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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(08/14/09)
BY IAN SPARKE
[For last week's SMACKDOWN RANT Click HERE].
 
FUUUUUUUCK. FUCK. Fuck. Okay, we've all been here. I spend over two hours writing a recap for this week's SmackDown. In notepad. Without saving. And the computer freezes. Great. So, I'm having to start again. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it - the rant I wrote wasn't particularly funny. So I'm going to re-recap this week's show using PROSE. Stick with it, I don't like poetry either. I'm trying to not bore myself.
 
We start with a recap
Jeff Hardy and Punk
Matt Hardy was ringside
Head caked in brown gunk
He counted the pin
A ref he was not
CM Punk grabbed a chair
and cracked Jeff on the spot
Out came Teddy Long
Probation be damned
Punk and Hardy once more
TLC, SummerSlam.
 
Here comes CM Punk
Heel as can be
Proclaiming TLC dominance
Over one Jeff Hardy
He calls us all slaves
to drugs and to booze
He will rid us of Hardy
He believes he can't lose
Yet here's Teddy Long
Saying Jeff's here tonight
And Punk's facing JoMo
The Friday Night Delight
Jeff shuffles out now
In street clothes, he's hurt
And much like Matt last week
He has washed with a turd.
 
Now Kane has kidnapped Ranjin
Khali's little friend
It seems like this feud
will never fucking end
Teddy Long gets a phone call
From Mr Mcmahon
Jeff must face Smith and Kidd?
Ridiculous, man!
 
At last, here's a match
And assaulting my ears
The music of Finlay
Brings me close to tears
Far better is Dolph
Improving tenfold
From his days as plain Nicky
The cheerleading choad
Both guys are on form
Dolph sells like a champ
But here comes Mike Knox
Beard bushy, head damp
Knox stands there at ringside
Charles Manson, inflated
whilst Ziggler's dominance
Rolls on unabated
A nice little match
These two guys deliver
By the way has Maria
been thrown in a river?
Knox with a shillelagh
Cracks Finlay's left knee
And Dolph hits the Zig Zag
For the one two three.
After the bell
Knox beats Finlay down
His voice strangely high
It does make me frown
 
But back to the cellar
With Ranjin and Kane
For such stupid writing
Is Ranjin to blame?
An R-Truth vid package
restores some levity
If only his push
Had not such brevity
Backstage with three Divas
My brain turns to mush
I'm driven to yawn
One can find better acting
et cetera, in porn
 
At last, here is JoMo
His foe, CM Punk
These guys make it look easy
Not one match has stunk
John here is made
All he needs is a belt
To go with his shades
and animal pelt
This match? It is super
Tight as can be
Their best outing yet
According to me
Near-thirteen minutes
back and forth, to and fro
Punk's GTS hits
It's the end for JoMo
 
Melina and Layla
Come out to play
But we're back in the basement
with Kane and his prey
Khali is Singh's brother?
Will this tale ever end?
Or like most of Kane's plotlines
Clog up a U-bend?
Kane's terror is long gone
He needs a new guise
Kane for Raw GM!
In nice suits and ties.
 
Back to the Divas
Botches galore
While I stare into space
My ears growing sore
With all this damn screaming
I wish it to stop
But I've seen far, far worse
From the female crop.
Melina has won
The match had no plot
It was kind of a mess
but I guess they're both hot.
 
Yo yo yo, here are Cryme Tyme
Tard says the word 'crunk'
Sometimes when he babbles
I wish I were drunk.
They lay into Jericho
JTG's facing Show
He beat Jericho last week
Another win this week?
C'mon G, hell no!
Show turns him to paste
It doesn't take much
JTG eats a chokeslam
and a Colossal Clutch.
 
Now back to the basement
Khali frees his bro
Kane's lead pipe he sees not
Because he's a bit slow.
A recap of DX?
I couldn't care less
Triple H should turn heel
not continue this mess.
 
Now here's the last match
Jeff takes on the Harts
His face is so brown
It may smell of farts
The match, it is pointless
Hart and Smith dominate
Jeff can always sell well
But this really ain't great
Kidd needs to stop screaming
And Smith's still too green
For them to be mixed up
in the World Title scene
The end, it comes quickly
Out comes Punk from the back
Hardy's defeated
By a Hart Attack.
 
Punk attacks Hardy
and here's Morrison!
Soon it's a clusterfuck
but it's still pretty fun.
More damage to Hardy
his head through a chair
MATT HARDY to the rescue
from out of nowhere!
So Matt's once more a face
And not looking so brown
He stands reunited
with Jeffrey the Clown.
Next week we have Punk
And the Hart Dynasty
Versus John fuckin' Morrison
And the brothers Hardy.
 
So, there we have it. I apologise profusely for my tardiness and for half-assing this recap (let's be honest) - I've been jetlagged and shit. Next week, normal service will be 100% resumed. Stick with it, the road to SummerFest looks fun. And SmackDown is 500 times better than Raw. Fuck Raw. I'm Ian Sparke, and I MUST TRY HARDER.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).