Well, hello everyone! “Great” Scott, here in the big leagues, doing his first official recap of one of WWE’s flagship shows. I don’t know if you folks have read my WWE Superstars recaps, but if you haven’t, that’s okay. As a matter of fact, I’m glad you have better things to do than to read my recaps of WWE’s fourth-string show. I’ve also decided to switch things up, so even if you’re new, you’re coming on board to a fresh, new format.
The first new thing I’m going to introduce is “Great” Scott’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week. You’ll pretty much notice the theme of this little gimmick right away, but I figure I need to personalize this mess one way or another, so you’ll have to lump it.
This week’s sponsor is Post’s Great Grains Cereal. Available in delicious varieties like raisins, dates, and pecans, it’s a cereal that someone whose nickname is “Great” Scott can wholeheartedly support…and vice versa, I hope. Have yourself a bowl while you read my GREAT recaps!
The next new feature I’m going to add to my recaps is “Great” Scott’s Random Rant of the Week. This week’s rant is about that fruit loop flight attendant that got pissed off at a passenger, stole a beer, and scooted off the plane via the inflatable slide. Some people are actually calling this jackass a “working class hero.” Ummm…a guy who essentially hands out blankets, peanuts, and fourth-rate TV dinners is going to quit his job over an angry flier? Really? Dude, I worked in a grocery store for six years. I had to clean up old man poop (yep, an old man crapped himself right in the floral department), pour bleach on maggots, kill rats stuck to glue traps, and deal with hundreds of inconsiderate customers every day. As far as this scenario, I’m thinking that after being nearly strip searched, standing in lines with smelly a-holes, and having to pay $300 in fees to check bags, you should figure people are going to be a little pissed. Plus, the last three or four times I’ve flown, my stewardesses…oh, excuse me…flight attendants, haven’t exactly been stunning examples of good customer service. Listen up, nitwit, go get your job back, shut your mouth, point out the stupid emergency exits, and get me my undersized can of soda and pretzels. You’re not a hero, you’re a loser who couldn’t handle a job that’s as mentally taxing as that of a tollbooth operator…and that’s probably an insult to tollbooth operators. If you don’t like the perils of being a flight attendant, do something else…moron.
Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with this week’s SmackDown!
My first SmackDown recap starts out badly, as the first person I’m introduced to is Vicki Guerrero. Those flowers around her neck are the only way she’ll ever get lei’d for the rest of her life….HUZZAH! After screaming, “Excuse me!” about 100 times, she introduces Dolph Ziggler (Mr. Perfect 1.8), who gives the credit for his IC championship win to Vicki, and I die a little inside. Dolph and Vicki schmooze for a little bit more before Kofi Kingston charges out. The two fight a bit (including a botched through the ropes dive by Kofi) before Teddy Long joins the festivities. He sets up the first wholly decent match at SummerSlam: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. Teddy also announces Ziggler vs. Rey Mysterio for later tonight. The WWE uses awesome logic to punish the guy who actually GOT attacked, not the attacker. Vicki protests, but Teddy reminds her he’s a face and he only screws over heels. Kofi stupidly disagrees and says he’s no coward. For his stupidity, he’s rewarded with a match with Kane. Nice move, Kofi.
Before the match, we’re treated to a video package of
Kane vs. Rey Mysterio.
This angle is one of the worst angles I’ve seen.
First, Undertaker was too lazy and egotistical to
even show up attacked on television (Yes, I know he was
getting married to Bones McBulimia, but, he couldn’t
even do a two-minute appearance?). Second, everyone
who watches WWE even casually knows it was Kane. This plot is as
After the video package, we see Kane WALKING…ANGRILY.
Wow, even the commercials are better on SmackDown! Shitty Domino’s commercials and Hulk Hogan Rent-a-Center commercials were wearing thin on me.
Kofi Kingston vs. Kane (Non-Title Match)
Well, it appears that
Do I really even need to recap this one? Kofi starts
quickly, but Kane pretty much no-sells everything
(including a botched corner jump by
Eventually, Kingston moves out of the way of a corner charge and lands some punches and his flipping corner kick, but Kane catches him on the top rope and chokeslams him halfway across the ring. Kane follows this up with a tombstone piledriver for the win. Thanks for playing, Kofi.
match was plodding and its logic was pretty much
After the match, Kane gets on the mic and says the same crap he’s been saying for the last two months. For some reason, the cameraman has his camera jammed right up Kane’s nose…allowing us to see that Kane has apparently been sprayed with Arrogance, as his eyes are two different colors.
After five hours (more or less) of rambling, Rey comes out to get all religious and Spanish-speaking on Kane. He follows by accusing Kane and saying that he’s going to win the belt. Well, wasn’t that nice? Eh, not really…but, whatever.
Ah, on SmackDown, I’ve been promoted to Pizza Hut commercials! I’m living the high life now!
Hey, look at this…another match!
Christian vs. Cody Rhodes (There’s no way I’m calling him “Dashing.)
Before the match, Cody and Drew McIntyre share a moment…or not.
This whole “Dashing” thing would work a little better with a guy who doesn’t look mildly retarded. The fancy Member’s Only jacket is pretty studly, though.
The match starts quick, with
Hold on, didn’t Shawn Michaels do this gimmick a ways back with Rick Martel? They had a whole match where they weren’t supposed to punch each other in the face…good to see original ideas aren’t dead in WWE!
Tony Stewart working at Burger King? Is that really a stretch?
When we return, Cody has Christian in a modified armbar. He continues to
work on Christian’s arm, slamming him down on top of it.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
That would’ve been a five-star affair on Superstars. On this show, I’m setting the bar a little higher. The match wasn’t great, but it was certainly better than average.
When we return, we’re reminded of the SES’s attack on Big Show from two weeks ago. It was a pretty awesome attack, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately, this video package leads into…
Big Show vs. Larry, Moe, and Curly
I mean, seriously, do you really think I’m going to waste my time pausing my DVR to type these morons’ names? Nope.
Big Show really sells the injured hand, as every move he performs in this stupid squash match involves it…including a chokeslam or two and his punch finisher. Eventually, Show wins this clusterf*ck.
Winner: Big Show
After this, Luke Gallows begins to taunt Big Show, but CM Punk angrily stops him before rambling about destroying Big Show with his orchestra of pain. Is Matt Striker writing this garbage? Seriously…CM Punk made me care LESS about their SummerSlam match.
I will only buy the Best of RAW DVD if The Undertaker vs. Damien Demento is on there. The Outer Reaches of Your Mind is the best hometown EVER!
When we return from commercials, we go right to…
Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre
Is this still feud still going on? McIntyre is the future of the WWE and he’s having problems convincingly beating Matt Hardy. Interesting. I still think that Drew McIntyre looks like the antagonist in a Final Fantasy game.
So, the match starts with a lot of punching and kicking. McIntryre takes control, but quickly loses it, as Hardy clotheslines him out of the ring. McIntyre fights back and sends Hardy to the security wall. McIntyre, however, charges, and Hardy sends him over the wall. Hardy follows this up with a Side Effect on the floor. Hardy rolls McIntyre back in the ring and goes for a pin. Matt continues to stay on the offensive until McIntyre stops Hardy in the corner and hits a sit-down powerbomb. Hardy escapes from the pin attempt, but McIntyre tries for another. McIntyre punches Hardy a few times before clamping on a rest hold. Hardy fights out, only to be knocked back down. McIntyre continues to work on the arm and shoulder of Hardy, but Hardy fights out again, spearing McIntyre through the ropes to the floor. McIntyre, however, sends Hardy to the steps and punches the crap out of him again. McIntyre puts Hardy’s ankle in between the two levels of ring steps and stomps on it…That was kinda’ cool. Hardy takes his boot off and hobbles back into the ring, only to get hit with McIntyre’s Futureshock double-underhook DDT. We’re treated to a close-up of Hardy’s sock. The announcers say it’s blood; I say it’s ketchup. I’ve heard Hardy keeps an emergency White Castle burger in his boot, just in case he gets hungry mid-match. McIntyre stepped right on the damn thing!
Winner: Drew McIntyre
That match wasn’t too bad, considering Matt Hardy was in it. I’ll round up, just to be nice.
After the match, we go to the 500th Nexus video package. This match could be interesting. I’m not a fan of Bret Hart being involved, but they made progress taking Khali out of the picture. There are plenty of ways they can screw this up, but I’ll be optimistic. I still say that Wade Barrett is better on the mic than 95 percent of the WWE roster (save for HHH, Santino, and Regal, and a few others).
Oh goody, they’re making ANOTHER shitty Resident Evil movie!! I can’t sit through any of the other eight movies they’ve made…making it 3-D doesn’t make it suck any less.
Another video package shows Rey Mysterio send Jack Swagger into the Gulf of Mexico. Speaking of Jack Swagger, he’s out to…pout, I guess. I also guess that the new storyline for this guy is that he’s going to start losing a bunch. Perhaps he should get some advice from Chavo and Santino…both of them have lost to midgets, women, and non-wrestling celebrities and seem to be bouncing back! Hell, Santino is half of one of the top four tag teams in the WWE! It’s just a technicality that there are only about four teams in the WWE…
Swagger goes on to cut a surprisingly funny promo that essentially has him complaining about his recent bad luck (including the diseases he got from the Gulf of Mexico and his father’s diarrhea). This brings out MVP, who tells Swagger that no one cares about his problems. Swagger responds by hitting MVP with the microphone and tossing him to the outside. Swagger follows this up by flinging MVP to the security wall. I guess we’re going to have a match…next!
This John Cena movie isn’t on the Hallmark Channel? If this movie makes $33.00 in theaters, I’ll be amazed.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
This match is essentially a squash match, with Swagger dominating the entire affair. It seems like Vince McMahon asked for more arm-based rest holds this evening, as a majority of the match is a Swagger overhand wristlock.
Anyway, the end comes after Swagger hits a powerslam but blows his splash in the corner. MVP hits an overhead throw and the rest of his horrible-looking offense before going for the Ballin’ Elbow. Swagger boots MVP in the face, but as Swagger goes for an ankle lock, MVP rolls him up to get the quick three count.
Eh. That match was one-sided and insanely dull. Neither man looked like they gave a crap, and it showed.
After the match, I’m punished with a “Dashing” Cody Rhodes vignette. During this stupid skit, he tells us how to (incorrectly, I might add) remove earwax. Fun. I don’t know what’s more distracting, Rhodes’ fruity nose stud, or his bizarre eyelid mole. I hope this isn’t a weekly thing.
Hey, since we’ve already had to sit through one crappy vignette, let’s sit through TWO! Is the Salvatore Sincere gimmick REALLY worth bringing back? I realize that most viewers don’t know who Tom Brandi is, but I do, WWE…AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT!! It appears this guy is going to debut next week. My first real treat as a SmackDown recapper!!
Before we go to the main event, the announce team runs down the SummerSlam card…without the women’s matches, IC match, or anything else. I’m glad my buddies are splitting the cost of this with me.
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (with my worst nightmare in tow…)
I’m thinking that they’re going to bury Ziggler tonight, too. Way to sell the sizzle on the IC title match, WWE!
I haven’t heard that this is an IC match, so I’m assuming it’s not.
The two men start by exchanging headlocks and head scissors. Ziggler eventually gets the upper hand by slinging Rey to the corner. He follows up with a stomp and pin attempt. He continues to stomp Rey in the corner, punctuating things with a knee to the face. Rey gets a quick pin attempt in, and follows that with a head scissors and a dropkick. Ziggler turns the tables by sending Rey to the middle turnbuckle and grinding his boot in Rey’s face. A neckbreaker by Ziggler leads to another unsuccessful pin attempt. Matt Striker makes me ill by continuing to talk about the Ziggler-Vicki romance angle. Rey eventually escapes from a Ziggler headlock, setting him up for the 619. Kane, however, has other plans, as he rolls out a coffin. This is so scary that we need to go to commercials!
Piranha 3-D is to movies what those shitty circus peanut candies are to food.
When we return, Ziggler has a rear chinlock clamped on while Kane looks on ominously. Rey fights back, but Ziggler stuns him over the top rope. Ziggler stays on the offense for a bit, busting out about six elbow drops. Rey finally escapes a Ziggler chinlock by punching the back of Ziggler’s leg. Some nice back-and-forth follows, with Ziggler eventually running into the ring post. Rey hits a seated senton and a springboard cross body. Mysterio hits a few more moves, but can’t get the pin. Ziggler puts a stop to Rey’s offense with the craziest-looking move I’ve ever seen…a cross between an electric chair drop, a German suplex, a northern light suplex, and…oh hell, I don’t know. Even Striker doesn’t try to name it. Ziggler stalks Rey for the sleeper, but he can’t hook it on. The two men botch a move, but they fix it quickly by having Rey clamp on a sleeper of his own. Ziggler escapes, but not for long. Rey tries for the 619 again, but Ziggler catches him, only to get rolled up for a three count. Bummer.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
That match was pretty good…better than average. I would’ve expected a little more, but I’ll settle.
After the match, Kane tries to attack Rey, but Rey hits a dropkick and a reverse 619. Since it’s in Kane’s contract that he doesn’t have to sell more than two consecutive moves, he grabs Rey by the throat to chokeslam him. Rey continues to fight back, eventually kicking Kane into his own coffin. Kane leaves, unfulfilled.
Well, the final part of my recaps are weekly awards for the best and worst the show had to offer. I’m renaming these award to commemorate my move to SmackDown. The awards will now be…
The Really Great Thing of the Night Award: The main event was good. Honorable mention goes to Christian and Rhodes, who didn’t put on a bad show, either.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night Award: It’s a tie this week. The co-winners are The Big Show in a squash match to establish his dominance before SummerSlam and Cody Rhodes showing me how to remove ear wax.
That’s my first SmackDown recap. I hope you all enjoyed it! See you back here next week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).