WWE SmackDown Recap for
October 8, 2010
Hello, everyone!
“Great” Scott is back on the attack with yet
another hysterically funny…well, okay, maybe a
relatively humorous SmackDown recap.
This
week’s recap is brought to you (unofficially, of course)
by the extremely funny 1988 movie The Great Outdoors,
starring Dan Aykroyd and John Candy. This movie is
really underrated and is still funny when I watch it
today.
There are three pretty iconic scenes in this
movie that you probably don’t even know are in this
movie (involving a big steak, a big bear, and the recipe
for hot dogs).
If you haven’t seen this movie, give Blockbuster
a little business and go rent this movie…it’ll be worth
it.
Before I continue, I’d like to do my weekly
non-wrestling rant.
Now, I realize that we are a nation of fat, lazy people. Hell, I’m pretty
fat and lazy myself. Our laziness has
lead us to invent things that prevent us in partaking in
pretty non-strenuous activities like getting up to
change the channel on the television (the remote
control), going out to get the mail (e-mail), and eating
yogurt (GoGurt).
However, I never thought that we, as a nation,
would become to use our cars’ turn signals. I mean, damn it,
it’s right where you keep your hand anyway! But I’ll be
damned if people can’t just move their hands an inch or
two to hit the frickin’ thing. And of the 10
percent of the populace that actually does use their
turn signals, most of them do so WHEN THEY’RE TURNING!!
HEY IDIOTS, I CAN TELL BY THE FACT THAT YOUR
FIVE-TON HUMMER IS MOVING TO THE LEFT THAT YOU ARE
INDEED TURNING!!
You use your turn signal BEFORE you turn to
signal that you’re GOING TO TURN. If I can just
convince one person to use their damned turn signal,
I’ll consider this rant a rousing success.
Now, on to the show!
Things start off relatively well, as we’re told that the
main event is a Del Rio/Mysterio rematch. I am guardedly
optimistic so far.
Next, we’re told that Paul Bearer turned on The
Undertaker on Sunday.
Be still my beating heart. Unfortunately,
this means that this feud will continue. Any optimism I
had is now gone.
The show proper begins with Teddy Long introducing
SmackDown’s newest acquisition, Edge. I’m hoping that
RAW gets two people in return: Hornswoggle and Vicki
Guerrero.
Hell, you can also have the tag team champs. That seems fair.
Anyway, I guess Edge is going to compete right away, as
he heads to the ring for the first match of the night.
Edge
vs. Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle)
I wonder if that’s Hector Guerrero in that costume. Gobbledygooker
2.0!
It’s good to see we’re getting a PPV match for free…it
seems like that’s the M.O. for the WWE lately. Anyway, Swagger
starts off by taking Edge down a time or two using good
old-fashioned college wrestling. After that,
Swagger humiliates Edge by doing pushups on Edges back
and trotting around the ring. Swagger goes to
celebrate with his mascot, but Edge goes for a spear
from behind…err, that didn’t come out right. Swagger moves
out of the way and Edges gores the Swagger Soarin’
Eagle.
ANIMAL CRUELTY! Swagger is so
upset by the turn of events that he needs a commercial
break to recover.
Could switching to Geico save you 25 percent or more on
your auto insurance?
Are these commercials making me want to stab my
eyes out with spoons? You betcha!
When we return, Jack Swagger is in the process of
getting popped with a spinning heel kick. While Swagger’s
mascot is being stretchered out, Swagger regains control
by racking Edge’s arm over the top rope. He continues to
work over Edge’s arm, but Edge eventually punches his
way back into things. He hits a
clothesline-sorta’ move and then drapes Swagger over the
second rope and hits a low cross body. The match really
picks up steam from here, and I miss a move or two, but
manage to look up to see Edge DDT Swagger off the second
rope. Edge
tries to follow up, but Swagger drops Edge with a
belly-to-belly suplex. Man, things are
going way too fast for me to keep up. Edge misses a
spear, but Swagger can’t get the gutwrench powerbomb or
the ankle lock to go. After a second
ankle lock attempt fails, Edge sends Swagger to the
corner, takes off for the ropes, and hits a spear to win
his first match back on SmackDown.
Winner:
Edge
Rating:
That was a very good match. Edge looked a
lot less lethargic than he has lately. Both men put on
a very good show.
The mascot getting carted out only added points.
You know, I would’ve thought Gone Fishin’ was
going to be Danny Glover’s worst movie. Boy, was I ever
wrong.
And because the WWE doesn’t want to get me too excited
about tonight’s show, we’re treated to a Cody Rhodes
vignette.
This week’s topic: dental hygiene. What do we
learn? Cody uses an electric toothbrush. Matt Striker
makes an appropriate Isaac Yankem joke.
We sink further into hell because the next match is…
Layla (with Michelle McCool) vs. Kelly
Kelly (with Natalya)
Michael Cole talks about how good Michelle smells. She
probably smells like whatever toothpaste was on the
toothbrush she used to bring up her lunch. Can’t get Mickie
James fat!
Some crap not worth recapping happens to start, with
Kelly botching even a simple shove. After a minute
or two, Layla kicks Kelly to the outside, where Michelle
beats on her while Natalya intelligently distracts the
ref. Layla
clips Kelly’s leg and works on it for a second or two
until Kelly fights out and completely no sells the leg
injury as she runs through her generic diva offense
(lots of hair pulling). Kelly goes for
the handspring elbow THAT NEVER WORKS, and it doesn’t
work, which allows Layla to hit her (crappy) version of
the Rude Awakening to get the win.
Winner:
Layla
Rating:
That match was no better than the other 1,000 matches
Kelly’s had so far.
It’s pretty sad that we judge Kelly Kelly’s
matches as a success when she doesn’t cripple someone.
After the match, Natalya’s chesticles check on Kelly
Kelly. I
know she’s feuding with LayCool, but what was the point
of even having her out there?
Oh
goody, Big Show’s here…and he’s in SILLY MODE!!! Big Show’s in a
movie? I
hear that the people who green lit Big Show’s movie
(coincidentally called Knucklehead) are
trying to double the sales of Legendary…which
means they’re shooting to sell 16 copies. Big Show
announces that he’s the team captain for the SmackDown
team at Bragging Rights. Why? He’s like the
eighth best guy on the show. He also
announces that Hornswoggle is the team’s mascot. Shoot me now.
Hornswoggle is dressed like a female viking
Smurf. As
if this skit hasn’t plunged far enough in the shitter,
The Dudebusters come out to join the festivities. Big Show doesn’t
know who they are.
Come on, Show, they’re the guys who’ve lost 75
times over the last three months! The Dudebusters
threaten to join RAW’s team (captained by Miz, we
learn), so Big Show chokeslams them. He continues to
act like an idiot while Michael Cole verbally strokes
The Miz’s penis.
After that, we’re treated to yet another reminder of why
Mysterio and Del Rio are fighting. The guy in Memento didn’t
need this many reminders.
Paper Jamz are air guitars for kids whose parents have
too much disposable income.
Damn it to hell.
We’re going to round out the hour with…
Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval
and Kofi Kingston
I’m not even going to make the obvious joke about what
Kaval and Kofi Kingston’s tag team name could be. (Ain’t
alliteration grand?) I spent about
five minutes trying to come up with a name for the
Rhodes/McIntyre team…Caberdashing was the best I could
do, but I think I’m asking a lot of the average WWE
audience member to know what caber tossing and a
haberdasher are.
Rhodes starts with Kingston and takes advantage of
things early, quickly tagging to McIntyre. Kingston fights
back, but misses a corner splash. Kingston fights
back again, but McIntyre prevents a tag and brings
Rhodes back in the ring. Rhodes tries to
prevent Kingston from tagging, but he fails. Kaval comes
enters and hits a bevy of cool moves, including a kick
that probably knocked out a few of Rhodes’ perfect
teeth.
Everything breaks down after this, as McIntyre
breaks up Kaval’s crazy dragon sleeper, which brings in
Kingston.
Both illegal men end up back outside the ring,
but McIntyre manages to get back on the apron to
distract Kaval long enough for Cody to stun him over the
top rope and hit the CrossRhodes for the win.
Winners:
Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre
Rating:
That match was far too short, but had potential. I think I’m
being a little generous here, but I figure a half point
is in order because Cody was legitimately bloodied
during the match…most likely as a result of one of
Kaval’s kicks.
Paul Bearer’s in the ring…and he’s announcing the man
who destroyed The Undertaker…Vladimir Kozlov?!? Oh, no, it’s
Kane.
Oops…silly me. I’m so glad that
he turned on Undertaker, because there’s nothing more I
wanted than for this feud to continue.
Sooooo,
Kane takes the microphone and yammers on, while the
awesome special effects department puts a flame-like
light graphic on the ring while the audio guy plays the
soundtrack to the haunted house at Disneyland. Trust me,
fellas’ I don’t need flame lighting or scary music to
remind me I’m in hell…Kane’s promos do that juuuuuust
fine.
What’s funny, is during Kane’s crap promo, the
crowd is chanting “Un-d er-tak-er,” like they’re at a
college football game.
I know what this feud needs….bring back The Acolytes and
Mideon.
Viscera would be great, too! If you’re going
to have a sucky main event feud, make is suck with
STYLE!
Get Verizon, so they can help you miss out on life
experiences while you’re Twitting, Tweeting, Twatting,
and Facebooking about them!!
MVP vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie
Guerrero)
This is a match for the intercontinental championship. At this point in
the program, my patience with “Heel Michael Cole” is
about wearing thin; add in Vickie, and I almost DON’T
want to see this match.
MVP starts off by limbering up with some jumping jacks. The two men lock
up until MVP backs Ziggler to the corner. MVP follows up
by taking Ziggler down after an Irish whip and then
kicking him in the back of the head. MVP continues
the offense with a suplex and a pin attempt. Ziggler fightss
back and drops his trademark big elbow. After the elbow,
Ziggler chokes MVP on the bottom rope and signals Vickie
to help, but she sits there and sulks. At least she’s
keeping her blubbery mouth shut. Now she’s
leaving!!!
And with that, the match gets an extra point!
While Ziggler is watching Vickie ooze out of the
arena, MVP takes advantage and jumps him. Because everyone
watching wants to celebrate the now Vickie-free match,
we go to commercial!
You know those are fake Africans on the Subway
commercial because they’re wearing shoes. African runners
NEVER WEAR SHOES!!! Gotcha’ Subway!
Upon our return to the match, Ziggler what looked to be
half chicken wing rear naked choke sorta’ hold locked on
MVP. When
MVP tries to escape, Ziggler hits a nice neck breaker.
He follows up with a fireman’s carry and a move that
looks a lot like a camel clutch. MVP works his
way to his feet and lands a headbutt and a series of
punches.
Ziggler ducks one of the punches and leaps into a
sleeper.
MVP gets out and tries to regain control, but
Ziggler has other ideas, as he hits a FameAsser that
gets a pair of two counts. Ziggler drops
another Lex Luger leaping elbow, but still can’t get a
three count.
Ziggler takes a play out of the Randy Orton
playbook and clamps on a chinlock. MVP escapes, but
Ziggler pounds him back down. Ziggler takes
off for the ropes, but MVP hits his belly-to-belly
“suplex” (more like a toss). From here, MVP
takes control, hitting his typical moves, while adding
an exploder suplex, which is a nice change of pace. MVP lifts a
prone Ziggler, who hits a jawbreaker to stop MVP’s
momentum.
Ziggler stomps at MVP, but runs into a boot. MVP goes for a
suplex, but Ziggler escapes and locks on sleeper, from
which MVP escapes.
Kaitlyn is out now, which adds a half point to
the score.
She is beautiful. MVP goes for the
ballin’ elbow, but Kaitlyn grabs MVP’s leg. This distracts
him long enough for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for the
win.
Winner:
Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
This match was just about average, but after the points
are tallied, I’ll give it four “Gs.”
Next, the WWE shows me another non-mockable video
package dedicated to our troops. Of course, they
follow this with Alberto Del Rio kissing a Chihuahua…
After the commercial break, it’s time for the RAW
Rebound. On
this week’s episode, “Pensive” John Cena took up about
40 percent of the show “considering” things. I watched on and
off, and most of what I saw was Cena thinking things
over…ugh. I
like the idea of Cena having to follow Barrett’s orders
at the risk of being fired, but you could’ve added two
matches in the time Cena spent looked concerned and
conflicted.
I also loved the shots of the little kids who
looked betrayed by Cena…just wait two weeks until Vince
and the “creative” team get sick of this angle. Things’ll be
fine, kiddies!
In the back, Josh Matthews is with Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio does
half of the interview in Spanish, but that doesn’t stop
him from being awesome. I’ll even
forgive him for calling Rey “dog trash,” which doesn’t
make sense in any language.
The Burger King breakfast bowl commercial with the flute
player could be the worst commercial I’ve ever seen.
Now, on to the main event!
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio
Man, these introductions are taking forever…and, man is
that kid at the base of the ring steps corpulent. I know I
could’ve said “fat” there, but how often do you get to
use the word “corpulent?”
Anyway, Del Rio takes the early advantage with some
cheap shots, but Mysterio fights back quickly. The two men
botch a move, but the pace picks back up as Del Rio goes
flying to the outside after trying to leap onto Rey.
Rey tries for a seated senton, but Del Rio moves, only
to get dropped, face first, into the ring steps. Rey follows this
up by dropkicking Del Rio’s arm into the ring steps.
As if that wasn’t impressive enough, Rey heads to the
top rope and hits a hiiiiiiiiigh cross body on Del Rio
on the outside.
That move was so super-cool that we need a
commercial break!
Bobbleheads don’t like tire puns.
After the break, Mysterio goes for an early 619, but Del
Rio rolls out of the ring. As Del Rio turns
around, Mysterio baseball slide kicks him right back
down. Del
Rio begs off, but that doesn’t stop Rey.
Back in the ring, Mysterio continues to kick the piss
out of Del Rio, followed by another baseball slide kick
in the corner.
Del Rio looks like he’s had a lobotomy. Rey goes to the
top rope, but Del Rio leaps to the turnbuckle and cleans
Rey’s clock with a sweeeeeet kick to the back of his
head, sending Mysterio tumbling to the outside.
Del Rio rolls Rey back in and immediately targets his
arm. Del
Rio drops knees to Rey’s shoulder, flings him shoulder
first to the turnbuckle, and clamps on an armbar, but
Rey fights back.
Mysterio hits Del Rio with a boot on two
consecutive corner charges and then heads to the top
rope again, but Del Rio stops him. Del Rio goes for
a superplex, but Rey blocks it and punches away on
Alberto.
Rey hits a nice sunset flip powerbomb that only
gets a two count.
He lands another big kick, but can’t get the
cover. Rey
nails a seated senton and bounces off the ropes, but Del
Rio catches him in a powerslam. Del Rio follows
that move up with another high-impact suplex and tries
another leaping kick, but Mysterio moves and climbs to
the top.
Mysterio hits a super-cool flying head scissors
that sends Del Rio flying into the position for the 619.
Rey takes off for the ropes, but is stopped by Del Rio’s
announcer.
Del Rio jumps Rey from behind, but Rey sends him
into his man on the apron. Rey nails the
619 and a splash off the top rope and gets the win.
Winner:
Rey Mysterio
Rating:
That match wasn’t that great technically, but
emotionally and psychologically it was really good…the
crowd was really into it.
This feud is one they can stick with it…but
they’ll probably scrap it so Del Rio can job to the
likes of Big Show.
Well, that’s the end of another show. Let’s hand out
some awards so I can begin my weekend.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The matches
tonight were better than those on the debut show, with a
really good main event taking top prize.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: It’s a three-way
tie between Hornswoggle, Vickie, and “Evil” Michael
Cole. If I
was forced to choose, I’d say Michael Cole by a (brown)
nose.
That’s all I have, folks.
I hope you all have a “great” weekend.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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