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"Great" Scott'sExtraordinarily GreatSmackDown Recapof Greatness

 

WWE SmackDown Recap for September 10, 2010

Hello, again, everyone!  “Great” Scott here, waiting to see if this is going to be a Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio kinda’ show, or a Kelly Kelly and Hornswoggle kinda’ show.

File:Alexander1256.jpgBefore we get to the recap, I’d like to give props to my Unofficial Sponsor of the Week.  This week’s recap is sponsored by Alexander the Great.  If he were alive today, I’m sure this former king of Greece would read my recap every week!  Read about how he created one of the largest empires in ancient history, right HERE.

The next item on the agenda is my non-wrestling rant of the week.  This week’s rant is relatively easy because it’s becoming an epidemic: the phrase, “It is what it is.”  I have to tell you that I can’t STAND when people say this.  It’s the stupidest, least impactful statement this side of, “Oh well.”   What does it even mean?  Except in the case of the Trojan Horse of ancient Greece, when would something be what it’s NOT?!?  It’s also a stupid cop-out answer to most questions.  How would you like if if you asked me what the capital of Alabama is and I responded, “The capital of Alabama is the capital of Alabama.”  That is straight up moronic.  How about if you asked me what time it is, and I said, “The time right now is the time right now.”  Sucks, doesn’t it?  So, if you use this trite, meaningless phrase, STOP RIGHT NOW!!  You don’t sound cool; you don’t sound suave, and YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF!!! 

The show doesn’t start well, as we have to listen to Kane talk.  Essentially, Kane is taking a page out of Kama, the ultimate fighting machine’s book and he’s stealing The Undertaker’s powers.  It was probably a little tougher now that `Taker doesn’t tote that urn around with him.

Anyway, I’m trying to figure out how this show has sucked so much lately with the better-than-average roster of performers they have in the opening sequence.  Of course, the intro sequence doesn’t have Hornswoggle or Vickie in it.

We learn that The Undertaker is going to beat…err, “take on,” CM Punk tonight.  The poor guy can’t beat Big Show with the help of his gaggle of followers, and now he’s going to have to go up against Mr. McCool?  I don’t like his chances.

More misery follows as The Undertaker is in the ring…looking the color of pre-meatloaf ground beef.  They should’ve left `Taker on the grill for another five minutes or so…he’s clearly not cooked properly—medium rare at best.

It takes The Undertaker about an hour to essentially say that he wants the Night of Champions match to be no holds barred, which isn’t going to be tough for Kane, since he doesn’t know or use any holds.

CM finally puts an end to my misery by interrupting the proceedings.  He’s applauding The Undertaker and he sarcastically tells the crowd to do the same.  After a few minutes of pandering to the dead man, Punk goes on to say that `Taker is going to get beaten at the PPV.  After that, it’s a pretty by-the-numbers promo…with each man saying he’s going to win later tonight.  Things get a little silly when Punk says he’s the most dangerous man on SmackDown.  Considering he’s only beaten JTG in the last two months, that claim is a little hard to back up.

I would love to see who managed to justify Legendary as a non-direct-to-DVD release.  Sorry, but tossing in a couple of semi-stars isn’t going to keep this movie from being a Legendary Failure.

According to my Nintendo Wii, I’m obese, and even I wouldn’t eat that disgusting no-bun thing from KFC.

When we return, we’re treated to…

Jack Swagger vs. MVP

I am so hoping that this match ends this feud.

Swagger starts things with a quick takedown and some clubbing blows.  He follows with a forearm and some taunting.  MVP dodges a corner charge and hits a clothesline and a suplex.  He follows by booting Swagger through the ropes.  MVP heads outside only to send Swagger back in and hit two sloppy German suplexes.  He redeems himself with a drop toehold and nice running knee to the back of Swagger’s head.  Swagger, however, reverses the momentum with a trio of clotheslines.  After a failed pin attempt, Swagger locks on a double-chicken-wing-looking hold.  The hold is so intense that we’re sent to commercials to recover.

When we get back from our commercial break, we get to see MVP get in a few shots before Swagger hits a big boot.  He tries to follow with the Vader splash, but MVP gets his knees up.  MVP follows with his weak-looking throw and a boot in the corner.  MVP continues his medium-impact offense by pancaking Swagger and reeling off a pair of clotheslines, a cross chop, and a knee drop.  He hits the Ballin’ Elbow, but he can’t follow up, as Swagger rolls out of the ring.  Outside the ring, Swagger slams MVP to the steps and then wraps his leg around the ring post.  Swagger gets back in the ring and clamps on the ankle lock.  MVP taps out like a little bitch in about 1.8 seconds. 

Winner:  Jack Swagger

Rating: 

Average match; really good booking.  That should put a concrete end to this feud.  If it continues next week, I’m taking a star back.

We head to the back after the match and it seems like there’s trouble in the LayCool-Kaval camp.  The skit is surprisingly funny, considering that Michelle McCool is 33.3 percent of it.  Anyone, the high point of the segment is that Kaval is on SmackDown!!  Woo hoo!!

Apparently, the WWE giveth, and the WWE taketh away, because after I learn that Kaval is going to fight, also learn that I’m going to have to sit through the “family history” of Kane and Undertaker, and things were going so well…

If you need me to translate the guy speaking Spanish in the Devil commercial, here you go…

Dear Lord in Heaven, why in the world did you put me in this stupid movie?  Did I really need the money that much?  It’s bad enough that you are torturing me, by why did you create people stupid enough to actually pay to see this movie?  Lord, you can be a cruel bastard sometimes.  Amen.

That might not be exactly right, but I think I’m pretty close.

The best parts of the “family history” segment?  Too Cold Scorpio and Ahmed Johnson are in it.  I wonder what happened to those guys…actually, I could probably look them up on Wikipedia, but I don’t care THAT much.

After that, we learn that May Hardy is taking on Alberto De Rio…tough to figure out how I feel about that.

On Monday’ we’re playing RAW roulette!  If only Cena and Orton would play RUSSIAN roulette…with a shotgun.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Matt Hardy

It’s kinda’ gross that Del Rio is wearing his tights in that beautiful car…nothing is worse than ass sweat on leather seats.

This match earns two stars on the strength of Del Rio’s intro alone.  I can’t help but chuckle as I watch.  Matt’s intro, however, baffles me.  He looks like he’s lost a little weight, but he still walks like he has mess in his pants.

The two men lock up, with Hardy getting the upper hand.  The ref separates them, but Del Rio takes the advantage with a cheap shot.  Hardy reverses an Irish whip, hits a clothesline, and follows with a bulldog.  Del Rio tries to charge Hardy and awkwardly falls through the ropes.  Hardy follows and tosses Del Rio back in the ring. Hardy gets on the apron and is smacked with a WICKED enziguri by Del Rio.  I think I saw bits of brain coming out of Hardy’s ear.  The kick was so hard, it knocks us straight into a commercial break.

When we return, Del Rio has a rear chinlock applied.  Hardy gets to his feet, but Del Rio sends him back down by his hair.  He continues to dominate by choking Hardy over the second ring rope and hitting a spinebuster.  Del Rio locks on another rear chinlock, and Hardy escapes again.  Hardy gets two count on a sunset flip, but Del Rio punts him to regain control.  Del Rio angrily chokes Hardy on the bottom rope, and then bodyslams him.  Del Rio follows this with yet another rear chinlock, which I’m sure is more for Hardy’s sake than his own.  Hardy punches his way out, but Del Rio kicks him back down.  Hardy hits two of the worst clotheslines I’ve ever seen and then hits the Side Effect, followed by a trio of corner clotheslines. Del Rio, however, escapes a second Hardy bulldog attempt.  Hardy manages to stay on the offense with a reverse DDT into an elbow drop.  He goes to the top rope and actually lands a really sloppy moonsault that hits about three percent of Del Rio’s body.  Eventually, Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Del Rio pushes his way out.  The Mexican goes to the top rope, but Hardy cuts him off.  Both men climb the corner and clusterfuckage ensues.  I guess Hardy got the worst of that, because that’s what the announcers tell me.  Del Rio follows by flinging Hardy shoulder-first to the ring post.  The cross armbreaker is academic after that.

Winner:  Alberto Del Rio

Rating: 

That wasn’t too bad.  The parts that Hardy had to carry were sorta’ weak, but the match was decent overall.  Del Rio is a reeeeeeally good heel, which means that he’ll be jobbing in about a month.

Del Rio starts to beat on Hardy some more, but Christian comes out to save the day.  I think these two will have a good feud…the sooner the better.

After the match, the announcers shill the Legendary movie.  Only in limited theaters?  I can only wonder why.  Ahhhhh, shit…now we’re going hear John Cena talk about the movie?  I was glad to do SmackDown recaps because Cena’s NOT on this show. 

Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval

Matt Striker must think I’m retarded, because he mentions the “roll” McIntryre’s been on…he’s lost to Kofi Kingston, Christian, and Matt Hardy multiple times each…I think he’s won twice that I’ve seen.

McIntyre backs Kaval to the corner quickly.  Kaval pops off a kick, but McIntryre stays on top of him.  Two more sweet kicks later and Kaval gets a two count.  After more shots by Kaval, McIntyre shoves him off the top rope to the outside.  McIntyre follows Kaval outside and suplexes him on the ring apron.  I actually felt that move.  Back in the ring, Drew puts on a rest hold from which Kaval escapes.  Kaval hits some kicks before doing a cool spot where he balances in the corner and hits a nice spin kick.  Kaval goes up top to finish McIntyre off, but the Scotsman rolls to the outside.  Kaval tries a hurricanrana, but McIntyre flings him into the security barricade.  Apparently, Kaval is dead because the announcers go into funeral volume mode.  Back in the ring, McIntyre hits his double underhook DDT to get the win.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

Rating: 

Hey!  They’re actually making McIntyre look formidable!!  That wasn’t so hard, was it?  Surprisingly, Kaval didn’t look too bad, either.  Good match on both counts.

After the match, LayCool come out to help Kaval to the back.  How nice of them.

 After the commercials, the WWE kicks me in the mental nuts by giving Cody Rhodes more time to look gay.  I like how he avoids putting his facial goop on his fruity nose stud.  Awesome.

This show is heading into sucky territory, as we have to tolerate Vickie Guerrero’s high-pitched yelp.  Vickie’s NXT chick is with her…and I see an awesome storyline where Dolph leaves Vickie for the hot chick.  That would make me happy.

Anyway, the next match is going to be…

Dolph Ziggler and Chavo Guerrero vs. Kofi Kingston and Chris Masters

One of these things is not like the other, boys and girls!  And that thing starts the match with Dolph Ziggler.  Masters tosses Ziggler around like a rag doll for a minute or two, but Ziggler knees him in the midsection and tags out.  Chavo almost runs immediately into the MasterLock, but he escapes to the ropes.  Masters goes to smack Ziggler, and Chavo clips his knee.  Ziggler tags in and works Masters’ knee.  Masters kicks out and tags to Kingston, who dominates Ziggler with his full compliment of non-Jamaican moves.  Finally, Ziggler and Kingston clothesline each other.  A bunch of stupid shit happens after that and Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise to win the match.

Winners: Kofi Kingston and Chris Masters

Rating: 

That match was sloppy at best.  If it was given a little more time, it could’ve been decent, but that was just way too rushed.  Oh, and welcome back to sucking, Chavo.

Man, Vickie’s rookie is hot as all get out…and she looks especially good when she’s juxtaposed with Vickie.  Vickie is like a beauty amplifier.

After commercials, we get a quick rundown of the Night of Champions card.  It’s shaping up to be better than SummerSlam.  Great planning, WWE.

In the back, The Big Show, Josh Matthews, and Kelly Kelly do a skit.  Do I really have to say any more?

After another set of commercials, we head to our main event.

CM Punk vs. The Undertaker

They’re giving this match around 20 minutes, which is probably just around right…let’s see how it works out.

CM punk is goofy and silly to start things out.  Punk gets in three kicks before The Undertaker gets sick of being on “defense” and pummels Punk.  `Taker goes to work on the arm of Punk, wringing it and dropping a leg on it.  The Undertaker follows that up by slamming Punk shoulder-first into the corner.  Next, `Taker botches his “vintage” rope walk because he’s LOSING HIS POWERS!!!  Even Punk looks shocked, but that doesn’t stop him from sending The Undertaker to the floor.  Because Undertaker can’t stay prone on a WWE broadcast for more than 33 seconds at a time, we have to go to commercials.

When we return, CM Punk is working The Undertaker’s arm.  He changes things up by locking on a vicious-looking leg scissors with an elbow grind to The Undertaker’s head.   The Dead Man rolls to the outside, but Punk follows and continues to stay on the offensive.  `Taker punches back, and manages to knock Punk down with an elbow.  He follows with another punch and his leg drop on the apron.  This move, however, takes it out of The Undertaker…who has been out of the ring for about three minutes…nice counting, ref.  `Taker charges Punk in the corner and misses, allowing Punk to hit an enziguri and then clamp on a wristlock-looking hold.  After a failed pin attempt, Punk applies a rear chinlock.  Eventually, Undertaker gets to his feet and suplexes out of a side headlock.  Both men roll around in pain, with Undertaker missing a quick elbow drop after recovering first.  Punk follows up with a Pepsi One in the corner followed by a sloppy bulldog (Undertaker’s fault).  Punk hits a double chop, a punch, and a headbutt, before Undertaker starts firing back.  Undertaker obviously wins the punch-off, and hits a pair of headbutts in the corner to follow.  He drops Punk into snake eyes and tries to follow up, but Punk hits a spinning heel kick.  Punk tries to stay on the attack with a leaping clothesline, but Undertaker hits a chokeslam that gets a 2.8 count.  He tries to finish Punk off, but Punk slips out of the Tombstone and hits the GTS.  Uh oh!!  Punk, unfortunately, is too tired to make the immediate cover.  He finally rolls over to cover The Undertaker, but the “phenom” locks on the Hell’s Gate triangle choke and gets Punk to tap out.  Punk loses?  Nnnnnnoooooo…you don’t say.

Winner: The Undertaker

Rating:  G

The match was pretty good, even if the outcome was about as obvious as the ending to Shutter Island.

After the match, the arena turns red, flames shoot from the turnbuckles, and Kane laughs like a buffoon, but he’s too lazy to make an appearance.  At least the flames will help finish cooking The Undertaker’s raw-meat-looking skin.  I ORDERED MY UNDERTAKER MEDIUM WELL!!

That was actually a pretty good show from top to bottom, and NO HORNSWOGGLE!  YES!  So, let’s hand out some awards and wrap up this week’s recap.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  There were a few better-than-average matches on the card tonight, but the main event was slightly better, so it narrowly wins.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night:  Cody Rhodes is still looking like a tool.  His fruity segment narrowly edges out Big Show acting like an idiot.

That’s about all for this week; I hope you all have a “great” weekend!

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).