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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(09/18/09)
BY IAN SPARKE

Wazzaaap. I guess Breaking Point was sort of okay, right? Kind of average. I actually kind of enjoyed the Punk/Undertaker screwjob, it sorta makes sense to have Taker at least wait a while before getting the title again. Plus it's extra heat for Punk. So now we have a heel Teddy Long. Oh-kay. Worst news ever came this week too of course - Batista's switched to SmackDown. FUUUUUCK. Possibly my least favourite wrestler of the modern age. I am not looking forward to writing about this lunkhead one bit. Guh. I predict he'll be opening the show here tonight. Let's see...

Well, here's a limo. And out of it steps... Teddy Long. Lots of boos. He has a bunch of developmental guys dressed as bodyguards too. Ha. The 'anti-taker squad'. Man, talking of boos, how crappy was the crowd at Breaking Point? Pathetic! C'mon Montreal, live it up! Ugggghhhhh. Yeah, I was right. Here's DAVE, looking positively 'chill' wearing jeans and a white shirt - missing the cue for his pyro by a good three seconds. He high-fives people and jogs around like a retard (even running right up to the camera to go "AAAAAAARGH!" which cracked me up). JR says Batista has 'always felt more comfortable on SmackDown' - yeah, that's because he's had about three billion World Title shots; on Raw he only got about two. God he sucks. A tiny, tiny 'Batista' chant starts. He calls SmackDown the A-show (which is true) and says he can't wait to get started. This, hilariously, brings out Chris Jericho. The master of belittlement strides out in a suit, presumably leaving Big Show to keep his eye on dinner. He says Batista makes him sick, just like 'that other injury-prone loser, Edge'. He mouths off while Batista just stands there grinning moronically like he's waiting for a bowl of soup. Batista says Jericho will be facing him tonight, then spinebusters him before leaving. That was dumb and pointless. I guess Batista needs a feud. Jericho storms backstage and confronts Big Show (also wearing a suit) - "where were you!" etc. Jericho says he's gonna face Batista on his own tonight. After the break, an interview with referee Scott Armstrong! Wow, never thought I'd ever type that.
 

 
ADVERTISING.

BACK and Dolph's out for 'commentary' duties. He's facing John Morrison at Hell In A Cell for the IC title. Morrison's out, and he's facing Mike Knox. Cool.

Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs Mike Knox

Mike gets a little promo (with his beard neatly tied up) talking about 'restless leg syndrome' which makes no sense at all. Morrison stards with a headlock but Knox quickly hosses out of it with punches and kicks. Knox catches Morrison's leg, throws it downward but Morrison keeps the leg going and does a crazy roundhouse kick to Knox's face. Nice. Nice bicycle kick follows, before Knox gets thrown over the top. Morrison hits a very nice springboard moonsault to the outside, hitting Knox and landing squarely on his feet. Man, this guy just gets better and better. ADVERTISING.

BACK and the evil powers of the ad break have forced Morrison into a headlock. Actually it was Knox shoving Morrison into the ring post, which looked cool. Ziggler's just putting himself over and saying he's the rightful owner of the IC title, etc etc. He's a decent talker. Stiff big boot by Knox gets two. Knox hits a backbreaker followed by a stretch. Knox lifts Morrison up for another backbreaker and looks generally badass. Knox lifts Morrison for a third backbreaker but Morrison flips it around into a beautiful tornado DDT, for two. Low dropkick by Morrison and a fantastic leg lariat, followed by a running knee and standing SSP for two. Perfectly done, and perfectly sold by Knox, too. Good match, this. Knox hits his huge crossbody out of nowhere from across the ring for two. Dolph amusingly says he can't stand people with big egos. Morrison escapes a headlock and hits the Chuck and a slightly screwy Starship Pain (he went too low and landed on his side) for three. Very solid little match.
Winner: John Morrison

Knox is bundled away quietly and Morrison grabs a mic, bringing up the 'Mr. Ziggles' chant again. Dolph leaves, annoyed, as Morrison poses. JR says their match could be the show-stealer at Hell In A Cell, and I agree.

Recap of the Punk/Taker screwjob, yada yada, with the focus on Armstrong escaping. So we have an evil ref now too? Ah, here's Josh Matthews to find out. Armstrong looks nervous as hell, saying he's not proud of what he did, and he did what he had to in order to keep his job. Okay. ADVERTISING.

BACK and Batista/Jericho is indeed our main event. Diva time! I guess it's best to get them out of the way early. And at least it's Melina, looking pretty good in a new pink getup. Her opponent is a limping, dead-eyed tramp by the name of Michelle McCool.

Melina vs Women's Champion Michelle McCool

McCool's music makes me want to stab myself in the face. General Diva catch-as-catch-can-with-screaming to begin with. McCool sucks. The predictable bendy spot comes with a dragon sleeper on Melina, which she tries to escape with a knee but McCool shoves her to the ground. McCool is dominating, even though she's got her knee in a brace. Yes, that makes sense. Ah, but she missed a baseball slide, landing on her bad knee. Outside, Melina screams a bit and gets some offense in. Why does she have to scream so much? Unfortunate fools in the crowd are chanting 'we want Trish'. God, McCool can't even run across the ring properly. Melina ducks a kick with a 'matrix' thing but then just gets kicked again for two. McCool hoists Melina up for some shit, but Melina turns it into a sunset flip/powerbomb thing shortly after for the win. That was boring.
Winner: Melina

TO THE BACK and it's muttering time! Teddy Long (plus bodyguards) is cornered by McMahon who wants his picture on Long's wall... uh, okay. I guess Batista was the big thing Long hinted at last week, which McMahon likes very much because he's dumb, but he wants to know why Long doublecrossed the Undertaker. He basically sends Teddy ou t to apologise as we go to ADVERTISING.

BACK and here's Long, surrounded by ten 'bodyguards'. We get another Breaking Point recap, before Long sucks it up. He admits that the screwjob was pre-planned, to prevent Taker from winning the title. Well, duh. He says he's afraid of the Undertaker. Well, duh. Punk's name gets a sea of boos. He says times are tough, he has a family to take care of. He apologises a lot. The crowd doesn't care. He says he hopes the Undertaker can find it in his heart to forgive him. Awww. Long escapes with his guards without incident. The camera follows him back to his limo until.... wow. Yeah. The doors locked on their own, the Undertaker was in the driver's seat saying 'buckle up, Teddy', Long gave a hilarious "OH NO!" face, his voice went all distorted, and the limo filled up with smoke and purple light and drove away. That was just jaw-droppingly stupid. That was a precision-engineered piece of Wrestlecrap. Wow. ADVERTISING.

BACK and a recap was not necessary of what we just saw, Teddy's o-face is now burned into my brain. Punk is out now, to a maelstrom of boos. Punk is impressively over as a heel, man. He goes over the I-told-ya-so's regarding beating and banishing Jeff, and then making Taker tap out. He says he came out to "stick my World Championship in his face, and say - I told ya so!". Punk is just brilliantly smarmy. A very brief 'CM Punk' chant starts and stops. He talks about being righteous rather than self-righteous before laying into the crowd in his usual way. Man... are drugs really that readily available in the US? I should go more often. A "buuullshiiiit" chant starts up. He calls himself "a prophet... the choice of a new generation" etc etc. Amazing he's not been interrupted yet. He wraps up by saying he's better than anybody else, and I guess that was a decent promo, but it really didn't go anywhere, as Taker's busy giving Teddy Long a hell ride into the
 hellish bowels of hell or whatever. ADVERTISING

BACK. AAAARRGGGHH. Khali vs Kane, tonight. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THIS IS THE WORST FEUD EVER. DIE. Oh well, it's Cryme Tyme. The following exchange cracks me up. JR: "you know what I really like about Cryme Tyme?" Tard: "...their jeans?"

Cryme Tyme w/ Eve Torres vs The Hart Dynasty, part 127

We are of course in Canadia, so the Harts get something of a pop - there is a 'welcome home' chant. Wow. Anyway, Smith and Shad start it off with some hossing. I don't think the Harts have had any mic time at all since they've been on SmackDown, rendering this feud pretty bland. Smith beats Shad down, then taunts JTG with the gayest 'gangsta' moves I've ever seen. "Elaine from Seinfeld" says Tard. Cryme Tyme double-team Smith, JTG dropkicks him to the outside before Shad press-slams Kidd as we go to ADVERTISING.

BACK and I guess Cryme Tyme are pretty much playing the heels here, but the crowd are pretty blah, neither booing nor openly cheering either team. What happened to Canada? Smith is hossing all over Shad once more. Kidd tags in, leading to a nice leg trip/low dropkick combo. Soon Shad's in one of Kidd's trademark screaming headlocks. JTG actually succeeds in getting some audience clapping going, but it fades away after about two seconds. Harts dominate Shad for a LONG time. JTG gives Shad sage advice such as "fight out of that headlock". Suddenly Kidd almost gets his head taken off by a Stan Hansen tribute clothesline, and JTG is in. JTG smartly heels it up - the crowd are openly booing him. JR then spits out one of the dumbest things he's ever said: "A win for Cryme Tyme over the Harts in Canada would be controversial, like Keeany West". Tard corrects JR on the pronunciation, which must feel damn good. Anyway, we suddenly have a clusterfuck, but JTG and Kidd are still legal. Natalya attempts to interfere but is stopped by Eve, as Kidd hits a nice blockbuster on JTG for the hometown win.
Winners: The Hart Dynasty

Soap opera time, and if you recall last week, Layla took a 'compromising' picture of Dolph and Michelle McCool, and Melina has just found lots of copies of that picture plastered all over a dressing room. Oh no! Who cares! Maria inevitably walks in too, and gets the wrong end of the stick, accusing Melina of putting the pictures up and bah humbug who cares. Out of the frying pan and into the ADVERTISING.

BACK and a silly recap of the stupid WWE Title match at Breaking Point (fuck RAW) precedes the inevitable stinker of the week... sigh...

The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh vs Kane

This is seriously the worst feud ever. Some kids are dancing to Khali's music. Canadians. Some other idiots are holding signs saying 'Khali - kiss me'... good god, he hasn't done that for about nine months. Do they have television in Canadia? JR insists that Kane is a CERTIFIABLE monster. "Write that down! CERTIFIABLE!". So Kane has a certificate saying he is officially a monster. I kinda like that. Khali does some chops and JR and Tard immediately leap into hyperbole-land. "hands the size of a laptop computer!" says Tard. Things quickly spill outside the ring and Kane cracks Khali with a chair and gets disqualified. pqw[3uoh4igvgjeplrih kill me.
Winner by DQ: The Great Khali

Khali is apparently out cold, and Kane "crushes" Khali's leg with the steps as I remember that Khali is apparently taking some time off for a legit knee problem. Thank fuck. Khali "writhes in pain" as some crazy fan says "See No Evil?! You're full of evil! Khali is my father!" or something. Wow. Anyway, Kane actually gets a few cheers for this merciful act, and smiles like a retard as he realises that this piece of shit feud is OVER. For now. ADVERTISING.

BACK and It's HAAS TIME. HAAS OF PAIN. Yeah. Anyway, he's facing R-Truth. Oh, wait. Truth's music hits, but Drew McIntyre strides out to the ring, grabbing a mic and telling us that apparently Truth was in an accident, can't compete, and awards the match to Haas by forfeit. They shake hands, and McIntyre just attacks Haas anyway, hitting a double-arm DDT thing before leaving. Okay. Can we see the guy in an actual match please? MORE ADVERTISING.

BACK and we see ANOTHER recap of Teddy Long's limo nightmare which is still pretty funny third time round. It is of course main event time, and as we have less than ten minutes of show left, it's bound to be a classic.

Chris Jericho vs Batista

Okay, Canadia boos Cryme Tyme for having Canadian opponents, yet Batista gets a huge pop. He misses his machine-gun cue again, by the way. JR says Batista has "great strength, and tremendous explosion". Yes. Batista makes Jericho look really quite comically tiny. He catches a Jericho bodypress and turns it into a powerslam. Suddenly the crowd's dead, as they realise how shitty Batista is, and how he has the same fucking match every time with everybody. Batista is DESTROYED by a low dropkick to the knee, followed by another which puts him outside. A quiet 'Y2J' chant starts. DAVE is down for literally 30 seconds from this as we cut to Big Amish Lawyer backstage watching the proceedings. A fan shouts "you're the best, Jericho". DAVE gets his head rammed into the announce table (which I guess is pretty much completely legal nowadays) and Jericho then takes charge with various kicks. He isn't concentrating on attacking DAVE's arm, because that would make far too much sense. He dominates before being caught in a sidewalk slam. Then an elbow. Tard: "Batista has more strength in his right hand than most people do in their whole body. So, a bum knee isn't gonna take Batista out of this match". Of course. Jericho's heeling it up but is still getting cheered. He goes for the Lionsault but DAVE moves, Jericho lands on his feet and eats a spinebuster. Jericho slips out of the Batista Bomb and lands a quick knee followed by an enzuigiri for two. Jericho then rather stupidly climbs up to the top, yelling 'get up, Batista!' (yes, this works every time) before leaping into a really shitty 'forearm' ("...a clothesline of sorts" - JR). Batista runs across the ring, Jericho sidesteps and DAVE eats the post. Rollup with feet on the ropes gets two. Solid "Y2J" chant. This is funny. DAVE's big return match - against Chris Jericho, in Canadia. GREAT booking. Jericho escapes the Batista Bomb again and slaps on the Walls. Batista powers out though (to boos). Jericho goes for a Codebreaker, but DAVE just catches him and lifts him into a Batista Bomb for the win. Pfft.
Winner: Batista

Well, Teest is totally blown up after that eight-minute epic. God, he's crap. Big Amish Lawyer is wringing his hands backstage. Matthews approaches him with a mic. Show says Batista got lucky, but hints that he may face him himself next week. Golly, don't forget to tune in for that!

YES: Morrison/Knox was good. Punk's promo was alright. Cryme Tyme/Harts was inoffensive...

NO: Everything else was shit, really. DAVE is back, and I am quietly praying to every god I can think of that he gets injured again sharpish. He is fucking useless.

WHAT?: Canadia doesn't seem to know that you cheer the GOOD GUYS. And of course - Teddy Long's crazy limo ride of doooom!

Yeah. That was the worst SmackDown in quite some time. I'm Ian Sparke, and it's time for noodles.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).