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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(05/07/10)
By Jordan Huie

The theme of today's recap is Grind by Alice In Chains http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erZpiRSE-tg
 
Oh hell naw! HELL NAW! Andariel Halo, you whore slut bitch, you wanna fuck with me, do you?! Listen whore, it's not my fault that you don't have the capacity to copy and paste the right fucking link! You don't wanna be starting any of this, whore! Do you REALLY wanna fuck with Jimmy Hart's grandson?! Do you KNOW how much damage can be done with a megaphone?! I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T! (Whore!) And who in the bluest of blue hells is this "Eli"? One of the hundreds upon thousands of men that are on top of you everyday?! WHORE! And where do you get off (wait, don't answer that..whore) putting my name next to "TNA WTF"?! Let me tell you this right now - I am not "W", I am not "T", I am not "F", and I most fucking certainly am NOT TNA! (Whore!) WHORE!
 
Now those reading may be asking themselves, "Jordan, why are you getting so worked up over one little throwaway line at the end of a recap?" And my answer, same as last week, is, well, y'know..tits. They make every word that much more emphatic. It's true, it really is.
 
This maybe-serious maybe-not arguement aside, (It's like a WCW 2000 shoot - you can't tell if it's real or fake, but you can most certainly tell that you don't give a fuck) welcome to the show that is the first post-2010 Draft SmackDown! EVER! (Aside from last week!) TONIGHT! Jack Swagger's FML reign continues, the Big Show's campaign towards the World Heavyweight Title rolls on, and funny third thing! 
 
Still standing here in...well, I don't know, they aren't telling me. Selfish pricks..tonight the main event is Jack Swagger vs..........wait for it..... wait for it......... KANE! Out comes Matt Hardy to start off the show. The announcers say that he isn't cleared, but he's..not really selling his injuries at all. He gets on the mic and says he's here, whether he should or shouldn't be, and this is why. Replay vid of Drew killshitting Matt by stomping his head into the steel steps. This replay continues to show Ziggler punch him in the head twice, and just to make sure we see it, they put a little circle over Matt's head before the hits land. I'm not even kidding. The vid ends with McIntyre Future Shock DDT'ing Matt onto the concrete. Matt says "You never want to see me again, Drew McIntyre? Well that's too bad, 'cause I could care less what you think." Mid-sentance, McIntyre's theme hits, but Matt does that thing where the wrestler seemingly doesn't hear it until he's finished talking. Matt tells Drew to make him go away. McIntyre says Hardy just doesn't get it. Is a parent? I hear they just don't understand. Drew says that nine months ago, Vince McMahon, the chairman of the WWE, and Matt's boss, looked him in the eye and told him he was the future of this company, which makes him the Cho-cho-cho-CHOSEN ONE. I am really surprised we have yet to see a Photoshop of McIntyre dressed like Jarrett 2000. He also says that he's untouchable. Matt challenges him to prove that. McIntyre decides that Matt isn't getting the message, and will just have to beat it into him. McIntyre enters the ring, and Matt attacks first, beating him onto the mat. REFEREE SQUAD TO THE RESCUE! The refs take Matt off of Drew, leaving him open to a shot from behind. Drew rains down shots onto Matt's head. Matt escapes to the outside, but Drew follows and continues attacking him. The officials restrain Drew over and over, until out comes T-Lo, E to the Izzo, to command Drew to get off of him. Drew does not comply - so Teddy Long suspends him, and strips him of the Intercontinental Title! Meanwhile, the officials strip Drew of his undershirt! Drew continues attacking Matt - AND OH NO, DREW IS NOW FIRED!!! The officials escort him up the ramp and TO THE BACK~! McIntyre screams and complains that he is untouchable and that McMahon will hear of this shit.
 
Welp, see you in six weeks, Drew!
 
COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - http://s8.zetaboards.com/ewcfhome/index/
REGISTER OR THE DOG GETS IT!
 

We're back, with Josh Matthews coming up to Teddy backstage. He asks the status of Matt Hardy, and Long says that he hopes so. Josh asks if he has anything to say of the behavior of McIntyre. Teddy says he doesn't know what to say, and that he's never experianced this kind of thing in his life. BULL. CRAP. Matthews asks what will become of the Intercontinental Title, and Teddy says he doesn't know. Wow, way to not have any of the answers, Teddy. Fucking flake.
 
Out comes MVP to the ring for a match with the still-Elephantitus-riddled Luke Gallows.
 

Luke Gallows (w/Serena and CM Punk) vs. MVP (w/o a fucking friend in the world, hahahaha)
 
They start off with punches back and forth, MVP goes for an Irish Whip to the corner, Gallows reverses, MVP with a floatover on Gallows, hits the ropes for a clothesline, for two. P with a number of boxing-like punches, whips Gallows to the corner, goes for the Playa's Boot, but Gallows dodges it and throws him to the floor! Gallows pulls MVP into the ring, gets a few knees in before nailing a Butterfly Suplex. How delightfully unfitting! This gets two. Gallows with a waistlock, 'P gets to his feet, fights back, but Gallows catches him with a kick. Gallows with an Avalanche into the corner, followed up by a big Splash, getting two. Mixing Regal's moveset with King Kong Bundy's? Interesting choice. Gallows goes for another Avalanche into the corner, but MVP dodges and nails a series of clotheslines, before hitting the Knee Facebuster! And now the False Advertising Elbowdrop on Gallows! 'P goes for the Playmaker, Serena distracts him - Gallows counters with a Short-arm clothesline! Gallows gets a nearfall, as out comes Rey Mysterio from the crowd to attack Punk! This distracts Gallows - and when he turns around, 'P hits that finisher that, now that I think about it, is the exact same thing as Shelton Benjamin's Paydirt. Striker calls it as the "Play of the Day", which is a name shamelessly stolen from Elix Skipper.  BLACK ON BLACK ON BLACK THEFT, FTW. This moves gets three, by the way.
 
Winner: MVP
 
Rating: **
 
Eh, kinda there. COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - D
 

WHEN WE COME BACK~!, we see Punk in the ring with a microphone. He says that Rey Mysterio is a coward who attacks people from behind because he doesn't have the ability to face him face-to-face-to-face. He says he wants Rey to come out here because he has something to say to him. MOST. EPIC. CALL OUT. EVER. Out comes Rey-Rey with a mic of his own, wearing a really redneck looking sleeveless shirt. Brown trash? Most likely. He says Punk seems upset. Is it because he jumped him from behind, like the mystery man that's been attacking him? He asks where he is, but Punk again calls him a coward, saying he has no idea what he's talking about - before accusing him of seeing things, and taking hallucinagens, or however the hell you spell that. Punk says that the real reason he came out here is because he wants to be saved. Mysterio says the only one hallucinating is Punk. He goes on to say that he came out here to RAPE HIS DIGNITY! MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! HE JUST WON'T STOP! HE JUST! WON'T! STOP! Punk says that he beat Rey at Extreme Rules. Rey says that he beat Punk at WrestleMania. You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! Mysterio says we're even, 1-1, but IT AIN'T OVER YET! He challenges him to another match at Over The Limit - he loses, he becomes a part of the SES. If Punk loses, he shaves his head. STIP FUSING, FTW. Seriously, what is the theme for this PPV? I can't figure it out..
 
Punk says that he's having a moment of clarity, and knows tha the needs to be saved. Rey says why fight at OTL - when he can instead pledge to the SES tonight, if Punk shaves his head right now. Punk says it is not going to happen. Rey says there's one thing he doesn't get about the Straightedge Society. Rey says he likes the message, and agrees - but the messenger is a dickhead. I may have paraphrased. Rey says that if he's serious about saving and helping the people, that they could do well together - so lead by example and shave your fucking head, dipshit! I may have paraphrased. Punk responds by putting over his saintly hair as a symbol of purity, and that he's better than everybody. Rey says he saved Serena and Luke, and asks what makes him differant. Rey says that Luke and Serena have done all of the work, so why are they bald and not Punk? DISSENTION, FTW?! Rey accuses Punk of not caring about them - only caring for himself. And yo' white ass calls yo self a savior?! Rey says there's nothing Punk can do to save himself from the COMMERCIALS! Actually, he said 619. BUT STILL!
 

Commercial thoughts - I have none for here, so instead have this paradox!
The sentance below is false.
The sentance above is true.
 

WHEN WE COME BACK~!, we see a replay of the last Superstars, where LayCool held down Kelly Kelly and Vickie sprayed her with..something. Out come LayCool with their No Mercy Tag Entrance.
 

Kelly Kelly and GBFGM (Generic Blonde Former General Manager - YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON, NEIL!) Tiffany vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
 
Michelle starts out with GBFGM Tiffany, who puts her into a corner, only to get shoved away. Michelle rushes GBFGM Tiffany, only to get caught with a Drop Toe Hold. GBFGM Tiffany with an Inverted Atomic Drop. GBFGM Tiffany with an elbow, whip to the corner, goes for a Monkey Flip - but Michelle lands on her feet. Michelle turns - into another Monkey Flip, this time working. Michelle escapes to the outside, GBFGM Tiffany follows only to be distracted by Vickie and Layla. Michelle gets back into the ring, and nails a Baseball Slide, before pulling her back into the ring. Michelle with a series of knee drops, gets two off of them. Michelle tags in Layla, who shoves GBFGM Tiffany to the ground. I think it may actually be in Striker's contract to put on a thick British accent every time he introduces her. As is the case with Layla in every match she ever has, her useless ass (arse?) hits one move before being countered. Seriously, if Layla was in TNA a few weeks ago, I bet that whore slut bitch Andariel Halo would refer to her as Faila, because that's how clever she is. WHORE. This time, GBFGM Tiffany gets the knees up on a splash before tagging in Kelly x2. Kelly comes in like a HOUSE OF FIRE! Well, it's more like a Teepee of fire, but y'know. Series of dropkicks to Layla, followed up with Chyna's Handspring Elbow into the corner - Layla counters with a shot, goes for a clothesline, but Kelly ducks and nails a Neckbreaker. Tag to GBFGM Tiffany who hits a Crossbody on Tiffany, pinfall broken up by Michelle. Kelly tries to get involved, Michelle kicks her to the outside, and Layla with a Neckbreaker on GBFGM Tiffany, for the win.
 
Winners: LayCool
 
Ratings: *2/3
 
Eh.
 

Cut TO THE BACK~! with T-Lo, holding the now vacant IC Belt. He says that he has selected four deserving individuals to hold a mini tournament. Actually, he just said tournament, but I REFUSE to call such a meek little tourny as such! Shit's weak! The matches seem damned nice though. The first two are tonight, and will see Xian take on Cody (it pays to be) Rhodes, as well as Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. The latter of which is NEXT~!
 

COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - Did I mention Halo is a whore?
 

As Kingston makes his entrance, Matt Striker channels his inner Mark Madden, and mentions them not being in Rio De Jenario, because, y'know, IC Title Tourny, and all that.
 

IC Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Kofi "Not Sean" Kingston vs. Dolph "Not Lundren" Ziggler
 
I still love the fact that Ziggler claims to have actually KILLED Hornswoggle. He deserved it, the little bastard. Lock-up, Ziggler with a headlock, Kofi elbows out, whip to the ropes, Ziggler counters with a Shoulderblock. Ziggler hits the ropes, Kofi with two leapfrogs, before nailing a Spinning Elbow, for two! Ziggler with a knee, throws Kofi to the ropes - Kofi bounces back off his head with that retarded rebound thing he hasn't done in months. Kofi with a BIGASS dropkick that would make Holly proud, before clotheslining Ziggler to the outside! Kofi with a Plancha! Koff takes him back inside only to be caught with a boot to the head that takes him to the outside. Naturally, this causes Matt Striker to quote Van Halen's Running With The Devil. I don't know, Halo's a whore. COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - Dammit, I'm out! God, I sure could use a distraction right about now..um...um....ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!
 
Only Conway Twitty could write a song about fucking a virgin and make it sound classy.
 

When we come back, Kofi is magically back in the ring, in a headlock from Ziggler. Kingston fights to his feet, Hip Tosses out of it, goes for the Avalanche in the corner, but Ziggler dodges, nails that swish Inverted Powerslam (not that Reverse Powerslam that Michael Tarver does, mind you, shit's weak) for two! Ziggler chokes Kofi onto the second rope. We see Cody Rhodes watching on, with those little bungee cord things you work on with on his shoulder. I'm guessing because it's against the rules to watch matches backstage unless you have SOMETHING on your shoulder, and since he doesn't currently hold any titles, he just grabbed the first thing he could get his hands on. Kingston fights back with elbows, only to get taken down with a Dropkick. (Not a Dorpkick, like that retarded whore slut bitch Halo would lead you to beleive) This gets another nearfall. Ziggler puts Kingston into a Camel Clutch. MAKE. HIM. HUMBLE. Kingston, obviously not humbled, fights to his feet, but Ziggler throws him back to the mat. Ziggler flicks his hairgrease onto Kofi, because yeah that's not gross or anything, before hitting an elbow drop for two. Meanwhile, Striker mentions Prince Nana waiting for Kingston in Ghana, West Africa. He's..he's asking for it. Kofi fights back off the mat, but Ziggler catches him with a kick to the ankle! KICK TO THE ANKLE, BAH GAWD! Ziggler with another chinlock. Kofi ONCE AGAIN fights to his feet, and NAILS the SOS! That may have been the best I've seen it hit! Now, admittedly, it's also the first time I've seen it not be botched horribly, but all the same! This gets two!
 
Kingston charges Ziggler in the corner, only to take a Big Boot! Ziggler goes for the Jack Knife Cover, putting his legs up on the top rope, but Kingston still kicks out. Ziggler follows up with a (ay yo you dealin with da) X-Factor on Kingston! This gets yet another nearfall. And transitions into yet another Chinlock. Dear God! Kingston fights out with a Jawbreaker, Ziggler goes for an Avalanche - Kingston dodges! Kingston with a few Double Arm Knife Edge chops, building momentum! Boom Drop, in all it's stupidly named glory! Kofi goes for the Trouble In Paradise, Ziggler escapes to the corner, Kofi goes for the high 10 punches, Ziggler dodges, Kofi tries to bounce off for the Crossbody, but Ziggler rolls through for a nearfall! Sweet cream...on an ice cream sandwich, this is quick! But it slows down in a heartbeat, as Ziggler puts Kingston into the sleeper! Kingston stays in it for about 20 seconds, breaks it on the ropes, hotshotting Ziggler - and off the rebound, Kingston nails the Trouble In Paradise, for the win!
 
Winner: Kofi Kingston
 
Rating: ***
 

This match, I gotta say...feels good, man.
 
Recap of Swagger's self-oral last week. Hey, you know how he said he won the NFL Punt/Pass/Kick competition? Yeah, I checked, and the person that won it that year was some dude named Jake Hager! What a fucking liar!
 

IC Title Semi-Finals: Christian "Not Cage" (w/Heath Slater "Not Vain") vs. Cody "Not Robert" Rhodes "Not Rhoode"
 
Xian starts the match off with the little clapping that he does. Lock-up, Rhodes with the Go Behind, into a Chinlock. Xian breaks it off the ropes, Cody counters with a Shoulderblock. Test of strength, but Cody unloads with shots instead because lolheels. Cody hits the ropes, Xian with a leapfrog, nails him with a Forearm for two. Xian sets Cody up on the second rope, before doing that move where he grinds his stomach into the ropes. Xian tries for his usual follow up of jumping to the outside and going for the uppercut, but Cody escapes. Xian gets back into the ring, tosses Cody to the outside, and nails a Baseball Slide that takes Cody into the barricade! Xian starts with a Springboard, but Cody gets out of the way. Xian follows Cody to the outside, Cody catches him with a shot, before shoving him into the steps! Rhodes takes Xian into the ring, while the commentators argue over who's waist the belt would look better around. MANLY CONVERSATIONS FOR THE WIN! Rhodes whips Xian to the corner, pounds on him into it. Xian with an elbow, catches him with a Sunset Flip off the second rope for two. Cody reverses a whip to the corner, then dropkicks Xian into the bottom rope! COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts -
 

When we come back, Xian blocks a suplex, only to get taken down with a Facefirst version. Rhodes with a Kneedrop, for a nearfall. ARM STRETCH! ARM STRETCH! ARM STRECH, BAH GAWD! Xian gets to his feet, somehow, but Rhodes knocks him back down. As Xian catches Cody with an elbow out of the corner, we see Kingston looking on with what appears to be a scarf draped around his shoulders. Yep. They just pick up whatever's close. Xian goes up top, but Rhodes catches him and goes for it..holy fucking ass crackers, he actually hits the Superplex! I...I have no words..Rhodes gets to his feet, approaches Xian - Xian catches him with an Inside Cradle! Nearfall, Rhodes stomps on Xian, but Xian fights back with an uppercut, before Cactus Clotheslining him to the outside! They both stand - and Rhodes nails a flying kick off the steps! Rhodes throws Xian back into the ring for a nearfall. Rhodes to the second rope, goes for the Double Axe Handle - Xian with a shot to the stomach that somehow causes Rhodes to do a full flip off the mat, which reminds me of how in Lucha Libre you can just tap someone on the shoulder, and they will sell it by Suicide Diving to the floor. Xian hits the ropes for a forearm, dodges a rush in the corner, nails the Shuriken! Xian goes up top for a Missle Dropkick, gaining a nearfall! Meanwhile, Slater makes the generic title gesture. I don't know what it is about Heath, but he looks..weird to me. Like, SmackDown!: Just Bring It CAW weird. Xian Drop Toe Holds Cody into the second rope, for more chest-pushing, this time nailing the uppercut from the floor. Xian goes up top, tries for the Crossbody - Cody ducks, leaving Xian to crash to the mat. Rhodes with the Oklahoma Roll, for two. Rhodes pulls Xian up, Xian goes for the needlessly renamed Killswitch, Rhodes slips behind Xian, goes for the Back Suplex, Christian slips to the back and nails the Inverted DDT, for two! Rhodes pulls Xian into the corner, Xian tries to go to the second rope, but Rhodes yanks him to the mat. Rhodes goes up top, for the Moonsault Press - for two! Rhodes apparantly has a finisher stored, as he starts mocking Xian's clapping. Rhodes tries to throw Xian into the steel pole, but Xian reverses - and nails the Killswitch off the rebound, for the victoly!
 
Winner: Christian
 
Ratings: ***1/2
 

This match, I gotta say..feels better, man.
 
So Kingston/Xian next week for the IC Title..sounds win-win to me. Replay vid plays of The Hart Dynasty winning the tag titles, and of Big Show punching the fuck out of Miz. That bruise almost made him look like Rocky Dennis, I swear. The vid continues to show the rest of Show's random punch-outs. Seriously, anger management, dude. Wonder who he'll knock the fuck out tonight? Backstage, Jack Swagger...WALKS! Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me! COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - http://s8.zetaboards.com/ewcfhome/index/
REGISTER OR HALO GETS IT! Well, she will anyway, BUT STILL!
 

When we return, the commentators put on their Owen voices as we see a replay of McIntyre attacking Hardy and getting ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-ired earlier tonight. Now out comes Jack Swagger to give us more Norris facts before his match. Meanwhile, Striker swiftly recaps every accomplishment he speaked of last week. He says before he gives us exactly what we want to hear, (a dead Lois?) he's going to remind each and every one of us just in the who the hell he is. Swagger says he is the first high school athlete ever to be nominated for an ESPY. What. He says that in 2002, he was in contention for the Heisman trophy. He says that there is so much more than meets the eye with him. TRANS~! Aaaand, COMMERCIALS!
 

Commercial thoughts - Keep fucking that chicken. You know Halo will. That whore.
 

When we come back, did you know Swagger was the president of his school, and considered for the National Honor society? Did you know that a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes? He asks the crowd that when he was taking on the world and winning, where was Big Show? He accuses Big Show of being a retard. No, seriously. He says that at Over The Limit, he'll be taking him to school. Like, literally right when he delivers this, THE FLAMES BURST and out comes Kane.
 

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Kane (Non-Title)
 
Swagger with a waistlock to start, Kane elbows out. Swagger trips Swagger up, but Kane reverses with a waistlock of his own. Again, his amatuer days at Hell U coming into play. It's at this point, that Big Show's theme plays, and out he comes in a suit. Show makes his way to the commentary table, and Striker gives up his chair like a pussy. Meanwhile, Swagger attacks the distracted Kane into the corner. BOOM, uppercut from Kane, takes him to the opposite corner. Kane with a snapmare, into a Basement Dropkick for two! Kane whips Swagger to the corner, Swagger with an elbow out of the corner, follows up with a Chop Block, puts him into a very agressive Front Facelock. Kane lifts Swagger onto the top rope. Kane tries to follow up the ropes, but Swagger knocks him back down. Swagger goes WAAAAY high into the air for a Double Axe Handle, but Kane takes him out of the air. Kane with a series of clotheslines, including on into the corner, that leads to a Sidewalk Slam for two. Kane goes up to the top rope, for a huge Flying Clothesline, before going for the Chokeslam! Swagger elbows out and throws Kane into the turnbuckle which has somehow become exposed! Swagger rams Kane into the corner over and over, eventually getting disqaulified.
 
Winner: Kane
 
Rating: **
 
Tcccchhh...
 

Swagger continues the attack with a Big Boot, which according to Big Show is due to his "meanness". Gee, dude, tough words. Think that'll pass the censors? Swagger goes to the outside and holds his title up to Show, then turns around - right into a Big Boot from Kane! Kane strips the announce table, but Swagger strikes back and throws Kane to the corner post! Swagger gets out Kane's oven, and goes into the frying pan - Show's hand, ftr - Show chokeslams Swagger through the table!! YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, G! And that'll do it for tonight. See you next week, all my thousands of fans!
 
HALO IS A WHORE.
 

The Good: I'll give this to the IC Tournament as a whole. Very good matches from it tonight, and the McIntyre/Hardy situation was given a lot of focus throughout, which is really nice to see.
 
The Bad: DQ ending to the Main Event..always rubs me the wrong way.
 
The Ugly: I want to say Andariel Halo here for the lulziness of the choice of words for this award, but well..I've seen her pics and..yeah. I may be a liar, sir, but there is one thing that I am not, sir, and that, sir, is a liar. So instead, I'll get off of her, (can't say the same for the rest of the thousands on top of her, but that's neither here nor there) and give this to the usual choice of Vickie still being involved in any way, shape or form.
 
Jordan Huie is an incredibly sweet and innocent 16 year old, that's American by birth, and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF GAWD! Some people call him Zeel1. Some people call him TheYTViewer. Some people call him Y2Z. Some people call him Z-Truth. Some people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His typical attire is a combo of T-Shirts with Affliction-esque designs, leather jackets, sunglasses, and Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys wearing, even with the knowledge that it makes him look like Jimmy Hart's rebellious grandson. His first contact with any other living being was of a horse with a busted leg, who's owner shot himself, because he couldn't bare the weight of shooting said horse. Jordan, naturally, named the horse "Lucky", and Lucky walked through many mountains and valleys, despite his searing pains, to bring Jordan to his parents. His parents, in return, immediately shot Lucky, to show their appreciation. It is believed that this experience is what makes him the teenager he is today.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).