Recap for August 20,
2010
Hello, everyone, “Great” Scott here…shooting my mouth
off, but watching my aim.
Two weeks in and I already don’t like the theme
song to SmackDown, but what am I going to do? I’m certainly
not invincible.
This
week’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week is The Great Gatsby,
the novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The book is
about a mysterious wealthy fellow who throws crazy
parties and engages in unsavory activities that enthrall
his neighbor, Nick Carraway, who’s the narrator of the
story. I
had to read this book in high school, and it wasn’t too
bad…you can pick it up at any local bookstore.
Before we continue, it’s time for my non-wrestling
related rant, which is related to an experience I had a
couple weeks back.
I live about 30 miles from Disney World, so my
wife and I went for my birthday weekend. What struck me
as ridiculous is the amount of people who waste time
texting people while on vacation. First of all,
you’re wasting time on the vacation you (or most like
likely your parents) have probably paid a fortune for to
text your idiot friends that you’re sitting on a bench
typing on a stupid little phone. Second, if the
person you’re texting was important enough to you,
they’d be with you on vacation. Third, I’m
thinking that the person receiving the text is probably
saying, “Okay, douche hat, I get that you’re on vacation
while I’m at home making Eggos…leave me alone!” Instead of
texting about your life, try living it!!
Okay, on to the show.
We start things off by getting a SummerSlam recap of the
Kane/Rey Mysterio/Undertaker storyline, which we soooooo
didn’t see coming 50 miles away. Kane is going to
waste our time tonight explaining why he did what he
did. Goody
for all of us.
Now we’re heading to the ring, where Rey Mysterio is
going to talk, wrestle, or both. He starts by
making my wildest dreams NOT come true by speaking a lot
of Spanish and kissing the asses of the fans, going so
far as to thank them for helping him get through his
match with Kane at SummerSlam. Congratulations
fans, thanks for helping me lose!!
Ummmm…okay?
Anyway,
Rey goes on to say more stuff that I don’t care about,
until Alberto Del Rio comes out to speak even more
Spanish.
Jesus, if I wanted to listen to this much Spanish
and broken English, I’d go to Taco Bell and rent La
Bamba.
The gist of the exchange is that
Rey eventually starts to verbally fight back,
punctuating his verbal assault with still more Spanish. Damn ferners!!!
Speak English if you want to come to Amurica!!
Just kidding, folks.
Finally, Rey challenges
Since the WWE likes to make people pay for matches and
then give them the matches for free, we’re getting Dolph
Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston NEXT!
Apparently, guys with gray hair don’t get laid, at least
according to Just for Men and nine-year-old girls.
Are you f’ing kidding me? Before I get to
see a good match, I have to sit through another shitty
Cody Rhodes beauty tips segment. You know how to
be more dashing? Stop wearing queer nose studs, get rid
of your lisp,…AND GET THAT DAMN EYE MOLE REMOVED!!!
Now, on to something worthwhile…
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
Yeah, I got SummerSlam.
The card pretty much sucked except for the main
event. This
match would’ve been good, but the braintrust at WWE
decided to have the Nexus interfere…awesome. They couldn’t
thrown a garbage match like Swagger vs. MVP on there and
had THEM get beaten up? Like last week,
way to make that IC belt MATTER, WWE!
The match starts with the “vintage” tie up (© Michael
Cole).
Ziggler makes an early retreat, but returns to
the ring and gets the upper hand with an elbow, a
takedown, and a neckbreaker. Kofi fights
back, but Ziggler remains in control with punches,
kicks, and a rear chinlock. Kofi punches out
and hits some kicks before Vicki grabs his foot,
distracting
Clothes from Sports Authority contain HGH.
If you smoke, people hate you.
When we return, the heel has the advantage with a
chinlock for a change.
At least Ziggler makes the resthold look like
it’s actually doing something, unlike other wrestlers
(coughRandyOrtoncough).
Winner: Kofi Kingston
(by DQ)
Rating:
After the match, Vicki prevents Kofi from catching
Ziggler, and then Ziggler jumps him, hits the Zig Zag,
and then locks on a super-angry-looking sleeper. Have I mentioned
that I hate Vicki?
The match was pretty decent, but I have to take a
half “G” off for her being within three miles of the
ring.
Even after I type this, Ziggler is still eyeing
Kingston.
It’s funny, Ziggler actually pulls off arrogant
50 times better than Orton. Ziggler
threatens to stomp on Kofi’s face, and then actually
stomps his head like a rotten pumpkin…damn, that was
bruuuutal.
RATING CHANGE!
NEW Rating:
That post-match stomp was crazy. It was easily
worth half a “G.”
I wonder if John Cena teaches the kid how to get beat up
95 percent of a match, only to get up completely
unscathed and clamp on a finisher in the last three
seconds and win.
$10 in Florida will get you a cab ride that goes seven
and a half feet...nice try anti-DUI people!
If you get your kids apple slices in their Happy Meals,
they will grow up to hate you.
SummerSlam absolutely sucked.
My buddies and I paid $45 for what was
essentially a one-trick show. Every match
sucked and/or ended stupidly and they actually scrapped
a divas match that they didn’t even bother to replace
(Snuka’s daughter vs. Anvil’s daughter? I mean, come on
guys…it took me 20 seconds to think of that one).
When we return from commercial, LayCool insults Melina
propensity for crying (Lady Waa Waa…clever) and
Hornswoggle hides in a plant. I’m going to
leave that one as it lies.
Ummm…the announcers, thinking we have no short-term
memory, decide to recap the Kane/Undertaker squabble
from SummerSlam.
Fun!
After that, we head to the back, where we learn that
Luke Gallows and Serena are taking on Big Show and Kelly
Kelly. What
a treat! CM
Punk wanders in and tells Gallows and Serena if they
don’t win, they’re out of the SES. What a great
punishment!
If you guys don’t win, you don’t get to be
tackling dummies that take beatings for me anymore! That’s what I
call motivation.
Hey, Johnson, if you don’t get that report done
by 5:00, I’ll stop kicking you in the nuts every day at
lunch!
Can you save more money by switching to Geico? Does a man who
farts in church sit in his own pew?
Luke Gallows and Serena (with Joey
Mercury) vs. The Big Show and Kelly Kelly
I see that Joe Mercury has commandeered The Big Boss
Man’s old vest and Corporal Kersherner’s old pants. The WWE is big
on recycling, they do it with gimmicks all the
time…ZING!
Well,
it looks like the men are going to start, with Gallows
quickly tagging to Serena. Good luck not
getting killed, Serena. Sloppy wrestling
follows, with Serena wrestling only slightly less
sloppily.
Kelly eventually hits a jaw breaker, a Thesz
press, and her stupid spinning head scissors. Eventually,
Gallows makes the save and Big Show dumps him to the
outside.
Back in the ring, Serena hits a gut buster on
Kelly Kelly to get the win and mercifully end this
poopfest.
Winners: Luke Gallows and
Serena
Rating:
At
least Serena won’t be steering a wheelchair with a
straw…which is an accomplishment considering she was
just in the ring with Kelly Kelly.
Professor Lasky is doing exorcisms?!? Who’s going to
teach Zack’s, Kelly’s, Slater’s, and Screech’s
anthropology class!?!
When we return, Kane is in the ring with a crazy voice
machine making his stupid laugh sound menacingly stupid.
Kane doesn’t look nearly as intimidating sitting
in a folding chair. The fact that
Kane is sitting makes me think that he’s going to ramble
for a while…and I’d be right. Not only does he
ramble for what seems like an eternity, we also get a
Kane video montage. You know, it’s
hard to take this ridiculous speech seriously with the
evil cartoon villain music playing in the background.
Essentially, Kane says that after multiple beatdowns, he
befriended his brother and waited until the time was
right and that Undertaker isn’t as strong or as
intimidating as he used to be.
This was Kane’s master plan? The only guy I
can remember Undertaker losing to recently was Vladimir
Kozlov.
Hell, he beat Shawn Michaels TWICE…so how is he
weaker? The
crowd pretty much reacts like I do: they really couldn’t
give any less of a shit. That was a waste
of what felt like six hours.
Man, are they cramming this Del Rio debut down our
throats. I
hope this guy is at least halfway decent.
After the break, since nothing interesting has happened
on SmackDown in two weeks, we go back to three weeks
ago, where Christian beats Drew McIntyre. Wow, McIntyre is
the suckiest chosen one I’ve ever seen.
Christian vs. Drew McIntyre
Now that McIntyre has defeated the titan that is Matt
Hardy, it’s up one rung on the ladder to Christian.
Well, I wanted to like this match, but Cody Rhodes
decides to come out to ruin things.
Some back and forth to start, with Christian sending
McIntyre to the outside with a head scissors. McIntyre
takes control outside, but almost trips over the
security fence.
He gains control by draping Christian’s arm over the
fence.
McIntyre continues to work over Christian’s arm
while Cody Rhodes provides nothing of value at the
announce table.
Inside the ring, McIntryre works the arm until Christian
fights out…only to get flung to the mat. And because Cody
Rhodes is boring us all to sleep, we’re treated to some
commercials so we can go get an energy drink or some
strong coffee.
Look! The heel has a
rest hold on!
UNIQUE!
Christian tries to fight up, but McIntryre uses
his arm to take him back down. McIntyre follows
this up with a bottom rope choke and a series of stomps.
After a bit, Christian gets a pair of kicks in
before hitting a wicked-looking DDT from off the second
rope. He
follows that up with a running forearm shot and a flurry
of punches in the corner. Christian pumps
up and hits a nice leaping low dropkick on McIntyre, who
is laid out in the corner. This match is
starting to pick up! McIntryre sends
Christian to the corner, but Christian moves and hits
his upside-down kick in the corner before missing the
flying uppercut.
McIntryre makes a comeback with an arm DDT. He tries to
follow with his double arm DDT, but Christian escapes
and tries to go for the Killswitch, which also fails.
McIntyre catches Christian and drops him sloppily
over the top turnbuckle, but Christian manages to float
over and lock on a crucifix pin for the victory.
Winner:
Christian
Rating:
Man, they’re doing a terrible job making McIntyre look
credible…and I’m thinking that they’re giving up ever
making him look good by teaming him with Rhodes. The two jump
Christian after the match, which brings out Matt Hardy.
Hardy serves absolutely no purpose, as he gets
his ass kicked and his robot-boot-clad foot stomped out
by the heels.
Need experience?
Dye your hair gray!
When we come back, we’re treated to Jack Swagger
bitching to someone off camera…who turns out to be Eve,
I think.
MVP sneaks in to goof on Swagger for having such sucky
luck as of late.
The two actually have a pretty clever exchange,
with Swagger challenging MVP to some kind of gimmick
match. If
Swagger wins, he hosts the VIP lounge; if MVP wins,
Swagger pays for MVP’s coke and whores…or something like
that.
Following that exchange, we jump back in time to the RAW
Rebound. In
the main even, Cena beat his evil twin, who was then
mauled by his Nexus teammates. Not a lot of
people know this, but Darren Young was thrown out of
Nexus, but his hair was allowed to stay. Hopefully, Eli
Cottonwood’s mustache will also get to join!
Next, Kane scares Teddy Long. (I miss Drew McIntyre
calling him “Titty” with his goofy accent). Teddy tells Kane
that The Undertaker is returning next week. Lucky him, and
LUCKY US!!
Well, the main event is up next, and it’s getting about
15 minutes or so.
I’m interested in seeing this guy, even if his
gimmick is a bit of a retread.
The 900th RAW would be classic if they could
get Betty White to host.
Okay, things start out absolutely awesomely as Del Rio
gets his own Spanish-speaking ring announcer and a Rolls
Royce entrance. He loses a
few points with the fruity gold tights, though.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio
Del
Rio starts with a beautiful smile and a kick to the back
of Rey’s leg.
He follows up with some more kicks in the corner
and another to the back of Rey’s head. After a sloppy
Irish whip, Rey takes control with some kicks of his
own, a head scissors, and a low bridge that sends Del
Rio flying from the ring. As is par for
the course, this leads us into some commercials.
Care to wager what’s going to happen when we come back? Heel rear
chinlock?
Cereal, thrift shops, splitting fast food lunches, and
merry-go-rounds are all much more fun than drugs…honest.
I guess the WWE is sick of making expensive action moves
that make $65.32 at the box office, so they’re going to
make a cheap movie that will fail miserably, but won’t
cost as much.
Good thinking.
Wow, when we get back, the FACE is actually winning! Will wonders
never cease?
The two go back and forth until Del Rio drapes
Mysterio’s arm over the top rope. He continues to
work Rey’s arm by slamming it over the ring steps and
then stepping on it with a huge shit-eating grin on his
face. Del
Rio gets two on a pin attempt, and then clamps on an
armbar. Rey
lands three solid kicks to Del Rio’s head, but Alberto
hits a nice back brain kick (Pro Wrestling RULZ!). Del Rio tries to
follow with a senton muy alto, but he misses. Rey beats on Del
Rio and pops him with a super loud kick to the back of
the cabeza.
Rey follows that with a seated senton off the top
rope and a flying cross body. Del Rio tries to
charge, but is put in the position for the 619. Del Rio catches
Rey, but Rey fights out of a corner slingshot, only to
get hot-shotted off the top rope. Both men are
down in this match that is turning out to be pretty
good. Out
of nowhere, Del Rio locks on a crazy-looking cross arm
breaker to gain the submission win.
Wow!
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Rating:
Three stars for the match, half a star for Del Rio’s
delicious smile, a quarter point for the awesome ring
announcer, and a another quarter point for the cool
finisher.
Well, that was a pretty decent show. Some angles were
advanced, a decent feud was established, and Kane gave a
speech. Oh
wait, that last one sucked. Anyway, let’s
hand out some awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The main event
was good and the Christian/McIntryre and Ziggler/Kingston
matches had some high points.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: The SES/Big Show
match was proof that this feud needs to end. However,
Hornswoggle making an appearance narrowly wins this
award.
You folks have a “great” week, and I’ll be sure to do
the same!
Thanks for reading!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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