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Good evening everybody, it's your brand new SmackDown! recapper here. I am Ian Sparke, and I am English. Proud to be of service.

So here we are in, er, somewhere. Jericho and Mysterio have an Intercontinental title match tonight. Oh good.

Jeeeeeeff Hardy is out, with a fucking eyepatch. That, and his 'wet look' hair makes him look like he's stepped out of Waterworld. Hands up who's watched that movie recently. Me neither. Anyway, it takes me a moment to realise this is obviously to do with his snarky "eye injury" from last week. Huge pop as ever for Hardy. JR and Tard tell us about Night Of Champions, which is from the great city of Philadelphia. Can't be that great if I've never been there.

Jeff is on the mic to remind us of when TRAGEDY STRUCK last week. Jeff is being dangerously sarcastic here. He says unlike CM Punk, he does not make up injuries. He takes off the pat ch saying his 'eye injury' is just as serious as Punks. What a bitch. Oh, he has a match. Against KAAAAANE.

Jeff Hardy vs. Kane

Kane reminds me of an albino Shrek when he smiles. Relatively fast-paced stuff to start, Kane gets pitched to the outside quickly. Hardy hits a crappy "plancha" over the top rope. Back inside, Hardy slips out of a bodyslam attempt before Kane damn near takes his head off with a vicious uppercut. Hardy is the face-in-peril in record time. Hardy rolls to the outside like a sack of dirt as we go to ADVERTISING.

BACK and Hardy is getting thoroughly compressed by Kane. Generic heel offense leads to a very gay-looking "very unique modified bearhug". Hardy elbows his way out and hits a nice jawbreaker and a coupla dropkicks. Hardys amusing little legdrop to the nuts gets one. Kane then hits the shittiest gutbuster ever which gets two. Jeff gets sent into the ring post and Kane hits a nasty baseball slide while he's in the corner. I'm torn on Kane now, he's simultaneously cool and fucking boring. He also seems worryingly rusty. Shitty backbreaker followed by a body scissors. Apparently in the 1900s wrestlers trained by using the body scissors on "bags of wheat". Nice sidewalk slam. God, Hardy's done literally nothing in this match. Hardy starts a comeback with a DDT which gets two. Hardy comes off the top and Kane catches him for a chokeslam, but Hardy slips out and hits a Whisper in the Wind (officially the gayest name for a move ever). Twist of fate, shirt off, Hardy goes up for a swanton and CM PUNK comes out. Kane chokeslams Hardy off the top which gets three. Punk slopes off without doing or saying anything. Pretty dull match, too.
Winner: Kane.

Promo for the WWE Championship match at NoC. Same old crap. Orton. Cena. Triple H. Yawn.

After more ADVERTISING we're back with... guhhhh.... 'Word Up'. God, why is this fucking thing on TV now? I t's Cryme Tyme AKA Top Flight G's AKA "Gigiddy Boys" AKA "Gazoontite" which is not how you fucking spell that word. What the hell are they talking about? Today's word is 'bromance'. Examples of 'bromance' include Fred and Barney (okay), Leonardo DiCaprio and Zac Efron (...) and Siegfried & Roy. Cryme Tyme then say 'ta-daaa' in a hilariously un-PC 'camp' voice. Aah, this may go somewhere. They rip into the Hart Dynasty, comparing Natalya to a dolphin. Okay. That whole bit came off as rather homophobic actually. No time to think about that, here's JESSE, for the third week in a row, doing his face-clawingly unfunny wigga routine. Eve and Cryme Tyme finish up by locking the white boy in a cage. Good god.

TO THE BACK now for more 'bromance' between Teddy Long and John Morrison, who is facing Dolph Ziggler tonight. Dolph pops out of a closet, prompting the most obvious joke in the history of the world. He's followed by a trailer-trash-lookin g Maria. She wishes Ziggler good luck. And here we go.

Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison

This should be a real cool match. Ziggler is really growing on me. I don't like his new theme tune though. JoMo is out in SloMo to a decent pop. JR talks about 12 Rounds, seemingly in the style of Rain Man. "I have seen it. I like it. It is now part of my DVD collection. Next to John Wayne." JR has the body of John Wayne in his house, instead of a shelf. That's what he means. Sicko.

Super-quick chain and mat wrestling to start with. I thought I heard some idiot in the crowd say "woo woo woo". Wrong show, bro. Ziggler hilarious barks "you WISH you looked like me!" Morrison launches himself over the top to hit DOLPH with a crazy corkscrew... thing. It was cool. Good psychology from both guys. Ziggler takes the upper hand with a few rest holds. Tard says he thinks Ziggler and Maria are 'going steady'. Who is he, Richie Cunningham? The crowd are rather quiet for this, and it's a good little match so far. Awesome swinging kick thing by JoMo and he takes charge. More cool leaping stuff followed by his really cool running knee. Inverse exploder suplex from Ziggler turns it around again. Morrison hits a beautiful missile dropkick off the top, as JR incessantly puts both men over. Morrison goes for his tilt-a-whirl DDT but Ziggler very smoothly counters with a rollup and a handful of tights for the shock win. That was a very cool match. Both guys looked great as ever.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler.

Things take a turn for the insane now, as we cut to R-Truth outside some building or other. He is wearing fake hillbilly teeth and saying his name is Delicious Pretty Ricky, and he has a GQ magazine shoot. What in God's name is this... I stare dumbfounded at this ridiculous, pointless sketch. I need something to help me pretend that didn't happen. Oh good, Divas.

Melina & Eve Torres vs Women' s Champion Michelle McCool & Layla

I've decided that Melina is the only Diva with a good entrance theme. Although new guy Yoshi Tatsu on ECW now officially has the greatest entrance music in the history of wrestling. Did you hear that shit? Sounded like a hidden level from fucking Mario Brothers where all you have to do is drink milkshakes, walk on sunbeams and high-five everybody. Seriously, it's that god damn happy. Anyway.

Eve and Layla start out. Usual inept Diva nonsense. I am distracted by the ultra-shininess of Layla's hair. McCool tags in. She at least sort of knows what she's doing. She rest-holds Eve for a while. There is a lot of grunting. Both tag out eventually and Melina unloads screaming coolness all over Layla. Melina is also the only Diva with anything approaching a moveset. Layla doesn't look too bad here, but she accidentally knocks McCool off the apron, allowing Melina to roll her up for three. McCool immediately te ars into Melina and they brawl all over the place. JR calls McCool a 'hellcat'. That was... inoffensive.
Winners: Melina & Eve Torres

Another recap of the 'eye for an eye' stuff with Punk/Hardy. Punk is facing The Great Khali tonight. So is he a heel yet or not? I like the slow turn they've given him, but it's getting a little drawn out now. Jeff has joined JR and Tard for commentary. Jeff said Punk "needs to be concerned" in the most bored-sounding tone of voice ever. Rally up, Jeff! Where's Ricky Ortiz when you need him.

A here-and-there reaction for Punk. Not loud cheers and loud boos, just an overall sort of 'eh'. Crowd hots up when Punk gets on the mic. Good. Punk hilariously proves he has a damaged eye by showing punk his little tiny bottle of eye drops. He is such a natural asshole on the mic, it's great. "Unlike you, Jeff, this is the only foreign substance I will allow in my body". Burned!  CM Punk: addicted to 20/2 0 VISION. Oh yeah. He starts ripping into him, even pointing out that Jeff has two strikes on the wellness policy and that he's never had any strikes or suspensions. Pretty cool promo. Jeff stands up... and does nothing. Khali finally comes out. WAAAAAAAAAH!

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh
Punk starts out with his little kicks, which do nothing. Khali clobbers him with a punch before ramming him into the turnbuckle and giving him one of those big chest-slaps. Khali misses a leg drop, gets kicked, and does some lumbering. Punk takes Khali down (!) with a springboard clothesline. Khali kicks out, nearly firing Punk clean out of the ring. Punk's corner-knee just about hits Khali's armpit. Ha. Punk is actually very good wrestling much bigger guys. Seriously, Khali doesn't look too bad here. Khali hits a Punjabi plunge on Punk, which causes Kane to come ambling out with a chair. And as Tard points out, "the onl y thing more intimidating than a big red monster, is a big red monster carrying a steel chair!" wow, Tard Grisham is pretty hard to intimidate, then. JR helpfully points out that Kane is not out here to rearrange furniture, he's here to "rearrange the brain cells of the Great Khali!" Singh slides a chair over to Khali, and this is ON! Khali gets hit first, but awesomely just punches the chair out of Kane's hand when he tries it again. Khali hits Kane gently on the arm, so Kane runs away. Good god, Kane is so pathetic recently.

ADVERTISING, then... yo yo yo yo! Thank fuck Cryme Tyme have a match to counteract their dreadful 'comedy' segment earlier. It's a rematch from last week.

Cryme Tyme vs The Hart Dynasty
Fact: Natalya is tiny. Tyson Kidd starts off with JTG. Really quick stuff with JTG getting the early advantage, backdropping Kidd to the outside. Kidd then launches JTG into the announce table. "I think JTG may have lost some of h is grill!" David Hart Smith is in now to beat the hell out of JTG. JTG escapes pretty fast and tags in Shad for a good pop. Clusterfuckery after this, Natalya distraction, double-teaming, then Smith pins Shad after a... clothesline. What?
Winners: The Hart Dynasty.

Well that was crappy. RAW Rebound. Actually, RAW was pretty cool this week thanks to the presence of the always-cool Million Dollar Man. Dramatic music over the replay of Cena/Trips sounds like something from a fucking shampoo ad. The Million Dollar Man's theme tune still kicks ass. Still don't give a fuck about the WWE Title picture right now. Here comes Jericho and his one facial expression. Back to business!

Jericho cuts a rather dull promo about how many championships he's won. He uses some long words about Rey Mysterio. This feud was decent but it's wearing thin now.

Chris Jericho vs Rey Mysterio (c); Intercontinental Championship match

For some re ason Rey is wearing actual rosary beads around his neck, perhaps unaware that he already has a perfectly serviceable tattoo of rosary beads around his neck. Important-sounding in-ring introductions, and we're off, with a Jericho headlock. Rey comes off the ropes straight into a stiff shoulderblock. Some characteristic offense from both, then Jericho pitches Rey right out of the ring, but Rey rolls and lands on his feet. Cool. Action accelerates from here, Rey hitting a senton off the apron. Jericho hits a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, before Rey comes back with some tiny punches. Rey eventually gets shot hard into the ringpost. ADVERTISING.

Rey's still being a big baby outside the ring. Jericho finally goes and retrieves him, hitting a kneedrop. Rest hold. Enzuigiri from Rey turns it around for a second but Jericho hits that awesome torture rack backbreaker on Rey which gets two. Rey eventually hits a fantastic springboard crossbody followed b y a wheelbarrow bulldog. This is back and forth all the way, these two are really good together. Jericho turns a hurricanrana attempt into the Walls. Rey thumps Jericho's knee a bit, which allows him to escape. Cool series of reversals, each getting two.

Jericho goes for a German suplex but Rey flips out of it and rana's Jericho into the 619 position, but Rey misses and flies out of the ring. ADVERTISING. How convenient.

We come back with Rey fighting out of a rest hold. Both guys are getting blown up now and the match slows right down, Jericho just stalks and punches. Brief comeback from Rey ends with him getting slammed into the buckles, this happens twice. Jericho hits a cool sorta suplex-backbreaker move which I don't know the name of. Another rest hold. Things pick up again from here. Very fluid reversals from both guys, before a springboard moonsault sees Rey caught by Jericho in a bodyslam position and dumped in the tree of woe. Jeri cho misses a corner charge and Rey hits a top rope senton followed by a hurricanrana. This is a damn good match. Back and forth, back and forth. Rey dodges the Lionsault but Jericho lands on his feet, and quickly turns a Rey hurricanrana into the Walls again. Rey manages to crawl to the ropes, eliciting a small but noticeable 'boo' from the crowd. Rey hits a great springboard moonsault onto Jericho on the outside. Back in the ring, Rey goes for a springboard crossbody, but Jericho grabs him in a mid-air Codebreaker. Jericho yells "stay down!" at Rey, and gets tripped into the corner before Rey hits a 619 and a splash for the win.
Winner and still Intercontinental Champion: Rey Mysterio

After the bell Edge runs out and attacks Rey, who escapes, before DOLPH ZIGGLER comes to attack Rey too. Rey flees back into the ring, straight into an Edge spear. Edge and Jericho then hit a cool two-man elevated Codebreaker. Ziggler then enters the ring to loud "you suck!" chants, stalking Rey before hitting his leaping neckbreaker finisher thing. And that's it. Interesting.

YES: Rey/Jericho was a very good match, arguably their best to date. Nice to see Ziggler getting a decent rub from it too. His match with Morrison was very solid also.

NO: Hardy/Kane was poor. Kane looks really out of shape. Khali/Punk was inoffensive, but pointless. A Kane/Khali feud does not look like 'fun' in the traditional sense. Divas match was just kind of there. Cryme Tyme/Harts was way too short. The Harts needed a victory I guess, but it was a throwaway match.

WHAT?: Cryme Tyme's 'Word Up' segment is unspeakably annoying. And what in God's name was R-Truth doing? Seriously, that segment was just fucking weird.

Overall, given SmackDown's recent standard, this was a slightly below-average show which was just about saved by Morrison/Ziggler and Jericho/Mysterio.

Till next week, I'm Ian Sparke, and I am a giver.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).