Well,
hello everyone!
“Great” Scott, here in the big leagues, doing his
first official recap of one of WWE’s flagship shows.
I don’t know if you folks have read my WWE Superstars
recaps, but if you haven’t, that’s okay. As a matter of
fact, I’m glad you have better things to do than to read
my recaps of WWE’s fourth-string show. I’ve also
decided to switch things up, so even if you’re new,
you’re coming on board to a fresh, new format.
The first new thing I’m going to introduce is “Great”
Scott’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week. You’ll pretty
much notice the theme of this little gimmick right away,
but I figure I need to personalize this mess one way or
another, so you’ll have to lump it.
This week’s sponsor is Post’s Great Grains Cereal. Available in
delicious varieties like raisins, dates, and pecans,
it’s a cereal that someone whose nickname is “Great”
Scott can wholeheartedly support…and vice versa, I hope.
Have yourself a bowl while you read my GREAT recaps!
The
next new feature I’m going to add to my recaps is
“Great” Scott’s Random Rant of the Week. This week’s rant
is about that fruit loop flight attendant that got
pissed off at a passenger, stole a beer, and scooted off
the plane via the inflatable slide. Some people are
actually calling this jackass a “working class hero.”
Ummm…a guy who essentially hands out blankets,
peanuts, and fourth-rate TV dinners is going to quit his
job over an angry flier? Really? Dude, I worked
in a grocery store for six years. I had to clean
up old man poop (yep, an old man crapped himself right
in the floral department), pour bleach on maggots, kill
rats stuck to glue traps, and deal with hundreds of
inconsiderate customers every day. As far as this
scenario, I’m thinking that after being nearly strip
searched, standing in lines with smelly a-holes, and
having to pay $300 in fees to check bags, you should
figure people are going to be a little pissed. Plus, the last
three or four times I’ve flown, my stewardesses…oh,
excuse me…flight attendants, haven’t exactly been
stunning examples of good customer service. Listen up,
nitwit, go get your job back, shut your mouth, point out
the stupid emergency exits, and get me my undersized can
of soda and pretzels. You’re not a
hero, you’re a loser who couldn’t handle a job that’s as
mentally taxing as that of a tollbooth operator…and
that’s probably an insult to tollbooth operators. If you don’t
like the perils of being a flight attendant, do
something else…moron.
Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with
this week’s SmackDown!
My first SmackDown recap starts out badly, as the first
person I’m introduced to is Vicki Guerrero. Those flowers
around her neck are the only way she’ll ever get lei’d
for the rest of her life….HUZZAH! After screaming,
“Excuse me!” about 100 times, she introduces Dolph
Ziggler (Mr. Perfect 1.8), who gives the credit for his
IC championship win to Vicki, and I die a little inside.
Dolph and Vicki schmooze for a little bit more
before Kofi Kingston charges out. The two fight a
bit (including a botched through the ropes dive by Kofi)
before Teddy Long joins the festivities. He sets up the
first wholly decent match at SummerSlam: Dolph Ziggler
vs. Kofi Kingston.
Teddy also announces Ziggler vs. Rey Mysterio for
later tonight.
The WWE uses awesome logic to punish the guy who
actually GOT attacked, not the attacker. Vicki protests,
but Teddy reminds her he’s a face and he only screws
over heels.
Kofi stupidly disagrees and says he’s no coward.
For his stupidity, he’s rewarded with a match with Kane.
Nice move, Kofi.
Before the match, we’re treated to a video package of
Kane vs. Rey Mysterio.
This angle is one of the worst angles I’ve seen.
First, Undertaker was too lazy and egotistical to
even show up attacked on television (Yes, I know he was
getting married to Bones McBulimia, but, he couldn’t
even do a two-minute appearance?). Second, everyone
who watches WWE even casually knows it was Kane. This plot is as
predictable as
After the video package, we see Kane WALKING…ANGRILY.
Wow, even the commercials are better on SmackDown! Shitty Domino’s
commercials and Hulk Hogan Rent-a-Center commercials
were wearing thin on me.
Kofi Kingston vs. Kane (Non-Title Match)
Well, it appears that
Do I really even need to recap this one? Kofi starts
quickly, but Kane pretty much no-sells everything
(including a botched corner jump by
Eventually, Kingston moves out of the way of a corner
charge and lands some punches and his flipping corner
kick, but Kane catches him on the top rope and
chokeslams him halfway across the ring. Kane follows
this up with a tombstone piledriver for the win. Thanks for
playing, Kofi.
Winner:
Kane
Rating:
That
match was plodding and its logic was pretty much
terrible.
Put
After the match, Kane gets on the mic and says the same
crap he’s been saying for the last two months. For some reason,
the cameraman has his camera jammed right up Kane’s
nose…allowing us to see that Kane has apparently been
sprayed with Arrogance, as his eyes are two different
colors.
After five hours (more or less) of rambling, Rey comes
out to get all religious and Spanish-speaking on Kane. He follows by
accusing Kane and saying that he’s going to win the
belt. Well,
wasn’t that nice?
Eh, not really…but, whatever.
Ah, on SmackDown, I’ve been promoted to Pizza Hut
commercials!
I’m living the high life now!
Hey, look at this…another match!
Christian vs. Cody Rhodes (There’s no way
I’m calling him “Dashing.)
Before the match, Cody and Drew McIntyre share a
moment…or not.
This
whole “Dashing” thing would work a little better with a
guy who doesn’t look mildly retarded. The fancy
Member’s Only jacket is pretty studly, though.
The match starts quick, with
Hold on, didn’t Shawn Michaels do this gimmick a ways
back with Rick Martel?
They had a whole match where they weren’t
supposed to punch each other in the face…good to see
original ideas aren’t dead in WWE!
Anyway,
Tony Stewart working at Burger King? Is that really a
stretch?
When we return, Cody has Christian in a modified armbar. He continues to
work on Christian’s arm, slamming him down on top of it.
Winner:
Cody Rhodes
Rating:
That would’ve been a five-star affair on Superstars. On this show,
I’m setting the bar a little higher. The match wasn’t
great, but it was certainly better than average.
When we return, we’re reminded of the SES’s attack on
Big Show from two weeks ago. It was a pretty
awesome attack, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately,
this video package leads into…
Big Show vs. Larry, Moe, and Curly
I mean, seriously, do you really think I’m going to
waste my time pausing my DVR to type these morons’
names?
Nope.
Big Show really sells the injured hand, as every move he
performs in this stupid squash match involves
it…including a chokeslam or two and his punch finisher.
Eventually, Show wins this clusterf*ck.
Winner:
Big Show
Rating:
After this, Luke Gallows begins to taunt Big Show, but
CM Punk angrily stops him before rambling about
destroying Big Show with his orchestra of pain. Is Matt Striker
writing this garbage? Seriously…CM
Punk made me care LESS about their SummerSlam match.
I
will only buy the Best of RAW DVD if The Undertaker vs.
Damien Demento is on there. The Outer
Reaches of Your Mind is the best hometown EVER!
When we return from commercials, we go right to…
Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre
Is this still feud still going on? McIntyre is the
future of the WWE and he’s having problems convincingly
beating Matt Hardy.
Interesting. I still think
that Drew McIntyre looks like the antagonist in a Final
Fantasy game.
So, the match starts with a lot of punching and kicking.
McIntryre takes control, but quickly loses it, as
Hardy clotheslines him out of the ring. McIntyre fights
back and sends Hardy to the security wall. McIntyre,
however, charges, and Hardy sends him over the wall.
Hardy follows this up with a Side Effect on the floor. Hardy rolls
McIntyre back in the ring and goes for a pin. Matt continues
to stay on the offensive until McIntyre stops Hardy in
the corner and hits a sit-down powerbomb. Hardy escapes
from the pin attempt, but McIntyre tries for another.
McIntyre punches Hardy a few times before
clamping on a rest hold. Hardy fights
out, only to be knocked back down. McIntyre
continues to work on the arm and shoulder of Hardy, but
Hardy fights out again, spearing McIntyre through the
ropes to the floor. McIntyre,
however, sends Hardy to the steps and punches the crap
out of him again.
McIntyre puts Hardy’s ankle in between the two
levels of ring steps and stomps on it…That was kinda’
cool. Hardy
takes his boot off and hobbles back into the ring, only
to get hit with McIntyre’s Futureshock double-underhook
DDT. We’re
treated to a close-up of Hardy’s sock. The announcers
say it’s blood; I say it’s ketchup. I’ve heard Hardy
keeps an emergency White Castle burger in his boot, just
in case he gets hungry mid-match. McIntyre stepped
right on the damn thing!
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Rating:
That match wasn’t too bad, considering Matt Hardy was in
it. I’ll
round up, just to be nice.
After the match, we go to the 500th Nexus
video package.
This match could be interesting. I’m not a fan of
Bret Hart being involved, but they made progress taking
Khali out of the picture. There are plenty
of ways they can screw this up, but I’ll be optimistic.
I still say that Wade Barrett is better on the
mic than 95 percent of the WWE roster (save for HHH,
Santino, and Regal, and a few others).
Oh goody, they’re making ANOTHER shitty Resident Evil
movie!! I
can’t sit through any of the other eight movies they’ve
made…making it 3-D doesn’t make it suck any less.
Another video package shows Rey Mysterio send Jack
Swagger into the Gulf of Mexico. Speaking of Jack
Swagger, he’s out to…pout, I guess. I also guess
that the new storyline for this guy is that he’s going
to start losing a bunch. Perhaps he
should get some advice from Chavo and Santino…both of
them have lost to midgets, women, and non-wrestling
celebrities and seem to be bouncing back! Hell, Santino is
half of one of the top four tag teams in the WWE! It’s just a
technicality that there are only about four teams in the
WWE…
Swagger goes on to cut a surprisingly funny promo that
essentially has him complaining about his recent bad
luck (including the diseases he got from the Gulf of
Mexico and his father’s diarrhea). This brings out
MVP, who tells Swagger that no one cares about his
problems.
Swagger responds by hitting MVP with the
microphone and tossing him to the outside. Swagger follows
this up by flinging MVP to the security wall. I guess we’re
going to have a match…next!
This John Cena movie isn’t on the Hallmark Channel? If this movie
makes $33.00 in theaters, I’ll be amazed.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
This match is essentially a squash match, with Swagger
dominating the entire affair. It seems like
Vince McMahon asked for more arm-based rest holds this
evening, as a majority of the match is a Swagger
overhand wristlock.
Anyway, the end comes after Swagger hits a powerslam but
blows his splash in the corner. MVP hits an
overhead throw and the rest of his horrible-looking
offense before going for the Ballin’ Elbow. Swagger
boots MVP in the face, but as Swagger goes for an ankle
lock, MVP rolls him up to get the quick three count.
Winner:
MVP
Rating:
Eh. That match was
one-sided and insanely dull. Neither man
looked like they gave a crap, and it showed.
After the match, I’m punished with a “Dashing” Cody
Rhodes vignette.
During this stupid skit, he tells us how to
(incorrectly, I might add) remove earwax. Fun. I don’t know
what’s more distracting, Rhodes’ fruity nose stud, or
his bizarre eyelid mole. I hope this
isn’t a weekly thing.
Hey, since we’ve already had to sit through one crappy
vignette, let’s sit through TWO! Is the Salvatore
Sincere gimmick REALLY worth bringing back? I realize that
most viewers don’t know who Tom Brandi is, but I do,
WWE…AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT!! It appears this
guy is going to debut next week. My first real
treat as a SmackDown recapper!!
Before we go to the main event, the announce team runs
down the SummerSlam card…without the women’s matches, IC
match, or anything else.
I’m glad my buddies are splitting the cost of
this with me.
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (with my
worst nightmare in tow…)
I’m thinking that they’re going to bury Ziggler tonight,
too. Way to
sell the sizzle on the IC title match, WWE!
I haven’t heard that this is an IC match, so I’m
assuming it’s not.
The
two men start by exchanging headlocks and head scissors.
Ziggler eventually gets the upper hand by
slinging Rey to the corner. He follows up
with a stomp and pin attempt. He continues to
stomp Rey in the corner, punctuating things with a knee
to the face.
Rey gets a quick pin attempt in, and follows that
with a head scissors and a dropkick. Ziggler turns
the tables by sending Rey to the middle turnbuckle and
grinding his boot in Rey’s face. A neckbreaker by
Ziggler leads to another unsuccessful pin attempt. Matt Striker
makes me ill by continuing to talk about the
Ziggler-Vicki romance angle. Rey eventually
escapes from a Ziggler headlock, setting him up for the
619. Kane,
however, has other plans, as he rolls out a coffin. This is so scary
that we need to go to commercials!
Piranha 3-D is to movies what those shitty circus peanut
candies are to food.
When we return, Ziggler has a rear chinlock clamped on
while Kane looks on ominously. Rey fights back,
but Ziggler stuns him over the top rope. Ziggler stays on the
offense for a bit, busting out about six elbow drops.
Rey finally escapes a Ziggler chinlock by punching the
back of Ziggler’s leg.
Some nice back-and-forth follows, with Ziggler
eventually running into the ring post. Rey hits a seated
senton and a springboard cross body. Mysterio hits a
few more moves, but can’t get the pin. Ziggler puts a
stop to Rey’s offense with the craziest-looking move
I’ve ever seen…a cross between an electric chair drop, a
German suplex, a northern light suplex, and…oh hell, I
don’t know.
Even Striker doesn’t try to name it. Ziggler stalks
Rey for the sleeper, but he can’t hook it on. The two men
botch a move, but they fix it quickly by having Rey
clamp on a sleeper of his own. Ziggler escapes,
but not for long.
Rey tries for the 619 again, but Ziggler catches
him, only to get rolled up for a three count.
Bummer.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Rating:
That match was pretty good…better than average. I would’ve
expected a little more, but I’ll settle.
After the match, Kane tries to attack Rey, but Rey hits
a dropkick and a reverse 619. Since it’s in
Kane’s contract that he doesn’t have to sell more than
two consecutive moves, he grabs Rey by the throat to
chokeslam him.
Rey continues to fight back, eventually kicking
Kane into his own coffin. Kane leaves,
unfulfilled.
Well, the final part of my recaps are weekly awards for
the best and worst the show had to offer. I’m renaming
these award to commemorate my move to SmackDown. The awards will
now be…
The Really Great Thing of the Night Award:
The main event
was good.
Honorable mention goes to Christian and Rhodes,
who didn’t put on a bad show, either.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night Award: It’s a tie this
week. The
co-winners are The Big Show in a squash match to
establish his dominance before SummerSlam and Cody
Rhodes showing me how to remove ear wax.
That’s my first SmackDown recap. I hope you all enjoyed it! See you back here next week!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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