WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
May 6, 2011
Hello. "Great" Scott is here. He's already read about the crap that is going to happen on this show, but he's going to do his best Mr. Rogers impression and PRETEND that he doesn't know. I'm not going to "ruin" it for you, so all I'll say is that the powers that be at Titan Towers are shit heads.
On to the show…
They start things off by triumphantly announcing how Christian won the belt at Extreme Rules. The event was pretty good. I attended live (since I live about 45 minutes from Tampa) and was pleasantly surprised by the show. The results were all pretty terrible, but at least most of the matches were entertaining. You can read my live recap elsewhere on this site.
Anyway, the show officially begins with Christian coming down to the ring. Gosh, he sure looks happy with that belt. Nothing could go wrong tonight! He's on top of the world! I'll tell you, the pop Christian got when he beat Alberto Del Rio was UNREAL. It actually made my chest hurt, it was so loud. So, the fans like Christian…he'll definitely have a LONG and PROSPEROUS reign as champion.
Christian cuts a semi-emotional "Guy Who's Finally Made It" promo until the only marketable (well, in the WWE's eyes at least, because they can't get enough of heel fat guys) heel on the roster, Mark Henry, waddles to the ring. Christian earns points in my book by telling Henry that the belt is made of gold, not chocolate. Henry is about to retort when things go from bad to worse. The Great Khali comes out just to show how insanely weak the heel pool is on SmackDown. I'm going to fast forward over this…
Oh, look! It's Randy Orton! Gosh, it would be awesome to see Christian defend his belt against Orton! It would certainly be an accomplishment for Christian to beat Orton! It would really be a boost to Christian's credibility! Christian's been with the company for a long time; I'm sure they wouldn't make him look like a complete tool bag by jobbing him out less than a week after winning the belt.
Orton slow talks for a little bit. I wonder if Randy knows that you don't have to stop for three minutes every time you hit a comma in a sentence.
Because this segment isn't shitty enough, Teddy Long comes "jiving" out to let the crowd in Orlando decide who should fight Christian. Since Floridians are known for being horrible voters, they pick Orton to face Christian. Awesome! Good luck, Christian! I'm sure you'll come out victorious!
After the commercials, The Great Khali runs into another guy who speaks some language I can't understand. Fun! Is his name Ginger?
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
Sheamus starts off with a quick takedown, kicks, and punches. He goes for an early pin and follows up with more punches when Bryan kicks out. Bryan tries to fight back, and eventually flips away from Sheamus and dropkicks Sheamus to the outside. Bryan follows up with a dive through the ropes. Sheamus gets a show or two in, and then tosses Bryan to the corner post. Sheamus lands the Irish Curse backbreaker, and we head to a commercial break.
After the commercials, we return to see Sheamus with an armbar applied. Bryan escapes, but runs right into a half-tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Sheamus wraps Bryan in the ropes and reels off a series of clubbing blows to his chest. He follows that with a running knee lift on the apron and a shoulder tackle. Sheamus props Bryan on the top rope and attempts a superplex, only to have Bryan headbutt him and nail him with a forward leaping dropkick. Bryan makes it to his feet and hits about a half dozen kicks on Sheamus. He tries for the LeBell Lock, only to have Sheamus escape and put him back down. Sheamus tries for Pale Justice, but Bryan escapes. Sheamus puts Bryan back down and tries for another shoulder tackle over the ropes..and he leaps right into the LeBell Lock. Sheamus rolls outside, so Bryan charges for another diving attack, only to have Sheamus boot him through the ropes. Wow…that was actually pretty impressive. Back in the ring, Sheamus lands another big boot to get the win.
That was a very good match. Sheamus seems to have his peaks and valleys. Just when I think he's going to improve as an in-ring performer, he starts to tank. This match at least has him moving in the right direction.
"A guy who never loses matches despite having a fraction of the talent that the guys I beat have…that's what I am!"
After some more commercials, Cody Rhodes meanders down to the ring in a suit with his "bag boys" in tow. I think the Fast Forward button was created for Cody Rhodes interviews! I don't know what he said, and I don't really care…so let's move on.
Before the next match, we get a slide show of the awesome Kane and Big Show vs. The Corre at Extreme Rules. The pictures were better than the match. I spent the entire time trying to figure out who the "jobberjacks" were.
Big Show vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Okay, Ezekiel Jackson has gotten the best of Big Show at pretty much every turn. According to WWE's logic, he's going to lose this match.
After The Corre comes down with their buddy, Kane makes an appearance. He brings a commercial break with him.
The show starts with a big tieup…and another! Fun! Big Show breaks out of a third tieup with a takedown and front facelock. Jackson back body drops out of it! Wow. Jackson kicks away at Big Show and then avalanches him in the corner. Jackson picks up Show and slams him…it was sorta' weak this time. He goes for a pin and gets two. Jackson follows up with a side headlock, only to have Big Show hoist him up and side slam him. Both men are down, but get up and exchange punches. Big Show ends up winning the exchange and hitting two clotheslines, a corner splash, and a shoulderblock. Show signals for the chokeslam, and the interference begins. The Corre takes over on Kane at ringside, and Big Show comes out to make the save. Show rolls back in the ring, only to have Ezekiel hit a running boot and a lariat on Big Show. These two moves actually get him the win. I've seen Big Show not go down to chair shots and a kick and clothesline are going to win it? WWE flips their own illogical script!
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
I guess this match was what I expected from these two, but the ending was sorta' stupid. Eh, it wasn't the worst match I've ever seen…which is about the best I can say.
After the proceedings, The Corre argues a bit.
After the commercials, we get a montage of RAW footage. It was Rock footage. This is sure a big verbal BJ for The Rock so he can fight one damn match. The only real highlight was The Rock flattening Michael Cole…but even that wasn't all that great because it didn't put him out of action for any length of time.
At Extreme Rules, Layla got rid of one of the 843 things that were wrong with the WWE. Only 842 things to go.
Layla vs. Alicia Fox
Someone in the crowd has a sign that says, "I like cheese," in Spanish.
Anyhow, Alicia is dressed like an Indian and manages a few kicks before Layla hits the Rude Awakening and wins. Wow, that was a marathon!
Seriously, that only lasted about 25 seconds…what else can I say?
After the match, Kharma sloooooowly makes her way to the ring. Are none of these women smart enough to just run away? It's not like Awesome Kong is Usain Bolt or anything. Alicia Fox "intelligently" kicks Kharma from behind and then stares angrily at her. Alicia tries for a second kick, but Kharma catches it and flattens her with a clothesline. Kharma follows it with an impact buster and some crazy laughing.
Soooo…is Kharma a face or a heel? She only attacks heels, but until now she had only attacked people who hadn't done anything. I like how the WWE can't even book a 300-pound super-talented black woman properly. This chick, if just left alone, would be a gold mine.
After the match, we head to the back to see The Corre confront Ezekiel Jackson. Despite the fact that Ezekiel Jackson gets the first punch in, the remaining Corre members actually dish out what could be the most effective beatdown (effective in that it wasn't' four guys whiffing kicks and punches for three minutes) I've seen a faction dish out in a long time. The highlight was seeing Heath Slater throw a blue plastic suitcase at a fallen Jackson.
Sin Cara vs. Tyson Kidd
Hey, an Extreme Rules dark match rematch! With Chavo at the announce table, no less!
Wow, Tyson's "hair" looks even worse than it normally does…if that's even possible.
Tyson starts with a hammerlock, but Sin Cara takes over with some crazy flippery. Things spill to the floor, where Kidd dodges a baseball slide and takes over. Kidd rolls Sin Cara back into the ring and kicks him in the back. Kidd tries for an inside out leg drop and Sin Cara moves. Sin Cara hauls off with a series of kicks, a Frankensteiner, and a flying cross body. Kidd manages a mule kick and heads to the top rope. Sin Cara meets him with a flip kick to the head. He finishes things off with the move that's called Paul Burchill's Finisher on Steroids.
Winner: Sin Cara
While short, Sin Cara didn't manage to botch anything too badly. Good stuff.
After the match, Chavo congratulates Sin Cara. A Sin Cara vs. Chavo feud?!? Be still my beating heart!
HHH at an anti-bullying campaign? That ranks right up there with Kevin James at a healthy eating convention.
After another commercial break…it's time for…
Randy Orton vs. Christian
Randy Orton wins…I'm not recapping this shit.
Winner: Randy Orton
Rating: I'm not even giving this a score.
FUCK THE WWE! What a sack of horse shit.
Let's see…let's build up Christian as a sentimental champion that finally got a belt after a long career, and then we'll pull the rug out from under him after TWO FUCKING DAYS! Nice writing WWE! I'm assuming that this will mean an "out of nowhere" heel turn for Christian, since the WWE has realized that Mark Henry and Sheamus aren't exactly enough to carry the heel side of things. I honestly cannot stand the WWE anymore. Bad enough that they jobbed out CM Punk to Orton about eight times, jobbed Alberto Del Rio about six times to put the belt on Christian, but now they're jobbing Christian, too?!? All to put a belt on a guy with a tiny fraction of the in-ring talent or personality of the three guys they've been jobbing for months. Just awesome.
Let's finish this thing.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Two pretty decent matches and not a single Michael Cole skit.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Guess.
That's all for this week. Have a great weekend. Oh yeah, and don't forget that Sunday is Mother's Day!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).