Howdy, and WOW
what a crazy week it's been! The very foundations of
sports entertainment have been shaken! Things will
NEVER BE THE oh fuck it, who am I kidding, nothing's
happened. Boring week. They've outdone themselves
again - RAW sucked monkey shit, the worst episode I
can ever remember seeing. The fucking highlight of
the past week's programming was Christian vs Zack
Ryder on ECW. Yeah.
We open with a recap of
Teddy Long's crap from last week with Undertaker. We
get almost the whole scene in the limo, with added
sound effects. Just retarded.
To open the
show, here is CM Punk, to rather a lot of boos.
Kicking right off with his usual rant about
substance abuse (getting a little old now to be
honest). He says the reason he's bringing it up
again is that we've forgotten his accomplishments.
So he goes over them again. The heat on Punk is
quite astounding, actually. He says his crowning
achievement was making Taker tap out, and the boos
rain down. He asks someone in a position of power to
come out and tell him who his next opponent is now
he's beaten Taker. "That's right! There isn't
anybody left!" But then - aaaAAAAaaaaAAAaaaaa -
bathed in blue light, it's Taker's little army of
monks, wheeling a casket to ringside. Zoinks! The
casket sits ominously at ringside as Punk grabs a
chair, standing over it and waiting for Taker to pop
out. He starts hitting the casket with the chair,
growing a little frustrated. He then gingerly opens
it up - to reveal a gagged, bound Teddy Long. Punk
goads Teddy as he wriggles around in the casket, but
eventually frees him. Teddy grabs the mic and says
'effective immediately, there is no longer a ban on
Undertaker's Hell's Gate finisher'. Teddy then
informs Punk with a wavering voice that Punk is
facing Taker for the belt at Hell In A Cell, in a
Hell In A Cell match, natch. But - he's also gotta
face Taker right here tonight! Teddy staggers back
up the ramp as I notice his suit has been ripped.
Pretty funny. We are reminded that Big Show is
facing Batista later - these two faced each other on
ECW about three years ago and it was one of the
worst matches I have ever seen in my life. WILL THEY
TOP IT?! ADVERTISING!
BACK! Wrestling! Aw
yeah. I wish JoMo would actually WEAR the IC title
rather than dragging it around like a dead cat. He's
teaming Finlay ("don't let the music fool you" says
Tard) to face precisely who you'd expect.
Intercontinental Champion John Morrison & Finlay
vs Mike Knox & Dolph Ziggler
theme tune is awesome. Ziggler's from 'Hollywood,
Florida'. Is that a real place? Anyway, Finlay and
Ziggler kick it off, but Ziggler escapes pretty
quickly and Knox boots Finlay in the back of the
head. Ziggler and Knox exchange quick tags for a few
minutes, pounding on Finlay in a convincing manner.
A headlock by Ziggler on Finlay signals ADVERTISING.
BACK and Finlay's still in a headlock, this time
from Knox, but those magical end-of-the-commercial
vibes facilitate Finlay's escape via a jawbreaker,
but Knox just whirls round and floors Finlay with a
strong clothesline. Ziggler tags in and is all over
Finlay again, preventing him from tagging Morrison.
More quick-tags between Knox and Ziggler. Headlocks.
This pattern continues for a good five minutes until
Ziggler misses a corner charge and headbutts the
post. Ziggler staggers into Knox for the tag and
Finlay finally managest to tag in Morrison. Morrison
hits a few strikes before going up for a top-rope
hurricanrana, a leg lariat, standing SSP (for two),
then gets taken down by a big boot. Chuck kick gets
two but Ziggler breaks up the cover. Knox goes for a
crossbody but Morrison ducks and Ziggler gets
flattened. Knox lifts Morrison into the corner, but
as the referee tends to Ziggler, Finlay nails Knox
with the shillelagh before Morrison hits
a near-perfect Starship Pain for the win. Kinda
formulaic, but enjoyable nevertheless. Finlay looked
like a bit of a bitch.
Morrison & Finlay
NOOO! CrymeTyme, Eve, "Slam
Master J"... They send Jesse to graffiti Teddy
Long's office. Jesse does it and also steals some
DVDs. CrymeTyme flee, and Teddy collars J and puts
him in a match against a mystery opponent, probably
Kane. Fucksticks. ADVERTISING.
BACK and J is
out now for his no-doubt-classic match against....
Slam Master J vs Kane
you'd expect to happen, happens. Fuck this.
Vince is wandering around backstage and Punk collars
him to complain about Hell's Gate being un-banned.
Vince just says 'good luck tonight, champ'. Yes, ten
years of SmackDown celebration is next week, blah
blah blah and Vince is out to make a 'big
announcement'. He's heeling it up, making fun of
Oklahoma. But he's really here to tell us about next
week's super special celebration show. To help us
celebrate ten years of SmackDown, we're gonna have
DX (who have never been on SmackDown together) and
John Cena (who has been on Raw since 2005). Yaaay.
Vince then brings out a special guest... Vince
'personally signed' him, he's a future World
Heavyweight Champion, and is simply 'bad ass'...
PLEASE BE BILLY GUNN! PLEASE! Oh. It's Drew
McIntyre. Hmm. Interesting. McIntyre comes out in a
suit, and shakes hands with Vince in the ring.
McIntyre puts himself over and is almost drowned out
by a "USA!" chant. Later on, apparently, there'll be
a big party in his honour. He says the party has
just begun... wait, didn't he say the party was OVER
a couple of weeks back when he first jumped R-Truth?
Is this the same party to which he is referring? Ah!
Here comes Truth now, perhaps he can help. Truth
comes out through the crowd - to a big pop -
performing his entrance, as Drew removes his jacket
and pushes his shirt sleeves up. Truth is wearing a
pretty cool-looking camouflage vest which looks a
bit like a bulletproof one. He offers to welcome
McIntyre to SmackDown, then of course just jumps
McIntyre, and they're separated by referees.
McIntyre retreats, looking furious. ADVERTISING.
BACK and good god, I am dreading this Batista/Show
match. There is literally no logical possibility
that this will be anything other than dog shit. Deep
Big Show w/ Chris Jericho vs Batista
simpleton at ringside has a sign that says BATISTA
IS THE BEST OF ALL TIME. Batista sees it, and stares
in disbelief for a couple of seconds. Seriously, is
there anybody with an IQ above 50 who thinks DAVE
fucking BATISTA is the BEST OF ALL TIME?! Fuck!
Anyway, yeah, we're underway, with some
collar-and-elbow tie-up action, a few punches, and
Batista basically getting owned. DAVE goes for a
shoulderblock but gets impressively swatted away.
Show lands a chop which "would either stop a heart,
or start one, I'm not sure" according to Dr. JR.
Another big chop. Jericho is screaming at ringside
"DID YOU HEAR THAT! IT BROKE HIM IN TWO!" Teest
fights back momentarily before being shoved to the
ground and stepped on. The match crawls on like this
for several minutes until DAVE ducks a big boot,
leaving Show crotched on the ropes like an idiot.
Teest shoves him to the outside as we go to merciful
BACK, god damn it, and surprise
surprise, DAVE is in a headlock. During the break
Jericho went to interfere, causing Batista to get
hit by Show's "spear". Teest fights his way out of
the headlock and comes off the ropes straight into a
bearhug. Jericho tries desperately to keep things
interesting by screaming at JR "WHO'S THE ANIMAL?!
BIG SHOW IS THE ANIMAL! TELL 'EM BIG SHOW IS THE
ANIMAL!". "Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Jericho would
like to relay at this time that the Big Show is the
animal." DAVE is still in the bearhug. This is
terrible. Legdrop from Show gets two. Batista is
then put in a waistlock for about two days. He
fights out but Show launches him into the corner and
Batista runs right into a bodyslam. Show goes up for
a Vader bomb which misses (surprise) and Batista
mounts a crappy comeback, hitting a spear. He then
puts Show into position for the Batista Bomb. Yeah
right. He simply can't lift Show, who goes for a
chokeslam which is blocked. DAVE then takes Show
down with a chop block - and an ankle lock. Show
screams very loudly and looks to be about to tap.
Jericho leaps into the ring, straight into a
spinebuster, causing the DQ. Teest then puts the
ankle lock on Jericho, who starts "tapping like an
inebriated man" according to JR. Show and Jericho
both roll around with sore ankles. Lame, but
could've been much worse I guess.
Winner by DQ:
Another recap of Teddy's low-budget
limo nightmare and a reminder that Punk/Taker is our
main event, and we go TO THE BACK with Teddy Long
and Vince. Vince demands an explanation for Long's
ragged appearance. Teddy's "been to hell and back",
so I guess he looks pretty damn good if that's true.
He also wants his picture on the wall of Teddy's
office again. Apparently it's not finished. What the
hell is this. Long brings out a portrait of Vince -
which is covered in Slam Master J's graffiti from
about that! Sigh. ADVERTISING.
BACK and CrymeTyme are out. If they're facing the
Hart Dynasty I might start crying. Not that any of
the guys involved are bad, but... give the Harts a
mic, damn it! Yup, Harts. Ah, it's a singles match.
JTG w/ Shad Gaspard & Eve Torres vs David Hart
Smith w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya
with Smith walking into a picture-perfect dropkick
and then JTG's second-rope corner facebuster thing,
for a quick two. Smith turns it around quickly with
some elementary hossing, a clothesline and some
kicks. Beautiful powerslam from Smith gets two.
Fireman's carry into a front slam, then a stretch.
JTG fights out of this quickly and soon things are
going JTG's way with a somersault shoulderblock, a
clothesline and a somersault bulldog. Second rope
legdrop gets two, as Natalya puts Smith's foot on
the rope. Eve attacks Natalya who escapes into the
ring, distracting the ref, Shad tries to restrain
Eve outside and Kidd hits a sneaky boot to JTG's
head. Big German suplex from Smith gets... three.
Man, talk about anticlimactic.
That was going pretty well, then just sorta stopped.
Anyway, we get a recap of Batista's vicious ankle
lock antics and Josh Matthews tells us that he'll be
talking to Batista following the ADVERTISING.
BACK and can you believe it's ten years since the
first SmackDown?! Yes, I can, now shut up about it.
Here's DAVE to talk to Josh. Apparently he's going
to challenge Jericho and Big Show at Hell In A Cell
for the titles... with Rey Mysterio as his partner.
Ummm, okay. It gives him something to do I guess. I
don't like thrown-together tag teams at all, for the
record. Main event time! Uhh, well Punk comes out
and then we get some more ADVERTISING.
World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs The
Taker's out in his smock
again, no hat. I hope he's done his hair properly
this week, I can't tell in this blue light. Ah, yes.
Taker is not ginger this week. His hair looks
mega-greasy though. Slimy, almost, as if he washed
it in tar. Why am I talking about hair. Yes, we're
underway, and Punk manages to get a momentary
advantage, kicking the hell out of Taker in the
corner. Taker then simply throws Punk over the top
as we go to ADVERTISING AGAIN. ARGH.
jesus god that was the ninth ad break. Anyway,
Taker's in a headlock, as is now customary for ad
break returns, but he breaks free and floors Punk
with a shoulderblock before throwing him over and
out. Taker pursues Punk outside and as Punk
re-enters the ring, Taker grabs him and hits all his
apron-centric offense (choke drop, punches,
legdrop). Both men are outside again, then inside
again. Taker takes over with some kicks and a
wristlock, teasing Old School, which Punk escapes
with some stiff punches and a kick. Punk goes for a
superplex but Taker stops that shit hilariously with
a super-fast series of punches like fucking Popeye
(even going 'boom! boomboomboomboomboom!' as he did
it). That was funny. Punk gets up and hits some
shots of his own. Taker has been sat on the top for
a long time now. Punk finally hits the superplex,
which gets two. Two knees to the back, a kick and a
legdrop gets two. Punk slaps on a figure four
headlock. Taker escapes by going for a chokeslam of
course, but Punk cuts Taker right back down with a
few kicks. Punch/kick exchange from here, which
Taker wins. Taker hits a corner charge, snake eyes,
a big boot and a legdrop for two. Taker signals the
chokeslam as Punk gets up. Punk stops that shit with
a nice kick to Taker's temple. Punk goes over for
the cover but Taker snares him in Hell's Gate - but
Punk's right on the ropes. Punk slips outside and
goes for his belt, but Taker follows him. Taker
throws the belt into the ring and removes the top of
the announcer's table. Punk slips out of the Last
Ride and escapes into the ring - and Taker gets
countout: CM Punk
Hmm, that was okay I guess.
Punk holds the belt aloft and Taker looks sullen in
the ring, and that's that.
YES: The main event was actually decent.
The booking made sense and it was a solid match. The
tag match was pretty good too. And NO DIVAS THIS
WEEK! Hell yeah.
NO: Not enough wrestling. A hell of a lot of
filler, recaps - and NINE ad breaks (surely that's
illegal) made the show rather choppy and hard to get
into. JTG/Smith was just getting interesting when it
fizzled away. Slam Master J, and everything related
to him, was pointless. His match with Kane was a
squash, at least. Batista vs Big Show wasn't as bad
as their last encounter, but fuck me was it slow as
WHAT?: Why did Vince 'personally sign'
Drew McIntyre? Also, JR's "tapping like an
inebriated man" and "that would either stop a heart
or start one, I'm not sure" are notable soundbites.
Batista clocking that sign was funny too.
There was a pretty good show in here somewhere but
it was hamstrung by all the fucking ad breaks and
vid packages. Next week, for all you goldfish, is
SmackDown's tenth anniversary show, a three-hour
slog featuring DX and Cena, amongst others (Vickie
Guerrero and JBL are rumoured) so remind me to pick
up some booze. I'm Ian Sparke, and I really have no
idea who Al Sharpton is.