Glory be, here I am
again with a (belated) SmackDown report. So, yes,
Hell In A Cell was the worst PPV for some time in my
humble opinion. Nothing more need be said. RAW
resides happily in the toilet at the moment, I've
given up watching it entirely (try it, it's easy).
My hopes aren't high for this Bragging Rights
rubbish either (by its very nature it is demoting
ECW further, and an Iron Man match between Cena and
Orton is something you'd have to pay me handsomely
to sit through). So with my expectations mired
somewhere distinctly 'middling', let's take a deep
breath and dive into SmackDown, shall we.
Right off the bat we're recapping the fuck-you that
was Taker/Punk at HIAC. God that pissed me off. So
Punk said something bitchy backstage, how does that
justify pissing away the match as an eight-minute,
horribly predictable curtain-jerker? One of the most
retarded booking ideas this year. Anyway, our shiny
new titles roll and we're live in Trenton, NJ. Sexy.
Taker will be here to show off his belt. Also, Rey
Mysterio will take on Chris Jericho for really no
reason whatsoever. And Batista will be taking on CM
Punk for no reason at all too. Here comes Teddy Long
to justify these stupid matches. He'd like to
congratulate Taker, saying that his 'performance' at
HIAC proves that SmackDown is the dominant brand. He
then shills Bragging Rights, to a mixture of
piped-in cheers and total silence. Of course, if
Cena loses the Iron Man match, he's leaving RAW.
What I would give to see Cena on ECW. Ha. Here comes
Punk, interrupting Long by limping slowly
towards the ring. Punk is pissed off that Teddy's
talking about a RAW superstar, and says (correctly)
that SmackDown doesn't need Cena, and that Teddy
needs to focus on him. He says his match at HIAC was
"the worst, most horrible match of my career" which
is hard to argue against. Punk's not happy with
having to face DAVE, he wants his rematch against
Taker, he wants it to be a submission match and he
wants Scott Armstrong as referee. And heeeeere's
McMahon and his very chunky neck
waddle out to a big pop. Long is still on probation,
of course. McMahon says that the World Heavyweight
championship will be decided in a four-way with
Taker, Punk, Rey Mysterio and DAVE, whose infinite
title shots cheat code is still fucking working, it
would seem. By the way, if you have the time, take a
look at how many PPV world title shots Batista has
had. It's ridiculous. McMahon introduces Rey and
...we have our first
Mysterio vs Chris Jericho
Morrison is facing Dolph Ziggler tonight, for the IC
title. Okay. So, yeah, Rey vs Chris again. There's
nothing these guys can do that we haven't already
seen 100 times this year. They still have good
chemistry, and the match is watchable, but dull to
recap because I've seen it so many times already.
Jericho dominates for the first few minutes. He
throws Rey to the outside as we go to more
BACK and Rey's in a headlock,
shock horror. Nice spot sees Jericho knee a running
Rey in the midsection, only to have Rey roll through
and roll Jericho up for two. Weird enzuigiri takes
Rey down for two. Then Jericho hangs Rey on the top
rope and shoves him to the outside. This is good for
Jericho, as he's been made to look like a total
bitch on RAW recently. Though, we've just learned
that Rey's in a World Title four-way, so a loss here
will make him look stupid. Jericho stupidly tries to
get Rey's mask, gets shoved off and eats a senton
and a crossbody. Rey rolls through a sunset flip and
lands a low dropkick for two. Rey goes for a 619 but
Jericho catches his legs and goes for the Walls but
gets cradled for two. Torture rack backbreaker from
Jericho gets two. Rey escapes a bulldog and rana's
Jericho into the 619 position, but Jericho's up
quickly and some sort of exchange gets screwed up.
Rey quickly springboards and Jericho snares him in
the Walls. Rey crawls out, Jericho lifts him up, Rey
kicks Jericho in the head and hits the 619 and a
splash for the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
That was okay. Nice and quick. Rey looked a little
sloppy and there were a handful of mistakes in there
from both guys. Not their best match by a long shot,
but still very watchable.
is going to be one of the greatest SmackDowns of all
time, according to Tard. I'll make a note of that.
But RAW is "not a bad programme" either. So here's a
recap of Ben Roethlisberger's show, whoever the fuck
he is. Apparently he plays for the 'Sixburgh
Steelers' according to JR. This recap covers all the
stupid unfunny segments and totally ignores The Miz
winning the US Title.
A truncated 'Word Up'
serves only to announce that Eve is taking on
Michelle McCool after ADVERTISING.
BACK and I
hope Punk completely floors DAVE in the main event,
but that ain't gonna happen. Not looking forward to
that at all. Oh yeah, Divas.
Eve Torres vs Women's Champion Michelle McCool
There's a sign in the crowd saying WE WANT CHERRY.
Yeah, I kinda liked Cherry too. Fuck it, bring back
Deuce & Domino! So McCool hits Eve for a few
moments, then Eve returns the favour. Lots of
rolling around and yelling. Brief chase around the
outside. Eve goes for a cover for no reason and gets
a zero count. Eve gets fired into the buckles and
McCool follows up with a "running knee" which was
actually just a running ass. A few kneedrops and a
legdrop follow. I swore I just heard a 'TNA' chant.
Screaming resthold from here. Eve goes for a throw
but McCool cartwheels out. Eve hits two nice
dropkicks and a shitty forward flip thing for two.
Handspring elbow doesn't work either, as McCool
craply kicks her in the back. Eve turns a suplex
into an inside cradle for two. McCool ducks a
clothesline then just boots Eve in the face to end
Shitty match. No question, no
BACK and oooooh god,
it's Vickie and her new protege, Eric Escobar. Her
haircut is horrible. Eric Escobar doesn't have a
match tonight. Oh well. Vickie whines for a while
about the World Title four-way. Escobar talks
Spanish. I don't care. Thankfully, here's a match!
Well, both guys get to the ring and then there's
more goddamn ADVERTISING.
(c) John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler, Intercontinental
BACK, here we go, this'll
be good. Solid mat and chain wrestling to start out.
Flippy armbar reversals. Morrison ducks a
clothesline and hits one of his beautiful dropkicks
for one. Tard and JR are just waffling on, I've
basically tuned them out now, I find it very hard to
take in anything they say. Awesome backbreaker, leg
sweep, breakdancing legdrop combo from Morrison gets
two. Abruptly, Maria scurries out, seemingly
remembering that she's supposed to be Dolph's
girlfriend/valet/whatever. She gets no reaction at
all and takes a chair at ringside. I guess she's
turning heel tonight. Everything these two guys do
looks good, they're as fluid as it's possible to be.
Cool stuff galore; Ziggler blocks a kick but
Morrison just wheels round and delivers another in
the same movement. Belly-to-back from Ziggler gets
two. Leaping screaming elbowdrop gets two. Chinlock.
Maria isn't really doing anything yet. Morrison
fights out of the chinlock but is kinda groggy, and
Ziggler beats him down with slaps and kicks.
Fighting to his feet, Morrison quickly eats a
lightning-quick powerslam. More mat-based
Hennig-esque stuff from Ziggler, who looks pretty
good here. Sort-of camel clutch from Ziggler,
Morrison turns it into an electric chair drop and
takes Ziggler down with some strikes, a forearm, leg
lariat and standing SSP for two. Man, both these
guys are quick. Big boot from Morrison, then
Morrison bodypresses both he and Ziggler over and
out. Ziggler hits Morrison in the gut and rolls him
back inside. Ziggler picks up Maria's chair and sets
it just outside the ring, going back on the
offensive as Maria just picks up the chair and sits
down on it. Stupid woman, he wanted it to cheat
with! Ziggler reaches for empty space, does a
"where's the chair?!" face - and walks right into a
Chuck kick for the loss. Huh.
Winner: John Morrison
That was kind of a mess at the end there - is Maria
really that stupid? For a second I thought she was
gonna turn on Ziggler but she just tends to him in
the ring and that's that. Very decent match up until
the chair nonsense though.
So Taker has now
won seven World titles. Here's a nice little video
package covering all seven victories (over Hogan,
Sid, Austin, Hogan again, Batista, Edge, CM Punk)
and here's more ADVERTISING.
BACK with a
brief recap of the stupidity with Maria and the
chair from just now. Blah. Backstage, Maria is
whining at Dolph, wondering why he's pissed off. In
short, he ditches Maria. She whimpers. Good. And
it's the DAVE and Rey show in the locker room,
muttering about Bragging Rights and having each
other's backs and shit. Another match? Alrighty!
R-Truth and Matt Hardy are facing... somebody. After
the break. Apparently "you're never gonna believe"
who they're facing. Whenever JR says shit like this
I panic. I smell Kane. ADVERTISING.
the illustrious opponents are... WHY. WHY.
R-Truth & Matt Hardy vs Drew McIntyre & Kane
So, yes, in the rent-a-heel spot is of course Kane,
who got an audible 'oh, for fuck's sake' kind of
reaction. McIntyre is a pretty big guy, actually. He
starts out with Hardy, and makes him look small, and
pudgy. Generic to-and-fro with headlocks and
armlocks and stuff. Hardy takes control early,
tagging in Truth quickly for some very stiff-looking
strikes. Kane gets the blind tag, and Truth kicks
McIntyre in the gut before walking into Kane's boot.
Kane manhandles truth in his usual boring way. A
decent low dropkick gets two. McIntyre tags back in
for a quick snap suplex and a two count. Kane tags
himself back in, goes for a sidewalk slam but Truth
(rather awkwardly) flips out of it and trips Kane
into the corner. This is better than I thought it'd
be. Still not great. Both McIntyre and Hardy tag in,
and Hardy takes over. McIntyre's a good seller.
(amusing call from Tard: "Hardy goes to the place he
finds comfort... the second rope!"). Side Effect
gets nought as Kane breaks up the count. Truth
dropkicks Kane out, McIntyre clocks Truth, Hardy
goes for a Twist of Fate on McIntyre, who shoves him
into a stiff right hand from Kane. McIntyre then
hits his slightly crappy double-arm DDT on Hardy for
Winners: Drew McIntyre
We are AGAIN reminded that yes,
Undertaker is JOINING US tonight - after, of course,
BACK. Tony Chimel is announcing
tonight and I kinda like him. He introduces Taker,
who strides out wearing the belt (and new tights?)
Two full minutes later, Taker is actually in the
ring. He talks about wayward souls, and all that
stuff. He calls the World title the 'Holy Grail'. He
talks about a road that ends in his yard, or
something. He talks about Bragging Rights (which
takes place on "October twenty-five" apparently) and
the four-way and taking souls and yada yada. Gotta
say, Taker/Mysterio sounds like an interesting
matchup. Decent promo, usual fare. Our main event
BACK and here's big ol'
DAVE to ruin my evening. I recall he faced Punk last
at the Great American Bash last summer, in one of
his twenty billion FAILED world title shots (Kane
interfered). So, yes. I hate thrown-together title
matches like this fucking four-way - what happened
to the notion of '#1 contenders'? What have DAVE and
Mysterio done to earn a shot, other than fail to win
the tag titles last week? Guh.
Batista vs CM Punk
Punk lands a
single kick then takes a powder. JR puts over Punk
quite extensively, and Tard follows up by saying
that since he returned, Batista has beaten Big Show,
Jericho, Randy Orton and Kane ("a murderer's row!").
Batista manhandles Punk for a little moment before
Punk escapes to the outside again. Punk gets back in
the ring very slowly. There is a small but
noticeable 'CM Punk' chant. Wow, only about seven
minutes of show left. Gotta hand it to DAVE, he can
go the distance! A brief to-and-fro leads to Punk
escaping AGAIN. DAVE shouts "come on!" as we go to
BACK, yawn, and Batista gets a
two-count following a suplex. He shoves Punk in the
corner for some shots, and Punk tries to schoolboy
him but fails. Shortly after, Punk goes for a kick
but Batista catches him in his ANKLE LOCK which
we're supposed to care about but nobody does. Punk
slips out. Nice kick and a flying Knee from Punk get
a zero-count because Teest is under the ropes.
Another flying knee from Punk gets two. Headlock
time. Punk is basically slowly working on Teest's
big fat head. Teest is doing nothing. JR just said
that Batista and CM Punk are the same size. Uh, no.
Punk puts Teest in a figure four headlock. Batista
powers out and hits a really crappy sidewalk slam.
The crowd is very, very quiet. Teest shoves Punk
into the corner for his usual stuff. Powerslam from
Batista gets two. Punk trips Batista into the
buckles and hits his corner knee. Batista escapes
the bulldog but runs into a kick. Punk goes for
another knee but Batista catches him in a
spinebuster. Punk rolls out and tries to escape
under the ring. Teest pulls him out and goes to
Batista Bomb Punk outside the ring. Punk grabs onto
the top rope and kicks DAVE to the ground, and DAVE
gets counted out. HAHAHA.
Winner: CM Punk
After the bell, CM Punk gets a Batista Bomb in the
ring, which activates Teest's theme music, and
that's your show. God, that was a crappy main event.
So goddamn slow. I get that Punk is supposed to be
beaten up after HIAC, but what was Batista's excuse?
I liked the finish though. Anything that makes DAVE
look stupid is fine by me.
YES: Not much YES this week sadly.
Morrison/Ziggler was decent, but had a weird finish
(no Starship Pain?) And I guess Taker's promo was
pretty good. And Jericho/Mysterio was okay but we've
seen that a billion times already.
NO: The main event was awful, as was the
Divas match. The whole show was pretty bereft of
ideas this week, the only notable
storyline-progressing thing that happened was Dolph
WHAT?: JR is talking an
increasing amount of drivel. CM Punk and Batista are
nowhere near "the same size", you idiot. And where
is 'Sixburgh'? Also, Tard said tonight was going to
be one of the greatest SmackDowns of all time, which
was an abject fucking lie.
That is all. God
that was a rough show. Let's hope THE ROAD TO
BRAGGING RIGHTS is paved with wonderfulness. I'm Ian
Sparke, asking you politely to FUCK RAW.