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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

August 26, 2011


WWE SmackDown Recap for August 26, 2011

I know I said last week that I’ll be sharing some of my presidential aspirations with you all this week…well, they’re just not ready yet. As it typically is with politicians, you’ll have to be patient with me.

Anyway, let’s get on to this week’s festivities, shall we?

Before the show starts, we’re reminded that WWE will never elevate young, talented stars when they can push big, barely-mobile guys who we’ve been watching for ages. Way to push the enevelope, WWE.

Why is The Undertaker still in the introduction? Seriously, the guy fights three matches a year, max.

Ugh, the main event doesn’t look promising at all.

Speaking of promosing, the show starts with Bret Hart’s music. Michael Cole pisses me off right out of the gate by…simply existing. Bret instantly makes me happy by telling that he’ll be GM instead of Teddy Long. Thank God. Any night without Teddy Long is a good night. Bret proceeds to hock the Super SmackDown show next week…which is immediately made less super when Bret Hart announces that the main event is Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton. It’s paint drying vs. erosion.

Christian comes out to bitch about Edge costing him the match at the last PPV. Yeah, I gotta’ admit that bringing back Edge to turn on Christian was pretty stupid. Christian says he wants a rematch and he wants it next week. Bret says that Christian is an embarassment. Christian turns the tables by telling Bret he’s an embarassment and that he needs to realize his career is over. Christian apparently has a document that says that he should get a rematch before anyone else. Bret awards him the match, but it’s a cage match…oops. At least that’s taking the place of Henry vs. Orton.

Speaking of Mark Henry, he comes lumbering out to, I’m assuming, bitch about this turn of events.

QUICK MESSAGE FOR RENEE PAQUETTE…SHUT UP. I don’t know what that means, but if someone attending a WWE event has it on a sign, it must be important.

Anyway, Mark Henry is mad that he’s been in the WWE for 15 years and he’s still being disrespected. Ummmm…the fact that he still has a JOB is respect enough, considering how horrible a performer he is. Mark Henry says more angry stuff until Sheamus comes out. Sweet Jesus, this segment is going on forever. Sheamus tells a story about his uncle castrating a bull, and then he thumps Henry until he flops out of the ring. Again, way to build up your monster heel…by having getting beat up and running like a pansy.

Coming up later, Ted DiBiase loses to Randy Orton!

Keep your Randy Orton off the table…or he’ll go to the papers!

After nearly a half hour, it’s time for a match!

Christian vs. Daniel Bryan

At least the first match is worth watching. However, before we get to the match, we get to watch a video package on Daniel Bryan.

The match starts with a short chain wrestling sequence that ends with a smack-like uppercut from Christian. Christian tries to follow with a monkey flip out of the corner, but Bryan lands on his feet and takes Christian down with a dragon screw leg whip. Bryan follows with a dropkick in the corner and a pin attempt that gets two. Christian hauls off with a punch, but can’t manage to hit his drop to the floor and hit a punch follow up. Bryan follows up with a suicide dive and rolls Christian back in the ring, where he locks on a surfboard hold that he turns into a pin that gets two. Bryan tries a corner charge, but Christian gets his feet up. Bryan, however, regains control with a series of kicks, but ends up running into Christian’s flipping kick in the corner. Christian puts Bryan on the floor with a back body drop and we go to commercial.

Killer Elite looks like it might be a good movie.

I’m playing Deus Ex now. It’s pretty good…not as good as the original, but it’s decent enough.

Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star looks like it might be the worst movie ever made.

Upon our return, Christian hits a snapmare and applies a neck-wrenching hold. Bryan fights up, but Christian puts him right back down. Christian puts his foot in Bryan’s face and taunts the crowd. Bryan gets in some punches, but Christian kicks him and tries to toss him out of the ring. Bryan fights back and ends up landing a missile dropkick from the top turnbuckle. Bryan follows up with three European uppercuts and his leaping forearm/clothesline. Bryan kicks Christian some more, but Captain Charisma ducks and tries to go for his flipping kick in the corner. Bryan, however, catches his leg and kicks Christian a few times before dropping a vicious-looking knee drop off the turnbuckles. Bryan tries for the LaBell lock, but Christian fights back and goes through his series of moves. Christian mockingly signals for a spear, only to run into a Daniel Bryan kick in the face. Things pick up at this point, with Bryan potentially botching a flip, but then rolling through a sunset flip from Christian. Christian escapes a top-rope head scissors by holding on to the ropes, and then follows with a tornado DDT. Christian tries to finish things off, but Bryan turns the Kill Switch into the LaBell lock. Christian gets to the ropes, dodges a charge by Bryan, and then nails the Kill Switch to win the match.

Winner: Christian

Rating:

That match started out slow and didn’t pick up until the end, but it turned out well enough. Decent enough performance from both guys…but I think they could do better.

Before the commercials, we’re treated to Aksana speaking broken English in an attempt to be sexy. The old school “va-va-voom” music in the background doesn’t help.

Wow, another match right after the break…

Wade Barrett vs. Guy That Never Gets Announced

Umm…Barrett is insulted by the fact that he’s fighting a guy who looks like a cross between Gillberg and Matt Hardy. He walks out.

Winner: I’m assuming the no-named guy won (since Barrett walked out), but no winner was announced.

Rating:

Hey, no squash match is a good squash match. It kinda’ sucks that Barrett has been stuck in two crappy stabble angles. He’s great on the mic and not terribly offensive in the ring. He could definitely use some work, but there aren’t many people better on the mic than him. Him and Regal would be a great team to rejuvinate the tag division.

Next up, a video package of the WWE pushing the same wrestlers down our throats. Seriously, CM Punk has already had to sufer through what seemed like a 30-year-long feud with The Big Show, and now he’s going to feud with Kevin Nash? Seriously, who’s next…Akeem?

After the commercials, we relive the end of the Del Rio/Daniel Bryan match. Sin Cara comes out to make the save…for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater

Uhhhh…okay.

The match starts with a pre-bell beatdown by Slater. Slater manages a slam before Sin Cara unloads on him. Sin Cara hits a leaping headbutt off the ropes, but can’t get the win with a cover. Sin Cara continues to dominate and finishes things with an inside-out senton/rolling splash into a springboard moonsault. Wow, that was quick.

Winner: Sin Cara

Rating:

Eh, there were some nice moves in there, but it really wasn’t much of a match. It was just…there.

Last week, Orton and Rhodes slow talked, and then Ted DiBiase got RKO’d.

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase (with Cody Rhodes)

Yeah, Ted DiBiase loses.

Winner: Randy Orton

Rating:

Truth be told, I fast forwarded through this match, because I’m sick of seeing Orton make other guys look horrible. I saw DiBiase hit a nice sit-down powerbomb (that Orton no sold), but that was about it. I don’t really watch Orton matches like this anymore. I’ll rate it average because I feel bad for DiBiase.

After the match, Rhodes turns on DiBiase to ADD this angle right into the ground. Man, they only seem to prolong angles that no one wants them to prolong. The “resurrection” of Ted DiBiase’s career by Rhodes would’ve been a pretty cool angle. I’m kinda’ sick of watching DiBiase lose.

After a bunch of commercials, it’s time for…dear God.

Tamina vs. Kelly Kelly

This “beauty vs. brawn” angle would be a little better if the sides showed some solidarity.

Man, Tamina is really terrible. She botches that stupid Kelly Kelly flying head scissors move and has to throw herself out of the ring. Sigh. This match is absolute garbage. It sounds like the crowd is shitting all over it, but their chant is muted out. Kelly Kelly hits what should be called the DumbAsser, and puts an end to this debacle.

Winner: Kelly Kelly (and no one else)

Rating:

That match was absolutely terrible.

Speaking of terrible, The Great Khali is going to fight Ezekiel Jackson next. Ugh.

The Great Khali (with Jinder Mahal) vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Khali shoves Jackson over and then Jackson runs into a Khali clothesline. What the hell am I doing? Am I really recapping this crappy match? Khali spends half the match with a “nerve hold” applied, for crying out loud! Khali applies the vice grip (to Jackson’s face, not his head), Jackson fights out, Khali ends up brain chopping Mahal, and then Jackson hoists Khali up into the torture rack (well, sort of a torture rack) to get the win.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

Rating:

Really, this rating is for Jackson being able to lift that sack of crap off the ground. Otherwise, that match was hot garbage.

Well, after two or three (I lost count) commercial breaks, it’s time for the main event.

Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

Henry wins a tieup out of the gate, and then wins another. Sheamus tries to go behind and punch away at Henry, and he eventually ends up coming out on top. Sheamus stomps away at Henry in the corner and then hits a running knee. Sheamus goes for a pin, but only gets two. Henry shoves Sheamus away and then boots him in the face. He follows up with a corner avalanche and a backbreaker. Henry goes for another pin and gets a two count of his own. Henry Irish whips Sheamus in a moment of pure irony. Henry follows up by standing on Sheamus’s chest. After some more taunting, Henry falls prey to some punches, but puts Sheamus back down with a headbutt. Henry continues to stay in control by clamping on a bear hug. Sheamus reels off three headbutts to escape. He heads to the second rope, but Henry catches him in a press slam. Holy shit! When Henry goes for the slam, Sheamus turns it into a DDT! That was a great move considering the size of these two (and the lack of mobility of Henry). Both men are down, but Sheamus gets up first with a series of double axehandles, including a leaping shot to put Henry down. Sheamus wraps Henry in the ropes and beats the holy hell out of him. He follows that up with three knee lifts on the apron and a shoulder block off the top rope. Henry escapes from a pin and rolls out of the ring. When Sheamus tries to follow, Henry pulls him through the ropes to the floor. Henry follows that up by flinging Sheamus into the barricade. Henry then cleans off the announce table and prepares to slam Sheamus onto it. Sheamus, however, boots Henry over the table. Sheamus rolls back in, but Henry can’t. Sheamus wins it.

Winner: Sheamus (by countout)

Rating:

That match was surprisingly good, considering that one participant was Mark Henry. I’ll even give an extra half point for the DDT spot.

After the match, Henry flips the announce table, and then comes in to fight with Sheamus. After some back and forth, Henry finally gets the better of Sheamus, only to have Sheamus shove him over the ring steps. Sheamus tries to hit Henry with the ring steps, but fails. Henry ends up hitting the World’s Strongest Slam on the ring steps. That looks like it hurt. I guess somebody indeed got their ass kicked. Actually, if you’re going to be gramatically correct, it should be, “Somebody’s going to get his or her ass kicked.”

And that ends another show…fun for all!

The Really Great Thing of the Night: The first and last matches were very good.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Kelly Kelly continues to disgrace the divas’ division and Ted DiBiase continues to get buried.

That’s it for this week…see you next Tuesday for SUPER SMACKDOWN!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).