Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(05/21/10)
By Jordan Huie

 

The theme of today's recap is My Hero by The Foo Fighters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87bcPisyTHs

 

@Andariel Halo: Jackson Pollack Huie? Really? That's the best insult you could think of? Giving me the initials JP? Do you know how pimping the JP initials are?! I'm not even kidding you! Go ahead, go up to your pimp, and ask him just how much he would love to have those initials! I'd bet you anything his response would be a deep, longing sigh, as he shakes his head at what could've been, before slapping you silly for holding out on him AGAIN, you trifling ho! For the utter weakness of this insult, I command that you register at www.ewcf.co.nr! And I command this because you owe it to me after this weakness - and not at all because I am madly in love with you and am desperately trying to get closer to you! NOT EVEN!

 

@Malculm not deserving a nickname: Holy crap, where do I start..first off, "Great" Scott truly is an evil, corrupt human being - I'm not even kidding here. I know he acts nice, but it's a cover-up. The guy lives a double life. He attends Klan meetings on the weekends. Secondly, Donald Duck is a badass mother, so the whole Huie, Dewey and Louie thing really isn't much of an insult to me. Third - I'm not Dino Bravo, I'm obviously Jimmy Hart. I've made that pretty clear. Do not make me show you what I can do with a megaphone - you don't want to know! Fourth - the word "maturity" and the term "FTW" should never be used in the same sentance. And fifth, "on like neckbones"?! WHY..I..OUGHTA! Dem's fightin' words, fella! Put 'em up, put 'em up!

 

This worked shoot aside, what the hell are we fighting for? We all know what the real problem is..that bastard Sean Carless! Waiting days upon days to post our recaps, solely to make us look lazy! We know how I brag about getting the file to the show pre-airing, and am typically sending in the recaps before the show's even over, yet still they don't come in until like Monday, or until they can be covered up by some random PPV from 2003..but what about that poor little slut, Halo? I hear she makes her recaps before the show's even taped! It's true - she just makes really accurate guesses! The man is holding us down, and I say no more! Revolt, recappers, revolt! We shall fight them on the beaches! We shall fight them on the plains!

 

So anyway, recaps! The file this time didn't come with a stupid script name..son I am dissapoint. Recap vid of Swaggies Norris Facts last week. I still think that was pretty prickish of Show. "Oh, you're going to call my fingers fat? Okay, I'll ruin everything you've worked your entire life for! There, now we're even." I said it once, I'll say it again - anger management. Still standing here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and speaking of Show, he takes on Drew McIntyre FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER~! Non-title of course. And Jack Swagger will be taking on Kofi Kingston for the FIRST TIME EVER~! Non-title of course. I'm seeing a pattern, here.

 

In the ring, is CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Serena and a handful of FCW wrestlers sitting in chairs in the ring. Three, to be exact. Gallows gets on the mic, and says there was a time he was just like said FCW wrestlers. Doomed to an eternity of working to acheive the level of Santino Marella? Sounds about right. He says that he once thought it was impossible to save himself from his drug addictions, and his awful case of Elephantitus. But the man that can save everyone in this ring and the WWE Universe can make the impossible possible - and that man is John Belushi. Actually it's CM Punk - but really, dude, Belushi~! Serena says everyone should stand up and show Punk the respect he deserves. I don't know if I've ever heard her say anything differant..Gallows says he can't think of a better place for this man's selfless and gracious act of generousity. He says that in Canada it's legal for teens to drink alchohaul. He says the youth of this nation are physically and morally handicapping themselves as their parents turn a blind eye. But that shall end for the three guys that look like they should be random douchebag extras in a party scene in American Pie - as they take the pledge to extinguish the demons from their EEEEEEEEVIL hair, just like Punk will do to Rey Mysterio at Over The Limit.

 

Serena says everyone should stand up and show Punk the respect he deserves. Actually, for once she says something differant this time - that the people sitting before them represent the decay and worthlessness of this country. So they are there tonight to heal them, and the power of Straightedge will bes een from now through eternity. Punk commands everyone to raise their hands and feel the power of Straightedge, like he's He-Man or something. This pledge absolves them of all weaknessess. I assume this is his way of saying "these random guys who came off the street are now suddenly strong enough to do run-ins and have matches". The three indy dudes recite the pledge. COME ON, PLEDGE, DRINK UP! Wait, differant pledge, sorry. Punk says he needs the indy guys to show their devotions through actions and not just words. And now is the time where we rape three dignities at once, as all three of them get shaved. After most of the hair is gone, out comes Rey Mysterio, just a little late. Reminds of that "It's too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy" gag from Family Guy. Rey says this whole mass induction ceremony is ridiculous, before saying the three guys in the ring look silly. Rey says everyone will really be laughing at Over The Limit when CM Punk looks like this - and shows a pic of a bald Punk on the screen. An impressive arguement to be sure. COMMERCIALS

 

 

Commercial thoughts -

 

 

During the Commercial Break, Punk got on the mic and told us that Rey thinks he's cute, he knows he's sexy, he's got the looks that drive the girls wild - but this is what will happen to Rey Mysterio at Over The Limit. They then torture us by showing No Holds Barred. Nah, they just beat up the indy dudes. Naturally, we transition from this to LayCool making their No Mercy entrance. Oh would you look at that..they both have Women's titles. The ring announcer announces them as Co-Women's Champions.



Apparently Co-Women's Champions, LayCool vs. Kelly Kelly and GBFGM Tiffany (Going to take a stab in the dark and say Non-Title)

 

Layla starts out with Kelly. Kelly shoots Layla of the ropes, Layla counters into some weird Flash Pin. Layla with a wrist lock on Kelly, Kelly goes up top with her wrist still held, and the file parts miss a couple of seconds, so I don't know exactly what she did, but she came off the top to break it. Kelly with a kick, takes Layla into the corner, Layla with the floatover to apron. Kelly takes the legs out of Layla and she trips to the floor. Kelly goes across the apron, knocks McCool to the floor, then comes off the top with a Crossbody on McCool! Kelly chases Layla into a flying clothesline off the apron from GBFGM Tiffany! In the ring, Tiffany is tagged in, double team move as Kelly holds Layla in place for a Sunset Flip. This gets 1, but Tiffany continues the assault. Monkey Flip out of the corner on Layla. Layla catches her with a knee, tags in McCool, but Tiffany hurls McCool aside. Tiffany goes for a standing Monkey Flip - but McCool counters with the Faith Breaker.

 

Winners: LayCool

 

Rating: **3/4ths

 

 

Bit of a reminder that the diva matches are rated on a differant scale. This was actually really good for a divas match.

 

So naturally, we transition from them celebrating to a smiling Big Show. He says that Jack Swagger has been telling of his accolades. He says "Did you know, three weeks ago, I knocked Jack Swagger out?" It's true, I was there. But that's just one of his many accomplishments. So, ya, out comes JTG to face off against Lara Croft's little brother Caylen. We get a little picture-in-picture interview with the Dudebusters. They say they bust dudes up. The more you know.

 

 

Caylen Croft (w/Trent Baretta) vs. JTG

 

Lock-up, JTG with a Hammerlock, Caylen elbows out, whips him to the ropes, tries to slip to the mat only to get his nappy head stomped in. Croft goes for a clothesline, but JTG ducks it and gets in a Short-Arm Clothesline. JTG with an Inverted Neck Snap, for a nearfall. Caylen fights out of the corner, gets a Neckbreaker on JTG. Caylen with a facelock, JTG fights out, Caylen whips JTG to the ropes, goes for a Back Body Drop, but JTG catches him with the Goldust Uppercut, JTG ducks a clothesline, gets in a Flying Clothesline, follows up with a Dropkick, that takes Caylen to the corner. Mug Shot out of the corner, only for Baretta to try and distract J. It doesn't work, though, as JTG ducks a clothesline and nails the Shoutout, for the victoly.

 

Winner: JTG

 

Rating: **1/2

 

I'm starting to see JTG vs. Dudebusters a little too much for my tastes, but they are pretty good together.

 

 

Cut TO THE BACK~!, to see Vickie Guerrero texting on her cellphone. EXCITEMENT! DRAMA! ACTION! In comes Christian. Vickie says tonight is the return of The Peep Show on SD!, but Xian says it's not his show - it belongs to the Peeps. Vickie is curious as to who the first guest of the show is. Vickie says she wants it to be her, but Xian says he actually wants people to watch the show. Xian says the Peeps have sent in numerous requests and Vickie didn't even break the Top 100. Vickie says she's pretty popular, and Xian says he's had them send videos to prove their point. On the list - Bret Hart, The Mountie, The Brooklyn Brawler, Jared from Subway, and Lester the guy who loves chicken. Vickie asks who he is, and Xian says he doesn't know - but he loves chicken, and the world must know! Vickie asks who is No. 1. Xian says he can't tell her, but they've never seen eye-to-eye. COMMERCIALS, PROBABLY

 

 

Commercial thoughts -

 

 

Out comes Vance Archer, accompanied by...who the hell is this? Some guy with red jeans that makes him look like a lower carder from the Attitude Era. He looks familiar, but..oh hey, it's Curt Hawkins. Wondered when we'd be seeing him again. Meanwhile, Vance has grown his hair out to a Marty McFly kind of style. Speaking of which, in the ring are two indy dudes that need to make like a tree and get outta here!

 

 

Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins vs. Jeremy Barner and Brent Roberts

 

I think it's Brent in there with Curt Hawkins first. Hawkins slaps Roberts, whips him to the ropes, and hits a huge swinging bodyslam. Hawkins forcefully shoves Brent into the corner, tags in Vance, and we get a nice double team move, as Hawkins trips Brent while slipping to the outside, setting him up for a boot to the head from Archer. Archer with a move that looked similar to the Black Hole Slam, except at the end he just kind of throws him backwards. In comes Barner, only to get hurled backwards all the way to the opposite corner. Wow and damn. Hawkins tagged back in, Vance with his Inverted DDT, followed by a Top Rope Elbow Drop from Hawkins. And that will do it.

 

Winners: Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins

 

Ratings: **

 

It was basically just a string of cool moves, but for a sqaush I don't really see much of a problem with that. They were meant to look impressive and impactful, and they got that done, so it gets my approval.

 

Post-match, Archer gets on the mic and says to pay attention. Archer gives the mic to Hawkins. Hawkins says they have twenty two days left to make an impact. And they will do it, whether you like ir ot not. Cue HBK/Diesel high five. Man, Hawkins's voice sounds just like the voice I hear in my head whenever I read one of Malcum X's articles.

 

 

I wanted to put "Speaking of worked shoots" here, and then transition into something humorously fitting, but WWE went from this segment to Big Show bragging about putting Swagger through the Announce Table two weeks ago, and that doesn't work at all! Curse you WWE, for not giving me sufficient ammunition! CURSE YOU! Anyway, Swagger vs. Kingston up next. COMMERCIALS!

 

 

Commercial thoughts-

 

When we come back, out comes Swagger for a Pre-Match promo. He puts on his best sadface as he says Big Show disrespected him last week. He also disrespected Oklahoma, and his Daddy Blastoise. Most importantly, he disrespected the World Heavyweight Championship itself. Nice to see where his priorities lie. Title first, family second. Swagger says this Sunday, he shall disrespect Big Show, and the ring announcer will say the winner..and STIIILLL..World Heavyweight Champion, The All-American American American American American American American American American American www.ewcf.co.nr is a great forum that you should register at, especially you Halo American American American American American, Jack Swagger. While Kingston makes his entrance, we see a replay of the McIntyre/Kingston IC Title angle last week, before getting the announcement that Kingston/McIntyre will be facing off for the IC Title at Over The Limit.

 

 

World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston (Non-Title)

 

Tie-up, Swagger takes Kingston to the corner, but Kingston fights out and Dropkicks Swagger to the outside. Swagger tries to dash back into the ring, only to get caught with a Baseball Slide. Swagger runs back in, and starts beating on Kingston, Kingston tries for an Irish Whip to the corner, Swagger counts, Kingston bounces off the corner with a Flying Forearm! Kingston with a clothesline that takes Swagger to the outside. Kofi BOOM BOOM BOOMs, as we go to COMMERCIALS!

 

 

Commercial thoughts -

 

 

When we come back, Kingston has Swagger in an Arm Bar. Swagger fights out, whips Kingston to the ropes, Kingston holds on, Swagger goes for a clothesline but Kingston pulls the ropes down, causing Swaggie to fall to the floor. Kingston goes for a Crossbody to the outside, but Swagger catches him out of the air, puts him in Fireman's Carry position - then hurls Kingston into the ringpost! Swagger throws Kingston into the ring, covers for two. Jack with shots to the back in the corner. Swagger with the clean break, Kingston fights to his feet, only to get whipped into the corner for a Corner Clothesline. VADAH SPLASH - Kingston moves out of the way, Swagger lands on his feet, rushes Kingston but catches an elbow out of the corner. Kingston off the top, only to catch a Big Boot out of the air! This gets two. Swagger with a waistlock, starts working the ribs. Swagger whips Kingston to the ropes, Kingston counters with a Sunset Flip for two. Swaggie with his usual beautiful ass Belly To Belly. Swaggie takes Kingston to the corner for a number of Shoulder Thrusts. Swaggie takes Kingston to an adjacent corner for some reason, pulling him to the top rope. They trade shots, Kingston gets the advantage - nails the Tornado DDT!

 

Kingston takes it to Swagger with chops and a dropkick, following up with the Elevated Corner Punches. Swagger out of the corner - and Kingston plants him with the SOS! Kofi tries for a Running Kick to the seated Swagger, but Swagger makes his way under the foot, Kofi dodges a clothesline, goes for the Trouble In Paradise - Swagger ducks it, goes for a Back Suplex but Kingston slips out the back and nails the Rolling Russian Leg Sweep! Kingston goes for the Boom Drop, but Swagger shoots to his feet and clotheslines him from behind. Swagger with a Running Big Boot to the head of Kingston, covers for two - as out comes Big Show with a mic? Show says he has one more thing to tell Swagger, that is very important - as Kofi slips to the apron. Swagger is distracted for a moment, turns around - into a Springboard Crossbody from Kingston! Kingston with the flash victory!

 

Winner: Kofi Kingston

 

Rating: ***

 

Very nice match, the ending saved face for Swagger and presuming he retains this Sunday, both of the men involved will come out looking good.

 

 

Post-match, Big Show points to the titantron, which shows one of the WWE Did You Know facts - this one being "Kofi just beat you". Most legitimate fact they have presented in this way, without a doubt. We are reminded of Show/McIntyre tonight, and a match pitting Rey Mysterio and MVP vs. the SES is also announced. And up next - the Peep Show. All this, right after COMMERCIALS!

 

 

Commercial thoughts -

 

 

Out comes Xian for the Peep Show, as the commentators talk of him being in him being in his home country, and I suddenly worry for his safety. He takes up a mic and welcomes us to the Peep Show. I am liking the logo. Xian says this is the first show back on SD!, and like he said, he and his guest have never seen eye-to-eye. ...that..is starting to give me a sickening feeling in my stomach, as I start to be reminded of a certain trollface.jpg that was drafted to SD!..FACK, I was right. I seriously predicted that, and I hate that I was able to. Okay..I'm not recapping this. The Burgetimate Warriah could skip this when I wanted to, I'm doing the same. Just assume he yells answers to interview questions, until being interupted by Vickie and Chavo. Vickie decides that she's shutting this show down. Well, when the pilot is this bad, what choice do they have? Vickie says that he was teaching him about the most useless country the world, Canada. Yeah, glad I didn't recap that. Xian says there's another word he wanted to teach him - obesity. And another word - moose. Horny calls Vickie a moose a number of times. God..Vickie says that if Xian won't leave the ring, Chavo will force him out. What is this I don't even. Meanwhile, Horny hides in a box. What is this I don't even. Ziggler suddenly attacks Xian from behind, and nails the Zig Zag. What is this I don't even. Chavo goes up top, as Xian is spread eagle - Chavo with the Frog Splash on Christian. Ziggler then does his usual hairsweat flick, this time doing it in apparent slow motion. What is this I don't even. COMMERCIALS

 

 

Commercial thoughts -

 

 

Out comes Rey-Rey and MVP to face SES.

 

Rey Mysterio and MVP vs. CM Punk and Luke Gallows (w/Serena)

 

Former convict vs. former retard here, as MVP starts out with Gallows. MVP with a headlock, Gallows breaks it off the ropes then takes him down with a Shoulderblock, before pledging again. Gallows whips MVP to the ropes, P ducks a clothesline, takes him down with one of his own. P tags in Rey, then lifts him up and slams him onto Gallows for two. Rey-Rey with a D-Lo Brownesque low legdrop for one. Rey puls Gallows up, Gallows goes for an Irish Whip,  tries for a Back Body Drop but Rey counters with a kick and tags in MVP. Totally babyface doubleteaming follows, as Rey sets Gallows up for a Big Boot from MVP that earns a nearfall.  'P tries to whip Gallows to the corner, gets reversed, elbows Gallows out of the corner. P goes up next, only to be distracted by Serena, allowing Gallows to trip MVP to the mat. COMMERCIALS!

 

 

Commercial thoughts - American American American American American American American American www.ewcf.co.nr is a great forum that you should register at, especially you Halo American American American American American American American American

 

 

When we come back, Punk has MVP in something of a half Indian Deathlock. Punk with a cover, gets two. Gallows is tagged in, they double team MVP in the heel corner. MVP fights up off the break, lunges towards Rey, Gallows catches MVP onto his shoulder. Gallows allows MVP to get within an inch of tagging Mysterio, but fate, she is cruel, and Gallows rams MVP back into the SES corner. Punk tagged in - goes for the Pepsi One, but MVP shoves him to the mat. MVP tries to get to his corner, but Punk pulls him into a leglock, while Gallows is tagged in, beating up on P. Gallows with a bodyslam, followed up by a splash, for a nearfall. Gallows tags Punk in, Punk with a Spinning Kick to the head of MVP! This gets a nearfall. Gallows back in, they double team MVP for a bit, until Gallows locks him into a waistlock. MVP fights out, hits a Knee Facebuster, tags in Mysterio who comes in with a West Coast Pop, followed up by a Springboard Crossbody for two! Rey attacks Punk, then Springboards into the Wheelbarrow Bulldog for a nearfall! Gallows shoots Rey off the ropes, goes for a Powerslam, Rey slips out the back, hits a Chopblock that takes Gallows to the middle rope somehow, Rey sets up for the 619 - only to get clipped by a Springboard Clothesline from Punk, after a blind tag! Nice. This gets a very close nearfall. Punk pulls Mysterio into GTS position - Mysterio counters with a roll-up, but Gallows breaks it up. P intercepts Gallows, and hits a Cactus Clothesline! Rey with a low dropkick that takes Punk into 619 position, runs to the opposite side only to find the SVR09 masked man! Rey sends a few shots to him, before ramming him into the steel pole! Rey seems to try and follow to the outside, only to be clipped by Punk. Punk shoots Rey off the ropes, seems to go for a Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker, only for Rey to counter with a Hurricarana! Bridges - and that's it!

 

Winners: Rey Mysterio and MVP

 

Ratings: ***

 

Sweet match, developed well and ended excitedly.

 

TO THE BACK~!, with Josh Matthews, interviewing Drew McIntyre. Matthews mentions McIntyre being reinstated last week, and asks if he feels he's deserving of the IC Title. Drew says Matt Hardy deserved what he got, Teddy Long deserved what he got last week, and he truly deserves to be the Chosen One. The Big Mac is confronted by Kofi Kingston. Kingston tells him the IC Title is his - he's earned it, deserves it, and wants it back. Kingston says the boss won't get him out of Trouble In Paradise. Drew tells Kofi to listen, but Kofi interupts with the BOOM BOOM BOOM. I like how he's all super-serious one second, and then completely retarded the next. COMMERCIALS!

 

 

Commercial thoughts - F

 

 

In comes the Big Show, as the Swagger/Kofi shenanigans replay. In the ring, he's doing some Eugene Clapping. It seems like everyone's doing that nowadays, doesn't it? This may be a good time for a resurgance, Dinsmore!

 


The Big Show vs. Intercontinental Champion, Drew McIntyre (Non-Title, if you were wondering)

 

We are now at the 10:35 mark of the last file of the show, and it ends at 16:09, so you'll understand if I'm not exactly expecting a classic here..Show shoves McIntyre into the corner, and beats him into it, getting a huge chop onto the chest. McIntyre tries to retreat, Show follows him up the ramp, throws him into the ring. McIntyre attacks, but Show stops that cold with a headbutt. Bodyslam follows. Totally babyfacesque choking on the ropes from Show. Show with the "Shhh" chop on McIntyre, in the ropes. This is repeated, in a corner this time. Meanwhile, Grisham tells us that Show's hands are the size of a can of Coke. Just when you think the Kitchen Appliance comparisons are over, now come the vending good comparisons! No wonder the guy's got anger issues..the fans chant for one more chop - Show tries to comply with a third corner chop, only for Drew to catch him with a poke to the eyes! This gains some good heat for Drew as he attacks Show - hits the ropes, and gets run down with a clothesline! Headbutt to McIntyre, takes him to the outside. Show pulls McIntyre up to the apron by the hair - McIntyre hotshots Show onto the top rope! Show staggers, and McIntyre hooks the arms, trying to get the Future Shock DDT - but Show with a chop to the chest that drops him. Show with a Reverse Avalanche in the corner, then does the beastly hand raising. Chokeslam nailed - in comes Swagger with a Big Boot, causing the DQ!

 

Winner: Big Show

 

Rating: **

 

Not really much of a back-and-forth match, but atleast McIntyre looked better here than he did against The Undertaker just before WrestleMania. The DQ didn't really lower the score as much this time, since all the run-in really stopped was the last three count.

 

Show's down - VADAH SPLASH! Second VADAH SPLASH! Swaggie then starts stomping his punching hand. Swagger retrieves a chair, runs at Show with it - Show punches it away! Show picks the chair back up, and Swagger runs to the outside. Swagger backs up the ramp, as Show begins roaring. And that signals the end of this broadcast.

 

Hmm. Seemed like I didn't swear as much in this recap..hold on a second; fuck shit bastard bitch meacrob fuck fuck fuck Bob Saget. Ahh, there we go. Gotta meet the quota, y'know. Wouldn't want people to think these recaps are respectable, now would we?

 

 

The Good: Gotta be Swagger/Kingston. Plenty of pros to it, and presuming Swagger ends up retaining, not a con in sight.

 

The Bad: OH GOD, HORNY'S HERE AGAIN, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

 

The Ugly: Sean Carless, we comin' fo YOU, nigga!

 

 

Jordan Huie is an incredibly sweet and innocent 16 year old, that's American by birth, and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF GAWD! Some people call him Zeel1. Some people call him TheYTViewer. Some people call him Y2Z. Some people call him Z-Truth. Some people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His typical attire is a combo of T-Shirts with Affliction-esque designs, leather jackets, sunglasses, and Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys wearing, even with the knowledge that it makes him look like Jimmy Hart's rebellious grandson. His first contact with any other living being was of a horse with a busted leg, who's owner shot himself, because he couldn't bare the weight of shooting said horse. Jordan, naturally, named the horse "Lucky", and Lucky walked through many mountains and valleys, despite his searing pains, to bring Jordan to his parents. His parents, in return, immediately shot Lucky, to show their appreciation. It is believed that this experience is what makes him the teenager he is today.

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO JORDAN HUIE

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).