guess Breaking Point was sort of okay, right? Kind
of average. I actually kind of enjoyed the
Punk/Undertaker screwjob, it sorta makes sense to
have Taker at least wait a while before getting the
title again. Plus it's extra heat for Punk. So now
we have a heel Teddy Long. Oh-kay. Worst news ever
came this week too of course - Batista's switched to
SmackDown. FUUUUUCK. Possibly my least favourite
wrestler of the modern age. I am not looking forward
to writing about this lunkhead one bit. Guh. I
predict he'll be opening the show here tonight.
Well, here's a limo. And out of
it steps... Teddy Long. Lots of boos. He has a bunch
of developmental guys dressed as bodyguards too. Ha.
The 'anti-taker squad'. Man, talking of boos, how
crappy was the crowd at Breaking Point? Pathetic!
C'mon Montreal, live it up! Ugggghhhhh. Yeah, I was
right. Here's DAVE, looking positively 'chill'
wearing jeans and a white shirt - missing the cue
for his pyro by a good three seconds. He high-fives
people and jogs around like a retard (even running
right up to the camera to go "AAAAAAARGH!" which
cracked me up). JR says Batista has 'always felt
more comfortable on SmackDown' - yeah, that's
because he's had about three billion World Title
shots; on Raw he only got about two. God he sucks. A
tiny, tiny 'Batista' chant starts. He calls
SmackDown the A-show (which is true) and says he
can't wait to get started. This, hilariously, brings
out Chris Jericho. The master of belittlement
strides out in a suit, presumably leaving Big Show
to keep his eye on dinner. He says Batista makes him
sick, just like 'that other injury-prone loser,
Edge'. He mouths off while Batista just stands there
grinning moronically like he's waiting for a bowl of
soup. Batista says Jericho will be facing him
tonight, then spinebusters him before leaving. That
was dumb and pointless. I guess Batista needs a
feud. Jericho storms backstage and confronts Big
Show (also wearing a suit) - "where were you!" etc.
Jericho says he's gonna face Batista on his own
tonight. After the break, an interview with referee
Scott Armstrong! Wow, never thought I'd ever type
BACK and Dolph's
out for 'commentary' duties. He's facing John
Morrison at Hell In A Cell for the IC title.
Morrison's out, and he's facing Mike Knox. Cool.
Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs Mike
Mike gets a little promo (with
his beard neatly tied up) talking about 'restless
leg syndrome' which makes no sense at all. Morrison
stards with a headlock but Knox quickly hosses out
of it with punches and kicks. Knox catches
Morrison's leg, throws it downward but Morrison
keeps the leg going and does a crazy roundhouse kick
to Knox's face. Nice. Nice bicycle kick follows,
before Knox gets thrown over the top. Morrison hits
a very nice springboard moonsault to the outside,
hitting Knox and landing squarely on his feet. Man,
this guy just gets better and better. ADVERTISING.
BACK and the evil powers of the ad break have forced
Morrison into a headlock. Actually it was Knox
shoving Morrison into the ring post, which looked
cool. Ziggler's just putting himself over and saying
he's the rightful owner of the IC title, etc etc.
He's a decent talker. Stiff big boot by Knox gets
two. Knox hits a backbreaker followed by a stretch.
Knox lifts Morrison up for another backbreaker and
looks generally badass. Knox lifts Morrison for a
third backbreaker but Morrison flips it around into
a beautiful tornado DDT, for two. Low dropkick by
Morrison and a fantastic leg lariat, followed by a
running knee and standing SSP for two. Perfectly
done, and perfectly sold by Knox, too. Good match,
this. Knox hits his huge crossbody out of nowhere
from across the ring for two. Dolph amusingly says
he can't stand people with big egos. Morrison
escapes a headlock and hits the Chuck and a slightly
screwy Starship Pain (he went too low and landed on
his side) for three. Very solid little match.
Knox is bundled away quietly and
Morrison grabs a mic, bringing up the 'Mr. Ziggles'
chant again. Dolph leaves, annoyed, as Morrison
poses. JR says their match could be the show-stealer
at Hell In A Cell, and I agree.
Recap of the
Punk/Taker screwjob, yada yada, with the focus on
Armstrong escaping. So we have an evil ref now too?
Ah, here's Josh Matthews to find out. Armstrong
looks nervous as hell, saying he's not proud of what
he did, and he did what he had to in order to keep
his job. Okay. ADVERTISING.
Batista/Jericho is indeed our main event. Diva time!
I guess it's best to get them out of the way early.
And at least it's Melina, looking pretty good in a
new pink getup. Her opponent is a limping, dead-eyed
tramp by the name of Michelle McCool.
Melina vs Women's Champion Michelle McCool
McCool's music makes me want to stab myself in the
face. General Diva catch-as-catch-can-with-screaming
to begin with. McCool sucks. The predictable bendy
spot comes with a dragon sleeper on Melina, which
she tries to escape with a knee but McCool shoves
her to the ground. McCool is dominating, even though
she's got her knee in a brace. Yes, that makes
sense. Ah, but she missed a baseball slide, landing
on her bad knee. Outside, Melina screams a bit and
gets some offense in. Why does she have to scream so
much? Unfortunate fools in the crowd are chanting
'we want Trish'. God, McCool can't even run across
the ring properly. Melina ducks a kick with a
'matrix' thing but then just gets kicked again for
two. McCool hoists Melina up for some shit, but
Melina turns it into a sunset flip/powerbomb thing
shortly after for the win. That was boring.
TO THE BACK and it's muttering time! Teddy Long
(plus bodyguards) is cornered by McMahon who wants
his picture on Long's wall... uh, okay. I guess
Batista was the big thing Long hinted at last week,
which McMahon likes very much because he's dumb, but
he wants to know why Long doublecrossed the
Undertaker. He basically sends Teddy ou t to
apologise as we go to ADVERTISING.
here's Long, surrounded by ten 'bodyguards'. We get
another Breaking Point recap, before Long sucks it
up. He admits that the screwjob was pre-planned, to
prevent Taker from winning the title. Well, duh. He
says he's afraid of the Undertaker. Well, duh.
Punk's name gets a sea of boos. He says times are
tough, he has a family to take care of. He
apologises a lot. The crowd doesn't care. He says he
hopes the Undertaker can find it in his heart to
forgive him. Awww. Long escapes with his guards
without incident. The camera follows him back to his
limo until.... wow. Yeah. The doors locked on their
own, the Undertaker was in the driver's seat saying
'buckle up, Teddy', Long gave a hilarious "OH NO!"
face, his voice went all distorted, and the limo
filled up with smoke and purple light and drove
away. That was just jaw-droppingly stupid. That was
a precision-engineered piece of Wrestlecrap. Wow.
BACK and a recap was not
necessary of what we just saw, Teddy's o-face is now
burned into my brain. Punk is out now, to a
maelstrom of boos. Punk is impressively over as a
heel, man. He goes over the I-told-ya-so's regarding
beating and banishing Jeff, and then making Taker
tap out. He says he came out to "stick my World
Championship in his face, and say - I told ya so!".
Punk is just brilliantly smarmy. A very brief 'CM
Punk' chant starts and stops. He talks about being
righteous rather than self-righteous before laying
into the crowd in his usual way. Man... are drugs
really that readily available in the US? I should go
more often. A "buuullshiiiit" chant starts up. He
calls himself "a prophet... the choice of a new
generation" etc etc. Amazing he's not been
interrupted yet. He wraps up by saying he's better
than anybody else, and I guess that was a decent
promo, but it really didn't go anywhere, as Taker's
busy giving Teddy Long a hell ride into the
hellish bowels of hell or whatever. ADVERTISING
BACK. AAAARRGGGHH. Khali vs Kane, tonight. FOR
FUCK'S SAKE. THIS IS THE WORST FEUD EVER. DIE. Oh
well, it's Cryme Tyme. The following exchange cracks
me up. JR: "you know what I really like about Cryme
Tyme?" Tard: "...their jeans?"
Cryme Tyme w/ Eve Torres vs The
Hart Dynasty, part 127
We are of
course in Canadia, so the Harts get something of a
pop - there is a 'welcome home' chant. Wow. Anyway,
Smith and Shad start it off with some hossing. I
don't think the Harts have had any mic time at all
since they've been on SmackDown, rendering this feud
pretty bland. Smith beats Shad down, then taunts JTG
with the gayest 'gangsta' moves I've ever seen.
"Elaine from Seinfeld" says Tard. Cryme Tyme
double-team Smith, JTG dropkicks him to the outside
before Shad press-slams Kidd as we go to
BACK and I guess Cryme Tyme are
pretty much playing the heels here, but the crowd
are pretty blah, neither booing nor openly cheering
either team. What happened to Canada? Smith is
hossing all over Shad once more. Kidd tags in,
leading to a nice leg trip/low dropkick combo. Soon
Shad's in one of Kidd's trademark screaming
headlocks. JTG actually succeeds in getting some
audience clapping going, but it fades away after
about two seconds. Harts dominate Shad for a LONG
time. JTG gives Shad sage advice such as "fight out
of that headlock". Suddenly Kidd almost gets his
head taken off by a Stan Hansen tribute clothesline,
and JTG is in. JTG smartly heels it up - the crowd
are openly booing him. JR then spits out one of the
dumbest things he's ever said: "A win for Cryme Tyme
over the Harts in Canada would be controversial,
like Keeany West". Tard corrects JR on the
pronunciation, which must feel damn good. Anyway, we
suddenly have a clusterfuck, but JTG and Kidd are
still legal. Natalya attempts to interfere but is
stopped by Eve, as Kidd hits a nice blockbuster on
JTG for the hometown win.
Soap opera time, and if you
recall last week, Layla took a 'compromising'
picture of Dolph and Michelle McCool, and Melina has
just found lots of copies of that picture plastered
all over a dressing room. Oh no! Who cares! Maria
inevitably walks in too, and gets the wrong end of
the stick, accusing Melina of putting the pictures
up and bah humbug who cares. Out of the frying pan
and into the ADVERTISING.
BACK and a silly
recap of the stupid WWE Title match at Breaking
Point (fuck RAW) precedes the inevitable stinker of
the week... sigh...
The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh vs Kane
This is seriously the worst feud ever. Some kids are
dancing to Khali's music. Canadians. Some other
idiots are holding signs saying 'Khali - kiss me'...
good god, he hasn't done that for about nine months.
Do they have television in Canadia? JR insists that
Kane is a CERTIFIABLE monster. "Write that down!
CERTIFIABLE!". So Kane has a certificate saying he
is officially a monster. I kinda like that. Khali
does some chops and JR and Tard immediately leap
into hyperbole-land. "hands the size of a laptop
computer!" says Tard. Things quickly spill outside
the ring and Kane cracks Khali with a chair and gets
disqualified. pqw[3uoh4igvgjeplrih kill me.
Winner by DQ:
The Great Khali
Khali is apparently out cold,
and Kane "crushes" Khali's leg with the steps as I
remember that Khali is apparently taking some time
off for a legit knee problem. Thank fuck. Khali
"writhes in pain" as some crazy fan says "See No
Evil?! You're full of evil! Khali is my father!" or
something. Wow. Anyway, Kane actually gets a few
cheers for this merciful act, and smiles like a
retard as he realises that this piece of shit feud
is OVER. For now. ADVERTISING.
BACK and It's
HAAS TIME. HAAS OF PAIN. Yeah. Anyway, he's facing
R-Truth. Oh, wait. Truth's music hits, but Drew
McIntyre strides out to the ring, grabbing a mic and
telling us that apparently Truth was in an accident,
can't compete, and awards the match to Haas by
forfeit. They shake hands, and McIntyre just attacks
Haas anyway, hitting a double-arm DDT thing before
leaving. Okay. Can we see the guy in an actual match
please? MORE ADVERTISING.
BACK and we see
ANOTHER recap of Teddy Long's limo nightmare which
is still pretty funny third time round. It is of
course main event time, and as we have less than ten
minutes of show left, it's bound to be a classic.
Chris Jericho vs Batista
Canadia boos Cryme Tyme for having Canadian
opponents, yet Batista gets a huge pop. He misses
his machine-gun cue again, by the way. JR says
Batista has "great strength, and tremendous
explosion". Yes. Batista makes Jericho look really
quite comically tiny. He catches a Jericho bodypress
and turns it into a powerslam. Suddenly the crowd's
dead, as they realise how shitty Batista is, and how
he has the same fucking match every time with
everybody. Batista is DESTROYED by a low dropkick to
the knee, followed by another which puts him
outside. A quiet 'Y2J' chant starts. DAVE is down
for literally 30 seconds from this as we cut to Big
Amish Lawyer backstage watching the proceedings. A
fan shouts "you're the best, Jericho". DAVE gets his
head rammed into the announce table (which I guess
is pretty much completely legal nowadays) and
Jericho then takes charge with various kicks. He
isn't concentrating on attacking DAVE's arm, because
that would make far too much sense. He dominates
before being caught in a sidewalk slam. Then an
elbow. Tard: "Batista has more strength in his right
hand than most people do in their whole body. So, a
bum knee isn't gonna take Batista out of this
match". Of course. Jericho's heeling it up but is
still getting cheered. He goes for the Lionsault but
DAVE moves, Jericho lands on his feet and eats a
spinebuster. Jericho slips out of the Batista Bomb
and lands a quick knee followed by an enzuigiri for
two. Jericho then rather stupidly climbs up to the
top, yelling 'get up, Batista!' (yes, this works
every time) before leaping into a really shitty
'forearm' ("...a clothesline of sorts" - JR).
Batista runs across the ring, Jericho sidesteps and
DAVE eats the post. Rollup with feet on the ropes
gets two. Solid "Y2J" chant. This is funny. DAVE's
big return match - against Chris Jericho, in
Canadia. GREAT booking. Jericho escapes the Batista
Bomb again and slaps on the Walls. Batista powers
out though (to boos). Jericho goes for a
Codebreaker, but DAVE just catches him and lifts him
into a Batista Bomb for the win. Pfft.
Well, Teest is totally blown up after
that eight-minute epic. God, he's crap. Big Amish
Lawyer is wringing his hands backstage. Matthews
approaches him with a mic. Show says Batista got
lucky, but hints that he may face him himself next
week. Golly, don't forget to tune in for that!
YES: Morrison/Knox was good. Punk's promo
was alright. Cryme Tyme/Harts was inoffensive...
NO: Everything else was shit, really. DAVE
is back, and I am quietly praying to every god I can
think of that he gets injured again sharpish. He is
WHAT?: Canadia doesn't seem to know that
you cheer the GOOD GUYS. And of course - Teddy
Long's crazy limo ride of doooom!
was the worst SmackDown in quite some time. I'm Ian
Sparke, and it's time for noodles.