SmackDown time again, but how about Raw this week?
God, I didn't think they could top the ZZ Top
episode for sheer shittiness but yes, they did.
They're forgetting that Raw airs outside of the US -
I had absolutely no idea who Bob Barker was, and
zoned out frequently during the show. Raw's heading
down the pan again. Fuck Raw - we got Downs to
Smack! (also, Jeff Hardy got busted for possession.
What a surprise)
So I guess (based on CM
Punk's subtle hint last week) that they're gonna put
over his Anaconda Vice as a deadly submission hold -
it's a cool move and I'm surprised they've held him
off using it for so long - but can you honestly see
Taker tapping out? Me either. I wish the writers the
best of luck with making this feud at least somewhat
believable. Speak of the devil, BONNNG, here's the
Deadman to open the show - in his Wrestlemania 24
leather smock no less - to a COLOSSAL pop. Just one
minute into the show and we see our first 'RIP CM
PUNK' sign. Sigh. Taker's held off on the hair care
- serious ginger roots here. Wow, that's funny.
Taker has a mic. He says he will cast his shadow of
darkness over SmackDown once more. He's using
basically a normal voice, as opposed to his old
growl. His face is Hardy Orange, too. Matches his
hair. He puts over Hell's Gate and says when Punk
submits ("...and you WILL submit...") that Punk will
not only relinquish the title, but his soul too, and
'the symphony of lies will end'. Pretty cool little
promo I guess. Surprisingly, Taker's about to get a
comeback. Punk is here, chuckling to himself with a
very good 'is this guy serious?' air about him. He
says that while Jeff Hardy was the people's
'charismatic enabler', Taker's far worse, having
preyed on people's appetite for hallucinogens. Ha.
He mocks the people for believing all the smoke and
magic and things. Punk wants to make Taker tap out -
"could you just imagine their reaction?!" - Punk
continues, summoning the magic "you suck!" chant,
and reveals that he's facing Matt Hardy again
tonight, and he's gonna make him tap out to the
Anaconda Vice. He once again calls himself the
choice of a new generation, puts himself over,
raises the belt and that's that. Undertaker has
stood stoic in the ring so far but responds rather
limply by saying that the crowd won't be saying
'just say no', they'll be saying 'rest in
peace'... Yeah. Snappy.
Up next, Finlay and
Mike Knox in a Belfast brawl! Okay, cool. This match
promises more potatoes than you could ever dream of.
And believe me, I dream of potatoes all the damn
BACK and incidentally, on
Superstars this week, about four or five people got
new entrance music. Which they didn't need. Just
vs Mike Knox, Belfast Brawl
match Knox gets one of his little
box-in-the-corner-of-the-screen promos, talking
about lizard's tails or some shit. Okay. Despite
this being basically a street fight, Finlay puts the
shillelagh in the corner and they start wrestling
normally. Well, lots of punches anyway - as you can
guess this isn't a subtle affair at all. Finlay
stiffs Knox for a few minutes before getting
thoroughly planted by a powerslam and a few elbows,
soon both guys are outside and Finlay's face is
being introduced to the announce table. Knox grabs a
chair which Finlay quickly steals, cracking Knox in
the stomach (which JR incorrectly calls as a shot to
the kneecap. Wrong!). Back in the ring, Finlay goes
for Knox again but Knox brutally kicks the chair
into his face. Cool. I like a good street fight when
it's evenly matched. By the way, ADVERTISING.
BACK and Knox sidewalk slams Finlay onto the chair
for two. We get a recap of the chair-kick spot which
we are told occurred during the break, which it
didn't. And JR calls the sidewalk slam a
backbreaker. C'mon, JR, what's going on with you
this week? Knox is in control, flinging Finlay to
the outside, before taking a page from Donkey Kong's
book, throwing three trashcans in a row at Finlay.
Funny. Finlay gets kicked into the crowd, and Knox
pursues with some potatoes, before Finlay lunges at
Knox, clotheslining him back over the barrier. Gotta
hand it to Knox, he looks good in this kind of
match. Definitely an air of Stan Hansen crossed with
Bruiser Brody. A few stiff trashcan shots in the
ring, and Knox goes under the ring for a table,
getting a pop (and the crowd, AFTER seeing the
table, chants 'we want tables!'. Is this National
Stupid day?) Knox props the table in the corner
before walking straight into a trashcan. Knox then
fires Finlay into the table but he glances off it
into the ropes. Ooops. Two-count. Knox makes up for
the table not breaking by basically whipping Finlay
with a trashcan lid. Then Knox goes for his awesome
body press - but Finlay cracks him in mid-air with
the shillelagh. Ouch. Both men are down. Knox is
apparently unconscious, and Finlay simply rolls him
over for the three. Waaah, the table didn't even
break. That was sorta fun, I guess.
TO THE BACK and it's soap opera time, with Dolph
Ziggler and Michelle McCool. McCool is trying to hit
on Dolph in the most awkward way ever, stumbling and
grabbing his ass. Layla sneakily took a picture.
Those pesky women! Maria's gonna be so mad! I don't
care! So, tonight CM Punk is indeed facing Matt
Hardy in a submission match. I'm sure Matt has this
in the bag, what with his devastating array of
submission holds... ADVERTISING.
of RAW. Here's my quick recap: It was dog shit. Fuck
RAW. Hey, it's the Hart Dynasty. David Hart Smith to
be precise. I wonder who he's facing. The Harts need
a decent feud. Oh, great...
David Hart Smith w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya vs The
Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh
props for booking something we've never seen before,
even if Kane is inevitably going to turn up and
whoa, he's already fucking here, pounding on Khali
before the bell. Oh, fuck this. Kane gets a cane.
Then he gets chopped and Punjabi Plunged. BLAAAAAAH!
I hate non-matches. What a waste of time.
Khali I guess. Who cares.
TO THE BACK and
JeriShow are wandering around backstage with their
belts. I guess they've got a wrestling match against
somebody or something. ADVERTISING.
yes, I was right. It's a wrestling match! Show looks
hilariously pissed off. Still hurtin' from being
slammed. That's never happened before, has it. Or
maybe he's pissed off at losing a fight against a
bag. Tee hee.
Unified Tag Team Champions
Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Cryme Tyme
Jericho and JTG start off with some fast, fairly
impressive to-and fro. Jericho is soon pitched
outside. This of course is a non-title match, but
Tard reliably informs us that "a lot of money goes
to the winner". Uh, no. Jericho loses his shit
ringside as we go to even more ADVERTISING.
BACK and JTG's got Jericho in an armbar. Jericho
escapes because the ad break is over. JTG hits an
awkward second rope legdrop for two, then tags in
Shad for a double-team slingshot and an elbow, for
two. Sorry, why do guys go for a pin after an elbow,
two minutes into a match? How is that remotely
plausible? Jericho's been the heel-in-peril for a
few minutes, getting worked over by Cryme Tyme in
their usual way. This abruptly ends when Jericho
simply punches JTG in the face and tags in Show, who
thumps JTG for a minute or two. Show goes for a
backdrop on JTG (of course!) but JTG simply flips
right over him and tags in Shad, who tries to clean
house but comes off the second rope straight into a
harsh chop ("like getting hit in the face by a
microwave!" - JR). Jericho tags in and the heel s
take over. This is a rather ordinary match. Shad
lands a huge big boot on Jericho and both guys are
down. Jericho tags in Show who hits a legdrop and a
headlock. Man, this is boring. Quick tags from
JeriShow makes them look momentarily cohesive. Nice
gutwrench powerslam thing from Shad on Jericho, and
JTG is in ("JTG says he likes to bring the flava!" -
Tard). The match speeds up now. The big guys are on
the outside, Shad hitting a shoulderblock off the
apron. Jericho rolls JTG up using the ropes, but
only gets two. He then goes for the Walls, but JTG
swivels round and does a crazy rollup of his own,
also for two. Clumsy sequence comes when Jericho
slowly throws JTG into the ropes, JTG calmly goes
over, skins the cat, kicks Jericho on the way back
in before being FALCON PUNCHED by Show. JR comically
oversells it as usual. Jericho simply rolls the
unconscious JTG over for the three. Very messy
Jericho and Big Show
TO THE BACK with Teddy
Long (he's still on probation!) and Vince McMahon,
for more muttering. Vince says "SmackDown's good,
but I didn't build my empire on 'good'." Apparently
there'll be a huge surprise next week which will
change the face of SmackDown. Vince also demands a
surprise for Breaking Point. Long says he's working
on it. Vince walks off, leaving long with a look on
his face like he's been drugged. That was dumb.
BACK and what the fuck...
Charlie motherfucking Haas is in the ring with a new
jacket, looking like something out of Mad Max:
Beyond Thunderdome, or a crappy member of
Demolition. Christ. He's about to lose to...
beaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnn! (that's how you spell the
noise at the start of John Morrison's theme). Yo.
Intercontinental Champion John
Morrison vs Charlie Haas
points out that Morrison's match against Mysterio
last week was one of the greatest matches in the
history of SmackDown. Tard is super-tard tonight,
yammering on about getting girls' numbers or
something. He goons off about Morrison, but JR snaps
"easy, cliche boy". Ha. Anyway, the match. I was
expecting a squash, but Haas is surprisingly getting
some offense in, including a nice suplex and some
power moves. Lots of grunting. Haas is dominating,
and Morrison has gotten in no offense at all. What
the hell? Morrison thankfully fights back, starting
with a perfect dropkick, a clothesline, a leg lariat
and a standing SSP for two. Haas soon takes over
again, sending Morrison into the post before a nice
armbar DDT for two. Haas then drags Morrison into
the corner, climbing the ropes for some shit before
Morrison leaps up and kicks him off. Morrison then
hits a rough-looking Starship Pain for the win.
That was short, but functional I
guess. Morrison has a mic. Good. He puts over Rey
Mysterio, before introducing a replay of him
celebrating with Mysterio after their match.
O-kay... he thanks Rey again, saying anytime Rey
wants a rematch for the title, he just has to ask.
But dun-dun-duuuunn. It's Dolph! They have an
amusing bit of banter about Dolph wanting a title
shot (incidentally Ziggler/Morrison was on for
Breaking Point, but apparently it's off - I guess to
build more of a feud). Morrison says he's ready for
a title match right here and now. Ziggler says no.
"Zigmeister, El Zigarino... or do you prefer... Mr.
Ziggles?" Morrison is funny when he wants to be. He
gets a 'Mr Ziggles' chant going. Wow. This is really
childish, but funny. Dolph gets really pissed off
and leaves. Like a bitch. Morrison throws the mic
down, breaking it, and poses like a sex master.
And here's Josh Matthews, talking to Matt Hardy.
Does the fact that this match against CM Punk is a
submission match affect his approach? Matt burbles
and babbles orangely for a minute, finishing by
saying "when I lock in... a submission hold, I will
not let it go!" Oooh, scary. What's he got up his
sleeve? An armbar? A body scissors? ADVERTISING!
BACK and after a short, not-very-good promo for
Breaking Point (which could be really good
actually), it's Diva time. At least it's a singles
bout. There is nothing shittier on WWE TV than a
Diva tag match, with the possible exception of
Chavo's best of infinity series against Hornswoggle.
Melina vs Layla w/ Michelle McCool
McCool literally looks like a mannequin, hobbling to
ringside with a crutch. Apparently Layla has
improved greatly, so says Tard. I think she's been
consistently mediocre myself. Lots of running around
and screaming, Layla getting the upper hand. This
crowd is literally silent. Melina regains the
advantage by laying Layla across the ropes in the
corner and hitting an okay kneedrop. Then some sort
of screaming bulldog thing for two. With stultifying
predictability, Melina ends up on the outside,
McCool delivers a pathetic shot to her ribs with her
crutch, and Layla steals the win. Yawn. Also, McCool
looks like a horse.