Recap for August 27, 2010

Tonight’s show is coming to us from Fresno, California, which really doesn’t mean that much in the grand scheme of things.

Before we get to this evening’s recap, let’s take care of some administrative tasks, shall we?

First, this week’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week.  This week’s recap is sponsored by Six Flags Great Adventure.  Their Web site describes it as a, “2200-acre park featuring awesome rides, great shows, and incredible attractions!”  I call it the only good thing in New Jersey!

Next, let me let loose with my non-wrestling rant of the week.  This week’s rant is pretty simple, but its topic drives me insane: people who mispronounce the word, “pamphlet.”  Lately, I’ve been hearing more people pronounce it, “pamp-let” instead of, “pam-flet.”  Seriously folks, did Hooked on Phonics not work for you?  Do you talk on the “tele-PONE?”  The “ph” makes an “F” sound, you nimrods.  English lesson…complete.

Well  tonight we’re treated to two matches from the $50 PPV!  One of them, Ziggler vs. Kingston, we’re going to see for the one hundredth time!  I thought this was supposed to be an upgrade from Superstars.

Wow, we’re not screwing around tonight, as we immediately start with…

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane (No Disqualification Match)

It seems as though Rey is rewarded for his loss last week by getting a match with the champion!  That makes sense, since Randy Orton has broken about every rule in the book and he’s been a main eventer for about 67 years now.

Kane actually looks like he’s lost a little weight, which’ll make the fact that he moves like an elm tree even more pronounced.

Kane flings Mysterio out of the ring right away, and then drops him throat first over the security wall.  Since this match is no DQ, Kane grabs one of about eight kendo sticks that are conveniently laid out under the ring.  Rey, however, jumps Kane and hits him with his own bamboo stick.  Kane, as he is apt to do, no-sells the cane shots and boots Rey in the head straight away. This allows Kane to go back on the painfully slow offensive. 

Next, because Kane’s winded from his two moves, he applies a rest hold from which Rey quickly escapes.  Rey tries to do a springboard something or another, but Kane big boots him again.  Kane follows Mysterio outside, but Rey trips him into the ring steps and follows with a seated senton off the announce table.  Just as things pick up…we go to commercial.  Awesome.

Dude, I don’t think a move could interest me less than this stupid Takers movie.

Don’t be a puppet, but do what they tell you in the anti-drug commercials!

If you buy a Droid, you will turn into a cyborg and Skynet will use you to take over the world!!

When we return, Rey leaps right into a Kane uppercut. Kane follows this up with a pair of punches and a sloppy chinlock.  He turns this into a neck wrench, and then back into a chinlock.  Rey lands three knees to the head, but runs right into a Dino Bravo side slam.  If only Kane would hire Frenchy Martin, he would be the man!  Kane heads outside to get a chair, but Rey kicks it away.  He follows with another seated senton and a flying head scissors.  This sets up Kane for the 619, but Kane no-sells that.  Rey fights back with a chop block and a chair shot to the back of Kane’s leg.  He hits one more chair shot that sets Kane up for the 619, and Rey hits it (albeit weakly).  Rey tries to finish things off, but Kane catches Mysterio and chokeslams him onto the chair.  Kane pins Rey for the three count.

Winner:  Kane

Rating: 

This match really was average at best, but I’m going to give Rey an extra half star because he really tried to carry Kane’s sorry ass.  Kane really is terrible.

As Rey is helped out of the ring, Alberto Del Rio comes out to be arrogant and rub the loss in his face.  Del Rio humorously acts concerned for Rey, going so far as to ask the doctor if Rey’s going to be okay.  However, Del Rio flips the script and attacks Rey out of nowehere!!  SWERVE!  See, he ACTED concerned, but he really WASN’T!!  The crowd boos the holy hell out of Del Rio, who is already a better heel than most of the WWE roster. 

After walking half way up the ramp, Del Rio decides he’s not quite done, so he grabs a chair, puts Rey’s arm in it, and slams it into the ring post (ouch!).  To punctuate this attack, Del Rio says there’s a new “rey” in the WWE.  And because I had high school Spanish, I know that “rey” means “king.”  I also know that “Donde esta la bibliotecha?” means, “Where is the libarary?”  Decent little segment there.

When we return, we get to relive Rey’s misery.  The announcers act like we’ve just watched a puppy get put in a bag and get hit with a bat.

Well, no time is wasted as we go to…

C.M. Punk vs. JTG

The SES looks relatively coordinated tonight; while JTG has decided to go back to the Nelly-rip-off that he used to be…I think those two were separated at birth.

Anyway, Punk tries to start off quickly, but JTG reverses a couple of moves before Punk stomps the living crap out of him, following up the beating with an Irish whip/clothesline to the corner and a series of elbows and knee lifts.  JTG gets one punch in before Punk resumes his beating.  Punk lands the running knee in the corner (The Pepsi One) and follows with a bulldog.  He hits the GTS, but doesn’t go for the pin, opting instead to apply the anaconda vice, forcing JTG to tap out.

Winner: CM Punk

Rating: 

That was pretty much a squash match, allowing C.M. Punk to get a win before the Big Show ultimately destroys him.  As for you, JTG, welcome to the land of Iron Mike Sharpe, Boris Zukhov, and Funaki!

After the match, Punk yells at the SES and tells Gallows he’s going to lose to the Big Show later tonight…or something like that.

After that, we head to the back, where the WWE jumps on the Shake-Weight mocking bandwagon waaaay too late, since SNL parodied it weeks ago.  You can see the skit at http://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/saturday-night-live-shake-weight-dvd.  Then, I’m punished for recent sins by having to sit through a Hornswoggle/Teddy Long skit.  The point?  Midgets are retarded.

900 episodes of RAW!!  They should get Hugh Hefner to host, since he’s 900 years old.

M. Night Shamalamadingdong really needs to hang up his hat.  He’s the Alicia Silverstone of directors.  After Clueless, she didn’t do anything worth a crap; after Sixth Sense, he’s gotten progressively worse.

Upon our return from the commercials, we are treated to the RAW Rebound.  On RAW, Zack Ryder was made to look like a complete tool.  Perhaps he and JTG can have lunch together and discuss their futures as WWE enhancement talent.  After trying to skirt a real title shot, Sheamus is told by a computer that he’s got to face five guys at the next PPV, only one (maybe two if you count Edge) of whom real wrestling fans give a crap about.

Next, we go back to next Friday to see Kofi Kingston get his ass handed to him by Dolph Ziggler.  That beating has earned Kingston another title shot!  I’m assuming that both JTG and Zack Ryder will both be getting additional title shots soon, too!

Seriously, no matter how many times you show me this Takers commercial, I’m not going to see the stupid movie.

Shiiiit…another frickin’ Cody Rhodes skit.  I’m going to be completely honest with you, I actually laughed out loud this time.  I really can’t even comment on how stupid these skits are, but if the goal is to make Rhodes look like a semi-gay tool…they’re working.

The WWE then balances the bad with the good, as the next match is…

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston

If Ziggler gets disqualified, he loses the IC strap.  I’m sure this match won’t end cleanly, as none of the other five or six iterations of it haven’t.  And why does Kingston still have Jamaican music if he’s from nowhere near there?  Whatever.

Kingston starts off with some vicious kicks, but Ziggler quickly hauls ass.  This doesn’t stop Kingston from attacking him on the outside.  Kingston tosses Ziggler back in the ring and goes for a quick cover that only gets one.  Kingston follows up with a clothesline and another pin.  Kingston tries to finish things off with Trouble in Paradise early, but Ziggler holds on to the ropes and lands an uppercut.  Unfortunately for Dolph, he can’t follow up, as Kofi hits the ranhei that he turns into a pin attempt that gets two.  As Kofi argues with the ref, we go to commercials.  This is a weird place to stop things.

We return to see Kingston miss a leg drop from the top rope.  Striker makes me mentally puke by commenting on how Vicki jiggles when she claps.  In the ring, Kingston continues to beat Ziggler until Ziggler lands a wicked-looking boot.  He follows up with the high leaping elbow drop, and a resthold that Kofi quickly escapes from.  Ziggler avoids another Trouble in Paradise and Kofi hits the ranhei AGAIN.  Didn’t wee see this two minutes ago?  It wasn’t all that great the first time!  Kingston gets a three count, but Ziggler grabs the bottom rope.  Kingston is pissed, and then runs into the ring post as Ziggler moves out of the way of a corner charge.  Ziggler follows with a Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap and a Rude Awakening.  Way to steal moves from two of my favorite wrestlers EVER!  Ziggler continues to dominate with an arm bar, but Kingston punches out, only to fall prey to a sleep that lasts about three seconds.  While the ref’s back is turned, Vicki smacks Kingston, drawing the ire of Ziggler, who doesn’t want to get disqualified.  Ziggler, however, continues to beat on Kingston.  Kingston escapes from another pin attempt, so Ziggler applies a rear chinlock to soften him up a little more.  Ziggler fights to his feet and lands a trio of punches and a Jimmy Snuka double chop. A quick back and forth ends with Kingston landing a Tatanka chop from the corner.  STOP STEALING MOVES!  Kofi doesn’t listen, as he steals Christian’s upside corner kick.  He heads to the top, and Ziggler has to jump so Kingston can properly hit the flying cross body.  Kingston lifts Ziggler and tries to hit that rolling thing a third time.  Ziggler escapes, hits a quick fireman’s carry and gets a two count on a pin attempt.  He tries to follow with a Zig Zag, but Kingston grabs the ropes.  Kingston sends Ziggler to the outside and follows with another flying cross body block.  Somehow, the two men are outside for 90 minutes and the ref is only on two on his count.  At eight, Kingston rolls in the ring, but Vickie keeps Ziggler outside, drawing the loss…but not the loss of the belt.  She’s a clever one, that Vickie.  Did I say, “clever?”  I meant, “cloven-hoofed.”  I make that mistake all the time.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston (by countout)

Rating: 

I would’ve rated this at least a star higher if they wouldn’t have repeated an entire sequence.  I’m also not a fan of these stupid endings.  They really have something against making Dolph Ziggler look credible.

When we get back, we go back to Kane’s monotonous speech from last week…piss break.

When I return to the couch, it’s time for…

Jack Swagger vs. MVP (in a gimmick match with a stupidly long name)

Just so we can prepare ourselves for what is sure to be an epic encounter, we go to commercials after Swagger’s introduction.

Essentially, it’s high school wrestling until MVP punches Swagger and gets disqualified.

Winner (in the loosest sense of the word): Jack Swagger

Rating: 

That was stupid.  At least William Regal’s old WCW Marquess of Queensberry matches were funny because the rules changed every match.

I took a phone call and missed a little bit of what happened.  When I got off the phone, I was treated to…

Alberto Del Rio vs. Carlos (Dirty?) Sanchez

If Del Rio is so rich, why does he have to drive in his own car?  Even JBL got a driver!

Another quick observation…Del Rio’s music sounds like the music from The Three Amigos movie.

A quick tieup sees Del Rio back Sanchez into the corner, slap him, and then beat el poopoo out of him.  Del Rio follows up with a German suplex and a lovely smile.  After this, he clamps on a rear chinlock.  Sanchez escapes, but is quickly beaten back down.  Del Rio misses a corner charge, which allows Sanchez to land a few forearms.  Del Rio lifts Sanchez and props him on the top rope.  When Del Rio goes to break, he winks at Sanchez and humorously shoves the guy off the top rope to the floor.  When Sanchez gets back in the ring, Del Rio locks on the cross arm breaker to get the submission win.

Winner:  Alberto Del Rio

Rating: 

Like last week, one star for the match, one for Del Rio’s delightful smile, and one for his impish wink.  The man is just a treat to watch!  Now I’m going to eat some chicken salad finger sandwiches and watch Beaches!

Big Show (with Kelly Kelly) vs. Luke Gallows (with Joseph Mercury and Serena)

Striker and Todd Grisham neglect to say that Undertaker’s opponent on the first RAW was Damien Demento!!! BASTARDS!

Big Show beats the hell out of Gallows without even taking off his shirt.  Big Show tosses Gallows about six feet by his head, and then hits an open-handed chop on Gallows as he’s laid on the announce table.  Gallows gets some shots in as Big Show gets in the ring, but Big Show no-sells.  Gallows tries again, but Big Show no-sells again.  Big Show even no-sells his no-selling, as he hits his punch and ends this suckfest.

Winner:  Big Show

Rating: 

That sucked.

Damn it!  The “main event” is The Undertaker talking?  Seriously?  At least on Superstars the main events were always matches!  Sometimes they involved Michelle McCool, but at least they were matches!

Seriously, UFC, your action figures look horrible…they rank a point or two under Go-Bots and those ripoff G.I. JOE men they used to sell at Walgreens.

After the commercials, the Undertaker gimps his way to the ring.  Seriously, mold grows faster than this guy moves.  I don’t even know how to recap a non-match main event.  Why is that dork in the front row wearing a fishing hat inside?  Every sign in the crowd looks like the WWE art department made it and gave it to the people.  The signs in the WWE video games are more clever.

After six hours, the Undertaker finally gets the mic and croaks out some threat about not being dead yet.  The amount of jokes I could make about that statement is mind boggling.  The Undertaker mumbles for about five minutes about betrayal, making a statement about the belt being his holy grail…which would explain why he looks so terrible.  Remember what happened when that one guy drank the water from the wrong grail? 

Finally, Kane comes out to refute what the Undertaker said.  Kane is actually okay on the mic in small doses, but these ten-minute soliloquies are a bit much. 

I’m just waiting for Undertaker to just interrupt and say, “Kane, I would beat you if I was Abel.”  YES!  PUN OF THE WEEK, BAY-BEE!!

During this mess, I learn that the devil calls Undertaker, sir.  Interesting.

After another five minutes of clichés and botched metaphors, Kane takes back over and tells Undertaker he’s going to beat him down like he did at SummerSlam.  Kane ends this gabfest by telling his brother that he’ll never “rest in peace.”  Oooooooooooooooooooo…terrifying.

This week was really a yin and yang of good and suck, which will make the awards difficult to had out this week.  However, I’m going to give it a shot.

The Great Thing of the Week:  The Ziggler/Kingston matches continue to be decent, if not flawed.  The winner, however, is Alberto Del Rio, who continues to make me smile inside.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Week:  While three squash matches seem like strong candidates, the winner is a tie between Cody Rhodes shaving his legs and Hornswoggle teasing a return to weekly appearances.

That’s it for this week’s show, gentle readers.  Enjoy your weekend and I’ll try to do the same.