WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
August 12, 2011
“Great” Scott’s SmackDown Recap for August 12, 2011
Well, well, well…it’s good to see that no one’s been here since I stopped doing SmackDown recaps a month or so ago. My summer schedule was ridiculous: two weddings, my birthday, tons of hom improvement projects, and neverending yard work have all conspired to keep me from doing these recaps. Well, that and the fact that WWE has kinda’ sucked lately. So, long story short, I’m back…for better or worse. Hopefully, a few people will read these recaps and make my return semi-worthwhile.
The show starts out with HHH coming out to pass the reigns of the WWE over to a new genera…err, wait, no, actually it’s the OPPOSITE of that. Say what you want about Vince, but at least he wasn’t on every friggin’ episode of every friggin’ show like I’m assuming HHH will be because he feels no one can lead the WWE except him.
I fast forward through most of his yammering until Christian comes out. I pay attention to what he has to say until he mentions the stupid “Randy Orton has anger management issues” angle. That’s enough for me to exercise my fast forward finger…
After 15 minutes, HHH finally leaves the ring. He looks brow-beaten by whatever HHH said. That’s good; continue to make your in-ring performers look stupid while you make your commissioner look dominant. Awesome.
Anyway, Christian takes one more parting shot at HHH and the commisioner makes a match of Christian against Sheamus. Is Sheamus a face now? When did this happen? Seriously, the WWE writing staff is ridiculous. I guess sine Randy Orton is the only SmackDown face that’s “deserving” of main event status, they needed to illogically turn someone face.
Christian vs. Sheamus
Christian tries to use speed early on, but Sheamus ends up stomping the crap out of him. After some back and forth, Sheamus charges and Christian low bridges him. With Sheamus on the floor, Christian tries his leaping-through-the-ropes dropkick, but Sheamus moves and hoists him up for a powerslam. Christian, however, slips out and sends Sheamus to the ring post. Christian takes over with a series of stomps. He follows up by wrapping Sheamus shoulder around the ropes and then stomps Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus fights his way out of the corner, but runs shoulder first into the ring post as Christian dodges a charge. Christian continues to work the arm and shoulder until he runs into an Irish Curse backbreaker…now that Sheamus is a face, is that move called the Lucky Charm? In the ring, Sheamus takes over with shoulderblocks and a powerslam. A cover gets Sheamus a two count. All of a sudden, Christian tries for the Kill Switch. Wasn’t he just on the verge of defeat? Whatever. Sheamus punches Christian and then tries for a charge. Christian drop toe holds Sheamus into the ropes and then does his leap over the top rope into an uppercut. He tries to follow up with a cross body off the top rope, but Sheamus moves. Sheamus ends up sending Christian into the ropes and then landing a series of clubbing blows to the chest. Sheamus heads up top and hits a Barbarian-esque shoulder tackle. Sheamus signals for the Razor’s Edge, but Christian takes a walk. Sheamus tries to get him back in the ring for a legit win, but Christian escapes again and draws a count out.
Winner: Sheamus (by countout)
Eh, that match was okay, I guess. There really was no logic or flow to it…and these are two of your “main eventers.”
Speaking of main eventers, Randy Orton is fighting The Great Khali later tonight…that has fast forward written all over it.
Next up, we recap some of the Cena/Punk angle. I’ve seen on the site that there have been some opposing views on the matter. I see it like this—it’s a decent enough angle that’ll never live up to its potential because Vince won’t let it. Seriously, this angle could be pretty cool if Vince recruited his “type of guys” like Mark Henry and Sheamus to go against Punk, who’s leading the IWC favorites like Daniel Bryan and Kaval (if they would’ve kept him). This could’ve been a really cool angle, if it were Punk vs. McMahon. Instead, it’s Punk vs. Cena and it’s sorta’ confusing. It’s great that CM Punk is saying the stuff that we’ve been thinking for years, but in the end, he’ll probably lose (or have to cheat to barely win), so what does it matter?
In the end, though, it’s sorta’ like the movie Office Space. It’s cool to see a guy get to say and do things that we only dream of doing, but in the end we realize that it’s just a story and that if we said what we wanted to say in real life, we’d be shit canned in a hurry.
Before we return to action, we get to see Beth Phoenix become awesome again, only to be made to look like an idiot by Kelly Kelly.
Natalya and Beth Phoenix vs. Kaitlyn and AJ
The funny thing about this is that Kaitlyn has potential to be a halfway decent performer. This match should’ve had the Bellas in it…if they were going to destroy anyone.
Kaitlyn gets destroyed for the first two minutes until Beth whiffs on a corner charge. Kaitlyn tags to AJ, who gets one move in before Beth catches her in the Glam Slam for the win. Wow, that was a marathon.
Winners: Natalya and Beth Phoenix
Okay, that match was pretty terrible, but it actually advanced the story of the talented divas vs. the empty-headed useless divas.
Next, all my wildest sports entertainment dreams come true as I’m going to get to watch an Alberto Del Rio/Daniel Bryan match later in the evening!
After a ton of commercials, we’re treated to a Zack Ryder-led skit in the back. Cody Rhodes comes in to slow talk for a bit before Aksana comes in to talk Russian talk and give Teddy a boner. Sigh.
Next, we get a recap of the awesomeness that is the Big Show/Mark Henry feud. Great buildup for Mark Henry to be made to look like a tool against whoever he fights next because guys get buildups for no reason these days.
In the back, Mark Henry threatens Johnny Curtis…even going so far as to mock Curtis’s vignettes, which is pretty funny.
Next up, it’s the return of…
Sin Cara vs. Tyson Kidd
Hey, it’s the Extreme Rules dark match rematch we’ve all been hoping for! Plus, Tyson Kidd has shaved that little douche crown off his head.
A little back and forth ends with Sin Cara hitting a nice moonsault off the top rope to Kidd on the floor. Kidd, however, regains control by dropkicking Sin Cara as he tries to get back in the ring. Kidd applies an arm bar, but Sin Cara escapes quickly and hits a series of flippy moves, culimnating in a springboard clothesline and pin attempt. The pin doesn’t get the victory, so Sin Cara does sort of a flipping senton on Kidd, who’s seated in the corner. Sin Cara and Kidd fight over a move on the top turnbuckle, and Kidd gets the better of the exchange, only to miss his follow-up move and walk into what looks like a fireman’s carry neckbreaker combo. That was a pretty cool move. Sin Cara follows up with a spring board senton that he immediately follows with a springboard moonsault. That’s enough to get a three count for Sin Cara.
Winner: Sin Cara
That was move of a cool move display than an actually wrestling match…but I’ll take it over Khali and Orton anytime.
Del Rio and Daniel Bryan are NEXT! Woo hoo!
Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan
Things start with a tie up that ends with Del Rio beating up Bryan in the corner. Bryan ends up turning the tables and hitting a leaping dropkick in the corner. Del Rio, however, turns the tables by sending Bryan into the ringpost and landing a suplex. After a failed pin attempt, Del Rio applies a hammerlock. Bryan fights to his feet and things pick up from there. Bryan tries for a pin, but Del Rio kicks out. Bryan proceeds to kick the hell out of Del Rio until Del Rio ducks and pops Bryan with an enziguri. Another pin attempt for Del Rio can’t get the win. Del Rio goes for the cross armbreaker, but Bryan escapes and back body drops Del Rio to the floor. Bryan follows that up with a suicide dive. Bryan, as one of the only WWE performers who would do so, sells his shoulder injury. Bryan tries for a missile dropkick off the top rope and misses, further injuring his shoulder. Del Rio applies the cross armbreaker and gets the submission victory.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
That match was really good, a little short, but really good. It really doesn’t deserve four stars, but it actually had some psychology and both men performed well. I’m going to round up, just because I don’t think I’m going to get anything better this evening.
After the match, Wade Barrett comes out to wreck Daniel Bryan. I haven’t been paying a great deal of attention to WWE programming recently, so I can only assume these two are feuding.
Stop reminding me how horrible the main event is going to be.
In the SummerSlam recall, we get to see the original Randy Orton…the Ultimate Warrior! Seriously…rambling interviews, couldn’t sell, limited move set. What’s the difference?
Cody Rhodes (with Ted DiBiase and bag guys) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
I missed a little here because my power went out. When I get the power back, we’re in the middle of commercials…
If Randy Orton was sitting on my table, I would say, “I didn’t know we were having turkey tonight!”
After the commercials, we’re treated to Cody Rhodes applying a chinlock. Jackson tries to fight out, but Rhodes stays on top with a stomp and a knee drop. Next up, he applies a cool chicken wing chinlock sorta’ hold. Jackson fights up and hoists Rhodes into the corner. Jackson tries for a clothesline in the corner, but Rhodes gets his feet up. Rhodes goes for a bulldog, but Jackson tosses him halfway across the ring…that was pretty nifty. Jackson lays in with clothesline while we see a replay of Rhodes getting launched into orbit. Jackson proceeds to slam Rhodes twice and then go for the torture rack, but DiBiase interferes. The distraction allows Rhodes to escape and attack Jackson. Rhodes headbutts Jackson a few times before the ref steps in. DiBiase tries to attack Jackson, but is clotheslined to the floor for his efforts. Jackson walks into Rhodes’s leaping kick, which allows Rhodes to hit ChrossRhodes for the win.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
That wasn’t too bad. Of course, Michael Cole has to ruin things by talking after the match. That guy is a waste.
After the match, Rhodes and DiBiase put a bag over Jackson’s head. Jackson, after a minute or two, gets up and obliterates DiBiase, tossing him at the feet of Rhodes. Now, that was actually some decent psychology. Both men looked decent and that continues this feud logically.
After the commercials, we’re treated to more on the Punk/Cena feud. You already know how I feel about this.
Next up, a SummerSlam rundown and an interview with Randy Orton. Come here, remote.
Next up, Johnny Curtis gets destroyed in his WWE debut!
Mark Henry vs. Johnny Curtis
Yeah, it’s a squash.
Winner: Mark Henry
Do I really have to explain my rating?
After the match, Sheamus prevents Henry from turning Curtis into a fine powder. I guess Sheamus is a face now. Sheamus earns 10 awesomeness points by calling Henry “Shamu” and calling himself a “great white.” Since Henry’s a pansy, he chooses to beat up Johnny Curtis some more instead of getting in the ring with Sheamus. Welcome to the WWE, kid.
Remember, the WWE says don’t bully people…physically, at least.
Well, it’s time for our “main event.” If there was ever an appropriate time to use air quotes, this is it.
Randy Orton vs. The Great Khali (with Jinder Mahal)
Khali dominates, Randy gets a move or two in, Khali applies the brain crush but lets it go, Orton no-sells everything, hits the RKO and wins. Whee.
Winner: Randy Orton
That match was pointless. Like we need Orton to prove he can win before the PPV…really?
After the match, Christian comes out with a cryptic message about their match at SummerSlam. The intrigue.
Well, so goes another episode of SmackDown. Let me hand out my awards so I can get the heck outta’ here.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The Del Rio/Bryan match was really good. Plus, Sheamus cuts another funny promo.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: The main event stunk and Johnny Curtis gets destroyed…actually, after his horrible wordplay promos, maybe he actually deserved to get squashed.
So, that’s it for the return of “Great” Scott. Thanks for reading!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).