like to use this
opportunity to do my weekly non-wrestling rant. This week’s rant
is going to seem a little generic, but it’s about a
topic that’s start to drive me mildly insane: negative
political ads.
At first, I thought, “Everyone has to hate these
ads as much as I do,” but after the 1,437 ad I’ve seen
in the last week, I figured that they must be working if
these damned politicians are always using the same
tactics.
Essentially, every ad I see goes something like
this:
Hi, I’m Mike Okhurtz.
My opponent, Gloria Stitz, is a scumbag. Her husband is a
Nazi and her father is a member of the KKK. She steals money
from homeless people, kicks puppies, and eats children.
If I’m elected, I’m not going to do any of those things.
I’m not going to bother you with my qualifications; I
just need you to believe that I suck less my opponent.
I’m Mike Okhurtz and I approve this message.
Even when these jackasses throw in an actual
qualification or goal, it’s something vague like, “I’m
going to balance the budget,” or, “I’m going to hold
people accountable.”
How?
What do these things even mean? I can say that
I’m going to cure cancer or end world hunger…but without
a specific plan, how can you believe me? Honestly, I’m
about ready to do what Richard Pryor recommends in Brewster’s Millions
(a great movie if you haven’t seen it); I’m going to
vote, “None of the Above.”
I’m “Great” Scott…and I approved that rant.
Now that I’ve used this wrestling Web site to advance my
personal agenda…on to the show!
This week’s installment starts with the Undertaker
standing on top of the building…JUMP JUMP!!! Do it!!! Life’s
just not worth it!!! Michelle McCool’s cheating on you
with a toothbrush salesman!!!
Well, The Undertaker doesn’t jump, which puts me in a
bad mood right off.
To make my mood even worst, it appears that bipolar
Michael Cole is going to be on this announce team every
week. Damn
it.
Next, Teddy Long is out to talk about Bragging Rights. He shows RAW’s
team, which has CM Punk on it. Apparently,
that’s who was traded for Edge. I can’t say I’m
happy that Punk moved to RAW…Edge isn’t quite worth it.
Anyway, Teddy says that we’re going to start selecting
team members with matches, the first of which is…
Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes
The only way Rhodes is going to win this is if
Cody starts things off by working on Rey’s arm. Rey flips three
times and arm drags
Could switching to Geico really save you money on your
car insurance?
If a man with multiple personalities is
threatening to commit suicide, is it a hostage
situation?
Upon
our return, we see that
Winner:
Rey Mysterio
Rating:
That match was pretty good. Nothing out of
this world, but sound enough. That was a good
way to start the show, which means something crappy is
coming up.
After more subpar commercials and a beautiful shot of
downtown
After
that Shakespearian performance, Paul Bearer makes an
appearance on Kane’s behalf to challenge The Undertaker
to a buried alive match. Old Paul doesn’t
sound as high-pitched as he used to, which makes him ten
times more tolerable. I will say,
however, that the man still looks creeeeeepy. Scooby Doo
villain creepy.
When I think of people I would want on my side to tackle
a Predator creature, I think ADRIEN BRODY!! I would want my
team rounded out with Verne Troyer, Flavor Flav, and
Richard Simmons.
After the break, Tony Chimel is out to introduce The Big
Show. He’s
going to sit ringside for…
Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin’
Eagle) vs. MVP
Oh goody.
They couldn’t have sent this guy and Hornswoggle over to
RAW for Edge?
Throw in Vickie Guerrero and I would’ve been a
happy, happy little boy.
Swagger tries to start things off quickly, but MVP beats
the tar out of him instead. After a quick
pin attempt, MVP hits some mounted punches, but Swagger
takes control with a kick to the leg and a toss to the
turnbuckle.
Unfortunately for Swagger, he can’t maintain
control, as MVP hits the same damned offense he hits
every week.
MVP goes for the Ballin’ Elbow early, and
actually hits it, but Swagger rolls to the outside to
avoid further punishment. The Swagger
Soarin’ Eagle puts himself between MVP and Swagger, and
the eagle goes soarin’ into the announce table. Swagger uses the
distraction to fling MVP into the ring steps. After this,
Swagger tosses MVP back in the ring and applies the
ankle lock.
MVP taps out in short order.
Winner:
Jack Swagger
Rating:
That match was quick, which was good. It wasn’t long
enough to be terrible, but it wasn’t long enough to be
all that great, either.
After the match, I’m treated to a Fable III commercial
that is BAD ASS!
It’s a sad statement that this commercial has
been the high point of the show so far.
Why learn to play real musical instruments when you can
play cardboard facsimiles? That’s pretty
much why our nation is going to hell in a hand basket…no
one wants to learn how to do anything correctly anymore.
People who play Wii Sports think they’re
athletes; people who go on American Idol think they’re
singers; and people who play cardboard instruments think
they’re musicians.
It’s agonizing.
Okay, WWE, you’re doing this, “look at how generous we
are,” thing waaay too often now. I’ll give you
this last one, then I start mocking.
Wow, no fooling around, we go right to our next
qualifying match.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Chris Masters
Okay, at least half the participants in this match are
decent.
It’s worth noting that Del Rio’s announcer is
actually getting a personality, and he’s much funnier
for it, in my opinion. He was a little
dull at first.
And
not too many people know this, but Masters isn’t only
the president, he’s also a client. That’s another
joke for the over 30 set. Enjoy!
Del Rio is overpowered quickly by Masters, who goes for
the MasterLock right out of the gate. Del Rio gets to
the ropes and takes control by stunning Masters. Del Rio follows
by going to work on Masters’ arm until Masters punches
his way out.
Masters follows up with a Samoan drop and a pair
of clotheslines.
Del Rio tries to fight back, but he runs right
into a powerslam.
Masters tries for the MasterLock again, but Del
Rio hits a cool arm DDT onto his knees to put Masters
down. The
cross arm breaker is academic after that.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Rating:
Like the last match, this match was a little too short
to really be better than average.
After the match, Del Rio confronts Big Show. Show extends a
hand, but Del Rio refuses to shake it, opting to wink at
him instead.
Nice.
Next, we have to sit through a trailer for Knucklehead. Melora Harden
now has the honor of being in two of the worst
“sports-related” movies of all time…this and The Comebacks.
This movie looks truly terrible. I’m thinking
this is a scam by WWE Pictures to make Legendary look
less horrible.
Edge is in the back, and he’s walking…and GAWKING (at
women).
He’s fighting Dolph Ziggler (crap) for a spot on
Team SmackDown.
Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler (without
Vickie…YES!)
Man, I don’t like Ziggler’s chances here…I do, however,
like that Ziggler’s lost 200 pounds of useless fat
(coughcoughVickiecoughcough).
The match starts out with some competent chain wrestling
that culminates in Edge punching and kicking Ziggler in
the corner.
In the back, we see the two ends of the female
beauty spectrum.
In the ring, Edge is working over Ziggler, who
manages to fight back with an elbow to the gut, a punch,
and a choke over the middle rope. Ziggler follows
up with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap. After two failed
pin attempts, Ziggler applies a half-nelson from which
Edge quickly escapes. Ziggler heads to
the outside, but Edge hits a baseball slide and brings
his opponent back in the ring. Ziggler then
gets in the move of the night as he kicks Edge coming
through the ropes and hits a nice neckbreaker while Edge
is stuck between the ropes. Ziggler follows
up with an elbow drop. Edge tries to
get back into the match, but Ziggler stays in control.
This doesn’t last long, as Ziggler climbs the
corner and Edge kicks him off the top rope. Edge follows
Ziggler outside and tries for a spear, but misses, which
allows Ziggler to hit a wicked-looking Zig Zag into the
steel steps. Holy crap, that looked rough! Ziggler tries to
get the 10-count victory, but Edge rolls in at 9.85.
Ziggler is rightfully pissed. Since this match
is gaining momentum, of course we need to go to
commercial.
Another commercial for a game I’ve pre-ordered: Fallout: New Vegas.
I’m really looking forward to this game. I’m a huge fan
of games with a clever, well-written story. This game looks
to fit the bill.
When we return, Ziggler has another submission locked
on. Edge
gets to his feet, but Ziggler stays on the attack. After two elbow
strikes, Ziggler goes for a corner splash, but misses.
Edge follows by pancaking Ziggler, hitting a
forearm, hitting a clothesline, and landing his
face-first falling half nelson thing. Ziggler manages
a second rope sunset flip, but Edge rolls through and
slingshots Ziggler to the ring post. Edge tries for a
pin and only gets two. Both men get to
their feet, and Ziggler clamps on a sleeper. Edge escapes and
hits his jumping DDT, but can’t get the victory. Ziggler plays
possum and slings Edge to the corner by his tights. He tries to end
the match with the Zig Zag, but Edge holds on to the
ropes. Edge
goes for the spear, but Ziggler to leap over it. Ziggler jumps to
the second rope and then jumps into a spear from Edge.
Odd.
Winner:
Edge
Rating:
The ending was a little contrived, and the beginning was
a little slow, but the middle was good there for a few
minutes.
Definitely the highlight match of the evening.
After the match, we head up to the top of the building,
where The Undertaker (most unfortunately) hasn’t jumped
or fallen.
I only wish the wind was stronger.
Next up, the RAW Rebound. I could give two
shits about Cena or Nexus (I’m tired of this angle), but
I’m pleased that Hennig and Rotunda(o) are getting
something to do.
I think they’d make a good team if they went the
route of having them both shed their stupid names and
revert to their actual names. It would be good
stuff.
Throw in Brett DiBiase and Steamboat’s kid and
you’d have a really good stable on your hands, I think.
I must say that I’m thrilled I don’t have to watch RAW
these days…21 percent of each show is Cena looking
regretful and thinking things over.
After the RAW Rebound, we head up to the ring for…
Big Show vs. Kaval
So, Kaval only has to last five minutes. That didn’t work
out for Lucky Cannon on NXT, but maybe Kaval will make
out better.
Right away, maybe Kaval WON’T make out better, as
Big Show smacks him around and steps on him. He follows this
with a two-handed choke, headbutt, standing on him, and
a punch to the gut. Next, Big Show
hoists Kaval up and slams him down with one arm. Kaval lands
three punches that Big Show doesn’t even attempt to sell
before landing a huge forearm and a chop to the chest.
Big Show tells Kaval to stay down, but Kaval refuses to
do so…this isn’t wise. Show hits
another chop and flings Kaval across the ring. He follows this
by stepping on Kaval’s head and throwing him outside by
his throat.
Kaval gets about a half dozen kicks in until he
runs into a choke by Big Show…but Show doesn’t manage to
hit the chokeslam because the time’s up.
Winner (in the loosest sense of the word):
Kaval
Rating:
That was essentially a gimmicky squash match. Would it have
killed the WWE to make Kaval look slightly credible?
At least Kaval gets a chance to be on the PPV.
After the match, I get to see the awesome Fable III
commercial again.
I wish they would’ve spaced this game and Fallout: New Vegas
out a little better…one week just isn’t enough time!!
After the commercial, Kaval is still suffering in the
ring. While
he’s licking his wounds, a new and improved
eeeeeviiiilllll Tyler Reks comes out to challenge Kaval,
so we get…
Tyler Reks vs. Kaval
Kaval tries to end the match quickly with the Warrior’s
Way, but Reks moves and runs him over with a
shoulderblock.
He follows this with a torture-rack-to-DDT
finisher.
That’s all she wrote for Kaval.
Winner:
Tyler Reks
Rating:
Come on, that wasn’t even a match. I thought Kane
and Undertaker were in the buried alive match, but it
appears Kaval is, too, because they’re burying him
alive.
So,
a generic big guy who looks like the love child of Mike
Knox and the guy from 10,000 B.C. is
going to the PPV, while an exciting rookie gets held
back. It’s
good to see WWE sticking to its blueprint for success.
Because having rookies at PPVs never works
(coughDanielBryanwastheonlygoodthingaboutSummerSlamcough). Man, I must have
a cold tonight, what with all this coughing…
How does Burger King stay in business? Their
commercials suck, their breakfast menu looks terrible,
and their “mascot” is one step above a child molester.
And I’m sorry, drawing black lines on your
burgers doesn’t fool me into thinking they’re really
flame broiled.
Apparently, the WWE has a Cody Rhodes quota to meet, as
we’re treated to another grooming vignette. This week, we’re
focusing on the fingernails, and the lisp is in full
effect.
Most importantly, we learn that Cody uses clear
nail polish…(coughcoughhomocoughcough).
After I learn how to clip my nails properly, I’m going
to learn who the last member of the SmackDown team is,
because it’s on to…
Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Kingston
Drew McIntyre takes an early advantage by stomping Kofi
in the corner.
Kingston fights back quickly by returning the
favor. Drew
MCIntyre puts an end to Kofi’s offense by kicking him in
the face.
McIntyre takes the fight to the outside, where he
suplexes Kingston on the apron. Ouch. Back in the
ring, Kingston blocks a suplex, and then reverses
another suplex into a cross body pin. McIntyre kicks
out, but almost immediately walks into a Trouble in
Paradise.
Bummer for you, Drew.
Winner:
Kofi Kingston
Rating:
The theme tonight seems to be, “Too Short to be Great.” I guess we have
to have at least 15 minutes for the epic non-match that
is going to end the show. Damn it, I’m
sick of this stupid `Taker/Kane feud. I really don’t
care who the Devil’s favorite son is. I would think
it’s Hornswoggle…he seems to be the spawn of Satan.
So, as far as the SmackDown team for Bragging Rights,
I’m pretty happy with it…other than Tyler Reks. Kaval would’ve
been a good addition; Ziggler wouldn’t have been bad,
either.
Actually, pretty much any guy who’s been on
SmackDown for more than five minutes would’ve been a
better choice…but I’m not working in Titan Towers making
the big bucks, so what do I know.
Is it just me, or does that Matt Damon movie look an
awful lot like Inception?
Well, it looks like there are 10 minutes left…and I’m
really going to have to restrain myself from changing
the channel.
Kane tests me immediately by talking. Kane’s promos
are getting choppy and stupid, as he spends half the
time talking about Satan and beating his brother, and
the other half trying to get cheap heel heat by
insulting the audience. If he’s such a
superior, all-powerful demon, why does he care about the
audience?
He needs to stick to the demon nonsense, even if
it is played out by now. A huge
“Undertaker” chant goes up, and I try to look at the
audience to see if it’s real or piped in; I can’t really
tell.
Finally, The Undertaker’s music cues up and he
comes hobbling down to the ring. That was the
fastest I’ve EVER seen `Taker get to the ring, and even
Michael Cole notices. Perhaps
Undertaker will go for a cheap pop by mentioning that
he’s happy to be in PORTLAND!!!!
Stare down ensues immediately upon The Undertaker’s
entrance.
After a few seconds, `Taker goes to town on Kane.
Paul Bearer waddles out of the ring, and IT’S ON…for
about six seconds, until Kane beats a hasty retreat. `Taker stands
alone in the ring and makes a face like he just shit in
his pants and is getting a good whiff of it, and Kane
hauls ass.
Some special effects follow, both men make more
kooky faces, and we’re out.
Well, that’s the end of yet another episode of
SmackDown. As I do every
week, let me hand out some awards before I get the heck
out of here.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Edge and Ziggler
put on a really good show, as did Rey and Cody Rhodes.
The
Not-so-Great Thing of the Night: While yet
another non-match main event is a pretty strong
candidate, the winner is the further burying of Kaval…having
him lose to a guy who was already pretty dull in his
first WWE stint.
Well, folks, I’m out of here. It’s a busy
weekend for “Great” Scott, as I’m attending an 80’s
party (dressed as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) and
then going to see Daniel Tosh’s comedy tour. If you haven’t
seen Tosh.0, do yourself a favor and look it up. Funny stuff.
Not nearly as funny as my weekly recaps, but a pretty
close second.
Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend…I’ll see you
all back here in seven days. Thanks for
reading!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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