Back once again with the Smackdown
master. Or something like that. Yeah. I'm gonna jump
right in, with a small mention of this week's RAW:
it was fucking awful. It's the weakest of the four
weekly shows, serious. Tuning in a couple of minutes
late, I find CM Punk in the middle of one of his
awesome heel promos. He says the crowd needs a
straightedge champion, they need him. We are kicking
off with his World Title rematch, which leads me to
believe that shenanigans are going to be afoot. Big
'Hardy' chant leads into a gigantic pop for Jeff.
He's out with the belt and full face paint. Thought:
when there's a title match and the champion is
announced as the 'current' champion, does that have
any bearing on the result of the match. Why say
'current' some times and not others. Anyway. CM Punk
jumps Hardy before the bells, and it quickly takes
several officals plus TEDDY LONG (wherefore art
thou!) to separate the two. When they're separated,
suddenly out comes MR. MCMAHON! He reminds us that
Long is on probation and says he can't control
anything. He says we need a special guest enforcer.
He keeps us hanging on who the enforcer is, and
Hardy jumps CM Punk again as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and Tard
reminds the goldfish amongst us what happened three
minutes ago. So that match really never got going.
Oh well. Here's John Morrison! For a match! Against
John Morrison vs Tyson Kidd w/ David Hart Smith &
These two had
a very strong match last week on Superstars. Both
guys have huge potential, though I feel Kidd will be
hamstrung in tagteamland for a while. C'est la vie.
Tard refers to Smith as 'DH Smith'. Continuity, yay.
Very little amusing to say about this match, both
guys are technically superb, each making the other
look fantastic. Morrison can even get gasps from a
dropkick, he's that good. Very stylish breakdancing
legdrop from Morrison gets two, before Kidd fires
him to the outside. Natalya and Smith land cheap
shots and Kidd hits a baseball slide. Tard says 'all
of a sudden, this has become a three-on-one match!'
and we hold our heads in our hands as we go to
BACK and Kidd
has Morrison in various headlocks whilst screaming.
This bastard screams a lot. A hell of a lot. "COME
ON MORRISON! GIVE UUUUUP!" It's pretty funny. JR
describes Kidd as 'pugnacious' which is a word I
need to look up. If it means 'idiosyncratically
Canadian', he's dead on. Morrison makes a quick
comeback with some kicks and his awesome standing
moonsault which is more of a standing SSP, really.
The crowd are actually a little quiet from here
until Kidd hits a slingshot blockbuster which gets
two. It's an obvious thing to say but Kidd needs to
lose the hair. It looks like someone has stuck some
tobacco to his forehead. Superb to-and-fro from here
before Morrison hits the Chuck kick and screws up
Starship Pain, landing on Kidd's head. It gets three
anyway. Pretty good match. "Morrison looks like Tony
Hawk - without a skateboard!" Yeah Tard, that's what
Winner: John Morrison
BACK and it's
Word Up! Fuuuck. I am too fucking tired and buzzed
off of wine to recap this any better. Cryme Tyme rip
into Jericho and Show including some disturbing
photoshops before Jesse arrives and
buuurrrrrrrrrgggh fuck this. Apparently JTG is
facing Jericho tonight. I'm sure that'll go well.
Wait, does Jesse have a MATCH?
We have a From
The Vault now, a pretty cool match which had Chavo
beating Hurricane with an STF... okay. I like
Hurricane, shoot me. HOT DAMN IT'S CHARLIE HAAS! AND
he's facing... Jesse. Sorry, SLAM MASTER J.
Slam Master J w/ horrible cornrows
vs Charlie Haas w/o any cred at all
god, Jesse is so fucking annoying in this gimmick,
I'm actually rooting for Haas. It's like a match
from 1989. Punch. Kick. Clothesline. Atomic drop.
The crowd is booing Jesse. Christ, he just won after
a Superfly splash. What a piece of shit match that
Winner: Slam Master J
Up next: Dolph
Ziggler vs R-Truth vs Mike Knox vs Finlay, with the
winner taking on Rey for the Intercontinental title
at SUMMERFEST. Ha. God, Raw was shit. Yeah, so what
happened here? I guess they want the title on
Ziggler in a convincing manner. I'm predicting he'll
win this right here. Rey is out for commentary
duties, which as we all know ALWAYS goes smoothly.
Interestingly, Rey starts right away by putting
Ziggler over. Okay.
R-Truth vs Mike Knox vs Finlay vs
Truth is out
first to a pretty solid pop. God I hope they've
scrapped that Pretty Ricky bullshit, that made me
fucking wince and cringe at the same time. Truth has
the crowd right behind him. Finlay actually gets a
decent pop also. The ref awkwardly starts the
introductions after Truth is already in the ring.
Knox strides out causing Rey to interestingly
mention Bam Bam Bigelow and Kevin Nash as previous
'giants' he's slain. Ziggler gets some nice heat.
The match starts out as Knox vs Truth and Finlay vs
Ziggler, but quickly descends into un-recappable
clusterfuckery. Knox hits a double clothesline on
Finlay and Truth as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and the
clusterfuckery continues. But it's very smooth,
enjoyable clusterfuckery, as clusterfuckery goes.
Knox in particular has definitely stepped up, I
think. Rey is predictably partisan on commentary,
'may the best man win' etc, totally ignoring his
feud with Ziggler. Finlay does a nice double cross
on Truth, turning a handshake into a rolling
fireman's carry. So much going on here. Truth hits
the Lie Detector on Knox which got broken up by
Knox. In the time it took me to type that, some
other shit happened and Ziggler hit the Zig Zag on
Finlay for the win. Good. Very watchable four-way,
please forgive my shitty play-by-play.
after Rey after the bell, but is grabbed by Finlay
and hit by a Senton from Rey. Alrighty. Get that
belt on Zig this time, you fuckers.
Recap of the
"World Title Match" from earlier then ADVERTISING
then Melina and Maria are in the back cooing like
airheads. Seems they're turning Maria heel, as
Melina is basically saying Dolph's a douche, with
Maria defending him and blah blah blah.... ah!
WEELLLL IT'S THE BEEG BEEG BREAK THE WALLS (BOOM!)
BEEG BAD SHOW WALLS DOOOOWN... catchy, no? No, it's
Chris Jericho w/ Big Show vs JTG w/
really looking forward to this. I like JTG and I
don't believe I've ever seen him in a singles match.
Should be fun. Tard reliably informs us that JTG
likes to get right in your grill from the opening
bell. Things go pretty good for JTG until he gets
fired out of the ring and takes a vicious kick to
the gut from Show, who looks fucking funny in a
dress shirt and waistcoat. Amish lawyer, 100%. Crowd
are unfairly chanting 'Y2J'. Recapping goes out of
the window soon after as these two proceed to
have a superb back-and-forth match. Second rope
legdrop from JTG gets two and the crowd are getting
really fired up. Codebreaker and JTG slumps into the
ropes. Jericho drags JTG over for a pin but JTG is
under the ropes still. This happens twice before JTG
amazingly snares an inside cradle which gets three!
once again for my shitty recapping but I'm drunk.
That was a cool match. Awesome to see JTG go over
BACK and it's
The Great Khali! Heavy sigh. I'd totally forgotten
about him and Kane. Fuck this sideways. This feud
has been done once before a couple of years ago with
Kane as the face, and it was dog shit back then. His
opponent is RICKY ORTIZ! For some reason I find this
The Great Khali vs Ricky Ortiz
is gay. As are his shades. Singh is apparently fine
after being blindsided by Kane last week, causing
the heartbreaking abandonment of the long-awaited
Khali vs Haas dream match. In the time it took me to
type that, Khali hossed around and pinned Ortiz
after a Punjabi Plunge.
Winner: The Great Khali
JR echoes my
feelings by saying 'you gotta be kidding' as Kane
inevitably appears, DESTROYING Khali with a forearm
before dumping him over the top rope and stalking
Singh. Khali is apparently dead as Kane manhandles
Singh in the crowd. Kane drags Singh out of the
arena for no fucking reason at all. Tard says 'Singh
is in serious pain right now'. Aren't we all.
following a pointless recap of that Kane/Singh shit
which happened oh so long ago, I do believe it is
main event time. Lovely stuff.
Jeff Hardy (c) vs CM Punk, World Heavyweight Title
first, our special enforcer - MATT HARDY! A guido in
the crowd is actually holding his head in horror.
THERE IS NONE MORE EVIL THAN MATT HARDY. Hardy has
BADLY overdone the fake tan tonight. His head looks
like it's been varnished. He's also wearing a
referee shirt despite being a mere ENFORCER.
Fuckwit. The camera lingers on his bulbous, brown
face as Jeff comes out to his usual pop. He also
never bothered repainting his face from earlier on,
because he's a fucking drug face.
So I guess
Matt is back on Smackdown now. Not sure how I feel
about that to be honest. I sure hope he doesn't get
World Title shots against Jeff. Fuck that. Dramatic
in-ring introductions yield nice boos for Punk and a
big pop for Jeff. Punk gets the upper hand early
with a bunch of kicks and knees which seem to have
more impact now he's a heel. Jeff turns it around
and hits his testicle legdrop and a low dropkick for
two. Matt and his shiny brown head stands ringside,
nodding. Jeff clotheslines Punk to the outside
before attempting a rana or some shit which Punk
blocks. Both men are down as we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and Tard
says "your eyes are not decieving you, that is Matt
Hardy. Sheesh, thanks - I thought it was some sort
of cigar store indian in a referee shirt. Punk is
wearing Jeff down with an abdominal stretch. I do
think, actually, that Jeff Hardy can sell like a
champ - sometimes to the extent of making himself
look too weak, but still. Punk slaps him around
before Jeff hits a sudden Whisper in the Wind which
gets two. Matt looks so fucking weird. Brown face,
normal arms. Jeff is mounting a comeback, hitting
his mule kick which gets two. This is a decent match
but Matt is distracting me a little. Jeff goes up
for a Swanton but Punk gets up and pounds on Jeff on
the turnbuckle. Punk hits a superplex which gets a
long two. It seems Punk now has a taunt - he's
slapping his thighs. Either that or he's into
hambone. Jeff escapes a GTS attempt and goes for a
Twist of Fate which CM Punk quickly turns into a
rollup for two. Nice. Punk is ejected to the outside
and Jeff launches himself over the top. Matt is
right there, looking like he needs to poop. Punk
goes for a low dropkick on Jeff but hits Matt
instead - DUN DUN DUUUN! Twist of Fate, shirt off,
Swanton - Punk gets the knees up and goes for the
pin, but Matt pulls the ref out of the ring and
starts jawing at Punk. Where is this going? Jeff
quickly schoolboys Punk and Matt counts the three.
Eh? Can enforcers do that?
Winner: Jeff Hardy
up the ramp as Punk flips out in the ring. Punk
chases Matt but gives up when he goes backstage.
Those pesky Hardys! Punk strides purposefully back
to the ring and starts laying into Jeff, throwing
him to the outside before attacking him with a
chair. He wraps it around Jeff's head and slams him
into the post. For some reason both chair shots were
replaced with a shot of the crowd. O-kay... Medics
attend to Jeff and Punk amusingly says "fix him so
he's okay. Fix him so I can break him again." Punk
strides off looking brilliantly smug as the
hilariously ostentatious WWE stretcher is wheeled
out for Jeff. Punk gets to the top of the ramp and
Teddy Long confronts him, sans music. Punk wants a
rematch. Long agrees, and puts the two in a TLC
match at SummerFest. Rock 'n Roll. End!
YES: Decent main event,
JoMo/Kidd was the best match of the night - Kidd is
one to watch, definitely. The four-way was good fun
too. And JTG/Jericho was way better than it had the
right to be.
NO: Word Up continues to
suck hugely. Jesse/Haas was fuck-awful, and
Khali/Kane continues to bore me rigid.
WHAT: Could Matt Hardy not
afford a full tanning session? It looks like he
settled for putting his head in a deep fat fryer.
And I guess 'enforcers' also have referee powers
decent show. I apologise for my wildly inconsistent
recapping. I am returning to my home country
tomorrow, normal service will be resumed and all
recaps will be on time and consistently good from
now on. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona. Wait, it
isn't. It's Ian Sparke.