BACK and Smith
is now in and working on Shad's leg with many
Canadian-looking leg holds. Kidd tags back in for
more of the same. Shad escapes because he's bigger
and JTG, who has been hopping around like a maniac
on the apron, tags in. Awesome springboard
blockbuster from Kidd gets two. JTG is a very
capable technical wrestler, I think. I wish the
fucking cameraman would ease off on the crash zooms
on every move. I feel like I'm watching this whilst
strapped to a tumble dryer. Back and forth between
JTG and Kidd before JTG hits some sort of leaping
bulldog thing which is apparently called the
Shoutout. It looks good, and it gets three. Cryme
Tyme are goin' to SummerSlam!
As Cryme Tyme are celebrating, Jericho
and Big Show come out - to some sort of horrible,
horriblefinlay mashup of both their theme tunes.
Show is wearing a suit, and resembles an oversized
Amish lawyer. Jericho does his usual monotone
arrogant shtick. Suddenly Shad responds by saying
Jericho and Show look like Han Solo and Chewbacca.
What's wrong with that? How is that a dig? Shad then
claims to speak Wookiee, and does so. Wow. JTG
reminds them of the horrible, cruel names Shaq
called them on Raw. JTG also suddenly has a lisp.
This promo is going on forever. Show says Jericho is
a "five time WWE Champion, Heavyweight, World."
Eventually JeriShow's ultra-shitty theme signals the
At SummerSlam, Rey Mysterio will defend
the Intercontinental title in a four-way against
Dolph Ziggler, Finlay, and Mike Knox. Uh, okay.
Ziggler better fucking win this time. Oh great,
Divas. 2:13pm, too early for booze?
Women's Champion Michelle McCool & Layla vs Eve
Torres & Melina
Pretty big pop for
Melina. Tard says he "still wakes up at night"
thinking about Eve and Layla's danceoff. That makes
one of us, Tard. Ugh. Sorry, without being a bigot,
Diva matches by and large bore me to despair. The
only Divas on the roster who are consistently
interesting are Mickie James (who is nowhere near as
good as she was), Melina, Natalya, Beth Phoenix
(badly underused) and Gail Kim. Eve is improving a
lot to be fair. Pretty much all the others are shit.
And having two Women's titles was always going to be
godawful. Oh, look, Melina just pinned Michelle
McCool after a sunset flip/powerbomb thing.
Absolutely nothing interesting happened in that
TO THE BACK where
everyone's favourite cross-eyed cadet Josh Mathews
is gonna talk to CM Punk. Alrighty. Aside from
wishing everyone were straightedge, he's
disappointingly un-heely, basically wishing good
luck to both Jeff and Morrison tonight. Hmm.
BACK and HE IS PERFECTION, it's
Dolph Ziggler, who was wandering around with Maria
before the break but comes out to the ring alone. I
don't like how the announcer says his name. He
doesn't drag out the word 'Dolph' enough. I also
preferred Ziggler's old theme tune. Oh well. Still
one of my absolute favourites on SmackDown right
now. It's a tag match, Zig's teaming with Mike Knox.
I really like Knox's theme tune because it sounds
like the Melvins. Following this up with Finlay's
theme tune is just soul-dest
Dolph Ziggler & Mike Knox vs Finlay &
Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio
So Ziggler was due to win the IC title at NoC until
the 11th hour. "Political reasons". Fuck that shit,
Heel Intercontinental champions are always the best.
Ziggler and Rey start out. Quick to-and-fro before
Knox comes in and levels Mysterio with a crossbody.
Wowch. That's a new word I invented which is a cross
between 'wow' and 'ouch'. Mysterio soon escapes and
Finlay is in to stiff the shit out of Knox, even
hitting a rolling fireman's carry slam on Knox.
Impressive. Knox is a genuinely big bastard, but I
never noticed until he grew his hair and beard. Odd.
During his time offscreen he also seems to have
improved his skills, as he looks genuinely fearsome
against Finlay. I guess the Mike Knox/Charlie Haas
'Hard Knox Connection' ain't happening. Oh well. The
heels are working over Finlay. I tell ya, if you
want to make a guy look good, have him beat the shit
out of Finlay. You could probably drop an anvil on
Finlay's head and he'd be fine after a couple of
aspirin and a Guinness. Indeed, as JR points out,
Finlay is tougher than a two-dollar steak. Y'all.
This is dragging a little bit. The heels are still
beating Finlay 'to an Irish pulp' as Tard suggests.
Finally Rey tags in against Ziggler and does his
usual flippy shit. Springboard crossbody gets two.
you know, after all these years I still find myself
remarking on how fucking tiny Rey is. Rey hits a 619
and a splash on Ziggler but Knox breaks up the pin,
only to be roughly clotheslined over and out by
Finlay. Ziggler goes for his finisher (the ZIG ZAG,
thankyou readers) on Finlay but Rey hits a really
really pathetic sunset flip which gets three.
Finlay & Rey Mysterio
Crazy-eyed Josh is here
to talk to John Morrison. Good. Morrison needs more
mic time. The crowd do like Morrison now, but his "I
respect the ridiculously popular face champion but I
plan to beat him this evening" talk falls on deaf
ears. There is absolutely no way Morrison is winning
tonight, but it should be a fucking cool match.
BACK and CHARLIE
HAAS is in the ring! Hello Charlie! How are ya. Who
are you wrestling tonight? Oh dear.
Charlie Haas vs The Great Khali w/
You can probably guess
how this goes. This exchange made me laugh. Tard:
"Khali's hands are the size of a laptop computer"
JR: "God, not a laptop." Kane appears out of nowhere
and attacks Ranjin Singh, and the match is just sort
of abandoned as we cut straight to Jeff and JoMo
getting ready. What?
Winner: not me
over 25 minutes to go, here's the main event. JoMo
is out first. Tard says this is the biggest match of
Aerosmith song they're using for SummerSlam is one
of the most hideous pieces of shit I've ever heard.
The nameless Night Of Champions music was pretty
cool. It was like the A-Team or something. Here's
Jeff wearing a girl's top.
John Morrison vs Jeff Hardy (c), World Heavyweight
introductions always add a little weight. JoMo gets
a nice little pop, Jeff gets a far bigger one. JR
says Billy Graham beat Bruno Sammartino in this
arena, as if it happened last week. Christ. THE WWE
UNIVERSE HAS NO INTEREST IN HISTORY. Compelling
stuff from both guys to start out, no need to recap,
you know how good they are. I will put it out there
that Morrison is a far better worker than Jeff, the
only thing which needs a little work is his
connection with the crowd. Jeff is a little
inconsistent in the ring these days but is over like
a motherfucker. Swings and roundabouts; these two
have very good chemistry. Springboard moonsault to
the outside from Morrison gets so much air that he
lands on his feet, but Hardy sells it and both men
are down as we go to
BACK and Jeff's
in a headlock. This is apparently Morrison's very
first World Title match (uhhh, E-C-Dub!)... Things
have very suddenly sped up, with Morrison going for
Starship Pain, Jeff dodging it, Morrison landing on
his feet and then getting flattened by Whisper in
the Wind, which got two. Phew, time for a chinlock.
Tard says Jeff is the "sympathetic favourite"...
erm, no - he just won the fucking World Title,
there's no sympathy required. I'd be behind Morrison
100% here if I, y'know, thought it was real. It's
not. What am I doing with my life. Morrison is
working on a comeback, with a backbreaker leading
into an absolutely stunning standing shooting star
press which got two. This is a superb match,
actually. Better than Hardy/Punk, perhaps. I'm a
total Morrison mark though, so yeah.
BACK AGAIN and it's to and fro as if
the match has just started. Both guys have a lot of
energy tonight. Really good crowd worth mentioning
also. Both guys go to the outside and Hardy uses the
steps to dust off the crash-and-burn thing into the
barrier. Hardy misses a huge Whisper in the Wind
back in the ring, Morrison hits his awesome running
knee which gets a long two. Morrison misses a
springboard leg lariat but rolls back onto his feet.
A second leg lariat off the ropes gets two, and
Morrison is on a roll. Hardy tries to turn it around
but gets crotched onto the ropes, getting hit by the
Chuck Kick which looks fucking harsh. Another two.
Moonlight Drive attempt gets reversed and soon Hardy
goes up and hits a Swanton - and Morrison kicks out
at two, to audible gasps. Fucking awesome. Jeff goes
to the corner for the mule kick which Morrison
blocks. Morrison goes for Starship Pain but Jeff
gets the knees up, then hits a Twist of Fate and a
gets three. Brilliant match.
With quite a few minutes to go, out
strides CM Punk, smirking and applauding, slapping
JoMo on the back as he leaves. Boos turn to cheers
as Punk raises Jeff's hand.
Keephimheelkeephimheelkeephimheel. Jeff doesn't know
what the hell to do. Punk gets the mic, saying 'you
know, Jeff, the last few weeks...' before abruptly
snapping and beating the everloving shit out of
Hardy for about five minutes. Fuck yeah. He finishes
by throwing Jeff over the announce table and
striding away. Solid boos. They even cut to some
shocked-looking girls and children in the crowd.
Punk finally gets on the mic to tell us that he has
his rematch next week, and that's that.
YES: Main event was superb, four stars at the
very least. Punk is finally a full-on heel, and is a
natural. The tag match wasn't too bad either. And
Cryme Tyme finally have a high-profile PPV match
coming up. Also, NO WORD UP! AND NO PRETTY RICKY!
THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT!
NO: Quite a lot of recaps
and shit this week. Khali/Haas was completely
pointless, I hate no-contest shit like that. Kane's
appearance was mercifully brief but he still pisses
Jericho & Big Show's music is the laziest, messiest
piece of shit ever. Why not just give them a
completely new piece of music rather than clumsily
fusing their individual themes together?
Overall, a decent show. Things are good in
SmackDownland. Till next week, I'm Ian Sparke, and
I'm starting to wonder if you can OD on root beer.