WWE SmackDown Recap for September 3, 2010

Well, I haven’t gotten bags of hate mail yet, so I guess I’m doing this for another week!  It’s me, “Great” Scott, watching SmackDown and adding my unique perspective to the proceedings.  The job scared the last guy off, so I consider my work an achievement…in a masochistic kinda’ way.

As always (and by “always” I mean for the last three weeks), let me give a shout out to my Unofficial Sponsor of the Week, which is Great Clips.  Since the good Lord has taken enough of my hair away, I don’t need to go there (I shave my own head), but I’m sure it’s a “great” place to go get your hair cut!  Visit their Web site at www.greatclips.com.

Before we continue, I’d also like to present my non-related rant of the week.  Today’s topic is germaphobes.  While I totally believe in washing my hands after using the restroom and sneezing into my sleeve, I’m noticing more and more people getting totally freaked out about doing normal things that have all of a sudden become scary due to germs.  For example, I played in ball pits as a kid, I swam in public pools, and I ate at buffets without fear of getting the bubonic plague.  Nowadays, ball pits are treated like the equivalent of concentration camps and public pools are feared by overprotective mothers who think little Johnny will get AIDS because some kid a week ago took a tinkle in the water.  Come on, people!  Do you really think you live in a germ free world?  That money you’re using to pay for your soap might’ve been up some prostitute’s ass crack.  A guy with swine flu could’ve licked that bottle of hand sanitizer you just bought!  I don’t even want to tell you what some cook could’ve done to your clam chowder at Red Lobster.  In conclusion, we can live in fear of germs and die anyway, or we can live life and not worry about stupid things that we have little to no control over.  Jump in the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit and have some damn fun…I’ll see you at the Chinese buffet when you’re done!

Well, now that I’ve vented a bit, I refill my anger glands by having to watch a rehash of the Kane-Undertaker “feud,” version 10.3.  In addition to getting sick of this feud, I’m getting sick of the phrase “vegetative state.”  I live in Florida, and I always thought that was our state’s motto: The Vegetative State…lots of old people, get it?!?  Oh, shut up…this feud doesn’t exactly bring out the best in me.

Well, apparently, that was just the prologue to the show, since we head into the intro from there.

This week, we’re in Albany, NY…which means pretty much nothing.  We’re also notified that Kane has a major announcement, which also means nothing.

From there, I receive my treat for the week, as we have a party setup in the ring, along with Alberto Del Rio’s chubby announcer.  Del Rio drives into the arena clad entirely in white. He flashes his delicious smile and all of the panties in the audience get a little wetter.  The piñata in the ring is a nice touch…because if I were a rich Mexican, a $5.00 symbol of racial stereotyping is what I’d want at my party.  At least the servant guys don’t have tacos on their platters.  Ahhhh…the piñata has a Rey Mysterio mask on it and Del Rio symbolically smashes it with a bat…hey, the WWE actually sprung for the candy!!  I get the Tootsie Rolls!  After smashing the piñata, Del Rio toasts himself, only to get interrupted by that bastard Christian.  He’s probably pissed he didn’t get a turn at the piñata.

Christian introduces himself to a better-than-average pop.  He proceeds to compare Del Rio to JBL, which makes me hate Christian a little bit.  Then he says Del Rio is Enrique Iglesias.  Then he grabs an hors d’oeuvres and spits it out.  Then he gets in Del Rio’s face because he’s mad that Del Rio beat up Rey and apparently he’s friends with him…man, Christian is sorta’ ADD in this skit.  Finally, Christian punctuates his rant by calling Del Rio a jackass and challenging him to a fight.  Del Rio clears the ring, removes his jacket, gives Christian a big, beautiful Del Rio smile, and…leaves.  Good!  Del Rio is a fabulous man, and Christian is a dirty peasant…no need to get your hands dirty, Alberto!  Del Rio puts his signature on the proceedings by winking at Christian, and then Drew McIntyre jumps Christian from behind.  Del Rio further insults Christian by pouring champagne on his head.

Devil seems like an appropriate title…it’ll be hell to sit through.

The kid in the PSP commercial thinks he’s cool, but a cool kid wouldn’t be wearing a generic green hat that he got out of the half-off bin at the dollar store.  Get yourself a Celtics hat and try again later.

Watch the commercial for Legendary closely…all the reviews are from nobodies…I think one was even a review from Cena’s mom.

Christian vs. Drew McIntyre

I like how the only way “the chose one” can win is by beating hurt guys.  Christian starts with a few punches, but McIntyre brushes them off and attacks Christian’s midsection.  After a failed pin attempt, McIntryre locks on a seated abdominal-stretch-looking move.  Christian gets up, but McIntyre beats him back down.  Christian fights back as McIntryre mocks him, but McIntyre snares Christian in a bearhug.  Christian headbutts out, but goes right back down courtesy of a Drew McIntyre knee to the gut.  McIntryre goes to the second rope, but eats feet on whatever move he’s trying.  Christian fires off some punches, hits a forearm shot, and gets off his flipping corner kick, but is caught trying his flying uppercut.  McIntryre puts him down with a wicked-looking back breaker.  Outside the ring, McIntyre stands on the announce table for some stupid reason, which allows Christian to trip him, sending the Scotsman crashing to the table.  Both men get back in the ring, where Christian tries to go for the Killswitch.  McIntyre reverses the move into a gutbuster.  McIntyre tries to follow up, but Christian trips up McIntryre and keeps him down for the three count.  Dude, seriously?

Winner:  Christian

Rating: 

I have to admit that I do not understand the booking for Drew McIntyre.  Why would Vince bother to call this guy the “chosen one” if he’s NEVER going to win?  It was funny at first when Vince kept intervening and “cleansing” McIntyre’s record, but now he keeps losing clean to guys like Hardy and Christian. I guess Vince thinks all of us have memories like the guy from Memento. 

Buy a WWE Magazine, so you can figure out if John Cena would rather be able to fly or be invisible!!  I thought he could do both already!

The 900^th episode of RAW really sucked.

Speaking of really sucked, our next match is…

Kelly Kelly vs. Michelle McCool

Todd Grisham says that seeing Kelly Kelly makes him happy…I’m sure the same can’t be said by her opponents.

Well, if I could hope for Kelly Kelly to permanently cripple someone…this would be the person.  She already drinks most of her meals through a straw, anyway.

Man, Melina’s face looks square now…did she have plastic surgery? She should get a refund.

Kelly Kelly starts things off with some kicks and shitty forearms.  McCool stops her cold with a horrible backbreaker.  Michelle does some pushups on Kelly’s face while Layla channels every Spice Girl in the span of 30 seconds.  In the ring, Kelly does more shitty moves, including her stupid head scissors spin.

After what feels like two hours of British screaming and crappy wrestling, Michelle hits her weaksauce finisher to end the match. 

Winner: Michelle McCool

Rating: 

We’re reminded again that Kane has a major announcement…I hope he’s won a lamp that looks like a woman’s leg! 

Okay, the new WWE figures look like crap…and Kofi Kingston wins a match that HHH, Randy Orton, John Cena are in?  Yeah, right!

You know, Sugar Ray wasn’t a horrible band…why is Mark McGrath taking jobs that Mario Lopez would turn down?

Now, we’re going to kill some time by watching a montage of clips from the WWE’s trip to China.  I really can’t make fun of anything…not a bad segment.

Because I didn’t hate that, the WWE has to balance things out by going to a Hornswoggle skit.  Apparently, the gist of this is that Teddy is trying to get Hornswoggle (or Mr. Swoggle according to the “doctor”) to talk.  The doctor wants to try shocking him and Teddy agrees.  Eventually, Hornswoggle tricks the doctor and sticks the diodes to his head…and the doctor starts smoking from the electricity.  I think that segment gave me hemorrhoids.

Seriously, I’m NOT buying insurance from Geico because of the little piggy commercial.  Did some ad exec seriously think that having a fake pig squeal for 30 seconds would help sell insurance?

Coincidentally, we start off the next match quickly with…

Chris Masters vs. A Fat Little Piggy

Oh, wait…that’s not right…

Chris Masters vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler starts by ducking a Masters attack.  Ziggler gets a couple of shots in before Masters starts beating the hell out of him and hitting a press slam.  Ziggler rolls to the apron, and hits a clever reverse neck breaker through the ropes…nice.  Ziggler follows up with about a dozen punches and an elbow drop.  Ziggler tries a drop kick, but Masters catches him and slingshots him into the corner.  Masters goes for the Masterlock, but Ziggler uses the corner and falls on Masters.  Ziggler stalks Masters and hits the Zig Zag for the quick win.

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler

Rating: 

That match was okay…a tad on the short side, but not bad.  I would’ve given it three Gs if Vickie would’ve stayed home.

In the back, Big Show is walking.  He’s taking on Gallows AND Punk that week.  Are they seriously continuing this feud?  I’m so sure that Punk isn’t going to leave Gallows high and dry.  I almost said that he would leave Gallows hanging…but that pun would’ve caused a sucky pun vortex.

The commercials for Devil make we want to sneak into the last five minutes of the movie, because that’s usually all of a Shamalan movie that’s worth seeing, anyway.

Okay, the Nexus has been a decent angle, but don’t dare put them on a level with anyone higher than the JOB Squad, Oddities, RTC, or The Mean Street Posse. 

The Big Show vs. CM Punk and Luke Gallows

Someone in the crowd has an extremely clever “The Big Show is strong,” sign.  Honestly, this feud is making neither side look any good.  CM Punk needs to get a member of the SES that’s taller than the ref…Joey Mercury is reeeeally small.

Punk starts out, and tags to Gallows within 15 seconds.  Gallows is immediately made to look foolish, as Big Show takes him down and rubs his face in the mat.  Big Show follows that up with a big chop.  Gallows manages to get a few kicks, but Big Show hits a back elbow that sends Gallows to the outside.  Trickery ensues when Show is distracted while crushing Mercury’s shoulder.  Punk gets a kick in, but Big Show continues to shrug off every SES attack.  Eventually, Gallows jumps Big Show while Punk waits in the ring.  This match is agonizing.

Big Show gets in the ring and Punk hits some punches, which only angers Big Show.  Punk tries to tag out, but Show grab a handful of tights to prevent it.  Punk tries to regain control with a flying clothesline, but Big Show lazily punches him out of the air.  Gallows saves Punk from a pin, and the action spills to the outside.  Big Show tries to smash Punk against the ring steps, but Punk moves.  Now we get to stew in the misery of this match by watching some commercials.

Halo Reach…a game where you’re rewarded with the destruction of a planet!

When we return, the SES actually gets three consecutive moves in on the Big Show!!  Holy macaroni!  Big Show has finally had enough and fights out of a Gallows chinlock.  Big Show channels Tugboat and gives a “toot toot” before splashing Gallows in the corner.  Some more stuff happens, and Big Show makes Gallows tap out.  Sorry for the abrupt ending, but I was getting sick of that match.

Winner:  Big Show

Rating: 

That match was crappy, and it was just like the four or five before it.  After the match, CM Punk hits Gallows with a GTS and then he screams.  I feel like doing the same thing after watching that match.

I can only hope that this Kane announcement is the main event!!  That would be AWESOME!!

Why does your spicy side look like a goat?

I think I’m going to see Machete on Labor Day.  After seeing that and The Expendables back to back, I think I’ve grown 150 more hairs on my back, chest, and nut sack.  MANLY!

Because one in-ring skit wasn’t enough, we return to see Jack Swagger hosting the MVP VIP Lounge.  Like the Big Show/SES feud, this feud is really boring me.  And the WWE’s idea for energizing this feud?  Jack Swagger’s DAD!!  It worked so well in the Torrie Wilson/Dawn Marie feud!  The funniest part of the segment?  Swagger’s dad is actually better on the mic than Swagger is!  Counting, however, is not Swagger Senior’s strong point, as he gets about 15 pushups ahead of his kid…until MVP comes out to make me hate this segment even more.

MVP enters the ring, insults Swagger, and  then starts to ruin the place before Swagger humorously uses his father (who’s in a wheelchair) to keep MVP away.  MVP hits his Shelton Benjamin ripoff finsiher on Swagger’s dad and sends Swagger flying out of the ring before hitting the Ballin’ Elbow on the senior Swagger.  This should honestly be called the P-O-O-P lounge.  That was horrible.

The Town looks like Good Will Hunting on HGH.

Matt Hardy (with limp) vs. Cody Rhodes (with lisp)

Wow, Cody Rhodes with a “Lane Bryant” fat joke…ouch.  This match just got one “G” right there.  Wait a minute, now we’re just redoing the whole Mickie James “you’re fat” angle all over again.  Come on, Vince…at least wait six months before recycling a stupid gimmick…even though in this case it’s actually true.  Eventually, Hardy gets sick of the insults and steals Rhodes’ jacket.  Rhodes comes in, and Hardy goes right to work.  Rhodes tries to run, but Hardy stays on him.  Hardy hits some clotheslines, a bulldog, and a kick to the gut.  Rhodes heads to the outside and we head to commercials.

When we return, Rhodes rights out of something and then hits the Golddust sliding punch.  Hardy, however, regains control with a Side Effect.  He follows with some punches, but Rhodes fights back.  Rhodes tries to skin the cat when Hardy tosses him, but Hardy boots Rhodes to the outside.  Hardy starts to work on Rhodes’ leg, clipping it and then locking on a painful-looking half Boston crab.  Rhodes kicks Hardy away, but Matt keeps on the offense.  He tries to end things with a Twist of Fate, but Rhodes escapes.  Matt misses an elbow off the second rope, which allows Rhodes to drop a knee on Hardy’s injured leg.  He follows the knee drop with CrossRhodes for the victory.

Winner:  Cody Rhodes

Rating: 

That match wasn’t a complete mess, but it isn’t going to get on any “Best of RAW” DVD either.

Well, the last 15 minutes of this show are going to be Kane talking.  Wonderful.

After babbling for about five minutes, Kane claims to have The Undertaker’s powers, which apparently include being able to summon FCW and OVW wrestlers posing as druids to deliver things such as coffins to the ring.  That’s kind of a sucky power.  I would want x-ray vision or super strength.

Anyway, after some crappy special effects, Kane comes out of the coffin.  HOW DID HE DO THAT?!?  David Blaine, eat your frickin’ heart out!!

The funny thing is, this is actually a pretty good storyline…if it would’ve taken place three years ago.  Both of these guys are a little older, a little slower, and a little less likely to sell anything.  At this point, I can’t say that I care about either of them very much…but, apparently, someone somewhere does, because they keep them at the top of the roster (when ol’ Mark decides to come back from vacation). 

Finally, The Undertaker comes out and confronts Kane…and I guess Undertaker can still control the lights and roll his eyes back in his head.  Kane, however, turns the lights back off and disappears!!  This makes Blackstone the Magician look like a gosh darned amateur!!  Taker sees that the coffin is closed, so he goes over to it, but Kane is not inside.  WOW!!  KANE IS BACK ON THE SCREEN!!  THIS IS DOWNRIGHT CRAAAAZY!!

So, wait a minute…what was the announcement?  Was it the whole, “I stole your powers,” thing?  Ugh.

Well, that was about a terrible way to end a show.

These shows seem to get a little worse each week.  Perhaps I’m cursed.

Before I run for my life, let me hand out some awards.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  This is a tough one…nothing was all that great.  I’m going to give the award to the opening segment and match with Del Rio, Christian, and McIntyre, even though I’m not thrilled with the way they’re booking McIntyre.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night:  I’ll award this to the winner of a battle royal between Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool, Vickie Guerrero, Hornswoggle, Big Show, the SES, MVP, Kane, and The Undertaker.  They all pretty much sucked.

Hopefully, next week’s show will be a little better…let’s end the SES/Big Show feud, start a Christian/Del Rio feud, and find someone for Dolph Ziggler to fight.  That would be a “great” start.