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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

May 13, 2011


Hello again, everyone. "Great" Scott is back, albeit reluctantly, to recap another episode of Randy Orton's show.

Before the opening sequence, they decide to rub Christian's loss in everyone's face. I'm thinking this is going to be a looooong two hours.

After that, Christian makes his way to the ring. Because he's not Randy Orton, he has to get on the mic and make it seem like it was a good idea for Teddy Long to make the match last week. Christian seems ultimately positive considering the circumstances…which makes him look like a huge tool. It's tough to watch Christian have to work his ass off while Orton gets to make a few lobotomy faces, hit one lousy move, and get a belt.

Now, I'm going to pause the DVR and make a point. I realize this is most likely a storyline where Christian will become a heel and maybe go on to bigger and better things, but this is really the wrong way to go about it. Christian is a super-popular face. Instead of turning him heel, how about developing one of the 50 mid-carders (Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, Tyson Kidd, Evan Bourne) into a legit main event heel. It would be 100 times more interesting than putting the strap on Orton AGAIN. Besides, heel/face turns are getting ridiculous. Mark Henry turned heel for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Heel turns used to be absolutely amazing…how many fans didn't mark out when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Jannetty through the Barber Shop window? When Andre turned on Hogan? When the MegaPowers EXPLODED? Now, guys change sides pretty much weekly. It's getting sorta' dull.

Anyway, after a few minutes, Sheamus makes his way out…simply because he's one of two guys WWE seems willing to push. He mocks Christian for losing so quickly and then challenges him to a match. Before Christian can answer, Mark Henry's music cues up and he waddles to the ring. After a few minutes of pointless banter, the heels (at least for two or three more days) gang up on Christian. Randy Orton comes out to make Christian, Sheamus, and Mark Henry look even weaker. You know, even Hulk Hogan got beaten up once in a while.

I know if a guy crushed my 17-year-old dream, he'd be the first guy I'd accept help from.

After the commercials, Teddy Long makes a tag match main event starring the four knuckleheads from the first segment.

Sin Cara vs. Daniel Bryan (with Shitty Ring Announcer Chavo Guerrero)

I'm assuming this is the WWE throwing the "Internet smarks" a bone for screwing over Christian. Knowing Vince and company, they'll probably drop some scaffolding and kill both of these guys. Because real fans don't like talented wres…entertainers.

I already hate Chavo on the mic and the match hasn't started yet.

The match starts with a nice chain wrestling sequence. Daniel Bryan takes Sin Cara down and another chain wrestling sequence ensues. Bryan eventually takes control with a drop toehold and an armlock. Sin Cara kicks his way out and goes to the top to flip out of the hold. He follows that up with a back elbow that sends Bryan to the floor. Sin Cara leaps onto Bryan and we go to commercial.

We return to see Sin Cara hitting shoulderblocks to Bryan's midsection in the corner. Bryan prevents a charge in the opposite corner, tosses Sin Cara off the top, and then hits a forward missile dropkick. Bryan follows up with a series of quick kicks in the corner and a strong dropkick in the opposite corner. Bryan stays on the offensive with a surfboard stretch (that Chavo can't even name) that he turns into a pin. Bryan locks on another hold and then proceeds to kick the shit out of Sin Cara. Bryan applies a hammerlock, but Sin Cara escapes with a leaping snapmare. He tries for another roll-forward pin, but doesn't get the win. Bryan tries to regain control, but Sin Cara flips him with a head scissors and then lands a pair of chops in the corner. After a quick exchange, Sin Cara lands on the apron and hits his flipping kick, which he follows with a leaping cross body. Sin Cara tries for another leaping elbow, but Bryan catches him in the LaBell lock…sorta'. Sin Cara escapes and sends Bryan to the floor, but Bryan ends up kicking Sin Cara and rolling him back in. Bryan heads to the top…and here comes Chavo to ruin things. Chavo's distraction gives Sin Cara enough time to pop Bryan with a kick to the dome. After a very long setup time, Sin Cara hits Paul Burchill's Finisher on Steroids to get the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

Rating:

That match was good, but I think I expected more out of these two. Chavo getting involved took points away, too.

After the match, Sin Cara sees that he won because Chavo cheated. Ohboyohboyohboy…Chavo involved in a feud!! Let's see, he's gotten his ass kicked by a midget, he's been beaten up by Bob Barker, and he lost to Kane in under 20 seconds…what a TITANIC FEUD!!

After that, we go back in time to watch Ezekiel Jackson get ejected most violently from The Corre. Fun.

Randy Orton has a problem with Ed Harris? I guess Ed Harris can say goodbye to any belts he might have.

Well, Layla's in the ring looking smoking hot. She speaks awkwardly about a knee injury…ah, Christ…seriously? Michael Cole has to open his mouth again. He goes through his Acting Like a Heel 101 (Chapter 1: Insult the Crowd, Chapter 2: Make Goofy Faces, Chapter 3: Laugh at Your Own Jokes) shtick, which it literally seems like he's reading off of a card. After a few minutes of Michael Cole being a black hole of entertainment, Kharma's music cues up. Michael Cole seems to think Kharma's going to beat up Layla. Surprisingly, Kharma does just that, but then she turns to Michael Cole. So, let me get this perfectly straight…the WWE can't book Kaval, ECW, the tag team division, or cruiserweights properly, but Michael Cole can be involved in an angle on BOTH FUCKING SHOWS?!? I mean, really?!? Does Cole have pictures of Vince McMahon doing steroids while having sex with a poodle? I can't decide who on the show gets more exposure with less talent: Cole or Orton.

Seriously, the WWE's decision making is really making me care less and less about the product, since it's neither wrestling NOR entertainment.

After more commericals, The Corre comes out, led by Wade Barrett with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Wade Barrett vs. Kane

Ugh.

Wow, in the first 20 seconds of this match, we actually see a headlock, hiptoss, and headlock takedown. The Olympics have nothing on this technical wrestling clinic. After a bit, Kane hits his seated dropkick, but Barrett kicks at Kane's knee. Since Kane never sells, he ignores the move and goes to town on Barrett. See, now this is a match that SHOULD have a commercial break…since no one was really watching anyway.

When we return, Wade is actually in control, but that doesn't last for more than 20 seconds, as Kane reverses a suplex. He beats Barrett in the corner until Barrett trips him into the turnbuckle. Barrett works over Kane's arm and gets a .0004-second count on a pin attempt. Barrett tries to work Kane's arm some more, but Kane squirms around like a petulant child. This match is so boring. Barrett does a relatively impressive side slam and returns to work on Kane's arm. Kane escapes from a hammerlock with a Samoan drop and then completely forgets that Barrett was working over his arm. Things break down after that, as Kane decides to beat on Slater and Gabriel before destroying Barret. Kane tries for the chokeslam, but the Corre attacks and draws the DQ.

Winner: Kane (by DQ)

Rating:

That match was agonizing and mega-predictable.

After the match, The Corre beats on Kane for a bit before Ezekiel Jackson makes the save and nearly kills Gabriel and Slater while trying to toss them from the ring. Jackson beats on Barrett for a few seconds until Slater and Gabriel miraculously recover and take over on Jackson. It's funny how Kane is completely immobilized despite the fact that he never sells anything.

In the back, Sheamus and Henry are strategerizing! What a great tag team they would make…they could come down to the ring to Michael Jackson's Black or White.

The next segment is The Great Khali wearing a cowboy hat and kissing a disgusting fat woman. That other guy who's presumably from India as well comes out and smacks Khali twice and leaves the ring. Khali stands there looking pissed. This show is going to hell in a hand basket.

After that, Orton and Christian get all chummy in the back. Have I mentioned that this show sucks?

I didn't care about the anti-bullying campaign until Alyssa Milano's boobs made me care.

Ted DiBiase (with Jobber Entrance) vs. Cody Rhodes

What the hell? Is DiBiase a face now? It's awesome how the WWE can't figure out how to book the son of one of the top five heels in WWE history.

Man, Cody Rhodes is a slow talker. He makes Orton sound like the MicroMachine man. I'm sure most of you don't get that reference…sorry, I'm getting bored here.

DiBiase backs Rhodes to the corner quickly and hits a nice dropkick early. Rhodes reverses things and hits a dropkick of his own. After a pair of rollups, DiBiase ends up missing a corner charge and falling prey to a running knee and an elbow from Rhodes. Rhodes stays in control with a hammerlock and some punches in the corner until DiBiase drops Rhodes onto to the top turnbuckle. After some more back and forth, DiBiase tries to go for Dream Street, but Rhodes backs him into the corner. Rhodes regains control with his leaping kick and CrossRhodes to get the win.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Rating:

That match was better than average. Ted DiBiase deserves a little better than a jobber entrance and no storyline…but he can't get it because you have to give 15 minutes to Michael Cole and another 10 to The Great Khali kissing fat women.

In the back, we have a pointless Corre interview.

Christian and Randy Orton vs. Sheamus and Mark Henry

Golly gee, I wonder who's going to win this match.

You know, they should call Michael Cole's little room the Tool Box. That would be perfect…I just thought of that. I rule.

Wow, during this commercial break, TNA (now called Impact Wrestling) runs a commercial mocking the WWE's, "We're not wrestling, we're ENTERTAINMENT," stance. That takes some serious balls, Impact Wrestling. Well played. I might have to start watching Impact Wrestling.

Sheamus starts with Christian. Sheamus takes the early advantage with some clubbing blows and a side headlock. He follows up with a shoulderblock and some knee strikes. Christian turns the tables with a side headlock, some punches, and a leaping back elbow. That doesn't last long, as Sheamus puts Christian back down and tags out to Mark Henry. Henry doesn't really do much until he tries for a press slam. Christian escapes and tags to Orton. Orton, as always, lays out Henry with no trouble. Orton lifts Henry and does nothing until Henry flattens him with a headbutt. He follows that by slamming Orton into the corner and headbutting him again. Henry flings Orton to the outside and we go to our final commercial break.

Sick of this commercial…that's what I am.

When we return, Henry changes things up a bit by landing a headbutt. He tries for a splash, but Orton moves and tags to Christian. Christian hits three clotheslines, which he follows with a dropkick from the second rope. Christian tries for a tornado DDT, but that fails miserably and Sheamus tags in. Sheamus immediately applies a rest hold, from which Christian eventually escapes. Unfortunately, Christian runs right into a powerslam. Sheamus tags to Henry, and my eyelids are getting heavy. Henry stands on Christian and then distracts the ref while Sheamus gets a shot in. Henry tags to Sheamus, and he wraps Christian in the ropes and pounds on him. Christian elbows out, but Sheamus goes right back to work. Christian gets his feet up to stop a corner charge, but he leaps right into the arms of Sheamus while trying to go for a cross body. Christian, however, escapes, and hits his inverted DDT. Christian tags to Orton and you can guess how the rest of the match goes. At least Orton was gracious enough to let Christian do his move, too.

Winners: Randy Orton…and the other guy!

Rating:

Seriously, that match was so predictable and so slow…not unwatchable, but nothing out of the ordinary.

These shows truly get harder and harder to watch. I think I might have to do a little segment on what I would do to make WWE more watchable. I realize it's pretty much like pissing on a forest fire, but at least it'll get some of my anger out.

Anywho, let's get to the awards and get out of here!

The Really Great Thing of the Night: The opening match was really good, but the award goes to Impact Wrestling, who ran an ad mocking the WWE during their own show!

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Michael Cole now has an angle on both shows and Christian has to look like Randy Orton's Girl Friday. That's a super-old reference…and I'm too tired at this point to explain it.

That's it for tonight...I'm outta' here.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).