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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

September 23, 2011


“Great” Scott’s SmackDown Recap for September 23, 2011

Yes, folks, it has been a while since I’ve done my duty here for TWF. Recent events have conspired to prevent me from doing my recaps. Two weeks ago, I was on a vacation cruise in the Caribbean, and when I returned, my laptop crapped out slightly afterwards. Now, I’m back and I have a functioning laptop, so I’m ready to continue to bring you the very…most mediocre…in sports entertainment recaps.

Speaking of mediocre, the show starts with the SmackDown roster surrounding the ring. (Hey, is that Brodus Clay?!?!) John Laryngitis is in the ring with a mic. Seriously, could they think of anyone worse to have a speaking role on WWE television? He makes Tone Loc sound like Tiny Tim. Man, it sounds like someone chopped him straight in the windpipe. It makes my skin crawl to listen to him talk.

Anyway, after Johnny McGravelvoice gets done with his talk, he announces Mark Henry. Looking at the wrestlers gathered at ringside, I realize that the SmackDown roster is chock FULL of jobbers. Man, JTG, Tyson Kidd, Yoshi Tatsu, The Great Khali, The Usos, and a few guys I can’t even name…it’s like Jobbers R’ Us in this joint.

Mark Henry talks for about 30 seconds before HHH decides that the guy they put the strap on isn’t worth listening to. Wow, way to put over your active wrestlers, WWE. HHH wants Henry to shake his hand, but Henry’s having none of it. Uh oh, Mark, enjoy that belt while you can…

HHH says some stuff to Mark Henry we can’t hear and then takes the mic from him. Thankfully, Christian interrupts HHH at least for a few seconds. He kisses HHH’s ass for a bit, and then proceeds to mock Mark Henry’s marketability. He punctuates his speech by saying that he deserves a title shot. HHH takes the mic back and makes a lumberjack match of Christian vs. Mark Henry. The winner of the match will face Randy Orton the next PPV. Fun.

In the back, apparently, Sheamus was too good to come out with the other WWE superstars…he’s in a beautifully wood-paneled locker room, and he has a match NEXT!

Sheamus vs. Heath Slater

The WWE shouldn’t promote ginger-on-ginger violence! Don’t be a ginger-beater, be a STAR!

Sheamus starts by backing Slater to the corner. He gives him a clean break because he’s a good guy ginger now. Slater tries to take control with a side headlock, but Sheamus is having none of it. Slater makes the mistake of shoving Sheamus, so Sheamus beats the crap out of him. Slater tries to escape through the ropes and Sheamus rewards him by hitting his clubbing shots to the chest and landing a knee. Sheamus continues the beating inside the ring, but Slater gets a shot in and then hits a neck breaker. Slater stays in control for a little bit with some basic offense and a rear chinlock. Sheamus makes his way to his feet, and escapes the hold, but some back and forth leads to a nice leaping neck breaker from Slater. Slater goes for a pair of pins before getting frustrated and smacking Sheamus in the head. Sheamus gets in two clotheslines, but runs into a boot on a corner charge. Slater, however, runs right into a powerslam. Sheamus follows that with the Big Bossman leg drop while his opponent’s in the ropes. Sheamus finishes things off with a diving shoulderblock and a Brogue Kick.

Winner: Sheamus

Rating:

That match was okay. It was a tad generic, but not offensive by any means.

After the match, Christian tries to enlist The Great Khali to help him in the lumberjack match. The Great Khali insults Christian’s penis size…I think.

Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel

Wow, it’s a Nexus/Corre reunion tonight.

I think Justin Gabriel is the new Max Moon! If you don’t know what that means, you’ll have to Google it.

Barrett starts things off with power moves, culminating with a big boot that sends Gabriel to the floor. After a failed pin attempt, Gabriel sends Barrett to the floor and then hits a sweet over-the-top-rope senton. He rolls Barrett back in the ring and hits a picture-perfect moonsault off the ropes. Gabriel continues to stay in control with an STO and then heads to apron. Before he can get to the top rope to hit his 450 splash, Barrett boots the bejeezus out of him. Barrett rolls Gabriel back in the ring and hits Wasteland to get the win.

Winner: Wade Barrett

Rating:

Okay, this match essentially had very little flow and was way too short, but the moves were relatively crisp and the match wasn’t boring, so I’ll round up on the score.

Wow, back to back commercials for HHH’s movie, and the movie about giant rock-em’ sock-em’ robots…does Hollywood have ANY good ideas left?

After the commercial break, Randy Orton speaks slowly and monosyllabically.

After a Hell in a Cell rundown, we head to the back again…where Christian is trying to recruit Ezekiel Jackson to help him fight Mark Henry.

This RAGE game looks interesting. I’m trying to decide if it’s more like Fallout (which I loved) or Borderlands (which I hated).

AJ and Kaitlyn vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya

Kaitlyn starts with Natalya. Kaitlyn gets in a sub-par dropkick, but the heels pretty much dominate. After a double suplex, Natalya tags out to Beth. Beth rubs Kaitlyn’s face in the mat, but Kaitlyn gets off some punches and tags to AJ. AJ uses her speed to beat up on Beth, and she looks like a 12-year old while doing it. She actually hits a relatively competent-looking shining wizard that gets her a two count. Natalya makes the save, but Kaitlyn takes her out of the picture. In the ring, AJ tries to leap over a Beth Phoenix corner charge, but is caught and booted in the midsection. One Glam Slam later and this match is over.

Winners: Beth Phoenix and Natalya

Rating:

I’m rating this on a “divas’ match” scale. The match, surprisingly, wasn’t terrible. Kaitlyn and AJ show far more promise than Kelly Kelly does…even now.

Denny’s now has a patty melt with macaroni and cheese on it…because Americans need to get fatter…and have more heart attacks.

The WWE network…coming in 2012. Tune in on Monday nights for The Boris Zhukov hour.

Ugh…I knew this show was too tolerable so far.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody Rhodes works the knee and cheats a lot. Since Orton can’t win all the time, he takes Cody’s mask and hits him with it, drawing the DQ. And then, since he didn’t win the match, he completely destroys Rhodes, to make sure he looks unbeatable and another WWE performer looks like a complete tool. Seriously, why don’t they just keep three or four unbeatable wrestlers (HHH, Cena, and Orton) on the roster and just have them fight each other all the time?

Winner: Cody Rhodes (by DQ)

Rating:

I’ll give this match a one-star rating simply because Randy Orton didn’t actually kill Cody Rhodes and eat his insides. Funny how there’s a no blood rule, but Orton’s allowed to draw about six pints of blood (whether on purpose or on accident) and it’s okay. Best part? Orton’s a FACE!

Back in the back, Christian tries to get Sheamus to help him against Mark Henry…by giving him a potato. Awesome. Sheamus takes a bite out of it and spits it out…because it’s from Idaho. Potato humor = ratings.

Man, Randy Orton is the harbinger of terrible wrestling…

The Great Khali vs. Jinder Mahal

Man, this angle lasted all of like two weeks. Because face Khali is what the people want!

Mahal wants Khali to lie down, but Khali’s having none of it. Mahal gets in a couple of shots before Khali takes over with one of the loudest chops I’ve ever heard. Mahal hits the mat and rolls out of the ring. Khali turns his back, so Mahal tries to sneak back in, but Khali catches him. Mahal escapes from the Punjabi Plunge and starts kicking away at Khali’s knee. Mahal hits a DDT and a leaping knee drop and tries for a pin that gets two. Mahal applies a front face lock, from which Khali quickly escapes. Mahal runs into a pair of clotheslines and then eats a punch from Khali. Mahal tries to fight back, but Khali hoists him up into a sloppy Punjabi Plunge. Khali pins Mahal with one foot.

Winner: The Great Khali

Rating:

Ugh, that was terrible. To top it off, they couldn’t even have the right guy win…way to push the new talent.

Last week on SmackDown, Sin Cara fought Sin Cara…and I missed it. Bummer.

Sin Cara vs. Daniel Bryan

Again? They really can’t find anything better to do with Daniel Bryan than have him fight Sin Cara 50 times?

Bryan takes control early with a side headlock. Some chain wrestling follows, with Sin Cara eventually hitting a flying cross body. Bryan immediately retaliates with a modified German suplex. After some back and forth, Sin Cara botches a back elbow off the ropes, because he wouldn’t be Sin Cara if he didn’t botch stuff up.

Bryan rolls to the outside, and Sin Cara runs the apron and hits a flying head scissors that sends Bryan into the steps. Sin Cara rolls Bryan back in the ring and heads to the top. While the ref’s back is turned, Sin Cara 2 shoves Sin Cara 1 off the top rope. Sin Cara 2 proceeds to kick Bryan in the head and hit a top rope senton to get the win. Sigh.

Winner: Sin Caras 1 and 2

Rating:

This angle is terrible…just like it was when they did it with fake Diesel and Razor Ramon and fake Undertaker. If only they did this angle with Battle Kat, it would’ve been awesome. Again, another Google opportunity for you young `uns. Anyway, you can tell that these two (three?) guys are getting sick of this angle…the matches are getting worse as they go. I don’t mind botches when the matches are exciting, but botches AND boring matches aren’t a good combination.

Back to the back, Christian tries to enlist Randy Orton to help him, but gets Zack Ryder instead. Christian fails at recruiting Ryder (bummer), but then thinks better of trying to recruit Orton.

Batman: Arkham City looks like it’s going to be a pretty good game.

Denny’s is selling a mozzarella stick sandwich…fantastic. I’m no health nut, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.

Air Boom vs. The (Dancin’) Usos

I predict that the team miscues will start coming in two weeks and that these two teams will break up before the end of the year because WWE has tag team ADD. Bourne starts off with Jey Uso. Jimmy Uso quickly blind tags in and the Usos catch Bourne on a springboard cross body. Jey remains in the ring to hit a side slam. Another tags leads to a Demolion-esque double team move. Still another tag and a double team Rikishi stinkface. Bourne fights back and tags to Kingston, while the Usos make the tag as well. Kingston unleashes his style over substance offense, but misses a corner splash on whichever Uso is in the ring (I lost track). The Uso, however, charges, and runs right into the Kingston upside down kick. Kingston follows with a high cross body, and then prevents the other Uso from interfering. Unfortunately, he ends up walking right into a thrust kick from the legal Uso, who gets a two count on the follow-up pin attempt. The Usos try for their toss up Samoan drop, but Kingston manages (to botch) a flying head scissors to escape. He ends up nailing one of the Usos with Trouble in Paradise, and then tags to Bourne, who hits Air Bourne to win.

Winners: Air Boom

Rating:

That match was kinda’ terrible. Honestly, Kingston and Bourne really have no chemistry. They don’t do any double team moves and they don’t really compliment each other very well. I guess any tag team is better than no tag team. The Usos actually looked a little better than normal, though.

On the RAW Rebound, Hugh Jackman arrived on RAW to shill his new movie and make Dolph Ziggler look like an idiot (again).

Well…it’s time for the “main event.”

Christian vs. Mark Henry

Hey, is that Percy Watson? Why did he still Johnny B. Badd’s boots? Where’s Sheamus? Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Why am I asking so many QUESTIONS?!?

Seriously, though, if Henry goes out of the ring, it’ll take at least six of those lumberjacks to get him back in the ring.

Oops…time for a pre-match commercial.

Okay, we’re back, and Christian immediately tries to run away. The two men tie up, but Henry immediately slams him to the mat. Christian tries a go behind, but Henry smashes him in the corner, twice. Christian finally ducks a clothesline, and fires off some shots, but Henry no sells and tosses him to the floor. On the floor, Jackson looks to be helping Christian, but then hits a knee lift and rolls him back in. I like how Jackson is standing right next to Slater and Barrett and they don’t remember that they hate each other. Awesome.

Back in the ring, Henry stomps away at Christrian and then applies the fan man nerve hold. Christian escapes, only to get thrown 10 feet in the air. Henry follows up by reapplying the fat man nerve hold. Christian kicks Henry a couple times and then tries for his leaping sunset flip. Unforuntately, he leaps right into a Mark Henry bearhug. Did Josh just say the “quickness of Mark Henry?” Finally, Christian fights back with a long series of punches and a clothesline, and then a second clothesline. Henry reverses an Irish whip, but Christian catches him with both boots in the corner. He follows up with a dropkick, but still can’t drop Henry. Christian goes to the top rope and hits another dropkick that finally puts Henry on the mat. This gets Christian a two count. Christian stupidly goes for the Killswitch, but Henry elbows his way out. Christian runs into a standing splash. Christian continues to fight back and goes for another sunset flip. Henry tries to sit on him, but Christian moves. Henry rolls to the outside and the lumberjacks attack. Henry defeats the entire roster and then throws Trent Barretta on half the guys standing at ringside. Christian, who Henry pulled outside of the ring, decides he’s going to leave. Sheamus, who must not have appreciated the potato, comes down the ramp to throw Christian back in the ring. Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam to finish off Christian.

Winner: Mark Henry

Rating:

Eh, that match wasn’t horrible. I don’t appreciate WWE jobbing out the entire roster to a guy who really shouldn’t be getting a push this late in his career…especially considering he hasn’t done anything to deserve it.

After the match, Randy Orton trots down to make weird faces. Randy Orton proceeds to make Henry look like a fool. What’s new?

That’s it for this evening. That was fun.

The Really Great Thing of the Night: Christian gives Sheamus a potato.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Randy Orton and Mark Henry manage to make the entire SmackDown roster look impotent. Randy Orton nearly kills Cody Rhodes.

That’s it for this week. Sorry for the two-week hiatus. I should be good for the foreseeable future. Thanks for your patience!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).