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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(08/07/09)
BY IAN SPARKE
Back once again with the Smackdown master. Or something like that. Yeah. I'm gonna jump right in, with a small mention of this week's RAW: it was fucking awful. It's the weakest of the four weekly shows, serious. Tuning in a couple of minutes late, I find CM Punk in the middle of one of his awesome heel promos. He says the crowd needs a straightedge champion, they need him. We are kicking off with his World Title rematch, which leads me to believe that shenanigans are going to be afoot. Big 'Hardy' chant leads into a gigantic pop for Jeff. He's out with the belt and full face paint. Thought: when there's a title match and the champion is announced as the 'current' champion, does that have any bearing on the result of the match. Why say 'current' some times and not others. Anyway. CM Punk jumps Hardy before the bells, and it quickly takes several officals plus TEDDY LONG (wherefore art thou!) to separate the two. When they're separated, suddenly out comes MR. MCMAHON! He reminds us that Long is on probation and says he can't control anything. He says we need a special guest enforcer. He keeps us hanging on who the enforcer is, and Hardy jumps CM Punk again as we go to ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and Tard reminds the goldfish amongst us what happened three minutes ago. So that match really never got going. Oh well. Here's John Morrison! For a match! Against Tyson Kidd!
 
John Morrison vs Tyson Kidd w/ David Hart Smith & Natalya
 
These two had a very strong match last week on Superstars. Both guys have huge potential, though I feel Kidd will be hamstrung in tagteamland for a while. C'est la vie. Tard refers to Smith as 'DH Smith'. Continuity, yay. Very little amusing to say about this match, both guys are technically superb, each making the other look fantastic. Morrison can even get gasps from a dropkick, he's that good. Very stylish breakdancing legdrop from Morrison gets two, before Kidd fires him to the outside. Natalya and Smith land cheap shots and Kidd hits a baseball slide. Tard says 'all of a sudden, this has become a three-on-one match!' and we hold our heads in our hands as we go to ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and Kidd has Morrison in various headlocks whilst screaming. This bastard screams a lot. A hell of a lot. "COME ON MORRISON! GIVE UUUUUP!" It's pretty funny. JR describes Kidd as 'pugnacious' which is a word I need to look up. If it means 'idiosyncratically Canadian', he's dead on. Morrison makes a quick comeback with some kicks and his awesome standing moonsault which is more of a standing SSP, really. The crowd are actually a little quiet from here until Kidd hits a slingshot blockbuster which gets two. It's an obvious thing to say but Kidd needs to lose the hair. It looks like someone has stuck some tobacco to his forehead. Superb to-and-fro from here before Morrison hits the Chuck kick and screws up Starship Pain, landing on Kidd's head. It gets three anyway. Pretty good match. "Morrison looks like Tony Hawk - without a skateboard!" Yeah Tard, that's what I thought.
Winner: John Morrison
 
ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and it's Word Up! Fuuuck. I am too fucking tired and buzzed off of wine to recap this any better. Cryme Tyme rip into Jericho and Show including some disturbing photoshops before Jesse arrives and buuurrrrrrrrrgggh fuck this. Apparently JTG is facing Jericho tonight. I'm sure that'll go well. Wait, does Jesse have a MATCH?
 
We have a From The Vault now, a pretty cool match which had Chavo beating Hurricane with an STF... okay. I like Hurricane, shoot me. HOT DAMN IT'S CHARLIE HAAS! AND he's facing... Jesse. Sorry, SLAM MASTER J.
 
Slam Master J w/ horrible cornrows vs Charlie Haas w/o any cred at all
Good god, Jesse is so fucking annoying in this gimmick, I'm actually rooting for Haas. It's like a match from 1989. Punch. Kick. Clothesline. Atomic drop. The crowd is booing Jesse. Christ, he just won after a Superfly splash. What a piece of shit match that was.
Winner: Slam Master J
 
Up next: Dolph Ziggler vs R-Truth vs Mike Knox vs Finlay, with the winner taking on Rey for the Intercontinental title at SUMMERFEST. Ha. God, Raw was shit. Yeah, so what happened here? I guess they want the title on Ziggler in a convincing manner. I'm predicting he'll win this right here. Rey is out for commentary duties, which as we all know ALWAYS goes smoothly. Interestingly, Rey starts right away by putting Ziggler over. Okay.
 
R-Truth vs Mike Knox vs Finlay vs Dolph Ziggler
 
Truth is out first to a pretty solid pop. God I hope they've scrapped that Pretty Ricky bullshit, that made me fucking wince and cringe at the same time. Truth has the crowd right behind him. Finlay actually gets a decent pop also. The ref awkwardly starts the introductions after Truth is already in the ring. Knox strides out causing Rey to interestingly mention Bam Bam Bigelow and Kevin Nash as previous 'giants' he's slain. Ziggler gets some nice heat. The match starts out as Knox vs Truth and Finlay vs Ziggler, but quickly descends into un-recappable clusterfuckery. Knox hits a double clothesline on Finlay and Truth as we go to ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and the clusterfuckery continues. But it's very smooth, enjoyable clusterfuckery, as clusterfuckery goes. Knox in particular has definitely stepped up, I think. Rey is predictably partisan on commentary, 'may the best man win' etc, totally ignoring his feud with Ziggler. Finlay does a nice double cross on Truth, turning a handshake into a rolling fireman's carry. So much going on here. Truth hits the Lie Detector on Knox which got broken up by Knox. In the time it took me to type that, some other shit happened and Ziggler hit the Zig Zag on Finlay for the win. Good. Very watchable four-way, please forgive my shitty play-by-play.
winner: Dolph Ziggler
 
Ziggler goes after Rey after the bell, but is grabbed by Finlay and hit by a Senton from Rey. Alrighty. Get that belt on Zig this time, you fuckers.
 
Recap of the "World Title Match" from earlier then ADVERTISING then Melina and Maria are in the back cooing like airheads. Seems they're turning Maria heel, as Melina is basically saying Dolph's a douche, with Maria defending him and blah blah blah.... ah! WEELLLL IT'S THE BEEG BEEG BREAK THE WALLS (BOOM!) BEEG BAD SHOW WALLS DOOOOWN... catchy, no? No, it's shit.
 
Chris Jericho w/ Big Show vs JTG w/ Shad Gaspard
 
I'm actually really looking forward to this. I like JTG and I don't believe I've ever seen him in a singles match. Should be fun. Tard reliably informs us that JTG likes to get right in your grill from the opening bell. Things go pretty good for JTG until he gets fired out of the ring and takes a vicious kick to the gut from Show, who looks fucking funny in a dress shirt and waistcoat. Amish lawyer, 100%. Crowd are unfairly chanting 'Y2J'. Recapping goes out of the window soon after as these two proceed to
have a superb back-and-forth match. Second rope legdrop from JTG gets two and the crowd are getting really fired up. Codebreaker and JTG slumps into the ropes. Jericho drags JTG over for a pin but JTG is under the ropes still. This happens twice before JTG amazingly snares an inside cradle which gets three! Holy crap!
Winner: JTG
 
I apologise once again for my shitty recapping but I'm drunk. That was a cool match. Awesome to see JTG go over Jericho. ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and it's The Great Khali! Heavy sigh. I'd totally forgotten about him and Kane. Fuck this sideways. This feud has been done once before a couple of years ago with Kane as the face, and it was dog shit back then. His opponent is RICKY ORTIZ! For some reason I find this fucking hilarious.
 
The Great Khali vs Ricky Ortiz
 
Ortiz' music is gay. As are his shades. Singh is apparently fine after being blindsided by Kane last week, causing the heartbreaking abandonment of the long-awaited Khali vs Haas dream match. In the time it took me to type that, Khali hossed around and pinned Ortiz after a Punjabi Plunge.
Winner: The Great Khali
 
JR echoes my feelings by saying 'you gotta be kidding' as Kane inevitably appears, DESTROYING Khali with a forearm before dumping him over the top rope and stalking Singh. Khali is apparently dead as Kane manhandles Singh in the crowd. Kane drags Singh out of the arena for no fucking reason at all. Tard says 'Singh is in serious pain right now'. Aren't we all. ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and following a pointless recap of that Kane/Singh shit which happened oh so long ago, I do believe it is main event time. Lovely stuff.
 
Jeff Hardy (c) vs CM Punk, World Heavyweight Title match
 
Introducing first, our special enforcer - MATT HARDY! A guido in the crowd is actually holding his head in horror. THERE IS NONE MORE EVIL THAN MATT HARDY. Hardy has BADLY overdone the fake tan tonight. His head looks like it's been varnished. He's also wearing a referee shirt despite being a mere ENFORCER. Fuckwit. The camera lingers on his bulbous, brown face as Jeff comes out to his usual pop. He also never bothered repainting his face from earlier on, because he's a fucking drug face.
 
So I guess Matt is back on Smackdown now. Not sure how I feel about that to be honest. I sure hope he doesn't get World Title shots against Jeff. Fuck that. Dramatic in-ring introductions yield nice boos for Punk and a big pop for Jeff. Punk gets the upper hand early with a bunch of kicks and knees which seem to have more impact now he's a heel. Jeff turns it around and hits his testicle legdrop and a low dropkick for two. Matt and his shiny brown head stands ringside, nodding. Jeff clotheslines Punk to the outside before attempting a rana or some shit which Punk blocks. Both men are down as we go to ADVERTISING.
 
BACK and Tard says "your eyes are not decieving you, that is Matt Hardy. Sheesh, thanks - I thought it was some sort of cigar store indian in a referee shirt. Punk is wearing Jeff down with an abdominal stretch. I do think, actually, that Jeff Hardy can sell like a champ - sometimes to the extent of making himself look too weak, but still. Punk slaps him around before Jeff hits a sudden Whisper in the Wind which gets two. Matt looks so fucking weird. Brown face, normal arms. Jeff is mounting a comeback, hitting his mule kick which gets two. This is a decent match but Matt is distracting me a little. Jeff goes up for a Swanton but Punk gets up and pounds on Jeff on the turnbuckle. Punk hits a superplex which gets a long two. It seems Punk now has a taunt - he's slapping his thighs. Either that or he's into hambone. Jeff escapes a GTS attempt and goes for a Twist of Fate which CM Punk quickly turns into a rollup for two. Nice. Punk is ejected to the outside and Jeff launches himself over the top. Matt is right there, looking like he needs to poop. Punk goes for a low dropkick on Jeff but hits Matt instead - DUN DUN DUUUN! Twist of Fate, shirt off, Swanton - Punk gets the knees up and goes for the pin, but Matt pulls the ref out of the ring and starts jawing at Punk. Where is this going? Jeff quickly schoolboys Punk and Matt counts the three. Eh? Can enforcers do that?
Winner: Jeff Hardy
 
Matt strides up the ramp as Punk flips out in the ring. Punk chases Matt but gives up when he goes backstage. Those pesky Hardys! Punk strides purposefully back to the ring and starts laying into Jeff, throwing him to the outside before attacking him with a chair. He wraps it around Jeff's head and slams him into the post. For some reason both chair shots were replaced with a shot of the crowd. O-kay... Medics attend to Jeff and Punk amusingly says "fix him so he's okay. Fix him so I can break him again." Punk strides off looking brilliantly smug as the hilariously ostentatious WWE stretcher is wheeled out for Jeff. Punk gets to the top of the ramp and Teddy Long confronts him, sans music. Punk wants a rematch. Long agrees, and puts the two in a TLC match at SummerFest. Rock 'n Roll. End!
 
YES: Decent main event, JoMo/Kidd was the best match of the night - Kidd is one to watch, definitely. The four-way was good fun too. And JTG/Jericho was way better than it had the right to be.
 
NO: Word Up continues to suck hugely. Jesse/Haas was fuck-awful, and Khali/Kane continues to bore me rigid.
 
WHAT: Could Matt Hardy not afford a full tanning session? It looks like he settled for putting his head in a deep fat fryer. And I guess 'enforcers' also have referee powers now?
 
Overall, decent show. I apologise for my wildly inconsistent recapping. I am returning to my home country tomorrow, normal service will be resumed and all recaps will be on time and consistently good from now on. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona. Wait, it isn't. It's Ian Sparke.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).