LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
By Jordan Huie
It appears my quest to dominate the wrestling week is making progress. I was reading the NXT Recap the other day - don't know why, it's not big or clever - and it seems Malco'm not in the Middle, NXT's second recapper in three months - sweet gig, amarite - has noticed me and Andariel Halo's new feud. Allow me to document the hundreds upon hundreds of things he got wrong in these first three paragraphs alone.
1. First off, who the hell is Jordan Hule? Reading not your best subject, Malculm?
2. This feud didn't begin with me calling her out as the whore that she is. I asked her to put the direct link to the forum in her recap like I did, because the link from the main site doesn't work. She complies by putting the link from the main site in her recap, which doesn't work, therefore defeating the entire point. So I insinuated that she was an idiot in my recap after that, but wasn't going to get mad about it because, y'know, tits. She responds by telling me she's gunning for me, to which I calmly responded to by calling her a whore as many times I could without getting tired of it.
3. I did NOT call her a whore 1,123,255,999 times! I only called her a whore 15 times! ....I counted.
4. Cameron Burge is NOT Hulk Hogan. He's the Ultimate Warrior, at BEST..
5. "Great" Scott isn't nice. You remember how in my Extreme Rules recap, I mentioned how kittens were fed to iguanas if we didn't state the location of the shows? He's the one that does it!
Those poor iguanas..however, Mr. Malculm not deserving his Spot, you did get one thing right: That WAS an amazing article I wrote this week. And the same will go for this one! I'm Jordan Huie, and get ready for a lethal dosage of Z-Truth!
Redundant scriptname of the week: "Ring of Swagger". I fell into a burning Ring of Swagger..I went down down down, but the Swag went higher, and it burns burns burns..know what, I apologize for that. That kinda joke belongs to WrestleCrap - the Brett Farve of wrestling satire.
We start with a recap vid of the McIntyre situation. I just realized Hardy said "Come down here, we'll see untouchable you are" last week. The next "Son I am dissapoint"? Perhaps..perhaps. Still standing here in Buffalo, New York! /kitten saved, and we have Rey Mysterio taking on CM Punk in the Main Event. Me liek.
Speaking of slaves, here's Teddy Long! He's got the IC Title over his shoulder. Did he win it?! Oh no, he's just out to present it to the winner of the finals. He calls the wrestlers of this match "the principals". Bitch, this ain't boxing!
IC Title Tournament Finals: Kofi Kingston vs. Christian
Kingston tries for a side kick to the ribs of Xian, but Xian catches it and trips Kingston to the mat. Xian tries for a Chinlock, Kofi counters into one of his own. Kingston takes Xian to his feet, Xian bounces him off the ropes, gets a leapfrog, takes him down with a Shoulderblock, gets 1. Xian with a Wrist Lock, Kingston barrel rolls into a legsweep. Kingston with a chinlock, Xian tries to break it off the ropes, but Kingston holds on. Xian breaks it and catches him with an elbow. He starts with the Eugene claps, before trying for the Monkey Flip, but Kingston lands on his feet, tries for an Arm Drag, Xian tries to counter with one of his own, but Kingston counters that with a Monkey Flip that takes Xian to the outside! Kofi with a Plancha, but Xian gets out of the way, and Kingston crashes his nappy headed ass onto the floor! Xian with a Shoulderblock off the second rope onto Kingston, the power of which is so staggering that it forces us into COMMERCIALS~!
Commercial thoughts - Did you know that Oliver Cromwell was hung and decapitated two years after he died? No? Well, live with it.
When we come back, Xian is twisting Kingston's face in the ring. Kingston fights to his feet, Xian whips Kingston to the corner, Kingston catches Xian with an elbow, rushes into a Flapjack, for two! Kingston ducks a clothesline, into an elbow, for two. Xian gets Kingston into a Chinlock. Seems the claps come slower when a face executes the hold. Kingston fights out of it, despite the comparative lack of hold-breaking support. IT'S CAUSE HE'S BLACK, AIN'T IT?! Xian the ropes, gets tripped up, Xian kicks Kofi away, Kingston to the corner - STEALS THE SHURIKEN! Crossbody off the top, gets two! Kingston with a dropkick, Xian dodges Kingston in the corner, Kingston dodges a clothesline, gets a huge jumping one of his own! Kingston goes for the Boom Drop, but Xian counters with a Double Leg Trip, goes for the cover - Kingston counters into one of his own, this gets two! Xian hits the ropes, Kingston with a leapfrog, tries to jump over Xian - gets his ass planted with an Electric Chair Drop! This gets a close nearfall! Xian goes up to the second rope, leaps at Kingston - tripped out of the air for a Jack Knife Cover, Xian counters into a Sunset Flip, Kingston kicks out! Xian gets taken to the corner, Kingston rushes, Xian kicks him with both feet out of the air. Xian up top - goes for a Crossbody, Kingston ducks, springs off with a Crossbody of his own for two!
Kingston with a kick to the seated Xian, followed up by the retardedly named Boom Drop. Sideways Eugene Claps, Kingston goes for the Trouble In Paradise - countered into the Inverted DDT for a nearfall! Totally face-ish rope-rib grinding, followed up by the usual uppercut. In the ring, Xian goes for the Killswitch, but Kingston fights out and nails the SOS! Xian kicks out, and Striker suddenly demands that he start cheating. Might just be laying on the heel announcer shtick a little thick there, buddy. (I'm not your buddy, guy!) Kingston with the elevated corner punches, but Xian dodges the follow-up shot, and nails the Shuriken of his own! Xian follows up with a Rolling Elbow, then signals for the Killswitch! Goes for it, Kingston shoves him to the corner - Xian with a Sunset Flip, Kingston rolls out, they stand at the same time, and Kingston with the Trouble of Paradise!! That will do it, mofo!
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Shit, that match was ABAP.
As Kingston celebrates with his belt, out comes Drew McIntyre..dressed a little like Elvis. Long calls for security as Drew gets into the ring, and boy do they have slow reaction time. I hope no one has a heart attack on the premises, they'll be waiting for hours for someone to help. McIntyre hands Teddy a note...of DEATH! Long reads it for a few months, before throwing it down. Long then tells Kofi that he is sorry, before asking Kofi for the title back. That racist Teddy Long, keeping his own people down! Kingston isn't happy with this shit, but begrudgingly hands it over. Quitter. McIntyre thanks Long very much as he takes his belt back. He then takes his leave in his pimping suit, being sure to pose with the belt on the ramp and stage seperately. I got to hear his theme twice this segment, so I dig it.
Commercial thoughts - Are you depressed? Has life got you down? Hi, my name is Jordan Huie, and I offer you a once-in-a-lifetime oppurtunity - come to www.ewcf.co.nr, and we promise to salvage your miserable life. We can even get you that personality transplant you've always wanted!
When we come back, Striker is holding the letter that Long threw to the mat. He reads it for us. It reads as follows;
"Dear Pesky Plumbers,
The Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The Princess is now a permanent guest in one of our seven Koopa Hotels. I dare you to find her if you can.
Actually, it says that Mr. Long's actions last week were irresponsible and reprehensible. His abuse of power was appaling, and his lack of judgment is paramount. It puts over McIntyre, stating that he has been reinstated, and is still recognized as Intercontinental Champion. It also says that T-Lo is a bitch nigga. Atleast, I'm guessing it says that. Striker left that part out, but you'd have to assume. We see a short recap of Show assaulting Swagger for two weeks in a row. Cut TO THE BACK~!, to see staff members taking boxes out of the back of a truck, by order of Jack Swagger. Swagger puts over the boxes as God-like objects, and demands they use care and lift with both hands. He states that it's a very big night. Cut to the arena, to hear Shad's overly-hip theme. In the ring is a guy named Jesse Guyver..Striker says that his middle name is Mac. I assume this means that he will be defeating Shad with a pencil, a paperclip and a peice of string.
Shad Gaspard vs. Jesse Guyver
The fuck you think.
Winner: Shad Gaspard
Commercial thoughts -
When we come back, out come MVP and JTG here on WWE SD!, rated PG, sponsered by PoP, up against TDB, formerly shown the CW, being recapped on TWF, while EWCF remains awesome and ADIDAS! Too many initials? DILLIGAF?
MVP and JTG vs. The Dudebusters Baretta starts off against JTG. Lock-up, JTG takes Baretta to the corner, Barretta counters, tries to whip JTG to the opposite corner, JTG reverses, Baretta rebounds into a Back Body Drop. JTG with a move that's similar to the fameasser, but more homoerotic. P and G clothesline the Busters to the outside. Baretta re-enters the ring, goes for a clothesline on G, G counters with a punch. Goes for an Irish Whip, Baretta reverses, J with an elbow, only to get tripped up by Lara's little brother, Caylen. This leaves JTG in perfect position for a harsh Running Knee from Baretta, that earns a nearfall. Meanwhile, Grisham gives me this baffling quote; "I heard they (Dudebusters) got a Smart Car, wanting to help the environment, but their mom drove them there and it was a two-seater." ...what? Their mom drove them both, in a two-seater Smart Car? And they aren't brothers, in kayfabe or real life..is this..is this a riddle?! As I ponder Grisham's Philosoraptorish ways, Baretta tags out to Croft. They isolate JTG into the corner, making quick tags for a while. G fights out of a Chinlock slowly, ducks a clothesline and nails one of his own. Croft tags to Baretta - G kicks him away, then tags in P! P unloads on Baretta, nailing the Knee Facebuster, followed by the False Advertising Elbow Drop. Cover, Croft tries to break it up only for P to get out of the way, leaving him to elbow drop his partner. P takes Croft to the outside, while G hits a hotshot on Baretta - who rebounds into the 305, for the victoly!
Winners: MVP and JTG
Decent match, and I'm a fan of all four. On the short side, though.
Cut TO THE BACK~! to see the Straight Edge Society. CM Punk says that last week, for the first time he saw doubt in their eyes. He forgives them, because he knows Mysterio put that doubt there. He says he might has well blew smoke in their faces or shoved pills down their throats. He tells them he's trying to poison them. I'm gonna kill it! I'm going to kill my creation, ME! Punk never wants to see doubt in their faces. He doesn't want them coming out with him. Punk says it will be a long road to Rey's salvation - but what does not kill you makes you better than everybody. Naturally, we transition from this Cultesque stuff, to the staff members bringing boxes of trophies and such to the ring. COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts -
We cut back to see the trophies again in closer detail. There's a scrabble board randomly placed among them. I expect an explaination of this. DO NOT DISSAPOINT ME. Out comes Swagger, who takes up a mic. He says if he doesn't take this moment to do this, he'll never forgive himself, before taking off his jacket, and doing some Steiner push-ups. I think he could've forgiven that. Swagger says he's accomplished more in one day than most people do their entire lives. So he called up Daddy Blastoise, and he wrangled up every trophy, award and board game he could find to share with us. He repeats that he brought them to share with us - and the Big Show. He rants on his achievements, and we..take a commercial break? That was like, two minutes, damn..COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts - What, you think I can get new commercial thoughts that damned quick? I'm no machine!
When we come back, Swagger's rant continues. He says that just over 28 years ago, Daddy Blastoise celebrated his greatest acheivement - the birth of a picture perfect son. Swagger unveils a pic of himself as a little kid, in wrestling attire. Looks a lot more like a pic DX would use to mock him then something he would brag to, but whatever. "At age 5, I was better than all your children." Bad. Ass. Swagger goes through the virtues of being an Eagle Scout. Swagger says that he still upholds the Scout's Honor, holding up two fingers. He says he doesn't suck by the way, and proceeds to unveil another photo, this one showing him with his first State Wrestling championship. He says that Greatness was his neighbor and Success was his best friend. Honor was his uncle, and he and Virtue traded booty calls. Swagger says he was literally king of his high school, then puts on a crown. ALL HAIL..KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL...KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL..KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL...KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL..KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL...KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL..KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ALL HAIL...KIIIIIIIIIING SWAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! He brags about banging a cradlerobbing surgeon, that was his Prom date. No, really. He talks of his football prowess, and his time as a Sooner. I'd list it, but I'm from Alabama, so..trying to impress me with College Football stats is pretty much impossible. He says that there is so much more to the All-American American American American, (with that many this time) and mentions that he is a certified swim instructer and CPR Expert - and that as a lifegaurd, he saved 14 people. Jesus, this is getting ridiculous. I mean, this is really getting into Norris Fact territory here. He tells us of "The Swaggie" - a sandwich that the Peri Deli named after him, which according to him, tastes like freedom. He explains that he is the National Scrabble Champion, and is also a master chess player. He then slams a revolving door, wins a game in connect four in three moves, sets ants on fire with a magnifying glass at midnight, and orders and gets a Big Mac from Burger King.
So ya, out comes Big Show. Show tells Swaggie to relax. He tells him he's out because this is really impressive. Swagger asks him to be careful, as Show marvels over his Scrabble board. Show tells him he can't even spell Scrabble. It's spelt right there on the damned board, you dumb fuck! Swagger pleads with Show, and calls his fingers fat while doing so. THIS ISN'T HOW YOU BEG. Show drops the board to the mat and "accidentally" steps on it. Swagger tells him this is his lifes work, and to please leave. Show points to this one huge trophy, from Ballroom dancing. Show decides to start "dancing" with it, and ends up smashing it across the mat, breaking it in half. Pissed at his dancing prowess being besmirched, Swagger attacks Show only to get thrown to the outside. Show (very easily) breaks about a dozen more trophies. This is..this is a dick thing to do. Seriously, Swagger's done very little to Show in comparison, and here he is destroying all of his achievements. He also punts a football into the crowd. That's going on Ebay..he ends this by holding up the World Heavyweight Title, after destroying just about every damn thing in the ring. Yeah, that'll teach Swagger! That's what he gets for...being Champion while Show challenges him? Sounds about right..COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts -
When we come back, we learn that Rosa Mendez has a very terrible theme song. Out comes Beth Phoenix - who has an injured left knee, to face her, but Vickie decides to interupt. Vickie commands Rosa to leave the ring. She says that as GM of Raw and as official consultant of SD!, she announces that Michelle McCool is invoking her rematch clause tonight..in a handicap match.
Handicap Match for the Women's Championship: LayCool vs. Beth Phoenix (c)
McCool immediately goes for the left knee, but Phoenix hits clotheslines on both, only to get taken with a chopblock. Phoenix fights back multiple times, only to be clipped at the injured knee. They double team Phoenix into the corner, which includes a headscissors from McCool. Phoenix gets both of LayCool into a Fireman's Carry - Samoan Drop onto both! But the knee keeps her from covering right away. Phoenix pins Layla, McCool breaks it up, then continues to target the knee. McCool goes for a whip to the corner, Phoenix reverses, McCool tries to bounce off the corner, Phoenix and McCool collide. McCool falls to the outside, and Layla swoops in for the winning pinfall..
-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, if you're wondering why Layla won, it likely has something to do with the fact that this is Phoenix's hometown. Been a while since we've seen that curse, hasn't it? COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts -
Out comes Kane to face off against Chavo Guerrero. WM 24 REMATCH, FTW!
Chavo Guerrero vs. Kane
Speaking of WM 24, Kane immediately goes for a Chokeslam, but Chavo escapes, and tries to strike back. Goes for an Irish Whip, but Kane holds onto the ropes and throws him to the outside. Chavo with a hotshot, goes up top but Kane with an uppercut that takes him to the floor. Kane takes Chavo into the ring, takes a Dropkick between the ropes. Kane with a shot that takes Chavo to the corner, Chavo counters a rush with a kick, goes up top - flies into a Chokeslam, for the win. Could've been worse.
Commercial thoughts - E Replay of the IC Title Shane Hannigans earlier tonight. Cut to the back to see Teddy Long bump into McIntyre. Long says he really is the Chosen One, asking him if he can get anything he wants. He decides he's had a change of heart - and will give him something instead of taking anything away. McIntyre asks what he could possibly give to him. Teddy Long says he's giving him the biggest match of his career, because next week he goes one-on-one with the Big Show. That's his biggest match...? But..but he wrestled the Undertaker! Teddy, what's happened to you?! You've..you've turned your back on the UNDATAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?! I..I don't even know you anymore..
Backstage, Mysterio..WALKS! You can't preach something you're not!!
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk (w/Luke Gallows and Serena)
Mysterio and Punk circle, Punk goes for a clothesline, Rey ducks but catches a spin kick. Punk takes it to Rey, Rey goes for an Irish Whip, Punk reverses it, Rey slips between Punk's legs, Punk catches him with a stomp. Punk whips Rey to the ropes, but Rey catches him with a boot, then Rana's Punk to the floor! Mysterio with a West Coast Pop off the apron, but Punk ducks it, then knocks him into the barricade! COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts - www.ewcf.co.nr! It's got everything you want! Violence! Drama! Eye Candy! Names! Faces! Drinks! Clothes! Height! Weight! Sam Jackson! EVERYTHING!
When we come back, Punk has Mysterio locked into the ever-so-dreaded Arm Stretch of Extreme Discomfort!!! Rey with a few upward kicks to get out of it, takes Punk to the corner, Punk reverses a whip to the opposite corner, Mysterio with a Drop Toe Hold to the second turnbuckle! Mysterio goes for a Moonsault, but Punk clips him by the leg, putting him into the Tree of Woe! Low Dropkick, takes him to the mat. Cover, gets two. Punk with the Abdominal Stretch. Rey's adominals are stretched for about twenty seconds, before Punk breaks it himself with a few elbows. Punk whips Rey to the ropes, but Rey counters with a Drop Toe Hold to the second rope! Rey-Rey goes for the 619, but Punk slips out and hurls Mysterio to the floor! Not with his signature lawn dart selling, mind you, but all the same! Punk follows, and throws Rey into the ring. Punk with a Springboard Clotheslines, flips Rey's bitchass, for two. Punk with a Wrist Lock on Rey on the mat. Rey with upward kicks to get out of it, Punk whips Rey to the ropes, Rey ducks a clothesline, and nails the Wheelbarrow Bulldog! Out-of-date-finish-count starts, only gets to three. Punk rushes Rey in the corner, Rey gets the boots up, goes up top for a West Coast Pop! Rey hits the ropes - and runs right into a Double Leg Lariat, for two! Punk with the catapault, but Mysterio lands clean in the corner, and Victory Rolls Punk to the second rope! But out comes Luke Gallows, who takes a kick from Mysterio! From behind, Punk catches Mysterio with a roll-up, but Rey kicks out, catches Punk with a snap kick that takes him back to the second rope! 619 connects, followed up by a Splash! But in comes someone in a hood, and Rey breaks up the pin to confront them! Rey starts to threaten them, but the mystery person reveals themself as..Serena? From behind, a second hooded figure attacks Rey-Rey, for the DQ!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Good match, but points off for DQ. Pretty much just by policy..real mystery man hits the CAW Neckbreaker on Mysterio. Gallows follows up with the 12th Step. And Gallows and the mystery man lift Mysterio into the air, and onto the shoulders of Punk - Go To Sleep! Punk then positions Rey and forces his hand up into the air, pretty much pupputing him into pledging to the Straight Edge Society. You know, that whole double reveal reminded me of that SVR09 story where Kennedy and Orton pretended to be one mystery man, just to screw with Jericho for reasons I still can't figure out. How sad is it that they are stealing from their own games?! For shame! And it is on that note, that I wrap up this AMAZING recap! Good night everybitch, see you ungrateful bastards next week!
The Good: Couldn't decide between the McIntyre angle at the start or Xian/Kingston, so I guess I'll just give this to the IC Title situation as a whole. Just really great stuff, and I love it for the IC Title's sake.
The Bad: Main Event DQ's = No soup for you.
The Ugly: Malculm X, we comin' fo you, nigga!
Jordan Huie is an incredibly sweet and innocent 16 year old, that's American by birth, and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF GAWD! Some people call him Zeel1. Some people call him TheYTViewer. Some people call him Y2Z. Some people call him Z-Truth. Some people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His typical attire is a combo of T-Shirts with Affliction-esque designs, leather jackets, sunglasses, and Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys wearing, even with the knowledge that it makes him look like Jimmy Hart's rebellious grandson. His first contact with any other living being was of a horse with a busted leg, who's owner shot himself, because he couldn't bare the weight of shooting said horse. Jordan, naturally, named the horse "Lucky", and Lucky walked through many mountains and valleys, despite his searing pains, to bring Jordan to his parents. His parents, in return, immediately shot Lucky, to show their appreciation. It is believed that this experience is what makes him the teenager he is today.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).