Recap for September 24, 2010
Hello,
everyone.
“Great” Scott is back after a one-week hiatus.
I’d like to say I was protesting not being selected as a
pro in Sean’s TWF LTR contest, but I’m just not that
motivated.
Protests just take too much effort. I wanted to form a
splinter group of wrestling Web site wannabes and revolt
against TWF, perhaps trashing the site and choking out
people with ties, but I really just couldn’t bring
myself to do it.
Anyway,
I don’t want to disappoint my fans (all six and a half
of you), so I will include last week’s recap directly
after this one.
Last week was just crazy and I didn’t get a
chance to watch the show until this week.
This
week’s special double recap is (unofficially) sponsored
by Great Explorations Children’s Museum. It’s only about
an hour or so away from me in lovely
Lastly, before I get started with the recap, I’d like to
get to my non-wrestling rant of the week. This week, I’d
like to rant against anyone who’s trying to fault the
Jets for the way they supposedly treated this “sports
reporter,” Inez Sainz. Apparently, she
was in the New York Jets locker room (they’re a football
team for those of you who are sports retarded),
interviewing members of the team and they actually had
the gall to make passes at her. Now, if she
looked like Barbara Bush or Rosie O’Donnell, I would
probably think poorly of the Jets, but this chick pretty
much dresses like a slut and probably uses her looks to
gain anything she gets. I’ve posted a
relatively tame picture of her, but if you Google her
name, you’ll find that she’s most certainly not your
serious reporter type.
My favorite part of this whole “women getting mistreated
in men’s locker rooms” thing is that women are even
allowed in men’s locker rooms. As a matter of
fact, it’s not really a sex thing, because I can’t
understand why ANY reporters are allowed in a locker
room when guys are naked and trying to shower? Is ten minutes
really going to ruin any comments you get out of an
athlete? 50
percent of them can’t put together a coherent sentence,
anyway.
What difference would it make if you let the
damned guys take a shower, get dressed, and sit down for
a minute?
And don’t even get me started on the fact that
you’ll never see a male reporter allowed in a female
locker room…in our world, when people say “We want
equality,” most of the time, they’re really saying, “We
want special privileges that you don’t get.”
Awesome.
That being said, this week’s show starts off quickly,
with…
Kane vs. Chris Masters
So, we’re starting the show off with the champion in a
curtain-jerker match? At least we’re
getting him out of the way quickly.
This looks to be a match chock full of “hoss,” and I’m
instantly proven right with the standard hoss offense
(headlocks, shoulderblocks, and clubbing blows). Chris Masters
goes slightly off script with a neck breaker and a
shoulderblock off the second rope. He follows up
with a MasterLock that I’m SURE is going to win this
thing two minutes in.
After 45 seconds or so, Kane escapes and takes the
advantage by kicking Masters’ knee. He follows with
what could loosely be called a dropkick and more hossy
goodness.
After some glacially-paced punches, kicks, and
clotheslines by Kane, Masters gets a few shots in, but
Kane continues to stay in control. Kane hits a
seated dropkick, but can’t get a three count. Masters tries to
fight back again, but goes to the second rope to do
something that I really can’t figure out (maybe a double
axehandle), but Kane punches him in the throat. Kane waits two
hours for Masters to get up so he can hit a chokeslam
and a tombstone piledriver to get the win.
Winner:
Kane
Rating:
That match was about what I’d expect from these two. I think they
blew their load a little early having Masters lock his
hold on a minute or two in…but what do I know?
After the match, Kane decides to threaten the score I
gave him by getting on the mic. He brags about
his win over his brother at Night of Champions and goes
for the cheap heel heat by insulting the crowd. Kane talks about
smelling the stench of fear. Hey Glen, it
might’ve been the turd you just dropped in the ring with
Chris Masters.
Anyway, Kane goes into the crowd, and sits next
to a plump little Latino boy who looks like he’s going
to piss himself at the very sight of the Big Red
Monster. I
start to lose interest in the rest of Kane’s
blabbering…let’s fast forward.
John Cena’s movie was out in theatres for 48 minutes…now
it’s available on DVD?
Awesome.
It’s only available at Wal-Mart? Double awesome!
When
we return from the commercials, we’re reminded that Kane
beat The Undertaker at Night of Champions…even though he
just told us that two minutes ago. I looked at the
rundown of who won, and I’m pretty much split on the
results.
There were two good endings (Ziggler retains and
Wow, we’re all about action tonight, as we head back to
the ring for a title match!
Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart
Dynasty
Why does Cody have a mirror on his back? He can’t see
himself in it.
If he was supposed to be arrogant, wouldn’t he
carry the mirror?
I guess he’s dashing, not intelligent.
I can’t really understand why they put the belts on
these two knuckleheads, especially since Drew hasn’t
been able to string two wins together since he’s been
back. And, yes, Drew,
I remember your David Taylor days the first time you
were around.
In the ring, David Hart Smith starts out with McIntyre.
Drew starts out quickly, but Hart turns the
tables with a belly-to-belly suplex. Hart tags to
Kidd, who hits a low dropkick after a Smith drop
toehold.
McIntyre rolls to the outside, but Hart head
scissors him to the security wall…ouch. Now it’s time
for commercials!
When we return, McIntyre hits a clothesline on Smith and
poses. This
gives Hart a chance to hit a jawbreaker. McIntyre tags to
Rhodes, who lands some punches and a knee drop. Hart fights back
with two headbutts, so
Winners: Drew McIntyre
and Cody Rhodes
Rating:
That match wasn’t too terribly bad. I’m not a huge
fan of these thrown together teams, but at least the tag
team division has a little new blood. I would’ve
rather seen
In the back, The Undertaker is COUGHING! I guess he gets
sick when he has to sell for someone.
In the back, Alberto Del Rio is GLOATING! We pan out to
see that he’s beaten up Christian in the back. Alberto Del Rio
is awesome.
After the commercials, it’s time for the RAW Rebound. On RAW, John
Cena tries to prove to everyone that he’s MORE
invincible than Orton by beating four men. I will say that
this Nexus angle is at least allowing Justin Gabriel to
get some screen time. He’s getting
better every time I see him.
Anyhoo, at the next pay-per-view, which is about a day
and a half after the last one, Cena is fighting Wade
Barrett.
In
the back, The Dudebusters are dressed like garbage men
and they’re trying to teach Hornswoggle to talk. I think they
need to do a Flowers for Algernon
angle with Hornswoggle, where they do some operation on
him and he gets smarter, starts to get all arrogant
(perhaps make him GM of SmackDown…or better yet RAW),
and then he turns retarded again. I think everyone
would like that angle. The book is
great, but is it ever depressing.
Even FARTHER in the back, Luke Gallows chokes CM Punk
and tells him he can beat him. Gallows falls
off the wagon by saying that he’s going to have a beer
after his victory.
I hope it’s a ROOT beer.
Wow, another match!
Chavo Guerrero vs. Kaval
Chavo starts off with some quick offense, but Kaval does
a clever leaping reverse mule kick out of the corner. Chavo gets in
another shot, but Kaval continues to kick away. Chavo tries to
fling Kaval out, but he spins through the ropes and gets
back in. In
the opposite corner, Chavo tries to toss Kaval again,
but Chavo ends up in a dragon sleeper. Eventually,
Chavo boots Kaval off the apron and beats on him outside
the ring.
Chavo tosses Kaval back in the ring and hits a
rolling senton splash. The match slows
a bit as Chavo locks on a rest hold, but Kaval fights
out. He
follows up with two forearm shots and some sweet kicks.
After Kaval misses a splash in the corner, Chavo
regains control and hits the Three Amigos. With Kaval down,
Chavo goes to the top rope, but misses the frog splash.
Chavo, however, rolls through, but runs into a
dropkick by Kaval.
Kaval pops Chavo in the corner with a rolling
Liger kick, but Chavo holds on when Kaval tries a
Frankensteiner.
Chavo goes back to the top and lands the frog
splash.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero
Rating:
That was a very good match. They should’ve
given these two a little more time, but I’ll take what I
can get. I
do like, however, that Daniel Bryan lost NXT and has a
belt, but Kaval is losing to a guy who was getting
beaten by a midget earlier this year…and he’s our next
BREAKOUT STAR!
After some more commercials, we’re reminded that Alberto
Del Rio injured Rey Mysterio. We’re also told
that Emmitt Smith’s beard is weird.
Alberto Del Rio is announced, and he arrives in a very
beautiful car.
Have I mentioned that I like this guy? I feel bad that
I called this guy a Salvatore Sincere retread. Tom Brandi
couldn’t lace this guy’s bootstraps.
After running down Christian and Rey again, Christian’s
music starts up and Captain Charisma gimps his way to
the ring.
He starts to beat on
Speaking of The Undertaker, he’s in the back and he
looks sad.
He’s probably got buyer’s remorse after marrying
Michelle McCool.
Well, this show is taking a turn for the worse, as the
next match is…
Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer vs. The Big
Show
Wow, handicap matches now? Welcome to
Jobberville…population, you two. I can’t say I’m
sad to see this, but it’s funny how these two couldn’t
even get into the tag team turmoil match at Night of
Champions.
Unlike the new champs, at least these two have
tagged together a double-digit number of times.
The match lasts about two minutes. Hawkins gets
destroyed, he tags out to Archer, and Archer taps out in
about 30 seconds.
Way to earn that check, Show.
Winner:
The Big Show
Rating:
Why
bother building these guys up if you’re just going to
job them out to one guy? I don’t believe
they deserved the push they got, but someone somewhere
did.
Apparently, that person came down from whatever
high they were on, ate a bag of Funyuns, and decided
these guys actually were crap and this is the result.
Hopefully, that’s the end of Hawkins and Archer.
After the match, the suck continues as Josh Matthews
interviews Jack Swagger and Hornswoggle steals his
stuff. That
was the opposite of funny.
Tonight is just chock full of wrestling action, as we
get yet another match.
CM Punk vs. Luke Gallows
So, is the SES done for good? That’s a bummer;
I thought it was a pretty good angle. I also wonder if
Luke Gallows is going to be a retarded mute again now
that he’s not under the tutelage of Punk.
In the ring, Gallows takes control early with typical
big man offense (punches and kicks). He also hits a
flapjack and a hip toss before choking Punk over the
ropes. Punk
stuns Gallows over the top rope and hits a spingboard
clothesline.
Punk follows by applying a front facelock. Gallows tries to
power out, so Punk tries a sunset flip, but Gallows
tries an elbow drop, but Punk moves…wow, nothing seems
to work.
Punk takes control with kicks aplenty and a
headbutt to Gallows’ midsection. Gallows fights
back with a boot, a clothesline, and a pair of punches.
He punctuates things with a splash in the corner and
another on the mat. After getting a
two count on a pin, Gallows hulks up, only to miss a
corner splash and fall prey to the GTS.
Winner: CM Punk
Rating:
That match was average, but the storyline was good and
both guys came out of it looking decent. I think this
breakup angle could play out a little longer…as long as
The Big Show isn’t involved anymore.
We to the back for the tenth time, and The Undertaker
still looks sad.
Wow, this guy does not take losing well.
Come on, WWE, do you want me to change the channel? It sucks that to
see one of my favorite wrestlers I have to put up with
this fat cow.
Kaitlyn makes things a little more tolerable, but
you can’t polish a turd.
Dolph Ziggler vs. MVP
Wow, this pairing is sorta’ random. Shouldn’t they
have a tournament to determine a number one contender or
something?
Anyway, the match starts up with some speedy takedowns
by MVP.
Some more quick back forth ends with Ziggler heading
outside to seek solace with Kaitlyn. Man, she has a
rock hard body.
MVP continues to stay in control, eventually
booting Ziggler back outside. I will say, for
as hot as Kaitlyn is, she’s an equally terrible actress.
She shoves Vickie down and apathetically walks to
the back, followed by Vickie. YES!! That just got an
extra point for this match! Ziggler is so
confused that he needs a commercial break to recover.
When we return, MVP misses his boot in the corner. Ziggler tries
for a rollup, but doesn’t get the win. He follows the
pin attempt with a series of kicks and a neckbreaker.
After a second failed cover, Dolph lands a flurry
of elbow drops.
Dolph stays in control with a half-nelson/rear
chinlock hold.
MVP gets to his feet and elbows his way out. Ziggler kicks
MVP in the stomach and sends him to the corner, only to
miss a splash.
MVP hits his belly-to-belly throw and a trifecta
of clotheslines.
He tosses Ziggler to the mat and goes for one of
his finishers, but Ziggler rolls him up for another two
count. MVP
hits a semi-exploder suplex and gets a two count
himself.
After that, MVP hits his Drive By boot in the
corner, but gets stunned by Ziggler over the top rope.
Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but MVP holds the
top rope.
MVP tries for the Ballin’ Elbow, but Ziggler
rolls to the outside. Ziggler decides
he’s had enough, so he takes his belt and leaves. So, Vickie
Guerrero is to Dolph Ziggler what Undertaker’s urn was
to Undertaker.
WWE + analogies = FUN!
Winner:
MVP (by DQ)
Rating:
That match was only okay to begin with, but the stupid
ending ruined everything.
Let’s focus on the wrestlers and not the fat cow
that’s only employed for pity’s sake, okay?
In the back, my two least favorite things come together
to piss me off...Hornswoggle and Vickie. In what could be
the FUNNIEST MOMENT IN WWE HISTORY, The Dudebusters lock
Vickie in the moving van and send her on her way. And by funniest
moment, I mean shitiest moment.
The Undertaker is still in the back and he’s still in
the purple stairway.
He tells someone to get lost, but he looks up and
seems surprised by who it is…Shawn Michaels? Paul
Bearer? Brother Love? Giant Gonzalez?
Katie Vick?
TELL ME!!
So, for the third week in a row, we’re going to have a
non-wrestling main event. This is getting
ridiculous.
Apparently, this is going to be another big
announcement by Kane. Wonderful.
I decide to fast forward through a few minutes of Kane’s
babbling (set to Final Fantasy music, no less). I push play in
time to hear that Kane is going to fight The Undertaker
at Hell in a Cell.
CUE THE DRUIDS!!
The
lights turn from red to blue and the Final Fantasy music
is changed to chanting as the FCW druids roll a coffin
to the ring.
It would be awesome if The Ultimate Warrior were
in that damn thing.
Kane talks to the coffin for a bit before opening it to
reveal Paul Bearer and the urn. Wow, he hasn’t
changed one damned bit! He actually
looks better than The Undertaker does! I guess being
encased in cement preserves a guy! Kane better call
Kama, The Ultimate Fighting Machine! They can work
together to get that urn back!
The Undertaker kneels before the urn and we’re out.
Okay, that was a pretty cool reveal. I’m not thrilled
that they couldn’t have an actual match as a main event,
but that was actually a satisfying conclusion.
Before we head back to last week’s show, let me hand out
some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night Award: Alberto Del Rio
is still awesome, and Kaval and Chavo put on a good,
albeit short, match. Paul Bearer’s
return was kinda’ cool, too.
The Not So Great Thing of the Night: Well, the
non-match main event was the frontrunner (until the
Bearer reveal), but Vickie Guerrero and a half dozen
Hornswoggle skits both take home prizes instead.
Well, now we’re going to hop in the Delorean and crank
that sucker to 88 MPH…we’re going BACK IN TIME!!!
SmackDown Recap for September 17, 2010
Since
we’re going back in time, I’m going to use my old “Doc
Brown” rating system…and my Back to the Future theme for
the recap.
I’m also going to trim down the match reviews,
just because I’m doing this all in one night and I’m
already getting tired.
We start the show with Christian and The Peep Show. The show is
instantly made more awesome by the arrival of Alberto
Del Rio and his Spanish-speaking announcer guy. After some funny
back-and-forth (Christian calls
Tonight, we’re going to see The Hart Dynasty vs. Cody
Rhodes and Drew McIntyre.
Robin Hood’s out on DVD.
In the deleted scenes, watch him hit the Sheriff
of Nottingham with a phone!
The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya’s beautiful
chesticles) vs. Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes
Power guys start out and tie up a lot. Some nice moves
from both guys, including a powerslam by Smith and a
jawbreaker by McIntyre. Eventually, both
men tag out and Kidd and Rhodes have a go.
After the break, the momentum of the match springs back
and forth.
Kidd starts off strong, but McIntyre gains control. Kidd does some
super-sweet moves, but ends up getting shoved off the
apron. The
heels take over with basic heel offense and focus their
attacks on Kidd’s arm. Finally,
McIntyre tries for his double underhook DDT, but Kidd
reverses into a neck breaker. Both men make
tags, with Smith mowing
Winners: Drew McIntyre
and Cody Rhodes
Rating:
That was really good stuff, mostly by Tyson Kidd and
Nattie’s chest.
That was one of the best matches I’ve seen on WWE TV in
a while.
After some commercials and a brief mention that WWE is
on Facebook, we head back to the ring.
Kofi Kingston (The Non-Jamaican African)
vs. Jack Swagger (The All-American American)
Swagger tries some college wrestling to start, but Kofi
has none of it.
Essentially, this match pits the brawling and
grappling style of Swagger against the speed and agility
of
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Rating:
That match was even better than the last. While
Next, a Hornswoggle skit…let’s move on.
Since I guess they need to balance good with bad, let’s
continue with bad…
Rosa Mendes and Kelly Kelly (with Naomi?
Who?) vs. LayCool (with Kaval? Still? Really?)
Man,
Well, on to the match…lots of screaming, bad wrestling,
and bad “performing” by the heel team. Oh yeah, and
Spanish speaking from
Winner:
LayCool
Rating:
A half star each for
I cannot believe KFC is still selling that disgusting
chicken-on-chicken sandwich. I’m no health
freak, but even I have to draw the line at something
that’s all fried, fat, and calories. Who designs food
for KFC, Jabba the Hutt?
After the break, we’re treated to a video package on the
Six-Pack Challenge. It’s awesome to
see Sheamus in a video package with the likes of Hulk
Hogan, Bret Hart, The Rock, and Shawn Michaels. Doesn’t anyone
in
In the back, LayCool bores me to tears. Why can’t they
do skits with people I give a crap about?
CM Punk vs. Christian
This match gets a bonus for Alberto Del Rio joining us
on commentary.
The match starts very quickly with Christian going for a
series of covers.
Punk fights back and mocks Christian. Christian,
however, fights back with a punch and his “stand on my
opponent’s back while his neck is draped over the middle
rope” move.
Punk, however, hits a knee to the midsection and
takes things over.
As is the case with most matches, things go back
and forth until CM Punk dropkicks Christian to the
outside.
After the commercial, Christian escapes from a
leg scissors, only to get locked in an abdominal
stretch.
Christian tries to escape that, but Punk
clotheslines him and follows that with a backbreaker.
After a bit, the two men clunk heads and they both end
up laid out.
The pace picks up from here, with Christian taking the
advantage with a flying uppercut. Punk tries for
the GTS, but Christian escapes. Some pin
attempts follow, but neither man can get the win. Punk hits the
Pepsi One in the corner, but Christian manages to hit
the reverse DDT drop.
Winner: CM Punk
Rating:
That match was also good. It was a little
slow at times, but there was definitely a lot of action.
After the match,
After the final commercials, I’m reminded that this is
the fourth or fifth show in a row with a main event
that’s just a stupid segment that involves Kane and/or
Undertaker babbling about hell, Satan, sins, and other
semi-blasphemous nonsense.
I fast forward through most of Kane’s soliloquy, which I
assume is boring.
Eventually, The Undertaker comes out, only to get
beaten up by Kane.
I’ve had enough of this feud.
Now, I’m going to stick to the theme and present some
old school awards.
The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Three great matches on
one show!
The Biff Tannen Butthead Award:
The divas match and another non-match main event.on-match main event.
Wow, I’m beat.
I’ll never skip another recap, no matter how busy
I am. I’m
off to bed.
I hope you all have a “great” weekend.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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