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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

August 30, 2011


“Great” Scott’s Super SmackDown Recap Sorry you’re getting this a little late, folks. I thought my DVR would record it on Tuesday, but it didn’t…so this is the replay on Friday. Based on what I’ve heard, “super” isn’t exactly the adjective most would use to describe the show. However, as a tribute to the program, I’m going to eschew my Tony the Tiger rating for this recap and go with…



The GREATEST “Super” Mario himself, Captain Lou! Matches tonight will be rated on a Captain Lou scale!

The show starts with (Who else?) John Cena. This show is already less super…

Why does the announcer say Cena’s first name like he’s spitting out cold soup? “Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn.” Cena starts being his clever, witty self and I fast forward. I only fast forward for a second or two before I’m saved from this crap by Ricardo Rodriguez. Hey, he’s speaking English! I’m watching the clock on how long it is before he gets FU’d. Cena yells at Ricardo and then says something toally un-PG and then punches Rodriguez. Way to be a good guy, John.

This terrible action draws out Wade Barrett. Barrett tries to point out that Cena is a douche bag, and Cena obliges by insulting Tony Chimel. Barrett talks, but all I here him say is, “Yeah, I know I’m going to lose tonight.”

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett

Cena starts by beating the crap out of Barrett. Cena follows his opening barrage with his head slam/bulldog thing. Barrett gets up and Cena takes him right back down with a side headlock. Barrett backs Cena to the corner and punches him in the stomach, but that’s about all the offense he’s allowed to get. Cena stays on top with a corner clothesline and a powerslam that he turns into a side slam. Speaking of side slam, Barrett catches Cena in a Boss Man Slam as he bounces off the ropes. Barrett stays on top by stomping Cena in the corner. Barrett tries to follow with a clothesline, but Cena decides he’s had enough with allowing Barrett to do anything. He goes through his boring offense, hits the Attitude Adjustment, and pins Barrett.

Winner: John Cena

Rating:

Wow, that was the most boring match I’ve ever seen. I really do love how the WWE is pushing young new stars by letting them get two moves in.

After the match, Cena tries to look like less of a douche by shaking hands with soldiers.

After the match, Matt Striker asks Mark Henry stupid questions. Mark Henry gives Matt Striker stupid answers.

Wow, after that, we’re heading back to the ring for another match…

Sin Cara vs. Daniel Bryan

Things start out with a nice chain wrestling sequence. Another chain wrestling sequence ends abruptly as Bryan nails Sin Cara with a leaping front kick that sends him out of the ring. Bryan follows with a suicide dive forearm right in Sin Cara’s face.

Back in the ring, Bryan unleashes with a series of kicks and a knee drop. Bryan follows that up with a wristlock, Irish whip, corner dropkick, and submission hold that goes from a surfboard to what looks like a dragon sleeper. Bryan tries to continue his offense with a spin kick, but Sin Cara holds the ropes and sends Bryan to the outside. Sin Cara fakes a dive, but then hits a pretty awesome springboard cross body off the top rope to the floor.

Sin Cara tosses Bryan back in and hits an inside-out senton. After a failed pin attempt, Sin Cara kicks and chops Bryan in the corner. Bryan reverses an Irish whips and takes off for the ropes, after some back and forth, both men go for a cross body and they colide. The two men get up and exchange kicks and punches; the exchange ends when Sin Cara hits a modified Olympic Slam. Out of nowhere, Sin Cara hits his senton-moonsault combo to get the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

Rating:

That match ended somewhat abruptly, but…whoa…Sin Cara just kicked Daniel Bryan in the face. Gosh, I love totally justified heel turns! Especially when the heel can’t talk!

Seriously, I can’t stand the way WWE “anti-builds” guys up. Bryan is the Money in the Bank winner, and I don’t think he’s won a match since. Best part is, he’ll probably win the belt. That’s how they do it these days…have a guy lose 50 times, but then win the title. Because in the WWE, titles don’t mean anything.

After the match, we head to the back, to an interview with, “damn, we’re desperate for some tag teams and these guys aren’t doing anything useful” tag champs, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne. Now called, “Air Boom.” Man, if they hadn’t dropped Kingston’s Jamaican gimmick, Air Jamaica would’ve 100 times better. Anyhow, Kingston dares to mention awesome tag teams like Demolition and Harlem Heat. Currently, the WWE tag team picture looks like The Bushwhackers, High Voltage, and The State Patrol.

Sheamus says, “Don’t be a bully,” because he’s been a face for two weeks now!

After some commercials, we relive the feud that Josh calls the “most evenly matched” in WWE history. You have GOT to be kidding me. Seriously, I’m still not recapping Orton matches because I already know what the outcome is going to be: A) Orton wins or B) Orton doesn’t lose.

After watch the video montage, we’re treated to a Christian interview. Eh, it was kinda’ boring. Christian says he doesn’t need to have the belt to validate is career, which is good, because there’s no chance in hell he’s going to win tonight.

After another commercial break…Aksana, who can’t even speaking understandable English announces…

Natalya and Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox

Seriously, Alicia is going to be on the “beauty” team? She looks sorta’ like a man.

Kelly starts with Natalya and crappy wrestling ensues. Natalya slams Kelly to the mat and tags to Beth. After a double team shoulder block, Beth chokes Kelly over the middle rope. The ref separates them, allowing Natalya to kick Kelly in the face. Beth goes for a suplex, but Kelly flips out and tags Alicia, who hits the worst cross body and back elbow I’ve ever seen. Alicia bounces off the ropes, but Beth nails her with a double axehandle. She follows up with a Glam Slam to get the win.

Winners: Beth Phoenix and Natalya

Rating:

That was terrible, but no one was crippled!

Deus Ex gets better as you play. I’m really enjoying it now. It starts out slow, but definitely gains steam.

The next segment has both Teddy Long AND HHH in it? Ugh…I am so not watching this. Even CM Punk can’t save this. Well, I decide to stop the fast forward when Kevin Nash lumbers down to the ring…to the NOW music? Dear God. Didn’t WWE try to do this once before? Anyway, Nash comes in and boots Punk in the face, and then he shoves HHH. I hope this in no way ends in Kevin Nash being in a match.

Oh boy…this show is going downhill fast.

The Great Khali (with Jinder Mahal) vs. Sheamus

Sheamus starts with a side headlock and Khali…botches something. Khali hits some slow kicks and slow chops, and then applies the “completely useless guy” nerve hold. Sheamus fights out and then whallops Khali with a pair of double axehandles and a dropkick to the knee. Sheamus wraps Khali in the ropes and then punches him in the chest six or seven times. He follows this up with a through-the-ropes knee lift and a top rope shoulderblock. Sheamus signals for the Brogue Kick, but Mahal jumps him from behind to draw the DQ.

Winner: Sheamus (by DQ)

Rating:

That match was just as bad as the divas match.

After the match, Khali beats on Sheamus until Sheamus moves and hits the Brogue Kick. Mahal tries to take over, but Sheamus ends up hitting the Celtic Cross. I’m still working on how Sheamus became a face.

Next up, Michael Rapaport, Parker Posey, and Bruce Dern sell their credibility by appearing in a WWE movie. HHH plays essentially the same guy he does in the bus driver movie. Wal-Mart employees, clear out your “Value” bins!

Wow, this match is going to get a half hour? That’s a shame because there’s no way I’m sitting through it…cage match or not.

Christian Loses to….err, I Mean vs. Randy Orton

I promise; I’m going to watch this…if Christian wins, I’ll rewind and recap.

Yeah, that was an easy promise to keep…

Winner: Randy Orton

Rating: NA I’m not even going to rate these anymore. At least Cena beats guys that deserve to lose.

After the match, Mark Henry waddles down and “methodically” beats on Orton. Orton tries to fight back, but Henry is just too fat. The show ends with Henry hoisting the belt (that he’s never going to win) over his head.

That’s it…thank goodness.

The Really Great Thing of the Night: Sin Cara and Daniel Bryan put on a decent match.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: The rest of the show completely sucked. If that’s what constitutes a “super show,” the WWE is in trouble.

That’s it for this week, folks. Have a good long weekend!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).