WWE SmackDown Recap for
September 10, 2010
Hello, again, everyone!
“Great” Scott here, waiting to see if this is
going to be a Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio kinda’
show, or a Kelly Kelly and Hornswoggle kinda’ show.
Before
we get to the recap, I’d like to give props to my
Unofficial Sponsor of the Week. This week’s
recap is sponsored by Alexander the Great. If he were alive
today, I’m sure this former king of
The next item on the agenda is my non-wrestling rant of
the week.
This week’s rant is relatively easy because it’s
becoming an epidemic: the phrase, “It is what it is.” I have to tell
you that I can’t STAND when people say this. It’s the
stupidest, least impactful statement this side of, “Oh
well.”
What does it even mean? Except in the
case of the Trojan Horse of ancient
The
show doesn’t start well, as we have to listen to Kane
talk.
Essentially, Kane is taking a page out of
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out how this show has
sucked so much lately with the better-than-average
roster of performers they have in the opening sequence. Of course, the
intro sequence doesn’t have Hornswoggle or Vickie in it.
We learn that The Undertaker is going to beat…err, “take
on,” CM Punk tonight. The poor guy
can’t beat Big Show with the help of his gaggle of
followers, and now he’s going to have to go up against
Mr. McCool?
I don’t like his chances.
More misery follows as The Undertaker is in the
ring…looking the color of pre-meatloaf ground beef. They should’ve
left `Taker on the grill for another five minutes or
so…he’s clearly not cooked properly—medium rare at best.
It takes The Undertaker about an hour to essentially say
that he wants the Night of Champions match to be no
holds barred, which isn’t going to be tough for Kane,
since he doesn’t know or use any holds.
CM finally puts an end to my misery by interrupting the
proceedings.
He’s applauding The Undertaker and he
sarcastically tells the crowd to do the same. After a few
minutes of pandering to the dead man, Punk goes on to
say that `Taker is going to get beaten at the PPV. After that, it’s
a pretty by-the-numbers promo…with each man saying he’s
going to win later tonight. Things get a
little silly when Punk says he’s the most dangerous man
on SmackDown.
Considering he’s only beaten JTG in the last two
months, that claim is a little hard to back up.
I would love to see who managed to justify Legendary as
a non-direct-to-DVD release. Sorry, but
tossing in a couple of semi-stars isn’t going to keep
this movie from being a Legendary Failure.
According to my Nintendo Wii, I’m obese, and even I
wouldn’t eat that disgusting no-bun thing from KFC.
When we return, we’re treated to…
Jack Swagger vs. MVP
I am so hoping that this match ends this feud.
Swagger starts things with a quick takedown and some
clubbing blows.
He follows with a forearm and some taunting. MVP dodges a
corner charge and hits a clothesline and a suplex. He follows by
booting Swagger through the ropes. MVP heads
outside only to send Swagger back in and hit two sloppy
German suplexes.
He redeems himself with a drop toehold and nice
running knee to the back of Swagger’s head. Swagger,
however, reverses the momentum with a trio of
clotheslines.
After a failed pin attempt, Swagger locks on a
double-chicken-wing-looking hold. The hold is so
intense that we’re sent to commercials to recover.
When we get back from our commercial break, we get to
see MVP get in a few shots before Swagger hits a big
boot. He tries to
follow with the Vader splash, but MVP gets his knees up.
MVP follows with his weak-looking throw and a boot in
the corner.
MVP continues his medium-impact offense by pancaking
Swagger and reeling off a pair of clotheslines, a cross
chop, and a knee drop.
He hits the Ballin’ Elbow, but he can’t follow
up, as Swagger rolls out of the ring. Outside the
ring, Swagger slams MVP to the steps and then wraps his
leg around the ring post. Swagger gets
back in the ring and clamps on the ankle lock. MVP taps out like a
little bitch in about 1.8 seconds.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Rating:
Average match; really good booking. That should put
a concrete end to this feud. If it continues
next week, I’m taking a star back.
We head to the back after the match and it seems like
there’s trouble in the LayCool-Kaval camp. The skit is
surprisingly funny, considering that Michelle McCool is
33.3 percent of it. Anyone, the
Apparently, the WWE giveth, and the WWE taketh away,
because after I learn that Kaval is going to fight, also
learn that I’m going to have to sit through the “family
history” of Kane and Undertaker, and things were going
so well…
If you need me to translate the guy speaking Spanish in
the Devil commercial, here you go…
Dear Lord in Heaven, why in the world did you put me in
this stupid movie?
Did I really need the money that much? It’s bad enough
that you are torturing me, by why did you create people
stupid enough to actually pay to see this movie? Lord, you can be
a cruel bastard sometimes.
Amen.
That
might not be exactly right, but I think I’m pretty
close.
The best parts of the “family history” segment? Too Cold Scorpio
and Ahmed Johnson are in it. I wonder what
happened to those guys…actually, I could probably look
them up on Wikipedia, but I don’t care THAT much.
After that, we learn that May Hardy is taking on Alberto
De Rio…tough to figure out how I feel about that.
On Monday’ we’re playing RAW roulette! If only Cena and
Orton would play RUSSIAN roulette…with a shotgun.
Alberto
It’s
kinda’ gross that
This match earns two stars on the strength of
The two men lock up, with Hardy getting the upper hand. The ref
separates them, but
When we return,
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Rating:
That wasn’t too bad.
The parts that Hardy had to carry were sorta’
weak, but the match was decent overall. Del Rio is a
reeeeeeally good heel, which means that he’ll be jobbing
in about a month.
Del Rio starts to beat on Hardy some more, but Christian
comes out to save the day. I think these
two will have a good feud…the sooner the better.
After the match, the announcers shill the Legendary
movie. Only
in limited theaters? I can only
wonder why.
Ahhhhh, shit…now we’re going hear John Cena talk
about the movie?
I was glad to do SmackDown recaps because Cena’s
NOT on this show.
Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval
Matt Striker must think I’m retarded, because he
mentions the “roll” McIntryre’s been on…he’s lost to
Kofi Kingston, Christian, and Matt Hardy multiple times
each…I think he’s won twice that I’ve seen.
McIntyre backs Kaval to the corner quickly. Kaval pops off a
kick, but McIntryre stays on top of him. Two more sweet
kicks later and Kaval gets a two count. After more shots
by Kaval, McIntyre shoves him off the top rope to the
outside.
McIntyre follows Kaval outside and suplexes him
on the ring apron.
I actually felt that move. Back in the
ring, Drew puts on a rest hold from which Kaval escapes.
Kaval hits some kicks before doing a cool spot
where he balances in the corner and hits a nice spin
kick. Kaval
goes up top to finish McIntyre off, but the Scotsman
rolls to the outside. Kaval tries a
hurricanrana, but McIntyre flings him into the security
barricade.
Apparently, Kaval is dead because the announcers
go into funeral volume mode. Back in the
ring, McIntyre hits his double underhook DDT to get the
win.
Winner:
Drew McIntyre
Rating:
Hey! They’re actually
making McIntyre look formidable!! That wasn’t so
hard, was it?
Surprisingly, Kaval didn’t look too bad, either.
Good match on both counts.
After the match, LayCool come out to help Kaval to the
back. How
nice of them.
After the commercials,
the WWE kicks me in the mental nuts by giving Cody
Rhodes more time to look gay. I like how he
avoids putting his facial goop on his fruity nose stud.
Awesome.
This show is heading into sucky territory, as we have to
tolerate Vickie Guerrero’s high-pitched yelp. Vickie’s NXT
chick is with her…and I see an awesome storyline where
Dolph leaves Vickie for the hot chick. That would make
me happy.
Anyway, the next match is going to be…
Dolph Ziggler and Chavo Guerrero vs. Kofi
Kingston and Chris Masters
One of these things is not like the other, boys and
girls! And
that thing starts the match with Dolph Ziggler. Masters tosses
Ziggler around like a rag doll for a minute or two, but
Ziggler knees him in the midsection and tags out. Chavo almost
runs immediately into the MasterLock, but he escapes to
the ropes.
Masters goes to smack Ziggler, and Chavo clips
his knee.
Ziggler tags in and works Masters’ knee. Masters kicks
out and tags to Kingston, who dominates Ziggler with his
full compliment of non-Jamaican moves. Finally, Ziggler
and Kingston clothesline each other. A bunch of
stupid shit happens after that and Kingston hits Trouble
in Paradise to win the match.
Winners:
Kofi Kingston and Chris Masters
Rating:
That match was sloppy at best. If it was given
a little more time, it could’ve been decent, but that
was just way too rushed. Oh, and welcome
back to sucking, Chavo.
Man, Vickie’s rookie is hot as all get out…and she looks
especially good when she’s juxtaposed with Vickie. Vickie is like a
beauty amplifier.
After commercials, we get a quick rundown of the Night
of Champions card.
It’s shaping up to be better than SummerSlam.
Great planning, WWE.
In the back, The Big Show, Josh Matthews, and Kelly
Kelly do a skit.
Do I really have to say any more?
After another set of commercials, we head to our main
event.
CM Punk vs. The Undertaker
They’re giving this match around 20 minutes, which is
probably just around right…let’s see how it works out.
CM punk is goofy and silly to start things out. Punk gets in
three kicks before The Undertaker gets sick of being on
“defense” and pummels Punk. `Taker goes to
work on the arm of Punk, wringing it and dropping a leg
on it. The
Undertaker follows that up by slamming Punk
shoulder-first into the corner. Next, `Taker
botches his “vintage” rope walk because he’s LOSING HIS
POWERS!!!
Even Punk looks shocked, but that doesn’t stop
him from sending The Undertaker to the floor. Because Undertaker
can’t stay prone on a WWE broadcast for more than 33
seconds at a time, we have to go to commercials.
When we return, CM Punk is working The Undertaker’s arm. He changes
things up by locking on a vicious-looking leg scissors
with an elbow grind to The Undertaker’s head. The Dead
Man rolls to the outside, but Punk follows and continues
to stay on the offensive. `Taker punches
back, and manages to knock Punk down with an elbow. He follows with
another punch and his leg drop on the apron. This move,
however, takes it out of The Undertaker…who has been out
of the ring for about three minutes…nice counting, ref.
`Taker charges Punk in the corner and misses, allowing
Punk to hit an enziguri and then clamp on a
wristlock-looking hold.
After a failed pin attempt, Punk applies a rear
chinlock. Eventually,
Undertaker gets to his feet and suplexes out of a side
headlock.
Both men roll around in pain, with Undertaker
missing a quick elbow drop after recovering first. Punk follows up
with a Pepsi One in the corner followed by a sloppy
bulldog (Undertaker’s fault). Punk hits a
double chop, a punch, and a headbutt, before Undertaker
starts firing back. Undertaker
obviously wins the punch-off, and hits a pair of
headbutts in the corner to follow. He drops Punk
into snake eyes and tries to follow up, but Punk hits a
spinning heel kick. Punk tries to
stay on the attack with a leaping clothesline, but
Undertaker hits a chokeslam that gets a 2.8 count. He tries to
finish Punk off, but Punk slips out of the Tombstone and
hits the GTS.
Uh oh!!
Punk, unfortunately, is too tired to make the
immediate cover.
He finally rolls over to cover The Undertaker,
but the “phenom” locks on the Hell’s Gate triangle choke
and gets Punk to tap out. Punk loses? Nnnnnnoooooo…you
don’t say.
Winner:
The Undertaker
Rating:
The match was pretty good, even if the outcome was about
as obvious as the ending to Shutter Island.
After the match, the arena turns red, flames shoot from
the turnbuckles, and Kane laughs like a buffoon, but
he’s too lazy to make an appearance. At least the
flames will help finish cooking The Undertaker’s
raw-meat-looking skin. I ORDERED MY
UNDERTAKER MEDIUM WELL!!
That was actually a pretty good show from top to bottom,
and NO HORNSWOGGLE!
YES!
So, let’s hand out some awards and wrap up this
week’s recap.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: There were a few
better-than-average matches on the card tonight, but the
main event was slightly better, so it narrowly wins.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Cody Rhodes is
still looking like a tool. His fruity
segment narrowly edges out Big Show acting like an
idiot.
That’s about all for this week; I hope you all have a “great” weekend!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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