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Howdy, and WOW what a crazy week it's been! The very foundations of sports entertainment have been shaken! Things will NEVER BE THE oh fuck it, who am I kidding, nothing's happened. Boring week. They've outdone themselves again - RAW sucked monkey shit, the worst episode I can ever remember seeing. The fucking highlight of the past week's programming was Christian vs Zack Ryder on ECW. Yeah.

We open with a recap of Teddy Long's crap from last week with Undertaker. We get almost the whole scene in the limo, with added sound effects. Just retarded.

To open the show, here is CM Punk, to rather a lot of boos. Kicking right off with his usual rant about substance abuse (getting a little old now to be honest). He says the reason he's bringing it up again is that we've forgotten his accomplishments. So he goes over them again. The heat on Punk is quite astounding, actually. He says his crowning achievement was making Taker tap out, and the boos rain down. He asks someone in a position of power to come out and tell him who his next opponent is now he's beaten Taker. "That's right! There isn't anybody left!" But then - aaaAAAAaaaaAAAaaaaa - bathed in blue light, it's Taker's little army of monks, wheeling a casket to ringside. Zoinks! The casket sits ominously at ringside as Punk grabs a chair, standing over it and waiting for Taker to pop out. He starts hitting the casket with the chair, growing a little frustrated. He then gingerly opens it up - to reveal a gagged, bound Teddy Long. Punk goads Teddy as he wriggles around in the casket, but eventually frees him. Teddy grabs the mic and says 'effective immediately, there is no longer a ban on Undertaker's Hell's Gate finisher'. Teddy then informs Punk with a wavering voice that Punk is facing Taker for the belt at Hell In A Cell, in a Hell In A Cell match, natch. But - he's also gotta face Taker right here tonight! Teddy staggers back up the ramp as I notice his suit has been ripped. Pretty funny. We are reminded that Big Show is facing Batista later - these two faced each other on ECW about three years ago and it was one of the worst matches I have ever seen in my life. WILL THEY TOP IT?! ADVERTISING!

BACK! Wrestling! Aw yeah. I wish JoMo would actually WEAR the IC title rather than dragging it around like a dead cat. He's teaming Finlay ("don't let the music fool you" says Tard) to face precisely who you'd expect.

Intercontinental Champion John Morrison & Finlay vs Mike Knox & Dolph Ziggler

Knox's theme tune is awesome. Ziggler's from 'Hollywood, Florida'. Is that a real place? Anyway, Finlay and Ziggler kick it off, but Ziggler escapes pretty quickly and Knox boots Finlay in the back of the head. Ziggler and Knox exchange quick tags for a few minutes, pounding on Finlay in a convincing manner. A headlock by Ziggler on Finlay signals ADVERTISING.

BACK and Finlay's still in a headlock, this time from Knox, but those magical end-of-the-commercial vibes facilitate Finlay's escape via a jawbreaker, but Knox just whirls round and floors Finlay with a strong clothesline. Ziggler tags in and is all over Finlay again, preventing him from tagging Morrison. More quick-tags between Knox and Ziggler. Headlocks. This pattern continues for a good five minutes until Ziggler misses a corner charge and headbutts the post. Ziggler staggers into Knox for the tag and Finlay finally managest to tag in Morrison. Morrison hits a few strikes before going up for a top-rope hurricanrana, a leg lariat, standing SSP (for two), then gets taken down by a big boot. Chuck kick gets two but Ziggler breaks up the cover. Knox goes for a crossbody but Morrison ducks and Ziggler gets flattened. Knox lifts Morrison into the corner, but as the referee tends to Ziggler, Finlay nails Knox with the shillelagh before Morrison hits a near-perfect Starship Pain for the win. Kinda formulaic, but enjoyable nevertheless. Finlay looked like a bit of a bitch.
Winners: John Morrison & Finlay

NOOO! CrymeTyme, Eve, "Slam Master J"... They send Jesse to graffiti Teddy Long's office. Jesse does it and also steals some DVDs. CrymeTyme flee, and Teddy collars J and puts him in a match against a mystery opponent, probably Kane. Fucksticks. ADVERTISING.

BACK and J is out now for his no-doubt-classic match against.... (heavy sigh).

Slam Master J vs Kane

Exactly what you'd expect to happen, happens. Fuck this.
Winner: Kane

Vince is wandering around backstage and Punk collars him to complain about Hell's Gate being un-banned. Vince just says 'good luck tonight, champ'. Yes, ten years of SmackDown celebration is next week, blah blah blah and Vince is out to make a 'big announcement'. He's heeling it up, making fun of Oklahoma. But he's really here to tell us about next week's super special celebration show. To help us celebrate ten years of SmackDown, we're gonna have DX (who have never been on SmackDown together) and John Cena (who has been on Raw since 2005). Yaaay. Vince then brings out a special guest... Vince 'personally signed' him, he's a future World Heavyweight Champion, and is simply 'bad ass'... PLEASE BE BILLY GUNN! PLEASE! Oh. It's Drew McIntyre. Hmm. Interesting. McIntyre comes out in a suit, and shakes hands with Vince in the ring. McIntyre puts himself over and is almost drowned out by a "USA!" chant. Later on, apparently, there'll be a big party in his honour. He says the party has just begun... wait, didn't he say the party was OVER a couple of weeks back when he first jumped R-Truth? Is this the same party to which he is referring? Ah! Here comes Truth now, perhaps he can help. Truth comes out through the crowd - to a big pop - performing his entrance, as Drew removes his jacket and pushes his shirt sleeves up. Truth is wearing a pretty cool-looking camouflage vest which looks a bit like a bulletproof one. He offers to welcome McIntyre to SmackDown, then of course just jumps McIntyre, and they're separated by referees. McIntyre retreats, looking furious. ADVERTISING.

BACK and good god, I am dreading this Batista/Show match. There is literally no logical possibility that this will be anything other than dog shit. Deep breath, folks!

Big Show w/ Chris Jericho vs Batista

A simpleton at ringside has a sign that says BATISTA IS THE BEST OF ALL TIME. Batista sees it, and stares in disbelief for a couple of seconds. Seriously, is there anybody with an IQ above 50 who thinks DAVE fucking BATISTA is the BEST OF ALL TIME?! Fuck! Anyway, yeah, we're underway, with some collar-and-elbow tie-up action, a few punches, and Batista basically getting owned. DAVE goes for a shoulderblock but gets impressively swatted away. Show lands a chop which "would either stop a heart, or start one, I'm not sure" according to Dr. JR. Another big chop. Jericho is screaming at ringside "DID YOU HEAR THAT! IT BROKE HIM IN TWO!" Teest fights back momentarily before being shoved to the ground and stepped on. The match crawls on like this for several minutes until DAVE ducks a big boot, leaving Show crotched on the ropes like an idiot. Teest shoves him to the outside as we go to merciful ADVERTISING.

BACK, god damn it, and surprise surprise, DAVE is in a headlock. During the break Jericho went to interfere, causing Batista to get hit by Show's "spear". Teest fights his way out of the headlock and comes off the ropes straight into a bearhug. Jericho tries desperately to keep things interesting by screaming at JR "WHO'S THE ANIMAL?! BIG SHOW IS THE ANIMAL! TELL 'EM BIG SHOW IS THE ANIMAL!". "Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Jericho would like to relay at this time that the Big Show is the animal." DAVE is still in the bearhug. This is terrible. Legdrop from Show gets two. Batista is then put in a waistlock for about two days. He fights out but Show launches him into the corner and Batista runs right into a bodyslam. Show goes up for a Vader bomb which misses (surprise) and Batista mounts a crappy comeback, hitting a spear. He then puts Show into position for the Batista Bomb. Yeah right. He simply can't lift Show, who goes for a chokeslam which is blocked. DAVE then takes Show down with a chop block - and an ankle lock. Show screams very loudly and looks to be about to tap. Jericho leaps into the ring, straight into a spinebuster, causing the DQ. Teest then puts the ankle lock on Jericho, who starts "tapping like an inebriated man" according to JR. Show and Jericho both roll around with sore ankles. Lame, but could've been much worse I guess.
Winner by DQ: Batista

Another recap of Teddy's low-budget limo nightmare and a reminder that Punk/Taker is our main event, and we go TO THE BACK with Teddy Long and Vince. Vince demands an explanation for Long's ragged appearance. Teddy's "been to hell and back", so I guess he looks pretty damn good if that's true. He also wants his picture on the wall of Teddy's office again. Apparently it's not finished. What the hell is this. Long brings out a portrait of Vince - which is covered in Slam Master J's graffiti from earlier! How
about that! Sigh. ADVERTISING.

BACK and CrymeTyme are out. If they're facing the Hart Dynasty I might start crying. Not that any of the guys involved are bad, but... give the Harts a mic, damn it! Yup, Harts. Ah, it's a singles match. Okay.

JTG w/ Shad Gaspard & Eve Torres vs David Hart Smith w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya

We start with Smith walking into a picture-perfect dropkick and then JTG's second-rope corner facebuster thing, for a quick two. Smith turns it around quickly with some elementary hossing, a clothesline and some kicks. Beautiful powerslam from Smith gets two. Fireman's carry into a front slam, then a stretch. JTG fights out of this quickly and soon things are going JTG's way with a somersault shoulderblock, a clothesline and a somersault bulldog. Second rope legdrop gets two, as Natalya puts Smith's foot on the rope. Eve attacks Natalya who escapes into the ring, distracting the ref, Shad tries to restrain Eve outside and Kidd hits a sneaky boot to JTG's head. Big German suplex from Smith gets... three. Huh.
Winner: David Hart Smith

Man, talk about anticlimactic. That was going pretty well, then just sorta stopped. Anyway, we get a recap of Batista's vicious ankle lock antics and Josh Matthews tells us that he'll be talking to Batista following the ADVERTISING.

BACK and can you believe it's ten years since the first SmackDown?! Yes, I can, now shut up about it. Here's DAVE to talk to Josh. Apparently he's going to challenge Jericho and Big Show at Hell In A Cell for the titles... with Rey Mysterio as his partner. Ummm, okay. It gives him something to do I guess. I don't like thrown-together tag teams at all, for the record. Main event time! Uhh, well Punk comes out and then we get some more ADVERTISING.


World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs The Undertaker

Taker's out in his smock again, no hat. I hope he's done his hair properly this week, I can't tell in this blue light. Ah, yes. Taker is not ginger this week. His hair looks mega-greasy though. Slimy, almost, as if he washed it in tar. Why am I talking about hair. Yes, we're underway, and Punk manages to get a momentary advantage, kicking the hell out of Taker in the corner. Taker then simply throws Punk over the top as we go to ADVERTISING AGAIN. ARGH.

BACK and jesus god that was the ninth ad break. Anyway, Taker's in a headlock, as is now customary for ad break returns, but he breaks free and floors Punk with a shoulderblock before throwing him over and out. Taker pursues Punk outside and as Punk re-enters the ring, Taker grabs him and hits all his apron-centric offense (choke drop, punches, legdrop). Both men are outside again, then inside again. Taker takes over with some kicks and a wristlock, teasing Old School, which Punk escapes with some stiff punches and a kick. Punk goes for a superplex but Taker stops that shit hilariously with a super-fast series of punches like fucking Popeye (even going 'boom! boomboomboomboomboom!' as he did it). That was funny. Punk gets up and hits some shots of his own. Taker has been sat on the top for a long time now. Punk finally hits the superplex, which gets two. Two knees to the back, a kick and a legdrop gets two. Punk slaps on a figure four headlock. Taker escapes by going for a chokeslam of course, but Punk cuts Taker right back down with a few kicks. Punch/kick exchange from here, which Taker wins. Taker hits a corner charge, snake eyes, a big boot and a legdrop for two. Taker signals the chokeslam as Punk gets up. Punk stops that shit with a nice kick to Taker's temple. Punk goes over for the cover but Taker snares him in Hell's Gate - but Punk's right on the ropes. Punk slips outside and goes for his belt, but Taker follows him. Taker throws the belt into the ring and removes the top of the announcer's table. Punk slips out of the Last Ride and escapes into the ring - and Taker gets counted out.
Winner by countout: CM Punk

Hmm, that was okay I guess. Punk holds the belt aloft and Taker looks sullen in the ring, and that's that.

YES: The main event was actually decent. The booking made sense and it was a solid match. The tag match was pretty good too. And NO DIVAS THIS WEEK! Hell yeah.

NO: Not enough wrestling. A hell of a lot of filler, recaps - and NINE ad breaks (surely that's illegal) made the show rather choppy and hard to get into. JTG/Smith was just getting interesting when it fizzled away. Slam Master J, and everything related to him, was pointless. His match with Kane was a squash, at least. Batista vs Big Show wasn't as bad as their last encounter, but fuck me was it slow as fucking fuck.

WHAT?: Why did Vince 'personally sign' Drew McIntyre? Also, JR's "tapping like an inebriated man" and "that would either stop a heart or start one, I'm not sure" are notable soundbites. Batista clocking that sign was funny too.

There was a pretty good show in here somewhere but it was hamstrung by all the fucking ad breaks and vid packages. Next week, for all you goldfish, is SmackDown's tenth anniversary show, a three-hour slog featuring DX and Cena, amongst others (Vickie Guerrero and JBL are rumoured) so remind me to pick up some booze. I'm Ian Sparke, and I really have no idea who Al Sharpton is.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).