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"Great" Scott'sExtraordinarily GreatSmackDown Recapof Greatness

 

WWE SmackDown Recap for

October 1, 2010

What’s up, folks?  “Great” Scott, here, the NUMBER ONE SMACKDOWN RECAPPER NAMED “GREAT” SCOTT ON GOOGLE!!!  Hell to the yeah, beeyotches!!  Cast your peepers on this awesome screen cap!

Impressed?  No?  Damn it.

Nevertheless, I’m here to bring you yet another fantastic SmackDown recap.  This one, however, is a little different, because starting this week, we’ll be coming to you from the home of awesome original movies like SuperMeglaCarnosaur and Attack of the Killer Arachnascorpions…the SyFy network.

This new home for SmackDown brings me to this week’s rant…television networks.  MTV hasn’t focused on music in years; TBS, the network that’s, “very funny” airs Titanic and Braves baseball; The History Channel shows Ice Road Truckers and Pawn Stars; and the American Movie Channel (AMC) created Breaking Bad.  What’s the frickin’ point of naming your stations if you’re not going to show those types of programs!?!?  I’m not going to open “Great” Scott’s Burger Bistro and serve Italian food!  Seriously, if you’re going to go off your topic, just go back to generic call letters: ABC, CBS, etc.

Now that I’ve ranted a bit, I’d like to thank this week’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week.  This week’s show is sponsored by (unbeknownst to them) Great Wraps.  I have one of these places near my place of employment.  Their turkey and cheddar wrap is quite good.  Unlike most of my other sponsors, I can personally recommend this place!

The show starts off quick because we’re going right to the ring and…

Dolph Ziggler (with dog collar AND dog) vs. MVP

Oh goody, we go from Ziggler vs. Kingston fifty times to Ziggler vs. MVP fifty times.  I think I liked the first pairing better.  Let’s see if this match is any better than the first one last week.  Oh, the already up the ante by making this match for the IC belt.  This is so epic, that we need to go to commercials to consider exactly how epic it is!!

Actually, all we’re going to is the new intro…that was weird.

Funny sign in the crowd says, “I came to SmackDown to AVOID Cena,” which blows for that guy because he’s going to be on the show.  Sucks for you, chief.

Match starts with a lot of rolling around.  Ziggler takes control with a cheap shot and a fireman’s carry takedown.  He follows this up with a series of elbow drops.  Ziggler goes for the sleeper early, but MVP escapes and hits a pair of horrible German suplexes.  After that, he kicks a seated Ziggler and picks him up to go for his overhead throw. Then, because the WWE can’t just give me a good match, the Nexus guys come out (or at least all the “henchmen” Nexus members) and beat up Dolph Ziggler.  They surround the ring, and MVP, genius that he is, challenges them all.  You can figure out how that turns out. 

It’s awesome to note that Cena NEVER comes out to help anyone…some superhero good guy he is.  After Otunga and Gabriel hit their finishers on MVP, Big Show proves that he’s not a pussy like Cena and comes out to take on the invaders.  He manages a few shots before the four Nexus members kick him out of the ring.  Now that three guys have been beaten up, Cena decides it’s time for him to get his starring-in-crappy-right-to-Wal-Mart-DVDs ass to the ring.  Nexus beats him up, too, but Big Show brings a chair into the ring and scares off the bad guys.  Am I the only who’s noticed that Michael Tarver doesn’t do shit during any run-in or match in which he’s involved?  After the festivities are over, Wade Barrett gets on the TitanTron and talks a lot.  He does finally fumble over word…the first time I’ve heard him do so.  He says he’s friends with the president of the SyFy network.  Barrett makes two matches: Big Show vs. Nexus and Cena vs. Kane…both headline affairs…or not. 

Oh yeah, there was match before all that mess…

Winner: No contest (Technically, Ziggler got attacked first…so he should win by DQ.)

Rating: G

I’ll give these two a half “G” for showing up, but even in the two minutes they were in the ring, MVP managed to make a move look crappy.  He wrestled Benoit a dozen or so times and he can’t even do a simple German Suplex?  I guess he forgot Benoit just like the WWE did.

Iron Man 2 is coming out on DVD.  Watch it just to hear Mickey Rourke’s awesome Russian accent.  “I want my BOURD!!!”  “I WANT MY BOURD!!”

Wow, Todd Grisham does not look happy to be sitting next to Matt Striker.

Since just one match we’ve already seen isn’t enough, we’re getting The Undertaker vs. CM Punk again, too!  Fun!

Speaking of fun, the Divas are up next!

LayCool, Maryse, and Alicia Fox vs. Natalya, Kelly Kelly, and the Bella Twins

I feel bad for Nattie Neidhart, who arrived to the WWE a few years too late.  The “talent” in this ring (and the Divas division) is terrible.  Nattie hits a double underhook suplex, a vertical suplex, and a sitdown slam on Maryse.  She locks on the Sharpshooter for two seconds before Michelle McCool kicks her in the head.  Everyone comes in, as apparently the rules no longer apply.  At some point, Hornsowggle makes an appearance and chases Layla around the ring until Michelle McCool ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING AWESOME and boots Hornswoggle in the face.  Nattie turns her attention to LayCool, which allows Maryse to go for the French Kiss.  Nattie escapes and clamps on the Sharpshooter.  Maryse taps.

Winners:  The face divas

Rating:  G

Nattie did more moves in that match than Randy Orton does in any five matches.  I will say that they could’ve saved some money and left Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox out of that one for all the good they did.

These commercials suck, so I’d like to raise my glass and say, “rest in peace,” to Mike (Bastion Booger) Shaw and Jorge (Giant) Gonzalez.  Both of them made me laugh more than once.  While neither of them was Bret Hart in the ring, they were both entertaining, in one way or another.  I hope you two are competing in that big gimmick battle royal in the sky.

Wow, the NXT divas edition is so awesome that it’s moving to WWE.com.  I can’t believe that a show centered around brainless women doing stupid things isn’t successful; America’s Next Top model was on for like 15 years.  Perhaps the WWE should have Tyra Banks host instead of Matt Striker.

When we return from more commercials, we learn that Jack Swagger has returned to Oklahoma.  Michael Cole is in his full-bore heel announcer mode here, which is stupid considering he’s a tool and a face for 80 percent of the broadcast.  For some reason, he only heels it up for some of the matches.  He blows.

Anyway, Swagger, along with his eagle mascot, goes on to insult the Oklahoma crowd. While I’m typing and trying to figure out just the right way to call this a moronic waste of my time, I guess Swagger says he’s moving to Texas or something, which drives the crowd into a booing frenzy.  Apparently, Oklahoma is playing Texas in college football this weekend.  After some more lisping, Swagger declares himself King of Oklahoma…is that better or worse than the Prince of Persia?

After Swagger’s “coronation,” Edge comes out…is he a face now?  I thought he was just a heel.  After insulting Swagger, Edge punches the eagle mascot right in the pecker…GET IT?!?  HIS BEAK!!!  PUN…HUZZAH!  To punctuate the segment, Edge spears the eagle.  At least the eagle didn’t turn on Swagger.

This is one hell of a debut on the SyFy network…way to bring out the big guns and the high-quality matches.

Nexus is in the back…and they’re SCHEMING!!  They huddle up and we go to commercial.

The WWE has a movie out?  John Cena’s in it?  Huh…I hadn’t heard.

Not many people know this, but The Event is actually about the javelin throw.  Because it’s an Olympic…never mind.

In the Wii Carnival Games game, are the events rigged like most carnivals?  And is each game hosted by some former child molester weirdo carnie?

If you have a ferret in your hair, you need more than Axe’s frickin’ shampoo, buddy.

Sweet Jesus Christ, are they still doing these stupid Cody Rhodes vignettes?  This week, Cody’s helping us avoid sweaty armpits.  The more I look at this guy, the more I realize he looks like a transvestite.

Nexus vs. Big Show

Well, Big Show beat the three members of the SES, so this shouldn’t be much harder, especially since we know that Tarver probably won’t fight.

So, this is actually five guys at once.  Everything is a cluster until the Nexus does one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in a match…they each take a body part (head, legs, and arms) and clamp on a hold.  It’s actually pretty awesome.  Big Show eventually passes out.  Nexus caps off the attack when Wade Barrett has Justin Gabriel perform not one, but two 450 splashes.  That’s 900 degrees’ worth of splashes!!  Gabriel actually botches the second one; he doesn’t look too pleased afterward.

Winners: Nexus

Rating:   G

Really, that wasn’t much of a match, but the five-way submission hold was pretty cool.

We’re reminded that Rey is returning before we go to commercials.

They’re not making Shards O’ Glass anymore?!?  That sucks as much as when they took Jarts off the market!

When we return, we’re treated to a recap of the Kane/Undertaker feud, which is really trying my patience.   Do they consider it a success that the part of this feud I’m most interested in is the return of Paul Bearer?  I could care less about the two wrestlers.

CM Punk (with no chance of winning) vs. The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer)

The burial (literal and figurative in this case) of Punk continues, as The Undertaker has gone slightly old school with his semi-Goth robe.  He should’ve gone full old school and worn the black trench coat and spooky hat.

Punk manages a quick flurry of punches and knee strikes, but Undertaker shrugs them off and tosses Punk out of the ring.  `Taker then proceeds to beat the holy hell out of Punk.  As always, he hits his leg drop on the apron and his tightrope walk shoulder punch thing.  VINTAGE UNDERTAKER!

Undertaker tries to hit a boot in the corner, but Punk moves and delays the inevitable for a few minutes by beating up `Taker in the corner.  He follows with the Pepsi One and a bulldog, but Undertaker no sells it.  VINTAGE UNDERTAKER!  He levels Punk with some clotheslines, hits snake eyes, and lands a leg drop before signaling for the chokeslam, which he hits…as if there was any doubt.  Even Paul Bearer looks bored.  `Taker finishes Punk off with the Tombstone Piledriver.  VINTAGE….ahhhh, screw it.

Winner: The Undertaker

Rating:  G

That match was average, but I’m taking off half a star because it was essentially a rerun of last week, and another half star off because this was nothing more than a squash match.

Hopefully, things will pick up a little, because Rey Mysterio is returning next.

Chris Jericho has a DVD set coming out.  I will bet anyone $5,000 dollars that this sells 10 times more than that crappy Cena movie.

Ice Road Truckers is on the History Channel?  Can someone explain that to me?

Upon our return, we see a replay of Alberto Del Rio injuring Rey Mysterio.  The timing is perfect, because Alberto Del Rio is out next!  Del Rio’s announcer guy looks like a Monchichi.  If you’re younger than 30, you might not even know what I’m talking about.  You can probably find it pretty easy on that Wikipedia thing I’ve been hearing so much about.

This is probably the best thing about this debut show so far, even if the bar hasn’t exactly been set too high yet.  Del Rio starts things off by mocking the crowd and Rey Mysterio.  Next, Del Rio introduces the return of…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Del Rio’s announcer comes out with a Chihuahua with a little Rey Mysterio mask and a little arm bandage on its paw.  AWESOME!  He apologizes to the dog and gives it a kiss right before the real (but only slightly taller) Rey Mysterio comes to the ring.  He jumps Del Rio, who ends up in the position for the 619, but Del Rio’s announcer/servant guy makes the save.  Unfortunately for him, Del Rio bails and Rey beats the bejeebers out of him, finishing things off with the 619.  Del Rio fumes on the entrance ramp as Mysterio stands over the beaten announcer guy.  At least the Chihuahua was okay.

Ahhhh…shit.  One of the reasons I like SmackDown is that this cocksmack isn’t on the show.  I guess I have to recap…

Randy Orton (with limited move set) vs. Cody Rhodes (with Drew McIntyre, with limited move set)

Seriously?  This is unbelievable.  It’s like the WWE is trying to get back at me for something.  I think I’m one of the more even-keeled recappers.  I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt…but these two?  Damn it, man.

The match starts off with Orton dismantling Rhodes.  Rhodes escapes from the through-the-ropes DDT, only to get powerslammed by Orton.  Rhodes rolls outside, where McIntyre distracts Orton long enough for Rhodes to take the advantage.

Back in the ring, Rhodes locks on a half nelson/chinlock hold.  Orton escapes, ducks Rhodes’ jumping kick, hits the 3.0 (Where else are you going to get an “Above Average” Mike Sanders reference?) and hits the RKO to end my misery.

Winner: Randy Orton

Rating:  

That match truly sucked.  And because we need more proof that Orton is unbeatable, McIntyre jumps him, only to get (badly) RKO’d.  Sheamus runs in after the match, and actually hits his big boot.  Enjoy it while you can, Whitey McMelaninDeficient…`cause you’re going get eviscerated at the PPV.

Use Just for Men, because guys with gray hair get fired while guys with non-gray hair get to keep their jobs…just ask Conan O’Brien!  Oh, wait…

When we return, we’re treated to a Make-a-Wish video package. (Was that Randy Savage in there?!?)  I’m not even going to be evil enough to goof on it, though.  I’m just going to say, “Good for WWE.”  They might do some dumb stuff and their programming might be less than stellar 95 percent of the time, but it’s a good thing they do for those kids.  So, kudos to them. Good work, WWE.

Kane vs. John Cena (Lumberjack Match)

Kane starts things off by backing Cena into a corner and stomping him flat.  When Cena gets up, Kane punches him and then sets him up for the low dropkick.  Kane props up Cena in the other corner and beats on him some more.  After an Irish whip and a punt kick, Kane goes for a cover.  Cena fights out of an arm bar, but Kane tosses him to the outside, where Nexus beats on him.  Nexus tosses Cena back in the ring, and we go to commercial.

When we return from the break, Kane has a rear naked choke locked on.  Cena gets to his feet, and gets three punches off before Kane pops him with an uppercut.  Kane tries for his flying clothesline, but Cena ducks.  The Doctor of Thuganomics hits a pair of clotheslines, the protobomb, and the Five-Knuckle Shuffle.  He tries to finish Kane off with the Attitude Adjustment, but he escapes.  After this, all hell breaks loose.  Nexus decides not to beat up Kane, but to focus on Cena, who manages to fend them off and haul ass.  While Cena is escaping, the bell tolls and The Undertaker appears in the ring.  He proceeds to dismantle Kane, while Nexus appears to have spontaneously combusted; they’re nowhere in sight.

The two semi-mobile hosses head into the crowd, with The Undertaker getting in most of the offense, while lots of morbidly obese people look on (one with an awesome Mr. T shirt on).  For as “evil” as these two guys are supposed to be, a lot of people are laughing, giggling, and smiling during this brawl.  After what feels like an eternity, the fight returns to the ring, where `Taker chokeslams Kane.  Kane, ever the sensible hell spawn, decides to run away before he can get hit with The Tombstone.  Both men make wacky faces as the show goes to black.

Wow, that was pretty much a horrible show.  Giving out awards are going to extraordinarily difficult.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  Alberto Del Rio brings out a Chihuahua with a Rey Mysterio mask!

The Not So Great Thing of the Night:  Pretty much everything else.  I don’t think any match was longer than about four or five minutes, and most weren’t even half that long.

Well, way to start things off on the right foot on the SyFy channel, WWE.  If this keeps up, they’ll give this spot to reruns of Giant Mutated Zebras from Saturn.

I hope you folks have yet another “great” week.  I’ll see you back here next Friday!

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).