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"Great" Scott'sExtraordinarily GreatSmackDown Recapof Greatness

Recap for August 20, 2010

Hello, everyone, “Great” Scott here…shooting my mouth off, but watching my aim.  Two weeks in and I already don’t like the theme song to SmackDown, but what am I going to do?  I’m certainly not invincible.

The cover of the first edition of The Great Gatsby, 1925.This week’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week is The Great Gatsby, the novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  The book is about a mysterious wealthy fellow who throws crazy parties and engages in unsavory activities that enthrall his neighbor, Nick Carraway, who’s the narrator of the story.  I had to read this book in high school, and it wasn’t too bad…you can pick it up at any local bookstore.

Before we continue, it’s time for my non-wrestling related rant, which is related to an experience I had a couple weeks back.  I live about 30 miles from Disney World, so my wife and I went for my birthday weekend.  What struck me as ridiculous is the amount of people who waste time texting people while on vacation.  First of all, you’re wasting time on the vacation you (or most like likely your parents) have probably paid a fortune for to text your idiot friends that you’re sitting on a bench typing on a stupid little phone.  Second, if the person you’re texting was important enough to you, they’d be with you on vacation.  Third, I’m thinking that the person receiving the text is probably saying, “Okay, douche hat, I get that you’re on vacation while I’m at home making Eggos…leave me alone!”  Instead of texting about your life, try living it!! 

Okay, on to the show. 

We start things off by getting a SummerSlam recap of the Kane/Rey Mysterio/Undertaker storyline, which we soooooo didn’t see coming 50 miles away.  Kane is going to waste our time tonight explaining why he did what he did.  Goody for all of us.

Now we’re heading to the ring, where Rey Mysterio is going to talk, wrestle, or both.  He starts by making my wildest dreams NOT come true by speaking a lot of Spanish and kissing the asses of the fans, going so far as to thank them for helping him get through his match with Kane at SummerSlam.  Congratulations fans, thanks for helping me lose!!  Ummmm…okay?

Anyway, Rey goes on to say more stuff that I don’t care about, until Alberto Del Rio comes out to speak even more Spanish.  Jesus, if I wanted to listen to this much Spanish and broken English, I’d go to Taco Bell and rent La Bamba.

The gist of the exchange is that Del Rio is rich and awesome and Rey is poor and not awesome.  Del Rio gets a giggle from me when he says Rey is the worm in his tequila. 

Rey eventually starts to verbally fight back, punctuating his verbal assault with still more Spanish.  Damn ferners!!!  Speak English if you want to come to Amurica!!  Just kidding, folks.

Finally, Rey challenges Del Rio to a match…and Alberto actually accepts, but not before getting in Mysterio’s face and winking at him.  Since Rey is a homophobe, he pops Del Rio and hits him with the 619.  Rey hauls ass and this segment is el finishedo, mi amigos.

Since the WWE likes to make people pay for matches and then give them the matches for free, we’re getting Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston NEXT!

Apparently, guys with gray hair don’t get laid, at least according to Just for Men and nine-year-old girls.

Are you f’ing kidding me?  Before I get to see a good match, I have to sit through another shitty Cody Rhodes beauty tips segment.  You know how to be more dashing? Stop wearing queer nose studs, get rid of your lisp,…AND GET THAT DAMN EYE MOLE REMOVED!!!

Now, on to something worthwhile…

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

Yeah, I got SummerSlam.  The card pretty much sucked except for the main event.  This match would’ve been good, but the braintrust at WWE decided to have the Nexus interfere…awesome.  They couldn’t thrown a garbage match like Swagger vs. MVP on there and had THEM get beaten up?  Like last week, way to make that IC belt MATTER, WWE!

The match starts with the “vintage” tie up ( Michael Cole).  Ziggler makes an early retreat, but returns to the ring and gets the upper hand with an elbow, a takedown, and a neckbreaker.  Kofi fights back, but Ziggler remains in control with punches, kicks, and a rear chinlock.  Kofi punches out and hits some kicks before Vicki grabs his foot, distracting Kingston long enough for Ziggler to knock him out of the ring.  This gives us the perfect opportunity to watch some commercials.

Clothes from Sports Authority contain HGH.

If you smoke, people hate you.

When we return, the heel has the advantage with a chinlock for a change.  At least Ziggler makes the resthold look like it’s actually doing something, unlike other wrestlers (coughRandyOrtoncough).  Kingston escapes, but Ziggler clotheslines him in the corner to take control yet again.  Ziggler hits a big elbow drop (ala Lex Luger) and then proceeds to stomp Kingston in the corner.  Kingston kicks his way out, but Ziggler catches his foot and slams him down to the mat yet again.  Wow, they’re actually letting Ziggler look good here, which could spell trouble at the conclusion of this match.

Kingston fights out of an armbar and moves out of the way of a Ziggler corner splash.  Kingston gets a quick rollup and follows it with double chops, a dropkick, and a Thesz press.  He tries to follow with the double leg drop, but Ziggler moves, only to run into Kingston’s upside-down corner kick.  Kingston goes up to the top, and Vicki makes me hate her more by shoving him off.  This earns Kofi the DQ win.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston (by DQ)

Rating:  G

After the match, Vicki prevents Kofi from catching Ziggler, and then Ziggler jumps him, hits the Zig Zag, and then locks on a super-angry-looking sleeper.  Have I mentioned that I hate Vicki?  The match was pretty decent, but I have to take a half “G” off for her being within three miles of the ring.

Even after I type this, Ziggler is still eyeing Kingston.  It’s funny, Ziggler actually pulls off arrogant 50 times better than Orton.  Ziggler threatens to stomp on Kofi’s face, and then actually stomps his head like a rotten pumpkin…damn, that was bruuuutal.  RATING CHANGE!

NEW Rating: 

That post-match stomp was crazy.  It was easily worth half a “G.”

I wonder if John Cena teaches the kid how to get beat up 95 percent of a match, only to get up completely unscathed and clamp on a finisher in the last three seconds and win. 

$10 in Florida will get you a cab ride that goes seven and a half feet...nice try anti-DUI people!

If you get your kids apple slices in their Happy Meals, they will grow up to hate you.

SummerSlam absolutely sucked.  My buddies and I paid $45 for what was essentially a one-trick show.  Every match sucked and/or ended stupidly and they actually scrapped a divas match that they didn’t even bother to replace (Snuka’s daughter vs. Anvil’s daughter?  I mean, come on guys…it took me 20 seconds to think of that one).

When we return from commercial, LayCool insults Melina propensity for crying (Lady Waa Waa…clever) and Hornswoggle hides in a plant.  I’m going to leave that one as it lies.

Ummm…the announcers, thinking we have no short-term memory, decide to recap the Kane/Undertaker squabble from SummerSlam.  Fun!

After that, we head to the back, where we learn that Luke Gallows and Serena are taking on Big Show and Kelly Kelly.  What a treat!  CM Punk wanders in and tells Gallows and Serena if they don’t win, they’re out of the SES.  What a great punishment!  If you guys don’t win, you don’t get to be tackling dummies that take beatings for me anymore!  That’s what I call motivation.  Hey, Johnson, if you don’t get that report done by 5:00, I’ll stop kicking you in the nuts every day at lunch!

Can you save more money by switching to Geico?  Does a man who farts in church sit in his own pew?

Luke Gallows and Serena (with Joey Mercury) vs. The Big Show and Kelly Kelly

I see that Joe Mercury has commandeered The Big Boss Man’s old vest and Corporal Kersherner’s old pants.  The WWE is big on recycling, they do it with gimmicks all the time…ZING!

Well, it looks like the men are going to start, with Gallows quickly tagging to Serena.  Good luck not getting killed, Serena.  Sloppy wrestling follows, with Serena wrestling only slightly less sloppily.  Kelly eventually hits a jaw breaker, a Thesz press, and her stupid spinning head scissors.  Eventually, Gallows makes the save and Big Show dumps him to the outside.  Back in the ring, Serena hits a gut buster on Kelly Kelly to get the win and mercifully end this poopfest.

Winners:  Luke Gallows and Serena

Rating:  G

At least Serena won’t be steering a wheelchair with a straw…which is an accomplishment considering she was just in the ring with Kelly Kelly.

Professor Lasky is doing exorcisms?!?  Who’s going to teach Zack’s, Kelly’s, Slater’s, and Screech’s anthropology class!?!

When we return, Kane is in the ring with a crazy voice machine making his stupid laugh sound menacingly stupid.  Kane doesn’t look nearly as intimidating sitting in a folding chair.  The fact that Kane is sitting makes me think that he’s going to ramble for a while…and I’d be right.  Not only does he ramble for what seems like an eternity, we also get a Kane video montage.  You know, it’s hard to take this ridiculous speech seriously with the evil cartoon villain music playing in the background.

Essentially, Kane says that after multiple beatdowns, he befriended his brother and waited until the time was right and that Undertaker isn’t as strong or as intimidating as he used to be.  This was Kane’s master plan?  The only guy I can remember Undertaker losing to recently was Vladimir Kozlov.  Hell, he beat Shawn Michaels TWICE…so how is he weaker?  The crowd pretty much reacts like I do: they really couldn’t give any less of a shit.  That was a waste of what felt like six hours.

Man, are they cramming this Del Rio debut down our throats.  I hope this guy is at least halfway decent.

After the break, since nothing interesting has happened on SmackDown in two weeks, we go back to three weeks ago, where Christian beats Drew McIntyre.  Wow, McIntyre is the suckiest chosen one I’ve ever seen.

Christian vs. Drew McIntyre

Now that McIntyre has defeated the titan that is Matt Hardy, it’s up one rung on the ladder to Christian. 

Well, I wanted to like this match, but Cody Rhodes decides to come out to ruin things.

Some back and forth to start, with Christian sending McIntyre to the outside with a head scissors. McIntyre takes control outside, but almost trips over the security fence.  He gains control by draping Christian’s arm over the fence.  McIntyre continues to work over Christian’s arm while Cody Rhodes provides nothing of value at the announce table.

Inside the ring, McIntryre works the arm until Christian fights out…only to get flung to the mat.  And because Cody Rhodes is boring us all to sleep, we’re treated to some commercials so we can go get an energy drink or some strong coffee.

Look!  The heel has a rest hold on!  UNIQUE!  Christian tries to fight up, but McIntryre uses his arm to take him back down.  McIntyre follows this up with a bottom rope choke and a series of stomps.  After a bit, Christian gets a pair of kicks in before hitting a wicked-looking DDT from off the second rope.  He follows that up with a running forearm shot and a flurry of punches in the corner.  Christian pumps up and hits a nice leaping low dropkick on McIntyre, who is laid out in the corner.  This match is starting to pick up!  McIntryre sends Christian to the corner, but Christian moves and hits his upside-down kick in the corner before missing the flying uppercut.  McIntryre makes a comeback with an arm DDT.  He tries to follow with his double arm DDT, but Christian escapes and tries to go for the Killswitch, which also fails.  McIntyre catches Christian and drops him sloppily over the top turnbuckle, but Christian manages to float over and lock on a crucifix pin for the victory.

Winner:  Christian

Rating: 

Man, they’re doing a terrible job making McIntyre look credible…and I’m thinking that they’re giving up ever making him look good by teaming him with Rhodes.  The two jump Christian after the match, which brings out Matt Hardy.  Hardy serves absolutely no purpose, as he gets his ass kicked and his robot-boot-clad foot stomped out by the heels.

Need experience?  Dye your hair gray! 

When we come back, we’re treated to Jack Swagger bitching to someone off camera…who turns out to be Eve, I think.  MVP sneaks in to goof on Swagger for having such sucky luck as of late.  The two actually have a pretty clever exchange, with Swagger challenging MVP to some kind of gimmick match.  If Swagger wins, he hosts the VIP lounge; if MVP wins, Swagger pays for MVP’s coke and whores…or something like that.

Following that exchange, we jump back in time to the RAW Rebound.  In the main even, Cena beat his evil twin, who was then mauled by his Nexus teammates.  Not a lot of people know this, but Darren Young was thrown out of Nexus, but his hair was allowed to stay.  Hopefully, Eli Cottonwood’s mustache will also get to join!

Next, Kane scares Teddy Long. (I miss Drew McIntyre calling him “Titty” with his goofy accent).  Teddy tells Kane that The Undertaker is returning next week.  Lucky him, and LUCKY US!!

Well, the main event is up next, and it’s getting about 15 minutes or so.  I’m interested in seeing this guy, even if his gimmick is a bit of a retread.

The 900th RAW would be classic if they could get Betty White to host.

Okay, things start out absolutely awesomely as Del Rio gets his own Spanish-speaking ring announcer and a Rolls Royce entrance.   He loses a few points with the fruity gold tights, though.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio

Del Rio starts with a beautiful smile and a kick to the back of Rey’s leg.  He follows up with some more kicks in the corner and another to the back of Rey’s head.  After a sloppy Irish whip, Rey takes control with some kicks of his own, a head scissors, and a low bridge that sends Del Rio flying from the ring.  As is par for the course, this leads us into some commercials.

Care to wager what’s going to happen when we come back?  Heel rear chinlock?

Cereal, thrift shops, splitting fast food lunches, and merry-go-rounds are all much more fun than drugs…honest.

I guess the WWE is sick of making expensive action moves that make $65.32 at the box office, so they’re going to make a cheap movie that will fail miserably, but won’t cost as much.  Good thinking.

Wow, when we get back, the FACE is actually winning!  Will wonders never cease?  The two go back and forth until Del Rio drapes Mysterio’s arm over the top rope.  He continues to work Rey’s arm by slamming it over the ring steps and then stepping on it with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  Del Rio gets two on a pin attempt, and then clamps on an armbar.  Rey lands three solid kicks to Del Rio’s head, but Alberto hits a nice back brain kick (Pro Wrestling RULZ!).  Del Rio tries to follow with a senton muy alto, but he misses.  Rey beats on Del Rio and pops him with a super loud kick to the back of the cabeza.  Rey follows that with a seated senton off the top rope and a flying cross body.  Del Rio tries to charge, but is put in the position for the 619.  Del Rio catches Rey, but Rey fights out of a corner slingshot, only to get hot-shotted off the top rope.  Both men are down in this match that is turning out to be pretty good.  Out of nowhere, Del Rio locks on a crazy-looking cross arm breaker to gain the submission win.  Wow!

Winner:  Alberto Del Rio

Rating:  

Three stars for the match, half a star for Del Rio’s delicious smile, a quarter point for the awesome ring announcer, and a another quarter point for the cool finisher.

Well, that was a pretty decent show.  Some angles were advanced, a decent feud was established, and Kane gave a speech.  Oh wait, that last one sucked.  Anyway, let’s hand out some awards.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  The main event was good and the Christian/McIntryre and Ziggler/Kingston matches had some high points.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night:  The SES/Big Show match was proof that this feud needs to end.  However, Hornswoggle making an appearance narrowly wins this award.

You folks have a “great” week, and I’ll be sure to do the same!  Thanks for reading!

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).