Good morning!
So, cutting to the chase, the Undertaker is
returning to SmackDown tonight, straight into a main
event feud against CM Punk, whom he is facing at
Breaking Point in a submission match for the World
Title. Sigh. I remember when it was cool to like
Undertaker. Sure, he's good - one of the best big
guys the WWE has ever had - but he's so perma-over
that it's ridiculous. Whoever he feuds with, he
almost always comes out on top. How many feuds has
he lost recently? Has he ever tapped out in a
match, ever? Either they have something up their
sleeve to put CM Punk over him (unlikely) or
go-go-gadget-plata, Taker's getting another World
Title reign, with no real buildup whatsoever and
completely stalling Punk's momentum. Argh.
So
that's what's rattling round my head, as we kick off
with (of course) a recap of the Punk/Jeff cage match
from last week, emo-ed to the max. Crying teenage
girls abound. It's so over-wraught that it's as if
he died. Awesome THUNK accompanying Punk's belt shot
to fade it out...
And we're underway. JEFF'S
music hits, and it seems that Jeff is here! The
crowd goes nuts but - genius - it's CM Punk, dolled
up as Jeff. The cheers gradually subside as Punk
hits the ring. There is a shot of a hilariously
pissed-off geeky kid with huge hair. Talk about
heat, this is something else. People in the crowd
are reacting as if this is the single sickest,
lowest thing they've ever seen, and it's perfect.
Punk gloats wonderfully, saying "no more stupid
facepaint, no more stupid armbands" whilst taking
the getup off. He calls Jeff the 'charismatic
enabler' as some seriously deluded kids start a
'Hardy' chant. He preaches, puts himself over in his
usual way - he calls himself 'the choice of a new
generation' - and soaks up the heat. He brings up
Taker, getting a pop, but keeps putting himself
over, and actually calls Taker out. This is great
stuff. Punk is over-playing the cockiness slightly
but he's coming off like a cross between Edge
and Jericho during their respective heel peaks. Punk
mockingly checks his watch, still no Taker. He mocks
Taker's tricks and pantomime, basically saying only
stoners like the Undertaker. Nice. He says Taker's
never faced anybody like him before (which is true,
actually). He says he has no breaking point, and
that he's "harder than any alcohol you can drink,
straighter than any line you can snort up your nose,
and I certainly can hurt you a lot faster than any
pill" - great, great stuff. He says he does have one
vice "it's not a typical monkey-on-your-back, it's
more like... an anaconda". This, amusingly brings
out Matt Hardy. Okay.
Matt strolls out
wearing a ridiculous blue sports vest, oddly
resembling a knight. He then rushes the ring and
simply jumps Punk. FOUR mighty referees are needed
to separate them. Epic.
ADVERTISING.
BACK and John
Morrison has challenged Rey for the Intercontinental
title tonight aaand I think we can see where this is
going. This is awesome. Morrison was apparently
going to be feuding with Kane in coming months (ugh)
- this is a big relief. Punk is bitching to Teddy
Long backstage about his little interruption, saying
Matt is "hopped up on somethin'!" - somewhat
inevitably Long makes Punk vs Matt for later.
And here is the most electrifying man in sports
entertainment! Of course, I'm talking about The
Great Khali. Boo yaa. Blah blah Kane getting DQed
last week blah blah. Time to rest my eyes. Oh fuck,
Khali is taking on Kane in a Singapore cane match at
Breaking Point. Are they trying to 'top' their
classic from SummerSlam? Fuck. Anyway, he's teaming
with Finlay against exactly who you'd expect.
Finlay & The Great Khali w/ Ranjin
Singh vs Mike Knox & Kane
"Can you
imagine the pre-game conversation Kane and Mike Knox
had? I bet there was a lot of diabolical laughter
involved"... Tard, of course. This is cutting-edge
satire coming from him. Knox kicks off by beating
the shit out of Finlay, including one of the most
vicious powerslams I've ever seen. Kane tags in
before long. The crowd is utterly dead. Kane does
nothing particularly interesting to Finlay until he
misses a dive from the top rope. Finlay tags in
Khali, and Kane of course wusses out (despite
winning their match at SummerSlam, yay psychology)
and tags in Knox, who immediately gets his head
taken off by a clothesline. So far, we have a
four-way match in which The Great Khali is the most
over. Yikes. Big boot and Vise Grip on Knox before
Kane rescues him by pulling him outside as we go to
glorious
ADVERTISING.
BACK and Khali
is thudding and stomping and chopping Kane. "Khali's
style is not a Norman Rockwell painting" according
to JR. What the hell does that even mean. Khali is
so slow, Kane is able to escape by simply slapping
him in the face and strolling across the ring to tag
Knox, who obviously enjoyed walking straight into a
clothesline earlier, as he does it again. More
boots. Yawn. Khali does a very loud chop on Knox
which is like a "sonic boom" according to Tard. No,
that would mean it was very fast. Khali couldn't
produce a sonic boom if you fired him out of a
rocket launcher. Which, incidentally, I would pay to
see. Anyway, Finlay is in now to trade potatoes with
Knox. Finlay goes to climb the turnbuckles, Khali
distracts the ref by being an idiot and Kane knocks
Finlay to the outside. Exciting. Khali gradually
checks on Finlay. Finlay stebs back in to be beaten
up by Knox and then Kane. This is obviously slow,
and dull, but if you think back to the late 80s,
most matches were this kind of pace. It's nostalgia.
For the record I do like Mike Knox. I think he has a
lot of potential. He's surprisingly quick when he
wants to be, he's not just a tree-trunk of a guy.
Awesome crossbody from Knox onto Finlay is the most
interesting move so far. This match is really
dragging now. I can't believe Kane and Khali have
another PPV match. God, it's gonna be so fucking
shitty. Canes, woo. Finlay has been beaten down for
several years now. Kane goes after Singh, Khali to
the rescue, distracting the ref. Finlay cracks Knox
with the shillelagh for the win.
Winners:
Finlay & The Great Khali
Wow, four big slow
guys in a match and it WASN'T EXCITING. Confounding!
Preposterous! TO THE BACK! Teddy Long is wisely
watching an old Dusty Rhodes match instead of his
own show. Vince walks in wearing a hilarious pink
blazer. "Are you saying this jacket looks like
pepto-bismol?" They're muttering, I can't really
understand what's going on. McMahon just walked off.
No idea what that was about. ADVERTISING.
BACK and we are in Cleveland, which hasn't had a
championship in any sport since 1964! Yay! And yay,
divas! Maria, Eve, Michelle McCool, Melina. I don't
god damn care. "Maria... did you talk to Dolph?"
"Melina, I'm a big girl, I appreciate your help,
just stay out of my business" tune in next week for
more Knots Landing.
Aww. Hell. Yeah. It's the
Intercontinental Title match. John Morrison is out
first to a pretty god damn good pop. I have the
feeling that this match is going to be awesome.
Rey's out to a GIGANTIC pop. Tangible atmosphere
here. Obviously a lot of the crowd know what's going
on, and are wishing little drugmaster Rey well. Fair
enough. ADVERTISING right away. I hope this means
the match won't have an ad break in it.
BACK.
Quick Breaking Point promo... Yeah, I'm glad they're
not just having Rey vacate the title after being
beat up by Dolph while giving a promo. That's what'd
happen on Raw. Fuck Raw. Here we go - match of the
year, fingers crossed:
Rey Mysterio (c) vs John Morrison,
Intercontinental Championship match
And we're off. Morrison's a contender, dude. A
'let's go Morrison' chant starts up very early.
Nice. There's a test of strength early on which
Morrison of course wins, but Rey lands a few kicks
as Morrison monkeyflips him backwards into a pin for
a few one-counts. Rey leaps up onto Morrison's
shoulders and sunset flips him for two. All the
while, their hands were locked. This is fantastic
already. Big boot from Morrison turns into a
headlock as we cut to Dolph watching the match in
the back. Dolph is facing the winner of this match
at Breaking Point, and I think that not only would
Dolph/Morrison be a fantastic match, but also a
great feud if they gave them both mic time. Some
quick flippy dodging shit turns into lightning-fast
two-counts for both guys. Very fluid and innovative
chain-wrestling from both guys, and they stand back,
each giving each other an 'okay, you're good' look
as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and it's still
right down the middle, as Rey goes for a cannonball
off the ropes but is caught by Morrison, but Rey's
momentum turns it into a hurricanrana over the ropes
and both men crash to the outside. Nice. Both guys
stay down for a second and I get the feeling there
may be shenanigans before this thing is over. Both
men are back in the ring on nine. Two stiff kicks
and a forearm from Rey, who misses a corner charge
and hits the post. Morrison rolls him up for two.
There will be no amusing comments for this one,
folks, it's just a fucking good match. Armbar by
Morrison. Rey fights his way up and Morrison sends
him into the ropes, misses a clothesline and catches
Rey for a tilt-a-whirl somethingorother but Rey just
clings on and tilt-a-whirls AGAIN right round
Morrison's back into a hurricanrana for two. Christ,
that was nuts. Crowd is pretty hot for this, as well
they should be. Some more to-and-fro in the corner
leads to Rey landing a stiff kick and a springboard
moonsault for two. Rey hits a few legdrops as Tard
reminds us that Morrison has held the IC belt twice
before (as Johnny Nitro of course). Rey with a
headlock. Pretty solid 'Morrison' chant. Stiff kick
to Morrison's back. Mysterio applies a surfboard
which Morrison forward-flips out of, kicking Rey in
the face, for two. Morrison kips-up out of a
springboard attack from Rey before hitting a
clothesline and a beautiful leg lariat, follows by a
standing SSP for two. All that happened in a matter
of seconds. This is a flawless match so far. The
pair exchange kicks before Morrison simply fires Rey
under the ropes and out. Morrison takes a breather
before rolling Rey back in for two. He stands on
Rey's chest and a breakdancing legdrop gets two.
Headlock. No time for rest holds, as Rey escapes and
does some crazy lucha rollups which get two.
Morrison goes to flip Rey out but he lands on the
apron, shoulders Morrison in the gut
and springboard-hurricanranas him into the 619
position. Morrison leaps up and boots Rey in the
gut, going for a back suplex which Rey flips out of,
and then both men are down after a brutal-looking
double bodypress collision. Rey's lip is busted open
and both men are down as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and phew, that ad break was actually needed.
This match has been relentless. We return to
Morrison covering Rey for two before applying a
headlock and a body scissors. Both guys are quickly
up. Morrison is kicked in the chest, I turn away for
a second and both guys are outside, with Rey
rana'ing Morrison. They're back in real quick and a
springboard legdrop from Rey gets a long two.
Wheelbarrow front slam from Morrison gets two, and a
stiff running knee gets another two. I almost feel
bad recapping this blow-by-blow, you should just
watch it. It's PPV quality, without a doubt.
Springboard body press from Rey for two. Aha, never
try to sunset flip Rey - he's too fucking small and
he'll dropkick your face off. Two. Todd talks sense
for once, wondering "where are these men getting
this energy from?" Morrison is down as Rey ascends
to the top and comes sailing straight into a
picture-perfect mid-air dropkick from Morrison.
Another two-count. Morrison drags Rey into position
for Starship Pain. Rey gets up and Morrison lands on
his feet. A few shoulders and a springboard senton
and Morrison is down for the 619 which connects. Rey
drags himself to his feet and misses the springboard
splash, landing on his feet and turning straight
into the best Chuck kick I've seen Morrison do.
Two-count. Crowd is hot for this - a 'this is
awesome' chant starts up. It really fucking is.
Morrison shoves Rey into the corner, gets elbowed in
the face but delivers a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. He
goes for Starship Pain again but Rey is instantly on
his feet, clubbing Morrison in the back. Rey goes
for a hurricanrana while Morrison is sat on the
ropes but Morrison holds on and Rey bites the dust.
Ouch. Then, from a seated positionthe second rope,
Morrison leaps up and hits Starship Pain for the pin
and the title.
Winner and new
Intercontinental Champion: John Morrison
BRILLIANT match, one of the best in SmackDown
history, seriously. Great psychology, very physical,
totally fluid, perfectly paced. John helps Rey to
his feet and they embrace. Endless replays of all
the crazy shit we just saw. Man, Morrison
looks fucking cool with that title. Seriously,
seriously amazing match - and shenanigan-free, too.
ADVERTISING.
BACK and heeeere's R-Truth - who
makes it to the ring before being jumped by Drew
McIntyre again, wearing the reddest shirt I've ever
seen. He calls R-Truth a dancing fool. He says
R-Truth has a match this week, and he isn't even on
the show, so he's gonna come out every week and ruin
our little parties. Uh, so who was R-Truth's
opponent supposed to be? It looked like he just came
to the ring rapping for no reason. ADVERTISING...
BACK and yay, I get to sleep through a Diva match.
Eve Torres & Maria vs Natalya & Layla
Of course, Natalya pinned Eve to win the six-person
mixed tag match on Superstars - which was actually
really good - so that warrants another match. Yeah.
A Natalya-Eve feud? I guess that's better than most
of the other Diva combinations. Eve is really
stepping up, to be fair. She's gone from 'awful' to
'quite good'. Maria starts off with Natalya. I can't
be bothered recapping this. Like the crowd here, I
remain quietly exhausted by the Mysterio/Morrison
match. I'll just sit, and stare. You get the idea
anyway. Eve and Natalya are both pretty good. Maria
and Layla are both shitty. Finish comes after about
five minutes of generic stuff as Eve fudges her
handspring moonsault, landing with her knees in
Layla's abdomen. That looked painful. The match
itself wasn't bad. Just inoffensive.
Winners: Eve
Torres & Maria
TO THE BACK where crazy-eyed
Josh is interviewing Matt Hardy, who is rocking his
EVIL OVERCOAT. Cool. He says he's gonna beat CM
Punk. Hmm - as the Undertaker has yet to appear and
they keep advertising him, they might as well be
saying THE UNDERTAKER WILL INTERFERE IN THE CM
PUNK/MATT HARDY MATCH - TONIGHT! Oh, speaking of
which...
World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk
vs Matt Hardy
Sho'nuff, Matt's out
with this cool jacket. It makes him look like a
photo-negative of Gangrel. Punk takes a powder after
about two seconds. Matt still looks a little pudgy.
JR reminds us of his recent abdominal surgery, and
Tard labours the point by saying "his intestines
exploded!" - maybe that could be his new finisher.
The GUT FOUNTAIN. Mmmm. Jeff uses the Twist Of Fate
as a setup move, so it looks dumb when Matt wins
matches with it. Why does Matt have a key on his
tights? ... anyway. A decent first few minutes has
Matt take charge with some rather dull offense. For
the record I've never found either Hardy
particularly wonderful. They're equally average.
Matt is all over Punk, the first notable spot being
a superplex a few minutes in, which gets two. Ten
minutes of show left. Matt has turned into a
character from Final Fight. Punch. Kick. Forearm.
Punk lifts Matt out of a suplex and places him on
the apron, where Punk shoulders him to the outside.
ADVERTISING.
BACK and Matt
is in an abdominal stretch, going "AAARGH". Not too
hard, Punk, he might split apart and cover you in
shit. Punk takes his chances and kicks Matt in the
stomach multiple times. Punk saliently says "you
ain't Jeff". Soon Matt is in a body scissors, which
he elbows his way out of, before hitting many, many
forearms. Punk fires Matt hard into the buckles for
two. Punk was introduced as 'the first and only
straightedge World Heavyweight Champion' again. A
little clumsy I feel, but okay. Back to the body
scissors. We're all mentally counting down to
Taker's inevitable appearance. The match is kind of
dull, actually. Punk is totally carrying Matt.
Abdominal stretch again. "AAARGH". Matt picks up
Punk from the stretch and does a hilariously crap
little slam. Punk shoots Matt into the corner and
goes for the corner knee but eats the ring post,
Matt dodging and hitting a bulldog for two. Matt is
clutching his stomach as he hits a second rope
legdrop for two. He looks really out of shape,
sweating like a bastard. CM Punk escapes the twist
of fate and goes for a backslide, but Matt flips
Punk over into the world's slowest inside cradle for
two. Stiff as hell roundhouse kick from Punk gets a
surprising two; it looked harsh. Hardy catches
Punk's springboard clothesline in a Side Effect for
two. Hardy punches Punk to the outside, and comes
off the apron straight into a knee to the gut. Punk
drops Hardy gut-first over the guardrail before
grabbing a chair and laying into Hardy. Somehow he
isn't instantly disqualified, as he puts Matt's head
through the chair. BONG! Lights out. Lights on, and
Taker's instantly at ringside, which is pretty cool.
He picks up Punk like a rag doll and chokeslams him
through the announce table. Taker stands over the
fallen Punk and raises his hand, signalling his pyro
and a very abrupt ending. I guess that was a no
contest...
YES: Morrison/Mysterio was just
phenomenal. Almost twenty minutes long, this is one
of the most flat-out enjoyable matches I have ever
seen. Totally stole the show. Punk's opening promo
was very good too.
NO:
The main event itself was kind of anticlimactic,
with Taker's appearance being too little, too late.
Drew McIntyre is rather ineffectual, and he looks
remarkably like Brian Kendrick. Hmm. Divas were just
there, again, and the Khali/Finlay/Knox/Kane match
wasn't great.
WHAT?:
Really, where was Dolph this week? I was expecting
at least a run-in after the IC title match. And what
was with Vince's pink jacket?
A lot of
wrestling on the show tonight, all the matches got a
decent amount of time. A lot of it was patchy but if
you appreciate a good, believable wrestling match
you HAVE to watch this episode for
Morrison/Mysterio. Do it. Till next week, I'm Ian
Sparke, and like Matt Hardy's intestines, I'm gonna
split.