LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
BY IAN SPARKE
everybody, it's your brand new SmackDown! recapper
here. I am Ian Sparke, and I am English. Proud to be
So here we are in, er, somewhere.
Jericho and Mysterio have an Intercontinental title
match tonight. Oh good.
Jeeeeeeff Hardy is
out, with a fucking eyepatch. That, and his 'wet
look' hair makes him look like he's stepped out of
Waterworld. Hands up who's watched that movie
recently. Me neither. Anyway, it takes me a moment
to realise this is obviously to do with his snarky
"eye injury" from last week. Huge pop as ever for
Hardy. JR and Tard tell us about Night Of Champions,
which is from the great city of Philadelphia. Can't
be that great if I've never been there.
is on the mic to remind us of when TRAGEDY STRUCK
last week. Jeff is being dangerously sarcastic here.
He says unlike CM Punk, he does not make up
injuries. He takes off the pat ch saying his 'eye
injury' is just as serious as Punks. What a bitch.
Oh, he has a match. Against KAAAAANE.
Jeff Hardy vs. Kane
Kane reminds me of an albino Shrek when he smiles.
Relatively fast-paced stuff to start, Kane gets
pitched to the outside quickly. Hardy hits a crappy
"plancha" over the top rope. Back inside, Hardy
slips out of a bodyslam attempt before Kane damn
near takes his head off with a vicious uppercut.
Hardy is the face-in-peril in record time. Hardy
rolls to the outside like a sack of dirt as we go to
BACK and Hardy is getting
thoroughly compressed by Kane. Generic heel offense
leads to a very gay-looking "very unique modified
bearhug". Hardy elbows his way out and hits a nice
jawbreaker and a coupla dropkicks. Hardys amusing
little legdrop to the nuts gets one. Kane then hits
the shittiest gutbuster ever which gets two. Jeff
gets sent into the ring post and Kane hits a nasty
baseball slide while he's in the corner. I'm torn on
Kane now, he's simultaneously cool and fucking
boring. He also seems worryingly rusty. Shitty
backbreaker followed by a body scissors. Apparently
in the 1900s wrestlers trained by using the body
scissors on "bags of wheat". Nice sidewalk slam.
God, Hardy's done literally nothing in this match.
Hardy starts a comeback with a DDT which gets two.
Hardy comes off the top and Kane catches him for a
chokeslam, but Hardy slips out and hits a Whisper in
the Wind (officially the gayest name for a move
ever). Twist of fate, shirt off, Hardy goes up for a
swanton and CM PUNK comes out. Kane chokeslams Hardy
off the top which gets three. Punk slopes off
without doing or saying anything. Pretty dull match,
Promo for the WWE
Championship match at NoC. Same old crap. Orton.
Cena. Triple H. Yawn.
After more ADVERTISING
we're back with... guhhhh.... 'Word Up'. God, why is
this fucking thing on TV now? I t's Cryme Tyme AKA
Top Flight G's AKA "Gigiddy Boys" AKA "Gazoontite"
which is not how you fucking spell that word. What
the hell are they talking about? Today's word is 'bromance'.
Examples of 'bromance' include Fred and Barney
(okay), Leonardo DiCaprio and Zac Efron (...) and
Siegfried & Roy. Cryme Tyme then say 'ta-daaa' in a
hilariously un-PC 'camp' voice. Aah, this may go
somewhere. They rip into the Hart Dynasty, comparing
Natalya to a dolphin. Okay. That whole bit came off
as rather homophobic actually. No time to think
about that, here's JESSE, for the third week in a
row, doing his face-clawingly unfunny wigga routine.
Eve and Cryme Tyme finish up by locking the white
boy in a cage. Good god.
TO THE BACK now for
more 'bromance' between Teddy Long and John
Morrison, who is facing Dolph Ziggler tonight. Dolph
pops out of a closet, prompting the most obvious
joke in the history of the world. He's followed by a
trailer-trash-lookin g Maria. She wishes Ziggler
good luck. And here we go.
Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison
This should be a real cool match. Ziggler is really
growing on me. I don't like his new theme tune
though. JoMo is out in SloMo to a decent pop. JR
talks about 12 Rounds, seemingly in the style of
Rain Man. "I have seen it. I like it. It is now part
of my DVD collection. Next to John Wayne." JR has
the body of John Wayne in his house, instead of a
shelf. That's what he means. Sicko.
Super-quick chain and mat wrestling to start with. I
thought I heard some idiot in the crowd say "woo woo
woo". Wrong show, bro. Ziggler hilarious barks "you
WISH you looked like me!" Morrison launches himself
over the top to hit DOLPH with a crazy corkscrew...
thing. It was cool. Good psychology from both guys.
Ziggler takes the upper hand with a few rest holds.
Tard says he thinks Ziggler and Maria are 'going
steady'. Who is he, Richie Cunningham? The crowd are
rather quiet for this, and it's a good little match
so far. Awesome swinging kick thing by JoMo and he
takes charge. More cool leaping stuff followed by
his really cool running knee. Inverse exploder
suplex from Ziggler turns it around again. Morrison
hits a beautiful missile dropkick off the top, as JR
incessantly puts both men over. Morrison goes for
his tilt-a-whirl DDT but Ziggler very smoothly
counters with a rollup and a handful of tights for
the shock win. That was a very cool match. Both guys
looked great as ever.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler.
Things take a turn for the insane now, as we cut to
R-Truth outside some building or other. He is
wearing fake hillbilly teeth and saying his name is
Delicious Pretty Ricky, and he has a GQ magazine
shoot. What in God's name is this... I stare
dumbfounded at this ridiculous, pointless sketch. I
need something to help me pretend that didn't
happen. Oh good, Divas.
Melina & Eve Torres vs Women' s Champion Michelle
McCool & Layla
I've decided that
Melina is the only Diva with a good entrance theme.
Although new guy Yoshi Tatsu on ECW now officially
has the greatest entrance music in the history of
wrestling. Did you hear that shit? Sounded like a
hidden level from fucking Mario Brothers where all
you have to do is drink milkshakes, walk on sunbeams
and high-five everybody. Seriously, it's that god
damn happy. Anyway.
Eve and Layla start out.
Usual inept Diva nonsense. I am distracted by the
ultra-shininess of Layla's hair. McCool tags in. She
at least sort of knows what she's doing. She
rest-holds Eve for a while. There is a lot of
grunting. Both tag out eventually and Melina unloads
screaming coolness all over Layla. Melina is also
the only Diva with anything approaching a moveset.
Layla doesn't look too bad here, but she
accidentally knocks McCool off the apron, allowing
Melina to roll her up for three. McCool immediately
te ars into Melina and they brawl all over the
place. JR calls McCool a 'hellcat'. That was...
Winners: Melina & Eve Torres
Another recap of the 'eye for an eye' stuff with
Punk/Hardy. Punk is facing The Great Khali tonight.
So is he a heel yet or not? I like the slow turn
they've given him, but it's getting a little drawn
out now. Jeff has joined JR and Tard for commentary.
Jeff said Punk "needs to be concerned" in the most
bored-sounding tone of voice ever. Rally up, Jeff!
Where's Ricky Ortiz when you need him.
here-and-there reaction for Punk. Not loud cheers
and loud boos, just an overall sort of 'eh'. Crowd
hots up when Punk gets on the mic. Good. Punk
hilariously proves he has a damaged eye by showing
punk his little tiny bottle of eye drops. He is such
a natural asshole on the mic, it's great. "Unlike
you, Jeff, this is the only foreign substance I will
allow in my body". Burned! CM Punk: addicted
to 20/2 0 VISION. Oh yeah. He starts ripping into
him, even pointing out that Jeff has two strikes on
the wellness policy and that he's never had any
strikes or suspensions. Pretty cool promo. Jeff
stands up... and does nothing. Khali finally comes
World Heavyweight Champion
CM Punk vs The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh
starts out with his little kicks, which do nothing.
Khali clobbers him with a punch before ramming him
into the turnbuckle and giving him one of those big
chest-slaps. Khali misses a leg drop, gets kicked,
and does some lumbering. Punk takes Khali down (!)
with a springboard clothesline. Khali kicks out,
nearly firing Punk clean out of the ring. Punk's
corner-knee just about hits Khali's armpit. Ha. Punk
is actually very good wrestling much bigger guys.
Seriously, Khali doesn't look too bad here. Khali
hits a Punjabi plunge on Punk, which causes Kane to
come ambling out with a chair. And as Tard points
out, "the onl y thing more intimidating than a big
red monster, is a big red monster carrying a steel
chair!" wow, Tard Grisham is pretty hard to
intimidate, then. JR helpfully points out that Kane
is not out here to rearrange furniture, he's here to
"rearrange the brain cells of the Great Khali!"
Singh slides a chair over to Khali, and this is ON!
Khali gets hit first, but awesomely just punches the
chair out of Kane's hand when he tries it again.
Khali hits Kane gently on the arm, so Kane runs
away. Good god, Kane is so pathetic recently.
ADVERTISING, then... yo yo yo yo! Thank fuck Cryme
Tyme have a match to counteract their dreadful
'comedy' segment earlier. It's a rematch from last
Cryme Tyme vs The Hart Dynasty
Fact: Natalya is tiny. Tyson Kidd starts off with
JTG. Really quick stuff with JTG getting the early
advantage, backdropping Kidd to the outside. Kidd
then launches JTG into the announce table. "I think
JTG may have lost some of h is grill!" David Hart
Smith is in now to beat the hell out of JTG. JTG
escapes pretty fast and tags in Shad for a good pop.
Clusterfuckery after this, Natalya distraction,
double-teaming, then Smith pins Shad after a...
Winners: The Hart Dynasty.
Well that was crappy. RAW Rebound. Actually, RAW was
pretty cool this week thanks to the presence of the
always-cool Million Dollar Man. Dramatic music over
the replay of Cena/Trips sounds like something from
a fucking shampoo ad. The Million Dollar Man's theme
tune still kicks ass. Still don't give a fuck about
the WWE Title picture right now. Here comes Jericho
and his one facial expression. Back to business!
Jericho cuts a rather dull promo about how many
championships he's won. He uses some long words
about Rey Mysterio. This feud was decent but it's
wearing thin now.
Chris Jericho vs Rey Mysterio (c);
Intercontinental Championship match
For some re ason Rey is wearing actual rosary beads
around his neck, perhaps unaware that he already has
a perfectly serviceable tattoo of rosary beads
around his neck. Important-sounding in-ring
introductions, and we're off, with a Jericho
headlock. Rey comes off the ropes straight into a
stiff shoulderblock. Some characteristic offense
from both, then Jericho pitches Rey right out of the
ring, but Rey rolls and lands on his feet. Cool.
Action accelerates from here, Rey hitting a senton
off the apron. Jericho hits a nice tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker, before Rey comes back with some tiny
punches. Rey eventually gets shot hard into the
Rey's still being a
big baby outside the ring. Jericho finally goes and
retrieves him, hitting a kneedrop. Rest hold.
Enzuigiri from Rey turns it around for a second but
Jericho hits that awesome torture rack backbreaker
on Rey which gets two. Rey eventually hits a
fantastic springboard crossbody followed b y a
wheelbarrow bulldog. This is back and forth all the
way, these two are really good together. Jericho
turns a hurricanrana attempt into the Walls. Rey
thumps Jericho's knee a bit, which allows him to
escape. Cool series of reversals, each getting two.
Jericho goes for a German suplex but Rey flips out
of it and rana's Jericho into the 619 position, but
Rey misses and flies out of the ring. ADVERTISING.
We come back with Rey
fighting out of a rest hold. Both guys are getting
blown up now and the match slows right down, Jericho
just stalks and punches. Brief comeback from Rey
ends with him getting slammed into the buckles, this
happens twice. Jericho hits a cool sorta
suplex-backbreaker move which I don't know the name
of. Another rest hold. Things pick up again from
here. Very fluid reversals from both guys, before a
springboard moonsault sees Rey caught by Jericho in
a bodyslam position and dumped in the tree of woe.
Jeri cho misses a corner charge and Rey hits a top
rope senton followed by a hurricanrana. This is a
damn good match. Back and forth, back and forth. Rey
dodges the Lionsault but Jericho lands on his feet,
and quickly turns a Rey hurricanrana into the Walls
again. Rey manages to crawl to the ropes, eliciting
a small but noticeable 'boo' from the crowd. Rey
hits a great springboard moonsault onto Jericho on
the outside. Back in the ring, Rey goes for a
springboard crossbody, but Jericho grabs him in a
mid-air Codebreaker. Jericho yells "stay down!" at
Rey, and gets tripped into the corner before Rey
hits a 619 and a splash for the win.
still Intercontinental Champion: Rey Mysterio
After the bell Edge runs out and attacks Rey, who
escapes, before DOLPH ZIGGLER comes to attack Rey
too. Rey flees back into the ring, straight into an
Edge spear. Edge and Jericho then hit a cool two-man
elevated Codebreaker. Ziggler then enters the ring
to loud "you suck!" chants, stalking Rey before
hitting his leaping neckbreaker finisher thing. And
that's it. Interesting.
YES: Rey/Jericho was a very good match,
arguably their best to date. Nice to see Ziggler
getting a decent rub from it too. His match with
Morrison was very solid also.
NO: Hardy/Kane was poor. Kane looks really
out of shape. Khali/Punk was inoffensive, but
pointless. A Kane/Khali feud does not look like
'fun' in the traditional sense. Divas match was just
kind of there. Cryme Tyme/Harts was way too short.
The Harts needed a victory I guess, but it was a
Cryme Tyme's 'Word Up' segment is unspeakably
annoying. And what in God's name was R-Truth doing?
Seriously, that segment was just fucking weird.
Overall, given SmackDown's recent standard, this was
a slightly below-average show which was just about
saved by Morrison/Ziggler and Jericho/Mysterio.
Till next week, I'm Ian Sparke, and I am a giver.
TO IAN SPARKE