I have returrrrned! Oh
yes indeedy. SmackDown wasn't great last week,
really. Largely due to Kane stinking up the joint,
'Word Up' annoying the shit out of me, and worst of
all R-Truth's massively poi ntless skit (apparently
something to do with Martin Lawrence's long-canceled
TV show...) - three strikes. Let's hope they've
All the WWE shows have
crappy theme tunes, but SmackDown's is probably the
worst. It sounds like an Aerosmith B-side. Hey,
Here we go! Live from
Miami, Florida. Our main event will be Jeff Hardy &
Rey Mysterio vs Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler.
That's pretty cool. And Edge will be interviewed
about his busted ankle. Okay.
Once again it's
JEEEEEFFFF HARDY! But he's in what used to be
"street clothes". White vest and jeans. Yeah. No eye
patch this week. Shame. JR points out that Jeff has
"no face paint!" yeah, he only wears that for
matches, Jimbo. Jeff reminds us of CM Punk's cool
promo from last week. Jeff has waited one whole week
to respond, and he does so by saying he hasn't been
suspended for over a year, that he's ne ver been to
rehab, he "healed himself" (that means he just
stayed at home and took more drugs). CM Punk comes
out before long in his pretty cool shirt which makes
it look like someone has shat on him. Yeah, that's
cool. Punk says that those who don't learn from
history are doomed to repeat it. "you remember that
from school? Probably not, because you were a
screw-up then, too." Jeff does a hilarious "ooh, I'm
scared!" face. This is a great two-man promo. Punk
is a natural. Crowd are firmly behind Hardy. I just
typed 'Crowdy' instead of Hardy. Finally, Punk pulls
out his ace - "a guy like you could never beat me -
I'M STRAIGHT EDGE!" I notice Punk has even subtly
'heeled-up' his facial hair. Jeff cuts off Punk's
coolness - he said Jeff was going to become
'another... statistic' - by slapping Punk right out
of the ring. Punk keeps his cool though, saying he
has a match coming up. He then... sits down. Okay.
Recap of the (superb) John Morrison vs CM Pu nk
match from a few weeks back.
Wrestling time! Punk is
facing... aww yeah.
John Morrison vs World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk
So glad Morrison hasn't
changed his entrance or ring attire or really
anything at all since turning face. Man... Morrison
makes Punk look downright pudgy. Tard tells us
exactly what chemical constitutes Punk's eye drops.
Thanks. Punk actually does have a bit of a paunch
going on. That's pretty funny. Oh yeah, wrestling.
It's real good, very fluid and evenly matched for
the first few minutes. Punk goes for the GTS early
but Morrison turned it rather awkwardly into a
monkey flip. Morrison is painfully yanked out of the
ring, just in time for ADVERTISING!
BACK and JoMo is in a
body scissors. He fights out briefly but pretty soon
is back in it. What is that written on the soles of
Punk's boots? And why does he have "31" on them?
Morr ison, after about six years, escapes the body
scissors and does his flippy kicky shit culminating
in his running knee which got two. Top rope
hurricanrana from Morrison is rolled through by Punk
very smoothly into a sunset flip for two. JoMo
rolling cradle gets two, Punk bridges out and
immediately hits a fantastic double-underhook
backbreaker for another two. Amusing kick-punch
exchange before Punk slaps on a sleeper hold.
Remember in the late 80s when a sleeper would get a
huge pop? Well, this crowd doesn't. Morrison is out
quickly anyway and gets his own sleeper for a few
seconds before the always-nonsensical 'double
clothesline' double knockdown. Both men are up at
six, and Morrison hits his 'Chuck kick' before
dragging Punk over for a Starship Pain attempt,
which Punk stops, grabbing Morrison for a GTS, but
JoMo slips out. Suddenly Punk goes for some sort of
weird armbar thing which Morrison turns into a sort
of reverse cradle - for the win! Wow . Decent little
match I guess. They've done better.
Winner: John Morrison.
Morrison offers Punk a
handshake. Punk looks really pissed off, and slinks
out of the ring. Apparently it was an Oklahoma Roll
which Punk was going for before he lost. I don't
know what that is, but it sounds delicious. I bet
it's just spare ribs on a bun. So, two big wins in a
row for JoMo. Nice. Let's not screw up this
much-deserved push, shall we?
Promo for the
fantastic-looking World's Greatest Tag Teams DVD set
leads into ADVERTISING followed by.... Layla. With a
mic. Bourbon, please, lots of ice.
Layla's a heel but gets
cheap face pops from a) being from Miami and b)
being a cheerleader. She then proceeds to dance. The
most obvious piped-in cheer ever indicates what is
obvious to me: this crowd does not care. Layla is
rather hilariously interrupted by RICKY ORTIZ, who
is handing out towels. Erm, where is this going?
Aren't they both heels? Aaah, the old
mocking-the-local-sports-team stuff. Nice, Ricky.
Ricky tells everyone to rally up. Layla mockingly
does so before leaving. What, she's a face now? Tard
tells us Ricky is 'heartbroken'. He has no idea,
folks, for this nonsense segues straight into Word
Up. Y'know, I really like Cryme Tyme - in the ring.
This bullshit is just terrible. Today's word is
'championized' which isn't a fucking word. Fuck
this. I have absolutely no idea what any of them are
talking about. Jesse comes in again. I hope they
give him a gun next week. Or me. White boy gets
thrown in a laundry basket, before wondering "man,
why y'all keep doin' me this way?" I feel ya, Jesse.
R-Truth has an actual MATCH next. Fantastic. Oh,
he's facing Kane. Ugggghhhhh...
Kane vs R-Truth
Kane is officially way
past his sell-by date. He was useless last week.
Maybe this will be different. Maybe he'll have a
really good match, and maybe The Great Khali won't
show up. Yeah, that'd be nice. R-Truth is getting
great pops at the moment but his entrance is
starting to grate on me ever so slightly. At least
he doesn't come through the crowd anymore. Shit used
to take him 25 minutes. We're underway with lots of
shoving and punching. Kane does his usual crap for a
while while JR puts over how big he is. God, Kane is
so sloooowwww. Putting him against someone as quick
as Truth just exaggerates it. Truth boots Kane out
of the ring. Kane mopes around outside the ring as
we go to ADVERTISING.
BACK and Truth is still
being squashed by Kane. Truth manages to come back
with his backflip stuff and a kick, but runs
straight into a sidewalk slam which gets two. This
is boring. R-Truth is a really talented guy but Kane
always has the same damn match no matter who he's
with. Losing the will to recap this accurately. If
you've seen Kane vs anybody over the last couple of
years, it's like that. Only slower. This is making
Truth look useless. Please tell me why Kane needs a
push of any kind. SmackDown has been notably worse
since he returned. Kane is 'a former champion', says
Tard rather pathetically. Truth manages to hit a DDT
which gets two. He comes off the top rope straight
into a big boot from Kane which gets three. LAME.
Oh wonderful, here's
Khali, looking hilariously "angry". Lamest feud in
WWE right now. "How about this - Kane attacks Khali
for no reason causing him to lose to Dolph Ziggler.
They then hit each other with chairs occasionally.
GOLD!" Khali doesn't even do anything this week, as
R-Truth just hit Kane with a missile dropkick,
causing him to escape into the crowd. Khali isn't
even chasing him. Kane, you're a bitch.
So the last 20 minutes
of this show has been complete shit. Hmm. Hey, RAW
next week will be hosted by ZZ TOP! Brilliant. I
swear, this happened in one of my dreams once. If
Raw ends with ZZ Top giving away magic lollipops to
the crowd whilst John Cena rides an ostrich, I am
Oh for fuck's sake.
It's R-Truth doing the same fucking unfunny horrible
Buckwheat bullshit from last week. He talks to the
least intelligible man in history, before wandering
around Miami beach being unfunny. MAKE IT STOP. Oh
good, a match.
All Three Of The Hart Dynasty vs Cryme Tyme & Eve
Recap of the pretty
good Dynasty/Cryme Tyme match from Superstars.
Unfortunately, the ladies are starting off. Natalya
is awesome but totally wasted in this role. Very
quickly, the gentlemen take over, and Cryme Tyme
take turns pasting Kidd. JTG gets crotched on the
top rope and David Hart Smith tags in. I kinda like
Smith. He's improving. Solid tandem offense from
Smith and Kidd. God, Kidd screams a lot. "YEAAAHH!
I'VE GOT HIM IN A HEADLOCK! AAARGH!" Back to the
laydeez now, with Eve hitting some nice dropkicks. I
have to concur with JR that Eve has improved. She
hits a decent handspring moonsault which signals
all-round clusterfuckery. Kidd breaks up the pin.
Natalya drops Eve onto the ropes before hitting a
nutty little spinning clothesline, which gets three.
Winners: The Hart
TO THE BACK where
Ziggler is doing pushups. Maria interrupts to kiss
his bicep. Ugh. So word is that Edge is gonna return
around Royal Rumble time, as a full-on face. Good.
He's been heel for way too long. They'd better keep
him on camera. He's onscreen now to cheers. He talks
about his career in a sombre, believable manner.
Jericho comes out and interrupts Edge, despite the
fact that Edge is on a screen. Awkward. He says he
came out because Edge is making him sick. Ed ge
doesn't care aboot Chris Jericho! Edge doesn't care
aboot the tag titles - big whoop, Jericho seems to
have left his tag belts at home. Jericho talks about
being 'the ruler of the WWE Universe', causing me to
picture him wielding Force lightning. That'd be
cool. He lists Edge's injuries, calling him frail.
Jericho's apparently never been injured. Is this
true? Props to him. Hang on, wasn't it Edge who
asked Jericho to tag with him? Yay, revisionism!
Edge effortlessly gets cheers when he talks about
returning. His theme music then hilariously hits.
BACK and Jericho's in
the ring, partying down to his music and displaying
some smooth breakdance moves. Not really. He's just
Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler vs Jeff Hardy
& Rey Mysterio
So Ziggler is
challenging Mysterio for the Intercontinental title
at Night Of Champions. I'm really looking forwar d
to that one actually. I'm no bandwagon-jumper (is
there a Ziggler bandwagon yet?) but DolZig is really
impressing me now.
I calculate that the
chances of CM Punk showing up again at some point
tonight are roughly 100%.
Mysterio's minty green
getup makes him look like a walking toothpaste tube.
AND HERE'S CM PUNK! Match hasn't even started yet. I
am truly Nostradamus. Punk is joining JR and Tard on
commentary. That's fine, guest commentators are just
there to exhibit their love of commentary. Hardy and
Jericho start off. Generic Hardy dominance to start
off. Punk's eye is getting better. Poor little baba.
Hardy is abruptly dropkicked off the apron, and it's
BACK and Ziggler is
keeping hardy down with some distinctly Hennig-esque
Advanced Headlockery. JR rather oddly says Ziggler
is a contender for the world title. Er, not yet.
Jericho is back in. Hardy is doing a n awful lot of
lying down recently. He seems a little off his game,
sadly. Hardy escapes and here comes the minty-fresh
Mysterio! Usual lucha stuff from him, but it's never
dull against Jericho. Natural chemistry. Rey knocks
Ziggler off the apron but runs into a boot, then
reverses a sunset flip, delivering a nasty kick to
Jericho which gets two. Jericho winds up being
hurricanrana'd but is about three feet from the
ropes, so he awkwardly crawls into the 619 position,
where Ziggler tags himself in, unseen by Rey. Rey
hits the 619 but Ziggler pulls him off the apron
hard to the outside, before rolling him back in for
a two-count. Ziggler's patented Mr. Perfect
headlockery ensues. Props to the guy, he can make
rest holds interesting. Rey gets slammed into the
corner which gets another two-count. He tries it
again but gets elbowed in the face before being
rana'd into the ring post. Rey escapes and both men
tag out. Hardy gets the upper hand on Jericho qui
ckly, getting a two-count before hitting Whisper in
the Wind for another close two. Jericho tries to
turn a hurricanrana into the Walls but Jeff slips
out. I think it's safe to say now that it's never a
wise move to try to hurricanrana Chris Jericho.
Hardy hits a Twist of Fate and a Swanton, Ziggler
breaks up the count but Rey attacks him. Punk isn't
doing a great deal on commentary aside state the
obvious. Jeff accidentally launches Jericho into
Punk at ringside, and Punk returns the favour,
sending Jeff into the steps and causing a DQ.
Winners by DQ: Rey
Mysterio & Jeff Hardy.
Everyone is outside the
ring. Ziggler goes after Rey again, hitting his
nameless finisher. Jericho rolls Hardy back into the
ring for a slightly screwy Codebreaker followed by
the Walls. Punk looks on in a taciturn manner before
leaving. JR helpfully points out that Punk is STILL
the World Heavyweight Champion. Er, yeah, he wasn't
in the ma tch. We close on a beaten-looking Jeff
lying in the ring.
YES: I'm gonna go ahead and say that CM
Punk is the best thing on SmackDown right now. He's
having good matches, is great on the mic, and his
heel turn has been perfectly executed. The six-man
mixed tag match was formulaic, but watchable stuff.
Morrison and Ziggler were also great as always.
NO: The main event should've been better.
It was decent, but predictable. Why not let the
heels win clean? The Layla/Ortiz bit was dumb. So
she's turned face out of nowhere? R-Truth's "comedy"
segment sadly returned, and failed miserably. At
least he was in a match. Oh yeah, that match was
crappy. Kane is a shadow of his former self and
SmackDown was better off without him. Both Kane and
sadly Jeff Hardy seemed to be phoning it in tonight.
WHAT? What are they doing with R-Truth?
This comedy shit is just going to annoy people. And
Wigga Jesse needs to just get the fuck off my
screen. And what happened to Teddy Long? Is he still
on "probation" or did they go ahead and imprison
Overall, patchy. A
shame. SmackDown was really great for about five
weeks, then as soon as I start recapping it, the
crap starts to seep through. Figuratively, of
course. Still, CM Punk is the dude at the moment, so
it all balances out.
Till next week, I'm Ian
Sparke, lord of all I survey.