Hello, yet again, relatively loyal readers. "Great" Scott, the world's most apathetic recapper, is back again to explain how Randy Orton and Michael Cole are chipping away at my sanity minute by minute.
I'm still working on my "Ten Things the WWE Can Do To Not Suck As Much" column, so you'll have to wait on that…I know, you're on the edge of your collective seats.
It's awesome that Evan Bourne and Kelly Kelly find their way into WWE intro thing at the beginning. I've noticed that for a while now, but I've been too lazy to type it.
Tonight's main event is going to blow…let's leave it at that.
The show opens with…
Christian vs. Sheamus (Loser Gets His Last Name Back…or Not)
I love how EVERY DAMN SHOW starts with the exact same exchange; Booker T and Josh Matthews talk and Michael Cole interupts…BECAUSE HE'S A HEEEEEEL!
Lockup ends up in the corner, where Sheamus whiffs on a punch. That doesn't deter Sheamus, who hammers on Christian for a bit, until Christian slides under Sheamus and lands a big gright hand. Sheamus tries for a clothesline, but Christian drop toeholds him into the ropes and dives outside to fire off another punch. Sheamus, however, catches Christian coming back onto the apron and flings him back into the ring.
In the ring, Sheamus kicks a seated Christian and then punches him in the stomach. He follows up with a back elbow, some taunts, and a choke on the ropes. Sheamus charges and Christian pulls the top rope down. Christian charges as Sheamus gets back in the ring, but Sheamus sends a shoulder into Christian's midsection. Sheamus tries to follow with a suplex, but Christian blocks it and ends up sliding outside to trip up Sheamus.
Outside the ring, Christian takes a second to recover, and then he rolls Sheamus back in. Christian climbs the turnbuckles, but Sheamus meets him with a pair of punches before shoving him (painfully, I might add) to the floor. Ouch. Commercial time!
Don't buy Brink…give your brain a workout and get Portal 2 and L.A. Noire. They're both thinking man's games!
Tough Enough hasn't been cancelled yet? Huh.
Back to the show…Sheamus is handing Christian his ass. Sheamus wraps Christian in the ropes and lands a pair of clubbing blows to Christian's chest. After a failed pin attempt, Sheamus elbows a prone Christian in the head and then applies a rear chinlock with a knee in Christian's back. Christian fights to his feet with a series of punches and then hits an inverted DDT after escaping from a powerslam. Sheamus tries to get back into with a charge in the corner, but Christian moves and pops Sheamus with his upsidedown corner kick. He follows up with a flying cross body, but doesn't get the three count. Sheamus rises and hits a punch and a knee lift, but whiffs on a short arm clothesline, which allows Christian to lands his mule kick/sunset flip combo. Sheamus kicks out and levels Christian. Sheamus hoists Christian for the Albino's Edge, but Christian flips him over and then goes to the second turnbuckle to hit his leaping forearm. Christian tries for the Killswitch, but Sheamus escapes and hits the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus goes for the pin, but Christian kicks out.
Sheamus puts Christian on the top turnbuckle, only to have him punch his way out and hit a tornado DDT. Christian rolls over for the pin, but only gets a two count. Sheamus rolls to the apron and punches Christian, which he follows with another knee lift and his over the top rope shoulder block. Sheamus manages another two count and then lifts Christian for the Albino's Edge again, and Christian escapes again. He rolls up Sheamus in a small package and gets the three count.
That match was a perfectly acceptable match…a really good, by-the-book affair. These days, that deserves a pretty strong rating, considering what I think the rest of the show will offer.
After the match, Sheamus screams while Mark Henry fast-waddles to the ring to do harm to Christian. Sheamus joins in on the beating before Randy Orton comes out to make SmackDown's two "monster" heels look like idiots. He helps Christian up because you're not allowed to succeed in the WWE without the help of Orton, HHH, Undertaker, or Cena.
After the commercials, we get a setup for the Cena/Miz match at Over the Limit, which I'm thinking is going to get about 37 buys.
A few minutes later, they run down the entire OTL card…Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler and Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella?!? Let me recalculate…26 buys.
After that, we head to the back to listen to the Bellas talk…you can imagine how interesting that is.
After another commercial break, we return for…
Brie Bella (with the other Bella) vs. Natalya
Nattie looks like she might've had a little work done on her face…it looks a little more narrow.
Brie escapes a Nattie slam early, and then Brie calls her a loser. Then the two women actually throw together a nice chain until Nattie tries for the Sharpshooter. Brie escapes and uses trickery to get the upper hand. She stays in control until Nattie drops her to escape a rear armbar. Nattie hauls of a slaps Brie and then levels her with a clothesline. She follows with a spinning clothesline and then hauls Brie up for a delayed suplex. Nattie follows with a snapmare and a seated dropkick. Brie escapes her beating by wrapping herself in the ropes. Nattie tries to pull her free, but the ref intervenes. This distraction allows Brie to kick Nattie's knee and hit the X-Factor for the win.
Winner: Brie Bella
Nattie's performance gets a 3.5, while Brie's gets a 1.5…hence the rating. I'm amazed that they're having Nattie lose to one of the Bellas, but at least Nattie's on TV after a long drought.
More commercials, and then we head back to the ring to listen to Ezekiel Jackson talk. Your Honor, Exhibit A in my case for bringing managers back. This guy should NEVER be allowed to open his mouth.
After a few minutes of marble mouth speaking, Jackson screams and The Corre comes out. Teddy Long comes out to stop the three-on-one beatdown by making a six-man tag match…
The Corre vs. Ezekiel Jackson, Big Show, and Kane
Really? At least this match would've given the Usos something to do. Ugh. The Corre's chance of winning this equals the amount of hairs on their opponents' heads.
Best part of this match? Heath Slater has new tights!
Let me summarize this match:
The face team destroys The Corre.
The face team destroys The Corre some more.
The Corre uses trickery to actually work over Kane for a minute or so.
Ezekiel Jackson destroys everything in site and then wins the match with the torture rack.
Winners: Big Show, Kane, and Ezekiel Jackson
That match was given waaaaaaay too much time to be not all that good.
After the match, Matt Striker interviews Christian. Christian is mad about the amount of time it took Randy Orton to come save him. Really? Can we make Christian look like more of a sissy?
Chavo Guerrero vs. Daniel Bryan (Chavo Has to Win in Five Minutes or Less)
So help me if Chavo wins this match.
Chavo wheels off a quick takedown to start. After that, the two men tie up, which ends with Chavo missing a punch. Chavo goes for a takedown, but Bryan dodges and applies a hammerlock. Bryan hits a dropkick and a drop toe hold that allows him to reapply the hammerlock. Chavo boots Bryan on a corner charge and takes over. After a few moves, Chavo applies a rear chinlock that he turns into a camel clutch. Bryan escapes and the two men exchange pin attempts until Chavo hits a cross chop. Bryan fights back with a pair of forearms, but Chavo hits a knee lift. Bryan comes back from that with his flying front forearm and then proceeds to kick the crap out of Chavo. Bryan goes for a pin, but Chavo escapes and pulls Bryan into the turnbuckles. Chavo lifts Bryan for the Gory Bomb (I assume), but Bryan slips out and goes for the LaBell Lock. Chavo escapes to the ropes and then rolls outside. Bryan ends up diving outside and tackling Chavo into the security barricade. Bryan rolls Chavo back into the ring, but bombs on a top rope drop kick. Chavo goes for another pin, but only gets two. He quickly hits the Three Amigos and then leaps to the top turnbuckle to go for the frog splash. He hits it, but only gets a two count. He tries for another quick pin, but time is up.
Winner: Umm…Daniel Bryan, I guess
This match was good enough. The five-minute stipulation, however, was ridiculous considering how much Chavo blows.
After the match, Chavo tosses Daniel Bryan into the ring post, which brings out Sin Cara, who looks like a little kid wearing pajamas with his powder blue t-shirt on. He obviously gets the best of Chavo because, as I said, Chavo blows.
Ted DiBiase (with Cody Rhodes) vs. A Stupid Skit
What the hell is this? I still don't get the bag thing…if Cody is the ugly one, why should the AUDIENCE wear bags? Shouldn't he be handing out masks?
Cody Gives DiBiase a bag, and for some reason, he puts it on. The two men proceed to put on a skit mocking Corpus Christi. Ted does a hell of a Mexican accent. The crowd, however, doesn't appreciate it.
Ted DiBiase vs. Trent Baretta
Ted immediately backs Baretta to the corner and proceeds to beat on him. Baretta fights back, but DiBiase levels him with a clothesline. Baretta retreats to the apron and kicks DiBiase when he tries to follow. Baretta goes to the top and hits a crazy flipping kick that gets him a two count. Baretta clamps on a front face lock and hits an enziguiri when DiBiase tries to escape. Baretta tries to follow with a tornado DDT, but DiBiase turns it into a sweet sit-down powerbomb. One Dream Street later and DiBiase wins it.
Winner: Ted DiBiase
The crappy six-man tag match got like 10 minutes more than this match? This is yet another reason why the WWE is going down the toilet.
Pissed off at WWE's horrible booking and writing…that's what I am!
The Great Khali (without Nerdy Translator) vs. Jey Uso (with Jimmy Uso and Jobber's Entrance)
Hey, speak of the Usos, and the Usos appear!
Jey Uso starts with a stiff kick, but Khali fights back with a back elbow. Uso lands a dropkick that rocks Khali. Then, the guy who looks a little Borat comes out to yell at Khali again. He slaps Khali and then sends him back in the ring. One brain chop and a Punjabi Plunge later and Khali gets the win.
Winner: The Great Khali
After the match, Jimmy Uso gets a big brain chop, too. It's sorta' like Tomax and Xamot from G.I. Joe!
Next up is an interview with Randy Orton. He sounds drunk. What's new?
Hey, it's the Impact Wrestling commercial again! I'm not sick of it yet! Awesome.
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
As Orton slow walks out to the ring, I'm trying to muster up the energy to recap this match in its entirety.
I failed…the match is boring, Orton tries to go for the RKO, Henry rolls out of the ring and Sheamus comes out to help Henry lay a beating on Orton. Christian comes out on the ramp and gingerly stretches while watching Orton get beat down. Finally, he trots in and helps out Orton. Again, the "monster" heels look like tools. After Orton recovers, he gets mad at Christian…but then the heels attack again. Of course, Orton and Christian beat them AGAIN. Three beatings in one night for your roster's two best heels. Fantastic.
Winner: Randy Orton (by DQ)
Man, the top of the roster on SmackDown is terrible. Thank God that the middle and lower cards have guys like Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, and DiBiase. The main events on this show are going to suck for a while to come.
Soooo…let's get on to the awards.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The opener was really solid and there were a couple more good matches on the show.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: The show's two main event heels are made to look like fools, not once…not twice…but THRICE! Way to build them up as legitimate threats!
Well, that's another recap in the can. Have a "great" week, and come back next week when I help the WWE become a better place!!