Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

"Great" Scott'sExtraordinarily GreatSmackDown Recapof Greatness


WWE SmackDown Recap for October 8, 2010

Hello, everyone!  “Great” Scott is back on the attack with yet another hysterically funny…well, okay, maybe a relatively humorous SmackDown recap.

The Great Outdoors PosterThis week’s recap is brought to you (unofficially, of course) by the extremely funny 1988 movie The Great Outdoors, starring Dan Aykroyd and John Candy.  This movie is really underrated and is still funny when I watch it today.  There are three pretty iconic scenes in this movie that you probably don’t even know are in this movie (involving a big steak, a big bear, and the recipe for hot dogs).  If you haven’t seen this movie, give Blockbuster a little business and go rent this movie…it’ll be worth it.

Before I continue, I’d like to do my weekly non-wrestling rant.  Now, I realize that we are a nation of fat, lazy people.  Hell, I’m pretty fat and lazy myself.  Our laziness has lead us to invent things that prevent us in partaking in pretty non-strenuous activities like getting up to change the channel on the television (the remote control), going out to get the mail (e-mail), and eating yogurt (GoGurt).  However, I never thought that we, as a nation, would become to use our cars’ turn signals.  I mean, damn it, it’s right where you keep your hand anyway!  But I’ll be damned if people can’t just move their hands an inch or two to hit the frickin’ thing.  And of the 10 percent of the populace that actually does use their turn signals, most of them do so WHEN THEY’RE TURNING!!  HEY IDIOTS, I CAN TELL BY THE FACT THAT YOUR FIVE-TON HUMMER IS MOVING TO THE LEFT THAT YOU ARE INDEED TURNING!!  You use your turn signal BEFORE you turn to signal that you’re GOING TO TURN.  If I can just convince one person to use their damned turn signal, I’ll consider this rant a rousing success.

Now, on to the show!

Things start off relatively well, as we’re told that the main event is a Del Rio/Mysterio rematch.  I am guardedly optimistic so far.

Next, we’re told that Paul Bearer turned on The Undertaker on Sunday.  Be still my beating heart.  Unfortunately, this means that this feud will continue.  Any optimism I had is now gone.

The show proper begins with Teddy Long introducing SmackDown’s newest acquisition, Edge.  I’m hoping that RAW gets two people in return: Hornswoggle and Vicki Guerrero.  Hell, you can also have the tag team champs.  That seems fair.

Anyway, I guess Edge is going to compete right away, as he heads to the ring for the first match of the night.

Edge vs. Jack Swagger (with the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle)

I wonder if that’s Hector Guerrero in that costume.  Gobbledygooker 2.0!

It’s good to see we’re getting a PPV match for free…it seems like that’s the M.O. for the WWE lately.  Anyway, Swagger starts off by taking Edge down a time or two using good old-fashioned college wrestling.  After that, Swagger humiliates Edge by doing pushups on Edges back and trotting around the ring.  Swagger goes to celebrate with his mascot, but Edge goes for a spear from behind…err, that didn’t come out right.  Swagger moves out of the way and Edges gores the Swagger Soarin’ Eagle.  ANIMAL CRUELTY!  Swagger is so upset by the turn of events that he needs a commercial break to recover.

Could switching to Geico save you 25 percent or more on your auto insurance?  Are these commercials making me want to stab my eyes out with spoons?  You betcha!

When we return, Jack Swagger is in the process of getting popped with a spinning heel kick.  While Swagger’s mascot is being stretchered out, Swagger regains control by racking Edge’s arm over the top rope.  He continues to work over Edge’s arm, but Edge eventually punches his way back into things.  He hits a clothesline-sorta’ move and then drapes Swagger over the second rope and hits a low cross body.  The match really picks up steam from here, and I miss a move or two, but manage to look up to see Edge DDT Swagger off the second rope.  Edge tries to follow up, but Swagger drops Edge with a belly-to-belly suplex.  Man, things are going way too fast for me to keep up.  Edge misses a spear, but Swagger can’t get the gutwrench powerbomb or the ankle lock to go.  After a second ankle lock attempt fails, Edge sends Swagger to the corner, takes off for the ropes, and hits a spear to win his first match back on SmackDown.

Winner: Edge


That was a very good match.  Edge looked a lot less lethargic than he has lately.  Both men put on a very good show.  The mascot getting carted out only added points.

You know, I would’ve thought Gone Fishin’ was going to be Danny Glover’s worst movie.  Boy, was I ever wrong.

And because the WWE doesn’t want to get me too excited about tonight’s show, we’re treated to a Cody Rhodes vignette.  This week’s topic: dental hygiene.  What do we learn? Cody uses an electric toothbrush. Matt Striker makes an appropriate Isaac Yankem joke.

We sink further into hell because the next match is…

Layla (with Michelle McCool) vs. Kelly Kelly (with Natalya)

Michael Cole talks about how good Michelle smells. She probably smells like whatever toothpaste was on the toothbrush she used to bring up her lunch.  Can’t get Mickie James fat!

Some crap not worth recapping happens to start, with Kelly botching even a simple shove.  After a minute or two, Layla kicks Kelly to the outside, where Michelle beats on her while Natalya intelligently distracts the ref.  Layla clips Kelly’s leg and works on it for a second or two until Kelly fights out and completely no sells the leg injury as she runs through her generic diva offense (lots of hair pulling).  Kelly goes for the handspring elbow THAT NEVER WORKS, and it doesn’t work, which allows Layla to hit her (crappy) version of the Rude Awakening to get the win. 

Winner: Layla


That match was no better than the other 1,000 matches Kelly’s had so far.  It’s pretty sad that we judge Kelly Kelly’s matches as a success when she doesn’t cripple someone.

After the match, Natalya’s chesticles check on Kelly Kelly.  I know she’s feuding with LayCool, but what was the point of even having her out there?

Oh goody, Big Show’s here…and he’s in SILLY MODE!!!  Big Show’s in a movie?  I hear that the people who green lit Big Show’s movie (coincidentally called Knucklehead) are trying to double the sales of Legendary…which means they’re shooting to sell 16 copies.  Big Show announces that he’s the team captain for the SmackDown team at Bragging Rights.  Why?  He’s like the eighth best guy on the show.  He also announces that Hornswoggle is the team’s mascot.  Shoot me now.  Hornswoggle is dressed like a female viking Smurf.  As if this skit hasn’t plunged far enough in the shitter, The Dudebusters come out to join the festivities.  Big Show doesn’t know who they are.  Come on, Show, they’re the guys who’ve lost 75 times over the last three months!  The Dudebusters threaten to join RAW’s team (captained by Miz, we learn), so Big Show chokeslams them.  He continues to act like an idiot while Michael Cole verbally strokes The Miz’s penis.

After that, we’re treated to yet another reminder of why Mysterio and Del Rio are fighting.  The guy in Memento didn’t need this many reminders.

Paper Jamz are air guitars for kids whose parents have too much disposable income.

Damn it to hell.  We’re going to round out the hour with…

Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval and Kofi Kingston

I’m not even going to make the obvious joke about what Kaval and Kofi Kingston’s tag team name could be. (Ain’t alliteration grand?)  I spent about five minutes trying to come up with a name for the Rhodes/McIntyre team…Caberdashing was the best I could do, but I think I’m asking a lot of the average WWE audience member to know what caber tossing and a haberdasher are.

Rhodes starts with Kingston and takes advantage of things early, quickly tagging to McIntyre.  Kingston fights back, but misses a corner splash.  Kingston fights back again, but McIntyre prevents a tag and brings Rhodes back in the ring.  Rhodes tries to prevent Kingston from tagging, but he fails.  Kaval comes enters and hits a bevy of cool moves, including a kick that probably knocked out a few of Rhodes’ perfect teeth.  Everything breaks down after this, as McIntyre breaks up Kaval’s crazy dragon sleeper, which brings in Kingston.  Both illegal men end up back outside the ring, but McIntyre manages to get back on the apron to distract Kaval long enough for Cody to stun him over the top rope and hit the CrossRhodes for the win.

Winners: Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre


That match was far too short, but had potential.  I think I’m being a little generous here, but I figure a half point is in order because Cody was legitimately bloodied during the match…most likely as a result of one of Kaval’s kicks.

Paul Bearer’s in the ring…and he’s announcing the man who destroyed The Undertaker…Vladimir Kozlov?!?  Oh, no, it’s Kane.  Oops…silly me.  I’m so glad that he turned on Undertaker, because there’s nothing more I wanted than for this feud to continue. 

Sooooo, Kane takes the microphone and yammers on, while the awesome special effects department puts a flame-like light graphic on the ring while the audio guy plays the soundtrack to the haunted house at Disneyland.  Trust me, fellas’ I don’t need flame lighting or scary music to remind me I’m in hell…Kane’s promos do that juuuuuust fine.  What’s funny, is during Kane’s crap promo, the crowd is chanting “Un-d er-tak-er,” like they’re at a college football game.

I know what this feud needs….bring back The Acolytes and Mideon.  Viscera would be great, too!  If you’re going to have a sucky main event feud, make is suck with STYLE!

Get Verizon, so they can help you miss out on life experiences while you’re Twitting, Tweeting, Twatting, and Facebooking about them!!

MVP vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero)

This is a match for the intercontinental championship.  At this point in the program, my patience with “Heel Michael Cole” is about wearing thin; add in Vickie, and I almost DON’T want to see this match.

MVP starts off by limbering up with some jumping jacks.  The two men lock up until MVP backs Ziggler to the corner.  MVP follows up by taking Ziggler down after an Irish whip and then kicking him in the back of the head.  MVP continues the offense with a suplex and a pin attempt.  Ziggler fightss back and drops his trademark big elbow.  After the elbow, Ziggler chokes MVP on the bottom rope and signals Vickie to help, but she sits there and sulks.  At least she’s keeping her blubbery mouth shut.  Now she’s leaving!!!  And with that, the match gets an extra point!  While Ziggler is watching Vickie ooze out of the arena, MVP takes advantage and jumps him.  Because everyone watching wants to celebrate the now Vickie-free match, we go to commercial! 

You know those are fake Africans on the Subway commercial because they’re wearing shoes.  African runners NEVER WEAR SHOES!!!  Gotcha’ Subway!

Upon our return to the match, Ziggler what looked to be half chicken wing rear naked choke sorta’ hold locked on MVP.  When MVP tries to escape, Ziggler hits a nice neck breaker.  He follows up with a fireman’s carry and a move that looks a lot like a camel clutch.  MVP works his way to his feet and lands a headbutt and a series of punches.  Ziggler ducks one of the punches and leaps into a sleeper.  MVP gets out and tries to regain control, but Ziggler has other ideas, as he hits a FameAsser that gets a pair of two counts.  Ziggler drops another Lex Luger leaping elbow, but still can’t get a three count.  Ziggler takes a play out of the Randy Orton playbook and clamps on a chinlock.  MVP escapes, but Ziggler pounds him back down.  Ziggler takes off for the ropes, but MVP hits his belly-to-belly “suplex” (more like a toss).  From here, MVP takes control, hitting his typical moves, while adding an exploder suplex, which is a nice change of pace.  MVP lifts a prone Ziggler, who hits a jawbreaker to stop MVP’s momentum.  Ziggler stomps at MVP, but runs into a boot.  MVP goes for a suplex, but Ziggler escapes and locks on sleeper, from which MVP escapes.  Kaitlyn is out now, which adds a half point to the score.  She is beautiful.  MVP goes for the ballin’ elbow, but Kaitlyn grabs MVP’s leg.  This distracts him long enough for Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for the win.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler


This match was just about average, but after the points are tallied, I’ll give it four “Gs.”

Next, the WWE shows me another non-mockable video package dedicated to our troops.  Of course, they follow this with Alberto Del Rio kissing a Chihuahua…

After the commercial break, it’s time for the RAW Rebound.  On this week’s episode, “Pensive” John Cena took up about 40 percent of the show “considering” things.  I watched on and off, and most of what I saw was Cena thinking things over…ugh.  I like the idea of Cena having to follow Barrett’s orders at the risk of being fired, but you could’ve added two matches in the time Cena spent looked concerned and conflicted.  I also loved the shots of the little kids who looked betrayed by Cena…just wait two weeks until Vince and the “creative” team get sick of this angle.  Things’ll be fine, kiddies!

In the back, Josh Matthews is with Alberto Del Rio.  Del Rio does half of the interview in Spanish, but that doesn’t stop him from being awesome.  I’ll even forgive him for calling Rey “dog trash,” which doesn’t make sense in any language.

The Burger King breakfast bowl commercial with the flute player could be the worst commercial I’ve ever seen.

Now, on to the main event!

Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio

Man, these introductions are taking forever…and, man is that kid at the base of the ring steps corpulent.  I know I could’ve said “fat” there, but how often do you get to use the word “corpulent?”

Anyway, Del Rio takes the early advantage with some cheap shots, but Mysterio fights back quickly.  The two men botch a move, but the pace picks back up as Del Rio goes flying to the outside after trying to leap onto Rey.  Rey tries for a seated senton, but Del Rio moves, only to get dropped, face first, into the ring steps.  Rey follows this up by dropkicking Del Rio’s arm into the ring steps.  As if that wasn’t impressive enough, Rey heads to the top rope and hits a hiiiiiiiiigh cross body on Del Rio on the outside.  That move was so super-cool that we need a commercial break!

Bobbleheads don’t like tire puns.

After the break, Mysterio goes for an early 619, but Del Rio rolls out of the ring.  As Del Rio turns around, Mysterio baseball slide kicks him right back down.  Del Rio begs off, but that doesn’t stop Rey.

Back in the ring, Mysterio continues to kick the piss out of Del Rio, followed by another baseball slide kick in the corner.  Del Rio looks like he’s had a lobotomy.  Rey goes to the top rope, but Del Rio leaps to the turnbuckle and cleans Rey’s clock with a sweeeeeet kick to the back of his head, sending Mysterio tumbling to the outside.

Del Rio rolls Rey back in and immediately targets his arm.  Del Rio drops knees to Rey’s shoulder, flings him shoulder first to the turnbuckle, and clamps on an armbar, but Rey fights back.  Mysterio hits Del Rio with a boot on two consecutive corner charges and then heads to the top rope again, but Del Rio stops him.  Del Rio goes for a superplex, but Rey blocks it and punches away on Alberto.  Rey hits a nice sunset flip powerbomb that only gets a two count.  He lands another big kick, but can’t get the cover.  Rey nails a seated senton and bounces off the ropes, but Del Rio catches him in a powerslam.  Del Rio follows that move up with another high-impact suplex and tries another leaping kick, but Mysterio moves and climbs to the top.  Mysterio hits a super-cool flying head scissors that sends Del Rio flying into the position for the 619.  Rey takes off for the ropes, but is stopped by Del Rio’s announcer.  Del Rio jumps Rey from behind, but Rey sends him into his man on the apron.  Rey nails the 619 and a splash off the top rope and gets the win.

Winner: Rey Mysterio


That match wasn’t that great technically, but emotionally and psychologically it was really good…the crowd was really into it.  This feud is one they can stick with it…but they’ll probably scrap it so Del Rio can job to the likes of Big Show.

Well, that’s the end of another show.  Let’s hand out some awards so I can begin my weekend.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  The matches tonight were better than those on the debut show, with a really good main event taking top prize.

The Not So Great Thing of the Night:  It’s a three-way tie between Hornswoggle, Vickie, and “Evil” Michael Cole.  If I was forced to choose, I’d say Michael Cole by a (brown) nose.

That’s all I have, folks.  I hope you all have a “great” weekend.



Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).