We're back, with Josh
Matthews coming up to Teddy backstage. He asks the
status of Matt Hardy, and Long says that he hopes
so. Josh asks if he has anything to say of the
behavior of McIntyre. Teddy says he doesn't know
what to say, and that he's never experianced this
kind of thing in his life. BULL. CRAP. Matthews asks
what will become of the Intercontinental Title, and
Teddy says he doesn't know. Wow, way to not have any
of the answers, Teddy. Fucking flake.
Out comes MVP to the ring for a
match with the still-Elephantitus-riddled Luke
Luke Gallows (w/Serena and CM Punk) vs. MVP (w/o a
fucking friend in the world, hahahaha)
They start off with punches
back and forth, MVP goes for an Irish Whip to the
corner, Gallows reverses, MVP with a floatover on
Gallows, hits the ropes for a clothesline, for two.
P with a number of boxing-like punches, whips
Gallows to the corner, goes for the Playa's Boot,
but Gallows dodges it and throws him to the floor!
Gallows pulls MVP into the ring, gets a few knees in
before nailing a Butterfly Suplex. How delightfully
unfitting! This gets two. Gallows with a waistlock,
'P gets to his feet, fights back, but Gallows
catches him with a kick. Gallows with an Avalanche
into the corner, followed up by a big Splash,
getting two. Mixing Regal's moveset with King Kong
Bundy's? Interesting choice. Gallows goes for
another Avalanche into the corner, but MVP dodges
and nails a series of clotheslines, before hitting
the Knee Facebuster! And now the False Advertising
Elbowdrop on Gallows! 'P goes for the Playmaker,
Serena distracts him - Gallows counters with a
Short-arm clothesline! Gallows gets a nearfall, as
out comes Rey Mysterio from the crowd to attack
Punk! This distracts Gallows - and when he turns
around, 'P hits that finisher that, now that I think
about it, is the exact same thing as Shelton
Benjamin's Paydirt. Striker calls it as the "Play of
the Day", which is a name shamelessly stolen from
Elix Skipper. BLACK ON BLACK ON BLACK THEFT,
FTW. This moves gets three, by the way.
Eh, kinda there. COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts - D
WHEN WE COME BACK~!, we see
Punk in the ring with a microphone. He says that Rey
Mysterio is a coward who attacks people from behind
because he doesn't have the ability to face him
face-to-face-to-face. He says he wants Rey to come
out here because he has something to say to him.
MOST. EPIC. CALL OUT. EVER. Out comes Rey-Rey with a
mic of his own, wearing a really redneck looking
sleeveless shirt. Brown trash? Most likely. He says
Punk seems upset. Is it because he jumped him from
behind, like the mystery man that's been attacking
him? He asks where he is, but Punk again calls him a
coward, saying he has no idea what he's talking
about - before accusing him of seeing things, and
taking hallucinagens, or however the hell you spell
that. Punk says that the real reason he came out
here is because he wants to be saved. Mysterio says
the only one hallucinating is Punk. He goes on to
say that he came out here to RAPE HIS DIGNITY! MY
GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! HE JUST WON'T
STOP! HE JUST! WON'T! STOP! Punk says that he beat
Rey at Extreme Rules. Rey says that he beat Punk at
WrestleMania. You got your chocolate in my peanut
butter! Mysterio says we're even, 1-1, but IT AIN'T
OVER YET! He challenges him to another match at Over
The Limit - he loses, he becomes a part of the SES.
If Punk loses, he shaves his head. STIP FUSING, FTW.
Seriously, what is the theme for this PPV? I can't
figure it out..
Punk says that he's having a
moment of clarity, and knows tha the needs to be
saved. Rey says why fight at OTL - when he can
instead pledge to the SES tonight, if Punk shaves
his head right now. Punk says it is not going to
happen. Rey says there's one thing he doesn't get
about the Straightedge Society. Rey says he likes
the message, and agrees - but the messenger is a
dickhead. I may have paraphrased. Rey says that if
he's serious about saving and helping the people,
that they could do well together - so lead by
example and shave your fucking head, dipshit! I may
have paraphrased. Punk responds by putting over his
saintly hair as a symbol of purity, and that he's
better than everybody. Rey says he saved Serena and
Luke, and asks what makes him differant. Rey says
that Luke and Serena have done all of the work, so
why are they bald and not Punk? DISSENTION, FTW?!
Rey accuses Punk of not caring about them - only
caring for himself. And yo' white ass calls yo self
a savior?! Rey says there's nothing Punk can do to
save himself from the COMMERCIALS! Actually, he said
619. BUT STILL!
Commercial thoughts - I
have none for here, so instead have this paradox!
The sentance below is false.
The sentance above
WHEN WE COME BACK~!, we see
a replay of the last Superstars, where LayCool held
down Kelly Kelly and Vickie sprayed her
with..something. Out come LayCool with their No
Mercy Tag Entrance.
Kelly Kelly and GBFGM (Generic Blonde Former General
Manager - YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON, NEIL!) Tiffany vs.
Michelle McCool and Layla
Michelle starts out with GBFGM
Tiffany, who puts her into a corner, only to get
shoved away. Michelle rushes GBFGM Tiffany, only to
get caught with a Drop Toe Hold. GBFGM Tiffany with
an Inverted Atomic Drop. GBFGM Tiffany with an
elbow, whip to the corner, goes for a Monkey Flip -
but Michelle lands on her feet. Michelle turns -
into another Monkey Flip, this time working.
Michelle escapes to the outside, GBFGM Tiffany
follows only to be distracted by Vickie and Layla.
Michelle gets back into the ring, and nails a
Baseball Slide, before pulling her back into the
ring. Michelle with a series of knee drops, gets two
off of them. Michelle tags in Layla, who shoves
GBFGM Tiffany to the ground. I think it may actually
be in Striker's contract to put on a thick British
accent every time he introduces her. As is the case
with Layla in every match she ever has, her useless
ass (arse?) hits one move before being countered.
Seriously, if Layla was in TNA a few weeks ago, I
bet that whore slut bitch Andariel Halo would refer
to her as Faila, because that's how clever she is.
WHORE. This time, GBFGM Tiffany gets the knees up on
a splash before tagging in Kelly x2. Kelly comes in
like a HOUSE OF FIRE! Well, it's more like a Teepee
of fire, but y'know. Series of dropkicks to Layla,
followed up with Chyna's Handspring Elbow into the
corner - Layla counters with a shot, goes for a
clothesline, but Kelly ducks and nails a
Neckbreaker. Tag to GBFGM Tiffany who hits a
Crossbody on Tiffany, pinfall broken up by Michelle.
Kelly tries to get involved, Michelle kicks her to
the outside, and Layla with a Neckbreaker on GBFGM
Tiffany, for the win.
Cut TO THE BACK~! with
T-Lo, holding the now vacant IC Belt. He says that
he has selected four deserving individuals to hold a
mini tournament. Actually, he just said tournament,
but I REFUSE to call such a meek little tourny as
such! Shit's weak! The matches seem damned nice
though. The first two are tonight, and will see Xian
take on Cody (it pays to be) Rhodes, as well as
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. The latter of which
Commercial thoughts - Did I
mention Halo is a whore?
As Kingston makes his
entrance, Matt Striker channels his inner Mark
Madden, and mentions them not being in Rio De
Jenario, because, y'know, IC Title Tourny, and all
Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Kofi "Not Sean"
Kingston vs. Dolph "Not Lundren" Ziggler
I still love the fact that
Ziggler claims to have actually KILLED Hornswoggle.
He deserved it, the little bastard. Lock-up, Ziggler
with a headlock, Kofi elbows out, whip to the ropes,
Ziggler counters with a Shoulderblock. Ziggler hits
the ropes, Kofi with two leapfrogs, before nailing a
Spinning Elbow, for two! Ziggler with a knee, throws
Kofi to the ropes - Kofi bounces back off his head
with that retarded rebound thing he hasn't done in
months. Kofi with a BIGASS dropkick that would make
Holly proud, before clotheslining Ziggler to the
outside! Kofi with a Plancha! Koff takes him back
inside only to be caught with a boot to the head
that takes him to the outside. Naturally, this
causes Matt Striker to quote Van Halen's Running
With The Devil. I don't know, Halo's a whore.
Commercial thoughts -
Dammit, I'm out! God, I sure could use a distraction
right about now..um...um....ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty!
Only Conway Twitty could write
a song about fucking a virgin and make it sound
When we come back, Kofi is
magically back in the ring, in a headlock from
Ziggler. Kingston fights to his feet, Hip Tosses out
of it, goes for the Avalanche in the corner, but
Ziggler dodges, nails that swish Inverted Powerslam
(not that Reverse Powerslam that Michael Tarver
does, mind you, shit's weak) for two! Ziggler chokes
Kofi onto the second rope. We see Cody Rhodes
watching on, with those little bungee cord things
you work on with on his shoulder. I'm guessing
because it's against the rules to watch matches
backstage unless you have SOMETHING on your
shoulder, and since he doesn't currently hold any
titles, he just grabbed the first thing he could get
his hands on. Kingston fights back with elbows, only
to get taken down with a Dropkick. (Not a Dorpkick,
like that retarded whore slut bitch Halo would lead
you to beleive) This gets another nearfall. Ziggler
puts Kingston into a Camel Clutch. MAKE. HIM.
HUMBLE. Kingston, obviously not humbled, fights to
his feet, but Ziggler throws him back to the mat.
Ziggler flicks his hairgrease onto Kofi, because
yeah that's not gross or anything, before hitting an
elbow drop for two. Meanwhile, Striker mentions
Prince Nana waiting for Kingston in Ghana, West
Africa. He's..he's asking for it. Kofi fights back
off the mat, but Ziggler catches him with a kick to
the ankle! KICK TO THE ANKLE, BAH GAWD! Ziggler with
another chinlock. Kofi ONCE AGAIN fights to his
feet, and NAILS the SOS! That may have been the best
I've seen it hit! Now, admittedly, it's also the
first time I've seen it not be botched horribly, but
all the same! This gets two!
Kingston charges Ziggler in the
corner, only to take a Big Boot! Ziggler goes for
the Jack Knife Cover, putting his legs up on the top
rope, but Kingston still kicks out. Ziggler follows
up with a (ay yo you dealin with da) X-Factor on
Kingston! This gets yet another nearfall. And
transitions into yet another Chinlock. Dear God!
Kingston fights out with a Jawbreaker, Ziggler goes
for an Avalanche - Kingston dodges! Kingston with a
few Double Arm Knife Edge chops, building momentum!
Boom Drop, in all it's stupidly named glory! Kofi
goes for the Trouble In Paradise, Ziggler escapes to
the corner, Kofi goes for the high 10 punches,
Ziggler dodges, Kofi tries to bounce off for the
Crossbody, but Ziggler rolls through for a nearfall!
Sweet cream...on an ice cream sandwich, this is
quick! But it slows down in a heartbeat, as Ziggler
puts Kingston into the sleeper! Kingston stays in it
for about 20 seconds, breaks it on the ropes,
hotshotting Ziggler - and off the rebound, Kingston
nails the Trouble In Paradise, for the win!
Winner: Kofi Kingston
This match, I gotta
say...feels good, man.
Recap of Swagger's self-oral
last week. Hey, you know how he said he won the NFL
Punt/Pass/Kick competition? Yeah, I checked, and the
person that won it that year was some dude named
Jake Hager! What a fucking liar!
Title Semi-Finals: Christian "Not Cage" (w/Heath
Slater "Not Vain") vs. Cody "Not Robert" Rhodes "Not
Xian starts the match off with
the little clapping that he does. Lock-up, Rhodes
with the Go Behind, into a Chinlock. Xian breaks it
off the ropes, Cody counters with a Shoulderblock.
Test of strength, but Cody unloads with shots
instead because lolheels. Cody hits the ropes, Xian
with a leapfrog, nails him with a Forearm for two.
Xian sets Cody up on the second rope, before doing
that move where he grinds his stomach into the
ropes. Xian tries for his usual follow up of jumping
to the outside and going for the uppercut, but Cody
escapes. Xian gets back into the ring, tosses Cody
to the outside, and nails a Baseball Slide that
takes Cody into the barricade! Xian starts with a
Springboard, but Cody gets out of the way. Xian
follows Cody to the outside, Cody catches him with a
shot, before shoving him into the steps! Rhodes
takes Xian into the ring, while the commentators
argue over who's waist the belt would look better
around. MANLY CONVERSATIONS FOR THE WIN! Rhodes
whips Xian to the corner, pounds on him into it.
Xian with an elbow, catches him with a Sunset Flip
off the second rope for two. Cody reverses a whip to
the corner, then dropkicks Xian into the bottom
Commercial thoughts -
When we come back, Xian
blocks a suplex, only to get taken down with a
Facefirst version. Rhodes with a Kneedrop, for a
nearfall. ARM STRETCH! ARM STRETCH! ARM STRECH, BAH
GAWD! Xian gets to his feet, somehow, but Rhodes
knocks him back down. As Xian catches Cody with an
elbow out of the corner, we see Kingston looking on
with what appears to be a scarf draped around his
shoulders. Yep. They just pick up whatever's close.
Xian goes up top, but Rhodes catches him and goes
for it..holy fucking ass crackers, he actually hits
the Superplex! I...I have no words..Rhodes gets to
his feet, approaches Xian - Xian catches him with an
Inside Cradle! Nearfall, Rhodes stomps on Xian, but
Xian fights back with an uppercut, before Cactus
Clotheslining him to the outside! They both stand -
and Rhodes nails a flying kick off the steps! Rhodes
throws Xian back into the ring for a nearfall.
Rhodes to the second rope, goes for the Double Axe
Handle - Xian with a shot to the stomach that
somehow causes Rhodes to do a full flip off the mat,
which reminds me of how in Lucha Libre you can just
tap someone on the shoulder, and they will sell it
by Suicide Diving to the floor. Xian hits the ropes
for a forearm, dodges a rush in the corner, nails
the Shuriken! Xian goes up top for a Missle
Dropkick, gaining a nearfall! Meanwhile, Slater
makes the generic title gesture. I don't know what
it is about Heath, but he looks..weird to me. Like,
SmackDown!: Just Bring It CAW weird. Xian Drop Toe
Holds Cody into the second rope, for more
chest-pushing, this time nailing the uppercut from
the floor. Xian goes up top, tries for the Crossbody
- Cody ducks, leaving Xian to crash to the mat.
Rhodes with the Oklahoma Roll, for two. Rhodes pulls
Xian up, Xian goes for the needlessly renamed
Killswitch, Rhodes slips behind Xian, goes for the
Back Suplex, Christian slips to the back and nails
the Inverted DDT, for two! Rhodes pulls Xian into
the corner, Xian tries to go to the second rope, but
Rhodes yanks him to the mat. Rhodes goes up top, for
the Moonsault Press - for two! Rhodes apparantly has
a finisher stored, as he starts mocking Xian's
clapping. Rhodes tries to throw Xian into the steel
pole, but Xian reverses - and nails the Killswitch
off the rebound, for the victoly!
This match, I gotta
say..feels better, man.
So Kingston/Xian next week for
the IC Title..sounds win-win to me. Replay vid plays
of The Hart Dynasty winning the tag titles, and of
Big Show punching the fuck out of Miz. That bruise
almost made him look like Rocky Dennis, I swear. The
vid continues to show the rest of Show's random
punch-outs. Seriously, anger management, dude.
Wonder who he'll knock the fuck out tonight?
Backstage, Jack Swagger...WALKS! Be yourself, by
yourself, stay away from me! COMMERCIALS!
When we return, the
commentators put on their Owen voices as we see a
replay of McIntyre attacking Hardy and getting
earlier tonight. Now out comes Jack Swagger to give
us more Norris facts before his match. Meanwhile,
Striker swiftly recaps every accomplishment he
speaked of last week. He says before he gives us
exactly what we want to hear, (a dead Lois?) he's
going to remind each and every one of us just in the
who the hell he is. Swagger says he is the first
high school athlete ever to be nominated for an
ESPY. What. He says that in 2002, he was in
contention for the Heisman trophy. He says that
there is so much more than meets the eye with him.
TRANS~! Aaaand, COMMERCIALS!
Commercial thoughts - Keep
fucking that chicken. You know Halo will. That
When we come back, did you
know Swagger was the president of his school, and
considered for the National Honor society? Did you
know that a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes? He asks
the crowd that when he was taking on the world and
winning, where was Big Show? He accuses Big Show of
being a retard. No, seriously. He says that at Over
The Limit, he'll be taking him to school. Like,
literally right when he delivers this, THE FLAMES
BURST and out comes Kane.
World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Kane
Swagger with a waistlock to
start, Kane elbows out. Swagger trips Swagger up,
but Kane reverses with a waistlock of his own.
Again, his amatuer days at Hell U coming into play.
It's at this point, that Big Show's theme plays, and
out he comes in a suit. Show makes his way to the
commentary table, and Striker gives up his chair
like a pussy. Meanwhile, Swagger attacks the
distracted Kane into the corner. BOOM, uppercut from
Kane, takes him to the opposite corner. Kane with a
snapmare, into a Basement Dropkick for two! Kane
whips Swagger to the corner, Swagger with an elbow
out of the corner, follows up with a Chop Block,
puts him into a very agressive Front Facelock. Kane
lifts Swagger onto the top rope. Kane tries to
follow up the ropes, but Swagger knocks him back
down. Swagger goes WAAAAY high into the air for a
Double Axe Handle, but Kane takes him out of the
air. Kane with a series of clotheslines, including
on into the corner, that leads to a Sidewalk Slam
for two. Kane goes up to the top rope, for a huge
Flying Clothesline, before going for the Chokeslam!
Swagger elbows out and throws Kane into the
turnbuckle which has somehow become exposed! Swagger
rams Kane into the corner over and over, eventually
Swagger continues the
attack with a Big Boot, which according to Big Show
is due to his "meanness". Gee, dude, tough words.
Think that'll pass the censors? Swagger goes to the
outside and holds his title up to Show, then turns
around - right into a Big Boot from Kane! Kane
strips the announce table, but Swagger strikes back
and throws Kane to the corner post! Swagger gets out
Kane's oven, and goes into the frying pan - Show's
hand, ftr - Show chokeslams Swagger through the
table!! YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, G! And
that'll do it for tonight. See you next week, all my
thousands of fans!
HALO IS A WHORE.
The Good: I'll give this to the IC
Tournament as a whole. Very good matches from it
tonight, and the McIntyre/Hardy situation was given
a lot of focus throughout, which is really nice to
The Bad: DQ ending to the Main Event..always
rubs me the wrong way.
The Ugly: I want to say Andariel Halo here
for the lulziness of the choice of words for this
award, but well..I've seen her pics and..yeah. I may
be a liar, sir, but there is one thing that I am
not, sir, and that, sir, is a liar. So instead, I'll
get off of her, (can't say the same for the rest of
the thousands on top of her, but that's neither here
nor there) and give this to the usual choice of
Vickie still being involved in any way, shape or
Jordan Huie is an incredibly sweet
and innocent 16 year old, that's American by birth,
and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF GAWD! Some people call
him Zeel1. Some people call him TheYTViewer. Some
people call him Y2Z. Some people call him Z-Truth.
Some people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His
typical attire is a combo of T-Shirts with
Affliction-esque designs, leather jackets,
sunglasses, and Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys
wearing, even with the knowledge that it makes him
look like Jimmy Hart's rebellious grandson. His
first contact with any other living being was of a
horse with a busted leg, who's owner shot himself,
because he couldn't bare the weight of shooting said
horse. Jordan, naturally, named the horse "Lucky",
and Lucky walked through many mountains and valleys,
despite his searing pains, to bring Jordan to his
parents. His parents, in return, immediately shot
Lucky, to show their appreciation. It is believed
that this experience is what makes him the teenager
he is today.