Recap for September 24, 2010

Hello, everyone.  “Great” Scott is back after a one-week hiatus.  I’d like to say I was protesting not being selected as a pro in Sean’s TWF LTR contest, but I’m just not that motivated.  Protests just take too much effort.  I wanted to form a splinter group of wrestling Web site wannabes and revolt against TWF, perhaps trashing the site and choking out people with ties, but I really just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I don’t want to disappoint my fans (all six and a half of you), so I will include last week’s recap directly after this one.  Last week was just crazy and I didn’t get a chance to watch the show until this week.

This week’s special double recap is (unofficially) sponsored by Great Explorations Children’s Museum.  It’s only about an hour or so away from me in lovely St. Petersburg, Florida. Take it from their Web site, “At Great Explorations Children's Museum, hands-on challenges and role play make learning fun for kids and their families!”  If I had kids, or wanted to touch things that thousands of germ-riddled little brats had touched after picking their noses, I’d so be at this place!  If you’d like to learn more, go to www.greatexplorations.org.

Lastly, before I get started with the recap, I’d like to get to my non-wrestling rant of the week.  This week, I’d like to rant against anyone who’s trying to fault the Jets for the way they supposedly treated this “sports reporter,” Inez Sainz.  Apparently, she was in the New York Jets locker room (they’re a football team for those of you who are sports retarded), interviewing members of the team and they actually had the gall to make passes at her.  Now, if she looked like Barbara Bush or Rosie O’Donnell, I would probably think poorly of the Jets, but this chick pretty much dresses like a slut and probably uses her looks to gain anything she gets.  I’ve posted a relatively tame picture of her, but if you Google her name, you’ll find that she’s most certainly not your serious reporter type.

My favorite part of this whole “women getting mistreated in men’s locker rooms” thing is that women are even allowed in men’s locker rooms.  As a matter of fact, it’s not really a sex thing, because I can’t understand why ANY reporters are allowed in a locker room when guys are naked and trying to shower?  Is ten minutes really going to ruin any comments you get out of an athlete?  50 percent of them can’t put together a coherent sentence, anyway.  What difference would it make if you let the damned guys take a shower, get dressed, and sit down for a minute?  And don’t even get me started on the fact that you’ll never see a male reporter allowed in a female locker room…in our world, when people say “We want equality,” most of the time, they’re really saying, “We want special privileges that you don’t get.”  Awesome.

That being said, this week’s show starts off quickly, with…

Kane vs. Chris Masters

So, we’re starting the show off with the champion in a curtain-jerker match?  At least we’re getting him out of the way quickly.

This looks to be a match chock full of “hoss,” and I’m instantly proven right with the standard hoss offense (headlocks, shoulderblocks, and clubbing blows).  Chris Masters goes slightly off script with a neck breaker and a shoulderblock off the second rope.  He follows up with a MasterLock that I’m SURE is going to win this thing two minutes in.

After 45 seconds or so, Kane escapes and takes the advantage by kicking Masters’ knee.  He follows with what could loosely be called a dropkick and more hossy goodness.  After some glacially-paced punches, kicks, and clotheslines by Kane, Masters gets a few shots in, but Kane continues to stay in control.  Kane hits a seated dropkick, but can’t get a three count.  Masters tries to fight back again, but goes to the second rope to do something that I really can’t figure out (maybe a double axehandle), but Kane punches him in the throat.  Kane waits two hours for Masters to get up so he can hit a chokeslam and a tombstone piledriver to get the win.

Winner: Kane

Rating:

That match was about what I’d expect from these two.  I think they blew their load a little early having Masters lock his hold on a minute or two in…but what do I know?

After the match, Kane decides to threaten the score I gave him by getting on the mic.  He brags about his win over his brother at Night of Champions and goes for the cheap heel heat by insulting the crowd.  Kane talks about smelling the stench of fear.  Hey Glen, it might’ve been the turd you just dropped in the ring with Chris Masters.  Anyway, Kane goes into the crowd, and sits next to a plump little Latino boy who looks like he’s going to piss himself at the very sight of the Big Red Monster.  I start to lose interest in the rest of Kane’s blabbering…let’s fast forward.

John Cena’s movie was out in theatres for 48 minutes…now it’s available on DVD?  Awesome.  It’s only available at Wal-Mart?  Double awesome!

When we return from the commercials, we’re reminded that Kane beat The Undertaker at Night of Champions…even though he just told us that two minutes ago.  I looked at the rundown of who won, and I’m pretty much split on the results.  There were two good endings (Ziggler retains and Bryan wins), two questionable endings (the belts on McIntyre and Rhodes and having Randy Orton win), and two I could care less about (the women’s belt and Kane retaining).  I would’ve rather seen the belts on Santino and Kozlov…and I bet the crowd would’ve gone berserk for that.  I just hate that Team Pushed for no Reason wins after teaming together twice. As for Orton, I hate him to begin with, and now he’s completely invincible.  I’m still trying to grasp the marketability of the guy.  He’s terrible on the mic, can’t carry anyone in the ring, and uses the GARVIN FRICKIN’ STOMP!!  COME ON!

Wow, we’re all about action tonight, as we head back to the ring for a title match!

Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart Dynasty

Why does Cody have a mirror on his back?  He can’t see himself in it.  If he was supposed to be arrogant, wouldn’t he carry the mirror?  I guess he’s dashing, not intelligent.

I can’t really understand why they put the belts on these two knuckleheads, especially since Drew hasn’t been able to string two wins together since he’s been back.  And, yes, Drew, I remember your David Taylor days the first time you were around.

In the ring, David Hart Smith starts out with McIntyre.  Drew starts out quickly, but Hart turns the tables with a belly-to-belly suplex.  Hart tags to Kidd, who hits a low dropkick after a Smith drop toehold.  McIntyre rolls to the outside, but Hart head scissors him to the security wall…ouch.  Now it’s time for commercials!

When we return, McIntyre hits a clothesline on Smith and poses.  This gives Hart a chance to hit a jawbreaker.  McIntyre tags to Rhodes, who lands some punches and a knee drop.  Hart fights back with two headbutts, so Rhodes tags out.  McIntyre enters the ring, only to be powerslammed by Smith.  Rhodes tags in and locks on a…uh oh, Smith powers out with an electric chair drop.  Both men are down, but both men make tags.  Kidd is a house of fire, hitting about eight different kinds of kicks on McIntyre before screaming like a maniac.  Kidd then hits a nice version of the Buff Blockbuster, but off the top rope (instead of the top turnbuckle).  Rhodes comes in to make the save on the pin attempt, but he’s quickly ejected by Smith.  McIntyre returns the favor by booting Smith in the face.  While the ref is distracted, McIntyre removes the top turnbuckle pad.  Kidd leaps into McIntyre, who launches him into the exposed steel.  Kidd stumbles into the Future Shock DDT and gets pinned.

Winners:  Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes

Rating: 

That match wasn’t too terribly bad.  I’m not a huge fan of these thrown together teams, but at least the tag team division has a little new blood.  I would’ve rather seen Rhodes teaming up with Joe Hennig or someone more logical, but whatever.

In the back, The Undertaker is COUGHING!  I guess he gets sick when he has to sell for someone.

In the back, Alberto Del Rio is GLOATING!  We pan out to see that he’s beaten up Christian in the back.  Alberto Del Rio is awesome.

After the commercials, it’s time for the RAW Rebound.  On RAW, John Cena tries to prove to everyone that he’s MORE invincible than Orton by beating four men.  I will say that this Nexus angle is at least allowing Justin Gabriel to get some screen time.  He’s getting better every time I see him. 

Anyhoo, at the next pay-per-view, which is about a day and a half after the last one, Cena is fighting Wade Barrett.

In the back, The Dudebusters are dressed like garbage men and they’re trying to teach Hornswoggle to talk.  I think they need to do a Flowers for Algernon angle with Hornswoggle, where they do some operation on him and he gets smarter, starts to get all arrogant (perhaps make him GM of SmackDown…or better yet RAW), and then he turns retarded again.  I think everyone would like that angle.  The book is great, but is it ever depressing.

Even FARTHER in the back, Luke Gallows chokes CM Punk and tells him he can beat him.  Gallows falls off the wagon by saying that he’s going to have a beer after his victory.  I hope it’s a ROOT beer.

Wow, another match!

Chavo Guerrero vs. Kaval

Chavo starts off with some quick offense, but Kaval does a clever leaping reverse mule kick out of the corner.  Chavo gets in another shot, but Kaval continues to kick away.  Chavo tries to fling Kaval out, but he spins through the ropes and gets back in.  In the opposite corner, Chavo tries to toss Kaval again, but Chavo ends up in a dragon sleeper.  Eventually, Chavo boots Kaval off the apron and beats on him outside the ring.  Chavo tosses Kaval back in the ring and hits a rolling senton splash.  The match slows a bit as Chavo locks on a rest hold, but Kaval fights out.  He follows up with two forearm shots and some sweet kicks.  After Kaval misses a splash in the corner, Chavo regains control and hits the Three Amigos.  With Kaval down, Chavo goes to the top rope, but misses the frog splash.  Chavo, however, rolls through, but runs into a dropkick by Kaval.  Kaval pops Chavo in the corner with a rolling Liger kick, but Chavo holds on when Kaval tries a Frankensteiner.  Chavo goes back to the top and lands the frog splash.

Winner:  Chavo Guerrero

Rating: 

That was a very good match.  They should’ve given these two a little more time, but I’ll take what I can get.  I do like, however, that Daniel Bryan lost NXT and has a belt, but Kaval is losing to a guy who was getting beaten by a midget earlier this year…and he’s our next BREAKOUT STAR!

After some more commercials, we’re reminded that Alberto Del Rio injured Rey Mysterio.  We’re also told that Emmitt Smith’s beard is weird.

Alberto Del Rio is announced, and he arrives in a very beautiful car.  Have I mentioned that I like this guy?  I feel bad that I called this guy a Salvatore Sincere retread.  Tom Brandi couldn’t lace this guy’s bootstraps.

Del Rio is so awesome that he’s involved in two feuds right now, both of which I care about more than Kane and The Undertaker and Randy Orton and Sheamus. 

After running down Christian and Rey again, Christian’s music starts up and Captain Charisma gimps his way to the ring.  He starts to beat on Del Rio, but Alberto’s announcer guy interferes, allowing Del Rio to pop Christian and clamp on the cross arm breaker.  He punctuates his attack by inserting Christian’s arm into a folding chair and ramming it into the ringpost.  Alberto Del Rio—2, Faces—0.  I have an idea for how to book Del Rio next.  Let’s have this guy get squashed by The Undertaker to set up the 5,204 Kane/Undertaker match.  That feud’s fresh and new!

Speaking of The Undertaker, he’s in the back and he looks sad.  He’s probably got buyer’s remorse after marrying Michelle McCool.

Well, this show is taking a turn for the worse, as the next match is…

Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer vs. The Big Show

Wow, handicap matches now?  Welcome to Jobberville…population, you two.  I can’t say I’m sad to see this, but it’s funny how these two couldn’t even get into the tag team turmoil match at Night of Champions.  Unlike the new champs, at least these two have tagged together a double-digit number of times.

The match lasts about two minutes.  Hawkins gets destroyed, he tags out to Archer, and Archer taps out in about 30 seconds.  Way to earn that check, Show.

Winner: The Big Show

Rating:

Why bother building these guys up if you’re just going to job them out to one guy?  I don’t believe they deserved the push they got, but someone somewhere did.  Apparently, that person came down from whatever high they were on, ate a bag of Funyuns, and decided these guys actually were crap and this is the result.  Hopefully, that’s the end of Hawkins and Archer.

After the match, the suck continues as Josh Matthews interviews Jack Swagger and Hornswoggle steals his stuff.  That was the opposite of funny.

Tonight is just chock full of wrestling action, as we get yet another match.

CM Punk vs. Luke Gallows

So, is the SES done for good?  That’s a bummer; I thought it was a pretty good angle.  I also wonder if Luke Gallows is going to be a retarded mute again now that he’s not under the tutelage of Punk.

In the ring, Gallows takes control early with typical big man offense (punches and kicks).  He also hits a flapjack and a hip toss before choking Punk over the ropes.  Punk stuns Gallows over the top rope and hits a spingboard clothesline.  Punk follows by applying a front facelock.  Gallows tries to power out, so Punk tries a sunset flip, but Gallows tries an elbow drop, but Punk moves…wow, nothing seems to work.  Punk takes control with kicks aplenty and a headbutt to Gallows’ midsection.  Gallows fights back with a boot, a clothesline, and a pair of punches.  He punctuates things with a splash in the corner and another on the mat.  After getting a two count on a pin, Gallows hulks up, only to miss a corner splash and fall prey to the GTS.

Winner:  CM Punk

Rating: 

That match was average, but the storyline was good and both guys came out of it looking decent.  I think this breakup angle could play out a little longer…as long as The Big Show isn’t involved anymore.

We to the back for the tenth time, and The Undertaker still looks sad.  Wow, this guy does not take losing well.

Come on, WWE, do you want me to change the channel?  It sucks that to see one of my favorite wrestlers I have to put up with this fat cow.  Kaitlyn makes things a little more tolerable, but you can’t polish a turd.

Dolph Ziggler vs. MVP

Wow, this pairing is sorta’ random.  Shouldn’t they have a tournament to determine a number one contender or something? 

Anyway, the match starts up with some speedy takedowns by MVP.  Some more quick back forth ends with Ziggler heading outside to seek solace with Kaitlyn.  Man, she has a rock hard body.  MVP continues to stay in control, eventually booting Ziggler back outside.  I will say, for as hot as Kaitlyn is, she’s an equally terrible actress.  She shoves Vickie down and apathetically walks to the back, followed by Vickie.  YES!!  That just got an extra point for this match!  Ziggler is so confused that he needs a commercial break to recover.

When we return, MVP misses his boot in the corner.  Ziggler tries for a rollup, but doesn’t get the win.  He follows the pin attempt with a series of kicks and a neckbreaker.  After a second failed cover, Dolph lands a flurry of elbow drops.  Dolph stays in control with a half-nelson/rear chinlock hold.  MVP gets to his feet and elbows his way out.  Ziggler kicks MVP in the stomach and sends him to the corner, only to miss a splash.  MVP hits his belly-to-belly throw and a trifecta of clotheslines.  He tosses Ziggler to the mat and goes for one of his finishers, but Ziggler rolls him up for another two count.  MVP hits a semi-exploder suplex and gets a two count himself.  After that, MVP hits his Drive By boot in the corner, but gets stunned by Ziggler over the top rope.  Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but MVP holds the top rope.  MVP tries for the Ballin’ Elbow, but Ziggler rolls to the outside.  Ziggler decides he’s had enough, so he takes his belt and leaves.  So, Vickie Guerrero is to Dolph Ziggler what Undertaker’s urn was to Undertaker.  WWE + analogies = FUN!

Winner: MVP (by DQ)

Rating: 

That match was only okay to begin with, but the stupid ending ruined everything.  Let’s focus on the wrestlers and not the fat cow that’s only employed for pity’s sake, okay?

In the back, my two least favorite things come together to piss me off...Hornswoggle and Vickie.  In what could be the FUNNIEST MOMENT IN WWE HISTORY, The Dudebusters lock Vickie in the moving van and send her on her way.  And by funniest moment, I mean shitiest moment.

The Undertaker is still in the back and he’s still in the purple stairway.  He tells someone to get lost, but he looks up and seems surprised by who it is…Shawn Michaels? Paul Bearer? Brother Love?  Giant Gonzalez?  Katie Vick?  TELL ME!!

So, for the third week in a row, we’re going to have a non-wrestling main event.  This is getting ridiculous.  Apparently, this is going to be another big announcement by Kane.  Wonderful. 

I decide to fast forward through a few minutes of Kane’s babbling (set to Final Fantasy music, no less).  I push play in time to hear that Kane is going to fight The Undertaker at Hell in a Cell. 

CUE THE DRUIDS!!

The lights turn from red to blue and the Final Fantasy music is changed to chanting as the FCW druids roll a coffin to the ring.  It would be awesome if The Ultimate Warrior were in that damn thing.

Kane talks to the coffin for a bit before opening it to reveal Paul Bearer and the urn.  Wow, he hasn’t changed one damned bit!  He actually looks better than The Undertaker does!  I guess being encased in cement preserves a guy!  Kane better call Kama, The Ultimate Fighting Machine!  They can work together to get that urn back!

The Undertaker kneels before the urn and we’re out.

Okay, that was a pretty cool reveal.  I’m not thrilled that they couldn’t have an actual match as a main event, but that was actually a satisfying conclusion.

Before we head back to last week’s show, let me hand out some awards.

The Really Great Thing of the Night Award:  Alberto Del Rio is still awesome, and Kaval and Chavo put on a good, albeit short, match.  Paul Bearer’s return was kinda’ cool, too.

The Not So Great Thing of the Night:  Well, the non-match main event was the frontrunner (until the Bearer reveal), but Vickie Guerrero and a half dozen Hornswoggle skits both take home prizes instead.

Well, now we’re going to hop in the Delorean and crank that sucker to 88 MPH…we’re going BACK IN TIME!!!

SmackDown Recap for September 17, 2010

Since we’re going back in time, I’m going to use my old “Doc Brown” rating system…and my Back to the Future theme for the recap.  I’m also going to trim down the match reviews, just because I’m doing this all in one night and I’m already getting tired.

We start the show with Christian and The Peep Show.  The show is instantly made more awesome by the arrival of Alberto Del Rio and his Spanish-speaking announcer guy.  After some funny back-and-forth (Christian calls Del Rio “Dos Equis”), Christian challenges Del Rio to a match.  Del Rio says he’ll think about it and does something that looks kinda’ fruity, so Christian slaps him.  Del Rio leaves in a foul mood, but returns to form and tells Christian he won’t accept his challenge.  He finishes things up with a smile and a wink.

Tonight, we’re going to see The Hart Dynasty vs. Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre.

Robin Hood’s out on DVD.  In the deleted scenes, watch him hit the Sheriff of Nottingham with a phone!

The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya’s beautiful chesticles) vs. Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes

Power guys start out and tie up a lot.  Some nice moves from both guys, including a powerslam by Smith and a jawbreaker by McIntyre.  Eventually, both men tag out and Kidd and Rhodes have a go.  Rhodes ends up on the outside, where Natalya smacks him.  This smack knocks us right into some commercials.

After the break, the momentum of the match springs back and forth.  Kidd starts off strong, but McIntyre gains control.  Kidd does some super-sweet moves, but ends up getting shoved off the apron.  The heels take over with basic heel offense and focus their attacks on Kidd’s arm.  Finally, McIntyre tries for his double underhook DDT, but Kidd reverses into a neck breaker.  Both men make tags, with Smith mowing Rhodes down with clotheslines.  After McIntyre breaks up the Hart Attack, Smith walks into the CrossRhodes and gets pinned.  That was a really good match…I was more involved in watching it than recapping it.

Winners:  Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes

Rating:  

That was really good stuff, mostly by Tyson Kidd and Nattie’s chest.  That was one of the best matches I’ve seen on WWE TV in a while.

After some commercials and a brief mention that WWE is on Facebook, we head back to the ring.

Kofi Kingston (The Non-Jamaican African) vs. Jack Swagger (The All-American American)

Swagger tries some college wrestling to start, but Kofi has none of it.  Essentially, this match pits the brawling and grappling style of Swagger against the speed and agility of Kingston.  Swagger stays on top most of the time with submission holds.  Cool spot sees Kingston try to hit a springboard clothesline, only to be caught and powerslammed by Swagger.  After a commercial break, another cool spot has Swagger locking on an abdominal stretch through the ropes.  Swagger continues to dominate the match until Kingston fights out of a reverse bear hug.  Swagger gets in another few moves, including a stun gun under the bottom rope and a seated abdominal stretch, but Kingston fights back with kicks aplenty.  He follows the kicks up with a hiiiiiiigh flying body press, but he can’t get the win.  The match gets really good from this point on, with each man going for his finisher once or twice.  After some more great back and forth, Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise for the win.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston

Rating: 

That match was even better than the last.  While Kingston didn’t do a great job selling the ankle, both men put on a great show there.  That match had some great moves, some good psychology, and a really good tempo.  Go on Hulu and watch those last two matches.

Next, a Hornswoggle skit…let’s move on.

Since I guess they need to balance good with bad, let’s continue with bad…

Rosa Mendes and Kelly Kelly (with Naomi? Who?) vs. LayCool (with Kaval? Still? Really?)

Man, Rosa looks hot.  Kelly Kelly looks like a FemBot from Austin Powers.  She needs to shoot gas or bullets from her boobs. 

Well, on to the match…lots of screaming, bad wrestling, and bad “performing” by the heel team.  Oh yeah, and Spanish speaking from Rosa.  The end comes, mercifully, after Layla hits a Rude Awakening-esque neck breaker for the win.

Winner: LayCool

Rating:

A half star each for Rosa’s beautiful boobs…zero stars for everything else.

I cannot believe KFC is still selling that disgusting chicken-on-chicken sandwich.  I’m no health freak, but even I have to draw the line at something that’s all fried, fat, and calories.  Who designs food for KFC, Jabba the Hutt?

After the break, we’re treated to a video package on the Six-Pack Challenge.  It’s awesome to see Sheamus in a video package with the likes of Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, The Rock, and Shawn Michaels.  Doesn’t anyone in Titan Towers see something wrong with that picture?  Nevertheless, the video package is actually a pretty good sell of the match, making it look better than anything that was at SummerSlam, one of the “big four” PPVs.  Prioritization seems to rank right below logic and comedy on the WWE’s list of things they don’t do well.

In the back, LayCool bores me to tears.  Why can’t they do skits with people I give a crap about?

CM Punk vs. Christian

This match gets a bonus for Alberto Del Rio joining us on commentary.

The match starts very quickly with Christian going for a series of covers.  Punk fights back and mocks Christian.  Christian, however, fights back with a punch and his “stand on my opponent’s back while his neck is draped over the middle rope” move.  Punk, however, hits a knee to the midsection and takes things over.  As is the case with most matches, things go back and forth until CM Punk dropkicks Christian to the outside.  After the commercial, Christian escapes from a leg scissors, only to get locked in an abdominal stretch.  Christian tries to escape that, but Punk clotheslines him and follows that with a backbreaker. 

After a bit, the two men clunk heads and they both end up laid out.  The pace picks up from here, with Christian taking the advantage with a flying uppercut.  Punk tries for the GTS, but Christian escapes.  Some pin attempts follow, but neither man can get the win.  Punk hits the Pepsi One in the corner, but Christian manages to hit the reverse DDT drop.  Del Rio decides to give Christian an answer to his challenge, but this only manages to distract Christian.  Punk hits the GTS and the match is over.

Winner:  CM Punk

Rating:

That match was also good.  It was a little slow at times, but there was definitely a lot of action.

After the match, Del Rio puts a chair over Christian’s throat and tells him to take his challenge and shove it (more or less).  For some reason, Big Show comes out to not necessarily help Christian, but to make Punk look like an idiot again.  He succeeds.

After the final commercials, I’m reminded that this is the fourth or fifth show in a row with a main event that’s just a stupid segment that involves Kane and/or Undertaker babbling about hell, Satan, sins, and other semi-blasphemous nonsense. 

I fast forward through most of Kane’s soliloquy, which I assume is boring.  Eventually, The Undertaker comes out, only to get beaten up by Kane.  I’ve had enough of this feud.

Now, I’m going to stick to the theme and present some old school awards.

The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Three great matches on one show!

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: The divas match and another non-match main event.on-match main event.

Wow, I’m beat.  I’ll never skip another recap, no matter how busy I am.  I’m off to bed.  I hope you all have a “great” weekend.