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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

August 19, 2011


“Great” Scott’s WWE SmackDown Recap for August 19, 2011


We start the program with the WWE reminding us that this is Randy Orton’s show and no one is allowed to be the champion (or to even look credible) for more than a week or so. After that verbal BJ, the show starts with ANOTHER verbal BJ from Teddy Long. Since these are two of my least favorite performers on the roster, it’s time to fast forward…

…until Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase come out. Hey Ted, guess what’s going to happen to you? Sweet Jesus, with Rhodes and Orton slow-talking in the ring together, this segment will take about seven hours. It’s fun to listen to Rhodes say, “hideoutttttttttttth,” (or “hideous” for those of you who don’t speak Rhodesian) with his Rhodes’ trademark lisp. I guess there’s going to be a battle royal tonight to determine the number one contender…oops, Ted just got RKO’d…wow, that sure was unpredictable. Teddy Long ends the segment by being a dickhead. Orton RKOs DiBiase and Long punishes Rhodes…awesome sense of faces and heels here, guys.

There’s a LIVE SmackDown on August 30…be still my beating heart.

I like how Keith Stone (of the Keystone Light beer commercials) has superpowers, but is still a stereotypical redneck. Way to know your demographics, Keystone!

The new Deus Ex game looks BAD ASS!

Cody Rhodes vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Jackson starts with shots in the corner, an Irish whip, and a side slam ala Dino Bravo. Rhodes tries to escape Jackson’s clutches with an enziguiri, but Jackson ducks and continues to dominate. Rhodes gets in his sliding punch, but Jackson no sells and continues to maintain control. After a failed pin attempt by Jackson, Rhodes slides to the apron and stuns Jackson over the top rope. Rhodes follows up with a bulldog and series of stomps in the corner. Rhodes takes a second to yell at the crowd before unleasing a string of punches. Jackson tries to fight back, but a forearm shot from Rhodes puts him down. Rhodes clamps on a neck wrench, but Jackson escapes and unleashes hell on him in the corner. Jackson tries a back body drop, but Rhodes escapes to the outside. Rhodes runs and Jackson follows, but Rhodes kicks the steps into Jackson’s ankle. Back in the ring, Jackson tries for the torture rack, but his now-injured ankle causes him to drop Rhodes, who focuses on the injured leg. Rhodes follows with the leaping kick and the CrossRhodes to get the win. Wow, a clean win for Cody Rhodes. Interesting.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Rating:

I’m pretty amazed with the outcome of that match. I guess Ezekiel Jackson will have to go back to beating up enhancement talent to look legit again…

They show the graphic with the 20 men in the battle royal main event. Less than 10 deserve to be anywhere near a main event match. One plus, however, is that William Regal will be padding out the list! It’s so painfully obvious who’s going to win this, considering Mark Henry has beaten three other big sloths lately and is being made to look unbeatable…plus, he’s one of the few guys on the WWE roster that can make Randy Orton look like a fast-moving technician with a varied move set.

After the commercial break, Zack Ryder does his, “I’m the new Santino,” schtick until that Russian chick from NXT comes in to do a sexual inuendo skit with Teddy Long. It’s about as interesting as it sounds.

I love the picture of Justin Gabriel with his dad…pink bow ties on fat guys are always awesome.

Wow, Justin Gabriel is a face now, too. Really, WWE…can you justify ANYTHING you do anymore?

Justin Gabriel (with Face Turn) vs. Tyson Kidd (without Douche Crown)

Sooooo…you release Kozlov and David Hart Smith and you put Kevin Nash on television? Seriously, this new HHH-led WWE storyline is already starting to suck.

A quick takedown leads to a nice chain wrestling sequence. Gabriel Irish whips Kidd to the corner, buy Kidd leaps up and head scissors Gabriel into the corner. Kidd follows up by choking Gabriel over the ropes with his knee. Kidd snapmares Gabriel and hits a seated dropkick. He follows with a back elbow and a pin attempt. Gabriel kicks out, so Kidd puts a knee in Gabriel’s back and yanks back on his arms. Gabriel escapes, so Kidd goes for a suplex; Gabriel flips out and back brain kicks Kidd. Gabriel follows with a series of kicks, a spin kick, and a discuss punch. Kidd retreates to the corner, so Gabriel lays in a forearm shot. Kidd reverses an Irish whip, but Gabriel moves out of the way of a charge and heads to the top for a crossbody block. Kidd, however, rolls through and goes for what looks like a half crab. Gabriel manages to roll up Kidd, but he doesn’t get the three count. Kidd walks right into an STO from Gabriel. Gabriel goes up for the 450 splash, but Kidd follows. Unfortunately for him, Kidd ends up taking a dive as Gabriel tosses him to the mat. Gabriel follows with the 450 splash to get the win. Nice match.

Winner: Justin Gabriel

Rating:

That was another decent enough match. Two in a row means that I’m in for some trouble.

After the match, we’re “treated” to a Jinder Mahal interview. He’s going to win the battle royal tonight…and I’m going to be elected Secretary of the Interior.

What?!?! Another Alberto Del Rio match?!? This guy is the hardest working man in the business!! I must’ve done something right!

Before his match, Del Rio gives an awesome interview that has the crowd booing like mad. Ricardo Rodriguez is a better performer than literally half the WWE roster.

Daniel Bryan comes out (to new music, no less) and Del Rio immediately starts mocking him. Bryan’s comeback is that Del Rio is a bad person for cashing in his Money in the Bank title shot…just like everyone else has done since they started the gimmick. Ummmm…so according to Daniel Bryan, you should sell low and buy high? If it were up to him, I guess our troops would stand on the battlefield and invite the opposing army to fight instead of using intelligent tactics…because only losers take advantage of the situation.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan

Del Rio powers Bryan into the corner, but Bryan immediately turns things around and starts beating on him. Del Rio ends up rolling out of the ring, but Bryan gives chase, only to have Del Rio kick him as he rolls back into the ring. Del Rio stomps away at Bryan until the ref stops him. After a failed pin attempt, Del Rio starts working over Bryan’s shoulder. Bryan punches his way out, but Del Rio puts him back down with a headbutt. After another failed pin attempt, Del Rio clamps on a headlock. Bryan gets to his feel, but Del Rio hits a shoulderblock to put him back down. Bryan, however, lands a knee lift and starts kicking the crap out of Del Rio. Del Rio stumbles into the corner, and Bryan lands a pair of European uppercuts. Bryan goes for an Irish whip, but Del Rio reverses it. The two men fight in the corner, with Del Rio coming out on top with the double-knee armbreaker of the second turnbuckle. Another pin attempt gets a two count for Del Rio, who follows up with an angry series of punches and another hold focusing on Bryan’s arm and shoulder. Bryan fights out again and attempts a sunset flip, only to have Del Rio escape and drop an elbow on his arm. Wow, yet ANOTHER failed pin attempt for Del Rio. And another! After the second attempt, Del Rio applies a top overhand wristlock that he turns into another arm bar. Bryan gets up and lays in about a half dozen European uppercuts. Del Rio, however, reverses an Irish whip and goes for another pin attempt that gets two. Wow, Del Rio is actually using a psychological plan of attack…seriously, he is a prototypical heel. Del Rio continues to work over Bryan’s arm, until he fails on three consecutive corner charges. Bryan regains control with a flurry of kicks and his leaping clothesline/forearm. Bryan puts his head down, which allows Del Rio to get a shot in, but Bryan back body drops him over the top when he tries to follow up. On the floor, Bryan hits a sweet leaping knee off the apron. He heads to the top rope for what I can only assume is his missile dropkick, but Del Rio moves and Bryan lands on his feet. Del Rio sneaks in from behind and pops off with a nice German suplex that gets him a near fall. Del Rio beats on Bryan in the corner and props him on the top turnbuckle. Del Rio tries for a back superplex, but Bryan floats over into a cross body block. Man this match is better than 90 percent of PPV matches.

After a commercial break, we return to see Del Rio and Bryan exchanging punches and kicks. Bryan gets the better of the exchange with his running dropkick in the corner. Bryan heads to the top turnbuckle and hits his missile dropkick. Bryan goes for the pin and gets about a 2.8 count. When Del Rio gets to his knees, Bryan proceeds to land a series of stinging kicks to his chest. Del Rio ducks and a textbook chain wrestling sequence follows, culminating with Bryan locking in that octopus-looking front face lock submission hold he uses. Del Rio looks like he might tap, but he slams Bryan in the corner and hits what looks like a northern lights suplex that he floats into a normal suplex that he floats into the cross arm breaker for the win.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

Rating: That match might not have been a high spot fest, move-a-second match like some people enjoy, but you’ll be hard pressed to find a better, more technically sound match between any other two stars on the WWE roster. That was a straight-up clinic on how to perform in a well-paced, well-fought match. The sad part is that one guy isn’t even on the SmackDown roster. Good show from both guys.

After the match, Del Rio attacks Bryan and Sin Cara makes the save.

Whee…a Mark Henry interview! I didn’t realize that Mark Henry had such a strong grasp of metaphors.

Domino’s has a pizza tracker…will it track when the employees head out back to smoke a blunt? Or when they pick their noses and wipe it on my pizza? I didn’t think so.

Since the crowd is all worked up after that last match, let’s cleanse our pallets with…

Kelly Kelly and AJ vs. Natalya and Alicia Fox

So, Beth Phoenix couldn’t be here? Seriously, they are ruining the hell out of this “beauty vs. ability” angle, and they have the roster to really make it work.

Natalya ruins AJ to start things off and then tags to Alicia. Alicia does little of interest and then taunts Kelly Kelly. Wow, AJ is new and she’s STILL doing more work than Kelly Kelly. The heels tag a couple more times and I’m losing interest super-fast. AJ fights out of the heel corner and tags to Kelly Kelly who botches the first three moves she tries before at least getting the stink face right. More botching follows before Kelly Kelly hits her leg drop finisher to mercifully end the match.

Winners: Kelly Kelly and AJ

Rating:

Again, I’ll always give Kelly Kelly one star for not killing anyone.

After the match, the heels yell at each other until Natalya whallops Alicia and applies the Sharpshooter…for all of about six seconds. For some reason, Alicia holds her chest afterwards…maybe she popped an implant.

After another commercial break, the WWE gives itself a big SummerSlam/Be a Star BJ. The best part is Sheamus Brogue Kicking a dummy on the Conan O’Brien show.

Wow, Jordin Sparks is taller than Rey Mysterio…

Sheamus, Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Jinder Mahal, Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, William Regal, Zack Ryder, Yoshi Tatsu, Sin Cara, Ted Dibiase, Cody Rhodes, Heath Slater, The Usos, Johnny Curtis, Ezekiel Jackson, Trent Barretta, Tyson Kidd, and ummm….I Only Count 19

Randy Orton comes out first to…I can’t even imagine. I’m sure he’ll make the winner look credible by RKO’ing him right out of the gate.

Barrett has gotten his jacket back! Awesome!

Okay, I guess Daniel Bryan (who was in the graphic earlier) will not be competing in this match, which is good, because you knew he wasn’t going to win.

Mark Henry eliminates Barretta and Tatsu right outta’ the gate. Mahal cleverly hides behind The Great Khali for a majority of the beginning of the match. Wade Barrett eliminates Johnny Curtis in short order. Wow, this match has gone on for three minutes and Zack Ryder’s still in it! Oops…Sin Cara just hip tossed him out. Ryder vs. Orton would have been EPIC. Cody Rhodes almost goes out at the hands of Ezekiel Jackson, but he flips back in…only to have Jackson clothesline him out. Jackson, however, doesn’t last much longer, as The Great Khali tosses him out. Next up, Khali vs. Henry! This titanic struggle lasts about 45 seconds, as Henry tosses Khali in short order. Sheamus attacks Henry, so Henry does what any unbeatable beast would do…he runs away. Slater tries to attack Sheamus, and Sheamus boots him out of the ring. Outside the ring, Henry beats up Slater for no real reason.

Stop…commercial time!

After the commercials, it appears at least one or two guys have been eliminated. I don’t see Regal anymore. Nice work getting Henry back in the ring, refs. Next up, Sin Cara eliminates Justin Gabriel. Sheamus eliminates both Usos. Finally, Henry gets back in and is immediately attacked by Jinder Mahal and Ted Dibiase…and Henry quickly tosses them both. On the other side of the ring, Sin Cara eliminates Tyson Kidd. The final four are Barrett, Sin Cara, Henry, and Sheamus. Wow, big surprise. All three men attack Mark Henry, but then Barrett intelligently attacks Sheamus. Do guys ever use logic in these matches? Eventually, Barrett and Sheamus fight on the apron, which is also a super-intelligent thing to do in a battle royal. Sheamus eventually punches Barrett off the apron, and dodges an incoming Sin Cara, who ends up leaping through the ropes. Sin Cara continues to amazingly stay in the ring. Henry attacks Sheamus from behind and tosses him…and Sin Cara immediately botches a cross body. I’m sure Sin Cara vs. Randy Orton is not in the cards. Sin Cara fails at a few moves, gets hit with the World’s Strongest Slam, and gets press slammed to the floor.

Winner: Mark Henry

Rating:

That wasn’t horrible, but it was INSANELY predictable. After the match, Mark Henry smells Randy Orton…and on that note, I’m outta’ here.

Wow, that was one of the best shows, overall, that I’ve seen in a while. Lucky me! Let’s hand out some awards and close the book on this show before they decide to add a Mark Henry vs. Great Khali grudge match!

The Really Great Thing of the Night: Alberto Del Rio and Daniel Bryan put on one of the best matches you’ll see on SmackDown.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: A little too much Teddy Long and a horrible Divas match.

That’s it for this evening, folks. Come back next week…where I begin to outline my plan for becoming President of the United States in 2012 (since I’m 35 now and eligible to run)!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).